5 Sep 1 3345

Julia Goryacheva: At 33, I realized that I did not love my mother. That I would like to give her up, delete her from my life… or I would like to change her (no matter how absurd it sounds) to a friendly, smiling, calm, soft, kind, understanding and, most importantly, accepting woman. Communication with her in recent years brings me nothing but negative emotions and, as a result, spent and unrecovered nerves.

No, not an alcoholic, not a drug addict, not a promiscuous woman. On the contrary, it is very correct, one might even say exemplary. In every way. Or rather, he wants to appear like that. And I already got these double standards!

Let's start with the fact that my mother loved to repeat all her life how she loves children, how she understands them, and how she knows how to find a common language with them. Only she gave me to be raised by her parents, after parting with my father. And then, many years later, she told me that she actually wanted to have an abortion with me, because her relationship with her dad was already on the verge, but then she decided: “Yes, that I won’t raise a child!” and gave me life ... so that later I could run away with my father and throw me away to be raised by my grandparents in another city, supposedly it was impossible to live in a hostel with children.

And I lived without my mother from one and a half to five years. She likes to repeat that she came to me every weekend, but for some reason I don’t remember her. Now, at the age of 33, already having my own three children, I am struck by the thought that in my childhood I do not remember the Main Figure of my life. I remember her sister, who came every summer, but I don’t remember her mother. Or rather, I remember one day when my grandparents told me that my mother would come today. And I was waiting for her, so waiting! But she didn't come. Probably since then I don’t remember her ...

After parting with my father, my mother deprived me of the opportunity to meet and communicate with him. She said unpleasant things about him, like he could kidnap me, urged me not to go anywhere with him when he came to my kindergarten. As a result, when he came to visit me in the 1st grade, I ran away from him, following my mother's precepts. He didn't come again.

Together with my mother, I lived my school and student years.

She was never gentle and affectionate with me and never hugged me, arguing that life is a complicated thing and she does not want to grow a nurse out of me. In general, she raised me in such a way that I was afraid of her. I was afraid to disobey, I was afraid to object, I was even afraid to confess to her when I was pawed by an English teacher, to whom she also attached me for private lessons.

My mother always loved helping her girlfriends solve relationship problems. She, a divorced woman, considered herself a guru in the relationship of a man and a woman. She always glued families, urging her friends not to get divorced under a hot hand. And only to me she liked to repeat: “Divorce your husband!” If I complained to her in my hearts about him. The apotheosis was when she called her husband's cell phone last year and also suggested that he divorce me after our skirmish. Since then, I have not told her anything, no matter what difficulties in the relationship I have.

And she also loves to brag in public about what wonderful grandchildren she has. Now there are already three of them. And I'm expecting my fourth child. But the last two might not have been - listen to my mother and do sterilization after the second child. She decided that I had enough children, that the weather, born through a caesarean section, was too hard for me. She even convinced me before the birth of my second child to agree with the doctor about sterilization. Thanks to my doctor, she said, “No way. Then you will want a boy and you will run after me with a knife. Then I really gave birth to a boy, and myself, at home, feeling the birth the way it was intended by nature. By the way, this is to the question of how much mother loves children ....

Also to the question of mother's love for children - mother's psychosis about my prolonged breastfeeding of my son. Mom probably considers herself an expert in breastfeeding. She stopped breastfeeding me when I was a month old, simply because the children's clinic told her that I was not gaining weight well because she had low-fat milk. Now she is sure that guards after a year does not give anything good to the child. Since I fed my daughters for up to a year, there were no conflicts. They started when my mother saw me feeding my son at the age of one year and 2 months. She is an expert, she knows that after a year there is nothing useful for a child in milk, and with this worthless feeding I only want to tie my son to me more when I “shove a boob into his mouth.” How many unkind looks and caustic remarks were directed at me when I fed my son with her. In the end, I couldn't take it.

I rarely explode, but here I already got it! The person who fed for a month will still teach me how much I should feed my child! I was indignant, and immediately learned a lot about myself. She said things that were very offensive to me: that I am a nervous mother, that I do not look after children well, that I am nothing of myself, that I am a bad daughter ... When I asked in tears of despair, “Mom, well, there is something in me anything good?" She angrily hissed "No!" It was very painful to hear and it became a turning point in our relationship with her. And literally an hour before that, she told the guests what wonderful parents my husband and I had raised such children. Those double standards again!

