Breakups are often painful.

Love is different. Sometimes she gives us wings, and we joyfully soar above the ground, and sometimes she is able to break our rose-colored glasses and bring us down from heaven. When attachment to a person prevents you from enjoying life, this is not love, but an addiction that you need to get rid of as soon as possible. "" - you say and face a wall of misunderstanding. How to get rid of thoughts about a person who does not need you? Let's try to deal with this difficult task.

Basic Human Needs

As you know, a person has basic needs that he must constantly satisfy for a normal existence. First of all, it is the air we breathe. Our breathing is so important that a few minutes without oxygen is killing us. Secondly, it is the need for water and food. Thirst and hunger make us forget about everything in the world until we find water and food and are properly satisfied. The need for sleep can also be put on a par with satisfying thirst and hunger. Without sleep, a person will not live long, as the body needs time to recuperate. Then, when the basic needs are satisfied, a person can already think about his position in society. We need other people to notice us and communicate with us. Without communication and in a state of loneliness, a person also cannot be, even introverts need to satisfy their need to communicate with other people from time to time. As you can see, none of these needs include relationships with the opposite sex. While we are hungry, we have nowhere to live, or we cannot find ourselves in society, relationships fade into the background. It should be remembered that you cannot live without food, water and sleep, before declaring that you cannot live without any person, let him be more important to you now than the air you breathe.

What does a woman need

Each of us sooner or later comes to the realization that she needs a family. Some girls have a desire to become a mother since childhood. Although many girls mature for a long time before realizing that they need a child. But a woman is ready for a relationship with a man from her youth.

She needs to satisfy her need to love and be loved. And if the first is successfully satisfied by falling in love with Hollywood stars or popular singers, then the second need for love can remain unsatisfied for a long time. The lack of love in childhood and adolescence provokes a painful perception of parting with a man.

The girl simply does not want to imagine her life without the man who left her. Instead of looking for a person who wants to be with her, she will focus on her past suffering and it will be a long time before the feelings cool down. After all, you can warm up love without even seeing a man, but constantly remembering him. No person can be more precious than the air you breathe and more important than your life. And even if your love seems incurable to you, urgently get rid of this thought. If you wish, you can stop loving a man who is dear to you and start your life without his presence in it. Start getting rid of your love!

Women suffer more from their amorousness and are more likely to become attached to someone than men. She may become attached to a kitten on the street, a new dress, and a friend from work. Attachment to a man is quite understandable. We want a family, we lack warmth, love and nights not spent alone. The habit of being with a certain person is so strong that when he leaves, you have no idea how to live on. However, each of us had difficult partings, after which life first lost its bright colors, but then again acquired meaning and love returned in a different guise. Moreover, if you treat separation as an experience, much becomes clear as day. For example, a person who left us taught us to appreciate real feelings and helped us avoid many mistakes in the following relationships.

How to deal with addiction

No one but you can make your heart stop loving a man who does not love you. The path to learning to let go of attachment will not be easy. You may need the help of a specialist who will explain to you where it comes from.

Only new impressions and experiences will help to crowd out the old ones.

addiction and help you remember a childhood incident that made you afraid to live without a man. Then you need to fill your life with another meaning besides a man. By filling your life with new hobbies and meeting other people as much as possible, you will not give yourself time to get bored. Many girls try to fill the void left by other boyfriends after the man left, but too quick an attempt to move away from parting ends in failure. You can go on dates and have a good time, but don't rush to fall in love again, because you are not yet ready for a new person in your heart. Give yourself time to sort yourself out and don't start new romances while the memories of past relationships are still hurting you. And finally, love yourself for two and do everything to make you feel comfortable.
As you can see, "" is not a sentence, but simply a problem that needs to be solved. Our feelings are controllable, all that is required is willpower and the desire to change our lives. Believe that you will be able to forget the man who did not want to stay with you!

Codependency is the drug of the 21st century, psychologists say.

Dependence on alcohol, smoking, and other things differs from it only in that in the first case, a person develops an addiction to a chemical substance, and in a codependent relationship, a constant, unhealthy attachment to his partner appears.

You literally immerse yourself in the state of another person and become dependent on him physically and mentally. How to live with it? And is it necessary?

To tell the truth, being in such a situation, you need to run away from this relationship headlong. Otherwise, you risk not only breaking your psyche, but also raking broken firewood for years.

Save yourself from codependent relationships, end them, part with the past

Or maybe it's not love?

Causes of codependence are very diverse and individual, but its victims are usually united by low self-esteem, dislike in childhood, a tendency to depression, and a lack of one's own opinion.

Until you see the need to fix something in your life, nothing will change. This is the law. Realizing that you are in a codependent relationship is the first step to breaking the cycle.

The problem is that people consider attachment to be something natural, and codependency begins to bother them when the situation reaches the handle. The difficulty lies in the fact that it is rather difficult to distinguish love from codependency. But it is possible and necessary.

All these hysterical "light on you like a wedge came together" in songs and films watched to holes demonstrate codependency relationships. And promote them. It's simple: it sells better.

Let's not dissemble, many of the women. Remember when the boy you liked carried your briefcase from school every day? Was there love here?

Let's figure it out: how to distinguish a healthy relationship from codependency?

