ElenaC

Hello dear psychologists! I'm writing to you because I can't handle it myself. Exactly a month ago, my husband said that he was leaving and could no longer live like this, saying that his feelings are no longer the same, I don’t attract him as a woman, but others attract him. But he said that he was not quite sure of his choice yet. We have been married for 13 years and have a daughter for 11 years. My husband is 37 and I am 35. She did not notice the change behind him and did not change herself. I tried to offer him to fix everything, but he didn’t want to, said that he had already tried and failed to revive feelings, but at the same time he says that he respects me as a woman, wants to communicate, help, sex with me is not disgusting to him. I do not understand him, if he does not love me, how can this be? On the day he left, we had a heart to heart talk, mostly good things, spent the night together and he left. Now he is settling in a rented apartment, but he is going to move to his parents, it is empty. He constantly complains that he feels bad there in a new apartment, like in a hospital, he says he will move to his parent's there and the walls are being treated. Calls every day to the child and me often, communicates. I do not forbid them to communicate, but rather welcome, come to visit, help. He is drawn home, he comes to visit, as if he were at home, he can bathe, wash things. To my question, how should I be? Wait for it or not? Answered: I don't know. I’ve been crying for a month now, I can’t pull myself together, I really miss him, I love him, I don’t know how to behave? Hoping for his return or not? What do i do? I beg you to help me, I don’t have the strength to roar and worry, I’m very tired of being in such a limbo.

Olesya Verevkina

ElenaC, your feelings are understandable. The psychologist will comment on the topic and try to help. You can read some advice on the subject of Divorce, in case something seems close and useful.

Elena C, hello! I understand how hard it is for you right now. It seems that you and your husband did not quarrel, did not quarrel, and the entrance to your house is always open for him. However, at the same time, he inflicted a very deep wound on you, in fact, taking away your hope for a future stable family life. Probably, you do not yet believe that your relationship is over, and you expect him to come to his senses, and everything that happens will be forgotten like a bad dream. In your daily tears there is a lot of unrest, as I suppose, and resentment.

Elena, you write about limbo. I think I understand you, and yet I would like to ask: the husband, leaving and moving away from you, tried to reserve the right to return, right? Or even he did not have to negotiate with you about such a right? You yourself were so unprepared for his departure that you keep the door and soul open, just not to lose hope for his return, do I understand the situation correctly?

You already have a grown daughter. Does she comment on the situation? What do you think her feelings are?

Are you financially self-sufficient? How did you and your husband agree on financial matters?

ElenaC

Yes, you understand correctly, I hope for his return, but I don’t really believe that he will return and it hurts so much. The daughter cried a lot when she found out she was hysterical, she barely calmed her down. She misses him very much, constantly asks for him. I work, but I don’t earn much, I have enough for food. We agreed with him that he would bring a small amount of money every week, since I myself can’t do much, I won’t pull an apartment and put shoes on, dress a child. I don't know what to do, hope or not? I'm in so much pain and pain! We lived together for so many years, I can’t just delete him from my life so easily. I do not understand him? What does he want? Thus, to revive feelings or is that all, is he gone forever? Maybe he thinks we'll miss each other? Or maybe he already has someone in mind? There is such a mess in my head, I can’t figure it out and get out of it. I have no more strength ... Please help me figure it all out?

Well, that's probably all ... He came to visit the child today, I saw that he took off the ring from his hand, now everything is clear to me, we talked with him, he said that he was not bored and he had no love for me. But he doesn't want to swear and continue talking... I'm in shock! I’m sitting roaring, I don’t know how to live on ... Where to start, and in general it seems to me that the whole world has collapsed for me ... I don’t know how to continue to live ... Help ...

ElenaC, it's very hard, I understand. It's scary and painful, as you write, "the world has collapsed." Now you are in shock. All the emotions you will experience are completely natural. Try not to be alone. Ask someone close to you to stay by your side: friend, mother? Cry as much as you want, scream, if you want to scream, beat the dishes, which you don’t really feel sorry for.

In fact, the world has not collapsed, you will find the strength to cope with it. But this will take time. All you need right now is to have someone nearby who can take care of you (and this is not your daughter), drink more, if you can - eat. Be at rest, drink sleeping pills (in doses that help you fall asleep!) And get plenty of sleep.

ElenaC

I’ve been sleeping almost for a month now, I’ve been drinking sedatives, it doesn’t help, and as luck would have it, there’s no one around ... Thanks for the answers, I don’t know if I can handle it ... For a month now I’ve been crying and not getting enough sleep, but now I know at least one thing that I don’t have to wait. ..

