– I myself am from Kazan, from a Muslim family. I was born here, grew up, studied here, and now I work. My grandparents regularly perform namaz, and my parents believe in Allah Almighty, but they have not read namaz since childhood. Four years ago I stood up for prayer and put on a headscarf. This was in 2014. Before going on maternity leave with her second daughter, from 2011 to 2018 she worked as a therapist in a hospital. I got married to my first husband, the father of my eldest daughter, before I came to Islam, after college, when I was 22 years old. Unfortunately, they didn't last long. I can’t say that this is a bad person, it happened, we couldn’t be together. They lived for about two or three years. They divorced when I was twenty-four. I met my second husband on a dating site. After the divorce, she remained single for quite a long time. To be honest, I didn't even think I'd get married again. And when she came to Islam, she decided to look for a potential husband among Muslims. But it never occurred to me that I would become a second wife. - What made you look for a husband on a dating site? - After the divorce, at first it seemed that I was very good alone. I thought - what is it, I don’t need a husband, I earn money myself. I registered not because I needed financial support, only because of the desire to find a comrade, friend, husband. I chose from Muslims, but non-Muslims were also offered to get acquainted. Since I wrote about myself that I am a doctor, of course, there were many people who wanted to get acquainted. Someone did not like that she was already married, someone - that there are children. To be honest, I registered on this site because of sports interest - I wanted to understand who, what kind of people there are in general. - There you need to indicate whether you want a monogamous or polygamous marriage. Which one did you choose? - I jokingly clicked "positive" in the paragraph about attitudes towards polygamous marriage. It was interesting what would happen. And there were a lot of offers to come as a second wife. And I was interested in how men come to the idea of ​​taking a second, third wife, what they can offer. It seemed a little wild at first. I thought - no, how is it, these men are very strange. To understand why men want to build a family with several wives, what they are looking for, you need to talk with them. Some who are not in Islam take upon themselves the sin and say that the second wife is just a mistress. This is fundamentally wrong. Because the relationship between a man and his mistress occurs only between them. A polygamous family is a whole system. Here you build relationships with your husband, his parents, his first wife, his children, relatives. And a man also builds relationships with his wife's children, if any, with her parents and relatives. You have to be mentally prepared for this. Only from the outside it seems that men act impulsively and emotionally. Allegedly, they see a woman and immediately think - I'll take her as my second wife. Maybe there are, I can't say. But such families quickly fall apart. But to take a second wife, live with her for many years and lead both families well - you need to be ready for this. He really must need it. Why? The Almighty created them so, men love women. They like to feel like sultans, they need constant attention. He thinks, "I can have families under my protection." Communicating with them on a dating site, I began to understand why they need a second wife. - And for what, do you think? - If men were guided only by animal instinct, various emotions, they would tell women: send photos, if you like it, we will meet, if not, then no. And men who take this issue seriously, first of all, ask: what do you expect from this family, what are your conditions? I have these conditions, do you accept them? That is, a man with serious intentions first takes a step towards creating this system. To build this system, you need both a reliable man and a reliable woman. While talking with them, I already felt that those who ask serious questions can be asked at the next stage why they take such a step. Allah created men polygamous. They love with their eyes. They can't be blamed for this. Why did the Almighty allow to take two, three, four wives? There are two main reasons. The first is that men and women should not commit adultery. The second reason is that in the time of our Prophet many men died in war, their wives and children were left without care. For example, what could they grow in the desert there? Then a woman could not rely on herself, as now: I will get a job as a cleaner, somehow I will provide myself. Widowed women were to be taken under guardianship. But as? Only through legal marriage. Therefore, at that time there were a lot of second, third, fourth wives. The remarriage of men was connected precisely with the solution of social issues. Since then, it has been going on as a Sunnah in this form. If a man has a woman he likes, a desire to take another wife, and also make this woman happy, the ability to provide materially - please, let him take it. - Communicating on the site, did you already know that he has a wife? - Yes. He told me everything that he has a wife and four children. To understand him, I kept asking questions. I asked about my wife and children. I tell you, at first I had a sports interest. There was no thought that I would marry this man as a second wife. Tell me, I say, maybe you have some kind of problem. When you start to communicate with a person, it becomes clear why he has such an intention. - What did he want? What do you think he didn't get in his first family? How old was he then? - He is now 36, I am 33. We have been together for three years. In fact, he is doing very well: everything that happens in the first family, he keeps to himself. This is right. Never complains. Intra-family problems remain in the family. He has a clear position that he is responsible for the children, that he will not leave them. He is a good father. I never asked him what he didn't like about his first wife. Asking such questions is stupid. A normal man will not tell the truth. By