He chose me over another...
This is a special, very important question. Why does a woman hesitate to think about her future without her husband for so long? Why is it so painful for her to get used to the idea that she can have other relationships and another marriage? Of course, a lot depends on how long she lived with this husband, what her life was like before him, whether there was any experience of meetings, romances, hobbies, civil marriages before that ... If the husband was the first and only man, this, of course, is much harder than if he is no longer the first husband, and even more so not the first man. But still, why is it so difficult to imagine your life without this person? It is unknown, scares with uncertainty and so on. Sure, but does that explain women's indecisiveness?
The answer to this question actually lies even deeper, much deeper. Deeper than the mental mechanisms associated with the phenomenon of habit, when one habit is lost, and the other is not yet or has never been, and therefore it is fearful, and scary, and uncomfortable. The answer lies in what might be called "self-esteem." A man who leaves a woman formally simply leaves for another woman. But after all, this act is largely perceived as a gesture - that it goes not "toward", but "away from". In general, we have before us that classic case when the natural, biological egocentrism of the feminine principle brings a woman down ...
Yes, women are by nature more egocentric (a big request not to confuse "egocentrism" with "selfishness" - these are different things). And this statement is not an accusation, but a statement of fact. An important and valuable fact from an evolutionary point of view. The biological task of a woman is to endure, give birth and raise a part of herself - her child. Hence the egocentrism - so nature decided that a woman builds the world around herself: she is in the center, and the world is around.
Men, on the contrary, build towers that go up to the sky, and change their homes to see - "what else is so interesting there." Selfishness, of course, is characteristic of men, because they always move towards “their” goals, and nothing can be done about it. But egocentrism, that is, the feeling that everything in this world is connected with you and you are involved in everything in this world, is purely feminine. And so women compare everything with themselves, try everything on themselves, find themselves in everything and organize everything for themselves.
So, how does female egocentrism manifest itself in a classic divorce situation? Very simply, in the mind of a woman, the phrase sounds like a sentence: “He left from me". She may not think so, but she feels that way. Although almost certainly - he actually went "to" her, that is, to another woman, and only then, "secondarily", from his former wife. In general, this is a common practice of divorces initiated by men - a man goes to another woman, to the one he loves, to the one with whom he feels comfortable, to the one, for example, who decided to give birth to a child for him. In general, there are options, but all - "k". If men left “from” their wives, then they would go nowhere, that is, without having the intended landing site - a mistress, an old “second wife”, and so on. But this happens only as an incident.
In general, men go "to" another woman, and the resigned wife, as a rule, is sure that they left "from" her. But the reasoning of the woman does not end there, they go further: “He left me, which means I am not good-looking.” This, in fact, is where the biggest problem lies. The woman feels inferior. And the long execution of self-flagellation begins. Moreover, a whole ideology of their physical inferiority is being formed.
A woman has thousands of options and reasons, none of which, as a rule, is true or, at least, fatally serious: “I got fat ...”, “I got cellulite ...”, “I stopped taking care of myself, went in a frayed dressing gown…”, “I have ugly legs…”, “I am getting old…”, “I have wrinkles…” and so on. In addition, each one has some “special flaws” that the husband may be used to, but other men will see - and immediately turn to stone with horror. Yes, it's quite dramatic...
In short, a long and destructive story begins to herself about what she is like - “worthless”, “useless to anyone”. “Maybe I did something wrong?! - A woman is killed in horror. - But what?! No, I guess I'm just old and ugly. This is a catastrophe!" Yes, women have been taught to explain their successes and failures with their own appearance, thank God, there were “glosses” back in the USSR - “Burda” is diverse and something like that. And now it’s already ... Everything is clear: if a man loves, then for beauty, if he lives with a woman, then only because she is incredibly beautiful.
I will not deny that the appearance of a woman is of great importance in the sexual choice of a man, but gradually the appearance of the chosen one ceases to be a significant incentive to maintain relationships. A month, another, a year... And that's it. Now completely different mechanisms of relationships play a fundamental role. But women who are used to attracting men with their appearance somehow forget to rebuild, and most importantly, rebuild themselves inside their own heads: “A man is with me not because I am beautiful, but because we have one happiness for two.”
