In today's world, aggression is not something out of the ordinary. We encounter negativity on the street, in transport, in the store. At the same time, the house should remain a reliable refuge, and the person who is nearby should be protection and support. If a loved one raises a hand against you, the question arises, the husband beats his wife, what to do. Let's look at the reasons for this behavior and how to resist the aggressor.

Causes of Domestic Violence

Psychology names the following reasons for such a sad phenomenon:

1. Drugs and alcohol.
2. As a child, the husband saw how his father beats his mother with impunity, and she is silent. From what he saw, the child concluded that a man can do anything.
3. The aggressor is unlucky in life, despite all his efforts, so he takes out his grief on his wife.
4. The woman does not resist and takes cruelty for granted.
5. The husband believes that dictatorship in the family is the norm and that the best way not to lose power is constant beatings.
6. A man is looking for a weak victim for self-affirmation, since he cannot cope with a strong opponent.
7. Deviation in the mental state of a tyrant.
8. Difficulties that the husband is unable to talk about lead to aggressive behavior.

In order for a husband not to beat his wife, first of all, it should be understood that cruelty should never be tolerated. Regular beatings often lead to irreversible damage to the victim's psyche, and sometimes end even more deplorably.

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In this situation, the best solution is to leave and think for a while about the advisability of maintaining such a marriage. Keep in mind that you should not count on the correction of the tyrant. After your return, a small spark will be enough to cause rage. He will find a way to avenge you for the fact that you decided to leave.

Psychologists advise after leaving to adhere to the following:

• Seek help from a professional who can help you cope with difficulties.
• Communicate with your husband exclusively in a public place and come accompanied by a relative, girlfriend or colleague.
• Leave the divorce process to an experienced lawyer.
• Do not forget about the child, because for him the separation of his parents is a trauma.
• Do not be ashamed to talk about the reason for the divorce and accept help.
• If you think: “Husband beats, what to do”, then the answer is this: do not be afraid to file an application with a request to punish your spouse for assault.
• Do not take gossip to heart, because it is natural for people to discuss things that do not concern them.

What threatens a domestic tyrant by law

Starting in 2017, beatings inflicted by a spouse or relative are an administrative, not a criminal offense. When sentencing, the degree of harm done to the victim will be taken into account.

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The law provides for 3 degrees:

1. Light, that is, bruises, abrasions, bruises and loss of working capacity no more than 10%.
2. Medium, that is, concussion, fractures. The disorder of health is more than 21 days, and the loss of working capacity is 30%.
3. Severe, that is, there is a threat to life (rupture of organs, loss of vision or hearing, fracture of the spine). In this case, think, the husband beats, what to do, you need to stop and urgently contact law enforcement agencies, because your life is in danger.

If the beating is inflicted for the first time, the man faces an administrative penalty in the form of:

• Arrest up to 15 days.
• Mandatory work up to 120 hours.
• Fine up to 30,000 rubles.

When the offense is repeated, the tyrant is liable under the criminal law. The aggressor is threatened with:

1. Immediately after the conflict, go to the emergency room.
2. Get a certificate from the emergency room confirming the beating.
3. File a police report with a certificate. It is better to submit an application to the branch at the place of the events.

Can a husband improve?

The fear of loneliness is understandable and the desire to maintain relationships is understandable, so many wives are in no hurry to ruin everything. The chance that a man will improve is almost zero. If you still want to try, then you will have to try not only him, but also you.

domestic violence- a complex situation that requires serious investigation. This is what we will try to do today. There is an opinion that violence from a man against a woman is possible, first of all, where there is a place for alcohol or drugs. This statement is not entirely true. Even quite intelligent and seemingly prosperous families can experience such situations. And they are the hardest to deal with. Since, as they say, there are no prerequisites for assault.

Question: What to do if a husband beats his wife? remains open to many women. And all because they do not know that it is they who make the decision. Not everyone can realize that male tyranny is the right path to divorce or to a hospital bed.

Who is the home tyrant? Why do men even get like this?