the time we met, they had already lived for 14 years. For 14 years, their family was formed, there were everyday problems. He told me: I need some kind of peace, tranquility. He solves problems all day, gets tired, and he needs a person with whom he can sit over a cup of tea, go to the park, talk, get to know a new person - he said so. He did not say that “there is no peace in the family, next to you I am looking for this peace”, but simply “a little tired”. Four children, family, work, running around, solving problems... Everyone has problems. Singles and families have them - everyone has them. Every day to earn money, to dress the children, to pay the rent, the car breaks down, it is necessary to collect the child for school… People marry for love, they promise to be a support for each other, but over time they forget a little. The romance wears off, and with the advent of problems, they begin to torment each other. Problems must be solved together. Attitude of parents - How did your parents perceive that you became a second wife? “I was already independent. She earned her own money, raised a child. She left the custody of her parents for a long time, so they somehow could not express their position harshly. Of course, they didn't really like it. They asked me to wait, to think: “Maybe it’s not necessary, you will meet again.” By that time, my husband and I had been talking for a long time. I offered to introduce them to each other. “Whether you like it or not, you can tell later,” she suggested to her parents. My dad, as a father, could ask directly: I give my daughter to you as a second wife, where will you support her, how will you provide? If the answers of the future son-in-law suit the father, then he agrees. My parents said, “OK. We liked it. Try it." Of course, deep down they wanted something else for me. They told me to think it through. - And how did the husband's parents react to their son's second wife? - His parents are religious, they were ready for this. Maybe they even found out before the first wife. He consulted with his mother, this is a good indicator. Does he have polygamy in his family? - My grandfather had such a family, that is, my husband's mother grew up in such a family. She told her son that it would be better if she took a wife with a child, because she would treat his children well. Life in a new family - Tell us how you met his first wife. - According to the condition set in advance, his wife and I met personally. First, they sat down together at home and discussed. He asked her permission to take a second wife. He started talking to her 10 years ago, saying that he would like to do this, preparing her. Now the wife said: "Well, take it." - "Here, I found it, let me introduce you?" Introduced. Of course, like all women, there is jealousy. I have it, and she has it, and all other women have it. And here's another question: will you leave this jealousy in yourself or will you start to scandal and put even more pressure on the man with hysteria? Jealousy is there, you can't get it anywhere. Allah created a woman like this. Only the Almighty told us to hide it. He told the men not to pay attention to women's jealousy. Allah didn't just say that. How old is the first wife? - She is now 34. - How did she receive you? - The first meeting was held in a warm atmosphere. We sat in a cafe and talked. Not on personal topics, we talked about general topics in order to get to know each other a little. But this is not a pleasant thing for her, it was evident ... She respects her husband, loves him. She works hard for him. - And how is she in relation to you? What did you feel? - As they say, "persuasion was read between the lines." As much as I would like to say, no. She doesn't seem to be complaining. But when she talked about their family, it seemed to be heard: “you don’t need ... you don’t need her.” She can't tell directly. I already understood then. Here you need to understand: it’s not a woman who goes - “take me as a second wife”, a man builds relationships. Therefore, she cannot show me her anger - so you came and broke our family. - Do you live separately? - Yes. Now it's not the Stone Age to live in the same house. There are opportunities. He lives with his first wife in a private house. I am in the apartment left to me by my parents. Justice in a family with two wives - According to Islam, a man must be fair in relation to both wives. He gave, for example, a bracelet, to one - he should give the same to another. Do you follow this rule? - According to Islam, there is a requirement that a husband should treat all his wives equally well. As for gifts, it's not so clear. Let's say I need winter shoes, he bought them for me. And the first wife has shoes, she doesn't need them. In this case, he does not have to buy her. That is, as needed. Clothing, food, accommodation - these are the three main points he must provide, observing justice for wives. And not so that one walks in winter shoes in winter, the other in autumn. It's the same with other gifts that the husband wants to make "for the soul" to please his wife. For example, one loves flowers, the other ice cream. It is not even the gift itself that is important here, but the fact that it pleases the wife, that is, if one brings joy to one, the other - another. - Do you have it? We can't see what's going on. He will not say - yesterday he gave flowers to his first wife, let me buy you today too. A true believer knows that he will have to answer to the Almighty. He controls it himself. What can we know? For example, now a husband and his first wife are resting abroad. Before going there, he asks my permission. He promises to take me later. There or in another place, also on vacation. So we discuss. And if he goes without my knowledge, this is already injustice. That is, he may not buy two tickets at once, but he must specifically speak. If we start paying attention to such little things as a bracelet, flowers, etc., this system collapses. Allah said in the Qur'an: You will never love your two wives equally. Your goal is that none of them should feel this. - Do you communicate with your first wife? - To be