EvgeniaPractice
Hello! What is wrong with me? ! 34 years old, beautiful, smart, son 14 years old. Calm, devoted. My friends are very respectful and reckon with my opinion. Colleagues just love it. Why is it so unlucky with men? The first marriage lasted 9 years. Remained on the street. Rented an apartment. With the second "friends" 2 years. He is now 44. There are no children, but there is a Mom). Take us to your place. Lived for two years. These two years he did not work, I worked. But he has an apartment that he rents out, that is, there is no income. Before, somehow, during quarrels, we would be silent, then we’ll talk and that’s it. Then he realized that I could calmly silence him and began to act harder. Doing what he knows will make my heart stop. First to cover with obscenities., I forgave. Then expel. The first time I said go away, I started to collect things, stopped. I realized that he was emotional and stopped responding. He then began to say that I was insolent. Now, during some kind of quarrel, I don’t even remember why, he kicked me out with my son. Well, he kicked me out, he said rudely. I couldn't take it anymore. The next day, about the rules of the son to the parents of the ex-husband and went to her friend. A couple of days later I got a call telling me to pick up my things. I said I was looking for an apartment. He said that he would collect it then, in the evening a text message came that things had been collected. Today is exactly a week, I don’t appear at home, I’m looking for an apartment. My problem is I don't have me. I know that it’s good, everyone is in shock, but it’s hard to believe in it yourself. Help.
What was your war for?
What would you like to get help with?
EvgeniaPractice
Victor, the war was about whether I even have the right to vote at home. Sometimes I was allowed to do this, but if there is no mood, then we argue to the end. For example: I cook, peel potatoes in a bag. They explained to me that it is necessary to save and clean in a bucket. This is just a drop of experience.
Now I look at relationships like this, I was just used, but there is no anger, because I myself allowed it. Thought they would appreciate it.
There is a common. I’ll clarify that the second one was just applied for recently. One had financial problems, I pulled as best I could, never pointing it out to him. And the second one spent two years, I supported him and there were no conversations like It's time to go to work.
My father has always worked, he cannot live without work. Of course, there were days when he had to stay at home, but he either taxied or something else. And my mother worked for two. I thought it was right, honestly.
I want to understand why? Why it is not appreciated and how to avoid this mistake in the future.
Also, I think it's manipulation on his part. And I don't know how to deal with this manipulation. Isn't he going to break just for the sake of character. Or maybe there is another reason.
Hello Evgeniya Praktika.
You described how you and your second husband waged war, each using his own means. A week ago, he used a "crowbar", from which you did not find a reception.
What was your war for?
How do you see your relationship developing now?
Is there anything in common between your relationship in your first and second marriage? How did it happen that you ended up on the street?
You ask "What's wrong with me?!". Can you clarify your question?
And what do you mean by saying "My problem is I don't have me"?
What would you like to get help with?
Why is no one answering me?
EvgeniaPractice
EvgeniyaPraktika, psychologists work at the forum in their free time, from their main activities.
Viktor Lyashenko will reply to you shortly
Evgenia, for now I will have more questions for you. I hope that they will also help you clarify something for yourself.
Isn't he going to break just for the sake of character?
Could it be that you have previously declared (by silent behavior or in words) some of his values as unimportant, unimportant, unnecessary?
EvgeniaPractice
They didn't settle right away. At first, he told me to be the boss), but I was shy, not everything is mine, and they were just friends. And when she moved in with him, how she tried to translate his instructions into a joke. I just couldn't believe that it was possible to behave like that, to think like that.
You describe it in an impersonal way. So, as if your communication with your husband took place in a formal mode, as if between the "cogs" of the system; as between two mechanisms that have nothing to understand each other. Why so?
From the fact that his presentation was the official language. Like an explanation from a leader to a subordinate. He has been a director for a long time. Plus there are two of them. Even his mother always tried to teach.
Could you explain this, describe it in more detail? What were you used for? (again impersonal form.).
Use as a slave force, I guess. Such a fool sits and works, and even helps in the country. Not just helps, but plows, I would say. I understood this thoroughly when my son came to us for a couple of days and I took time off from the dacha. Two days later there was a scandal, they packed my things. The reason, of course, was different. Spoiled cucumbers, a small package, etc. In the meantime, they were collecting things for me, his mother reprimanded me that her heart ached, that the raspberries were crumbling, and I went to my son.
Have you allowed yourself to be used in exchange for what? What exactly did you expect? The price to pay for allowing what use of you as who/what was that supposed to be?
Since you are now pointing it out and talking about it, it means that you did notice it, and it was significant for you. Didn't they show it in either case?
Evgenia, you would like your hard work to be appreciated. How should it be valued? How should this be expressed?
Appreciated simply as a person. Only strangers tell me how good I am. All strangers, but not their own. I call my parents directly and make them say what I am, it’s easier for me). I ask friends. Son. In general, I raise my self-esteem. For 4 years they told me that I do everything wrong. When it came to work, everyone (mother-in-law and husband) fell silent, God forbid offending my son. Nobody said how good you are. You work. And I earn well, also with my mind. Everyone is surprised how beautiful, successful and confident, and also smart (I write dissertations and diplomas, etc.).
