Question to the psychologist:

Good afternoon About six months ago, I started an affair with a married man. To my worries about this, he replied that, in fact, he and his wife live together only for the sake of small children (there are three of them, the oldest is 6 years old), he soon divorced and we began to live together. At first, the ex-wife “physically could not see him,” so she even refused to communicate with the children. But then it got better, more or less. He began to spend with the children first one day off, then both, sometimes, if possible, on weekdays after work, he also went to them, but in the evening he always returned to me. And during the day, we were also in touch all the time, as they say. Some time ago, he felt a sense of guilt in front of the children, and the thought “I must be there” began to flicker more and more often, especially since the children are small a) he does not see how they grow up and do something important for the first time (for example, the younger one began to walk without him) b) it is physically difficult for his wife alone with three children, especially in winter, when they need to be dressed in a thousand clothes, the stroller is heavy, there is no elevator in the house, there are a lot of them - you can’t keep track of everyone, after all, life is still ... So he decided to come back and help with the kids. I understand that it sounds naive, but there is (so far) no reason to think that he returned not only to his children, but also to his wife. He suggests how to meet in the evenings after work at the beginning of a relationship, but I can’t do that - I feel like a lover in the bad sense of the word. And I can’t live without him either, I tried to stop communicating and start moving on. He says that it is temporary, although, of course, it is not clear how much. And in any case, everything happened to him, family, children, but I don’t. I am afraid that I will wait for him and lose my life (and that he will return fully to the family). And I’m afraid, on the contrary, to lose what we managed to build, Penn has never had such a harmonious and comfortable relationship for me before. According to him, so does he. Now we're both crying and don't know what to do. I see the exit, everywhere a dead end.

The psychologist Pak Julia Leonidovna answers the question.

Good afternoon, Marusya.

Let's start from the end. There is always a way out, and if you look closely, there are even a few of them. The first thing I want to draw your attention to is your emotions and feelings. Are you feeling guilty? Are you afraid to be alone? Are you scared that your man won't come back? ... Where there is fear there can be no love. Now I mean self love. What is self-love and why did I start telling you about it now when you have a real problem (you think). Because the reason for this situation is in relation to oneself and understanding the purpose of a woman. What do you think is the main purpose of a woman? BE HAPPY!!! (If your upbringing is a lot of masculine, you will protest, this is not bad).

Since childhood, we have been told that we should obey our parents, study well, should ... should ... but this does not bring happiness, only fatigue, disappointment and resentment. If girls were told from childhood that she really should just be happy ... This is the only task of women, to be filled with happiness and love. Such women do not harbor grievances, such women marry a WORTHY. Such a woman does not yell at her husband and children. Such a woman does not come up with problems out of the blue, does not get tired, and if she gets tired, she knows how to relax and gain strength. It is important to be happy no matter the circumstances. Whether married, single, with or without children, with an apartment, a fur coat, a car, or without all this.

Marusya, the choice of a husband is the most important choice in a woman's life. And not because she chooses a father for her children, but because she chooses the one for whom she will want to go through life. A woman inspires a man and shows the way to go, and a man gives the result in the form of actions and decisions. A woman admires her man, extols him, gives him her feminine energy, and he, in response to her, is the result of his actions: flowers, gifts, romance. A woman gives a man pleasure by receiving gifts, flowers, romance. And the man gives her his last name, seed, shelter, family. Of course, you can start from the opposite, first sex, living together, and then everything else, but this usually leads to a psychologist's office, because the main values ​​\u200b\u200bof men have not learned ...

In the old days, a large family with a bunch of kids was considered a sign of prosperity and strength of the union of a man and a woman. But modern men are in no hurry to acquire offspring. Find out what scares them.

Loss of independence

There is nothing worse for a freedom-loving man than the loss of independence. A child - especially in the first months of life - makes both parents forget what sleep, rest and entertainment are. There are very few people who are ready to give up these values ​​in their younger years.

The conscious rejection of pleasure is a serious and adult decision. Only a man who clearly understands that no petty whims can equal the joy of communicating with his baby can become a good father.