honest, two wives of one husband cannot be friends, close friends. Relations between us are like between relatives - we congratulate each other on holidays, we go to visit each other, we send gifts, we inquire about health, here is such a model. Our children must communicate, we must show children such an example. Sometimes we bring them to us, sometimes we go to visit them ourselves. Do you wash the dishes together, do you set the table? – When we all meet together, it is more convenient. Because we entertain more children. We go somewhere, feed them, everything is very good. We have fun, we laugh and we part. At this time, we have no personal relationship with his first wife. Suppose her daughter is ill. I tell her - bring me to me, I will find doctors, I will show. Relatives, after all, also ask for help in the same way. I show her daughter to the doctors, then I take her home myself. This is how it should be between two wives. We are not enemies to each other. Because if we perceive this as enmity, then we do not agree with the fate prescribed for us by the Almighty. Therefore, before entering into such a family, there must be a strong faith and knowledge of religion. If you came to Islam just yesterday and are going to become a second wife, nothing normal will come of it. There are rules for joining such a family, it's like the rules of the road. There is fiqh in Sharia - how it should be. Iman (faith), knowledge and the third - readiness from the psychological side. At first, a person may agree, and then - scandals, hysteria, enmity ... This is wrong. Does the first wife work? No, she is a housewife. Their children are 15, 12, 10 years old, 4 years old. She never worked after her marriage. But they are so comfortable, because you have to look after the children. - And how do you divide your husband's attention - for example, how many hours a day or days a week should he devote to his first wife, and how much - to you? - With my permission, he is more with the first family. He works there all week, lives there, and comes to me on Friday. Leaving on Sunday. These issues were discussed even before marriage. “For the time being I live there, I want to move to Kazan, I am looking for a job, do you agree?” - "Agree". “If I am in Kazan for only three or four days, do you agree?” - "Agree". If sometimes at work, at the request of the children, I can’t come on weekends, do you agree to be without a man?” - "Agree". So we discussed. That's when it's fair. But if I say that I don’t agree, and he says: “Sorry, I couldn’t come,” this is already injustice. It is a system where everyone has their own function. Not that everyone pulls the blanket over himself. So we will bring the man to a heart attack. Wives should understand their husband, help him, this inspires him. If we help each other, and he tries, and things are going better for him, everyone is fine. How did the kids take it? - A person with strong faith and knowledge brings up children in the same way. Children who know from an early age that such families exist understand this. We, as adults, hide such personal things from them. We show it to them as a relationship between relatives. We do not raise questions of jealousy in front of children. We do not discuss what happened on “my” day, and what happened on “your” day, “but your dad bought me this,” etc. That is, these relationships do not concern children. For them, mothers are friends, and they are relatives. They probably don't realize yet. Perhaps as they age, they will have questions. Maybe there will be jealousy, while imperceptibly. If there was an opportunity to choose again - Would you advise young girls to become a second wife? - If I could turn back the clock, if I was 18 - 20 years old, I would not be ready for polygamy in the family. You also need experience and time to mature in terms of faith, knowledge, to be psychologically ready. - If at the age of 20 you had a choice - to become the only wife or the second wife? - With a probability of 99.9 percent, I would choose to become the first and only wife. There are men for whom one wife is really not enough, they need a second, third wife. Such a man must stand firmly on his feet financially in order to provide for two families. It may be that a man takes two wives at once, and then there is a chance to build an equal relationship. But in our society, this is a difficult option. - Surely many will think: who is her husband - a millionaire, a tycoon? Or an ordinary person? - He is a manager. Ordinary worker. It also depends on the needs of the individual and the family. For example, I work on my own. Of course, sometimes there is not enough money. But sometimes we can go on vacation. To lead a family with two wives, it is not necessary to be a millionaire or an official. But it is imperative to have a job, because it is wrong to be insecure and have two wives. What conditions must be met for remarriage? - According to the rules, if the first wife lives in a separate house, then the second should also have a separate house. But in practice it doesn't work that way. These things are decided depending on the possibilities of the family. Each case is individual. Now I have no problem with housing. He pays for my apartment, buys things necessary for the house. Of course, he would like me to have a separate house too, he has it in his plans, he tries to have it. But he lived with his first wife for 15 years, they created it all together, worked, saved money. And I have no complaints - they say, why does she have a house, and the three of us live in an apartment and I still don’t have a house? If he takes me to live in his city, of course, he will have to buy or rent a house. He, like a man, solves this issue, I do not puzzle over where I will move and how I will live. In general, a woman should not put pressure on her husband in this matter, resist and demand. Many families break up because of a housing issue. A person always wants more, better, here it is necessary to soberly evaluate all the possibilities. - If there is some kind of discord with the husband, a quarrel, can he just take it and go to his first wife? Sharia does