Question to the psychologist:

Hello. My boyfriend and I live together (he is 30 and divorced). At the very beginning of the relationship, everything was fine. We made joint plans for the future, he said that he would happily marry despite the first divorce. He said that he wanted a child (before that, neither I nor he had expressed such a desire). I quit my job and friends, moved to another city with him. And at the moment we have been in a relationship for almost 2 years and the last few months the quarrels have become more and more noticeable, come to the fore. I am a very vulnerable person and it’s hard for me to cope with insults and insults, but he doesn’t care (maybe this is just my view of this situation).

Today's scandal has made it clear to me that if we don't talk about everything seriously, then the relationship will soon collapse. Despite our plans to walk around the city in such good weather, he went to a friend. Unfortunately, it did not happen without a loud clarification of the relationship. I said that this friend is more important to him than me and he is ready to drop everything and rush to him at any moment (it really happened not only today, but almost always). And I'm not against communicating with friends, but not at the expense of relationships. And today I heard from him that "my ex was also against communicating with friends and where is she now?".

I'm tired of constantly enduring insults and not hearing after that the phrase "I'm sorry, I was wrong." I understand that both are always to blame in a relationship, but he does not recognize this and blames me for everything. An attempt to talk ended with the fact that he went to a friend. All my close friends live in another city and there is no opportunity to meet, and I don’t want to talk on the phone. And I don't want to involve others in my problems. Now I'm sitting with thoughts that everything can be solved, but at the same time I understand that it depends not only on me.

There is a desire to pack up and go home, but I understand that my parents will be upset by this and you should not do this in a quarrel, but on the other hand, I understand that only I try to save these relationships, and this is like in Krylov's fable "Swan, pike and cancer." And it is probably important to mention that I want to start a family, have a baby, but lately my boyfriend doesn’t really want it (he thinks that such a goal in life is stupid).

I just don't know what to do now. My soul is torn apart from the fact that I have no one to talk to now, it's very hard. It's just unbearable. I want it to be as important for him as it is for me, I want to save the relationship (if it makes sense), but I can’t imagine how to do it alone (and it’s stupid to think that I myself can somehow influence the situation ).

Forgive me if I did not describe the situation clearly enough, if I repeated myself in some way, I just feel very, very bad right now. I am completely alone.

I beg you to answer my situation.

I don't know what to do with this relationship. What's the best way to do it?

The psychologist Zhemchuzhnikova Valentina Mikhailovna answers the question.

Good afternoon, Irina!

I'm sorry you're in this situation right now. I would like to support you and somehow help you understand yourself.

You write that everything was fine at the beginning of the relationship, but then you contradict yourself that almost always friends were in the first place, and also write about insults and your grievances, and that your man never apologizes, but only blames you for everything. What was beautiful then?

It is difficult to judge your relationship and the reasons for your quarrels. It is possible that your man has not closed those relationships for himself and some of his unlived grievances pop up (the phrase “my ex was also against communicating with friends and where is she now?”) And he is projecting something onto you. never learned to build relationships and discuss problems with a loved one (that is, with you), and prefers to avoid resolving issues by blaming you for everything.

Perhaps something in your behavior is wrong. You left your friends, quit your job. Is there anything and someone in your life right now besides your man? Or all the attention to him and for him it's too much.

Try to soberly analyze your relationship and your man's attitude towards you. Perhaps everything was not so great and you had "rose-colored glasses" that you are now taking off. And then you should think about whether you really want such a relationship further and a family with such a person. Perhaps you will come to the conclusion that it is indeed the last few months that there have been many quarrels and misunderstandings. Then try to sit down and talk frankly about your relationship. Without accusations, reproaches, otherwise there will be a defensive reaction in response - reproaches and accusations against you. Tell the man how much he is dear to you, how valuable your relationship is and what kind of relationship you would like with him. Share your feelings, experiences. Perhaps you will see that your man is really not ready for a family, or perhaps you can discuss what went wrong in the relationship and try to fix everything.

I want a family and children- I heard this request in different formulations a hundred times. Now I'm not bragging, I'm panicking.

In our country, the ratio of the number of men and women is almost the same (I looked at the Rosstat website). This means that if you are a single woman of 30-55 years old, then a single man of the same age is walking somewhere. Pure mathematics. Why so and what to do?

I have three approaches to solving the problem:

1) academic(that is, for psychologists-nerds);

2) realistic(that is, for cynics-truth-tellers);

3) practical(that is, my personal approach, with a touch of an idealistic approach to the world).

Task: “Find the answer to the question: What if you want a family and children, but you can’t meet a normal person?”

I want a family and children: Approach 1. Academic

Not everything is clearly defined in the wording of the request.

What does the term "family" mean to you?

