A mother who does not love her child ... One of the most taboo topics, and for both sides of this drama. Such situations are no longer a secret for people of any helping professions.
It is difficult for a mother to admit to herself that she does not love a child, it is difficult to see for one reason or another the scarcity of her resource and seek help, and for a daughter who has experienced childhood in such a family, it is difficult to see reality undistorted by dislike.
This article is just about the importance of having the right to talk about such an injury - not in order to blame someone, but only so that the pain does not remain inside a poisonous silence, in order to have the right to say "no, this is not with me not everything is fine, I just went through a very difficult experience."
And it is especially difficult to talk about this when, from the outside, for others, the family seemed absolutely normal, if not ideal, and when "dislike" is not about a hungry childhood and beatings.
“When I tell people about my childhood, and they say that I had nothing to complain about, I always say: if only you could see through the impenetrable thickness of family walls…”
Two things I hear from readers all the time when I write about toxic mothers. The very first - "I thought I was the only one" and in these words all the loneliness of an unloved child. The second - "I never told anyone about this, because I was afraid that no one would believe me, and even if they did, they would think that it was my fault."
The rule of silence, as I call it, is part of the problem of unloved daughters, because discussion of maternal behavior is taboo. The irony is that such mothers—whether they have narcissistic traits, show overcontrol, are emotionally unavailable, or are overly conflicted—care a lot about what other people think.
The emotional confusion and pain of the daughter is exacerbated by the difference that can be observed between how the mother treats her daughter in public and when they are alone.
The reality is that most of these mothers seem wonderful to others. Even if they are not rich, such mothers may have the image of an ideal housewife, whose children are clothed and fed. Often, they participate in various local meetings, charitable initiatives - the public image is very important for them.
“My mother, all my childhood, devalued my academic success, saying that, well, at least something should work out for me, otherwise I’m so scary and fat. She made me feel terrible every day. Imagine my surprise when I found out as an adult that she would brag about my success to others because it made her a successful mother in the eyes of others. That was the last straw. Just classic hypocrisy."
Hiding from direct view
Sometimes distant relatives are aware of what is happening in the family, but it is served to them with sauce, our daughter is such a "difficult" child, "capricious", "too sensitive" or "she needs to be kept within", "she needs strictness" - this justifies a specific attitude towards the child, otherwise people would have questions.But most often the true state of affairs, this "secret", remains within the family. When all distant relatives and acquaintances get together, such gatherings are organized by the mother, among other things, to maintain her image of a loving, attentive and family woman.
Sometimes fathers are directly involved in this negative mother-to-daughter relationship, but more often than not, they are not. They may turn a blind eye to the behavior of the spouse or accept her explanations because they believed in their idea "I know how to raise children, this is a woman's business." In some families, the father finds a way to support his daughter, even if not openly:
“My father did not want to directly conflict with my mother and become a target for her aggression. But he showed his love and support imperceptibly, not as openly as I would like, but nevertheless I felt his protection. the pain that my mother’s attitude caused me, but the truth was easier.
In other families, the "secret" is known to the sister or brother, who compete with each other with sports passion for the mother's love and affection. The controlling and conflict mother, as well as the mother with narcissistic traits, give out such support "in portions" so that all attention is where, in her opinion, it should be: only on her.
Undercover wrestling and gaslighting
Family secrets plunge the daughter, who doesn't feel appropriate anyway, into isolation. Not surprisingly, the huge question that haunts these children is very simple: if the people who should love me don't love me, then who in the whole world will love me?This question, as a rule, drowns out all the applause that is heard about the unloved daughter from the outside world - nothing can raise self-esteem, not new friends, not success in school, not talent in anything.
The mother's relationship with her daughter continues to distort the daughter's sense of self - drop by drop, drop by drop, endless drops of doubt. In fact, in any hidden struggle - including gaslighting - the consequences are the most devastating, precisely from the non-obvious conflict.
“When I grew up and tried to talk to my mother about what she said to me and what she did to me, she simply denied that it was at all. She directly accused me of turning everything upside down. She called me crazy and I told my brother to call me "crazy Jenny" I know I was right but still on some level I couldn't believe in myself and my internal struggle still goes on I can never believe my perception of things Well, you understand."