not allow this. He has no right to do so, because it is a great insult to his wife. The Almighty told men to restrain their anger and keep silent, even when they are angry with their wife. A man who has a strong faith in his soul and strictly adheres to the precepts of his religion will not deal with his wife in this way. My husband and I have not fought yet. According to my observations, relations in polygamous families are stronger, because we do not see our husband all the time, but intermittently. While he is gone, you miss him, wait for him, he is a very desirable person for you. And the other wife is also waiting for him, yearning. Therefore, when meeting, there is not even time to quarrel. - You were the only wife in the first marriage, now - the second wife. Which union is happier? Why did you separate from your first husband? – In my case, I am happier in my current family. You know, these years I thought about the reasons for the collapse of my first marriage and realized that my first husband and I were very different. We had different desires, plans, views on life and religious views. - Do you think you could save the relationship? - No, i guess. He is such a person - only what is happening today matters to him. If he is happy now, he does not think about the future. And Muslim men act according to the precepts of their faith, because they think about tomorrow, that one day they will have to answer for their actions. – Are there many polygamous families in Tatarstan? Do you communicate with them? – We communicate, there are many such families among Muslims. Now my close friends are almost all second wives. It's kind of a coincidence. Among our acquaintances and friends there are those who lived for 15 years with their second wife. There is a family with three wives. They have been together for about 10 years. According to statistics, 90 percent of polygamous families are strong families. - If the husband decided to take a third wife, how would you react to this? - If the husband comes and says that he is taking a third wife, I still tell him: “OK, take it.” I try not to have such thoughts. But if he thinks about it, he still won't tell me about it. I try to understand what he lacks, what he doesn't like, and fix it. - How to become the best, beloved wife for her husband? What do you advise? - First of all, you should be a friend to your husband. Must understand his desires, hobbies, interests. Even if you don't think like him, you still have to support his opinion. When he defends his position in front of friends, relatives, parents, one must say that he is right. If your husband says that this sugar is black, for you sugar should be black. No need to argue and prove that he is white. There should be no jealousy towards his friends. He should have his own separate world: friends, hobbies, hobbies. No need to be jealous of them and fight them. For example, he wants to go fishing with his friends this Saturday - let him go. Next Saturday will be with you children. It's useless to argue about this. From fishing, he will return with love for you. Because you let him go, and also poured tea into a thermos, gave him a sleeping bag, a backpack, woolen socks to sleep in a tent. He will praise you in front of his friends - this is my wife, she gathered me for fishing. Look, here is a cup and sandwiches. He will praise you and all his fishing trips to his friends he will talk not about the fish, but about you. And all loving will return to you. In solving financial matters, you should be his partner. And not a relationship: a consumer - a donor. Before solving the problem, you need to prepare the ground: pour tea, bake a delicious cake. Say - let's go, I invite you on a date. "Where?" - "To the kitchen!" You sit down, quietly bring to the topic, affectionately, not sparing pleasant words, bring this problem up for discussion. We solve the problem together as partners. Financially, we are partners. For every man, especially for Muslims, your relationship with his parents is important. For them, this is a very important issue. His mother should be the nicest, rightest, most beautiful woman in the world. Because this is his mother, his most beloved woman, you must love her. If you respect his mother, love him, he will be pleased with it. Commentary by a Sharia Specialist At the request of our correspondent, Khazrat Mubarakov, Mufti of Tatarstan's adviser on Sharia issues, commented on some of the statements made in the interview. To what extent do they comply with the canons of Shariah? Why does Islam approve of polygamy? - He does not approve, the Almighty allowed polygamy. - Did Allah say that men do not pay attention to the jealousy of their wives? - This is not in the Quran. - He said that you can never love two wives equally, but you must not show that you love one more than the other? - That's what he said, yes. Even if you have more feelings for one wife, you must make sure that they do not feel it. The attitude of a husband to his wives should be the same, equal. Buying something for one wife, he must buy the same thing for another. Give the same attention and time to one and the second wife. This is the right of the wife in such a family, she has the right to demand from her husband. - If a person practicing Islam is against polygamy, is it considered a sin on his part? – If you say about polygamy that “there is no such thing in religion”, or “this is bad”, then such a person ceases to be in Islam. And if a woman disapproves because of doubt that the husband can be fair to both wives, or because of jealousy, then all women have it. - Can we say that this does not suit our mentality, our families? - If a person says that he does not correspond to our family tradition, then he must prove it. And the inconsistency with the mentality is a very subjective view. With what intent is it said. Allah has permitted polygamy for all Muslims. And if you mean that modern men will not be able to master polygamy, then this is really true. In a man there is infantilism, and in a woman there is a desire to be free. Be free like a man. The more independent the woman, the more infantile the man.