But let's leave it and imagine for a second that a woman is convinced of her own unattractiveness ... And this is natural if you constantly think about yourself in a derogatory tone. How, with such an inner mood, does she imagine the possibility of her future love relationship? Of course, she thinks that they will not be, everything is an end to her personal life, because she is “old”, “terrible”, “terrible”. Who needs her?! At best, to her "undoubted" "terrible" she is "kind inside". But this, as she now "understands", men do not need at all. “They need - young, healthy, so that the legs are from the ears and so on. And I…"
In general, a decrease in self-esteem, self-deprecation is one of the classic symptoms of depression. And since this mental disorder is growing here with us day by day, everything that is called falls one to one. And any comparison with the “other”, with the one that he “preferred” you, is basically losing, because he preferred her, not you. Consequently, the verdict has already been passed, the verdict has been announced ... And this is a vicious circle.
The woman falls in love more and more. The image of the man who left her seems to her more and more sensual, sexually attractive. And here on you! Pictures begin to obsessively scroll in my head, like “he is with her”, they “tumble in bed”, they “enjoy”, they “have fun”, they are “happy together” ... “And I’m here, alone, alone, no one needs , old and, on top of that, unattractive.” In short, horror is horror.
In fact, as I said, a man does not leave "from", but "to". And “to” he leaves not because that woman is beautiful, but the one with whom he lived for so many years is terrible as a fierce death, but because he is used to one, but not to the other. Beauty (in the sense of its sexual meaning) is actually temporary and very fleeting. But not because of "age", "old age", but because you get used to it. And as soon as a man gets used to the appearance of a woman, she ceases to be so attractive to him as at the beginning. "New" for him is always "beautiful" "former", familiar. This is true.
And if this is so, then what does his departure from one woman, with whom he lived for ten years, to another, with whom he did not live for ten years, mean? What is the second more beautiful or better than the first? You can think as much as you like that this is so. Please. Not forbidden. But if we take into account the peculiarities of male psychology and male sexuality, then everything looks completely different. And it is "in a different way" is correct. In this situation, one woman is no better or worse than another, a man's sexuality is simply drawn to the new.
And if the woman to whom your husband left has her own husband, then for him, that is, for the husband of your husband's mistress, you are potentially much more attractive than his wife, that is, your husband's mistress. I hope I put it clearly ... And if it’s quite simple, then for any man - on the street, in the office, in a store and on a personal plot - the woman he sees for the first time is, in principle, more sexually attractive than the “usual wife”. And therefore, to draw a conclusion about one's own unattractiveness, based on the fact that the husband went to the "new" woman, is at least strange. And comparing yourself to her is simply wrong, and besides, it is dangerous.
Perhaps someone will say: “Yes, before that, he and his mistress lived for five years in secret from his wife, why didn’t he cool off ?!” Don't worry so much, it will get cold. When betrayal, when adultery - more adrenaline and more testosterone, and therefore the attraction is brighter. And it will go into a rut, it will cease to be “forbidden” and ... the rivers will cool down and the earth will cool down. Will not go anywhere. And you need to know about this, you need to remember this. Because if you want to build a long-term serious relationship, you can't rely on appearance. They meet “by clothes”, but see them off ... They see them off if they don’t feel that they are loved. After all, even “being loved” and “feeling loved” are two different things.
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Why not me? The man of your dreams is married. Not on you. At this very moment, it seems to you that your life is crumbling, it just shattered into smithereens. You feel it especially keenly when you see how happy others are. It doesn’t even matter what situation you have in your relationship with this man happened, but we only know that he will always be invisibly present in your life. And this is all because you are trying in every way to consciously be "his only".
You do everything to please him. You run until you faint on a treadmill and torment yourself with diets, even read Cortazar, although you don’t like this writer at all. You try to convince everyone, including yourself, that you are delighted with the work of Apocalyptica, since he spoke enthusiastically about it once. Plus, you climb the career ladder to the point of losing momentum, stuffing abrasions and bruises.
And even if she is 10 kg fuller and 10 years older than you, the essence of this does not change much. You still ask yourself the question: why not me?
