Good day to you, dear readers! Last time I wrote about how to persuade a spouse. Today we will go further: what to do if the husband does not want a second child? Or third? If he has already "sipped" all the difficulties of fatherhood and does not want to hear about a new pregnancy?

This situation is significantly different from the one discussed in the previous article. What exactly?

• you already have a child. The item "to become a father" has already been completed. Many men are sure that one baby in the family is enough;
• A man already knows what a small child is. And he perfectly understands what restrictions are imposed on your life;
• The “housing problem” begins to acquire great importance;
• The man is sure that after the birth of the second baby, all costs will double;
• A man sees how little time you have left after the birth of a baby. And he is afraid that with two you will completely forget your marital duties.

Do you really need a second child?

Having one child is a necessity. In most cases, people need children. It is very rare to hear a statement that a person is not going to have children for the rest of his life. Usually, the only question is when it is better to get pregnant.

But everyone's idea of ​​a family is different. And it would be better to find out before the wedding. After all, this question is one of the most important: how do you see your family? How do you imagine living together? However, it happens that a man supported your dreams of having many children only until the first child appeared. Or vice versa, initially you planned only one baby, and then suddenly “got the taste”.

What to do? The first thing to understand is that your spouse is not obligated to give you a second child. And if he, as the head of the family, is categorically against it, you will have to put up with it. In the end, happiness is not in the number of children. And in a relationship ... You can live with one offspring in boundless happiness and love. So that all large families will envy. And vice versa...

However, in most cases, the spouse does not decide on the appearance of a new family member not because of strong inner convictions. And because of your mistakes... Or because of your own unjustified fears. And this can be corrected.

Men's fears

First, about the most simple. What fears are really justified? As a rule, our husbands worry about finances. And here it is important to highlight several aspects:

• with one child you can live in a one-room apartment. Not an ideal situation, but tolerable. But giving birth to a second without the prospect of improving conditions is much worse.
• not all things from the elder can easily pass to the younger. This is especially true for shoes ... Not all children's shoes can withstand two seasons. What if the children are of different sexes?
• medicine, various sections, vacation trips will now cost much more.

However, you can still save a lot here. Calculate together with your spouse how much money you will need additionally for a second baby? If you do not buy everything new, but take something from friends or buy at a big discount?

To be honest, we never bought clothes for our youngest son. But the eldest daughter walks in everything new. And in general, at the moment, all spending on my son is only diapers and slings. And a cheap stroller (you could have taken the old one, but I decided to treat myself to this purchase). Oh yes, sometimes we also take the baby to an osteopath, but this is not necessary at all.

Woman's behavior

My experience and the experience of my friends shows that all obstacles can dissolve by themselves if a woman takes the right position. This is useful not only for the sake of conceiving children. It does not matter what reasons force the husband to refuse you the desired pregnancy. Surprisingly, there is an exit ...

There is a high probability (though not 100%) that the spouse will agree to the next baby if you:

1. Become more feminine ("").
2. Learn.
3. Improve your relationship and rapport with your husband.
4. Learn to pay more attention to your spouse, despite the presence of the first child.
5. Be happy now.

In other words, try to be the best wife for him. You will develop as a woman and as a mother. If everything in your family is just gorgeous, complete mutual understanding, harmony and happiness, your spouse will find a way to fulfill your dream of new children. Find a way to make more money. Will be able to come to terms with the upcoming difficulties and sleepless nights associated with the appearance of the baby.

In addition, if the refusal of the spouse is caused by objective reasons, you will stop worrying. You will be just happy in the family that you have. Isn't that what it takes?

conclusions

The point is not to find some magic argument in favor of having a second child. My advice is about something else. You have to invest in the relationship as much as possible. And in myself. You have to be the one that inspires a man to be a knight, take responsibility, set new goals... I myself went through all this. Indeed, after the appearance of the eldest daughter, the husband categorically did not want to increase the number of children.

The action plan is:

• start actively taking care of yourself. Have you begun to look “not very good” on maternity leave? Then do not be surprised that they dream of sending you to work;
• learn - this will increase his desire to take responsibility;
• figure it out;
• understand what your chosen one lacks (affection? Praise? Care?) and give it to him;
• watch your speech and gentleness;
• I strongly recommend that you go through some kind of training program. It could be a free school SHZHS” (if you are able to organize yourself) or paid course Masha Nathan if you need guidance.

I hope I was able to cover our topic as fully as possible. If you have any questions - ask. I relied on my experience. And I will also be glad if one of the readers shares their case - how could you persuade your spouse to conceive a second child?

All men are different, so some of them gladly accept the news of the upcoming fatherhood or plan it taking into account modern conditions, while others are looking for a reason to delay this event or avoid it altogether. There is no single answer to the question of what is the root of these different behavioral patterns. It affects upbringing, the values ​​instilled in the family, the level of self-awareness, and so on. Whatever it was, but in the end it is we women who have to deal with the nuances that arise when we want to have children. And often the wife should show miracles of persuasion in order to persuade her husband to the need to acquire a new father status for him.