The second wife is just as natural as the first. But not everyone is ready to accept this fact. Someone doesn’t even want to hear about it, and sometimes the first wives are ready to divorce, just not to share their husband with the second.

What to do if the family is talking about a second wife?

First, after hearing the news, renew your wudu and read two rak'ahs of an additional prayer. Accept this news only as the mercy of the Almighty, as a gift from Him. Make dua for a long time, asking for strong faith for yourself, your spouse and his new wife, and happiness in this world and the world to come.

IN NO EVENT IS IT WORTH:

Throw a tantrum, be offended, threaten with a divorce, ask for a divorce;

To insult the husband, to insult his new wife;

Make a scandal, turn the children against their father;

Set against his husband and his relatives;

Discuss the situation in the family and your husband with friends, on forums, wherever else.

Someone will perceive the appearance of a second wife as a test. Yes, indeed, this is a very powerful way to pacify your pride, your nafs - to accept a second woman in your husband's life and live in peace.

Islam is perfect, Muslims are not. Only Allah knows with what intention your husband takes a second wife. Previously married a second and subsequent times, to help the second wife cope with her material and domestic problems. It could be widows, elderly women. Therefore, perhaps there is a big difference between the polygamy of those times and the present day. Sincerely make a dua for him so that the Almighty Creator strengthens his faith, so that your husband is just and does not earn sin by the wrongness of niyat.

It is not at all necessary for you to communicate with your second wife, but if meetings cannot be avoided, then the best way is to approach this with wisdom and make friends. Do not set anyone against her (neither husband, nor children, nor relatives). With all my heart...have pity on her! Yes, just take pity, because, most likely, before marriage with your husband, she experienced a lot ...

If the appearance of a new wife from her husband thundered like a bolt from the blue, just say that you need time to digest this news, get used to this thought, accept this fact. This can take some time, for someone even years ...

Take a bath, read the prayer;

Read your favorite pages from the Holy Book;

Be alone with the Almighty...make dua. He hears you and He will give you relief, in sha Allah;

Take a shower, bath, drink tea, coffee with something sweet, tasty, sit in silence or read;

Take your kids for a walk or a mosque, or some excursion that you have been putting off for a long time - in general, at first, do something that will give you emotional nourishment, do not go into depression.