For my mother, I represent value only as a being capable of benefiting society. When I studied, spoke at conferences, wrote articles, led an active lifestyle, had numerous hobbies, changed jobs - my mother was proud of me. Then I, in my mother's understanding, lived. In the last 6 years, my life has stopped, as I have been giving birth and raising children all this time. With each child, mother liked to repeat: “It’s time to do something, you stayed at home.”

And for some reason, it doesn’t matter at all that as a result of my 6-year stay at home, my children are healthy (lack of vaccinations, hardening), active (walks in the fresh air in large numbers), creative (attending circles), cheerful and sociable ( there is a lot of time for games in their life, and the game for me is the most important thing that should be in a child’s childhood). The third child, born at home, generally has excellent health and is developing well.

No, for mom, something else is important. It turns out that I am a bad housewife (I cook porridge not in the way she thinks is right and don’t clean the apartment in a timely manner), a bad mother (I yell at the children) and a bad wife (I talk with my husband in raised tones and sometimes (oh horror!) I swear with him with children). Mom likes to emphasize that she never quarrels with her husband (she has a second marriage, got married at 47). Only I somehow became an unwitting witness to how she yelled at her husband. One illusion crumbled. And then, after all, I used to think: “Yeah, my mother doesn’t swear with her husband, so she lives right, I swear, so I live wrong.” And only recently I realized that everyone swears. It's only my mom who wants to look better than she is. Oh, how she feels sorry for our children when we swear. Previously, such phrases of hers drove me into a wild sense of guilt in front of the children. And only recently I realized that it’s better to let the children live in a full-fledged family where anything can happen than the way I spent my childhood: mom and dad didn’t swear simply because they didn’t exist in my childhood. But my grandfather and grandmother, with whom I grew up, quarreled.

Another story is my relationship with my husband.

We have been together for almost 10 years and I consider it my achievement that I manage to maintain a relationship with him and save my family, partly despite this stupid statistics that the children of divorced parents will definitely get divorced. I love my husband and can't imagine another man next to me.

Sometimes it seems to me that my mother is depressing. It would be much more pleasant for her to repeat her script. I used to be foolish to tell her about my fights with my husband. And she was immediately inspired, started calling me, urging me to throw him to hell, pick up the children and move in with her (she is in another city). And there she will arrange my life. As one of my friends joked, “Your mom wants to be your husband.” Both sad and funny.

My mother especially “supported” me when my husband had a serious accident this year. Soft-boiled machine, sternum fracture, surgery. He miraculously survived. I went through a terrible period, realizing that he was on the verge of death. On the part of my mother: not a drop of sympathy, not an ounce of understanding, although at that time we were on the same territory. Moreover, she reproached my six-year-old daughter for being too naughty when she saw her father's wrecked car and decided that her father had died. To which I exploded: “A child has the right to express her emotions as she sees fit and there is nothing to shut her mouth.” It was one of those rare occasions when I dared to contradict my mother, which, of course, she did not like and she immediately scolded me as a girl.

This accident took my relationship with my husband to a new level. We realized how much we love and appreciate each other, and the result of this was the appearance of a child.

And, can you imagine, I, a 33-year-old woman, being legally married to a beloved man, a mother of three children, was afraid to tell my mother about this fourth child. As at one time I was afraid to say about the third. I'm completely out of the family scenario. It is not customary to give birth in our family. It is customary to have abortions. I am ashamed to admit that I wanted to have an abortion with this child. And the worst thing is that I wanted to have an abortion with each of my children. With the first, because it was not clear whether my future husband would marry me or not, and even at work they began to harass me when they found out about the pregnancy, with the second, because I was horrified by the upbringing of the weather, and everyone around, including my mother, kept saying : “Oh, how hard it will be for you!”, With the third - because I just came to my senses from the weather and was about to go to work, with the fourth ... Lord (!), Is it because at one time my mother wanted to be with me get an abortion!? And all my children go through this meat grinder of terrible thoughts. What a pity that this information is driven into my head and I know about such a possibility of our valiant medicine. Here animals have no idea about abortions and give birth to everyone. And people….

Upon learning of the child, the mother was far from happy. And rather angry that I allow myself to do this! She has completely lost her mind, to give birth to so many in our time! My poor husband, I'm driving him into bondage with this fourth child.