Why is it so hard to break the silence
It is difficult to overestimate the complexity of the emotional bond between unloved daughters and their mothers. They still want their mothers to love them, even when they see that the mother simply does not have this love. They feel unloved and completely isolated, but fear that talking openly about this problem will bring even more shame and a sense of isolation. And most of all they worry that no one will believe them.Researchers estimate that about 40% - 50% of children do not get their emotional needs met during childhood and have an insecure attachment style. Family secrets make life difficult for such children, and now for adults, it is difficult for them to feel that they are being heard and supported.
And if you were lucky and you had a loving mother or loving parents, and even if not an “ideal” childhood, but still one that helped you confidently get on your feet, I beg you to remember these numbers and understand that it was not so with everyone.
©Peg Streep, translated by Yulia Lapina.
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|The most precious word in life for every person is mom. It was for us the source of the most valuable thing - life. How does it happen that there are children and even adults from whom you can hear terrible words: “Mom doesn’t love me…”? Can such a person be happy? What are the consequences in adult life for an unloved child and what to do in such a situation?
unloved child
In all literary, musical and artistic works, the image of the mother is sung as gentle, kind, sensitive and loving. Mom is associated with warmth and care. When we feel bad, we voluntarily or involuntarily shout “Mom!”. How does it happen that for someone mom is not in this way. Why do we increasingly hear: “What if my mother does not love me?” from children and even adults.
Surprisingly, such words can be heard not only in problem families, where parents fall under the risk group category, but also in families, at first glance, very prosperous, where everything is normal in the material sense, the mother takes care of the child, feeds him, clothes , escorts to school, etc.
It turns out that it is possible to perform all the duties of a mother at the physical level, but at the same time deprive the child of the main thing - in love! If a girl does not feel maternal love, she will go through life with a pile of fears and complexes. This also applies to boys. For a child, an internal question is: “What should I do if my mother does not love me?” turns into a real disaster.Boys, in general, having matured, will not be able to treat a woman normally, they will, without noticing it themselves, unconsciously take revenge on her for the lack of love in childhood. It is difficult for such a man to build adequate, healthy and full-fledged, harmonious relationships with the female sex. 
How is maternal dislike manifested?
If a mother is prone to regular moral pressure, pressure on her child, if she tries to move away from her child, not to think about his problems and not listen to his wishes, then most likely she really does not love her child. Constantly sounding inner question: “What if my mother does not love me?” leads a child, even an adult, to depressive states, which, as you know, are fraught with consequences. Mother's dislike may arise for various reasons, but most of all it is connected with the father of the child, who did not properly treat his woman, was greedy with her in everything, both in material and in feelings. Perhaps the mother was completely abandoned, and she is raising the child herself. And not even one!
All the mother's dislike for the child arises from the difficulties that she experiences. Most likely, this woman, being a child, herself was not loved by her parents ... It would not be surprising to discover if this mother herself in her childhood asked herself the question: “What should I do if my mother does not love me?”, But she did not look for answers to it and something either change in her life, but simply imperceptibly went the same way, repeating her mother's behavior pattern.
Why doesn't mom love me?
It is hard to believe, but there are situations in life of total indifference and hypocrisy of a mother to her child. Moreover, such mothers can praise their daughter or son in every possible way in public, but left alone, insult, humiliate and ignore. Such mothers do not restrict the child in clothing, food or education. They do not give him elementary affection and love, do not talk heart to heart with the child, are not interested in his inner world and desires. As a result, the son (daughter) does not love his mother. What to do if trusting sincere relations do not arise between mother and son (daughter). It even happens that this indifference is imperceptible.
The world around the child perceives through the prism of maternal love. And if it is not, then how will the unloved child see the world? From childhood, the child asks the question: “Why am I unloved? What's wrong? Why is my mother so indifferent and cruel to me? Of course, for him it is a psychological trauma, the depth of which can hardly be measured. This little man will go into adulthood squeezed, notorious, with a mountain of fears and not at all able to love and be loved. How should he build his life? Is it doomed to disappointment?