In co-dependent relationships, you feel heaviness, lack of yourself, stiffness in thoughts, deeds, actions

Love is…

There is one very simple way to distinguish healthy love from codependency. Renowned psychotherapist and author of The Foundations of Spirituality, Roger Walsh, offers an excellent test of how this can be done for sure.

For example, you love peaches. They lie right in front of you on the table - you are happy. This is fine. But if at the moment there are no peaches at home, there are two scenarios for the development of events:

• you will not be nervous about this, it will not affect your mood in any way, you will be calm and peaceful;

• become unhappy: the whole world collapses without peaches, because only the fact of owning them, their taste and sweetness can make you happy.

Feel the difference?

A - desire or love.
B - attachment or dependence.

The difference here is far from being an abstract set of symptoms. And how do you cope with the absence of an object of adoration.

When he is around - everything is fine, but if he is not around?

Even the strongest desire often disappears without a trace and painlessly. There is a peach - great, no - you can live without it. But the addiction will squeeze all the juice out of you until you satisfy it. Real breakdown.

Where do legs grow from?

It is impossible to find a person who is completely healthy physically and mentally. We all have experienced many traumatic events in our lives. From the first standing in the corner of childhood to difficult partings.

And if you swallow them and carry them inside you, they grow and take on a new form. And here "hello" irrational fears, negative attitudes and complexes. These are real holes in the psyche through which energy flows.

Let’s suppose that the mindset “I don’t need anyone and I’m afraid of loneliness” is stuck in your head. And now a man appears in your life who literally plugs this mental wound with himself. And she pours compliments, and assures that you are beautiful, and saves you from loneliness.

There is a plug, the energy does not leak, you really feel happy, and it seems that you even love him for it.

In a dependent relationship, you love not the person, but the fact that he fills the void inside you.

One day he leaves. What do you feel? All-consuming, black, cold pain. Happiness is abruptly replaced by apathy, weakness and a feeling of uselessness.

The fear of uselessness and loneliness is confirmed and returned. New complexes are growing. And now you only think about how to return it. It seems to you that life without it simply does not make sense.

heal yourself

What to do? For a codependent person, the answer is not as obvious as it might seem. Although everything is simple: instead of looking for someone to close your mental wounds, they simply need to be cured by yourself.

No wonder the famous psychotherapist Louise Hay called her bestseller “Heal Yourself.” After all, only by realizing the problem and deciding to change, you yourself can truly change your life.

When you stop wasting your energy and needing someone to find it, then your happy life will begin.

It is then that love-codependence will turn into love-creation. This is when you feel good about yourself, and you can even fly next to your beloved man!

In a normal relationship, there are no thorns to the stars, spears in the heart, and bloody battles.

3 steps to get rid of codependency

To change yourself and work on yourself, . What to do if you are completely at the mercy of codependency? Getting out of this state is very difficult, but these simple 3 steps will help when you feel that attachment is already on the verge.

Step 1: Remove Responsibility

This is perhaps the hardest step. Recognize that he is NOT supposed to end suffering. He just doesn't have to. This is your life and your feelings. Your problems. The good news is that you can heal yourself!

Stop being a little girl and thinking that you are not capable of anything, even if you were inspired by your parents and partner. The first thing you must do for yourself is to stop thinking that the power over you is in their hands.

Power over yourself and your desires is in your hands, getting rid of infantilism is also

Step 2: Admit the dislike

Love is the complete acceptance of a person and the ability to penetrate into his soul, no matter how grandiloquent it may sound. But "sick" love, codependency and affection has nothing to do with normal relationships.

True love for a partner starts with yourself. Remember? "Love your neighbor as yourself."

That is, first you need to love yourself, and only then your neighbor.

And if you do not love yourself - and since you are codependent, then you do not love - then how can you love another person? The sooner you accept that there is no love in your relationship, the sooner.

Step 3: Focus on yourself

Someone from the wise said: “If you feel bad, then the Universe is hinting that it is time for a new level. Suffering is a call to research and study of oneself, and not a reason for despondency.

Look inside yourself, because you are the center of your world. Forget what your partner thinks - at least for a couple of days. Forget about how he feels, what he wants and how he looks at you. I don't care what goes on in his head.

It sounds harsh, but the truth is that the opinion of a partner will only matter when you fall in love.

And in order to fall in love, you need to find harmony in yourself. Study yourself, work on yourself. When you find the real motives for your behavior, any addictions will go away on their own.

Responsibility for your happiness

Most often, someone who is used to shifting responsibility onto others gets into co-dependent relationships. Such people often remain infantile all their lives or require excessive guardianship, attention from a partner, or even worse, take responsibility for their happiness.

They, as in a well-coordinated business, always have someone who is responsible for their peace, happiness, well-being. Only the “trick” is that your own happiness cannot be delegated.

They give you a hand when you step down the step, and instead of elegantly accepting a beautiful gesture, you lean on your hand with all your weight. If you are, then no one will pull you.

And the point here is not love, but the fact that each person should be able to walk independently. For your own good.

Developing yourself as a person, as a woman, tracking your thoughts, feelings and experiences - this is the only way to happiness. Once you turn your attention inward, your world will begin to change.

Begin to get to know yourself and understand the causes and reactions to certain situations in your life. More practice - more understanding. And the more you know yourself, the more freedom you will have in your life.

Yaroslav Samoilov, psychologist, relationship expert, creator of the Phase of Growth online educational project.

