I'm tired of my husband. And I can’t leave and I don’t have the strength to live with him. How to be?
I'm 32. I've been married to my husband for 10 years - we met in my student years, immediately got married. We are raising a beautiful son, he is already 9. Ideal relationship - they loved each other, they were ready for anything, they never complained about mutual understanding, they even quarreled at most because of the color of the cup as a gift to friends - not serious, no scandals, no breaking dishes […]
I am 32. I have been married to my husband for 10 years - we met in my student years, immediately got married. We are raising a beautiful son, he is already 9. Ideal relationship - they loved each other, they were ready for anything, they never complained about mutual understanding, they even quarreled at most because of the color of the cup as a gift to friends - not serious, no scandals, no breaking dishes or insults. Friends considered the ideal family and set an example, they told us many times that it is only thanks to our family that people still believe that true love exists for life. And neither I nor - I'm sure - he never had a desire to go "left", because everything is fine in bed too. He has not stood still for 10 years - he is smart, does everything around the house, his salary is growing, he still manages to allocate time for his family. And to me - everything is so good that it's already sickening!
Probably a year and a half ago, I first thought that I no longer love him, but live with him out of habit. I then flashed one light love - but it doesn’t matter, that person has already disappeared from my life, but the understanding that my husband is no longer interesting to me remains. I don't want to talk to him like before, to tell him something. I don’t want a joint weekend - more and more often we go somewhere together with our son. I don't even want sex. It seems, and he feels it - alertness has appeared in him, he is trying to understand what is happening to me, although I pretend that everything is fine. I just don't see how it could be otherwise. I've been with him almost all my conscious life. I don't want to hurt my son - he loves us both, it will be a terrible blow for him. My parents will say that I have gone completely crazy - they do not have a soul in him, consider him family, understand how he loves me. I can’t make up my mind to break everything, but I can’t continue either - I’m torturing myself, and him, and the child. I lost 7 kg, I drink sedatives. If I leave it, will it be better?
Question to the psychologist:
Married for 10 years, 2 children - daughters 8 and 10 years old. At first, of course, everything was fine, like everyone else, then pregnancy, my husband helped, sometimes he got up at night to feed, rock, work, it was hard for him, but it’s not easy for me either, especially since the children are of the weather. Initially, like everyone else, “I work, it’s hard for me, and you sit at home with the children, do nothing.” Standard for men, they cursed, but didn’t attach any importance .. Probably, the first bell was when contractions began at the first birth, she said how it hurts me, he answered “yes, my guts also hurt something”, that is, “it’s not hard for you alone, no one will take pity on me either.” hard, he either pretends not to notice, or, if I complain, he says, “oh, it’s even worse for me, I feel so bad!!” This summer my dad died, for me it was a lot of stress, my husband climbed with some nitpicking, to which I replied "don't you understand how hard and painful it is for me now, that I should be supported ??" To which I heard, "And what is it like for me! I also worked in such a state!" That is, I, clenching my teeth and not giving vent to tears, chose a coffin, a grave for my father, organized funerals and commemorations, and it was unbearable for him to live at work! At that moment, I was completely disappointed in him, how can you not understand and support your wife in such a situation ?? Not to say a single word of support when it is so needed, and I already openly ask for it all the time !! He only cares about being pitied too! At the second birth, or rather after them, I lay hungry (I gave birth in the morning and by the evening they didn’t put me on food, they took me away unexpectedly, I didn’t take food with me), called him, asked him to bring me at least a bun with milk, to which he I was told "I have already passed home, I will not come back!" The midwife brought me a piece of bread and water, it was so insulting, I had just given birth to a child for him, I was lying in the hospital, one might say defenseless and weakened, later he still brought milk, but is this really a normal attitude towards his wife? And there are many such cases! I had an angina attack, I didn’t know what was wrong with me, it was just very hard to breathe, we were at home, I suggested calling an ambulance, he didn’t react, he was watching a movie! It wasn't up to me! I am not picky, I will give all of myself for the sake of the family, but I also expect the same from him, including care. And I can’t say that he doesn’t love me, our relationship is often even better than many, we walk by the hand, hug and kiss, just such moments often pop up. Even in such important and difficult situations for me, I do not feel support, help and care from him. I often lamented that I did not feel under his protection, that he would help me out if something happened, that I needed support, a man .. He was offended that