You and your husband have an ideal relationship: he loves, gives gifts and protects you, you spend every vacation together, relaxing at sea or abroad. You are happy together and only one thing overshadows your life - his unwillingness to have children. You are at a loss: why does he not want a child? Let's try to figure out why modern men are in no hurry to acquire offspring. There are several explanations why our husbands do not want or, more precisely, do not dare to have a first child in the family.

Firstborn: why does the husband hesitate?

One of the reasons is psychological incompatibility. It is likely that your spouse, despite the complete idyll in bed, does not find other common ground in relations with you. This situation is often found among couples who married too young and got it wrong. They just legalized their sex life and completely forgot that the family is, first of all, a partnership in everything, and not just regular lovemaking. With certain efforts on the part of the newlyweds, the situation can be completely corrected if, at the heart of the marriage, there were nevertheless sincere and warm feelings towards each other.

If your union has a decent record, and the spouse is still not ready to replenish the family, there may be several reasons for this at once of a different nature. Firstly, a man, regardless of his age, whether he is 20, 30 or even 40 years old, tends to remain a child himself, in need of affection, care and attention. Secondly, your husband may think that he is still too young and has not "worked up", so you first need to live for yourself for some time. Thirdly, he may simply be afraid of responsibility. So, here are the main excuses that men express in an attempt to delay the onset of fatherhood.

• Material unavailability

As a rule, this one is mentioned more often than others. If the spouse is not ready to become a father, he will give a lot of arguments. Usually it can be uncertainty about the future, lack of an apartment, car or well-paid job. In most cases, all these are just words behind which the fear of future responsibility is hidden. After all, it is easiest to say that there are simply no financial opportunities for the appearance of a child than to look for them.

• The wife is not ready to become a mother

Some men may actually believe that the spouse is not yet ready to become a mother. However, in fact, often they themselves are not ready for fatherhood, and they do not have the courage to admit it. But sometimes it happens that the unwillingness of a woman to perform certain household duties and shifting the bulk of them onto the shoulders of her husband is direct evidence for him that a wife cannot cope with a child either. Therefore, there is no reason for his appearance in the family.

• The wife is not worthy to be the mother of his child

Of course, not every man dares to voice this very strange opinion. As a rule, the reason for this is the reason why the man got married. Usually, the representatives of the stronger sex marry either for love or for convenience, as well as from hopelessness. There are frequent cases when in a marriage for selfish motives the appearance of offspring is not considered mandatory, and in some cases even undesirable.

How to awaken a paternal instinct in a man? If the spouse is not ready for fatherhood for financial reasons, try to explain to him that after all, there is always not enough money, that the desired prosperity can be expected until old age. It is much more difficult to cope with the psychological unpreparedness of a spouse to become a father. Talk to your husband about his priorities in life. If he believes that a child can interfere with his career, then make sure that the birth of a baby will not affect his promotion in any way, because you will take on a significant part of the care.

If your husband thinks that it is too early for you to have offspring, ask him a completely reasonable question: “When, in your opinion, will it not be too early?” Often, parents become ready to raise a baby after his birth. Therefore, you can safely use this argument for a difficult discussion with your husband. If the reasoning and behavior of your man do not lend themselves to any common sense and logic, think carefully about whether it is worth spending your strength and nerves on creating a family nest with such a representative of the stronger sex.

Second child: why does the husband not want?

But it often happens that the birth of the first child for a young family becomes, as it were, a matter of course. Most modern fathers are happy to accept the appearance of their son or daughter, enthusiastically rush to the aid of their young wife, walk with a stroller on weekends and even replace it at night if the baby is naughty and does not allow rest. It would seem that the drawn picture is just perfect. But time passes, the child grows up, and the woman is increasingly visited by the idea of ​​giving birth to a brother or sister.

You again look with tenderness at mothers with strollers, remember the indescribable sensations that you experienced while rocking a newborn in your arms, your state of pregnancy when you were in endless harmony with the world and yourself, and those emotions that you experienced when you first saw your baby ... And you ask yourself: “Why not?” This means that the maternal instinct spoke in you with renewed vigor. It remains only to convince the spouse for a second attempt at procreation. What difficulties await you, why do women often face a situation where the husband does not want a second child?

• "We can't afford it!"

You are lucky if the daughter was the first in your family. Many representatives of the stronger sex, according to biological law, tend to leave behind strong male offspring, which is why they themselves often insist on the birth of another child in the hope that he will turn out to be a son. This does not mean at all that the appearance of a second daughter will greatly disappoint your spouse and he will not love her, unless, of course, we are talking about a normal person with a healthy psyche. After all, he perfectly understands that the sex of the unborn child cannot be “ordered”.

Most of the problems associated with the birth of a second baby, have families where the boy is already growing up. But many women so want to have a daughter. But why does the husband say a firm "no"? Probably, in this case, the significance of the well-known attitude affects: a man is supposed to “give birth” to a son, build a house and plant a tree. Since its first point is considered fulfilled, the head of the family tries to focus all his efforts on the implementation of the remaining two. And then the wife declares that she would like to become a mother again. And then the hackneyed phrase sounds in response: “Honey, we can’t afford it.”

