How many women find themselves in this situation! The theme of the husband's unwillingness to have a second child- very often rises on women's forums on the Internet. And when a woman presents this problem, her virtual interlocutors give a variety of advice: from a complete rejection of their own aspirations to deception of their other half. Today we will look at a few typical stories and try to find ways out of these difficult situations.
glue the cup
Lyuba and Viktor have been together for three years. They have a two-year-old Pashka. But all is not well in the family haven. For several months now, the quarrels of the spouses have become almost daily. The word “divorce” slipped through several times ... But Lyuba did not want a divorce! She loved Victor, and they also bought an apartment together and have been paying off the loan so far. And if there is a divorce, then how to share everything? How about Pashka? A lot of questions stood in front of Any. But then an interesting thought came into her head: what if she gives birth to another baby? He and Vitya will again rejoice at the first smiles, steps, words, and there will be no time to quarrel. “Yes, and he will not dare to leave me with two children,” - no, no, and it flashed through Lyuba’s head. Choosing one of the moments of calm, she voiced her desire to give birth to another baby. And this led to another quarrel with a showdown. Victor was categorical: the second child will now be superfluous in their family. And before Any there was a question what to do...
Should I do a second one? child"glue" that should hold the family together? For many women, this option seems to be quite correct. They count on a man's sense of duty, on his decency. They hope that the first toothless smile will melt his heart. Are these hopes justified? Definite answer: NO. A child, neither the first nor the second, cannot (and should not!) Be a means of keeping a man. Hopes for a sense of duty and decency very often remain only hopes. A man, feeling that he was “deceived” in some way, may generally refuse to communicate with a woman and a child. The woman experiences a whole storm of emotions, realizing that the bets are lost. The kid, "not working", becomes unnecessary. And the share of the unloved child unenviable: he will never receive enough warmth and care, he will always doubt his value to other people, and it will be difficult for him to build his own family. Even if a man stays after learning about pregnancy, even if he attaches himself with all his heart to to kid, this will not solve his problems with a woman. After all, something led to a "crack" in the relationship? And this "something" remained unresolved. If you are aware that the desire to have a second child comes from the desire to keep the spouse, hold the family together, stop. Most likely, your spouse does not want to plan a second now, and he is right. You need to first understand the relationship, resolve "acute" issues. Maybe even see a psychologist. And when calm reigns in your harbor again, you both want another successor to the family. And this one child will be a true symbol of new family happiness and tranquility.
When there is no time for persuasion...
For some time now, Polina has been absorbed in the dream of the appearance of a second child. Buying five-year-old Mila clothes and toys, she could not pass by small blouses, caps and sliders. The maternal instinct was so strong that Polina almost felt pregnant. She dreamed of a baby, fully aware of how difficult times await their family. But she was ready for an endless diaper conveyor, and Mila's possible jealousy, and temporary financial difficulties. She talked a lot with her friends who managed to acquire two children, and she understood that she would completely “pull”. She already wanted to start a conversation with her husband about planning, as she realized that she was already pregnant! With eyes glowing with joy, she told the news to her husband, but he was not at all happy ...