Responsibility

Many men admit that in the birth of children they are most afraid of the responsibility that inevitably falls on them.

shoulders. Moreover, this burden is not only moral, but also material. And here you can’t argue with the earners: at first, the functions of providing the family with everything necessary are completely transferred to the husband.

But there are a lot of alarmists who disown children with their financial insolvency. Such men can blame all their lives for the fact that they have not yet earned money for diapers, cars, or - take it higher - the education of the future child. Loving parents will always find funds for their child. But if a man himself is stuck in childhood, all the money in the world will not be enough to adequately raise an offspring.

Jealousy

Male infantilism, by the way, is a real plague of the 21st century. The second most popular reason why men delay having children is

fear of neglect from his wife. Such a spouse looks at a rosy-cheeked baby and sees in him a rival in the struggle for the care of his beloved woman.

As a rule, this psychological problem "blooms" after the birth of the first child. A man, accustomed to being groomed and cherished, feels how the little man easily pushed him into the background. Fortunately, in strong loving families, this incident is easily resolved. It is enough for a young mother to involve her husband in caring for the child as much as possible, without focusing on the baby and without removing her husband from any duties. Let your loved one feel that the newborn is your common miracle, and you need to share all the joys and troubles for two.

Difficulties of education

However, sometimes it is the fear of trouble that keeps a man from conceiving a new life. Do not scare future dads

as many endless diapers and sleepless nights as their own inability to grow and properly educate a person. And this is understandable: the responsibility is indeed colossal.

But there is a golden rule for parents: show the child that you love him without falling in love with him to the point of being spoiled. How to implement this in practice is described in a huge amount of psychological literature. Of course, each baby is individual, but it is important to understand that you are not alone. With any of your questions today, you can turn to the parent forums and quickly get friendly and helpful advice from more experienced moms and dads.

Wrong woman

Another reason why a man may not want a baby is insecurity in the woman who is nearby. The chosen one can be a great friend to him, a wonderful lover, but he does not see her as the mother of his children.

Forcing and insisting in this case does not make sense. A man who agrees to have a child under the pressure of a woman will howl and fly away into the sunset at the first difficulty. And it is absurd to hope that difficulties can be avoided. It is even more ridiculous to think that a child is a way to keep a loved one. Giving birth to a baby from a man who sees his future with another woman can make all three unhappy.

Loss of a mistress

Let's be honest, men are great connoisseurs of female forms. And changes in figure and sexual appetite

beloved after childbirth cannot but frighten them.

If this is the only thing that prevents the birth of a baby, such a family can only be envied. A wise woman will look at her husband's fears as an incentive to quickly regain her tone after the birth of a child. After all, what's wrong with turning into a young and slender mother, whose energy is enough to take care of children and pay attention to their father?

Why do men need children?

Let's look at the problem from a different angle. Why do men still decide to have a baby?

As a rule, this decision is influenced by the desire to continue their race. There is no escape from the age-old patriarchal tradition. To a large extent it is

therefore, future fathers dream of the birth of a son. In addition, men see a young friend in their sons: they dream with rapture about fishing together or watching football matches.

Others sleep and see how a little princess will appear in their family. Most often, men who are madly in love with their wives dream of a daughter. The little girl is seen by him as a miniature copy of the woman he loves. Fathers they become no less crazy.

The moralizer's unfulfilled ambitions can, however, take him too far. Often, well-meaning parents try to protect their children from their mistakes. Adults think like this: I didn’t manage to live an ideal life, but my child will make this dream come true 100%. We must not forget that every person - even the most beloved and tenderly protected - has the right to ups and downs.

Even if your man is firmly opposed to the birth of children, do not despair. Talk to him, get to the bottom of the reasons: the true fears of the chosen one can be easily eliminated. Holding hands, a loving man and woman can move mountains. And without wise female support, not a single man can cope with the role of the head of a happy family.