I did not consider him a man .. The second moment is communication with children. Swearing in front of them or watching movies 16+ is half the trouble. At the age of two, he barked at his daughter that he would “rip out her backbone and throw it out of the balcony” because she wore pantyhose for a long time. At 5-6, that our children are "ungrateful creatures", because they refused to lick the lids of the curds !!! And they already cost 40 rubles! At the age of 8, he shouted to the child that he would "cut it into pieces, put it in bags and bury it in the ground." Moreover, when I remind him WHAT he said to the child, he says that it was nonsense and there was no such thing, then when he manages to prove it, the stage “I didn’t mean it” sets in, when I demand to explain what else can be said with these phrases, he says, that yelled "for me" to get my attention, and I took some action. Third - he terribly needs some kind of attention, he adds to his friends in the social. networks of everyone he has ever seen, congratulates them on their birthday in the expectation that he will be flooded with attention, classes, congratulations, etc. To everyone who can, he talks to me, tells me with pleasure that he did this and that, "but absolutely always still" But Natalya didn’t do it, Natalya got spoiled, but she didn’t succeed .. "He had a childhood he didn’t really have a father or a brother, and he doesn’t have close friends. I assumed that maybe he, as a male, needs to compete and he chose me as a rival, constantly trying to pin me down, get ahead, offend? His mother is also the same , no worries from her, she even sued because of the apartment with her son .. But in public, she’s the most caring woman! Father drank, so her grandmother mainly raised her, her mother lives for herself, she only demanded help from her son, her daughter is also herself as then. They don’t have closeness in the family. Every man for himself. In my case, on the contrary, the family is very close-knit and my husband liked it very much. He said that finally his parents appeared. He wants our family to be friendly, so that at the same time about whom he did not care, and to be loved, praised and proud of him, and at the same time considered the head of the family. He himself is a workaholic, in the morning he is at work, in the evening he builds houses, repairs, he is constantly busy in the yard. I would say that he does not even care about his body, he will work to his own detriment, the main thing is to work .. And he requires the same from us. This is perhaps the fourth. I work in my store every day without days off, he requires me not to work from 11 yet, but from 8 in the morning, although there is no one there, there is nothing to do, and my body can’t stand working without days off. At the same time, I have to take care of the children, the house alone, not disturb him, look good and at the same time be absolutely happy! I tried to explain that it was impossible - to no avail! Lately, I often think about divorce, my health has gone down a lot, it’s hard to endure all this, he’s getting even more crazy, yelling at me in public, blaming me for everything! For absolutely everything! If not for me, then for anyone but him! There is not a single situation where he would be to blame! Accident? - The brakes are to blame, and not he drunk at the wheel! Correspondence love with some girl? He is not to blame, I am to blame, because I pay little attention to him! He will never take the blame and responsibility for the decisions made. Often asks for help to do something for him, and then accuses that he did something wrong, although he himself did not explain what was needed. For example, go pay taxes, then it turned out that I had to take new details from the tax office and pay for them, and not for the old ones! And she should have figured it out! And now he has to suffer to fix it! That is, I am to blame, not him, because I did not say. And it’s always like this, in everything, all the time .. Now I have problems with my heart, blood vessels, after the death of my dad I didn’t have any strength at all, after lunch I already fell down without strength. I’m exhausted, I’m tired of fighting for my family and I think it will only get worse, I’m only 33 and most likely I’ll die with him from the fact that I have enough heart attack, and my husband will have no time to save me, he will watch an interesting video on the Internet! Before, I suspected even he had a mild form of schizophrenia, because a normal person cannot behave like that. What I described is a small fraction of what I observe every day, often says one thing, then it turns out that he did not say this, or said, but not that and not like that. I don’t know what else can be done, is it possible to somehow teach him humanity? After all, just to at least make him take care of us? Is there really a diagnosis for this behavior? He often shouts at me that it’s hard for him to live with me, that I’m inadequate, that I initially got married out of pity and wants to get a divorce, although when the threat of divorce really arose, I got scared, and when I got married I was a popular girl, with a bunch of gentlemen, And he didn't even have friends. They got married because of pregnancy, before that they lived together for a year, they literally didn’t let go of their hands, they are very attached! In general, do you need advice on how to improve relations? And why is he acting like this? It seems to be normal, but then it explodes!