Now I don't know who I am. I'm just scared, that's why I have such thoughts in my head. I cannot sincerely blame anyone, because any person is what he is, if everyone understood their mistakes, but people have become too proud. I myself became a nonentity, I fell in the eyes of my relatives, although these are only my thoughts, they love me any, but the worst thing is that I don’t need anyone. I feel sorry for everyone, my compassion is not developed like no one else, then I want to be left alone so that the people who surround me now leave me and simply disappear. I don’t know what is happening to me, but I can still say, I fell in love and not just fell in love. This is some kind of impossibly strong, even super-strong love. It's a shame that I fell in love with the same nonentity as I am now. He pulls me down. I don’t know if it’s intentional, but he does everything to make me go crazy. But I love him and can't live without him. I'm afraid of him, but I go ahead to my goal making a bunch of mistakes and stupidities. Sometimes I just hate him for it, I want to show and prove to him how he offends me and how he himself does not live correctly. But he doesn't seem to hear me. He turned out to be completely different in life, but the sad thing is that I need him any and just went crazy. I don't have words for who I've become. I don't understand who he is to me. But every day I realize how madly, strongly and for the rest of my life I love him. But why him? There are so many guys, men, and who love me around. But I’m just dying for a person who, by and large, doesn’t need it. And my head is spinning from him, I can’t even look at him calmly, I start shaking like a fool, I love him so much, with every look at him thoughts about the present I understand it. And the funny thing is that I saw him only a few times in my life, but I know who I love, I even imagine everything so much and feel as if I have known him for a long time. What kind of love is this? I'm going crazy because I'm alone. I have to talk to someone. My relatives are afraid for me, but it seems to me that they do not believe and cannot enter how serious everything is and how much you can love. But who needs this love? What I just didn’t do, even disgusted him, thought up nasty things to myself to make it easier for me to forget him, but I couldn’t. I'm not even ashamed, I just love him and some kind of madness turns a blind eye to everything, these are such trifles compared to what I love. I tried to crap him, to show who he really is to him, to teach him how to live, and I did it obtrusively in order to again arouse disgust, but I can’t either. I know this is not right and I feel so sorry for him, even though he spit on me. It just rips me to pieces. I sleep all day and do nothing. Sleep heals me. But I began to die in front of my eyes. My family noticed that I stopped eating and lost a lot of weight. I became like a living dead man. Nobody really needs me like this. Everyone says beautiful, find a boyfriend. And for me it's hell, when they say that, for me there is no one but him. The main thing is that I didn’t do Toko, I even put my life on display, but it looks ridiculous from the outside and who needs it. I tried many times to get through to him somehow, because I can’t live with him, but he’s not the same, maybe I really fell in love with the image, then why do I just die without him. I'm shaking all over, my heart hurts, my hands and body go numb. I don't brag about how much I love. I just want to be heard, I can't live without him. Nobody understands me, but my relatives have abandoned me, they hang up when I call. Now they are worried about me, but not as much as I would like. They want to fatten me so that my boyfriend comes back to me, but do I really need it. No would understand, understand the reason, they do not care. They're just doing their duty because I'm the first child.