ElenaC, that's it, you had a situation of uncertainty for a month. And now it has become clearer. It will release a lot of energy, I assure you. Although it's hard for you to believe now. Is it possible to go somewhere to relax for a few days?

ElenaC

Unfortunately, there is no such possibility... I would probably be happy... Thank you very much for your support, I understand that it must be endured, but it's so hard... ... Very... ... I'm afraid can't cope...

ElenaC, of ​​course you can handle it. I have a question for you: how do you look at the idea of ​​protecting yourself now from communication with your husband, for the sake of self-preservation? Your daughter is an adult - let them communicate themselves. Ask him to take into account your condition and pass all the information to you through your daughter or in writing. You don't want to see each other right now. Give yourself a month to digest the information by putting a moratorium on any contact with him. Does my proposal resonate with you?

ElenaC

Yes, I think about it myself, but he comes to visit his daughter once a week or 2, I don’t know what to do or go somewhere for this period or tell him to take her to himself, but there is a problem he comes in the evenings after work, he won’t be able to pick her up, and if I leave, I’ll have to hang around on the street all this time. Well, I can go to tea with a neighbor a couple of times, and then ... It turns out to freeze on the street and I don’t want to see him. You understand, the fact is that he himself does not seem to want to be with me, but he does not let me go, he often calls me, of course, it seems like on business, but he calls. When he comes to his daughter, I get the impression that he comes to me, I try to go to another room, I don’t drink tea with them, and he calls for tea to drink, then he comes into my room and talks about how he is settling down ..., I don’t want to hear it, I want to be alone ... Can I talk to him so that he doesn’t come yet, but only calls up his daughter for at least 2 weeks to do this, and then we’ll see? It's very hard... I don't know what to do...

When he comes to his daughter, I get the impression that he comes to me, I try to go to another room, I don’t drink tea with them, and he calls for tea to drink, then he comes into my room and talks about how he is settling down ..., I don't want to hear it, I want to be alone...

Elena, I fully understand your feelings: your husband really sends you double messages. Apparently, he is experiencing some mental turmoil and cannot understand where his place is. You can sympathize with him, but this does not negate the fact that he creates a complete disgrace in your relationship and completely neglects your feelings. I do not think that this should suit you, it is entirely his responsibility. The one who made a statement about his exit from the relationship - goes out the door in the truest sense of the word. If he changes his mind and decides to come back, then you will discuss with him the conditions on which you are ready to accept him.

To come allegedly "to your daughter" in order to sit on your ears and tell you how wonderfully he is going to live without you - sorry, sophisticated sadism. I ask you to shake things up a bit and listen to your sense of dignity. You absolutely do not deserve such treatment. He behaves like the saying "dog in the manger". Why do you need such a dog, Elena? If he wants to live his own life, let him live, let him use the time freed from his family to create conditions for communication with his daughter on his territory. And you need time and opportunity to come to your senses and understand how you can further build your life.

ElenaC

Thank you very much for your advice. So it is, as you say! It’s very difficult for me to switch, it’s not working yet, I’ll try, because I’ve exhausted myself completely ...

ElenaC, you will definitely succeed. You are a strong person, and despite the fact that the crisis in your husband's life has become unexpected and extremely unpleasant for you, you are already taking steps to cope with it. I support you very much in creating the most comfortable conditions for you to overcome this unpleasant situation. I have no doubt that you will overcome it.

ElenaC, how is the situation changing for you? How do you feel?

ElenaC

Hello Ekaterina! I feel better, we are taking pills, we are already sleeping). My husband began to miss me, he began to be drawn to me. We started talking and dating again. He tries to see very much, I also do not lag behind), he wants to please me, is he worried, has he offended me? But you don't think about going home yet? What will come of it? Don't know? Time will tell... Thank you for your experience and attention and for your advice!