Oh, mother, mother...

Having become a mother three times myself, I began to understand a lot. And how many illusions have disappeared over the past year! And only the bitter reality remained. I don't love my mother and I doubt if she loves me.

Comments of psychologists CONSENT.RU:

Olga Kaver, process and systems therapist, constellator: As much as we accept and respect our mother, we can find happiness, success, fullness of life. This thought of Bert Hellinger once touched me deeply. Then, when I could write something similar about the relationship with my mother. With a lot of advice, usually a mother strives to meet society's expectations of a good mother. In this way, the older generation express their concern, wedging their opinions into the lives of their children. This is their way of loving, often expressing their love in a different way, this generation of mothers does not know how.

After all, they had other ideals in Soviet times. The Soviet Union was often called the "country of the Soviets", so it was accepted - to control the life of their children, this was considered a good quality for parents. I remember from the course of training in systemic constellations the phrase: "Mother gave life, and that's enough." I thought, it’s true, life is a priceless gift to us from our parents, and, first of all, from our mother, so priceless that no amount of money in the world can often redeem it from non-existence or death. And we all received this gift. From her parents, more from her mother, she made the decision to keep the child, gave her body, risked herself, being between life and death all the time of pregnancy and childbirth. It's true - we owe our mother's life. Compared to this, the personality of our mother seems to be a less important aspect: what she thinks, does, believes.

“Everything comes from childhood - all our traumas and problems” - this position of psychoanalysis has led to the fact that several generations of people have grown up blaming their parents for everything. As long as we blame our parents for our troubles, we have not grown up. An adult mature person takes full responsibility for the changes. And it separates the “essential mother” and the “personal mother”, and receives great love from the first, since it was this part of the mother that allowed us inside, raised and fed us, and the second simply accepts the way she is. When this separation and acceptance becomes a reality, a person becomes an adult.

What to do if you can not accept and share? It is enough to give life and resources for development, these resources include love. Otherwise, a mother is a separate person, walking her own Path through life, a Path different from her children. And this gives children the freedom to develop and choose their own path.

Anastasia Platonova, psychologist, psychotherapist: “Different mothers are needed, different mothers are important” ...

To live with dislike for the mother is a heavy burden that harms, first of all, ourselves. After all, any negative attitude towards another person gives us a charge of negativity, slows us down, does not allow us to move forward. And no matter how a person cherishes this disgusting feeling in himself, he always (!) wants to get rid of it, it weighs. Salvation comes with forgiveness and acceptance. This is a very very difficult process, physically and mentally. Often we are not ready to throw hatred for those who offended us out of our lives because it seems that we will become weaker, more vulnerable, forgiving and accepting. Hate is our defense, but at what cost?

Most of us have many complaints about our parents. But all claims can be expressed in a single phrase: "She \ He \ They loved \ do not love me the way I want." Yes Yes! They all, without a single exception, love. True, love, it is sometimes expressed in very perverted ways. And if we are ready, well, or try, to accept the love of our child in any form (even if it’s “mom - you’re bad!”), Then we knowingly demand from parents exactly the kind of love that we need exactly at that moment when we need it, etc. and so on. Who said parents can? After all, we do not demand from the right-hander the ideal writing of the text with the left hand? Why are we so sure that parents must be able to love?

It is important to allow at least the thought that mother did or tried to do everything she could ... Why allow this thought? In order to find peace, to be able to build your life not against the will of someone, but simply the way you want, in order to raise children, realizing that you are giving them the goodness that is inside, so that there is no black in your heart a hole that, like the Bermuda Triangle, sucks strength into nowhere.

To forgive and accept does not mean at all to allow the influence of your parents on your life, on the contrary, it means to free yourself, to untie the shackles that are pulling you back. To accept means to learn to breathe deeply, to learn to focus on yourself and your desires, without looking back at anyone. And to accept a parent always means also to make friends with that part of oneself, with which it was not possible to agree in any way before.

Olga Kolyada,practical psychologist, teacher of the training center "Ladya": Over and over again I read and listen to the confessions of adult women at trainings about difficult feelings for mothers ... It is sad, pitiful in its own way, both mother and daughter. I have nothing to say to aging mothers - they have already given, or not given, everything they could. And now they receive the corresponding "feedback" - a difficult and joyless relationship with adult daughters, or even a loss of relationships.