To answer this question unambiguously, oddly enough, is very difficult. There can be many reasons. And in each specific case, in each specific family, there are reasons and prerequisites. But in any case, no reasons can justify the fact that a husband beats and insults his wife, that is, a strong man beats a weaker one.

Consider the most common reasons:

1. A man completely copies the situation of parental relationships. Otherwise, he simply does not know how. His father "learned" his wife with his fists. In the head of the child, such a model of behavior is postponed as the norm. And that means he should behave the same way.

2. Beating is a way of self-affirmation. This logic is embedded in men - pathological losers. If difficulties arise in their life (professional or everyday), the only way out is to take out the hatred at home, thus relieving stress. Indeed, at work, not everyone will dare to fill the face of the boss, and even more so the loser. No opportunity "express" everything to the offender, which means you can take out the evil on the closest and most defenseless person - your wife.

3. Alcohol and drugs are the most frequent companions of fights and showdowns in the family. A person in a state of intoxication, clouded consciousness is capable of the most terrible deeds. At the same time, he does not control himself, which means he is not aware of his actions. Even the reason "explosion" may later turn out to be extremely small and insignificant, but this will not change the essence. As a rule, in such situations, after the onset of enlightenment in the head, sobering up, a period of repentance begins. But this is only until the next dose. And then everything is according to the script.

4. Some women may unknowingly cause aggression from a man. Such women, as a rule, try to take a dominant position in the family, begin to insult and humiliate men. Sooner or later it can end badly.

5. There are also women who endure everything. Their spinelessness, spinelessness act like a red rag on a bull. The husband hit his wife, and she endured it and kept silent - the situation is common. Man "gets used" to his own impunity and secures behind the scenes for his wife the role of the victim. Such women are usually tormented by a false sense of duty. And they simply do not realize that they endanger not only themselves, but also those around them, for example, children.

Domestic tyrant: typology and behavioral features

The assault has become so widespread in modern society that a whole science has appeared that studies the problem of domestic tyranny. And this science divided male fighters into two types.

"Pitbull"
For him, any quarrel, skirmish or just a skirmish must certainly end in assault. Leading this game, a man (if you can call him that) at first apologizes after each fight, kneels, begs. BUT further outbursts of rage become more frequent, and apologies are uttered less and less. Scandals themselves with or without become a habit, and not a single day can do without them. Even a banal slap in the face can turn into a brutal beating.

Such a person does not listen to anyone's words, he will not understand how skirmishes with his wife may end for him. Aggression overshadows the mind, and here there is a real dependence. According to experts, this "pit bull" falls into dependence on the woman he beats. At the same time, he does not show a sense of guilt, but, on the contrary, suppresses it with the help of new fits of rage and new beatings.

"Cobra"
By and large, this type of sadist is all potential patients of psychiatric cynics. Such "sadists" even they themselves cannot explain for what reason there was an outbreak of aggression. Actually, the reasons are not important here. It is pointless to look for logic in the behavior of such people. Anger becomes all-consuming, and the hand of such a person will rise on a pregnant wife and even on his own child. A woman in such a situation is the most difficult. Since she cannot predict the behavior of this type of male tyrant, it is impossible to predict the moment of attack.

What to do if a husband hit his wife for the first time?

The first shock for a woman in such a situation does not always pass quickly. The beloved man raised his hand to the woman whom he carried in his arms yesterday and called his beloved. The most important thing to do is to calm down. Time in such a situation is the best assistant. Moreover, both the wife and the husband will need time. Both need to understand what exactly happened. Perhaps such an outbreak will never happen again. Then the man will certainly realize the horror of what happened and come running to apologize.

A woman should be patient and analyze the situation. The main thing is to try to find out whether such situations happened in the husband's family, with his parents. If fights were the norm there, then this model is also for the spouse "normal" and acceptable. Hoping for a one-time outburst of anger in this case is not worth it. The situation will repeat itself over and over again, no matter how sincere the husband's apologetic words may seem.