01 Mar 2017

ElenaC

Hello Ekaterina! Can't understand my husband? It’s been 4 months since he left, all this time we talked, met, he took care of us, helped ... But he doesn’t dare to return to try to save the family ... I don’t understand him, I feel his concern, he really worries about us , besides this, I see that he is looking for meetings with me, he calls me to a cafe, makes surprises for Valentine's Day, gives flowers, though for the holidays. It was my birthday recently, he proposed to me in a cafe and paid for everything himself. He seems to be trying, but he seems to be somehow far from me ... When I ask him directly, he says he doesn’t know, he can’t understand himself ... But he doesn’t let go either. He writes himself, calls himself, I do not impose on him ... But he does not dare to try to live. I don’t know if it makes sense to continue like this, because 4 months have passed, we are getting used to living on our own, weaning from each other ... I still want to try to fix everything, but here he is ... I don’t know, he can already see it himself well, freedom is doing its own thing... I think so, but maybe I'm wrong... Help me understand it and make the right choice, I'm already tired... I feel bad without him and I can't live like this anymore either. Who am I to him? Why is he behaving like this? And in general, I have a feeling that he is depressed and does not want anything at all ... Could this be a midlife crisis?

Answer please?

04 Mar 2017

Olesya Verevkina

ElenaS, Ekaterina Krupetskaya will answer as soon as the opportunity arises, since working on the forum is essentially volunteering in her free time.

Mar 05 2017

Elena C, hello!
You yourself seem to see what is happening with your husband: he is confused in something, trying to figure himself out. Maybe that's why he needed distance. Maybe he, like many people, has come to the point where he does not understand his future and is trying to find answers, whether he wants to continue living his old life, or wants to open a new stage. According to your description, both needs are strong in him: to leave those attachments that he feels for you and children, and to try something new for himself. Sounds like a midlife crisis. How he will get out of it - neither I nor you are destined to know. Yes, and it is harmful, in my opinion, for you.

We cannot, no matter how much we want to, decide something FOR another person. We can only do this for ourselves. I understand perfectly how hard it is for you to endure a situation of uncertainty. Do you agree that at any time you yourself can stop it? I understand that you are not ready to break off relations with your husband, they have a lot of value for you. You seem to be trying to find an answer - does your husband or I have any guarantees of his return? There are definitely no guarantees. But I think there are chances.

When you write that you sometimes think about the possibility of ending a relationship, how do you imagine it now, could you speculate?

If you imagine (only mentally) that you have already made this decision. Let's say you wake up the next morning after this (all conversations are over). Could you imagine how you would start this morning? In all the little things, with all the details. What would you do that you are not doing now?

07 Mar 2017

ElenaC

You know, I don't even know... I'm probably not ready to be myself yet. Although the farther, the more I begin to understand that I begin to like living on my own (except for the financial side, it is very difficult) and in general such an attitude probably kills love over time ... I myself got confused ... I don’t understand myself ...

Mar 12 2017

ElenaC

You know, probably nothing would have changed, the only thing, if it weren’t for the financial side, would go out to people more, would be distracted from these thoughts, there were also thoughts of changing jobs, I work at home, I sit within four walls, and so I would communicate with people ... Although it’s hard for us to work here ... You know, of course, it’s not easy for me now, but I understand that this is a sick relationship ... I decided to break them, although my heart screams no, but my mind says it's time... I'm sitting here thinking how and when to tell him about it, and I want and I'm afraid of the future... I don't know if I made the right choice? And this is very hard on my soul, I am afraid that I will regret it!

If your husband left the family - this is not a reason to fall into hysterics and think that life is over. There is a correct behavioral tactic that will help to avoid stress and adequately solve the problem. We will share it in this article. You will learn why spouses leave their wives, how to respond to the desire to file for divorce, how to behave when parting. You will also decide what to do after the breakup of a marriage, whether it is worth returning the departed man and how to do it correctly. You will find advice from experienced psychologists and a way out of the situation.

Most often, psychologists name the following reasons:

• excessive guardianship by the spouse;
• lack of common hobbies;
• loss of sexual interest;
• deterioration of mutual understanding, constant quarrels;
• a woman does not take care of herself, forcing a man to be interested in other ladies;
• everyday problems.

There can be many reasons why a loved one decided to leave his wife and get divorced, and not all of them are limited to cheating spouses or mutual claims.

If the lover has not yet left the family and is in no hurry to file for divorce, but intends to do so, the woman needs to show restraint and wisdom. Excessive emotionality will only harm the situation. How should one behave in such a case?

1. To begin with, psychologists advise to talk, discuss the situation. A man must understand that it is much easier to destroy relationships than to build them.
2. You should change your behavior, stop nagging your spouse, reduce the level of control over him.
3. As soon as a man voices the reason for the breakup, it should be eliminated, demonstrating that the relationship still has a chance to recover. Praise your husband, pay attention to him, do not quarrel.
4. If a man has a mistress, it is worth working on his appearance, emphasizing his beauty in all ways.
5. It is necessary that the house should always be clean, the refrigerator should be filled with food so that a man feels comfort and coziness.