For the fourth month I have been living in some kind of wild dream, when I want to wake up, but you can’t ... My consciousness has narrowed ... All sounds, voices, events barely touch me ... I’m like in a dungeon where the light barely seeps ... I am a robot mechanically performing my duties, my work, my actions... it's as if I don't exist... but in my soul there is some kind of canned pain... Tears every day... and it's as if a rock has fallen on my soul!
We met on the Internet a month after the death of my father - the closest person in the world ... I clung to him like a saving straw in a sea of ​​\u200b\u200bgrief and emptiness. My beloved was not like the others ... His childish simplicity bordered even on naivety, kindness with old-fashionedness and unusualness, there was not even a shadow of lies and pretense in his smile! We talked every day, via skype and text. We wished each other good morning and evening, good night! We couldn't live without each other... neither he nor I. If I did not go to the site, he was nervous - where were you? My beloved lives in a city that is my homeland and where I have not been for 12 years ... I was happy in my homeland - everyone was still alive there - my mother, sister, aunts, uncles, father! During these 12 years, I lost everyone... everyone died, and as it was written in the diary of one girl from besieged Leningrad, ONE TANYA LEFT...
He helped me... he breathed life into me... he made me smile again... dream of joy...
We talked for half a year, and I made a decision - to go home ... For 12 years I could not do this, and then it was as if wings had grown! When I got off the train, I was crying from the overflowing feelings!
I didn't walk around the city, no! I flew! Seeing him, I realized with even greater strength - how much I love this person and that for his sake - AND ON THE SNOW I WILL WALK ALL THE ROADS BAREFOOT... not only this handsome guy who was standing
in front of me... This week in my hometown was something unimaginable... Harmony with him, the world, heart, soul. We were on the sea, walked along my native streets, parks, roads ... He invited me to his house, just as a guest, introduced me to his relatives ... the warmth of his native hearth ... a big friendly family ... really I have it was?
It was the happiest week of my life! He was kind to me, caring, sweet, simple, he really liked me, and I realized that now I can’t live without this person ...
I came home only with my body, my soul remained there, in my hometown ...
I cried day and night from being separated from him. I started to panic - how am I going to live without him now? I began to write to him very often, perhaps I conveyed this panic, nervousness, longing, and he gradually began to move away from me ... every day more and more ... Feeling this, I fell into even more panic, I wanted to correct the situation, but I spoiled it even more ... All these 4 months after my arrival, he endured it all, sympathized, helped ... But I realized that he does not love me ... If he is ALL LIFE for me, I am only for him a pleasant memory... In the end, he refused to communicate with me in a rude manner. To say that the world has stopped is to say nothing... I prayed... I cried... so as not to be separated from him in this life. I am ready for him to be just a FRIEND for me, a BROTHER, anyone, but only so that he does not completely disappear from my life ... but he does not believe me ... he is frightened ... my words do not matter to him now, although earlier he was the closest person to me and understood everything ...
I don't live... I cry all day long... Life seems to be over... I dream of only one thing: THAT HE WILL BE - anyone, as God wills, but so that he is not lost from me in this world... I'm waiting for his message - at least one, I'm waiting for a miracle. He knows how I suffer, how I suffer, but his heart seemed to freeze. I take anti-anxiety pills, but they don't help me. I - having survived the death of so many close people, I cannot survive this separation ... My friend, seeing my terrible state, wrote to him, asked him to write to me at least sometimes. He spoke to her in a harsh manner. It got to the point that she asked him, almost begged, and then he answered in his hearts - OK, OK, LET YOU WRITE AS MUCH YOU WANT ... YOU ARE SIMPLY CRAZY. Then he added: LET THEY WRITE TWO TIMES A MONTH AND EVERYTHING... OTHERWISE YOU WILL NOT LEAVE EVERYWHERE... But I, feeling terrible pain in my soul, body, heart, in my whole being, wrote to him... WHAT ARE YOU ! NO VIOLENCE! IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO COMMUNICATE - DO NOT WRITE... DO NOT TORTURE YOURSELF... ALTHOUGH YOU KNOW HOW STRONGLY I AM ATTACHED TO YOU... BUT I CAN'T FORCE HOLD YOU! THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING! HAPPINESS TO YOU!... He answered with such gratitude, as warmly as he communicated before - THANK YOU SO MUCH! THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING ME!
After that, I fell ill ... It was the last test of my soul ... Now there is not even a hope that someday he will remember, write ... And I simply cannot live without this person ... I agreed to everything - even just to maintain a conversation with him once a month, but it seemed to him violence, heaviness, a problem ...
It's hard for me now more than ever in all my 34 years. Tears... A sea of ​​tears... and the pain doesn't let go... it burns from the inside like a fire... It's hard to live without hope. I am tormented by a feeling of guilt that I myself ruined everything ... I want to put in a big bag everything that used to interest me, give joy, and throw it out as unnecessary! And the main thing is how to live with this unbearable pain? How can I live on?!

Support the site:

Tatyana, age: 34 / 26.10.2012

Responses:

Hello Tatiana! Oh, how I understand you ... I don’t have exactly the same situation, but it’s similar ... and it’s SO hard and unbearably painful for me now, I can’t eat, sleep, or work - I live in a box with pain, but my beloved person is now far away and already with another and loves her, not me ... I don’t know if I can really help you with something, but I myself am trying to get out of this and now it’s a little easier, I don’t want to jump out of the window anymore and I start to eat through the force and sleep a little. My advice - leave MCH alone for now, I know - I myself could not stop at the time and still messed up more. If you VERY want to write to him, write - write a lot and write everything you think - but send it to yourself, not to him ... Then, after a while, re-read it - and write again, drive everything out of yourself! Or at home, pronounce everything to some object ... let everything come out ... Be sure to turn to friends, talk, discuss - cry, just don't keep it in yourself, everything needs to come out. Then they gave me one good piece of advice - as soon as you start thinking about him, immediately switch to reality - for example, I'm walking down the street, the lantern is broken, the grass is green, the baby has a red riding hood ... and so constantly, don't let yourself think about him, control - strictly do not let thoughts bloom and do not go through the circles of hell again and again. Read the letters of those who wrote here, it helped me a lot, I was so amazed at what pain others go through that I began to forget about my own ... Try to do as much as possible, just on the mechanism, just to keep yourself busy with something ... so that thoughts do not climb. And this pain also led me to God... I had to endure and suffer so much before, but for some reason I held on - I died in my soul and lived in hell... but I didn’t remember God... We are told that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger... but sometimes it finally finishes you off, like a test shot... I can relieve suffering - this is the Lord. Every time I wake up with a nightmare at night, when longing comes and I want to howl ... I pray, I don’t think about anything - I just whisper and whisper to myself ... And I do this all the time when I can’t fall asleep or wake up in the middle of the night, at work, in the car, everywhere... I pray every minute I get the chance... Try it. I don’t have anyone either, and you can say I never had a family, and I know how hard it is for you. MCH probably just lived a dream at first - at a distance it’s easier to imagine something and live in illusions, maybe he was sincere, but during the meeting something went wrong, maybe then he got scared and you became a burden to him, men are like that - when they need us, they take it for granted, and when they spread their wings, they don’t need anything else. .. It's good that they wrote here, spoke out ... - this is the first step.