This situation is perhaps the most difficult for a woman. Realizing that she is pregnant, the woman realizes that she really wants this baby, she already loves him. And the husband either expresses dissatisfaction, or openly insists on terminating the pregnancy. Sometimes men are so categorical that they say: “either an abortion, or a divorce!”. At this moment, a sharp conflict arises in the mind of a woman: she wants to child, which is already growing in the tummy, and she, more than ever, needs the support of her husband. But she also understands that she can lose her husband and be left with two children if she keeps the pregnancy. What to do? To go on about her husband or keep the pregnancy under the threat of breaking up with him? This is the most difficult choice, and no one but a woman has the right to decide what to do with her. But still, we outline a few guidelines that will help in thinking about the decision. The most important point here is the threat of divorce. And sometimes a woman prefers to have an abortion in order to save the relationship. But an unpleasant surprise awaits many: after a while, the marriage still breaks up. And the woman remains with a sense of guilt before the unborn baby, and with bitterness that even this desperate step did not save the family. Why does abortion provoke divorce? First, having terminated a pregnancy, a woman not only experiences guilt, but also strong rage directed at her husband for insisting on this step. Even if a woman does not show this rage, she lives inside, and corrodes the relationship, like rust. Secondly, a woman losing confidence in her husband, because at such an important moment for her and the whole family, he insisted on an abortion, thus choosing the easiest path for himself and the most difficult for a woman. She begins to wait for the "trick" in other matters. Thirdly, the fact that a man insists on an abortion makes it clear to a woman that he doesn't appreciate her health, and that the value of their love (and child- the fruit of this love), is insignificant for him. Fourth, a woman after an abortion may decreased sexual activity. Often women avoid contact with their husbands. And since sexual relations in marriage are one of the pillars on which it rests, one more support becomes less. Of course, all this provokes conflicts and misunderstandings. Therefore, one should not think that abortion is a guarantee of “saving” a marriage, rather it is a direct path to divorce. You have a serious conversation with your husband (perhaps more than one). What can help a husband to give up the idea of an abortion:
Idea #1:"From the beloved husband of the beloved child I will never kill!" By stating this, you emphasize your attitude towards your husband, and also show how valuable the baby growing in your tummy is to you. It is very important to show a man that you already love child that he is not an abstract “fruit” for you, but a little man.
Idea #2: let your husband know child- a real little man. Show pictures of your ultrasound. Tell me what child still very small, but his heart is already beating. For men, the fetus, especially until the moment of the first shocks, is something abstract, as if not real. Help your husband realize that even before 12 weeks, this is a real little man.
Idea #3: explain that abortions carry complications of varying severity(this is indeed true). These are infections, inflammatory diseases, bleeding, hormonal disorders, subsequent ectopic pregnancies, infertility - this is not a complete list. Is your husband ready to doom you to these diseases? And all this, not counting the psychological distress. ... Polina's husband insisted on an abortion. “You put an end to our family life!” he said. But Polina decided to keep child. "We didn't talk about the pregnancy until 17 or 18 weeks, like it wasn't there," she says. “But then everything gradually improved, and he began to worry along with me. Now I see such a loving and caring father, which I have not seen with my eldest daughter, and I must say that the youngest loves him the most. But I was already 35 years old, and I wanted a second so much that I put my family well-being on the scales. I realized that my husband could really leave. I went against his wishes and insisted on my own. Maybe this is wrong, of course, two children should want, but it was in me, and not in him, that this child. Therefore, at that moment, it was I who made such a responsible decision - to save the baby. There are many such stories with happy endings. Husbands who reacted negatively to the fact of the second pregnancy became gentle and loving fathers. Unfortunately, no one can guarantee that this will be the case. Therefore, try to avoid the situation of an “unexpected” unwanted pregnancy, and even more so do not deceive your husband by saying that you are protected or that “this day is safe”, in the hope that when the pregnancy becomes a fact, the husband will accept it resignedly. Try to convince your husband first, and then plan the pregnancy together.
unripe fruit
One of the common reasons men do not want to have a second child This is the so-called "immature paternity syndrome". Their first children are often "accidentally" and they marry for this reason, guided by the firm hand of the future wife, or mother-in-law, or their mother. An "immature" father may also plan for the first child, because he needs it for status (for example, to maintain the image of a respectable father of the family). As fathers, they show themselves reluctantly, communicating with the child only after long prodding, and to the maximum shift the responsibilities of upbringing and care to the wife. When the wife of such a man begins to think about a second child and voices this dream, she may hear in response: “But then I won’t be able to change the car next year (go abroad, buy ski equipment ...)”. For these men, the letter "I" is in the first place.
Just such men are “unripe fruits” and send their wives for an abortion, despite all the arguments that she gives them. It is they who are able to embody the threat of "divorce if child leave it to life. And if they remain in the family where their second will be born child, then they will continue to shift responsibility to the wife (“you yourself wanted this child So bring him up now!”). In general, the fate of the wives of such husbands is unenviable. Is it possible to stimulate an "immature" husband so that he sincerely wants to continue himself in a second child? Is it necessary? Even if he reluctantly agrees, it will be very difficult to wait for help in education from him. He wants to live "for himself" too much, despite his marital status. In general, think a hundred times whether you are ready to educate child virtually alone, with the formal presence of his father by his side. Perhaps it is worth waiting until the husband "grows up", and perhaps this will never happen. Start your new pregnant journey, fully aware that you should rely only on your own strength.