Psychologists emphasize that in most cases, separation can be prevented, and sometimes an elementary conversation saves from divorce. But overwhelmed by pride and resentment, the spouses refuse to hear each other's claims.

To prevent a crisis, you need to talk, discuss problems and decide if there is a way out of this situation.

How to deal with a breakup

If the partner nevertheless decided to divorce, you need to behave as follows:

• do not stoop to tears and prayers, as this will not be of any use;
• during parting, be detached, but friendly;
• it is worth thanking the man for the years lived together, evoking nostalgia in him, remembering the bright moments of the joint past;
• you need to look at 100% so that a man sees what beauty he is missing.

The main thing is not to seem like a victim. If the woman cries and begs, the partner wants to leave the house as soon as possible. If she looks detached, independent, grains of doubt may arise in him.

You need to talk with your lover without resentment and trembling in your voice, emphasizing the positive aspects in the relationship. All this can become an incentive for their future resurrection. You also need to consider that often. Read here why this happens and how to behave.

What to do after your spouse leaves

And now the woman was left alone, what should be the algorithm of her actions? It all depends on the specific situation. If a man does not have a new girlfriend, it is better to behave as follows:

• occasionally intersect in a common company or at parties, while looking chic;
• invite her husband to her so that he takes the remaining things and at the same time remembers the warmth of the hearth;
• if the couple has children together, spend time together, emphasizing the importance of family values;
• if a man is seriously offended, there is no need to ask for forgiveness, it is worth proving with your actions that the woman has repented (show how upset you are, say that you will improve).

Psychologists emphasize that the departure of a man does not mean a final separation. But if he already has a mistress, it will be more difficult to return a partner. Here you need to act as follows:

• no need to speak badly about the homeowner;
• when meeting with a man, you should look perfect;
• you need to find yourself a boyfriend in order to arouse the jealousy of your spouse;
• you need to behave detached and cold, not showing your inner pain.

If the lover then returns, then leaves, and this has been going on for many months, you should state your position. A woman should emphasize that such a guest marriage does not suit her. She can find a suitor for herself, saying that she can live without a spouse.

Psychologists confirm that the constant departure and return of a husband is a sign of his indecision, unwillingness to divorce.

The spouse is not ready for parting even in case of slowness in submitting documents to the registry office. If a man is in no hurry to write a divorce application, you should not rush him. A girl can send romantic SMS to her husband, occasionally cross paths with him - do everything so that the thought of parting seems stupid to him.

Is it worth returning the departed husband

Many psychologists advise the lady to carefully consider the need for the return of her lover. What factors can influence this?

1. A woman must understand that a partner who has left once can do it again, which means that there will be inconstancy in the relationship.
2. If partners have feelings for each other, you should try to save the marriage.
3. If a man has decided on meanness or treason, it is worth restoring relations only in the most extreme cases.
4. After leaving and returning, the former trust in the family will no longer be.
5. Restoring relationships will take a lot of time, which is likely to be wasted.

Not all unions deserve to fight for them to the end. But if a woman loves her husband immensely and cannot live without him, such a struggle makes sense.

Do you want to know all the ways to quickly get your loved one back after a breakup? We recommend reading free book Alexey Chernozem "How to return a loved one". You will receive a step-by-step plan on how to make him want to come back again.

The book is free. To download, go to this page, leave your e-mail and an email will be sent to the mail with a link to the pdf-file.

Ways to return a man

To return a lover, you need to act as follows:

• it is necessary to meet as often as possible, but not be intrusive;
• a man should always be reminded of a happy joint past;
• if there are common children, it is worth meeting with the whole family as often as possible;
• you should occasionally ask a man for help around the house or advice on repairing equipment, emphasizing his need.

A man should feel a connection with his ex-wife, understand that they will always have a joint past. Thanks to this, it will be possible to maintain relations and achieve rapprochement between quarreling partners. If the spouse went to his mistress, use ours. It highlights the reasons why this can happen, the role of children, magical rituals, what not to do.

You will find a lot of useful information here, where it is described in detail. We answered the questions: what conspiracies will help solve the problem, what should be the behavior of a woman, what to do if there are children.