Of course, after a while you will be able to reason sensibly and understand that in this situation there are no guilty and right. But for now, you just need to survive. From here you will learn lessons and begin to live on, a new life. What should be done?
1. Do not deny yourself anything.
Cry. Beat the dishes. Drink. Eat sweets. Now you just need to give vent to emotions. You can even watch stupid melodramas and cry. The only important thing is that you do not ruin your life. Try not to bring yourself to bulimia, do not allow a long drinking bout, try not to end up in a neurological clinic or the police.
It is very good if in a difficult moment there is the person who will support the hair while you feel sick. It doesn't matter who it is - a mother, a close friend or a sister. Women's solidarity is needed in any case.
2. Start a personal diary
It does not matter at all what kind of diary it will be - a traditional notebook with a lock or online diary LJ- you have to choose. But it is desirable to remain anonymous, as this world is sometimes very cruel. Rereading the entries in your diary, try to analyze the situation and your mistakes. By the way, the diary should not contain such phrases as these: “I am a nonentity, no one needs me, no one loves me, a complete loser!”. All this you must leave in the first stage. And now you just need to analyze the situation and make some experience. Perhaps you were in a hurry, or maybe, on the contrary, you were holding on too impregnably. But don't allow yourself to think that "If I had then..., we would now...". Such thoughts are not constructive, and they are of no use to you.
3.Reclaim yourself
In this pursuit of the ideal, you most likely lost yourself. To get yourself back, just sit down and write down everything you love on a piece of paper. It is even allowed to write just a set of words: sea, cats, desserts, red, ice skating ... The most important thing is that you list everything you love, and when reading this list, understand that you are a living person, an independent person who has many interests and who can do a lot. You are worthy of respect and love, believe me, even though you prefer Dontsova instead of Cortazar.
4. Plan
The worst enemy of people who have experienced a real love drama is idleness. At this stage of life, be especially careful to avoid unstructured time. During the day, of course, you have no time to grieve - a lot of worries, work. But in the evening comes melancholy. Try to schedule the day by the minute, and even the evening, so that there is no time to be sad.
5. Don't rush
When such situations come, many have a strong desire to take revenge. “I have to show him how happy, beautiful and successful I am, and then he will immediately understand what kind of woman he has lost!” - this phrase is not unfamiliar, and most likely it has visited your head as well. But because of such thoughts, a woman begins to do stupid things. At best, only a bitter residue of disappointment remains from trying to run a race with the man of dreams. And it happens that a woman can cripple her life by marrying, for example, the first person she meets, only to take revenge.
6. Wish them happiness
The most difficult thing for a woman is to forgive her rival and rejoice at the happiness of her beloved man, sincerely rejoice.
But you can look at everything in a completely different way, from the best side. You got the very best from him. Unlike a newly-made wife, you do not have to collect dirty socks around the apartment, see his annoyed face, you avoid getting to know his mother, and he will not constantly forget about your anniversary. In your head, he remained a bright ideal - the Man of Dreams, and will remain so forever. Therefore, you only need to thank him, because he gave you the opportunity to continue to believe in the best - in the existence of princes.
Tofan Felicia
“HE PREFERRED TO ME ANOTHER…”
The wife unexpectedly returned home and found her husband with her best friend. The lovers decided not to interrupt - not to deprive themselves of pleasure because of her. The wife, speechless from such impudence, went out into the kitchen, not knowing what to do. After 15 minutes, a satisfied husband enters and says:
- Do not be so upset, dear, next time we will definitely invite you.
Joke
Tanya's boyfriend Boris is not married, she is not married, both are smart, energetic, businesslike, they have many common interests.
At first, as expected, Boris courted, but not for long - about a month, and then the relationship acquired an “ordered” character, already without love confessions and compliments and trifles and signs of attention so pleasing to the sensitive female heart. All three years of their romance, the meetings took place according to approximately the same scenario - dinner, sex, conversations.
After they broke up, when Tanya analyzed the reasons for the breakup, she recalled that there was lyrical communication only at first, and then they most often talked about business, discussed the past day, shared plans, gave each other advice. In general, two business people were mostly business conversations.