Many women who have faced just such an argument have come out of the situation with honor and found the happiness of motherhood again when they calmly and judiciously described to their spouse a picture of future expenses. Indeed, the appearance of another child in the family most often requires much smaller financial investments than it was in the case of the firstborn. As a rule, there are many items and things left from the older baby: a crib, playpen, stroller, clothes, shoes, and so on. Unless, of course, you still planned to become a mother again and prudently did not sell or give away all your dowry. Therefore, simply and intelligibly explain to your spouse your own view of things.

Perhaps your firm and reasoned position will make your husband think. It would also not be out of place to resurrect joint memories of how many wonderful moments the birth of your first child gave you both, his first smile, babble, timid steps ... Men are not without sentimentality, especially in relation to their own offspring. But think for yourself whether you can handle it if, for example, you don’t have your own housing, because it’s very difficult to constantly move with two children. Do you have your own apartment and a permanent source of income? Give examples of families where two or three kids are growing up, and the income is lower than what you have. It is likely that after a while the spouse himself will offer: "Why don't we try number two?"

• “I don’t want to change anything!”

It also happens that the first child took a lot of strength from both of you, for example, due to poor health. At some point, you moved away from each other, did not rest together for a long time, constantly faced the problem of finding additional sources of income. Of course, as the child grew up, some issues were resolved, more freedom appeared, intimate relationships again began to bring joy to both of you, that is, a fertile period of peace began in the family.

The husband finally relaxed and began to enjoy communication with the firstborn, that is, to fully enjoy the delights of fatherhood. And here you are with the desire to start all over again: sleepless nights, tears, fatigue, lack of time for yourself, and so on. It's easy to predict his reaction: "No, I'm not ready, period." But wise women have the ability to convince - use it and choose exactly those words that can make your spouse soften. For example, say that a child is different for a child, and it is not at all necessary that the second baby will be as restless as the firstborn. Promise that you will not restrict your husband in his freedom, of course, within reasonable limits.

But before you say all this, consider whether you are ready for the fact that the spouse probably really will not be able to help with the same strength due to the need to devote more time to work. He will certainly need rest, that is, most of the daily household chores will fall on your shoulders. Are you sure that your maternal instinct is stronger than the upcoming difficulties? Great, then convince your husband of this so that he believes you.

If both you and your spouse have brothers or sisters with whom a warm relationship has been maintained, then this can also become a weighty argument in favor of having another child. Say, for example: “How I would like our child to have a close and dear person, besides us!”. But in no case do not resort to an ultimatum: "I give birth and that's it!". The consequences can be very unpleasant to hit you. And the baby already growing up in the family will become a witness to quarrels.

• “Deceit is not a reason to become a father again!”

So we come to the most dangerous reason why a man does not want to become a father for the second time. She lies in lies. Yes, yes, often we women use all means to achieve what we want, and if persuasion does not help, then we try to get pregnant by fraudulent means. Time that we started or continue to take birth control pills, secretly visit a gynecologist in order to remove the spiral, and so on. Some especially resourceful ladies even pierce condoms. And in such cases, we are no longer talking about the maternal instinct, but rather an attempt to more tightly tie a spouse to oneself with double paternity. But by doing so, you pin him to the wall, make it clear that the opinion and desires of your husband are the last thing you care about.

That is why women who become pregnant through deceit face a sharp “no” and a categorical demand to have an abortion, otherwise the spouse threatens to leave the family altogether. An absurd and tragic situation, you will agree. Therefore, you should not lie and use dishonest ways to give birth to a child, because families with a large number of children break up. It is best if the man himself makes the decision to become a father for the second time (of course, not without your help). Turn the situation in such a way that it is he who initiates your new pregnancy, because, it turns out, he himself has long wanted another child. So the husband will feel like a real head of the family, thereby increasing his measure of responsibility to you and the children.

• "I don't want surprises!"

But situations are not very rare when a second pregnancy occurs unexpectedly for both spouses. And if a woman most often experiences joy from this news, then a man is not so optimistic. Yes, it happens that in this case, for no apparent reason, he insists on an abortion. You are at a loss: there is an apartment, a car, the eldest child has already grown up, grandparents on both sides are rushing with the advent of another baby, promising all-round assistance, and there seem to be no obstacles to replenishing the family ... And the husband is not in any.

What is behind this behavior? Perhaps you have recently begun to quarrel more, the family has ceased to resemble a safe haven, and he is simply afraid that with the advent of another baby, everything will only get worse. There is only one way out - to improve relations with your spouse, and the sooner the better. Say "no" to scandals, surround your husband with attention and care, perhaps this way he will quickly come to terms with the fact of a new pregnancy.

In a prosperous family, there are no particular difficulties, the relationship is quite harmonious, but he still insists on an abortion, despite the staunch resistance on your part? This is the most difficult moment, because the life of the unborn child and the very fact of marriage are on the scales. In this case, only the woman will have to decide. And this should be approached with all responsibility.

Of course, most often it happens that at first the negatively minded spouse does not show any emotions in connection with the wife’s re-pregnancy, but over time he gradually gets used to this thought and rejoices with her at the first jolts of the crumbs in the mother’s womb. And later, it is this child that causes especially warm feelings from the father. But there are exceptions to the rule, when a man who does not want to become a dad again threatens his wife with divorce if she does not agree to an abortion.