Listen to the main mistakes women make when trying to win back their husbands:

How to move on after a breakup

Sometimes a woman goes into all serious trouble after a divorce, trying to survive the breakup in this way. Psychologists advise not to rush into the arms of other men, not to look for casual relationships. Now is the perfect time to take care of yourself. It is worth changing your hairstyle, updating your wardrobe, going on vacation. this article will help. Here it is written about 7 steps that need to be taken, how to let him go and not suffer if you live together, how to understand that feelings have passed.

The best medicine after breaking up is a new relationship with another man who will make you truly happy. We advise you to look new free video course Alexey Chernozem "12 laws of seduction for women". From the course you will learn how to attract his attention, push him to get acquainted, interest and captivate.

To watch, click here on this link, leave your e-mail and an email with a link to the video will be sent to the mail.

A woman must learn to love herself, stop blaming herself for divorce. Gradually, from such love, she will blossom, bathing in the attention of the opposite sex. If difficulties arise, we have prepared other tips on how to. We told how to behave, how to survive a blow, especially if there is a child.

How to behave after a breakup, see this video:

Divorce is far from the worst thing that can happen to a woman. Surviving a breakup with dignity is not easy, but by ceasing to blame herself for what happened, the lady will find not only the minuses in parting, but also the advantages. And maybe you don’t want to return your ex-spouse at all.

My heart was breaking from loss and unbearable pain. I wanted one thing: for him to return, and everything was the same. Life itself began to lose its meaning ...

They lived like everyone else. No worse and no better. We tried, we worked, we raised children. There were many difficulties, problems, but they all survived. They swore, put up, went to visit friends on weekends. Everyone did their best for the children, and they gave a good education. The children have left their parental home. And after that it got really hard. Relationships that weren't good have worsened.

At one point, the ground seemed to have vanished from under my feet. I didn't believe this could even happen. He left. He didn't say anything, he just left and took his things. An attempt to start a conversation, to understand what the reason is and when he will return, failed.

My heart was breaking from loss and unbearable pain. I wanted one thing: for him to return, and everything was the same. Life itself began to lose meaning.

So much pain and suffering. She did everything for the family, for him. The children left the parental nest, and it seemed that we had to wait for the grandchildren and raise the kids with him again. And he left.

Vain waiting in an empty apartment

How unbearable are the evenings in an empty apartment... Insomnia at night and crying uncontrollably: “He must come back! Why did he leave?" There are so many thoughts in my head. I can not be silent, I need to speak, to consult. I talk for hours, they listen to me, someone supports me, someone sympathizes, and someone tells me that we need to start living anew. “But this is nonsense. How am I without him? I want friends and relatives to reason with him, shame him, and he would come to his senses and return home. But they can't help me. I am alone, absolutely alone. And from this loneliness, as if I'm burning.

Time passes, but I still continue to believe that he will definitely return. I know it for sure. The fortune tellers told me about it. One day he will understand and begin to regret that he left. And then it will definitely come back. Or hint that he wants to do it. And I will definitely take it. People around do not understand how scary it is when a husband leaves after so many years of marriage. They don't see my pain. I need only him and no one else.

Everything is so unfair. And this terrible pain from the fact that he is not around, that I was left alone, corrodes me. I cannot live normally, I want to breathe again and see the sun in the sky, and not feel the darkness that has enveloped my life. All friends and relatives began to disappear from the social circle. Even kids keep talking to a minimum. The apartment is cold and empty. All my attempts to somehow get out of this state are reduced to zero.

And dusk comes again. And again this anxiety envelops my body and does not allow me to live. And so I want to live normally. As everybody. I see people coming together, falling apart, coming together again. They are happy. Why don't I? What should I do?

Where to look for a way out?

Dealing with the loss of a husband is very difficult. It's not easy to start living again. There are people for whom the loss of a family is a real tragedy that divides life into "before" and "after". And "after" you can not live, no matter how hard you try.

As Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology explains, our attitude to certain events, our reactions, our behavior, our value systems, our desires and aspirations are determined by our innate sets of mental properties, which are called vectors. There are eight vectors in total. Each vector is a certain set of basic desires and properties for their realization.

In this case, we are talking about two vectors: visual and anal.

Family is the most important thing in life

For any person, the family plays an important role. And for the owner, the family is the main thing, it is the meaning of his life, the highest value. For them, divorce is the end of the world. They do not fit in their heads how it is possible to destroy the most valuable, the most important, the most expensive thing in this life. Even if everything in the family was not so smooth. They are convinced that quarrels, misunderstandings, dissatisfaction are not a reason to destroy a family. By nature, such people are the most faithful, devoted, reliable in the family, and in friendship, and in work. For them, love, marriage, friendship - once and for all life. And to change one spouse for another is like a disaster. Their psyche does not accept this. Not for myself, not for others.