After all, you can easily get married. You go to a dating site, choose a man who has voiced a desire to marry. Next is a matter of technology. It is only necessary to meet his (men's) requirements. Don't tell me that the men on the sites only want a young, slender blonde as their wife. They are also realists.

But! You don't want a stamp in your passport. In addition to the desire to have a family and children, you want to trust and intimacy. Plus bodily contact, the coincidence of sensuality. And this is achieved by a lot of work on oneself. After all it doesn’t happen that they get married - and immediately soul to soul.

Are you ready to go through some (perhaps drastic) changes in order to build a stable, trusting family relationship? What is your limit of flexibility? What will you not go to "for any gingerbread"?

These questions are usually discussed in the psychologist's office. Because not only a person makes a family, but also a family makes a person. What is your idea of ​​a family? It could grow out of the relationship between parents, from reading books, observing other people. You have this idea, it is vital to formulate it.

Who is a "normal person"?

Often I hear - I want a family and children, but how to meet a normal person? To be honest, most often the concept of a “normal” person includes a dozen mutually exclusive requirements. To respect is the first thing they call. How is it? Here is the answer I once heard to a question about respect: “I know that a person respects me if he: Does not harm me, does not interfere in my personal affairs, is kind to me.” In general, everything is correct and understandable. But that's not what you want from your betrothed, is it? What then?

On the other hand, I know ladies who have thought of everything, right down to the menu that their chosen one should prefer. Plus, these ladies, showing a healthy mind, allow deviation from the plan to some extent. This position seems reasonable to me. But it cannot be a recipe for happiness.

Even if you find a candidate who satisfies all the items on the list, it is not at all a fact that a family will turn out with him. The family is a dynamic structure. Therefore, the "candidate" should be "observed" in the process.

Don't you know situations when happy wives said: I never would have thought it would turn out like this. When I met my future husband, he was completely different. I didn't like him at the time!»

Based on both points, the answer to the request in the topic will be:

Just create a cell of society with a person who is pleasant to you. The rest is a matter of technique: work on oneself, on relationships.

These are not empty words! Love is not love. Building a strong family on falling in love is much more difficult than on adult love.

But let's listen to the cynic-truth-seeker.

I want a family and children. Approach 2. Realistic

Cynicism has no place in family relationships. However, without him the world is too harsh, it hurts the tender female soul.

What are you willing to sacrifice?

A fact is a fact: it is extremely difficult to meet a reliable person with a similar attitude to the world, for the sake of which one would not have to break oneself. In addition, it is not enough just to meet. You also need to see what he is. You can ride with him in the same subway car for years, and not suspect that your destiny is nearby.

But you won’t throw yourself on the neck of everyone with the question: “ What do you think about the meaning of life and do you agree to marry a vegetarian?»

Why am I doing this?

Perhaps that is why it is so easy to create families in youth. The foundations are not yet strong, they are not destroyed under pressure, but are being reformed.

Or you need to be very flexible to adapt to the person. I know a story where a woman first loved rock and beer while married to the same man. Then - classics and champagne, married to another. Then a healthy lifestyle and spring water, married to a third. And every time I was happy for a while.

Where's the justice?

The secret is for sure the fracture occurred not only in you, but in both. In the name of justice. The understanding of justice must be general. This is the hardest part. Probably, it is precisely by this definition that one must look for a betrothed. Not by the presence of bad habits and lifestyle.

It turns out that we fill in the wrong columns in the questionnaires on dating sites. You should only write about what your the family should be based on honesty and justice. Having met such a wording in someone else's profile, immediately make an appointment.

Only now no one writes about justice, only about bad habits.

It takes a lot of time to get to the bottom of the matter. Having got to the bottom and seeing that a person bases a family on other principles, you are very disappointed. So much so that you don’t want to dig anywhere else.

Family - the basis of the foundations?

Is the family the only basis of being?

There have always been men and women in whose lives love and family occupied not first place. What were these people doing? They went on crusades, took monastic vows, meditated and waited for satori.

The institution of the family is economically beneficial to society. Family and offspring ensure the development of civilization. But you can pass it on to your descendants. not a gene pool, but wisdom. I will say more about this in more detail.

Do you want a family urgently?

While I am ranting, many will want to interrupt me and object: “ I don't want to look for anything or anyone! I don't want to change myself! I want a family now and here!»

My inner truth-seeker will say that it is the inner child in you who speaks. Who was impatient to "urgently marry." But what if this desire burns out in you as soon as you get yours? In the extreme obsession of desire, a whim is visible. " I want - and that's it! I will NOT do anything else, I will only think about the family that I need!»

Here it would be necessary to recall such concepts as the maturity of the individual, imposed standards. In order not to breed deep psychological wilds in this article, I will be brief. Any obsession is harmful. Even if it is an obsession with the idea of ​​​​creating a family.

What is the moral?

There is no morality. There is only one conclusion - all people are normal. The concept of norm is too broad in society.