But I want to say to my daughters - dear, you have the right to ALL your feelings towards your mother! Everything that is. And it's not your fault - it's your misfortune if among these feelings there is no or almost no love left. Initially, the child always comes with love for the mother, it cannot be otherwise. And then the mother can perform actions (of varying degrees of awareness and for various reasons) of such severity and pain that they partially or completely block this love on your part. And how can you be to blame for this? Then - why are you embarrassed to admit calmly - yes, I don’t love my mother, maybe even hate it? Because “you can’t have such thoughts!”? It's like - there are feelings, but you can't have thoughts? Who said it? Mother?…

The paradox is that it is worth calmly allowing yourself to confess the most "bad" feelings for your mother, as the attitude towards her immediately begins to lose "degree"! Accepting what is, it is easier to build communication with her (if any) based on this given, and not on the basis of "how good daughters should be." If there is no communication, you begin to worry less because of its absence. And there are also gifts - by allowing yourself to feel all the negative feelings, you are freed from some of them, and deep under them you discover Love, which has not really gone anywhere, it just had no place on the surface before ...

Question to the psychologist:

The fact is that I do not feel and do not see love and understanding for me from my mother.

Since, I always call her with the hope that I will receive support and understanding from her, kind words, but in response I hear only NOT kind words. Whatever happens there, whatever happens there, in her opinion, I am always bad. Not once did she intercede for me, for example, in a quarrel or dispute with her older sister. The older sister is from 1984 and I am from 1991. She is a leader, I always listen to her, but she reaches the limit, she begins to become impudent, I endure all this and keep silent. She always provokes me into a conflict, and if I defend myself a little, God forbid, if I defend myself, that's all, for my mother I am an egoist. Even when I am silent, I endure, they don’t see it and don’t appreciate it, in the end they just bring me to tears, I enter into myself, I’m looking for support on the side, since there is no support in the family, I have to look for it on the side, not everyone understands, and Therefore, I turn to a psychologist. It is very difficult to endure and silently listen to their insult in your address out of the blue. Also, my sister manipulates all my relatives, sets everyone up against me, as a result, no one talks to me, if I speak, they begin to put pressure, run into, insult again. I myself am a disabled person of the 2nd group, and I try not to be nervous so as not to harm my health. Sometimes it seems that it would be better for me to die than to endure all this, but then I think that God loves me, and He tests me through such people, through such a family. But, it’s hard, sometimes you want to run away, you don’t see anyone, don’t answer calls, leave them all, they still don’t need me. Since there are no warm words from anyone, attention, support, love. Many people receive support and love from their mother, from family, from relatives, it’s just the opposite for me, I myself am looking for people who understand me on the side, it’s very hard. But, nevertheless, I manage to find it, and it becomes a little easier for me. But every time I talk to my mother or my older sister, who has written on the corner since childhood, how she hates me. In front of strangers, he talks to me very nicely, and when alone, he finds any reason to insult me, offend me to the fullest, bring me to tears. At the same time, she keeps the Fast in the month of Ramadan, and she still behaves this way, the feeling is that this is for the purpose of being invited to visit, show more respect, and so on. Although God will condemn it, and yet, it is very hard for me. How to get out of such a morally difficult situation.

The psychologist Evgenia Vasilievna Varaksina answers the question.

Hello Saltanat!

The family is a wonderful and interesting thing. We are born in it as children and in it we become adults. How is the position of an adult different from the position of a child? The child needs to receive: food, care, love and care from parents. Otherwise, he simply will not survive.

What is the adult position? This is the position of giving love, attention, care, material support.

You are 25 years old, and only you can decide which position you choose. You can continue to feel sorry for yourself (including because of the state of your health), wait and demand care and love, or start giving it to people yourself. I wrote to you directly, without embellishment. Why? Believe me, I know what it means to feel sorry for yourself and make claims to the world (this happened when my father died). This path leads only to the destruction of oneself and one's health, and this is too high a price. We are born to be happy, not to be offended.

And if you still decide to choose the position of an adult in the family :) how to start realizing it?