Examples of negative situations
Often, mothers themselves do not notice how they created a situation with their indifference, when they are already asking the question: “What if the child does not love his mother?” and do not understand the reasons, blaming again the child. This is a typical situation, moreover, if a child asks such a question, he looks for a way out with his childish mind and tries to please his mother, blaming himself. And mom, on the contrary, never wants to understand that she herself was the cause of such a relationship.
One example of a mother's undesirable attitude towards her child is the standard school grade in the diary. One child will be cheered up if the grade is low, they say, nothing, the next time it will be higher, and the other will be neglected and will be called mediocrity and lazy ... It also happens that mom doesn’t care about studying at all, and she doesn’t look at school, and she , and will not ask about what kind of pen you need or a new notebook? Therefore, to the question: “What if the children do not love their mother?” First of all, it is necessary to answer the mother to herself: “What did I do to make the children love me?”. Mothers pay dearly for neglecting their children.
Golden mean
But it also happens that a mother pleases her child in every possible way and raises a “narcissus” out of him - these are also anomalies, such children are not very grateful, they consider themselves the center of the universe, and their mother is the source of satisfaction of their needs. These children will also grow up unable to love, but they will learn to take and demand well! Therefore, there must be a measure in everything, a “golden mean”, rigor and love! Always, when a mother, you need to look for the roots in relation to the parent to his child. It is usually distorted and crippled, needs to be corrected, and the sooner the better. Children are able to quickly forgive and forget the bad, in contrast to the already formed adult consciousness.
Constant indifference and negative attitude towards the child make an indelible imprint on his life. Mostly even indelible. Only a few unloved children in adulthood find the strength and potential in themselves to correct the negative line of fate laid down by their mother.
What should a parent do if a 3-year-old child says that she does not love her mother and can even hit her?
This situation is often the result of emotional instability. Perhaps the child is not getting enough attention. Mom does not play with him, there is no physical contact. The baby needs to be often hugged, kissed and told to him about his mother's love for him. Before going to bed, he needs to calm down, stroking his back, reading a fairy tale. The situation of the relationship between mom and dad is also important. If it is negative, then do not be surprised at the behavior of the child. If there is a grandmother in the family, then her attitude towards mom and dad is a powerful influence on the psyche of the child.
In addition, there should not be too many prohibitions in the family, and the rules should be the same for everyone. If the child is too naughty, then try to listen to him, find out what is bothering him. Help him, show an example of a calm resolution of any difficult situation. This will be a great brick in his future adult life. And all fights, of course, need to be stopped. When waving at his mother, the child must, clearly looking into his eyes and holding his hand, firmly say that his mother cannot be beaten! The main thing is to be consistent in everything, act calmly and judiciously.
What not to do
The most common question is “What should I do if I am not a child beloved by my mother?” ask themselves already matured children too late. The thinking of such a person is already formed and is very difficult to correct. But do not despair! Awareness is the beginning of success! The main thing is that such a question does not grow into a statement: “Yes, no one loves me at all!”.
It’s scary to think, but the inner assertion that I am unloved by my mother has a catastrophic effect on relationships with the opposite sex. If it so happened that the son does not love his mother, then he is unlikely to be able to love his wife and children. Such a person is unsure of his abilities, does not trust people, cannot adequately assess the situation at work and outside the home, which affects his career growth and the environment as a whole. This also applies to daughters who do not love mothers.
You can’t lead yourself into a dead end and say to yourself: “Everything is wrong with me, I’m a loser (loser), I’m not good enough (good), I ruined (ruined) my mother’s life”, etc. Such thoughts will lead to even more impasse and dive into the problem. Parents are not chosen, so the situation must be released, and mom must be forgiven!
How to live and what to do if my mother does not love me?
The reasons for such thoughts are described above. “But how to live with it?” - the unloved child will ask in adulthood. First of all, you need to stop taking everything tragically and close to your heart. Life is one, and what quality it will be, for the most part depends on the person himself. Yes, it's bad that this happened to the relationship between mom, but that's not all!