Mila, age: 34 / 28.10.2012

Tanechka, you need to live WORTHY! And you need to fight WORTHLY, and let go of someone who is not your own WORTHLY, without breaking yourself and your life !!! You never have to beg and crawl on your knees and beg for anyone to listen and understand! Tanechka, this does not work, because there are no elementary feelings, and only a loving heart is capable of this! I understand you very well, how lacking family and support. My name is also Tatyana and our situations are somewhat similar. I know firsthand what it is like to be completely alone. I have been in my country for 15 years now and I have no relatives here, and to be honest, there is nothing. They also abandoned me, or rather, I myself went straight to nowhere, after betrayal and a long and exhausting lie on his part, I also thought I would not survive, but still I live! So far, not everything in my life is wonderful: no work, no corner of my own ... While I live with a friend, like a homeless sabochenka ... BUT, Tanya, I am glad that I do not humiliate myself in front of him, no matter how hard it is for me! !! Tanechka, please understand that he cannot help if he does not have mutual feelings. I know it's very hard, but force yourself to move in the other direction and feel sorry for yourself as little as possible. Always smile and repeat to yourself when it covers you with your head: "I am the best, I am strong, I can and will overcome everything, and I have everything ahead !!! I will definitely become happy in spite of everything and everyone!"

tatianaaus, age: 29/28.10.2012

Hello Tatiana! I understand you very much ... But I have a slightly different problem ... My father left me,
At least you saw him for the last time, but I don’t even know if he is alive ... I also loved one person, but after his words “Go kill yourself, since you love”, I thought that life does not make sense. But I realized that I have to live no matter what. I began to enjoy life, to spite him! And I met someone else! And now we love each other and we have two children. Live and enjoy life! Don't make mistakes that you will later regret. Follow my advice! LIVE AND ENJOY LIFE!

Tatiana, age: 30 / 28.10.2012

Dear Tatyana! It seems to me that you are very lonely in life and therefore are ready to grasp at any straw to overcome it. You want to "stick" to someone with your soul, but you have to wait for your person, you need to gain strength and patience and wait. And this one is good, but just not yours. It's not his or your fault, it's just that you and he are not two halves. And he understood it first. I think you didn't spoil everything yourself, but he understood this after your meeting. And you began to get nervous for a reason - you, in the heart of a loving woman, felt the "signals" of trouble that he began to give you. And no matter how you behave, everything would still end the same way. So there is no point in blaming yourself for your breakup.
It is necessary to close this page of life with gratitude for a new experience, albeit a negative one, but it is also needed, it will add wisdom to you, and in the end you will build your best relationship with the best man - yours. And there will be no tantrums and pain, because there is no need for them when the feelings are real.
I advise you to pull yourself together, accept this situation, let go of this man in peace and wish him happiness. It is not necessary to perceive a mistake as a tragedy. There is no need to seek happiness in suffering.
And just - go back to the dating site and get to know each other again - there are so many good single people in the world! Good luck to you, Tanechka!

Frida, age: 51/10/28/2012

Hello Tatiana! It's great that you are on this site. Read other stories that are much more difficult than yours. And you are still a girl, you still have everything ahead of you! Think seriously about the fact that if the Lord divorced you, then this is not your person. YOUR - is waiting for you and you will definitely be happy. So that you understand what I mean: my daughter was friends with a guy for 2.6 years, they broke up. Worried a lot, good boy. And a year later he died. A friend's son was ill, she begged him from God, he survived ... But he became a drug addict. And she said, it would be better if he died then. Pull yourself together. Nobody knows what lies ahead of us. Not the fact that you would be happy with this person. And so you had a whole week of happiness! And there is more happiness ahead of you. This is exactly what I'm telling you. Hold on!!!

Elena, age: 47 / 28.10.2012

Tatyana, you were not loved in childhood, so you build dependent relationships, look for support in people. But none of the people can be completely trusted - only God, Who is Love. Your mistake is that you are looking for love from others. And you need to love yourself. And myself included. And you need to seek love from God, not from people. Engage in an analysis of your life, analyze how you were brought up, what mistakes were made in your upbringing. I do not urge to condemn parents, but it is necessary to take a sober look at yourself, at your past. There is a double benefit here: You will understand how to heal your own soul, and how to raise your future children. Pray constantly. Do not hide any pain from the Lord. We can get tired of this person, a person can get tired of our tears. But the Lord is so Multi-merciful, loves us so much... He hears our every sigh! Learn as much as you can from the situation. I recently went through something similar myself. We met a man, he left, communication became virtual. And at a new meeting, I realized that he was completely different than I thought of him for myself. When I tried to break out of the circle of beautiful words, from which I began to suffocate, because there was a feeling that the person did not love me, a concrete, living one, but some Beautiful Lady, he simply wrote that he would never write to me again and kept his word. I was shocked by this turn. And then I realized: it’s just wonderful that the exposure of our strangeness happened so quickly, which was not visible behind the romance of passionate feelings. And I began to feel joy and thank God for the lesson. You, too, invented this person for yourself. You idealize it. The desire to have a family makes us women very vulnerable. Men feel it. Try to overcome this vulnerability in yourself. Understand that it is better to be alone than with just anyone. Conduct yourself with dignity and never trample on it yourself. And now start going to church, confession, communion, study Orthodox literature about family and marriage, analyze your mistakes, pray that the Lord heals your soul. We are all sick with the same thing: dislike. The age is like this: love dries up. But this is surmountable: you need to seek the love of God and give love to people yourself. And most importantly, don't despair. Everything will be fine for you if you want it yourself.