First, start watching. The child is always "in the game", he is included in the situation and does not see it from the outside. If, for example, a child plays a board game, he wants to win with all his might, all emotions are included in the game. How does an adult behave? He watches the game, the child, and wants not so much to win the board game (for his own benefit) as to please the child (for the benefit of another). Do you understand what I mean? You are now completely in the game, with all your strength and emotions you want to win (to prove that your sister is wrong, that she is selfish, that her mother supports her in vain). Exit the game. Watch your family members from the sidelines like actors on a stage. Where they are being selfish, say within yourself, "It's too bad they haven't learned this yet." Learn from their mistakes and treat people differently. Watch from the sidelines. Stop playing one performance with them, you have your own life and you were born to learn how to be happy in this life.

The position of an adult assumes giving and giving. Do not expect something from loved ones, start taking care of yourself, paying attention to them and other people, supporting them. All people, regardless of their financial situation, are spiritually rich or poor. The poor require attention, care, love, the rich give it to others themselves. Start doing creativity (music, painting, dancing, photography, embroidery - whatever you are interested in) and share this creativity with other people (via social networks or in person, with family and friends or just with those who have similar interests).

An adult person has decided on his values ​​and faith. If you believe in God, imagine every day that you are his beloved child. The family cannot always give us protection and love, but God can always give them. Curl up in bed in the morning before you get up, like a baby in a mother's belly, and think "I am God's favorite child. I came into this world because God loves me. In this life, he gives me everything I need." NEEDED FOR DEVELOPMENT." Feel protected and loved and get up filled with this love and share it with people. Learn not to criticize and reproach, but to care, and if you can’t find a common language with someone at all, step aside and observe.

Dear adult girls, have you ever thought about how you feel about your mothers and what words you say to them? Here I am, a mother who loved her daughter immensely, spoiled, kissed, took all the affairs on herself and what did she get? Now I also continue to clean, wash, cook, and not only for an adult daughter who knows only her job, but also for granddaughter. I can't live without my girls! But it's all my fault, no matter what happens. From my daughter, I do not hear affectionate words, but only orders. My granddaughter communicates well with me when my mother is not at home. But if my mother is at home, she begins to say bad words to me, push me, beat me (she is still small), apparently to please her mother. Naturally, my mother immediately blames me , which means I myself said something wrong and did it to the child. And all this in the presence of a girl! He is raising a chameleon, which will adapt to the circumstances. It is very insulting and hard to live like this. At the same time, I have heard from my daughter more than once that I am needed while the granddaughter is small, and then "you will live alone in old age." Yes, and not only I heard this ... Of course, after this I am no longer an angel either, I can say something in response. We tried to figure out the relationship with our daughter once and for all, to leave everything bad in the past, but, unfortunately, nothing happens .... That's how we live.

My mother is completely inadequate. Sometimes I think that she has something wrong with her head. Sometimes she harasses simply because she was bored. He has fun humiliating his daughter. God forbid this happens to your daughter. She herself is useless and unfulfilled. Even I don't need it now since I realized that she never loved me.

No. It's impossible to forgive. My awareness of dislike came at the age of 26. Until this year of my life, I forgave her everything. At 26, something happened in my life. And she turned away. The closest person took and turned away from me when help was needed. Then I realized that I didn’t need it at all in her life. And unloved in general. My brother has always been a favorite. Right now I'm 35 years old. I'm very angry at her. For all. We live in different cities. I call her for a mark every 2 months. And hearing how much she loves me and misses me very much, that it would be nice to be there (and she was more than once - everything was as usual - humiliation insults), I just grin at these words to her. I don’t smile and I’m glad that she loves me, but I grin.
Because now I don't believe. For me, these are empty words. And yes, I need to prove love by deeds, not by words about it. I even forbid my husband to just tell me that he loves me! Like this! Well, what are you ready to forgive and believe, many years after the REALIZATION of dislike, that your mommy, it turns out, loved you all her life and did it for your own good ?! Hardly.