If there were no such scenes in the husband’s family and as a child he did not observe pictures of severe beatings day after day, it is quite possible that his breakdown is an accident. But forgiveness in such a situation is possible only under a clear condition: repetition is tantamount to divorce.

Stop a home tyrant ... is it possible?

A husband beats and insults his wife - well, who will you surprise with this today? Many believe that this situation develops in every family. But it's not right. What's wrong with getting your wife slapped for salty soup? But such relationships in marriage can hardly be called ideal.

In general, it is worth immediately indicating our position: a man who hit a woman once is unlikely to stop there and limit himself to one slap in the face. If a woman finds herself in a situation where the husband hit his wife more than once, but does it with enviable regularity and cruelty, you need to look for a way out. We need to find a way to stop the tyrant.

Unfortunately, in Russia there is no special service that could help a woman who has experienced domestic violence. There are, of course, police and ambulances. But you can count on them only with visible consequences, serious injuries. There is also psychological help by phone, which, alas, cannot help with anything other than advice.

A woman will have to rely only on herself. Even pregnant women, as we remember, cannot feel completely protected. Therefore, it is necessary to develop a line of conduct.

1. Heart-to-heart conversations are the beginning of the path to ending assault at home. If the spouses manage to agree, go together to a specialist, then maybe their situation is not so hopeless. Only a competent specialist will help to understand what exactly caused an outburst of anger and led to beatings, even if they were minor. Only a specialist can help a man get out of this pit of rage and unfulfillment. After all, we remember what kind of men raise their hands against a woman - losers! If the option with the psychologist does not suit the husband, it is hardly worth trying to maintain such a relationship. They definitely won't change. Never.

2. From the first day of life together, a woman must accustom her husband and herself, first of all, to the fact that she is an inviolable person. Under no circumstances should she be subjected to violence. Whatever happens, everything can be solved with words.

3. A woman must, no, must respect herself. Then there will be fewer problems.

4. If the husband hit his wife for the first time, decisive action from the woman should immediately follow. Hysterics have no place here. The woman should calmly pack her things and leave. To a friend, to a neighbor, to my mother in Saratov, anywhere, even to a hotel. The main thing is to let the man understand that such a relationship is categorically not satisfied with her.

5. What to do if the husband beats and insults regularly? Do words have no effect? There is only one answer to this question: you need to leave such a husband, not for a day or a week, but forever. It is difficult to decide on such a step, especially if feelings still remain. But this must be done at least out of a sense of self-preservation.

We declare war on the tyrant

Classic Hollywood movies - what better way to fight male tyrants? Husband beats and insults? Try to do what the character Jennifer Lopez did in the movie "I'm over it". It would seem that a completely happy life, a beloved husband, a wonderful daughter. But happiness collapses overnight, as soon as the husband shows his true face. He is not only unfaithful to his beautiful wife, he is also aggressive towards her and towards the child.

At one fine moment, the woman's patience comes to an end, and she decides to take a desperate step - she runs away from home with her daughter. The solution is simple: no one else is allowed to hurt me and my daughter. Further - revenge and only revenge. A weak woman is unlikely to be able to defeat an adult man. So you need to train the body and fighting spirit.

And here is the result - evil is punished, and with the same coin. A woman can make a man feel like a defenseless victim of a domestic tyrant, driving his victim into a corner.

Much easier, shedding tears, complain to friends and mom: "my husband beat me". But what can a woman herself do to avoid being beaten? Where is her pride, strength and courage? Where is the character, after all? It depends on the woman whether she will endure such a situation or decide to change everything! Unfortunately, this is exactly what women forget.

Hiding is a good defense.

It is not easy to defeat a strong man in an open confrontation, especially if the opponent is three times heavier and stronger. But it's still worth a try. Especially if the house in which the skirmishes take place is the only housing and there is nowhere else to go. Protecting your own life and the lives of children must come to the fore. And in any way no pity for myself, and even more so for my husband.
It is impossible to change a man who raised his hand against a woman. Such a villain will most likely stop at nothing, even his wife's pregnancy is unlikely to sober him up. So the woman will have to fight for her own life and for the life of the child.