Akulina, age: 29/29/10/2012

Hello Tanya,
I, too, am experiencing a tragedy and suddenly I read yours and the funny thing is that it is so similar to mine ... I also once met on the Internet and sat endlessly on Skype ... It was not a person, but air ... But it ended all this is as sudden as it is with you ... The reason he called was that I "strangled him with love" too much ... But in fact, he just already had another girl in mind and he got married after some time ... But the fact is that 4 years have passed since then and I have not experienced this feeling anymore, but I had to feel what it is like when I am "strangled with love" and this is another tragedy ...
I came to this site to read how to survive a breakup...
It's really hard...
Pray - it helps. Ask for strength to survive this, thank the Lord for protecting you from not your own person. Because imagine a situation when a person realized this after 10 years of marriage ... And left ... You actually have a very good option. He gave you support, gave you an incentive to live when your father died ... He pulled you out ... + it was a happy time spent together in your hometown .. All this is like an impetus - live Tanya live ... And now you just need to look around and set goals that are not related to your savior, for he has his own path and his own life. And you have yours.

Nastenka, age: 32 / 29.10.2012

Tatyana, I deeply sympathize with you. But I understand that this is all just a consequence. And the reason is not even in this young man. I recently read the article "do not make yourself an idol." The second commandment was given there: "do not make for yourself an idol and no image, do not worship and do not serve them. For I am the Lord, a jealous God ...". In that article, the author asks: "why does God, having created a person as a creative person, give him a restriction in creativity - forbid him to create idols?" And he answers: "Because a person, having taken the first step - having created an idol, immediately takes the second step - begins to worship him." The fact is that God created man with a desire to worship. But worship him - God. But a person confuses everything, worships an idol, and when it is revealed that the idol does not meet expectations or the idol rejects the worshiper, then suffering from this substitution begins.
Once, when I got into a situation similar to yours, I suffered and said to God: “Your judgments are righteous, Lord! But it’s not easy for idols either. After all, subconsciously they understand that something is wrong here, they are unworthy of this worship.
It’s even ridiculous to say that when I was separated from my husband for a long time (he left to work), I mentally talked to him when there were problems, mentally told him about them instead of telling my problems to God. But as they say in the same commandment, the Lord is a zealot. He will not give his glory to anyone else. And he allowed a situation where I revised everything radically. He allowed and he supported. At that time there was a lot of pain and a lot of fellowship with God. The pain was forgotten, but I remember how God supported me all this time. Turn to God and he will give you consolation. It is surprising for you to hear this now - but this pain will be forgotten someday, and the mercy of God will be remembered. Turn your eyes to a worthy object of worship - He will never reject and help you. Trust me it will still be good. Build your relationship with God and He will help you build new strong family relationships. And you will write to this site about how happy you are. I believe that ahead of you lies happiness in God and family happiness!

Marina, age: 44 / 29.10.2012

Tanya, hello. Somewhere I read the following: Imagine that a girl meets a guy who confesses his love to her. The girl's first reaction is joy, she was appreciated, she was noticed, she is in anticipation. However, the guy does not leave and repeats again how much he loves the girl. The girl is confused - she did not expect that so quickly and that the guy would immediately repeat his words. And the guy, instead of leaving and starting courtship, giving flowers, inviting to the cinema, etc., again and again keeps up with the girl and repeats like clockwork: I love you. In general, half a day passes and the girl is already in shock from what is happening. All she wants is to be left alone, she no longer has any warm feelings for the guy, her feelings simply did not have time to be born, to get stronger. By the end of the day, seeing that the guy doesn’t leave and repeats like a clockwork “I love you, I can’t live without you”, the girl decides to call the police for help and call the mental hospital screaming for help to save her from the madman who haunts her.

Now put yourself in the place of a girl, would you withstand such pressure and declarations of love that rain down on you endlessly? Most likely not, they would say, the guy behaves strangely, you need to stay away from him ....

Doesn't this remind you of anything?

If you love that person so much, everyone told him what they wanted, leave him alone with you. Let life itself put everything in its place. Time is an amazing healer, it helps to evaluate events and people at a distance and already without embellishment and illusions.

Why did you decide that this guy is your last hope? You are in a difficult situation, and the loss of your relatives crushed you .... But after all, we are all mortal and we will all be there, so why be upset over what we cannot change?

And why kill yourself over a guy you weren't even married to? Who told you that he is your betrothed? Only your desires and dreams. You yourself decided so. And you decided for that person that it was you who would make him happy .... Is this love? Love, which endures everything, does not seek its own ....

If you really love, keep on loving, it's wonderful. So, you need to go through this stage of unrequited love at a distance. And there is no need to bury yourself, to kill with despondency. Egoism and your unfulfilled desires and passions speak more in you now. You are so good and not appreciated, left ....

Pray to the Almighty and trust in him, time will put everything in its place. As the great Gabriel Garcia Marquez said: What is yours will not leave you, and if it is gone, then it was not yours. There is a Kazakh proverb: Winter is always followed by spring. Remember this. It does not happen that winter is always around, spring is near, you have to wait for it. I wish you spring in my heart.

When spring comes, one will appear who will understand you immediately and accept you for who you are. Hope for better times and they will come.

Zhanna, age: 32 / 29.10.2012

Dear Tanechka! Why are you suffering so? You fell in love with a virtual interlocutor .. But he moved away from you, because he realized that he was not ready for a serious relationship. Or maybe he was afraid of your pressure, men are afraid of assertive women. They are conquerors by nature, and you did not give him a chance to conquer yourself. Tanechka, if he is frightened, then he is not your man, but yours is still somewhere ahead. No need to despair! You need to move on, enjoy everything that surrounds you, become happy. A happy woman, a man will never miss!