It seemed to Tanya that everything was in order - they have so much in common, both work in business, both are ambitious, purposeful and dream of making a career. What else to talk about, if not about what interests both?! She was glad that she and Boris understood each other so well, they were like-minded people, they had the same views on many things, a similar goal in life. “This is the man I need,” she said to herself and was proud that she was a worthy match for him in all respects.
He and she created the Party of lovers of each other.
Their romance lasted three years. Tanya did not immediately feel the approach of the finale. At first, their dates became less frequent. Boris excused himself by being busy - they say, there is a blockage of work, I can’t breathe, I won’t be able to come today, maybe tomorrow. And tomorrow he, too, "do not breathe." They met once a month, then even less often. And so the meetings became episodic, from case to case, and each time on her initiative - she called Boris, and not he called her.
Still, Tanya had no idea. “For any man, business should come first,” she reassured herself. - Borya is a business man, he makes a career. I am his comrade-in-arms and should treat this with understanding.”
Then their meetings completely disappeared. She almost failed to catch him at work, his mobile phone did not answer.
Once, stepping on the throat of her own pride, Tanya left work early and went to his house. She put her car to the side, hiding behind other cars so that Boris would not see her, and began to wait.
Intuition usually does not deceive a woman. True, often, it works later than it should.
- What is neutrality? the wife asks.
Here, for example, you come home, and I'm in bed with my mistress. You cling to each other's hair, and I puddle, smoke and keep silent. I am neutral!
Joke
Boris arrived with a girl of about twenty, by whose appearance Tanya determined that she was that secretary or something like that - in any case, the opponent's forehead was not marked with the seal of intelligence. A cute, frivolous doll, showing flawless teeth in a dazzling smile. The rival stared at Boris with an admiring look and smiled continuously, depicting complete delight from his company with her whole appearance. Tanya was struck most of all by the fact that her usually serious Boris also shone with a smile. He was saying something - at a distance Tanya did not hear his words - and his passion listened in response, shining with a look and a smile. The happy couple entered the entrance, and Tanya sat, clutching the steering wheel, not seeing anything in front of her from the tears that covered her eyes.
The older the man, the younger his mistress.
She regarded Boris's behavior as a betrayal. Why did he fool her for so long? Why didn’t he immediately say that their romance had come to an end? Asking herself these questions, Tanya did not think about how she would react to such news. At that moment, her feelings were in complete disarray.
Tanya did not wait for the lovers to leave Boris's apartment, and went home. I cried all evening. She was very hurt, as it hurts any woman who is neglected by a man who is preferred to another. And very embarrassing. How could her clever Boris choose this pretty pacifier over her? What can you talk about with her? What can this girl give him? What do they have in common?
The next day after work, she drove to his office and waited for Boris to come out. Luckily he came out alone. Thinking over her behavior in advance, Tanya decided that if he came out with a new passion, she would not approach him and would choose another moment. She approached Boris, and by her appearance he guessed everything. He did not twist and honestly answered that he had decided to part with her.
Tanya held firm, nodded calmly, said: “Goodbye. Be happy,” and left.
“All men are traitors! - she tormented herself with generalizations, although she had no experience of long-term relationships, except for Boris. “I don’t need anyone else!”
Two friends met: a family man and a womanizer.
- Well, how's life? - asks the family man.
“Sucks,” the womanizer says bitterly. - Two months on abstinence.
- So you have a beautiful wife!
- Bro, you would still remember your sister and grandmother!
Joke
Unfortunately, this is often the case. Bored Boris with the clever Tanya, fed up with business conversations. When a man and a woman are like-minded people, this is wonderful, but still you should not forget about belonging to the fair sex.
So men are arranged - they always want something new. They do not always have the opportunity for this, but on occasion they are not averse. And Boris had opportunities - he is not married, he manages his free time at his own discretion, and he is not limited in finances. And for girls of a certain kind, a non-poor man is a tasty prey.
The man brought the girl home. And she takes out a thermos and tells him with a promising smile: “We’ll just finish our garlic soup ...”
You will learn about what to do so that the beloved is not “taken away” by another in the next chapter.
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