The child as a symbol of change
Often men, even "mature ones", do not want to plan a second child because they are... afraid! None of them will admit it, but in fact it is. What are the most common male fears? First, this fear that he will not be able to "feed" his large family, because, at least for 1.5-2 years, he again becomes the sole breadwinner! Secondly, this fear of being "rejected" again, Bye child small Dads remember that when their first child was born, the wife spent almost all her time baby, and she didn't have the time or energy to cook, clean, and have sex. The man remembers this feeling of "abandonment" and does not want it to repeat. Thirdly, this fear of worsening relationship with wife. The vast majority of couples are experiencing a "crisis of the birth of the first child". It lies in the fact that with the birth of the first child, the husband and wife acquire new roles of “father” and “mother”, and mastering these roles is not an easy task. It takes time to understand what it's like to be a parent. And often this period is full of mutual discontent and misunderstanding. But in the mind of a man, the time of birth child strongly associated with memories of quarrels with his wife. And so fear arises: will the same thing happen a second time? Fourth, this fear of losing your wife especially if the first birth was difficult. No, no, and the thought will flash through the male head: what if the birth goes so badly that I have to raise children alone? This fear rarely comes to the surface, into consciousness, but subconsciously it is always there, and it is he who provokes numerous male “excuses”.
Is it possible to deal with men's fears, because these fears are sometimes not even realized by the husbands themselves? Difficult, of course, but quite possible:
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Techniques that can help you in a conversation:
Idea #1: count the money. If you can figure out how much money will be spent monthly on diapers and other baby care, and you can show your spouse that this is quite feasible, even if he works alone, then half the job is done! Calculate how much is now monthly spent on family needs: clothes, food, payment of payments. Show him which parts can be temporarily cut in favor of diapers and undershirts. It might be worth it for you!
Idea #2: remind that the second baby will not appear tomorrow. Strangely, when women start talking about planning, this simple thought does not occur to men. But given that pregnancy will not come immediately, the family has some time left! And during this period, you can save up money, slowly renovate the room, and generally get used to the idea that soon the ranks of your family will be replenished with a new member.
Idea #3: remind the husband that many large things (the stroller, the crib and the rest of the dowry) were left over from the elder child, something you can buy with "maternity" or "postpartum" money. Relatives will give something else. So the main thing is the monthly content child, and it is quite feasible with a reasonable approach. And here, as they say, "the world is not without good people." Familiar mothers who have a baby will then be happy to give you little things!
Idea #4:"You are a worthy man!" Using this technique, you emphasize the headship and strength of your husband, as well as your love and respect for him. Marina, when talking with her husband about the birth of her second baby, said: “You know how many friends I have who simply do not want to have children from their husbands! They do not trust them, live with them more out of habit and see them mostly as flaws. I want child from you! I am glad that you are my husband, I love and respect you, so I want more children. This speech allowed Marina's husband to think that fatherhood is a gift of trust from his wife, it is recognition of him as a man and head of the family. And which man would refuse such a thing?
Idea #5:"Love isn't going anywhere!" This is an argument for men who are afraid that with birth child will once again recede into the background. This situation must be discussed in advance. For example, the way Tatyana did it: “Yes, I remember how often I had to eat store-bought dumplings when our first child was born. I remember sometimes you didn't have a fresh shirt because the machine was busy washing diapers. I sometimes lacked the strength to talk to you, and you must have felt lonely. Of course, when the second is born child, the first year will again be difficult. Most of my time will be taken up with his care. But know that my love hasn't gone away. Together we will overcome difficulties! It is important that a man knows that all these domestic troubles, the constant fatigue of his wife is not an indicator of discord in the relationship.