I wanted to be told about me at the meeting that I was well done. But it only turned out that oh, Sonny, what a fine fellow you are (well, roughly speaking), and Sonny lost at home playing games in the computer, but not a word about me, just something as a reproach, but politely, by the way, not rude, for which thanks, I can’t stand it coarseness.
What exactly do you mean by his manipulation? That he showed you the door?
Yes. Pointed to the door, having correctly said "crowbar".
What is the purpose of this manipulation, how do you understand it? What does your husband want from you? (And, perhaps, this is what he was trying to get from you all the previous 2 years?).
Complete submission to me and my son.
And what do you mean by "handle this manipulation"? Until now, you have countered your husband’s manipulations with your own manipulations (for example, like this: “I can calmly silence him,” but perhaps you had other ways). So you manipulated each other.
Resisted calmly. At first she reacted, then she understood. I'm not stupid and I'm not going to fall for it. But now all boundaries have been crossed. And I myself understand that manipulation, and sometimes my human qualities say, How is it possible? !
Somehow you very simply declare his motives "just for the sake of character" (not to mention the fact that "character" is not so simple at all).
If a person resorts to such "heavy artillery" (pointing you to the door), then, probably, for the sake of something very important for himself, valuable, necessary? And you declare it irrelevant.
Yes, character. He is a twin) A twin, this is a kapets. Who knows will understand.
Could it be that you have previously declared (by silent behavior or in words) some of his values as unimportant, unimportant, unnecessary?
Not before. I used to be with him as a psychologist, by the hand and for a conversation. At first he was silent, he left, now 4 years have passed, she taught me to calmly find out what happened and so quickly put up. Then be sure to hug, kiss, our traditional words eye to eye. Then he began to do so, if I was offended. But it’s easier with me, he came up and asked, I immediately explain everything, hugged and hi).
And now he is apparently tired, plus his mother broke her leg and all his plans collapsed (they were going to rest). Plus, I'm on vacation, no money is dripping onto the card. Then why me? ! . Plus he's a twin. Plus, the Astrologer told me (my friend's aunt) that now there is an eclipse and something is happening with Mars, everyone is at war)))).
His mother can suck up to him, Sonny, Sonny. She had grown wild, so she was alone all her life and leads with him as with a man, she dispersed everyone of hers, so she was left alone.
Always forgive, forgive. I say, you can ask for forgiveness there at least a hundred times just like that, I don’t participate in this, but I don’t blame you either, I just won’t do it myself. And by the way, in any quarrel Ask for forgiveness! What am I talking about? He, well, it’s clear, it means how you understand, come up, and so it always is. And he never admits his guilt.
Somehow like this)
And I don't know how to deal with this manipulationIt's still not entirely clear what you mean by that. Why would you deal with his manipulations now? What views do you have on your relationship now, what do you want?
Evgenia, in your words one can feel a lot of resentment, bitterness, anger. Can you talk about how you feel about your relationship in general, and about what's going on right now?
EvgeniaPractice
Evgenia, in your words one can feel a lot of resentment, bitterness, anger. Can you talk about how you feel about your relationship in general, and about what's going on right now?
I have no resentment. And there is no bitterness. The usual state when you lose a relationship, even if they were somehow not like that.
EvgeniaPractice
Eugene, since I'm asking you a lot of different questions, some of which can be taken a little harshly, just in case, I note that I'm not attacking you.
but I would like to know how to make a loved one out of a manipulator. After all, as a rule, manipulations of this kind are created by not very self-confident men.First, the word "manipulator" refers to his way of being in a relationship, and the word "loved" refers to your attitude towards him. Therefore, to achieve what you want is possible only through a change in your: a) attitude towards him (you can make him loved by falling in love), b) the way to be in a relationship and communicate.
To do this, it would be good to explore: a) How were you in these relationships, why were they the way they were. b) How do you feel about your husband now? c) What do you want in a relationship?
Do you understand this now or not yet?
Secondly, in your question I hear a desire to remake my husband (for example, to wean him from manipulation and make him "self-confident").
But what came out of his attempts to remake you, you see.
Evgenia, is anything clear for you? What you wanted to clarify for yourself.
EvgeniaPractice
Evgenia, is anything clear for you? What you wanted to clarify for yourself.
Yes, thank you very much. A lot has been clarified. At least if these relationships are lost, then in the next ones I will take into account everything, everything. I hope so)
My problem is I don't have meTo put it simply, you “sold” your real self (your values, desires, feelings) for your good self (“What you ask me, I will do, and you will appreciate and praise me for it”).
Of course, this state of affairs cannot but affect how and what kind of relations develop. Yes, and you probably choose such men so that you can show all your virtues and be appreciated. And it turns out like...
Hello!
Ekaterina is 25 years old.
Tomorrow is my 26th birthday.