You need to firmly say to yourself: “I will no longer allow negative messages from my mother to influence my inner world! This is my life, I want to have a healthy mind and a positive attitude towards the world around me! I can love and be loved! I know how to give joy and receive it from another person! I love to smile, I will wake up with a smile every morning and fall asleep every day! And I forgive my mother and do not hold a grudge against her! I love her simply because she gave me life! I am grateful to her for this and for the life lesson she gave me! Now I know for sure that a good mood should be appreciated and fought for the feeling of love in my soul! I know the price of love and I will give it to my family!
We change consciousness
It is impossible to love by force! Well, okay ... But you can change your attitude and the picture of the world drawn in our head! You can radically change your attitude to what is happening in the family. It's not easy, but necessary. You may need the help of a professional psychologist. If we are talking about a girl, she must understand that she herself will be a mother, and the most valuable thing she can give her child is care and love!
No need to strive to please mom, and anyone else. Just live and just do good deeds. You need to do it to the best of your ability. If you feel the edge, after which an anguish may occur, stop, take a break, rethink the situation and move on. If you feel that your mother again presses on you with an aggressive attitude and drives you into a corner, say calmly and firmly “No! I'm sorry mom, but don't push me. I am an adult and I am responsible for my life. Thanks for taking care of me! I will love you back. But you don't have to break me. I want to love and give love to my children. They are my best! And I'm dad) in the world!".
There is no need to strive to please your mother, especially if in all the years of living with her you have realized that any act, no matter what you do, will be criticized or, at best, indifferent. Live! Just live! Call and help mom! Talk to her about love, but do not tear yourself more! Do everything calmly. And don't make excuses for all her reproaches! Just say: "I'm sorry, mom ... Okay, mom ...", and nothing more, smile and move on. Be wise - this is the key to a calm and joyful life!
I hardly remember my childhood until the age of 8, with the exception of unpleasant moments of physical pain from being beaten by my mother, falls and other situations in which my child's psyche was hurt. I don't remember a single happy day.
My mother raised me alone, when I was three years old, she divorced my alcoholic father. I am the third child. My older brother was brought up by my grandmother, my sister was taken by my father, with whom we did not keep in touch in the future.
Mom worked a lot, she is a doctor. She always came home nervous, she took out all her anger on me. Daily scandals, in which my grandmother also participated, during the day I had to endure my grandmother, and in the evening my mother, humiliation, obscenities, beatings ... The words that without her I am nobody and there is no way to call me, and if she dies, I will be in the garbage. That she did not arrange her life because of me, if she had brought a man, then my place would have been in the kitchen in the corner on a mat. Only my place was already in the kitchen on a folding sofa, due to the lack of my own room. I could not sleep with my grandmother, who goes to the toilet at night in a bucket and sprays urine in my face. And I could not sleep in a room with my mother, who is always angry and does not sleep until late at night. Naturally, I tried to sleep in one room, then another. But in the end, she went to the kitchen, and in the kitchen at 6 in the morning she got up, from a noisy kettle, etc. Taking into account that. that I fell asleep not earlier than three in the morning, thinking about my life, sobbing ... and cultivating hatred, anger and resentment in myself.
Now I'm 23 and I can't sleep at night. I wake up work and many other important things ... but even with strong tranquilizers I can’t fall asleep before 5-8 in the morning ... Because of which my mother is now ready to tear me to pieces, that I will never become a normal person, with normal work, schedule, mode. I am still a loser in her eyes, lazy, unable to change my life even in such a trifle as a dream.
Back to childhood. Even in kindergarten, it seemed to me that I was different from the rest, no one was friends with me. I don't know why, but I've always been a loner. At school, until the fifth grade, I sat on the last desk alone and was also an outcast. Maybe because I dressed badly and looked untidy, maybe because everyone noticed my problems. Everyone knew that if you offend me, no one will intercede. Mom didn't care, she had a lot of work.
But then I didn’t feel so bad, I still didn’t understand everything that lay ahead for me, but I already had a feeling that everything was going wrong, that something bad was waiting for me in the future ...