The psychologist Gnatyuk Lyudmila Yurievna answers the question.
Hello, Natalia!
In your letter, you wrote that you were completely disappointed in your husband after the death of your father, when he did not support you. Then a question arises for you: why do you live with a man in whom you are disappointed, from whom you are tired, with an inadequate tyrant with a mild form of schizophrenia? If you endured all this for 10 years, and now you have decided to change it, or at least harbor illusions that you will somehow “re-educate” it, then I will tell you right away that this will not happen. There are no magic pills. In addition, you wrote here and you are not satisfied with the current situation. Therefore, it is necessary to solve the situation with you, and not with him. In 10 years of practice, not a single person has yet come to me with a request to help him / her become better, because he lives with the Prince (Princess), but does not reach this level. Believe me, everyone comes / writes about what a scoundrel lives nearby and “do something with him, because I am so good, I do everything right, but he does not appreciate!”. So ask yourself: if I am such a wonderful woman who knows how to live, then why am I next to him? Or why do I need such a husband? What is he teaching me? But I can’t make a diagnosis in absentia to my husband, give advice, leave or stay with him, make him care / feel, etc. I can’t, I’m not a psychic.
I can suggest you start with yourself. You write that you directly demand support from him, but what exactly do you say? Often we complain, but we think that we are talking about our feelings or needs. For example, you can say "darling, I'm so tired, please give me a massage / help me wash the dishes / put the baby to bed." Or you can put it another way: “I worked like a horse all day, can’t you even wash the dishes / walk the dog / do homework with the child.” Therefore, observe for yourself how you formulate your requests, how do you make it clear that you are tired? But the correct wording is not so bad, although from year to year incorrect words in relation to each other accumulate aggression and resentment in the family.
It is important not only to speak, but also to show your feelings. What are you doing yourself? Disappointed, offended, do not believe in him as a man, but continue to live with him and walk with him by the hand, and kiss. For what? If you don't respect a man, how do you let him into your space? You need to be patient, because children / family / habit - well, be patient and don’t complain then, train the muscle of patience, in this case, the more difficulties, the better it turns out. You started lying to yourself, and now you want him to meet your expectations. They lied from the very beginning, got married through pregnancy, and you demand love and empathy. A disproportionate contribution is obtained! How do you support him, encourage him, how often do you thank your husband?
Natalya, understand one simple thing, if something does not suit us in another person, then we either change our attitude towards this person or his character trait, or we change something in our life so as not to intersect with him anymore. We should not treat another, we should not force him to change, do good to him with our advice and moralizing, we are responsible for ourselves. This is the position of a mature person, if I don’t like something, I review MY life, not his. I do not write off his parents, illnesses, instincts, etc. Take responsibility for your actions. For their feelings, both expressed and swallowed, not expressed.
And you are “not picky”, but you demand, it is very interesting, do you notice others, but not yourself? You give all of yourself and expect the same, but he feels / sees differently. If you ask him what he lacks in family life, then he will probably be dissatisfied with many things too. Those things that you take for granted, for him may be unusual and unfamiliar. So it's foolish to expect the other to guess what I need. If such communication with children is unacceptable for you, then you would have already left on the same day. But you preferred to read morality to him, that it’s so bad to talk, write off the fact that you are tired / sick / inadequate, etc., but mind you, you didn’t do anything !!! Therefore, we accepted this situation, accepted this order of things. Simply put, let it happen in your life and the life of your children and families. You see how interesting it turns out, you yourself don’t communicate with children like that, but you are equally responsible for it. And the behavior pattern “I don’t do this, so it doesn’t concern me, but I’ll tell him that it’s not good to do so” - does not work. Because he is not your son who needs to be taught, he is your husband, you are on an equal footing with him, if the husband does unacceptable things from your point of view in relation to children, then you, as a mother, are obliged to protect them. In this case, you will respect yourself more (that you do not tolerate such an attitude) and your role, as a mother, will play 100%, and will not pretend that this is not your responsibility. Consequently, the lesson for children will also be about how to love, respect, appreciate yourself and what kind of attitude towards yourself is unacceptable! This is how lessons appear in our lives: we are put in circumstances that are unacceptable for us so that we grow up / reach a different level of development, but then we decide what to do. And 90% humble themselves, endure, complain, but do not change anything. And only those who consciously live understand that even if this choice entails some temporary discomfort, it will give positive results in the life perspective.