When two people remarry, having children from the previous one, on the one hand, this is wonderful. After all, they decided not to stay forever in the past, but on the contrary, they are ready to start a new life and try to build new relationships from scratch. On the other hand, everyone still has a past, and in the face of children it reminds of itself every day, requiring additional attention and love. Can children from a first marriage become a serious problem for a new relationship?

You need to start thinking about how to avoid possible problems associated with children from former spouses from the moment you meet a new potential partner. Have you just found out that your friend has children from his first marriage? So, it's time to carefully read our advice.

Both a man and a woman, having decided to connect their lives with a person who already has children, should be prepared for the fact that at least one concern in their life will become more. However, as the experience of psychological practice shows, women and men look differently at the fact that an additional cause for concern will appear in their lives.

Mistakes of spouses in relationships with children from their first marriage

If a man connects his life with a woman who already has children, then he will have to exist with them under the same roof. And this will happen, most likely, in addition to his desires - children, as a rule, after a divorce, remain with their mother. In order for life in a new family not to become a burdensome burden for everyone, let's consider how, from a male point of view, he should treat the children of his new companion.

Who the child will become in a new family depends only on adults

Typical misconceptions of men

• Misconception #1

The man begins to think: “In her life now the main thing is me, and her child must obey me unquestioningly,” and as a result he receives violent resistance from the child. How to fix the situation?

At the very beginning of your relationship with a woman, you need to be prepared for the fact that you are unlikely to become her No. 1 family member, in real life this happens extremely rarely. More often than not, the most important place in a woman's heart is her child. No need to try to radically change something, just try to take this state of affairs for granted. In addition, there are many examples that over time, both the child from the first marriage and the second spouse become equal members of the new family, and how quickly this happens depends on everyone, including the man. Be patient!

• Misconception #2

The man thinks: "Since a new love has appeared in her life - me, her manifestations of love for the child should not be as strong as before." As a result, the child develops insane jealousy towards the mother. How to proceed in this case?

It is very difficult to get rid of the jealousy of a child (at whatever age he may be), and this must also be accepted. Yes, this is quite understandable: after the divorce, the mother was left alone with the baby, and her attention and care went exclusively to him without a trace. Why now have to share them with a complete stranger? Winning the trust and sympathy of a child, especially if he maintains a good relationship with his father, can be very difficult.

However, nothing is impossible, and gradually it may well happen. Do not oppose yourself to the son or daughter of your new spouse on the principle of "Either I, or he (she)". With a greater degree of probability, your girlfriend will prefer the child, so give him the opportunity to get used to you, spend more time together, communicate.

Be sympathetic to the fact that the mother still hugs and kisses her baby before leaving for kindergarten or school, in the morning after waking up or in the evening before bedtime. Receiving his portion of tenderness, the baby will not object to his mother treating you well.

There are no winners in a family fight

• Misconception #3

Some men think: “A wife’s child from her first marriage should respect me only because I am a man and I am older!”

Unfortunately, this principle usually “does not work” in life. A person at any age understands that people are different from each other, and it is not necessary to respect everyone in a row, especially if this is a stranger, from his point of view, a person. The wariness in relationships, and the rejection of new responsibilities, and sometimes a sharp denial of changes in life, up to open protest, are quite understandable.

Of course, respect for others is important for a man, it raises self-esteem in his eyes. But respect still needs to be earned, and this will happen when a man with his deeds and deeds can convince the young man that he is completely worthy of it. Persuasion and verbal arguments, as a rule, have no power, but real help and support in some difficult situation can significantly speed up the process.

Imagine a boy needs help fixing a broken toy or taking him to a football match. His father rarely sees him, and here he is - an opportunity to show masculine qualities and become a new friend for the little man. It is only important to remember that all actions must be sincere, come from the heart, and not with the aim of quickly proving something to someone, because children feel falsehood very well!

Joint hobbies - the shortest path to mutual understanding

Common female mistakes

When women get married a second time, many of them say: “Yes, he has children from his first marriage, I don’t mind their communication at all. Of course, he should see them and help them financially, because he is their father!