In the fifth grade, my mother's financial situation improved, she began to buy expensive things for me, etc., only with more reproaches. “Look how I try my best, and you, the creature, do not study! I will die from such work, and you will be in the trash! These words are always in my head.
Even buying me something expensive and beautiful, she said: “Where are you, cow, these hairpins? You'll break them on the first day." And he still buys. "Where are you, pig, this bright jacket, it will be black, you're a slob."
Now I rarely wear heels and in my wardrobe there is not a single color other than black ...
The above, of course, is not the reason, but there is something in it. Only my mother, now that I'm 23, is already screaming the opposite: “Why are you, like a teenage goth, putting on your black clothes and soldier's boots? Who needs you in such clothes? Go buy some real stuff! Take the money you need and buy!”
But I no longer need anything. I don't like shopping. I love expensive things and shoes, but strictly in my own style. Everything is black and aggressive.
From the fifth grade, everything just started ...
Problems in the family were compounded by problems at school. I didn't study well. I couldn't study better, I was constantly depressed. It seemed to me that my whole class hated me and was trying to hurt me somehow. There were even fights...
7th, 8th, 9th grade - sheer hell. At home, beatings and scandals due to grades, at school, beatings and humiliation by a high school student (in my class, from some point on, they began to fear me and did not touch me once again). I began to fall in love, of course, not mutually - and again pain, and again disappointment, ridicule, humiliation. I had almost no friends, and if I did, they left me at the first danger that they would begin to spread rot just like me, because of communication with me.
There were a lot of fights, they just took me one behind the school and beat several people, the reasons were different - I went in the wrong place, I didn’t say that.
At some point, I was called to the next “strelka” to be beaten, and they called a lot of people with the words “come and see how we will stuff her face.” I came as I always did. I had a friend with me. I don't know if she went with me as support or just out of pity.
The guy I loved at that moment came there, he was more on the side of the enemies than on mine. And here is the standard question: “What will you do if I push you now?” I want to say that I will hit you back. I'm tired of just standing and enduring it all, in front of so many people. I'm tired of being your whipping and mocking toy.
A friend read this in my eyes and shakes her head: “Answer that you will not do anything. No need. Do not do that". And I replied that I would push and hit her too.
In less than a second after my answer, I was already flying with my back to the asphalt. Someone caught me from behind, if they hadn't caught me, there would have been a strong blow to my head on the asphalt ... I immediately try to escape from the hands of the one who caught me. But they keep me. They laugh at the fact that I flew away like a rag doll from a blow to the chest. I don’t remember further ... Some kind of conversation, and now I was already in a fight with one of them ... I fought with all my might ... I didn’t see anything, I just beat her and beat her with all my might. She screamed for me to let her go. To which I continued to beat her even more. It seemed to me that the whole crowd ran into me, and I started to hit even harder ... But as it turned out, two adult guys tried to tear me away from one side of her, and two more tried to pull her out of my hands from the other side. Pulled out. I backed off. I was sick. In the mouth as if sprinkled with sand. I don’t understand anything ... either I’m standing, or I’m falling ... And the words of a friend: “You are done. Only I ask you not to fall, stand. After this, no one will touch you. Just stand there, don’t fall.”... They came up to me and asked if everything was fine with me and if I would report to the police... Of course not...
That girl then hid the beatings on her face with her hair for a long time ... I don’t like fights, but I had no choice. Although I still wanted to just kill her for some time, there was a feeling of incompleteness ... but I was dragged away ... No one else in my city touched me.
Maybe it's time to move on to suicide attempts.
I don't remember exactly when I did the first one...
Maybe I was 13 or 14 years old.
And the reason was a quarrel with my mother. A gold chain with a cross was missing from the house. Mom blamed my friends who came to visit, which I denied. And she replied: "If it was not your girlfriends, then you yourself stole it and spent the money on some kind of entertainment." I didn't believe my ears. Accuse me of stealing from my own mother, who gives me money, feeds me and clothes me. Living with which, I return home with fear, if only there was no next scandal. And then - to steal the chain, knowing in advance how it will turn out for me?