Therefore, if such a man is with you at the moment, with such an attitude towards you, then you must understand that you yourself allowed this to happen in your life, with your silence, insincerity, and expectations, you only aggravated and rooted this situation. If now she does not suit you, then first of all you need to realize (preferably in writing) everything that you feel in relation to your husband. See how you express these feelings? If these are negative, destructive experiences, then you need to ask for forgiveness for them (but again, you need to grow up to this. Because for the sake of appearances, you don’t need to ask for forgiveness, you need to suffer and realize it). And only then, when you are cleansed of all unspoken emotions, ask for forgiveness, only then will you begin to feel gratitude, sincere gratitude towards your husband and all the experience of your life together.
I also wanted to write a few words about your health. You are only 33, and you already have heart problems. What is the heart in terms of psychosomatics? The heart is our center of life, love and all the feelings that we experience. And these emotions, states are carried throughout our body with the help of blood vessels. Heart problems speak of the inability to love oneself and others, the demand for this love from others, because oneself is not able to give birth to it in one's heart, and therefore is forced to deserve this love. And the vessels can be clamped / deformed / narrowed, etc. as a result of fear, which spasms them, not allowing the energy with blood to relax and flow in a natural way. Hence the question - how do you show your love for yourself, for your loved ones (I don’t write about my husband, because on your part there was no talk of love at all). What are you afraid of? What is this fear stopping you from doing? On the one hand, these are simple questions, but they are very deep and sincere answers to them will clarify a lot.
As an example, I will take a phrase from your own letter, when dad died, you “clenched your teeth and did not give vent to tears” ... Why? After all, if it really hurts and is hard, why hide it? Why can't you allow yourself to be yourself, to be weak, to feel in the end? After all, if you allowed yourself to show all your feelings at that moment, he would have to make decisions and show his masculine self, for the reason that you would be of no use. And if even then he had not done this, then you would have experienced a strong emotion of anger / aggression / hatred, and this is a colossal energy that gives us the charge and strength to change something. You start a whole chain of events this way. I am sure that there are hundreds of such examples in your life, think about why you forbid yourself to feel, why are you trying to be strong, to pull everything on yourself? Indeed, in any couple, balance is important if a woman becomes a man, i.e. performs male tasks, then the man must become a woman, i.e. act in a feminine way. This is exactly what your husband does, paying attention to his feelings, his states, he teaches you how to take care of yourself, how to love yourself and begin to feel. Change yourself, and then he will begin to change, because it all did not start in one day, so analyze what connects you in general, why you need each other.
If you want to talk in more detail, write. I will definitely answer.
4.9565217391304 Rating 4.96 (23 votes)
I don't want anything anymore. I've been crying for five days and can't calm down. It doesn’t seem like a girl anymore, but I can’t pull myself together. I am 52, I live with my constantly drinking husband, in his apartment. There is nowhere to go, but there is no strength to live like this. Every night I go to bed and pray to God to take me away. A drunken husband is very aggressive, it is impossible to please him with anything. It takes out the whole soul. Of my relatives, I have a son and a younger cousin. The son is an adult and lives separately with his wife. I told my husband that I would complain to my son, so he promised to beat me so that it would not seem enough. Yes, and ashamed in front of the son’s wife, she doesn’t know, they were recently married. She has a very good family, parents who do not drink at all and are friendly. My closest friend died in February from cancer. My sister lives far away in another city, she has three small children and is also not very good with her husband. There is nowhere to go, what to do - I do not know. Tired of crying, tired of living, tired of everything. Do not wanna go Home. I'm not hoping for anything, I just wanted to talk.
Support the site:
Margarita, age: 52 / 08/31/2017
Responses:
Rita, if your mother was in such a situation, would you help her? Why do you think that the son will not help? Consult with him. Surely there will be a solution. He is an adult, not a child. Surely he will come to the rescue and help with a trip or rent an apartment for you. If all this is impossible to endure, you should at least try to do something. Believe that everything will work out. God will help and good people will help. Do not despair!