If you are confident in your husband's feelings for yourself, then try to convince him that you are right. Insist that you have no idea how you can kill the fruit of your common love, because it will be just as similar to you or your spouse as the older child. Tell us about the complications that are hidden behind the abortion, that if in the future the husband changes his mind and asks to have a second baby himself, you can hear from the doctors: “No, this, unfortunately, is no longer possible for you.” And no matter how much he wanted then, the child will no longer be. Tell her that your spouse's stubbornness means only that he does not value your own life at all, not to mention the unborn baby. It is possible that such arguments will be able to properly influence your husband, and you will become happy parents for the second time.

But something else can happen: the marriage will break up, and you will be left alone with two kids. Weigh all the possible consequences and wisely approach the solution of the child or divorce dilemma. Although it is not uncommon for women who decide to have an abortion under the influence of their husbands, in the end they themselves become the initiators of divorce. Indeed, in the subconscious mind, the idea is forever rooted that at the most crucial moment they were betrayed by a loved one, putting their own interests at the forefront and sacrificing the health of their spouse.

• “I won’t be able to do much already!”

This is exactly what mature men think, on whom the news of the impending opportunity to become a father for the second time falls. They feel like they don't have time for it. Such experiences and hesitations are quite understandable and justified, because the child will require a lot of strength, both emotional and physical. Not in last place in this situation is the financial situation of the family, because money is needed not only for the period of growing up a son or daughter, but also for their education. But the age of the father may by that time become a hindrance to earnings. Men "over forty" are also concerned that the age difference with the unborn child will be very large, which will prevent the establishment of normal relations with him. How to convince your husband to take a chance and once again experience the happiness of fatherhood?

First of all, talk with him about your own experiences: about how much you want to use your last chance for motherhood, about love for the unborn baby. Don't be afraid to voice the concerns that often accompany later pregnancy and childbirth. But emphasize that you are ready to risk for the sake of the opportunity to become a mother again, in order to again follow the first steps of the baby, hear him babble, take him to first grade ... Give examples of famous people who were not afraid of fatherhood at more than mature age. Show gentleness and understanding, radiate confidence and peace, and it is quite possible that your determination and steadfastness will resonate in the heart of your spouse, and his “no” will turn into “risk, beloved.”

In conclusion, I would like to note that planning this event helps to avoid most of the problems associated with the birth of another child in the family. Modern life is incredibly changeable, so one should not be surprised at the indecision of most families in this matter. Adequate parents understand that the fact of birth itself does not mean anything, because a child needs a lot of things, even when he becomes an adult. Often, the mere desire to re-experience the happiness of motherhood or fatherhood is not enough; it is important to understand the full measure of responsibility that arises in connection with the appearance of children in the family.

But at the same time, you should not be especially pessimistic, constantly tormented by doubts, because time is running out forever, and missed opportunities can no longer be made up. Therefore, dear readers, love your husbands and do everything necessary to ensure that they see in you the very women who are simply obliged to give birth to their son or daughter. And not one, but as many as you yourself want and can grow.

Many men are afraid that they will not pull it, especially if the material well-being of the family leaves much to be desired. Yes, it is understandable - the unstable situation in the world, the crisis, unemployment ... You will have to go on maternity leave, which means that only the husband will have to earn money for the family. He may have to get a second job or find a part-time job. The only thing you can do in this case is to think carefully and push your own until financial opportunities improve. And you should not forget about the housing issue - you will have to change the living space, because with two children it is already crowded to live in a one-room apartment or a two-room apartment.

To give birth to a second and subsequent children, when the family is barely making ends meet - this is selfishness on the part of parents.

It used to be everyone helped everyone, but now everything is paid. Children are an expensive pleasure and their birth should not be based only on “I want!”, “But Lenka gave birth to a second and nothing!”, “Mom says that a family with one child is not a full-fledged family”, “Everyone asks me - when we go for the second, and I have nothing to answer ... The birth of children should be supported by a reliable financial position.

SECOND CHILD: HUSBAND DOESN'T WANT TO CHANGE ANYTHING

It happens that the first child took both of you a lot of strength and energy, because he was restless and had some. It is clear that the husband wants to live in peace, for himself, to spend more time with you, and not listen to the daily cry of the baby and not get enough sleep. You don't have to blame him for this.

Everyone wants to relax, so your spouse, as the first-born grows older, relaxed, got used to it and began to enjoy fatherhood, and you want to break off all the buzz for him with the second child.

The only thing you can do is promise your husband that you will not restrict his freedom and attract him to. But before you promise this, consider whether you alone can cope with a newborn, fulfill and take care of a second child? If your maternal instinct is stronger than difficulties, you will be able to convince your husband for a second child. Only then do not complain that your spouse does not help you, and you pull the family and life on your own.

WHY ONE CHILD IS ENOUGH

In a man’s head, a completely well-established moral foundation could be created in the form that one child is enough, that it’s easier to live this way, you bear less responsibility, more free time is left to yourself. This is especially true for families where a boy was born first and men who themselves grew up in a family without brothers and sisters.