Unfortunately, after the wedding, this point of view begins to undergo significant changes. It increasingly seems to a newly-made wife that her second husband devotes much more time to children from his first marriage than to her own (if she also has them). Gradually, financial assistance to children (and what if her first wife?) Becomes for her an unfortunate hindrance to the family budget. There are also other problems, which we will discuss in more detail.

“I think that he meets too often with his ex-family and spends a lot of time with them”

In this case, most likely, we are talking about jealousy. Even the mention of the child's name annoys you? Does it seem to you that spending the weekend with your son or daughter from your first marriage, your husband is less and less with you and moves away from you? Yes, you are jealous. And this is understandable - before the wedding, it seemed to you that nothing terrible would happen if the husband and his children from his first wife would see each other. However, over time, it may begin to seem to you that the husband is simply taking precious time away from a new family in which he could spend time with you.
Try to look at the situation with different eyes and talk heart to heart with your husband. Discuss with him in detail his plans for further relationships with children. How often is he going to devote weekends to them? Are you planning a vacation trip together? What amount from the family budget do you agree to regularly allocate to support your husband's children from his first marriage? When all the omissions and reticences are cleared up, your life will become much easier, and you will immediately notice it!

“Husband talks too often with his first wife and talks to her for too long on the phone.”

Jealousy for his ex-wife lies in the unwillingness to accept the husband’s child into life.

Jealousy also intensifies if the husband actively continues to communicate with his first wife (the option “We divorced, but remained friends”). This situation is especially painful for a woman if the first wife did not marry a second time and now she may well become a real rival. Yes, they have a lot in common with your current husband: a joint rich past, and most importantly, a common child. But don't forget - they DIVORCED. After all, there was a reason for this, and a very good one! Now think - what reason, more significant, could force your spouse to return to his former family? It is unlikely that such a reason exists. Trust your companion, and then your jealousy, often completely groundless, will come to naught.

“We need to give birth to a common child, then he will spend all the time in our new family”

A young husband and wife, even if it is their remarriage, may well decide to have a joint baby, and this happens very often. However, there are times when a husband declares: “I already have children from my first marriage, I no longer plan to become a father.” And this situation may suit you if you also already have a child. It is a completely different matter when you do not yet have offspring, and you really want to give birth to a baby from a loved one.

Here you can be advised to find out in advance the attitude of your chosen one to joint children. If, even before the wedding, he categorically speaks out against common children, think about whether it is worth starting a common life at the risk of never experiencing the happiness of becoming a mother?

If the husband, on the contrary, warmly supports your desire to become a mother, you should be prepared in advance for the fact that he will not leave the first children without attention. Yes, he will take care of your baby, but he will still give part of his time to older children. And it's best to just deal with it.

Building your happiness, do not forget about the happiness of children

How to avoid mistakes when communicating with a child from a previous marriage

“My new husband has children from his first marriage - just lovely! We get along great!” – today such a phrase can be heard less and less. The realities of modern life are such that its rapid pace does not allow you to delve into building relationships, however, if you want more harmony and tranquility in a new family, try to build relationships with your husband's eldest child.

Nobody forces him to love, just treat him like an ordinary person, albeit a small one for now. Show respect, be interested in what he is interested in, if possible, remain neutral in controversial situations and do not interfere with his communication with his father. Having become older, the child will certainly appreciate the absence of dictate and scandalous episodes on your part.

How to prevent childhood suffering

“Children suffer the most” - unfortunately, this common phrase is very true. The kid cannot protect himself, influence the course of events, force mom and dad not to get divorced and stay together - together with each other, together with him. Instead of the usual, well-established life, he first gets an unhappy, silent mother, deeply experiencing a divorce, and then the appearance of a new, alien person in their life. Mom begins to reckon with this stranger, spend a lot of time with him. And what does the baby feel at this time?

Most children during the period of divorce and establishing a new relationship with their stepfather experience an incredible shock that can have a strong impact on their entire subsequent life. And it will depend on the mother how tangible the consequences of such a shock will be.