Idea #6:"You are already a father!" This argument is for those men who have experienced the turbulent period of the "crisis of the birth of the first child”, This period of misunderstanding, quarrels and grinding to the role of parents. It must be understood that the birth of the first child often leads to a crisis in the family. And by the time of the birth of the second, all the roles are already familiar, and the spouses have perfectly mastered what it is to be a mother and to be a father. You can and should tell your spouse about this, bringing the good news that there will be no new “redistribution of property”!
Idea #7:"I am healthy!". To ease a man's fear that something might happen to you or your baby, visit doctors before planning a pregnancy. Make sure you are healthy and ready for this challenging journey. Your own health is the key to the success of the health of the unborn baby. And report the results of the "medical examination" to your husband. Knowing that you are embarking on this path healthy, he will be less worried about your health and your baby.
Ilya, a happy father of two sons, once told me how he did not want the birth of a second child. “Our first-born was two years old when my Katerina started talking about the“ second Lyalya ”. I then could not restrain myself, and very sharply told her that the second was now out of the question. Our Maksimka was a very excitable child until the age of one and a half, he did not sleep well, he was capricious a lot. We were very tired. The wife was engaged practically only in the child. Of course, I understood that this was how it should be, but sometimes it was a shame that she even forgot to ask how my day went. Besides, I was the only earner. We did not need, of course, but there was no extra money either. In general, then the thought of a second child seemed terrible to me. Everything from the beginning again! I clearly wasn't ready." “Although I answered with a categorical “no!”, Katerina did not calm down. Only later did I realize that she had her own wise tactics. For a while, talk about the second stopped, but no, no, and she screwed stories about happy married couples with two children into our conversations. I saw how her eyes burn when she looks at the kids, I heard how she is interested in the issues of jealousy of the older ones for the younger ones and how moms and dads cope with two. Gradually, I began to come to the conclusion that people live with two children! And do not live in poverty, and enjoy life! In general, the idea of having a second child ceased to seem terrible to me. And then my wife told me that she went through all the doctors and is completely healthy. She once again said that she really wants "her beloved husband" to become the father of her beloved for the second time. child. And we had a big conversation. We discussed that, in general, we have enough money, all the things from the elder remained, and we are already experienced parents, so we can handle it. And now, after a little over a year, we got a second squeaky lump! When I look at him, I even remember with some shame that at first I did not want him to appear!
If your spouse is against the birth of a second child, do not be discouraged. It is quite possible that this is the very situation when "water wears away a stone." Be patient and take small steps towards your goal. Do not put pressure on a man, do not throw out a storm of discontent on him. If a woman feels an inner need to become a mother, then a man needs to be helped to realize and get used to the idea of becoming a dad again. With a delicate female approach, husbands become more loyal over time, and then with the same impatience they begin to wait for the “two stripes” as their wives. Many dads then say that being a father for the second time is a very special state. If the first time they were too tense, afraid to do something wrong, and as a result they completely abandoned all attempts, then the second time they feel more confident and are able to get great pleasure from communicating with the baby.
When you are pregnant for the first time and the whole family is looking forward to the first child, the attention of your husband and relatives to you is undivided. The husband rushes about with you, as with a crystal thicket and just blows dust off you. But then the baby was born, grew up and your family is already expecting a second child - a brother or sister for the first one. What difficulties and peculiarities can a pregnant woman and the whole family face this time. Globally distinguishes the first pregnancy from the second (and subsequent) lack of time and the inability to dispose of oneself. The space at home, the strength and attention of the mother, and often also the father, grandmother and nanny is occupied by the firstborn. A woman has little or no time for herself. After all, children have a gaseous property - they occupy the entire amount of attention provided to them. So the first child can require endless care.
Attention to the second pregnancy requires a lot of effort
It seems to you that you have absolutely no time to do gymnastics for pregnant women, squeeze your juice, go to the pool or relax once again - but the one who sits inside you is also a person. And taking care of yourself during pregnancy, in fact, you are taking care of the unborn child, his health and the stability of his psyche.
In addition, by setting aside time for your needs and specifically pregnant activities, you gently, gradually prepare yourself, the child and loved ones for the adoption of a new family member.