They do not understand how great it is when a child has someone to play with, someone to rely on other than their parents and someone to ask for advice.

Or maybe, on the contrary, the man grew up in a very large family, where the younger brothers and sisters bore older brothers and sisters, that there was always not enough money for anything, that there was also not enough parental attention for children, so the man decided that he did not want a repetition of his fate for their children.

SECOND CHILD: THE HUSBAND DOES NOT WANT TO, BECAUSE THE FIRST BURDEN

Many men do not want to have a second child, because they have cooled off towards their spouse and for them it is more of a burden than a desired and long-awaited offspring. It is difficult to do anything here, the only thing you can do is to carefully and subtly work on his life settings.

And it’s better to ask a psychologist for help with this question - he will definitely find common ground with her husband and change his mind in relation to children.

HUSBAND DOES NOT WANT A SECOND CHILD: PSYCHOLOGIST'S ADVICE

The first thing to do is talk to your husband. Without shouting, ultimatums, blackmail and tantrums. Calmly evaluate and weigh everything. A conversation can change a lot - just as a husband may want a second child, so can you refuse this idea.

Remind your husband that the baby won't arrive the next day and that it takes time for the baby to be born. Many men forget about it, but 9 months is quite a long time for which you can prepare for everything.

Since you already have your first child, most things for a newborn do not need to be bought at all. Surely you still have strollers, a crib, a high chair, a bath, toys, clothes, an arena and other things necessary for children. Tell your husband about it, because it will seriously relieve the financial condition.

Reassure your husband that you will not love him less. Let him not be afraid to become unnecessary and get in the way. After all, you somehow coped with the first child, and you will cope with the second. Yes, it will be difficult, but the main thing is to do everything together and not leave each other in difficult times.

HUSBAND DOES NOT WANT A SECOND CHILD: HOW TO GET PREGNANT

When persuasion, arguments, advice and consultation of psychologists do not help, you can resort to women's tricks. This can only be done if you are sure that your husband will not send you for an abortion. Yes, this happens too.

How many women find themselves in this situation! The theme of the husband's unwillingness to have a second child- very often rises on women's forums on the Internet. And when a woman presents this problem, her virtual interlocutors give a variety of advice: from a complete rejection of their own aspirations to deception of their other half. Today we will look at a few typical stories and try to find ways out of these difficult situations.

glue the cup

Lyuba and Viktor have been together for three years. They have a two-year-old Pashka. But all is not well in the family haven. For several months now, the quarrels of the spouses have become almost daily. The word “divorce” slipped through several times ... But Lyuba did not want a divorce! She loved Victor, and they also bought an apartment together and have been paying off the loan so far. And if there is a divorce, then how to share everything? How about Pashka? A lot of questions stood in front of Any. But then an interesting thought came into her head: what if she gives birth to another baby? He and Vitya will again rejoice at the first smiles, steps, words, and there will be no time to quarrel. “Yes, and he will not dare to leave me with two children,” - no, no, and it flashed through Lyuba’s head. Choosing one of the moments of calm, she voiced her desire to give birth to another baby. And this led to another quarrel with a showdown. Victor was categorical: the second child will now be superfluous in their family. And before Any there was a question what to do...

Should I do a second one? child"glue" that should hold the family together? For many women, this option seems to be quite correct. They count on a man's sense of duty, on his decency. They hope that the first toothless smile will melt his heart. Are these hopes justified? Definite answer: NO. A child, neither the first nor the second, cannot (and should not!) Be a means of keeping a man. Hopes for a sense of duty and decency very often remain only hopes. A man, feeling that he was “deceived” in some way, may generally refuse to communicate with a woman and a child. The woman experiences a whole storm of emotions, realizing that the bets are lost. The kid, "not working", becomes unnecessary. And the share of the unloved child unenviable: he will never receive enough warmth and care, he will always doubt his value to other people, and it will be difficult for him to build his own family. Even if a man stays after learning about pregnancy, even if he attaches himself with all his heart to to kid, this will not solve his problems with a woman. After all, something led to a "crack" in the relationship? And this "something" remained unresolved. If you are aware that the desire to have a second child comes from the desire to keep the spouse, hold the family together, stop. Most likely, your spouse does not want to plan a second now, and he is right. You need to first understand the relationship, resolve "acute" issues. Maybe even see a psychologist. And when calm reigns in your harbor again, you both want another successor to the family. And this one child will be a true symbol of new family happiness and tranquility.

When there is no time for persuasion...

For some time now, Polina has been absorbed in the dream of the appearance of a second child. Buying five-year-old Mila clothes and toys, she could not pass by small blouses, caps and sliders. The maternal instinct was so strong that Polina almost felt pregnant. She dreamed of a baby, fully aware of how difficult times await their family. But she was ready for an endless diaper conveyor, and Mila's possible jealousy, and temporary financial difficulties. She talked a lot with her friends who managed to acquire two children, and she understood that she would completely “pull”. She already wanted to start a conversation with her husband about planning, as she realized that she was already pregnant! With eyes glowing with joy, she told the news to her husband, but he was not at all happy ...