By their nature, such people are quite rigid, therefore it is difficult to adapt to changes. They have a special focus on the past. Along with an excellent memory, these properties are given to them for the realization of their natural role - to accumulate and pass on knowledge and experience of the past to future generations in an unchanged form. Often they become excellent teachers and other professionals. However, these properties do not allow them to forget. Forget the spouse who left. Forget how good they were together. Forget how painful and insulting it was when he left. A person seems to be forever stuck in the past, which no longer exists. Completely immersed in memories and loses touch with the present moment.

Guilt and resentment

What happens to such a woman when her husband leaves her? It happens that she begins to blame herself, looking for a reason, trying to understand what she did wrong. And the feeling of guilt does not let her live. But much more often, she feels deep resentment. Sometimes along with guilt.

As Yuri Burlan's System Vector Psychology explains, justice is important for the owner of the anal vector. And for them it is fair - it means equally, all the same. You did something good for me and I am grateful to you. You cheated me, and I'm offended. "How else? Because I was treated unfairly." And until it is equal, the person feels the strongest psychological discomfort. If he is guilty, then he must correct himself. If offended, then I will not rest until they return what was taken away. And here a good memory does not let you forget. Resentment and memories of the past absorb a person and prevent him from living now, do not allow him to move forward.

In addition, it is difficult for the owner of the anal vector to make decisions; for this, he needs a little more time than others. And going offended, striving to do everything right, getting stuck in the past leads to the fact that a person cannot make a decision at all what to do next. And then the “waiting mode” is turned on: “The husband will definitely come to his senses, come to his senses, remember me and come one fine day. And if he does not come, he will hint that he wants to return. He will understand that he left me in vain. Only I can be the best wife for him.”

Love is life

The owners of the visual vector are emotional. They have a high emotional amplitude: from fear to love and compassion. From tantrums to deep, sensual relationships. It is they who can create emotional bonds for real, feeling crazy love and compassion. For them, feelings are the meaning of life. In any case. In good, when it is love, empathy, tenderness, care. And in the bad, when it is sadness, melancholy, tantrums, pity.

For a visual person, a break in a relationship is a break in an emotional attachment. It is like death, causing unbearable suffering. Many women experience the loss of a loved one hard. But the spectators experience it ten times harder. An anal-visual woman with her family priority and exceptional memory is able to cherish her feelings for years, mourn about the past, and remain faithful to the past. The pain of loss and resentment involuntarily become an occasion for visual buildups, quiet tears in the pillow at night.

The feeling that she is the poorest and most unfortunate, and no one can help her, is essentially visual self-pity. Behind this is the desire to receive attention and love for yourself, so that people give emotional support and understanding. To this may be added the fear of loneliness. After all, a break in an emotional connection always leads to an acute loss of a sense of security, exposing the fears inherent, sometimes up to panic attacks. And this horror of loneliness sometimes leads to emotional blackmail, to exhaustion. Anything, just not to be alone. Because then it won't be so hard. It will get a little easier.

But after a while, even the closest people stop giving the necessary support. Which causes even more pain and causes distrust of the world. Endless trips to fortune-tellers give relief, but not for long. Because this is only a temporary relief of tension and relief of fear and anxiety, the illusion of filling the emotional emptiness that arose in the soul when he left.

It would seem that there is a vicious circle. Starting a new relationship is difficult, there are many fears. It is difficult to let go of the past, there are many grievances and expectations. Start living again? How?

There is always a way out

The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan gives an understanding of the nature of the relationship between a man and a woman, explains the reasons for the gap. Deeply explains the nature of resentment and emotional buildup. So, there is a chance to understand yourself and be able to get out of the vicious circle. After all, when we begin to understand why we react this way and not otherwise, why one thing causes us pain and protest, and the other is not at all important, these feelings cease to control our behavior, our life. Our emotional background is changing, internal states are harmonizing. This means that there is hope for change, self-confidence, life becomes more pleasant and joyful.

This also affects relationships with people. Because it is more pleasant for them to communicate with a calm, peaceful person who enjoys life. In addition, we begin to better understand others, to see how they differ from us, and how we are similar. This brings our relationship with the world to a qualitatively different level. When you can find the right solution in the most difficult and confusing situation.