In no case do not radically rebuild his life, do not force him to change his little habits. Do not cancel your little rituals - hug your mom, kiss before bed, talk about your business at the end of the day. Let the growing little man understand that his life is still inextricably linked with you, that the new family member is not going to force him out. Let the baby constantly feel your care, attention, and, of course, love, only in this case he will grow up as a sensitive, kind person, able to appreciate participation and warmth.

Video: psychologist consultation

What children think When parents get divorced, most of all those around them feel sorry for the child. After all, now he will have to live without a dad. Even if the father will be present in the life of his child, it is no longer constant, as before. Of course, young children cannot answer a difficult question, but teenagers find the answer. They believe that the father leaves the family because of them, and comes back because of them too. Children are selfish, and this is quite normal. Their universe revolves around family and when something goes wrong, they can blame themselves. How often do men actually return to the family for the sake of children? The statistics show no. This is not surprising in Russia. A man can return to his wife, to the usual way of life and, as a result, to the child. But for the sake of children, few of the representatives of the stronger sex will leave their mistress.

Why do men return to ex-wives after divorce?

But time passes, everything around changes, the husband has new interests, and the wife remains at the same level of development as she was before the birth. Therefore, do not waste your leisure time on TV. It’s better to read a book so that your missus has something to talk about with you. Why do men return to ex-wives? Psychologists say that we all love constancy, but we want change.

If a girl can periodically make small changes in a man’s life and thereby dilute a boring life, her husband will never leave her. How to build a relationship so that a man does not leave They say love lives for three years.

Attention

Is it so? It is very difficult to check. Some couples easily live to a golden wedding, and some cannot last even five years together. No matter how many men return to their ex-wives, the main task of a woman is to make sure that her chosen one does not leave the family.

Do ex-husbands return to their wives after divorce

If a woman does not allow the thought of parting and wants to keep her lover, then she needs to do everything to make him feel good with her. For example, if the chosen one loves delicious food, you need to start cooking your favorite dishes, invite noisy friends of your other half to visit and become the best friend of the beloved’s mother.

A woman should become the best for her other half: be in a good mood, start conversations on topics that are interesting to him. It may happen that the satellite understands what an ideal woman is with him and changes his mind about leaving.

In this case, you no longer have to look for an answer to the question of how to understand that a man wants to leave. Take the test Test: What is my character? 1/11 You met a young man (MCh), you practically fell in love with him and want to be with him.
However, parents think otherwise.

How does a man behave when he wants to return?

What we have - we do not store, having lost - we cry. In the male community, returning to a wife is often tacitly disapproved of, it is considered a sign of weakness, so many men do not dare to return, although they suffer from depression and homesickness. Pavlov's dog Do we often think how important the established order of things is for us? Men quickly get used to the way of life established in the family.

Next to his wife, it is easier, more understandable for him, he knows what praise will follow, and what can lead to conflict. The wife becomes the "friend of life" about whom the husband knows almost everything (and who knows him just as well).

How to understand that a man wants to return to his ex-wife?

It would seem that divorce is an extreme measure, after which there can be no talk of restoring the family. But, according to statistics, every third man after a divorce would like to return to his ex-wife, and every fourth does it.

Important

Why do men return to the family after a divorce?

• Male psychology
• Do Husbands Come Back After Divorce?
• How to get along with an ex

A few years after marriage, many men begin to be weary of marriage ties. Some husbands say that they are incapable of family life, that they are not ready for a large number of responsibilities, or even seek to find adventure on the side.

Problems can start even after a couple of decades of marriage. Experiencing a midlife crisis, a man sometimes believes that the family does not understand him, he spent half his life in vain, and his wife has changed a lot for the better.

A man loves his ex-wife and returned to her: what to do?

Many girls pay attention to the fact that before the resurrection of a relationship, a lover often begins to appear in common companies. The guy is literally looking for a meeting, he wants to contact the girl as much as possible.

As a result, they cross paths all the time at work or at mutual friends' parties. Sooner or later, such regular contacts will lead to the fact that people will begin to communicate better, building bridges for continuing relationships.