What to do to make a man understand: "It won't continue like this"!

Self defense courses- an excellent tool for relieving stress, as well as for mastering the necessary skills. It is quite possible that once putting them into practice, a woman will be able to permanently stop beating her husband.

The provocations of the husband must be learned to be ignored. It helps. For starters, it’s a good idea to just leave the house for the duration of your husband’s outbreaks, and with your children, for example, for a walk. With all her appearance, a woman should radiate self-confidence and calmness. Her husband's attacks on her should not touch her.

If it is not possible to leave the house, it would be good to put locks on the door of one of the rooms. Shelter inside the house is also a good way to hide from a tyrant. The main condition is to always have a mobile phone with you. Often, it was mobile communications that saved women's lives.

Living in the same apartment with a tyrant is not worth it. It is best to find work and rented housing. If there are no children, this will not be difficult. If you can’t immediately rent an apartment, you can ask for help from friends or relatives. It is important to remember that being in the same apartment with an aggressive man is dangerous!

Being with an aggressor husband under the same roof, you should follow a few simple but effective rules.

If quarrels continue with enviable regularity, follow the simplest safety precautions. In no case should you run into the kitchen or the bathroom when a quarrel has begun. Any closed room where there is furniture with sharp corners, heavy or sharp objects is certain death.

Temporary shelter must be prepared in advance. This is an escape route that should always be available. It doesn’t matter what it will be, a friend’s apartment or a crisis center, the main thing is that you can come there at any time of the day or night.

Sitting quietly in a corner and waiting until it comes to assault is not worth it. Call the police as soon as an argument starts. At the same time, it is important to let the police know that you are in real danger. Shout into the phone, scream. Law enforcement agencies are obliged to come to the call and explain to the man that he is wrong in offending his wife or children.

After a fight, be sure to call an ambulance. Doctors must record the beatings, check for bruises and abrasions, make sure there are no more serious injuries. And at the same time check on the sanity of the spouse. It is possible that he can immediately be taken to psychoneurology.

All the most valuable and necessary should be at hand. If a woman has to leave home for a while and even more so forever. A bag with the essentials should be ready. Money, documents, spare things, jewelry. You should not scatter gifts from your husband in such a situation. They are your compensation for physical and moral damage.

The psyche of a woman inevitably suffers from domestic scandals, and even more so from beatings. The help of a psychologist in such a situation will not be superfluous.

Don't forget that your life is the most valuable thing you have. And you are responsible for this life. No one will protect a woman better than herself. Take care of yourself, do not endanger your life and the lives of your children, remaining to live under the same roof with a tyrant and a monster. Remember that no one, even the strongest woman, will be able to deal with such a difficult situation as domestic violence without specialists.

If a husband beats his wife, then ... She deserved it? Is he a scoundrel? This is their family business, will they figure it out themselves? Oddly enough, in our society, which seems to have come out of the times of Domostroy a long time ago, there is no single view on this problem. Especially if you look at it from the outside, with the cold gaze of an outside observer. Here you can speculate enough about the role of men and women in the family, the nuances of relationships, the responsibility that each of the spouses bears for their development. And what will it be like to be at the very epicenter of events? Especially in the position of the victim?

Too often, under the guise of a close-knit family, the union of the victim and the tyrant is hidden.

Who beats his wife, God gives him?

There are very few men who would be clearly aware that by raising their hand against a woman they are doing wrong, to put it mildly. Every domestic aggressor has a “worthy” justification for his act. One has no doubt that the missus herself brought him: she did not greet him, as it should, after a hard day's work; at the wrong time she slipped herself under the arm with reproaches; chirped sweetly with a neighbor in the stairwell - probably for a reason, rubbish ...

Another regards beatings as the most powerful argument in any dispute. The third one sincerely professes the principle “Love your wife like a soul, shake her like a pear”, confident that this is how one should assert one’s position as the head of the family.