But what if the mother still does not accept. I am 43g insults, humiliation, constant insults and claims, how much money you don’t give, whatever you do, everything is small and bad. I don’t love anymore, but I can’t stop communicating - my mother has grown old and her relationship with everyone is ruined. I call, I go, I apologize, another heavy “slap in the face”, after that I shout a small child, my husband, and so on in an endless circle.

no need to ask for forgiveness if you are not guilty .. asking for forgiveness from a mother who does not love you means giving her a sense of power over you. Don't apologize without guilt.. don't

Difficult topic. I know how many unloved daughters there are in the world. Many friends shared with me. I myself am in the same position. Childhood years, when the father was in the family, are excluded. Then he went to a younger and more attractive one. Finally accusing my mother of cheating. It doesn't matter if they were or not. But I, the fat daughter, had to pay for the insult. If she had not given birth to me, then her husband would not have left. She considers herself the best. The culprit of the gap in her eyes was me, an eleven-year-old girl. The attitude towards me immediately changed. Constant screams, insults with abusive words, everything is not like that - I stand, walk, hold my hands, look ... Every day, swearing and even beatings. Over time, this attitude changed to a constant demand for money, leveling my successes and constant slander to others. It was necessary to maintain the image of the "enemy" in the family. Making excuses in front of everyone is a waste of time.
Despite the difficulties, I think that in life I took place. True, I had to turn to a psychologist. Caring for a mother of 11 (eleven) years after strokes. I try to forgive, but I can't. With age I realized its cruelty. And a person, despite illness and helplessness, does not change. Claims and swearing have not gone anywhere

My mother loved only my brother, and I am the eldest "somehow." The demand from me was different, they brought me up with a “whip”. Now I am 37. I am a successful, wealthy woman, my brother, 30 years old, is a helpless man with an undeveloped life. I forgave my mother a long time ago. I love her very much and am grateful that I have her - alive and healthy. But I am not affectionate at all, I understand this and cannot remake myself, it is imbued in me. Dear mothers, love your children, but in moderation.

My mother, too, when I was small, was constantly dissatisfied with me, was constantly furious if I did everything the way I wanted ... Many years later, I understood why she behaved this way, because as a child she could not even say her opinion, because she always did what her older sisters and brothers told her and she did not dare to disobey.
And as for the fact that this may be reflected in the future, I believe that it depends on the person himself, because everyone builds his own life, he is the master of his life. We must forgive and let go, because it is not in vain that they say that the humpbacked grave will fix it. And most importantly, stop blaming, you need to live in the present.
Now, I have a great relationship with my mom. I forgave her because I understood why this attitude was towards me.

My mother loved only her older sister. She closed me and went for a walk with her sister. When I learned to walk, I found a jar of kerosene from thirst and drank it. Always, all my life I wanted her to love me. As a child, I brought her any yummy. This is a trauma for life. The sister is selfish, beloved. The most annoying thing is that I often heard from her that she and her sister crawled under the train, and I stayed on the other side, the train started moving. Mom said that if I climbed after them, I would be cut. protected me. When she died, I helped wash her and told her - I FORGIVE YOU.

I support Miroslava - this always remains: “you didn’t deserve it”, “you are the worst, others have children, and why are you like this to me” - and then there are a lot of words, what, I just don’t want to repeat ... And you always prove, you deserve ... She to I understood old age, but only I was almost old by that time, and it’s no longer necessary. It just keeps hurting. Mom, Mom, where have you been all my life ...

Everything is said correctly. Mom's dislike is a curse that haunts you all your life. And it's not about self-realization in professional activities, but about finding your love. When, even realizing that love is a given, you still try to deserve it. Because you can’t do otherwise, because you have been told all your life that you are not loved for this, this and that. From childhood you were taught to deserve love and not someone there, but the person whose love is taken for granted, a given, not a merit. Problems in personal life are a consequence of mother's dislike. And this is natural, because if the most dear person does not love you - mom, then who will love you at all? ..

I appeal to adults, unloved and unhappy daughters! Or maybe you need to ask yourself a question: “How capable am I of giving warmth and love to a mother? Do I overestimate the requirements for her? ”After all, she is a simple woman, with her pluses and minuses, joys and problems, with a developed or not very ability to express her feelings. Who needs this picking in relations with the mother? With an emphasis on blaming her and selflessly reveling in the topic: “My mother doesn’t love me?” Try to build your wonderful relationship with your children. I think that you are sure that you can do it. What do they think of these relationships? Adult daughters! Be wise and truly mature!