This situation is perhaps the most difficult for a woman. Realizing that she is pregnant, the woman realizes that she really wants this baby, she already loves him. And the husband either expresses dissatisfaction, or openly insists on terminating the pregnancy. Sometimes men are so categorical that they say: “either an abortion, or a divorce!”. At this moment, a sharp conflict arises in the mind of a woman: she wants to child, which is already growing in the tummy, and she, more than ever, needs the support of her husband. But she also understands that she can lose her husband and be left with two children if she keeps the pregnancy. What to do? To go on about her husband or keep the pregnancy under the threat of breaking up with him? This is the most difficult choice, and no one but a woman has the right to decide what to do with her. But still, we outline a few guidelines that will help in thinking about the decision. The most important point here is the threat of divorce. And sometimes a woman prefers to have an abortion in order to save the relationship. But an unpleasant surprise awaits many: after a while, the marriage still breaks up. And the woman remains with a sense of guilt before the unborn baby, and with bitterness that even this desperate step did not save the family. Why does abortion provoke divorce? First, having terminated a pregnancy, a woman not only experiences guilt, but also strong rage directed at her husband for insisting on this step. Even if a woman does not show this rage, she lives inside, and corrodes the relationship, like rust. Secondly, a woman losing confidence in her husband, because at such an important moment for her and the whole family, he insisted on an abortion, thus choosing the easiest path for himself and the most difficult for a woman. She begins to wait for the "trick" in other matters. Thirdly, the fact that a man insists on an abortion makes it clear to a woman that he doesn't appreciate her health, and that the value of their love (and child- the fruit of this love), is insignificant for him. Fourth, a woman after an abortion may decreased sexual activity. Often women avoid contact with their husbands. And since sexual relations in marriage are one of the pillars on which it rests, one more support becomes less. Of course, all this provokes conflicts and misunderstandings. Therefore, one should not think that abortion is a guarantee of “saving” a marriage, rather it is a direct path to divorce. You have a serious conversation with your husband (perhaps more than one). What can help a husband to give up the idea of ​​an abortion:

Idea #1:"From the beloved husband of the beloved child I will never kill!" By stating this, you emphasize your attitude towards your husband, and also show how valuable the baby growing in your tummy is to you. It is very important to show a man that you already love child that he is not an abstract “fruit” for you, but a little man.

Idea #2: let your husband know child- a real little man. Show pictures of your ultrasound. Tell me what child still very small, but his heart is already beating. For men, the fetus, especially until the moment of the first shocks, is something abstract, as if not real. Help your husband realize that even before 12 weeks, this is a real little man.

Idea #3: explain that abortions carry complications of varying severity(this is indeed true). These are infections, inflammatory diseases, bleeding, hormonal disorders, subsequent ectopic pregnancies, infertility - this is not a complete list. Is your husband ready to doom you to these diseases? And all this, not counting the psychological distress. ... Polina's husband insisted on an abortion. “You put an end to our family life!” he said. But Polina decided to keep child. "We didn't talk about the pregnancy until 17 or 18 weeks, like it wasn't there," she says. “But then everything gradually improved, and he began to worry along with me. Now I see such a loving and caring father, which I have not seen with my eldest daughter, and I must say that the youngest loves him the most. But I was already 35 years old, and I wanted a second so much that I put my family well-being on the scales. I realized that my husband could really leave. I went against his wishes and insisted on my own. Maybe this is wrong, of course, two children should want, but it was in me, and not in him, that this child. Therefore, at that moment, it was I who made such a responsible decision - to save the baby. There are many such stories with happy endings. Husbands who reacted negatively to the fact of the second pregnancy became gentle and loving fathers. Unfortunately, no one can guarantee that this will be the case. Therefore, try to avoid the situation of an “unexpected” unwanted pregnancy, and even more so do not deceive your husband by saying that you are protected or that “this day is safe”, in the hope that when the pregnancy becomes a fact, the husband will accept it resignedly. Try to convince your husband first, and then plan the pregnancy together.

unripe fruit

One of the common reasons men do not want to have a second child This is the so-called "immature paternity syndrome". Their first children are often "accidentally" and they marry for this reason, guided by the firm hand of the future wife, or mother-in-law, or their mother. An "immature" father may also plan for the first child, because he needs it for status (for example, to maintain the image of a respectable father of the family). As fathers, they show themselves reluctantly, communicating with the child only after long prodding, and to the maximum shift the responsibilities of upbringing and care to the wife. When the wife of such a man begins to think about a second child and voices this dream, she may hear in response: “But then I won’t be able to change the car next year (go abroad, buy ski equipment ...)”. For these men, the letter "I" is in the first place.

Just such men are “unripe fruits” and send their wives for an abortion, despite all the arguments that she gives them. It is they who are able to embody the threat of "divorce if child leave it to life. And if they remain in the family where their second will be born child, then they will continue to shift responsibility to the wife (“you yourself wanted this child So bring him up now!”). In general, the fate of the wives of such husbands is unenviable. Is it possible to stimulate an "immature" husband so that he sincerely wants to continue himself in a second child? Is it necessary? Even if he reluctantly agrees, it will be very difficult to wait for help in education from him. He wants to live "for himself" too much, despite his marital status. In general, think a hundred times whether you are ready to educate child virtually alone, with the formal presence of his father by his side. Perhaps it is worth waiting until the husband "grows up", and perhaps this will never happen. Start your new pregnant journey, fully aware that you should rely only on your own strength.