If the appearance of the second one has greatly traumatized you, then change the center of your universe from your husband to the Supreme Lord. Realize that God also gave you a husband, that he is not your property. Your happiness does not depend on your husband, it is in the hands of Allah! Help your husband to be a just family man, gently remind him that he should divide everything equally between his wives, help him not to fall into sin. Still seek the contentment of your husband, fulfill your duties, for the sake of the face of the Almighty. You can wisely and gently remind your spouse of his duties and your rights, but you shouldn’t “download” them. After all, in the end, on the Day of Judgment, everyone will answer for their deeds.

Do not think that you have been betrayed, substituted, humiliated and trampled into the dirt, do not dwell on the fact that now you have more than one "soulmate" for your beloved. What period of time is allotted to us in this mortal world? A maximum of 100 years ... What do you want to spend these years on, knowing that eternal life awaits you? For insults? On swearing and scandals? Or for creation?

Engage in self-education. If possible, get a quality religious education (full-time or part-time), learn excellent Arabic. Set yourself the goal of becoming a hafiz to the Koran, for example. One of the finest things worth spending your life on, isn't it? Memorize the sacred verses with children or with a group of sisters, read tafsir, work with ustaza. And live according to what is said in the Holy Book.

Or acquire a profession that would be useful to the Muslim Ummah or improve your skills. We really need women doctors, women teachers in various fields, psychologists, sociologists, nutritionists… Think of a profession that you could devote most of your life to helping people for the sake of the Almighty.

Keep comfort and warmth in your home, the atmosphere IN WHICH YOUR CHILDREN GROW will depend on your mood. How you accept your husband's second wife can be imprinted on the psyche of your children (as a trauma - in the event of your scandals and insults, or everything will go smoothly - if you behave wisely, tactfully, with dignity, maturely).

Do your best to raise happy, well-behaved Muslims. And for this they need a submissive to the will of Allah, a self-sufficient, self-confident, psychologically stable, wise mother. May Allah grant each of us to have a righteous, strong, friendly family.

Gulnur Yanberdina

K. M., N. Novgorod

Immature love

“As a rule, two types of men fall into a “double” situation,” a reader of AiF comments on the letter. psychologist Anna Khnykina. - The first one is too dependent on the opinions of others, he himself cannot make a decision and make a choice. He acts like he has nothing to do with it. A typical example is the hero of Oleg Basilashvili from the movie "Autumn Marathon". A man and his wife, and his mistress, and he is afraid to offend himself - after all, he himself does not know what is best for him in this situation.

The second type is the masters of life. Today, among rich people, having a second family is considered the norm. They say they can afford it. Many take their “parallel” wives abroad, the children go to local schools there.”

I have a friend who had an affair with a married man and became a "second wife" for several years. And what was her horror when this man infected her with a venereal disease. It turns out that even having two life partners, he managed to cheat on both of them from the third! And ... with a former mistress. It flooded, they say ... As a result, all four were treated together. “Is this a normal person? He is a moral monster, a scoundrel, a traitor, ”the friend wept bitterly. And for me it was bitter that this nasty incident did not force her to break off relations. She left the "harem" only a few years later in complete depression after a series of new betrayals.

“A man loves two women? From the point of view of psychiatry, this is not a deviation, - says A. Khnykina. - The question is only in ethical assessments. Such "double", "triple" love is similar to the real one. But this love is immature, in which a person only takes and gives nothing. A morally mature man will not live in parallel in two families. Relationships in a couple give a person integrity. And relationships with several partners are multiplicity, which is morally exhausting. I have not seen a person who would be proud and say: "Here, I have so many wives in parallel." The number of children - yes, men are proud. But at the same time, they prefer not to spread how many women they were born from.

In a real oriental harem there is an internal structure. Each wife has her own duties, her own functions, each is part of the system. But in our culture, if a man starts several parallel families, his women one way or another, sooner or later, will begin to tear him to pieces and demand the impossible - to be both there and here at the same time. But a man physically will not be able to give both everything that women need - warmth, affection, care, attention. As a result, he feels torn apart and guilty before everyone.

To the question “Why do men behave this way and start several families?” there is a simple answer: because women go for it! And the desire to deceive everyone and get comfortable has not yet brought anyone to good.

Mistress family ... strengthens?