All that is possible is to understand that the way you imagined an ideal family there = your personal idealization. Why do you insist on it, especially in adulthood?
After all, you have seen cases of such treatment, or drunkenness in the family, or when everything is everything for one child, and nothing for another!
Say: "It happens too! And I don't know how to do it alone!" Your idealization has collapsed (created by you), based on nothing. You see that reality does NOT match your expectations, but you insist on your own. WHY ???
They took note that this also happens, they said: “All people are different, I allow them to behave as they see fit or right, depending on their moral attitudes.”
As long as you rush about with your experiences like this, and also build internal dialogues with such people, it will be so.
They behaved like that, and what about you?
In any case, you will not solve the problem. However, you can forgive. How is it? Yes, just recognize the right of others to lead as they want.
We can say that we can set deadlines for correcting the situation. No? So no. Everything, there is nothing to discuss. You can't change anything else.

Yes, Zoritsa, of course, all people are different and have the right to behave as they see fit. But in this case, we are talking about the behavior of the mother - and after all, this behavior forms the personality of her child. And no matter how much later this grown child does auto-training, no matter how much he understands and forgives his mother, no matter how much he cultivates self-confidence - all the same, huge complexes from childhood, only driven deep and far away, will remain for life, breaking it . Therefore, of course, it is necessary to “let go” of all past grievances, but at the same time it is also necessary to realize that, by and large, nothing can be corrected. Under the condition of constant work on oneself, one can only more or less successfully pretend that “everything is fine, beautiful marquise” ...

And even as a child, I was able to say to myself: “It’s not me that’s bad, but you! ...” And I stopped paying attention to criticism from my mother ... let her talk! Otherwise I would just go crazy! She did what she considered necessary and did the right thing! Yes, what would happen to me if I listened to all the criticism addressed to me and took it to heart? I am now very mature, but even now, every time I meet my mother, she will “perform” something. And already as an adult, I often ask myself the question: “What did I do wrong as a child?” She studied well at school, graduated from the institute and got a profession, she was always in good standing at work ... What's wrong? Mystery of the human soul.

If I didn’t pay attention, I wouldn’t ask myself the question of what was done wrong? And what did he do wrong there, and for whom, everything is software. And so you just ASSURE yourself to yourself that everything is good with you, you don’t feel it, but you assure. You had everything, you have it, and, for sure, it will be fine, why is she still not happy with you and, finally, she won’t fall in love with you and rejoice with you in your successes?! Yes, what's wrong? Damn it!

As they say, the humpbacked grave will fix it. For all my actions, I hear only words of condemnation from my mother. And I'm 43 years old. I told her that I would no longer share and tell her nothing. Did not help. Therefore, I constantly argue with her, defending my point of view. Tired. I just try to communicate with her less often, take care of myself.

my mother never loved me, although I am an only child .. unfortunately I realized this late .. at the age of 35 .. actually I understood a long time ago, I took it for granted at 35 years old .. it is very difficult to understand that your mother does not love you .. who didn’t pass - WILL NOT understand .. at the moment I’m 48 and for every phrase my mother will always find a negative answer, up to insults, if she didn’t find other words .. besides, she is jealous of how I live and work so much that I don’t wishes my family prosperity .. she thinks that it is better, more beautiful and worthy of the life that I have .. when I buy myself (my husband or daughter) food, things or shoes - she criticizes everything .. but then I find a sweater or jacket hanging out of place or trousers with a stain.. she always tried to wear my shoes until I stopped buying shoes with low heels.. she can’t wear a hairpin.. when I cook food, she criticizes how I cook and does not eat.. but at night we caught her on the fact of eating from a frying pan .. sets her father against me and now he also does not eat the food I cooked .. by the way - we live with my parents and my husband realized that my mother does not love me, before me myself .. at first he was tactfully silent, but lately he has to protect me from the attacks of my own mother .. how can I let it go ??? how to forgive???

Mother. Two syllables, four letters. But how many songs, warm words and stories are in these letters. How much care or... suffering?

We used to think that motherhood is a kind of image that is inevitably associated with love and tenderness. The very word “mother” in the minds of many has become a kind of metaphor denoting care and affection. As it turns out, not everyone has such associations. You will be surprised, but we are not talking about children from dysfunctional families. We are talking about girls who had a completely normal childhood, a full family, went to a good school. But their childhood is normal in terms of meeting material needs, but not spiritual ones. Now we are talking about those daughters who were never loved by their mothers.

Unloved daughter - how is it?

The mother does not love her daughter - such a formulation hurts the ear. This is no accident. It seems that such a situation is unacceptable in the average family. As it turned out, not everything is so clear. Many daughters live in such conditions all their lives, being afraid to say out loud to anyone: “Mom never loved me.” They hide it: in childhood they make up stories, in adulthood they try to avoid the parental theme.