The child as a symbol of change

Often men, even "mature ones", do not want to plan a second child because they are... afraid! None of them will admit it, but in fact it is. What are the most common male fears? First, this fear that he will not be able to "feed" his large family, because, at least for 1.5-2 years, he again becomes the sole breadwinner! Secondly, this fear of being "rejected" again, Bye child small Dads remember that when their first child was born, the wife spent almost all her time baby, and she didn't have the time or energy to cook, clean, and have sex. The man remembers this feeling of "abandonment" and does not want it to repeat. Thirdly, this fear of worsening relationship with wife. The vast majority of couples are experiencing a "crisis of the birth of the first child". It lies in the fact that with the birth of the first child, the husband and wife acquire new roles of “father” and “mother”, and mastering these roles is not an easy task. It takes time to understand what it's like to be a parent. And often this period is full of mutual discontent and misunderstanding. But in the mind of a man, the time of birth child strongly associated with memories of quarrels with his wife. And so fear arises: will the same thing happen a second time? Fourth, this fear of losing your wife especially if the first birth was difficult. No, no, and the thought will flash through the male head: what if the birth goes so badly that I have to raise children alone? This fear rarely comes to the surface, into consciousness, but subconsciously it is always there, and it is he who provokes numerous male “excuses”.

Techniques that can help you in a conversation:

Idea #1: count the money. If you can figure out how much money will be spent monthly on diapers and other baby care, and you can show your spouse that this is quite feasible, even if he works alone, then half the job is done! Calculate how much is now monthly spent on family needs: clothes, food, payment of payments. Show him which parts can be temporarily cut in favor of diapers and undershirts. It might be worth it for you!

Idea #2: remind that the second baby will not appear tomorrow. Strangely, when women start talking about planning, this simple thought does not occur to men. But given that pregnancy will not come immediately, the family has some time left! And during this period, you can save up money, slowly renovate the room, and generally get used to the idea that soon the ranks of your family will be replenished with a new member.

Idea #3: remind the husband that many large things (the stroller, the crib and the rest of the dowry) were left over from the elder child, something you can buy with "maternity" or "postpartum" money. Relatives will give something else. So the main thing is the monthly content child, and it is quite feasible with a reasonable approach. And here, as they say, "the world is not without good people." Familiar mothers who have a baby will then be happy to give you little things!

Idea #4:"You are a worthy man!" Using this technique, you emphasize the headship and strength of your husband, as well as your love and respect for him. Marina, when talking with her husband about the birth of her second baby, said: “You know how many friends I have who simply do not want to have children from their husbands! They do not trust them, live with them more out of habit and see them mostly as flaws. I want child from you! I am glad that you are my husband, I love and respect you, so I want more children. This speech allowed Marina's husband to think that fatherhood is a gift of trust from his wife, it is recognition of him as a man and head of the family. And which man would refuse such a thing?

Idea #5:"Love isn't going anywhere!" This is an argument for men who are afraid that with birth child will once again recede into the background. This situation must be discussed in advance. For example, the way Tatyana did it: “Yes, I remember how often I had to eat store-bought dumplings when our first child was born. I remember sometimes you didn't have a fresh shirt because the machine was busy washing diapers. I sometimes lacked the strength to talk to you, and you must have felt lonely. Of course, when the second is born child, the first year will again be difficult. Most of my time will be taken up with his care. But know that my love hasn't gone away. Together we will overcome difficulties! It is important that a man knows that all these domestic troubles, the constant fatigue of his wife is not an indicator of discord in the relationship.

Idea #6:"You are already a father!" This argument is for those men who have experienced the turbulent period of the "crisis of the birth of the first child”, This period of misunderstanding, quarrels and grinding to the role of parents. It must be understood that the birth of the first child often leads to a crisis in the family. And by the time of the birth of the second, all the roles are already familiar, and the spouses have perfectly mastered what it is to be a mother and to be a father. You can and should tell your spouse about this, bringing the good news that there will be no new “redistribution of property”!

Idea #7:"I am healthy!". To ease a man's fear that something might happen to you or your baby, visit doctors before planning a pregnancy. Make sure you are healthy and ready for this challenging journey. Your own health is the key to the success of the health of the unborn baby. And report the results of the "medical examination" to your husband. Knowing that you are embarking on this path healthy, he will be less worried about your health and your baby.