Olya, age: 42 / 08/31/2017
Run away from your husband: try to rent a house and work, but you can’t stand it!
Lech, age: 09/19/2017
Margarita, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are not to blame for anything. You need to leave him, but, of course, you decide. Contact the administration or crisis centers so that you have housing at least for a while. During this time, you can get a job and save up to rent at least a room.
Julia, age: 30 / 09/01/2017
Hello. Margarita, dear, you already have nervous exhaustion, be sure to drink vitamins, vegetables, fruits, greens, juices - include them in your diet. It is better to go to my sister to recover a little, calm down and think. There really aren't many options for your situation. You can rent a room, it's not expensive, if you work, then there shouldn't be any problems at all. In the end, the son can help at least sometimes. A woman I know was also afraid to leave the truth from a roommate who drank and cheated, but she found the strength to rent a house, for only 5 tr plus communes, although her position and salary are not at all big. If you don't work, look elsewhere! Another option is to get to know someone from the nearest village, farm, and then agree - either to look after the example of a social worker with accommodation, or simply live for a small fee and sometimes help with the housework - in the garden, household yard. There are many lonely people who want to communicate, and at least some help. Surely empty houses can be found inexpensively, to get a household, grandchildren will go to fresh air. Check with your son. Regarding the husband - he believes that you will not get away from him, so every day he scoffs more and more. Your decisive action can become an incentive and motivation to get rid of a bad habit, as my grandparents did. Grandmother was tired of her husband's drunkenness and she decided to leave, and at my mother's wedding, grandfather vowed not to drink anymore, only for my grandmother to return. And he kept his word! True, I had to avoid feasts, meetings with old friends, but it was worth it! The motto is not a drop of alcohol, and without extraneous interference (coding and the like). Just the fear of being alone and the desire to seriously quit a bad habit did their job. And I also noticed write - your daughter-in-law's parents, she herself - friendly, good, but believe me, everyone has problems, so don't complex when it's difficult, hard - you don't have to endure and put up, you need to look for a way out and act! If the son's wife is worthy, then she will definitely understand and support. If not, the son must take responsibility. I wish you a speedy overcoming of your problem, you will win!!!
Irina, age: 09/29/2017
Dear Margarita, it is understandable that you think of your son as a child and care about his welfare, but I think he would like to know if his mother needs help. How else to return the filial debt, if not help in a difficult situation? One head is good, but two is better, you can think of something. Firstly, you can get a divorce at any time, because. the situation is unlikely to improve in the future. Don't be afraid of anyone. In no case do not take the role of a victim, fight for yourself. Hugs, hold on.
Anna, age: 36 / 09/01/2017
Do not be shy about your son's wife, you are not the one who drinks. He must stand up for you. After all, he's a son!! A man!! Threaten with compulsory treatment. And don't loosen up! Mine drinks too. If it gets hard, then I can give back, or “treat” with ice water. You don’t need to show that you are afraid. And you walk more! Hold on!