After all, it will take time, and a lot of it. The months of pregnancy are a good opportunity for all family members to “move over” and free up psychological space for the new one. And you need to do this by unloading a pregnant mother. Giving her every day for an hour or two to be not the mistress of the house, not a mother in the performance of all duties, but simply pregnant.
And a woman needs to learn to plan her day, her week so that she has free time, not busy with any business. You can’t save on this time, but you can devote it to gymnastics, a walk alone and thoughts about a child, a relaxing bath.
A day during which you are only tired and did not take care of yourself in any way can be considered not entirely successful.
Do not try to reproduce idleness and freedom from household chores during the first pregnancy - you will not have that amount of free time even with the most perfect organization of the day. But in the evening, when you put everyone to bed and redo things (but only the most necessary), try to leave a piece of strength and devote at least half an hour to immersing yourself in your pregnancy.
Mom during pregnancy should not be afraid to show weakness, helplessness and take care of all family members, and especially from the husband and child. Often in those cases when it is the mother who initiates the increase in the family, or if a new pregnancy causes opposition from her neighbors, a woman has a desire to prove to everyone that she is coping with the situation and everything is absolutely normal. And because of this, the pregnant woman takes on more responsibilities and housework than she can deal with without overexertion. This is completely unnecessary and can lead to an overexpenditure of the forces that will be so useful to you after childbirth.Careful attitude towards yourself from loved ones during the second pregnancy should be gently “provoked”.
Do not try to do everything and cope with all the duties and affairs on the "solid five". It will be useful for your neighbors to understand that not only a pregnant wife and mother can take care of everyone, but she herself is a creature in need of attention, support and reverent attitude.
Renaissance in marriage
It is necessary to be well aware that the imminent birth of a second child is not only a great joy, but also a significant new burden on the marital subsystem of the family organism.Not so long ago, the process of adaptation of spouses to each other was completed, an agreement arose on the division of roles and distribution of responsibilities in the family. The matrimonial dyad has turned into a triad "father-mother-child". All these tasks are not easy to deal with. And the imminent birth of another family member is a new task, a new height that the couple will have to take.
The second pregnancy can and should be taken as a time of respite. The period when one baby has grown up and the other has not yet been born should be used to strengthen relationships between you adults. DO NOT try to give your first child everything you can during the months of pregnancy. He got more than he needed anyway. But husbands are often abandoned. The wife learns a new profession of motherhood, becomes an expert on all issues related to education, development, treatment, and education. And the husband is left with crumbs, leftovers.
During the second pregnancy, you need to try to detect and compensate for the lack of attention and care in relation to your husband. Because then again it will not be up to him. Babies powerfully switch virtually all of a woman's attention to themselves.
But while you are still pregnant, let your husband feel that you care about him. What is loved and cared for in your family is not only about children. Then he will become your ally and assistant, and not an offended workaholic. Be sure to set aside at least one evening a week for a trip as a couple to a visit, a movie or a cafe.
And it will be useful for the elder to see that the parents can go somewhere together, without him. That they are not only father and mother, but also husband and wife.
Inadequate attitude of relatives to the addition
In a family that has raised only one child, there is an idea that more than one is already a lot and is not needed. And although this is a disaster for demographics, and the state spends a lot of money to increase the birth rate, grandparents with one child are often unshakable: you already have one good child, why do you need a second one?Children will be jealous of each other, fight and quarrel.
Such words may also sound: do the second yourself, we will not be able to love him the same way as the first.
During pregnancy, such conversations can greatly spoil the mood. Remember that usually when the second baby is born and grows up a little, grandparents accept him and love him no less. Moreover, there are psychologists' observations that one of the grandparent families "appropriates" one of the children, and the other - the second. Most often this is due to external similarity, or the similarity of abilities and talents.
And a sharp reaction to the news of a new pregnancy and grandparents is associated with one of the laws of family dynamics: a multigenerational family can react problematic to the news of the imminent birth of children if there should be more children than the parents had in the family.
Parents who have raised two children may find it difficult to accept the birth of a third child in the family of a son or daughter.