Ilya, a happy father of two sons, once told me how he did not want the birth of a second child. “Our first-born was two years old when my Katerina started talking about the“ second Lyalya ”. I then could not restrain myself, and very sharply told her that the second was now out of the question. Our Maksimka was a very excitable child until the age of one and a half, he did not sleep well, he was capricious a lot. We were very tired. The wife was engaged practically only in the child. Of course, I understood that this was how it should be, but sometimes it was a shame that she even forgot to ask how my day went. Besides, I was the only earner. We did not need, of course, but there was no extra money either. In general, then the thought of a second child seemed terrible to me. Everything from the beginning again! I clearly wasn't ready." “Although I answered with a categorical “no!”, Katerina did not calm down. Only later did I realize that she had her own wise tactics. For a while, talk about the second stopped, but no, no, and she screwed stories about happy married couples with two children into our conversations. I saw how her eyes burn when she looks at the kids, I heard how she is interested in the issues of jealousy of the older ones for the younger ones and how moms and dads cope with two. Gradually, I began to come to the conclusion that people live with two children! And do not live in poverty, and enjoy life! In general, the idea of ​​having a second child ceased to seem terrible to me. And then my wife told me that she went through all the doctors and is completely healthy. She once again said that she really wants "her beloved husband" to become the father of her beloved for the second time. child. And we had a big conversation. We discussed that, in general, we have enough money, all the things from the elder remained, and we are already experienced parents, so we can handle it. And now, after a little over a year, we got a second squeaky lump! When I look at him, I even remember with some shame that at first I did not want him to appear!

If your spouse is against the birth of a second child, do not be discouraged. It is quite possible that this is the very situation when "water wears away a stone." Be patient and take small steps towards your goal. Do not put pressure on a man, do not throw out a storm of discontent on him. If a woman feels an inner need to become a mother, then a man needs to be helped to realize and get used to the idea of ​​becoming a dad again. With a delicate female approach, husbands become more loyal over time, and then with the same impatience they begin to wait for the “two stripes” as their wives. Many dads then say that being a father for the second time is a very special state. If the first time they were too tense, afraid to do something wrong, and as a result they completely abandoned all attempts, then the second time they feel more confident and are able to get great pleasure from communicating with the baby.

Denying children to a woman is a step with far-reaching consequences. Perhaps that is why the unwillingness of the spouse to infringe on their interests is manifested precisely in the case of the second child. And everything seems to be logical: there is a continuation of the family, everything is like with people, and there is no need to go through nighttime insomnia and austerity due to diapers for the second time.

About this - a letter from our reader, who wrote on [email protected] website

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I used to think that if a man wants children in principle, then the number does not matter anymore.

I really sympathized with my friend, whose husband has categorically refused to have a child for 6 years. And I thought to myself how lucky I was with my husband, who was never afraid of the prospect of having a baby. But a surprise awaited me...

We have a boy. I have always dreamed of a daughter

No, I love my son, but I also want to braid pigtails. It turns out that the husband got what he wanted - a son, but I can no longer.

The first excuse is "there is no money."

As if a child must be bought for big money, like a thoroughbred cat. So much left of the old one! And the stroller has not yet been sold (it is in the basement), and there is a crib, and there was no one to distribute clothes. So what, that boyish. Half will definitely pass for unisex.

I explain to him - in any. After scouring the Internet, I realized that the problem of disagreeing with a second child is much more common than simply abandoning children. But there is little consolation in this. I read the advice of psychologists on how to persuade - nothing works.

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I've been pleading for a year now, but nothing has changed. Absolutely no

I worried a lot, tried to justify him, to put myself in his place.

What was so bad about this period of our son's infancy that he doesn't want to go through it again? Yes, the first pregnancy was quite difficult, I had to lie a lot on conservation, take care of myself like a crystal vase ...

Therefore, in terms of intimacy, the husband ended up on dry rations for a long time. After giving birth, there was also some time not at all before that. It may well be that he does not want to be in this situation again.

But isn't a new life worth a little infringement on yourself? It turns out that it's a question of priorities.

In addition, the son was very restless from birth: he slept badly, and they ran a lot to the doctors, and his legs did not develop correctly. Now everything has improved. But in the first year, his whole life revolved around him.

For me, this is normal, but it was then that my husband began to freak out.

He had never demanded “hot freshly cooked food” from me before, in matters of everyday life he behaved quite democratically. And then suddenly he sometimes began to be offended why the food had not been boiled for his arrival. Explanations that she was engaged in a child did not satisfy.

I understand that my mother-in-law once raised him alone - she did not care for the soul. He is accustomed to all-round care ... But before all this did not apply to me.

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The more the child grew up, the more demanding the husband became.

I heard before about children's jealousy of younger brothers and sisters. But never seen an adult.

It was as if he began to compete with his young son, who was better prepared or who was stroked more.. It is clear that the son always won.

Never before have I seen a child in an adult man, but then suddenly it happened. He began to act up even in his own way. Sometimes there is a feeling that I am raising two.

This was not the case before. As if some part of the personality was revealed. I myself want to be naughty. But I can't afford it anymore.

Once I already saw something similar in the family of my girlfriend: around the first child, the husband tiptoed around, and when she was pregnant with the second, he rather endured it than jumped with happiness. And the whole burden of worries with the second baby has already fallen on her shoulders. Apparently, the male limit of over-care has dried up on the first daughter.

It turns out that earlier men took wives to give birth to more children. And now it turns out that the right to give birth still needs to be earned. I can't cheat...

In your opinion, is it easy to persuade a man to have a child? How?

“It has made my life a lot easier.” How parents change the way they feed their children with experience