Violet, age: 45 / 09/04/2017
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I'm tired of life. I understand that I will not be able to commit suicide, but I no longer have the strength to live like this. The only thing that stops me is my 4-year-old daughter, whom I have to raise and put on her feet. My depression began after she was born and continues to this day. Its main reason is the eternal lack of money and discord in relations with her husband. I hate my husband and the further I live with him, the stronger this hatred. Before the birth of my daughter, my husband was the main child in our family, he got all my care and attention (I had to say beautiful words to him, rub my back in the bathroom every day, cook all sorts of goodies and put everything on a plate, feed from a spoon, please in bed, etc.). After the birth of the child, I began to wait and ask for help from my husband - both moral and material. And he did not understand that it was hard for me, but remained the same dependent and lazy child as before. But the most annoying thing is that I'm still for him - only the attendants, and not the second half. Communication between us occurs only through our daughter, we are completely strangers, we don’t discuss anything, we don’t share anything with each other, because it’s not interesting for him. Going somewhere for him together with his daughter is a real test, he is just bored. Husband's favorite pastime is lying on the couch or drinking beer with friends or brother. For 4 years we lived in a rented apartment, during this time the parents, neither on my side nor on his side, never helped us either financially or physically - to sit or take a walk with the child. The whole life is completely on me. My mother and mother-in-law only a couple of times sat with the child on sick leave. There is no help from her husband either, he receives a small salary, in the decree there was only enough money for food and payment of rent. A year ago, I went to work and we took out a mortgage in housing under construction, we moved two months ago. The apartment has bare walls, no furniture or appliances. I thought he would try to somehow earn more and arrange life. But now there is only enough money for food and a mortgage. All my salary goes to pay the mortgage, my husband's salary is not enough even for a month, I have to borrow from friends. I myself cannot find a higher paying job, although I tried, but there the schedule is either 2 through 2, or every day you have to work until 9 pm. Besides me, there is no one else to pick up the child from the kindergarten, so I continue to work at the old place for a penny. At the same time, the husband manages to financially help his married brother, who lives with his parents and whose income is 2 times higher than that of her husband, moreover, the brother also steals at work. Constant quarrels with my husband because of this, he began to go to his parents more often for the whole weekend. We cannot live with either my parents or his parents - they are categorically against it. She asked her husband for a divorce, he is silent and does not leave, but the situation does not change in any way. I cry every day. I can't see my husband when he comes home from work, he just disgusts me.
Support the site:
Mouse, age: 30 / 01/25/2015
Responses:
Hello, why ask him for a divorce, file for divorce herself - this is not life, but hard labor! Hold on don't give up
Meela, age: 37 / 01/25/2015
Honey, you have to live for the sake of your daughter. There is no one to take care of her except you. If everything is so terrible, if there is nothing left between you and your husband, it is better to get a divorce, not torturing yourself or him. You can file for divorce yourself. If you have a place to live, a place to go, leave. Deal with mortgages. Of course, it’s very difficult for you mentally now, I understand. But it does get worse. Your husband doesn’t drink black, doesn’t beat you, doesn’t morally humiliate you, doesn’t forcibly hold you back. Think well, and if the truth doesn’t stick together, then leave. Nothing, time will pass and you can take it easy. Happiness to you and love!
Maria, age: 01/26/2015
File for child support. You can do this even if you are married. I advise you to do this because, even if you file for divorce, you have to wait for it. And at this time, too, money is needed for the maintenance of the child. Alimony can be determined in a fixed amount, it can be in% of the salary. If the husband has an official salary, then it is better in%. Consult with a lawyer. And what the relatives will say - do not think. They live their lives, and you live yours, and don't pay attention to who says what.
Your husband is an egocentric. These usually don't change. In the following relationship, please do not allow such an attitude towards a man: build a relationship of two equal partners.
You will not be able to "pull" the mortgage on your own, sell it. It is better to rent a room in a small, quiet apartment than to take on an unbearable burden and overstrain. Live here and now.
Do not despair. Take action. The road will be mastered by the walking one.
Oletta, age: 45 / 01/26/2015
Hello. Why ask your husband for a divorce?
You need to go and file for divorce yourself.
File for child support and have him pay it. You look like that and your brother will stop helping.
And to leave her husband, too, and not wait until he leaves. He doesn't force you.
Talk to your mother, ask to live with her daughter (without her husband). Will he refuse?
Everything about your problem is solvable, so don't be discouraged.
mj , age: 01/37/2015
Hello,
You can get a divorce. If he is against it, then the divorce may be delayed, but they will divorce you anyway. You can temporarily live with your parents. there will probably be more time to spend. Your only difficulty is probably to figure out the mortgage. If you can figure it out, then the rest is just a fear of the unknown, change. it can still change 100 times, you never know who you will meet and what kind of work you will find. Life is yours and no one will make a decision for you. Sometimes it’s easier to make a decision and live with its consequences (both negative and positive) than to rack your brains over endless dilemmas. Take a sheet of paper, divide it in half and write down all the pros and cons of divorce. Do not forget that living with a husband with whom you are unhappy, you deprive yourself of the opportunity to meet someone with whom you can be happy.
sk , age: 35 / 01/26/2015
Little mouse, you can get a divorce, of course ... But first think hard: are you ready to live the rest of your life as a single woman in rented housing? Look how many lonely people are around. Do not listen to their bravado, they say, it is wonderful to live alone, you are your own mistress. Howling into the pillow at night - after all, no one can hear it. Loneliness is not for everyone. And you need to be ready for him, there are fewer and fewer men of the right age for you, and all of them have shortcomings - not with one, but with another. A good family man, an attentive husband is most often not a breadwinner. A rich pinocchio is most often an inattentive, to put it mildly, husband. And your daughter in general is unlikely to be needed by a strange uncle, even the most beautiful.