If the reaction of the previous generation upsets you, try to spend as little nervous energy on it as possible, and most importantly, do not try to convince. Life will take its toll, and as soon as your youngest achieves the first achievements, grandparents, who didn’t even want to hear about him, will proudly show their friends photos of the baby and say: “Look what a grandson we have!”
Another potential danger coming from relatives may be the desire to help with the elder more than required. Combat-ready grandmothers can tune in to take the elder to her or under her wing. In my practice, a few years ago there was a glaring case when a loving grandmother said to her grandson: “here, a baby will be born to your mother, she will no longer need you. Well, nothing, you have me, I will not leave you. Only you don’t let the little one into your room, otherwise he will take it all. In these words, everything is the opposite of what the child needs to hear during the second pregnancy of the mother.
Expecting a second baby, you do not need to invest in your own head, much less in the head of a child, that a mother may not be able to cope with two; that mom can’t do something, she can’t cope with something.
Pregnant women may fear the repetition of negative family scenarios between their children. And these thoughts can also poison the waiting time for the second child, paralyzing the mother’s will to make the right changes. It is not uncommon to think of this kind: “I was the youngest child and I was loved less. My poor second - I will try to give him as much as possible so that only this does not happen again. Do not wind yourself up, thinking that this dislike between the brothers will definitely happen again in our family.From a pregnant mother, a child needs to hear: “ Can you imagine, we have a dad, a grandmother, a grandfather, a cat, and now there will also be a baby". Let the elder perceive the upcoming birth of a baby as an addition to the household.
Both options are not correct, as they predict distortions in relationships.
In the first case, a pregnant woman can set herself and her husband up for a compensatory, too strong version of love. All life scenarios, built on the principle of "on the contrary" are too rigid and fraught with distortions. In our example, the youngest child is at risk of being loved and coddled, and the parents' attitude towards him will be anxious and overprotective.
You should not think that you will definitely inherit the problematic relationships between children that existed in your family, or in your husband's family. There is no predestination in how the relationship between brothers and sisters develops, but a lot depends on the behavior and words of the parents, in particular during pregnancy.
Anxiety of a pregnant mother: “Am I doing the right thing?”
Bearing your older brother or sister, you are doing the right thing. After all, you are preparing to give birth to a loved one for your first child, a person with whom he will live, helping each other. Many women worry that they will not be able to love their second child - because they love the first as much as possible.Parental love is a tricky thing.
Its volume and quantity is not divided, but multiplied after the birth of the next baby. It is difficult to imagine in advance, because while there is no child - and there seems to be no place in the soul and heart for him - everything is occupied by the elder.
But then a person was born and your heart expanded just enough to fit a huge love for the second. It can be of a completely different quality - parents love different children in different ways, but it is no less. You can't imagine all this right now. No man - no love for him. But then he appears, and you can no longer imagine your life without him. Remember, it was the same with the elder.
No wonder they say about parents with children "how rich you are." Because with the birth of each child, the soul becomes wider and more capable of love and acceptance.
This does not happen immediately at the hour of birth, but in the first weeks of the life of the second.
During pregnancy, it would be nice to completely relax and not torment yourself with thoughts about where the love for a new child will come from. At the level of physiology, these processes also have an explanation: the child, passing through the birth canal of the mother, “turns on” certain centers of the brain responsible for maternal behavior, and the catecholamine hormones that entered the blood in the first hours after birth will completely switch all the “settings” of the mother’s body to a new one. baby.
And it will seem to you that the only possible beautiful child of normal color, weight and size is now lying at your breast.
But the elder is a huge white elephant.
So if there's anyone to worry about, it's the elder.It is worth trying so that all maternal love does not migrate to the baby.
Pregnancy and older child:Older children, firstborns, often become the idols of all adults in the family. Several generations of relatives think only about how to please the long-awaited grandson or nephew. And it cannot be said that such an attitude would benefit the child - there are much more terry egocentrics among the only children. Remove the firstborn from the throne in advance, because pregnancy is a long time. for which you can change a lot in family life.