It is necessary to look not for the normal, but for the special. Ask questions directly to your face. If the answers did not match the expected - the next.

I want a family and children. Approach 3. My personal.

Offhand, I can immediately name 8 women from the inner circle who are in an "active search". Different ages, with or without children, even different social status. Some of them periodically enter into a romantic relationship, some do not. They have different ideas about where to meet men and how to behave in a male society. But everyone wants a family equally.

There is one common feature of these representatives of the fair sex. They are all waiting.

They are waiting for "love to come unexpectedly."

Something like this happens to us at the age of 25. If before that love hovered around, then then it seems to fly away to others, younger. And for those over 25, it leaves occasional outbursts of romance.

Whether this is due to the hormonal background or social tasks is not clear. But the fact is the fact - the older we are, the harder it is to fall in love. In adulthood, love is a gift of fate. Waiting for this gift to go to you is a terrible waste of life.

What is a sense of life?

There is a curious theory of the meaning of life, the author of which I cannot remember, but I will convey the essence.

The meaning of human life can be on several levels. The goal is always the same - the development of human civilization, the benefit for people.

1. The very first level of goal realization is the preservation and development of the gene pool, the quantitative component of humanity. In simple words, the meaning of life is in the birth and upbringing of children. The very first and basic goal of every individual: to expand his family. This is the local level.

2. The second level of meaning affects a wider range of people. Do something useful not only for your family . For a group of people: firms, cities, a certain circle of people. Example: to become the head of a company in order to competently manage a team and produce a quality product for society. Or take a post in the municipal structure to improve the quality of life. Or do charity work, help the weak and defenseless. There may be different coverage widths. From township headman to president. It is important that the benefit will be for many people here and now.

3. The third level is the largest. Help humanity reach a new stage, make a leap forward. Fateful discoveries, inventions, works. This is the level of a genius, a global approach. Sklodowska-Curie, Cleopatra, Mother Teresa, Joan of Arc - their names will forever remain in history.

Have you matured to love and family?

Every person has a need to love and be loved. I believe that you can find your soul mate at least at 20, at least at 80. But you should not turn this search into an end in itself.

The term "A rich life" implies that it is full of emotions, events of various kinds. Not only family.

When love still comes up - great! Nobody will resist her. On the contrary, it will be received with an open heart with joy, without reproaches: Where were you before?»

Another important point. A one-year-old child really wants to run fast and reach high. But until the legs get stronger and the arms grow, nothing will work out for the child.

Gotta mature. Try, try. Without suffering that the arms are short. Wait for the moment to come. Be ready to catch him.

My daughter reached for the keyhole for two years to open the door herself with the key. Each time she said: Mom, look, just a little bit left! This month, she finally reached out and opened the door herself.

So what if you want a family and children?

I love simple step by step diagrams. Here is a diagram that answers this question.

• Know yourself to the level: I can be happy alone with the outside world!»
• Live life by setting yourself interesting and useful goals that are not related to the family. Live with joy.
• Be open to love. To be ready to accept and give it, without reproaches and accusations that it was not there before. Don't be afraid to discover yourself in a new light. Do not be afraid of emotions, including sadness and sadness.
• Strive for the family in the best way you can. Someone is ready to write in big letters on his car: “I am looking for a husband!”. And someone will look closely at the candidates for years, checking and doubting. The main thing is to understand that this is your choice, and you are responsible for it yourself.
• And the last. Family happiness is the work of the person himself. Do you want to start somewhere? Start with a visit to a psychologist.

Good afternoon I want to apologize right away for my question - I won’t be original, because “my” topic is not new: I’m almost 36 years old, I’m single, I don’t have a husband and children, and never have. I am an attractive girl, there are no problems in communication, I am a cheerful, friendly and sociable person, I know many people, I do not suffer from an inferiority complex, as well as megalomania - I do not specifically look for flaws in men to refuse them. But there is no loved one either. I am very worried about this. I re-read a lot of literature on this topic, psychologists advise not to get hung up, to be in crowded places more, to find an interesting job. Yes, yes, there are interesting classes, I read a lot, I study a foreign language, I went to dances. But the topic of marriage is a sore subject for me, I really want a family, not formally for the image, but a strong family based on love and mutual understanding, children. Doctors are already frightening that in a few years I won’t be able to give birth anymore, old age is not needed by anyone. I noticed that my hands were dropping, I myself began to think about death as a deliverance from this worthless life. On the advice of psychologists, I help others who are worse off than me - with a kind word, deeds, and, if possible, money. I go to church, go to confession and take communion, though not regularly. I am embarrassed to talk about this with the priest of our parish. I sat on dating sites, got either Muslim guest workers, or married people, or boys who were sexually preoccupied. They mostly sit out of boredom.
Tell me - how to find out God's will about myself, maybe I'm not destined to be a wife and mother at all. Then how to calm down, how to stop hoping, live with the thought that you have such a fate, and reconcile.