Mouse, before the birth of a child, you pampered and cared for your husband. Now, as I understand it, he is completely deprived of this. This is also not the case. We must look for compromises, we must strive not to impose our own, but to understand the other - why discord? What and how can be corrected? You can start to correct, but from your side. Do whatever you can. Act as if you still love your husband and want to take care of him. Don't break your husband. He will correct himself under your influence, an example of your good behavior and a wise attitude to problems, family, relatives, but not under pressure. I'm sure your husband is not hopeless.
Not enough money? Nothing to eat? At all? Or is it still enough for bread-porridge-milk? You have to live on the money you have. Most often, ordinary envy interferes with this. The desire to have more and better than is. If the situation is really catastrophic, you can turn to people for help. The rector of the nearest church will never refuse to help you with food, and maybe even help you a little with money. There are many charitable foundations. There are sections on Orthodox websites and forums where people offer their help, they can help with things and furniture, and provide financial support. Just start looking for help - it will definitely come.
Myshulya, do you believe in God? Are you in church? You can also ask for help from the Mother of God in family matters, and from the saints. And this is so effective that it is simply amazing from the outside. Take a look at this forum thread for example:
Cheer up, our dear Mouse, seek help from God, and He will arrange your life in the best possible way.
Maria, age: 51 / 01/26/2015
Hello dear sister!
Maybe you shouldn't get divorced? It so seems that it will be easy, and maybe even worse. And it will be difficult for the child if she does not have a dad.
Try to change yourself. We all have this problem: we see other people's mistakes, but we don't see our own. But almost always the cause of our problems is our mistakes. Try to be a good wife yourself, forgive, do not scold, endure, love. And of course, pray for your spouse to God, so that He will enlighten him.
Read this book by Elder Paisios, especially the second chapter.
http://www.truechristianity.info/books/paisiy_words_volume4.pdf
I wish you God's help!!!
Victoria, age: 20/26.01.2015
We must get rid of such a sad state of mind. To sober up, I advise you to read the forum nelubit.ru
You can't change another person. We can only change ourselves.
Many claims against her husband are not entirely clear (and they, most likely, are also incomprehensible to him). You say that before he was pampered in every way, caressed and fed almost from a spoon. Didn't you do it out of love? Didn't you try to do it because you love him? Where did your love go?
Let the husband have flaws. Don't you personally have them?
Now there are a lot of men, maybe even the majority, especially of our generation, who are underdeveloped in terms of independence. Such was their upbringing. But it also depends on you how your husband will develop further - whether he has a desire to change for you or he will lie on the couch. Only affection, only love, patience. Start small. Ask your husband to do something elementary - to nail or wash the dishes, and then you need to thank him and praise him for doing a very big job, how good it is for you now, what a fine fellow he is.
Imagine how unpleasant it is for your husband to see your offended, dissatisfied and crying face every day. Nothing can be achieved by this.
Have you told him that you want attention? What exactly do you need? Did you list specific actions that he must perform in order to make you happy? He can't read minds.
After all, this is your family, you have to build it. Nothing will happen on its own.