I still remember the lump of resentment in my throat for this accusation. And I thought, if you have such an opinion about me, then I should not live on.
I took a first aid kit and collected a handful (removed to satisfy Rospotrebnadzor - ed.), 40 pieces. She went to the mirror, peered into her tear-stained eyes for a long, long time, swallowing resentment. I said goodbye to myself and drank. I went to bed with full confidence that I would not wake up. But the next morning I woke up as if nothing had happened.
And she remembered her vision, which was even before that, at the age of 11. She was lying on the bed, either falling asleep, or just thinking about something. Now I don’t even remember if my eyes were open. I heard a voice, a woman's, but something inside me knew that it was not a human voice, but a much higher being. In addition to the voice, a fireball swirled before his eyes. And the voice said, “Why are you chasing death? There is something small and good in you, live for it, remember it.” I still don't understand what the voice was talking about.
The second attempt was in the ninth grade. I was 15. And this non-reciprocal love, just for the guy who was in the fight, in which I did not let myself be offended.
At that moment, I already understood which (removed to satisfy Rospotrebnadzor - ed.) I need to drink and in what quantity exactly so as not to stay alive. Houses have always been strong (deleted - ed.) in free access to them. As I said, my mother is a doctor. And this time the goal was (deleted - ed.). I will not write which ones, it is useless here.
The reason for the second suicide attempt was not only him. It was an impetus, a catalyst, like all other subsequent supposed causes. And I understood it. And I knew that by solving one problem, my life would not change. I already knew for sure that I did not want to live.
In one room is an old blind grandmother who sees nothing and suspects nothing. Me in the other room. Mom is on duty. I have the whole night at my disposal, and this time is enough for my heart to stop and the next morning I was found cold. In the hands of 5 plates of 10 (deleted - ed.) in each, I take out the first 10 and drink it down ... I start to open the second 10 ... A phone call. This is a friend. I couldn't take it anymore and said goodbye to her. She understood what was the matter and tried to talk to me and prolong the time. Even asked this guy to call me. And he called. He was just silent on the phone ... And with this silence, I fell asleep from 10 drinks (deleted - ed.) ...
Mom came the next day. Understood what was the matter. Raised me with screams and another scandal. To which I jumped up and ran into my grandmother's room, in which there was no grandmother (she tried to calm my mother), closed the door with a lock and fell asleep. Nobody touched me for more than a day ... They knocked, tried to open the door. I didn’t wake up, I woke up from screams and knocks that it was time to open the door, I opened it. But I was not yet in the mind of an adequate person.
Mom took me to the hospital. There is flushing, droppers, a sense of shame, self-loathing. Then the ridicule of everyone, my attempt was spread by rumors from my own friends. They came to see me in the hospital, but it seemed to me that they came more to see it as a spectacle, and not for sympathy.
I often (deleted - ed.) hands myself, by the age of 22 I had already switched to my feet so that they would not notice at work (deleted - ed.).
It blew me away. I liked hurting myself, I liked blood.
At 19 was the most difficult period. I missed two years of my life because everything was fine... just two years out of 23. I loved and it was mutual. This love was accompanied by dissociative drugs, entertainment, study, work, etc... I don't want to talk about it in detail. We broke up... and this is the end.
Six months after the breakup, I tried to live as if nothing had happened, gritting my teeth from the pain of losing the person who loved me so much and whom I loved. Who gave me more love in two years than my own mother can give in a lifetime...
Six months of unending anxiety. A cat sits in every corner of my chest and tears me apart from the inside every second of these six months. Nightmares. I wake up and scream from the horror of what I saw, severed legs, arms, heads in my dreams. Constant killing. My dreams could have been made into a horror movie. Before the eyes are always terrible pictures. I called them slide shows. You close your eyes and away you go. Monsters, people, strange creatures... faces, evil smiles... it drove me crazy.
I turned to a psychiatrist for help. I was offered to go to the examination for two weeks. I called my mom and told her everything. In response, another scandal and misunderstanding. “You are a creature, I give you such money. You study and invent illnesses for yourself. Go to work, you bastard, and everything will pass!!! If you miss school and go to the hospital, you can forget about my help!”