We can talk as much as we like about what goes on in a man's head when he starts a parallel family. But this is what has always amazed me. Women are indignant all the time: “Why can’t he make a decision?” Forgetting that she can make the decision herself. For example, to leave this man, stop pretending to be a victim and wait for him to “decide”. Better yet, do not enter this river at all. As the telematchmaker Rosa Syabitova says, “do not open your mouth on someone else’s bed.”

Many married men say that they do not live a sexual life with their wife. And the mistress (she is not a “second wife” - we will call a spade a spade) begins to think that she will tie a man to her with a stormy bed. And it turns out the opposite! Getting sex with her, this person seems to fill the void in the relationship with his wife. Now he does not want to leave his wife! No matter how curious it sounds, but very often the “other” strengthens the relationship of a married couple, complements their relationship. Sometimes sex on the side gives rise to a feeling of guilt in a man towards his wife, he begins to “revenge in front of her with his tail” and build relationships.

“Why do women even become “second wives”? - A. Khnykina comments. - A man who takes a mistress positions himself most often in the noblest way: “I don’t want to ruin your life by tying it with an official marriage. If you find your man and leave, I will only be happy for you. So at first everything is very tempting.

You have everything, as if you are with your husband - you are provided, you live a sexual life, but at the same time you are free and do not bear any obligations. But... Imperceptibly addiction comes, a habit arises. It's literally like with drugs - at first you just try, and then you can't refuse ... It's interesting that both men and women in this "multiple" situation say the same thing - "I can't." “I can’t choose”, “I can’t forget”, “I can’t send”, “I can’t decide”. It's actually "I don't want to". But saying “I can’t” is much more convenient.”
Many “second wives” argue: “There are still fewer men in Russia than women. And so at least some, but I have a man.

“Firstly, “there are fewer men” not in the country, but in the head, - says A. Khnykina. - Secondly, this is contentment with little, and the position of “at least some” eventually leads to the fact that there is none.

Even if the “second wife” understands that something needs to be changed, the decision-making in time is sometimes stretched so much that it becomes too late. She is already 48. He never left his official wife. And now he wants a young mistress. Money, please. And intimate communication at some point stops.

My main practical advice: when starting a relationship with a married man, you need to understand what you are playing with. You play with your own time. When a woman decides to give birth to a married man, you need to think about this: maybe you have enough figs in your pocket, and the child will want the father's attention. And you will need to constantly invent legends that "dad is an astronaut." If you have already found yourself in the situation of a “second wife”, I think you need to build your own happiness, taking into account what you have, the psychologist advises. - There is a child and no husband. So you need a husband. Mine. At the same time, let the children maintain a relationship with the real father.

Dear readers!.

website- Today, among rich people, starting a second family has become common and is even considered the norm. Polygamy is prohibited in our country, but no one has canceled the Tokol. The Tokol Institute - a younger wife with a living older wife, existed in the pre-Soviet era. However, if earlier a second wife was taken with the permission of the first, today men manage solely by their desire.

Living in two families, a bigamous husband does not leave his lawful missus for someone else's beautiful lady - both women are equally loved for him, equally valuable, because he feels good with both. the site decided to find out from the men themselves why some of the powers that be have second wives.

Becken, 46

Photographer: Chingiz Sheraly uulu

“There are different situations in life. Personally, I take this positively. Why? Because some people get married, but for some reason they cannot have a child and, realizing that it makes no sense to live without children, they get divorced. If it is possible to find someone who can give birth to a child, why not. But men should not forget about their first wife. We need to solve the problem together. The main thing is that the first wife gave her consent. I am surprised at those men who, while the first one is alive, try to have a second wife without saying or warning. This is not a man's act."

Ernis, 32

“I have a wife, thank God (smiles). So I didn't even think about it. But since I have to answer, then my opinion is this: everyone has their own head on their shoulders, there are couples who live in a civil marriage and there are those who have lovers. Everything depends on the person himself. If a man loves his wife, why does he need a second? But I am also surprised that the young girls themselves are trying in any way to destroy someone else's family and get married.