Dear Tanya! I already left my response and saw a comment by Frida (51 years old) about a dating site. I don't recommend you even go there. From my own experience, I was convinced that there are no good men there (and there are enough perverts. After the site, you will be even more disappointed in men. Because it seems that all the men sitting there take off their masks and show their true faces. As they say - under a lying stone, water does not flow.But I do not advise you to look for a man on the site.I wish you happiness and meet your other half as soon as possible!!!

Marusya, age: 31 / 29.10.2012

Tatyana, hello! In my opinion, you are not killed by a person, but by your first cherished, and then scattered dreams! You don't even know this person! You became interested in a virtual man, added some features that attracted you to the image that had formed in your head ... And that’s all ... And this image, on top of everything else, was so successfully woven into your childhood memories ... But it’s impossible to recognize a real person in a week ! We recognize ourselves all our lives and still sometimes we don’t know what we are capable of!
I understand that even if you agree with me now, the pain will not go away! But life goes on! This pain will also pass, but you don’t need to cultivate it in yourself! It’s not for nothing that they say: “If you cry about the fact that there is no sun, you won’t see the stars!” So it wasn't your man! Yours is on the way!

Holiday, age: 38 / 29.10.2012

Dear Tatyana. I never write reviews, I will try to put into words what I think. A couple of years ago, she herself faced a "broken trough" of illusory happiness. She also roared, blamed herself, took offense at him for the injustice of life, because everything was so good and I tried .... And then I looked into myself .... Therefore, I want to say. Are you wondering how to live? Stop self-flagellation, cherish your "grief", and begin to understand yourself, not why it happened, and what I did wrong, but WHY, and what you need to understand. The more honestly you understand yourself now, the better you will go further in life. You filled the emptiness and loneliness with an invented person, put him on a godhood and began to breathe his breath and completely forced yourself out of your life. Here the long-awaited HAPPINESS has come, right now everything will be .... You have already built your life with him ... imagine how everything will be wonderful, how many coincidences and it seems we understand each other. He said NO and the world collapsed. Because there was no peace. You lost yourself in it, that's why you fell and broke. Humble yourself and forgive YOURSELF, because it was necessary for you to find yourself. Start living, only live not through failure, but as you are today. Look at yourself critically, what is wrong, what you lack, what to add and start building your wonderful, happy life without tears and worries, fill it with joy and love. Displace this "idol" from yourself, it takes up too much space, this is your fantasy, this is a bet that did not play, and figs with it)))) it is not and will not be anymore. Believe me, you will still say THANK YOU to him if you choose the right path now. Hope dies last, but it must be killed first. Create your own life in which you will love everything, where everything will be yours, give yourself pleasure, enjoy what you are. Be the center. Do not look for pleasure and love from outside, generate it yourself. Go study, develop, learn something new that you have long wanted, but have been putting off - it's time for giant steps forward through yourself. Search in social Setekh is not love, but like-minded people. You don’t have time, Tatyana, for snot and suffering, you still need to create a strong family and give birth to a couple of babies. And in order to do this, you must urgently find yourself, uniquely new, make yourself, love your own result to the point of madness and not lose yourself anymore. As soon as peace, warmth and calmness come in your soul and you stop wasting the energy of dot and loneliness around you, you will love yourself and your life, you will feel good from what you are, and you will feel good from everything that surrounds you, You will become self-sufficient and you will not need to be loved, you will love, a person will come who, like you, will not need a half, will not need to draw energy from another, because he will be the whole world, like you and there will be happiness. So you fell, that's a fact, but it's time to rub the "bo-boo", get up, set a goal and move on. Great things and big changes in life await you, but first work on yourself.

Svetlana, age: 34 / 30.10.2012

Tatyana, if you are interested, here is my story - http://www.nelubit.ru/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=17676. In you, I see myself, unfortunately ... You have strength and patience, you deserve a better man. Really men, with a capital letter, and not his likeness, sorry ...

Margot, age: 25 / 31.10.2012

Dear girl, I understand how difficult it is for you. But you just understand that you have an addiction. And addiction is the opposite of love. It pushes other people away. Whoever looks needy will always be. Open your eyes, open yourself to other people. Perhaps someone already loves you, maybe even secretly. Stop feeling sorry for yourself - this is selfishness. At least try to find people with a similar situation and express your sympathy to them. I think this will help you. Wish you happiness!

osandr, age: 25/31.10.2012

Dear Tatyana! Of course, this is not about love. You have a severe addiction, and most of the suffering is from obsessive thoughts. Explore articles on this site about these phenomena. Believe me, from the side it is clearer what is happening to you. You stifle a person with the desire to be loved, the desire to fill your "I" with another. But this is impossible in principle. One's own emptiness cannot be sated by anyone or anything, except for a while, and then an even larger dose will be required. It's like an addiction. And you certainly benefit from the fact that now you have been "cut off the oxygen", because further it would only get worse - you would get deeper and deeper into your addiction, torment the other, and yourself would be unhappy. You need to love yourself and believe that you yourself have all the resources to make your life complete and happy (with God's help), believe that you yourself are a self-sufficient world. Turn to God for help - and He will teach you to love yourself, and then others. There is no love without respect. So start with the fact that you respect the desire of this person to be left alone. And stop waiting for letters from him. Better pray for his happiness! God help you!