Margarita, age: 30 / 01/27/2015
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She did this, but the attitude and feeling did not change towards her husband. We lived for four months, and for the 3rd month of living I went to sleep in the room with the children, I can’t forcibly force myself to sleep with him, kiss and hug him, and I don’t like his kisses and hugs, I don’t like to be near him and sleep in the same room and in the apartment. I feel good and calm when he is not next to me, I don’t miss or miss, on the contrary, I rejoice in my thoughts when he goes to work on the night shift. I live with him so far only for the sake of the children and their well-being, and I have no income of my own. I communicate with him only on everyday and children's topics, I'm not interested in what he has at work, how he is doing, in short, complete indifference and indifference. I know children need a complete family: mom and dad, if I divorce my husband, I will deprive him of cohabitation with children, and my father’s children, and I feel sorry for him, and the children, and my conscience torments me, as I later tell the children why dad doesn’t lives with us.… What I think about my feelings and love is selfishness, I know. My brother said to me: 《if you gave birth to children, then you need to forget about your feelings and ambitions and raise children, and then when they grow up, then do what you want》…
Now I’m thinking about everything, I don’t know what to do, I became very irritable, aggressive, I take it out on the children, but you can’t do this, take out your emotions on the children, then I scold and punish myself for it. I’m afraid of the condemnation of his relatives, neighbors, that she got divorced, couldn’t save her family ... But I can’t force myself to sleep with him through force, is it like violence against myself, or is it worth it to endure all this for the sake of children, and wait until they grow up? .. What to do next, I don’t know ... And now my heart is not calm, it’s just torn into 2 parts, from the fact that I don’t decide what to do ....
I don't want to live with my husband anymore, I killed all the feelings in me
Hello Hope.You write that you do not know what to do, you are trying to decide what would be better - a divorce or continuing to live together until the time when the children grow up. Let's look at your situation. At this stage:
I don’t want to live with my husband anymore, I killed all the feelings in me.
I can’t forcibly force myself to sleep with him, kiss and hug him, and I don’t like his kisses and hugs, I don’t like being next to him and sleeping in the same room and in the apartment.
There was an attempt to change the attitude towards your husband on your part, but nothing happened. You do not write what was the reason for such a relationship, did you and your husband have conversations about how to try to fix them, who and what did not suit the relationship, what can be done to change the relationship. And, of course, the actions must be both, that is, both partners must want to change the relationship, only then these changes are possible.
What I think about my feelings and love is selfishness, I know.
This is what your brother thinks. Do you agree with him? Do you think that you should forget about your feelings? For how long? Forever? And then what will happen to you next? An increase in aggression, anger, irritation, dissatisfaction with life. And what will children be like next to such a mother?
What you think about your feelings and love is not selfishness, these are normal human desires. But your attempts to forget about it, suppress it just lead to the fact that you
I became very irritable, aggressive, I take it out on the children, but you can’t do this, take out your emotions on the children, then I scold and punish myself for it.
Will such tension in relationships at home lead to aggression in children?
Now we can look at the possible development of events in the event of a divorce and in the event that everything is left as it is (Are you considering trying to improve relations with your husband?).
At divorce. You write that you have no income of your own. But, when you can send your children to kindergarten, you can go to work. And now the husband will have to pay child support. Yes, the children will not live together with the father, but no one bothers him to communicate with the children, play, walk with them, that is, the children will not be deprived of communication with the father. And the children will have both a mother and a father.
I feel good and calm when he is not next to me, I don’t miss or miss, on the contrary, I rejoice in my thoughts when he goes to work on the night shift.
That is, even when the husband leaves for work, you are already calmer. Will you have the same irritation and aggression after a divorce as when you live together? And another important point - your relationship with your husband is seen by the children, and if they still do not understand everything, then they feel how the parents treat each other. And if this is coldness, indifference, and maybe scandals, then do children need such an environment in the house? After all, they have anxiety, fear, insecurity.
If you force yourself to live together further, then your condition is unlikely to improve - it is impossible to force yourself to endlessly put up with what you don’t like, to suppress yourself. After all, this will lead to even greater your irritation and aggression. Again, the question is - how is it for you? And for children?
I am afraid of the condemnation of his relatives, neighbors, that she divorced, could not save her family ...
And your condition and a calm environment for children are less important than other people's conversations? And if your family does not survive, are you alone responsible for this? After all, two people are always responsible for relationships in the family.
But I can’t force myself to sleep with him through force, is it like violence against myself, or is it worth it to endure all this for the sake of the children, and wait until they grow up? ..
No need to force yourself, why this violence? Endure for the sake of children? And what will the children see? What is the relationship of the parents? Mom's annoyance? Her sacrifices for them?
Try to take a closer look at your options. Feel in one situation, then in another. Having analyzed all the options in more detail, it will be easier for you to make a decision that suits you.
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