A change in the style of raising a firstborn should occur while the mother is still pregnant, then it will be easier for him to accept a brother or sister. Do not overcome the mobility changes of the last months of pregnancy: they prepare the older child for the fact that the mother can not immediately satisfy all his desires, and does not support some ideas (like extreme climbing) at all and is not going to participate in them.
By the end of pregnancy, the older child's behavior may change. The point here is partly that the pregnant mother is no longer the same - she doesn’t want to keep her on her knees for a long time, refuses to carry her in her arms, and if she doesn’t always refuse, then she often has an absent expression on her face, and her thoughts are clearly somewhere far away .
A child can become demanding and more capricious, ask for hands more often and require more care - and all this is exactly when a pregnant mother is so hard and does not want to make any extra movements. The fact is that children intuitively foresee that the time of their undivided dominion is ending. They feel that mom does not belong only to them. And since children cannot yet formulate their complex feelings in words, they change their behavior. After all, behavior is the language through which your child expresses his states. Learn to carefully read the behavior of the elder. All his oddities are a request for love, attention and care.
Do not try to hide or overcome the changes that occur during pregnancy in your attitude towards your future elder. What changes in you prepares him for even more changes that will occur after the birth of the baby. These are the right changes in the family system, since raising one child is much more difficult. But someone who has been growing up alone for a while needs time to get used to the change in status. And during this period, you should not transfer the older child to someone else's hands, on the contrary, these months should be used to independently, with your own hands, make your first-born really the eldest, that is, accustom him to household independence, elementary help around the house.
The elder needs to be explained that mom needs rest, and even extra sleep. And he should not interfere with her at this time. Remember Blaginina's poem "Mom is sleeping, she is tired". If the child is more than three and a half years old, he may well understand this kind of requirement.
“It’s hard for mom, the tummy doesn’t like it”- such words, calmly repeated by the mother, will help the elder to accept the natural limitations of mother's capabilities in the first months after the birth of the baby.
Intrauterine education and "technical support" of the second child
Usually, younger children are prepared for the situation in which they will find themselves after birth, by the very course of pregnancy. They are much less demanding and adapt more easily to the existing situation. The younger ones get used to taking into account the needs of their older brother or sister while sitting in the stomach.
With the elder mother, she took care of herself very much, trying not to make sudden movements and not to lift heavy things. But in the second pregnancy, especially if the children are born with a small difference, it is virtually unrealistic to observe such a sparing regimen. No matter how hard you try to feel sorry for yourself, the elder will still climb into his arms, want to communicate with the baby in his stomach and try to give him a pacifier. Not needed.
If you're feeling exhausted or stressed out, there's only one consolation: the baby, still in utero, is preparing for what it's like to be a little brother or sister. It is believed that after birth, younger children recognize the voice of the elder. In addition, if you start living in a baby mode in the last weeks of pregnancy, that is, go to bed early and sleep during the day, then there is a chance that after the birth your second child will easily join the older one's schedule. After all, biorhythms are laid in the last weeks before childbirth.
Regarding the possibility of love for a second pregnant mother, it is best to calm down. But the device of life is better to think over and change in a new way during pregnancy.
It is worth taking care of the little things in family logistics - for example, how to organize a baby's sleep on the balcony, and how to build places in each room where you can put the baby for a while.
Tune in for a more spartan upbringing of the second.
After all, you will not be able, with all your desire, to devote all your time and attention to him, as was the case with the first. The best gift that a mother can give herself, her elder, and her baby too, is to try not to teach him to fall asleep with his breast in his mouth or in his arms. Researchers believe that babies who fall asleep on their own have longer, more uninterrupted sleep.
Just remember how long it took you to put your elder to bed when he was a baby and imagine how much time you will have to devote to this now, and what your elder will do at that time.
So, expecting a second baby, try to correct the distortions in your family life. It is important that the most important thing not only in words is your husband, and you have the time and energy to communicate with him. Remember that you are not only mom and dad. The main thing is that you are husband and wife.