Zamir, 27 years old

“If a man has the opportunity to provide a second, and maybe a third, then why not. A Muslim has the right to take four wives. After all, our ancestors followed such customs and had 3-4 wives. At first, of course, men feel good and interesting with their wife, but after a while, warmth, love and care disappear. Most likely that's why the man is looking for another. As we say: "Biroonun ayaly kyz korunot, ozundun ayalyn kempir korunot" ("Another's wife is a beauty, one's own wife is a witch" - literal translation). Therefore, some men just want to have second wives just because they get tired of the first. But all this is wrong. It's my opinion".

Eugene, 23 years old

“I never thought about it. Somehow I don't care. But, if the first wife does not mind, a man can get himself a young beautiful wife. Many men simply lose interest in their first wives, they want something new.

Pamir, 43 years old

“I think this is the wrong thing for a man to do. Every man should be happy with his family. And young girls should marry suitable, worthy guys. But now there is such a situation that many girls are led to the position, the condition of some men and begin to destroy families. It's against our customs."

Edil, 28 years old

"IM married. I love my wife and I don't need another. It's all about the men. Since he wants to have a second wife, who is young and beautiful, but does not know how to do household chores, does not cook, then in the end he will suffer and even regret it. A man should have one, one and only wife, whom he must cherish, love and not betray.

Sali, 47 years old

“I have a negative attitude to this, one woman will be enough. But it is necessary to consider this question from the other side. There are situations when the first wife cannot give birth to a child, and men must leave offspring behind them, because we are the successors of the family. In such cases, the husband and wife should be together, which means that the problem should be solved together. If the wife agrees that the husband has got himself a second one who will give birth to a child, then this is permissible. But you must always remember that since you got married, you must be with her to the end, love and care. And I don’t respect such fickle men.”

Question:

I have been married for 4 years, we married for love. Circumstances arose that they began to live with his grandmother, with whom we had a bad relationship from the very beginning. On this basis, there were quarrels with her husband, mutual claims. I gave birth to two years of age at once, plus more stress, as a result I became unbearable for my husband, stopped taking care of myself, for him, the house was not a hearth for me, because there was another hostess - grandmother, she did not let me be a hostess, and that’s all kept under control. Recently I learned that the husband communicates with the girl and wants to take her as a 2nd wife. What happened to me is beyond description, for me the world collapsed, I morally died. He asks to be allowed to do this, but I do not give and cannot give, I cannot live like this - I love him too much. I promise him that I will change, that I realized that I myself am to blame for the fact that he began to seek solace in another woman, I will change, but he does not want to let her go, because he is afraid that I will not keep my promise, and she will already be returned can not. I can never get over the fact that he will have another wife.

Answer:

Praise be to Allah, the Gracious and Merciful! May Allah bless and greet the Prophet Muhammad, his family, his family, his companions and his followers until the Day of Judgment! Amen.

First, the responsibility for the occurrence of a problem in marriage must be divided between two, and not just you. Yes, you stopped paying attention to your appearance, caring for children and the house came to the fore, but then you were not alone and shared this lifestyle with your husband. Therefore, it is unreasonable to blame only yourself for this situation.

Secondly, you cannot forbid your husband from starting a second family. This is his right. You can be indignant, anxious, etc., but you cannot decide whether to take a second wife instead of him or not.

So, it turns out that in your relationship with your spouse, you make two big mistakes. This is when you decide everything for him and try to solve family problems alone. You need to learn in marriage to appreciate your man and cooperate with him. Perhaps this was the reason for the cooling of relations between you.

Marriage is first, a partnership. In nikah, a man should find comfort and support. This implies the expression of his masculine qualities and, accordingly, his feminine. In a relationship of suppression, a man is not satisfied for a long time and begins to look for a replacement. Therefore, it is important in nikah to give a man the opportunity to be a man, and himself a woman.

In other words, stop blaming yourself for what happened and decide for your husband what to do. Do not think about his desire to start a second family. The opposite only leads you into anxiety and breakdown. Better focus on what is really in your power. Start with yourself, your appearance, addressing your husband, comfort in the house, etc. Try to maintain partnerships in the family and do everything so that your husband feels like a beloved man and head of the family next to you.

Treat what is happening to you as an exam. Having passed which, you will become even better than you were, and your relationship will acquire new colors, the colors of which depend on both of you.

I wish peace to your home.

And praise be to Allah, the Lord of the worlds! Amen.