The article was written based on the materials of the training " System-Vector Psychology»

Problems with husbands sometimes arise from scratch. It seemed like there was a normal family, they lived on the knurled, without quarrels: home, work, children ... And then you got up and left. Why? [discussion]

Photo: EAST NEWS

Change text size: A A

This question torments many abandoned wives. Men explain everything by routine. But it sounds somehow unconvincing. But there is one regularity - the age of prodigal husbands. Most often, they part with their families and start a new one around 30, around 40 - 45 and 50 years.

Psychologist and sexologist Inna Chori claims that these are critical years for men. In these three ages, some of them develop a strong desire for change. But if your husband is dear to you, you can prevent leaving, the psychologist is sure.

28 - 32 years old

Stop liking skinny people

Irina and Eugene got married when both were 23 years old. At 25, Ira gave birth to the first, at 28 - the second child. She sat at home with the children, did not go out, Zhenya worked a lot. And he made very good money. When the youngest was one year old, Zhenya packed his things and, saying that he would support the children, went to live with his parents. He came once a week, brought food and money. And he left again.

Eh, Irina did not know what the psychologist later told her at the training - about thirty men can radically change their erotic views. Instead of brunettes, blondes begin to like, instead of thin people - plump ones. And his proposal to get fat (lose weight), repaint, change the style of clothing should be taken very seriously. Listen to wishes and agree to changes.

Exactly, he asked several times: “Ira, can you grow your hair? Maybe change your hair color? A light one would suit you ... Let's go buy you a dress ... ”I didn’t pay attention: short hair is more comfortable, and a dress when you walk with two kids is uncomfortable, jeans are much more practical,” Ira later recalled.

She took the coaching advice. The gray hedgehog on the head was replaced in a few months by a still short, but already blond bob, dresses with a decollete, proper bras and moderate heels were bought. In general, it flourished. I called recently, shared: my husband returned, everything is fine.

By the way, you will have to change at least outwardly for the rest of your life in order to deceive male polygamy.

Men, they are so arranged: she changed her dress and shoes - already some other one, she changed her hair, besides, she turned on the playful mood - everything, a new woman in his house, - the coach assures.

35 - 45 years old

I'm still damn young!

At this age, a man is reassessing what has been achieved.

The first signs of this condition - a man changes his behavior, - says the psychologist. - He begins to look younger, renews his wardrobe and perfume, starts listening to other music in the car. Casanova syndrome kicked in. It is now important for a man to prove that he is still very, very in every sense! And his wife, unlike other ladies, no longer looks at him with admiration ... Do not miss this call! Rejuvenate with him! Spend all your free time with him, do not leave him alone. If you do not want to lose your man, agree to his erotic fantasies, but at least role-playing games. And keep in mind - almost no man is able to leave the family if his wife does not let go!

Here are my friends - Misha and Lena. At the age of forty, Misha - a financier, a respectable family man and a father of two children - suddenly became interested in a work colleague, a young and cheerful young lady. And to his wife Lena, at a family dinner with meatballs, he said: that's it, I'm leaving, I'm tired! He even slammed his fist on the table.

But he didn't leave. There is no second apartment, but Lena did not kick her out of the existing one. She looked at him longingly and grieved for a good year. And then suddenly took up the device of personal life. And I got so carried away that later Misha told me:

It's like she's been replaced. Laughs all the time. Previously, she walked around the house in a dressing gown, and if she needed to go to the store, she walked in sweatpants and sneakers. Now all the time at the parade. She likes someone...

In general, Misha is now experiencing. Looking for opportunities to "start over" with the new Lena. And Lena thinks if she needs the old Misha.

What about talking?

This age is the easiest in terms of psychology. The children have grown, the nest is empty. It's time to strike a balance, to understand what you have achieved, because if your career goes further, then crawling, not like at thirty.

At this age, sex is no longer in the first place for men. They are more important spiritual closeness. And if the wife has become a family, if she has become a friend, a man, most likely, will not leave her, even if he is in love with a young woman. It is terrible to lose stability, domestic and psychological as well. But if kinship is not achieved, alas, the man does not see the point in such a family, ”explains Inna.

But what if the wife at this age finds out about the betrayal? I saw a couple of acquaintances on vacation. Valya read the message of her mistress while Sergey was washing in the shower. It was at the beginning of summer, in Cyprus, on the day of the 25th anniversary of marriage - such a marriage that everyone seemed indestructible. I sobbed for a month and walked around in sunglasses, hiding circles under my eyes. He curled around like a moth: “Valyusha, maybe some water? Valyusha, maybe put an umbrella for you, ultraviolet is so harmful!