Marina, age: 26 / 01.11.2012

Tatiana! And well, gathered immediately! What it is?! Why did your mother give birth to you - so that you would not trade your life here for a sniff of tobacco?
I’m your age, also not married (and never have been, I don’t have children and I don’t know if there will be), and what now - has the world come together like a wedge? Yes, you look around, what is happening with the institution of the family - a nightmare. It is still unknown who is lucky, married or single. But I was just figuring this out now, and not so long ago I also dreamed of everything, I was looking for a “betrothed” in everyone I met. A man only glances a couple of times, and I already had time in my thoughts to marry him, give birth to two children and safely divorce. Yes, you will say now - but "my" Petya (Kolya, Vasya) is not the first one you meet! We won how it was! And you soberly look - what is EVERYTHING?
Yes, we talked. Good and close communication. Yes, and fellow countrymen, this, of course, gave an additional color. Obviously he liked to tell you about his city, about how it has changed, to show it to you. Well, he showed it to his head. He clearly had sympathy for you, but no more - this is quite acceptable. Moreover, since you are 34, then he, therefore, is also not 20 already - at this age, they usually fall carefully in love. Yes, and you must admit, he didn’t lie to you, he didn’t hang noodles on your ears, he didn’t make romantic advances in your direction, everything is honest, he just liked talking to you, he looked closely. After your visit, he didn’t really have time to figure out his intentions, and then such a hurricane hit him. Here, anyone would have run away, dropping their slippers. He had enough of such a hassle for another 4 months.
That is to say, your whole novel took place in your head. I took sympathy for unearthly love. Well, it happens, but rotting alive because of this, by God, is not worth it.
You just have to be patient now. Turn on the mind, through emotions, through pain, but turn it on. Emotions do not keep up with reason, so it will not become easier right away. But if the brains are tuned in the right direction, then emotions will follow them, they will not go anywhere.
So let’s get out, it’s good for you and your girlfriend to shed tears for a couple (I don’t understand at all, to be honest, why did she go to the guy to beg to contact you, was it really incomprehensible that it wouldn’t be better? Well, okay, what has been done - it's done, you can't go back). It's not about him now, and don't care what he thinks there - you now need to think only about yourself. Come on, come on, get out. God help you, everything will work out for you, I'm sure! And in the future, try not to rage like that -) Whatever a wonderful guy, remember - no one will replace you for yourself!

Nina, age: 34 / 03.11.2012

DEAR TATYANA! PULL YOURSELF IN HANDS, NOBODY TRIED YOU NOT TO Pity, BUT TO BRING YOU TO REASON, YOU ARE YOUNG, ENOUGH YOU, YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM, JUST HIS ROLE IN YOUR LIFE IS PLAYED, TIME WILL PASS AND YOU WILL LOVE AND UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS ONLY A TERRIBLE HABITS, STOP PANIC, DO ANYTHING, I'M SORRY THAT I CAN'T GET YOU FEELING AWAY.

irina, age: 39 / 11.11.2012

Hello Tatyana 2 years ago I was also in the same situation. Just like you, I met a man from another city on the Internet. At first we just talked, but over time I realized that I wanted to see him next to me. I flew to him on the other side of the country on the wings of happiness, but my dreams were not destined to come true. We spent 8 days together, but it's time to leave. I really did not want to part with him, I was ready to leave everything and stay. But he did not say the words that I was waiting for and I left. He bought me a plane ticket with promises of an early meeting in my city. Intuition told me that this was our last date, but I believed in our bright future. In vain believed, as it turned out in the future. Once home, I realized that between us began to form an abyss. If earlier we were constantly in touch with him, now he moved away from me, and I was still waiting for him near the computer. Waiting for words of love. I suffered from the fact that we were not together, and he reassured me as best he could. After suffering for two months, I decided to talk to him about our relationship, to which he said that he was afraid to take responsibility and did not see us together. I let him go, although thoughts about him did not leave me for a year, probably every day I thought about him, but since love should not be destructive, even if it is not mutual, I sincerely wished him happiness, prayed for him as for my own me a person. It probably helped me, and after a while I found my happiness, and he found his. I got married, he married, we were able to maintain warm friendly relations. Now I think that he was sent to me so that I would not go crazy from the loneliness that surrounded me at the time of our acquaintance, just like I did to him. I would like to wish you not to focus on suffering and pain, but to look at the situation from a different perspective. He gave you just a breath of air, but you yourself can take a deep breath. Lower the resentment, believe in the future. Everything will be fine. You just need to believe in it.

Margarita, age: 30 / 03.12.2012

Hello Tatyana. I understand you very well too. I am in the same position as you are now. Until recently, we were close lovers with my boyfriend. And now he does not want to communicate with me at all. And I destroyed everything myself. Feelings of guilt are unbearably painful. And I, like you, do not know how to live with this.

Lana, age: 32 / 12/17/2012

Tanya! I read your letter just now, it was very touching. I hope that now, after 2 years, you are doing well? If you can, write how you are doing. I wish you happiness!

Martha, age: 41 / 02/10/2015

Tanechka, hello!! How are you now??

Elena, age: 37 / 04/26/2018

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