When a mother does not love her daughter, this affects the entire further development of the girl, her formation, her personality, fears and relationships with people.

As a rule, “dislike” is expressed in the absolute emotional detachment of the mother from the child and in the regular moral pressure on the child. Sometimes it can even be characterized as emotional abuse of a girl. How do such relationships manifest themselves?

A logical question: “Why does my mother not love me?”

Often mothers are totally indifferent to children. Yes, they can feed them, give them shelter and education. However, at the same time, the connection between the child and mother necessary for the little girl may be completely absent (this is precisely the model of relations when the daughter can calmly trust her mother and receive support from her, sincere empathy for children's or adolescent problems). But, as a rule, such indifference can be completely imperceptible from the outside.

For example, a mother publicly praises her daughter and boasts of her successes, only this praise is the usual hypocrisy. When the conditional “audience” disappears, the mother not only does not pay any attention to her daughter’s successes, but also constantly underestimates her self-esteem when communicating face-to-face. The unloved daughter becomes a victim who, from a very young age, perceives the world through the prism of maternal indifference or maternal cruelty.

Consider a very simple and at the same time life example. While one girl brings home a “four” in her diary, her mother can cheer her up, instilling in her daughter the hope that the next time the mark will definitely be higher. In another family, a similar situation may end in a scandal, saying “again I brought home four points, not five!”. There are also options when the mother, in principle, does not care how the child learns. Constant negativity, as well as regular indifference, leaves an indelible imprint on the future fate of the daughters and their own future families.

“Mom Never Loved Me”: The Unloved Daughter and Her Adult Life

“What if my mother doesn’t love me?” is a question many girls ask themselves too late. Often it comes to their minds already when the period of cohabitation with their parents is far behind. But it was he who shaped human thinking for many years.

As a result, already adult girls get a whole bunch of psychological problems based on previously received emotional trauma.

Once the question that arose in my head, “Why doesn’t my mother love me?” develops into the life position “No one loves me and has not loved me at all.”

Is it worth talking about the influence of such a worldview on relations with the opposite sex and with society as a whole? Maternal love not received in childhood leads unloved daughters to:

1. Lack of confidence in yourself and your abilities. Because of what, a girl or woman simply does not understand that she can be loved by someone.
2. Distrust of others. Can you be happy when you can't trust anyone
3. Inability to soberly assess their merits and competitiveness. This affects not only communication and a healthy life in society in general, but also careers and areas of interest in particular.
4. Perception of everything is too close to the heart. An extremely undesirable quality for any person who wants to achieve success in any life industry. The list can be continued for a long time.

What if my mom doesn't love me?

It is unlikely that the daughter can find a satisfying answer to the question why her mother does not love her. And she is looking for him in herself:

• “something is wrong with me”
• "I'm not good enough"
• "I'm disturbing my mother."

Of course, this approach will only lead to even greater immersion in problems and a decrease in self-esteem and self-confidence. But even having found the answer, it is difficult to radically change the situation. However, you can look at everything from the side.

Yes, parents, like the country, are not chosen. And you can't force love. But you can qualitatively change your own attitude to everything that happens in the family. If you are the same girl who has known all the “charms” of such an attitude on herself, you simply have to carefully work out the picture of the world that was created in your mind. It is worth understanding that not all people are friendly to you solely out of self-interest, and not everyone should be suspected of insincerity. It is not easy. Some cannot even accept the fact that they are valuable to someone. Perhaps, for a reassessment of values, it is worth asking for - this will certainly help to improve life and attitudes towards other people. The main thing to remember is that you yourself will become a mother. And a sincere manifestation of love for your own child is the best thing you can do for him.

Do not seek to please your mother, especially if, over the years of living with her, you have realized that any of your behavior is likely to be perceived indifferently at best, and at worst - with habitual criticism. Growing up without a mother's love is hard. But it is even more difficult to force yourself to change the pattern of your behavior. Even if your mother never loved you, she deserves respect for your upbringing, but not constant worries. Your task is to set yourself up to overcome ingrained scenarios and increase your own value in your eyes. Many unloved daughters were able to improve their lives by growing up. And you can, if you realize the root cause of your psychological problems. And it lies precisely in your question: “Why does my mother not love me?”.