By the way, not only our ancestors shone with such pearls. There are a lot of proverbs explaining how to build good relations with your spouse with the help of fists in the languages ​​of other peoples. “Beat your wife, even if you don’t know why, she knows,” they said in Africa. “Without a baton there will be no virtuous wife,” they taught in China. In India, a woman's head was compared with a nail head in a cart: they say, until you hit it properly, there will be no sense. In good old England, it was advised to beat a spouse as often as they beat a gong. And an Arabic proverb says that a man who is not able to slaughter a sheep and beat his wife when he is guilty is not worth living.

Is it really the need to prove one's masculine worth and authority through beatings - an integral feature of the stronger sex, existing beyond time and boundaries?

Violence against women in the old days was the norm. How about now?

The psychology of the aggressor and the reasons for his behavior

Of course, traditions leave their mark on human behavior. But these sayings have been a thing of the past for many decades, why do some continue to diligently follow their, alas, not at all wise instructions? Yes, there are some! According to statistics, in our country every day 36,000 women are subjected to violence by a spouse or cohabitant - and this is only according to official figures. And the chance of dying at the hands of a bastard in the alley by chance for most of the fair sex is much lower than being killed in your own kitchen in a domestic quarrel. What makes the “strong and courageous” regularly raise their hand to their soul mate?

And for some, scandals and beatings are just a love prelude

Under no circumstances can any of these reasons be an excuse for a domestic tyrant. Believe me, he is quite capable of controlling his rage. If the aggressor husband does not throw his fists at the captious boss, is afraid to repulse the two-meter tall man who pushed him out of the line, dutifully listens to the inspector's scolding on the road, but cannot contain his anger alone with a defenseless woman, then he simply does not consider it necessary to do this . For what? Everything suits him. He is good, comfortable, pleasant. And he sees no reason to change his course of action. Sometimes such men get so into the taste that even the presence of children does not stop them - the habit of giving free rein to their hands turns out to be stronger than the voice of reason.

Children in the line of fire

By the way, about children. Women who are stubbornly trying to maintain an alliance with a brawler, “so that the child has a father,” should remember: the youngest, weakest members of the family often fall under the hot hand of the aggressor dad. There is no guarantee that sooner or later the anger of a divorced parent will not fall on the child, especially if the baby is nearby in the midst of a quarrel, rushes to protect the mother, or otherwise shows disobedience. And do not hope that after a crack in the heat of the moment, the unfortunate father will be horrified, repent and become more restrained. Don't forget, he is already used to giving himself free rein within his four walls and has learned to gain respect - or what he considers respect - from his wife with the help of physical violence. What will prevent the aggressor from applying the proven method of education on children? Probably not high moral principles. Not to mention the fact that it is basically impossible to raise a mentally balanced, happy child in a house where abuse and blows are constantly heard.

There can be no normal growing up where cruelty and tears reign

Dry statistics. About 50,000 children in our country run away from home each year to escape being beaten by a parent. About 2,000 decide to commit suicide each year for the same reason. A frightening number of juvenile murderers end up in the colony precisely for the murder of their fathers - out of self-defense or in an attempt to save their mother from daily beatings. So the legendary patience of beaten wives, who by hook or by crook keep the family together, is no longer a mistake, but rather a crime. Or rather, two: the first - against himself, and the second - against his child.

How to deal with domestic violence

A woman who once experienced the brunt of the anger of her beloved, whether it be an official husband or a cohabitant, has two options: to stay and try to restore the relationship that has cracked or leave.

Life on the volcano

The first slap in the face rarely comes as a bolt from the blue. It does not happen that even yesterday a loving and smiling spouse today, as if by magic, turned into a monster with a furious grin and menacingly raised fists. If you analyze the situation, it always turns out that this was preceded by a long period of nit-picking, caustic remarks, and then outright insults to the spouse. Usually a lot of time passes before the future tyrant moves from words to deeds, but most women prefer to turn a blind eye to the growing aggression of their beloved, trying with all their might to find an excuse for him. "He's tired." "He's in trouble." “It’s your own fault, why did you climb with this account from the dry cleaners during football?”