Spend your pregnancy weeks so that you don't feel embarrassed in front of your second child, and he doesn't feel left out from the very beginning. If the husband is not connected to the care of his wife during the second pregnancy, he may not be so actively involved in the child after childbirth. If the time before the birth passes in the shadow of the problems of the older child, it can be difficult for the father to switch to caring for the baby even after the birth.
Think back to being pregnant with your first child - and become a pregnant couple again, that is, loving spouses who are preparing together for the most important event in the life of the family. May your love multiply as your family grows. Children should unite spouses, not divide them.
You should at least try to save time and energy and without a doubt spend it on yourself, your health, peace of mind. Learn to please yourself and allow yourself indulgences. If you yourself do not take care of yourself and the future baby, it will be difficult for your loved ones to do so.
Cut the "attention ration" for the first child. From this he will only benefit later.
Do not poison yourself with useless thoughts and doubts - two children are much better than one. Your firstborn will have a playable couple, and the family system will be balanced.
Burmistrova Ekaterina, psychologist, mother of many children
Psychologist's answer:
Hello Irina!
In your situation, first of all, it is necessary to think about children no matter what! Are you asking what to do? Do you want advice on how to get your husband back or advice on how to miraculously change his attitude to life and make him responsible for children, for your family? One piece of advice will not fundamentally change the situation. But we will try to figure out how you relate to what you cannot change yet.
Firstly, have you ever heard from your husband that he doesn’t give a damn about you and the children, or is this your interpretation? I understand that it is necessary to judge by actions, but you know that your husband left his son in another family. That is, this is not the kind of person who will be stopped by the presence of children. As far as I understand from your description, he is an alpha male (rushes into hot spots, is not able to engage in monotonous activities), who has not found his place in life professionally, feels his potential, but does not know how to realize it.
Secondly, you are probably a strong woman and make decisions on your own, knowing what and how to do so that the family does not die of hunger. But if your husband knew that you would be lost without him with the children, perhaps he would feel his responsibility for the family. And so he already knows that you can leave you with a baby and you will take him again, now he has left you pregnant and is sure that you will not get away from him with children, take him back. There is only one question: “Why do you need such happiness?” You do not write anything about feelings, and families cannot be strong on the “necessity” alone. If your husband came from a hot spot with a disability and you were in a “position” like now, what would change, what would YOU do? It seems to me that you are most concerned about his unworthy behavior towards you and the children, and not the very fact that you feel your helplessness and the hopelessness of the situation. And this means that you need to understand: “You are not bad for him, but he is the way he is, and he himself will not change, unless you can convince him that you need to go to a family psychologist and clarify there how much family is dear to both of you (are both ready to work on themselves and learn to accept and understand each other) and what can be done to save it.” I am writing this because I am sure that he will definitely return home, but only if YOU leave him alone. Do not call anyone from mutual acquaintances, do not try to find out through them where he is and what he does. Imagine that it is no longer there. Think about how you organize your life based on the fact that you are pregnant and there will be no support from your husband. Who can help you? If no one, then look for ways to make money on the Internet, in addition to the traditional one, so that after the birth of the baby YOU can work remotely. In any case (whether he returns or not) you will feel more secure. Unfortunately, not everything in life turns out the way we picture in our imagination, and your husband is your choice, so respect your choice, otherwise, how can you respect yourself? If you are able to admit your mistake in choosing a husband, then you don’t need to save your family, everything will be in vain. You need to rely only on yourself. If you do not engage in self-flagellation, but simply do what you must do in relation to your children, to your life, to your own self-realization, then you will become wiser and will definitely be happy, be honest with yourself, with your feelings. That is, I urge you to listen to your heart. The head sometimes interferes with making the right choice.
Do breathing exercises. The child should not suffer, because it is not his fault that the parents cannot understand each other. Just take deep and slow breaths, expanding your belly, and then slowly exhale (the exhalation is longer than the inhalation, if the inhale is at a count of 7, then the exhale is at a count of 10.) This is very calming and relaxing. Of course, if there is no threat of pregnancy. Otherwise, consult your doctor.
I wish you success and do not despair, everything will be fine with you, no matter what choice you make, because YOU are MOTHER IRINA!