Here everything will depend on the girl, because despite the fact that the stronger sex almost always takes the first step, men always expect responses from their partner, and without them they will not initiate further contact. Very often, men who want to secretly resurrect a relationship begin to behave aggressively.

In particular, they are rude to former lovers, trying to attract their attention and resurrect at least some feelings in their hearts.

Can he return to his ex-wife?

Often a woman does not even notice that every day she devotes less and less time to her spouse. Household chores, a child, meetings with friends and parents take away all your free time. It simply does not remain for love. And in this situation, the man begins to look for warmth and understanding on the side.

• The third is financial problems. A young family should always live separately, but, unfortunately, not all people have the opportunity to buy their own apartment. When the newlyweds live with their parents, constant quarrels begin between them. The older generation is trying to teach children how to live and constantly intervenes in their problems. To endure this for a long time, many do not have the strength.

Why men are looking for love on the side We have learned why the representatives of the stronger sex leave the family.

Why do men return

There will be another article in which we will consider these two “parallels” in more detail: the new one and – I don’t want to say the old one – the former one. The man returned to his ex-wife So, he thought, or, without even saying a word to you, he simply went to her, the former one.

Even if you just met with him and it didn’t get to the wedding, you must admit, it’s not very pleasant. That is, you were worse than the other. Stop! Look at it differently. You are not suitable for this particular man, he is not the one you need. Clearly, self-esteem is hurt. But take things easy. Do not consider yourself the center of the universe - and you will become the center of attraction for the only one you have yet to meet. Another situation - the husband returned to his ex-wife. It's officially yours. With whom you passed under the march of Mendelssohn. Who your parents call "son." Maybe this is an exaggeration, but the situation is extremely unpleasant.

First doctor

Thirdly, a person is fickle, behind him you will not feel like behind a stone wall. The reasons for his desire to return can be very different.

For example, if he has children from a previous marriage, or mutual acquaintances constantly push them together, which makes it impossible to “break this umbilical cord”. We will talk in more detail about all these tricks of the former in another article on the site ko6e4ka.ru.

Another seemingly weighty reason for many women is this: "My husband loves his ex-wife." Of course, those who are on your side can throw mud at him and say that he is a traitor, that he does not know the feeling of love at all.

But this feeling is so individual, it cannot be “felt” and measured. And sometimes, to understand what you love, you need to be at a distance.

Sometimes and compare, no matter how unpleasant it may sound. However, sometimes you, as a new wife, can yourself push him to this conclusion.

How to understand that a husband wants to return to his ex-wife

So you will fall very low in his eyes, because how can you be with someone who does not respect herself. It is very important to “work on the mistakes” and understand the reasons. Perhaps you "strangled" him with your love. “Washed down” - everything is from her, from great love. Remember: a man, even with a stamp in his passport, still considers himself free. And you need to cunningly give him the appearance of this freedom. Perhaps that one, the former, gave him such freedom. And it was also her mistake: he left her in the end. But after all, he returned ... Draw conclusions, in general. Of course, you shouldn't engage in such self-discipline right away. You need to love yourself. If you think you love, then love even more.

Do not spare money for your hobbies, for self-care. Become irresistible - and you will meet a man even better. And just in order to avoid similar mistakes, you need to sensibly assess the reasons why the beloved returned to his ex-wife.

How to understand that a guy wants to return to his ex-wife

Many girls are tormented by the question of why men return to their ex-wives if something does not suit them in marriage. Some say that during a life together a habit is developed, others argue that true love never goes away.

Today we will try to get to the bottom of this issue. Read all the details below. Why Men Leave Every marriage has its problems.

And in order to answer the question of why men return to ex-wives, you must first understand why they leave their faithful.

• The first is, of course, due to an elementary misunderstanding. People change with age, and it is foolish to reproach a person that he is no longer the same as he was before. This is quite natural. A person develops, his interests and goals change. And this means that you need to come to terms with a new personality, and not try to return the past.
• The second is eternal employment.