So looking forward to this day! From early childhood, this is a special holiday for me, filled with magic, light, kindness. A day when the whole family and friends gathered at the table.
I don't understand what happened today.
The husband gave me a gift in advance: 2 bathrobes and a towel. I treat gifts very easily, for me they have never been the main component of the holiday. But today I did not recognize myself! I burst into incredible anger at my husband for these things! She screamed that not one normal husband would give his wife such things for her birthday, she said that he considers me a whore and a chicken, since he gives such things, etc.!
As a result, I fanned a whole scandal!
Lately I have to work very hard. I work in a shift school for 12 hours almost every day: in the morning I give lessons to difficult teenagers who were expelled from ordinary schools, and in the evening I give lessons to working youth, in the evening I “crawl” home and sit for half the night preparing for lessons!
We live with my parents, we have a 4 year old son. The child does not go to the kindergarten (there are no places). My parents help to sit with the child.
I got married with my husband in the 3rd year of university, a child was born, it was hard, my parents helped (my, my husband's parents died). I endured everything, I thought that it was natural that it was hard for us now! Time has passed. After university, my husband was drafted into the army, I went to work at school, first on the evening shift, in order to be with the child during the day and work in the evening. The husband returned from the army, got a penny job (he works as a security guard in a hotel). There is not enough money. How many times I discussed this problem with my husband - do not count! It seems that he agrees with me, says: “I will look for another job!” Looking for more than a year - does not find. He also does not find a part-time job, although the shift schedule is from 8-00 to 20-00, the next day from 20-00 to 08-00, then dumping, then a day off.
At my school, the teacher quit the day shift and they asked me to work part-time. Now I work for 12 hours by 9 am I leave, and after 21-00 I return.
Work on the morning shift is very hard. Difficult teenagers, who were abandoned by ordinary schools, do not let you get bored, everyone needs to be prepared for the final exam.
The authorities at the school are also not with a simple character, in other words, constant stress at work. The only plus - the salary has become more!
And the husband sleeps until two in the afternoon and after the night shift and before the night shift and on weekends and the salary is 3 kopecks.
And I felt so sorry for myself today! Tomorrow we have to work again from morning to night, and my husband didn’t even order a birthday cake! Although, in my family this is a long tradition - for a birthday we always order beautiful cakes for each other!
And the parents started a renovation in the apartment! And it took me!!!
I say to my parents: “Remember me when you have to pay loans and bills for an apartment! Specially dirt was lit on the eve of the birthday, this is not a holiday for you!
I remembered everything for my husband! The scandal was terrible! All mutual recriminations ended with the fact that I asked my husband to leave!
He quickly packed his things and left. His calmness angered me even more.
And I understand that it’s not about gifts and cakes, but I can’t do anything. So much hatred for her husband has accumulated, so tired. Tired is a defining characteristic of my condition. Tired to such an extent that she began to degrade and fall into childhood, demanding a holiday and gifts!
She kicked her husband out of the house more than once or twice, and all for the same reason (unwillingness to solve domestic problems). Then she returned it. Vicious circle. I understand that he does not want to change himself, and even seeing my fatigue, he will never go looking for another job. It is convenient and comfortable for him to walk along the corridors of the hotel and wear white shirts with a tie! I was so disappointed in him as a man that we even have sex once a month and I don’t get any pleasure from him! But for some reason I always go to reconciliation first and call back. I'm afraid to be alone, I've been with my husband for about 7 years and I've never had other men. I begin to remember how we used to be good together, rarely, but it happened, I begin to feel sorry for him: “How is he poor there alone ?!” and return, until next time.
Today, at our stage, my parents told my husband that if he leaves, then let him not return, he said that he understood.
And I understand that this can no longer continue.
How to be?
Hugging and kissing your husband, meeting or seeing him off, is a sign of complete understanding and love between spouses, peace and harmony in the family.
If in a dream you give your husband a letter addressed to him, having previously read its contents secretly from your spouse, this portends a divorce and division of property through the courts.
If your husband came home from work tired and, moreover, sick, such a dream portends trouble and lack of money.
A cheerful and full of energy husband who returned from hunting or fishing - to prosperity in the house and new acquisitions.
The dream in which you convict your husband of treason speaks of your overly biased attitude towards him in real life.
If in a dream a husband leaves his family in your care, and he himself hides for several days in an unknown direction, without deigning to give any explanations, such a dream means a temporary discord in relations between you, which, however, will soon be replaced by complete agreement.
A quarrel with your husband on the basis of passion for alcohol should make you think about the origins of this weakness of your spouse - is it not in your behavior that they lie?
Burying your husband in a dream portends the arrival of his friends, because of which the apartment will temporarily turn into an inn and at the same time a drinking house.
A dream in which you leave your husband for another person can bring you big trouble in real life because of your too sharp and long tongue.
If in a dream the husband leaves on a business trip, and you act according to the classical scheme, taking your lover on the marital bed, in reality your excessive coquetry will give your husband a reason to suspect something is wrong.
For a young girl, a dream in which she sees herself married does not promise her marriage in the near future.
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