I didn't go to bed. I gritted my teeth and tried to continue studying... (deleted - ed.) my hands, somehow letting my demons out... Serious heart problems began, I was called an ambulance right at school. And all as one sent me after the cardiologist to the neurologist, finding out my condition. And the neurologist already to the psychiatrist. But I needed hospitalization, but I couldn’t, otherwise there would be a quarrel with my mother again ... Although I didn’t study anymore. I could not study, my hands were shaking, my pupils were constantly dilated (I had not yet taken antidepressants at that time). It was like I was under high voltage, like a bare wire - touch it and I'll be torn apart.
And so it happened. All this state I was accompanied by a friend ... and then he was just scared to look at everything and he left ... The sight was really scary ... I cut myself, sprinkling salt into the wound and rubbing it to make it hurt more, but if only to drown out the anxiety inside, if only the cats in the corners of my soul would disappear for at least an hour...
A friend was frightened by my eyes. To be honest, they scared me too. 24 hours a day dilated pupils. The eyes are huge, so angry, unhappy and at the same time devastated from the struggle with themselves. A sly smile through tears... I'll die anyway... I'll leave... I'll kill myself.
The friend could not stand it and left ...
That evening I asked him for a favor to go with me to the cemetery to bury myself.
I woke up in the morning with the thought that I should leave in the cemetery that part of me that wants to die. There was still a part of me that wanted to live and was afraid of death. This part is always with me.
We are going. I spent a lot of time looking for a place and finally found it. In my head there was already a rite that came to mind in the morning (I don’t know where, I already woke up with this thought). (The description of the perfect rite was deleted by the editors.) For the first two hours there was some kind of euphoria, a feeling of freedom. We quietly parted with a friend, and I went home.
An hour or two later, they changed me. I took a razor and cut my hand in four places. Lots, lots of blood. I'm sitting in a pool of my own blood (exactly how I imagined it months earlier) covered in blood, but euphoric... Feeling no pain, nothing... like a child in a pile of toys. I smeared myself with my blood and laughed ... It was hysterical. The friend is back. He tried to call an ambulance. I did not allow it, I said that I would just run away and then you would find my body on the street. He just bandaged me, stopped the bleeding... all night.
In the morning I came to my senses. I don’t remember well, but, according to his stories, I sat, swayed, looking at my hand and repeating the same thing - “I want my hand to become the same. And we went to the emergency room to stitch it up. 20 stitches. Severed tendons that healed for a very long time and ached with pain ...
Then I called my mother, and I begged her permission to go to the hospital, because I understood that the one that did this yesterday could return to me at any moment.
Hospital, rehabilitation three months, antidepressants, tranquilizers, psychologists. medical board...
She left with almost no symptoms. But all thoughts remained inside.
Two years later, another attempt ... Two years of fighting depression to no avail and another push ... And again an attempt ... After 6 hours they found ... resuscitation, without talking, without the consent of a psychiatric hospital, there was a second attempt, did not have time ... Stopped. I came to my senses three days later ... And that's it ... and emptiness ... terrible emptiness ...
I don't want to die anymore. My dark part of me still draws pictures of death in my head, every day ... but I'm used to it. I almost ignore it....
But I am no more. After the last time, something turned inside. Something or someone in me who knew how to love, suffer, feel pain or pleasure, left me. Now I don't know what will happen next. I just don't see my future for the next six months... And even going forward, making my dreams come true... and I do it automatically... I don't feel the taste of victory over death, over myself. Nothing gives pleasure. In the struggle, I lost a very important part of myself. The part that was responsible for feelings and emotions. Who had a chance to go through everything and be happy. And now I'm just a piece of meat, with scars and memories. The girl who wanted to live was tired of the endless struggle... She gave up... she left... taking everything with her. And without her, I'm nothing. I can't even make the decision to leave or stay.
It's better to feel pain than feel nothing.
Don't try to kill yourself. You may succeed, but you will stay here... In an even more terrible state of mind than it was at the moment when you decided to end everything.
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