Yes, it's too late for me to take care of the youth of the skin! she scoffed in response.

A couple of months have passed. Valya underwent a course of psychotherapy - she was taught how to forgive her husband. Marriage looks perfect again. After all, Valya still loves Sergei. Sergey has become silky, hurries home after work, promises to take him to Cuba next spring.

In general, indeed, in all couples where the man nevertheless left the family, there was a moment: the wife herself let go. And those wives who returned the prodigal to the family understood that she got married and went on the warpath. And the wealthier and more successful the husband, the tougher the war.

OPINIONS OF READERS

On our website, this material has already collected more than 1,500 responses. Here are some of them.

Tatiana:

I have a similar situation. The husband came to the first line. Gone. Hasn't lived for a month. He says he can't be with me. Hard. Says I have to change. At the same time, he does not want to work on himself, claims only to me. A lot of things don’t suit me either, to which he told me - she got married, so be patient.

George:

It was generally accepted that men change after marriage, there are no courtship, flowers, sweets, cinemas and theaters, etc. I think that it is often not a man, the point is that a woman herself begins to consider all this nonsense and a waste of money, oh what she says to her husband. The item of the program is completed, the tick is put in the form of a seal in the passport, we move on to another item, career, children, apartment, dacha, car ... And then surprise and tears, he went to another or he does not pay attention to me at all. You yourself do not change, remain brides, and the husband will be the same, will look after and give flowers!

A simple Russian man:

So that a man does not want to leave a woman, two factors must be observed:

1) A man should marry her according to HIS ardent desire (and not according to her).

2) A woman shouldn't get on a man's nerves.

And all other factors (the presence or absence of an attractive appearance, the ability or inability to manage a household, the presence or absence of children, etc.) do not matter to a peasant and cannot keep him.

Yaroslav, 29 years old:

Came to the first line. It's hard at times. Much has changed, goals, attitudes, tastes. I have a car, an apartment, a good job. We live normally. I often pamper my children and wife. But my wife became cold to me. He says that he loves and cannot live without me, but there is less and less intimacy. It's a shame, all sorts of thoughts come to mind bad. Often depression, appeared fear. Thoughts don't just go away. She is young, beautiful. The hostess is great. Of course, I cherish her, because I love her. But without intimacy, marriage is hard. I feel something is wrong. And what? How to be further? Pretend everything's okay? Just be patient and see what happens? But this is a lie! And lying to yourself and your family is the last thing.

Men have recently been positioned in various women's programs as brainless pets that women must endlessly please, come up with something to keep them, interest them, etc. And what about the men themselves? Few of them fight for their woman, they believe that since she married him and has children, she will not go anywhere.

Guest:

She lived with her husband for 30 years. Conclusions: 1. Everyone changes, believe me. 2. If you want to leave, you won’t be able to hold it back, but, as a rule (according to statistics), women are the first to file for divorce, by the way, they often regret it later. 3. What did you change for soap, your own is already native, and the new one will come - someone else's, you still need to get used to it, and will it find a common language with children (if any). 4. And who said it would be easy? A family is a daily work, if you don’t learn to maneuver, not to notice, forgive, endure - you will live alone, and let whoever likes what, let him choose for himself.

Masha:

I wonder why it is always only a woman who must, must do everything? .. I have been married for almost 40 years and now I don’t understand what I liked about him then? But I still love my husband, we are already like relatives, and I don’t understand how I could leave him! And men at the age of 30, 40, 50, etc. ... leave anyway, there would be a reason! Either I wanted to be younger, or something else does not suit me. At the age of 30, my virtual loves began, but it all took place before my eyes, in a common company, so I was able to stop all this! And you know how, I just made all his friends fall in love with me! And his love showed in all its glory! And he understood everything very quickly! And on the 25th wedding anniversary he said that I was the best ... in every way! So be sure to take care of yourself!

Lapulia:

My dear began to cheat on me at 33 with a pullet (even a child - she was 23). She cried, begged him to change his mind - but no ... He deceived, said that he had abandoned her, of course, I believed. And then she pulled herself together, began to take care of herself and ... found herself a lover 7 years younger. The husband walks on his hind legs - whatever one may say, they feel it.

Let's discuss!