Recently I found out that one friend got married, another found a man for herself, there is only one stagnant swamp around me, I have no changes. And then I realized that I was very envious, I had never suffered such a sin, excruciating envy was added to despondency and despair. I don't want to live. Without a family, you are an inferior person, then why smoke the sky here? Suddenly, on the Internet, I came across a book by the Orthodox author Vladimir Cherepanov, Secrets of Family Happiness. I read it for a long time - it literally brought me back to life. If you can’t create a family, look for a wormhole in yourself and get rid of it. I am quick-tempered, rude - yes. Touchy - yes. I drink sometimes, yes. Etc. Envious? Already Yes. We urgently need to improve, the author writes, because the Lord does not give families to bad people. The author writes - go in for sports, lose weight if you are fat, etc. I took this into account and I fight with myself. Only one thing is not clear to me - before my eyes there are examples of the opposite - a colleague, a girl is very plump, masculine, rude, constantly swears, including with us, hot-tempered ... but she lives with a man. It turns out that the Lord sent her family happiness. But, in my opinion, Cherepanov is still right - getting rid of bad habits, including excess weight, is necessary, it will always come in handy in life.

Advise how not to despair, I really want to create a good family, work for this. I'm just spiritually dying. I read prayers every day. But every day I think about my biological age and am horrified. "Female" time is already running by the clock - soon you can stay without kids, especially since your health is not so hot.

Friends advise giving birth for themselves - as I understand it, this is a sin. On the other hand - inexorable biological time. In a couple of years nothing will be possible. Many priests advise taking a child from an orphanage - unfortunately, the income does not allow, I cannot support myself and the child alone.

Help me please! I understand that no one can help you except yourself. But these are not words, believe me, I am working on myself, trying to fight the sin of despondency and despair, I am changing. But the soul is still icy longing from despair. I don’t want self-pity and the role of the victim to apply to myself, anyway, I still can’t change this. And no hobbies, etc. I can't compensate for this loneliness. The most important thing is that I’m not bored with myself, but I’m already tired of being alone, I want to earn a family from the Lord. It's real? Or is it not given to everyone? All my friends and those around me are surprised - why nothing works out for me, it would be okay if I were a man, and I would spoil all the relationships myself - otherwise nothing is clear ...

You often think that you can't start a family. But nowadays it is not so important. Well, think about it, this is probably not given to everyone. But in the other direction of life, something turns out better than others. Although, after such conclusions it is easier not to become.

You get distracted for a while, sometimes you forget that you really want to start a family. But the same thoughts continue to spin in my head: “I really want to start a family! What to do? How to be? Here I should have it and that's it! I really want a family!”

And this feeling that undermines from the inside is not going to disappear anywhere. It whines endlessly like a toothache. And sometimes so hard that you want to smash your head against the wall.

I really want a family - to each his own ... Or rather, his own person!

Yes! You are constantly waiting for that one, faithful and reliable man who, like you, really wants to start a family and children. For whom the value of the family is not an empty phrase. The one who will not spend days on the couch with words of love. And he can provide for you and the children.

But for some reason you are always wrong. Sometimes you look back and you begin to remember the men on whom you pinned your hopes. But ... it didn’t grow together, it didn’t stick together, it didn’t work out to create a family. Because she often chose the wrong men. And so I want to know: “Where is he - the one? Where is he - my man? After all, I really want to start a family! I just need it!”

All of my friends are already married. And you keep joking about this topic. You keep preparing new stories about why you are still not married. Tired of making excuses. Someone to explain something. Everything would be different if you yourself knew the answer to the question “How to start a family?”

Where are you, my betrothed? I really want a family and children

People are looking for their soul mates, or soul mates, or someone else. Everyone invents for themselves the image of a partner and adjusts it to fit their ideas. And when a potential partner meets, we have no idea who we've contacted.

Because our desires to see it exactly the way we want it do not correspond to reality. And while we understand this, time passes, during which we manage to make many mistakes and accumulate unpleasant experience. And even get out of a relationship with resentment. And then what? Wait, search and make mistakes again?!

I will definitely get it! Is it possible to rely on luck in the matter of the desire of the family and children?

Certainly! But only this is “lucky” and who and where is lucky is not the probability that will lead to marriage. It's like a finger to the sky ... Why gain an unpleasant experience or, for example, waste time on the wrong thing when there is a great opportunity that will reveal the whole mechanism and all the secrets of relationships.

It will reveal how to see and understand what kind of person is in front of you. With what intentions, what is hidden behind the sweet words of love. Is this really what he thinks. How not to miss someone who may be modest, but will do more to create a family than you think.

How not to wait for fate, but to find out and choose the very one and start a family? If you think: “I really want to start a family, but I don’t know how?!” Then take the first step: start with this article.