Many wives drive themselves into a corner

Yes, I'm tired. Yes, we all break down from time to time. Yes, he needs your care, patience and understanding. But this does not excuse rudeness and rudeness. It's one thing to angrily quit: "Honey, will you let me watch TV in peace today ?!" and quite another: - "Go away, cow!" The wife, dutifully taking down moral "kicks", will very soon wait for real ones. Therefore, violence must be resisted from the very beginning. Demand respect for yourself. Even the fact that you are “just” a housewife, and your loved one turns over super-profitable projects at work and is immensely tired, does not put him a step above you. The family is a union of equals, and nothing else. He brought his wife into his house, not a stress-relief robot, right?

First hit

So, it did happen. It’s too early to grab a pen and scribble an application for divorce, but you need to take the first steps to clarify the situation immediately.

First of all, calm down. Emotions have not advised anyone anything worthwhile. Take a walk, breathe fresh air, drink valerian or something stronger, and only then analyze the situation. Restore what happened in all the details and try to understand what happened? Was the spouse drunk or sober? Was he himself afraid of what he had done, or was he contentedly looking at the work of his own hands? Did you provoke him, in the heat of a skirmish, speaking vilely about the parents of the faithful or painfully hurting his manhood? Of course, this will not be an excuse: any man always has the opportunity to loudly slam the door, after sending his wife on a long and not quite decent journey, and give himself time to cool down. But it can serve as a mitigating circumstance.

Think about it, do you not too often bring down on the faithful hail of reproaches?

After you think it over and calm down, decide what to do next. Do you want to forgive your stumbled spouse? Farewell. But don't be idle.

Talk to your husband and give him a clear ultimatum: one more blow, a slap, a slap on the back of the head - and you immediately leave him. But keep in mind that the threat will need to be carried out. By forgiving the aggressor for the second and third time, you will show him that all your conditions are not worth a damn.

Take a closer look at your behavior. Become even more affectionate and caring, do not spare compliments for your spouse, indulge him with delicious dishes. Perhaps this breakdown is really caused by a difficult period in a man’s life, which he can overcome only with your support. However, remember that such problems cannot be solved alone. You should see reciprocal steps from the husband.

If a loved one has a really hot temper and he himself realizes it, a family psychologist will come to the rescue. But, again, the decision to go to him should be mutual.

Naturally, you can only forgive someone who has repented himself and is trying his best to make amends to you. If what happened does not seem to your spouse something out of the ordinary, you and this person are not on the way.

Our ancestors knew conspiracies for any occasion

Our forefathers, who no less often suffered from quick-to-kill husbands, had their own ways to restore peace to the family. For example, it was believed that a woman who managed to call her husband “dear” 40 times on the day of the Annunciation would live in harmony with him for a whole year. If more abrupt measures were required, the beaten wife would buy a new hammer and say over it: “Like a heavy hammer it does not rise, so that such a servant of God would have a heavy tongue, would not rise and would not swear. Be my words strong and sculpting from now on and forever. Amen." You can also use the ancient conspiracy, but only as an aid. Hoping for the help of higher powers, without taking any action to improve the situation, is still not worth it.

Run Lola Run

Were you gentle and patient, surrounded your husband with warmth, sincerely tried to forget the case when you were so humiliated, and in return you receive only new portions of insults and slaps? Alas, it does not make sense to continue in the same spirit, hoping that one day your loved one will appreciate your sacrifice. How it makes no sense for the eleventh time, smearing blood and tears on your cheeks, to listen to assurances that "this will not happen again." Will repeat. You have connected your life with a person for whom assault is not an isolated egregious case, but a great way to discharge, and he has already got a taste for it. Think about it, is your marriage really worth it to cover up bruises before every exit to the street? Hardly. Does the vague “but the children have a father” compensate for the stresses that they will receive by living in the same house with the aggressor? Hardly. Also, do not forget that such people only become tougher over time, and sometimes they completely lose all control over themselves, so in the end you may have to pay for your patience with your life.

Fight for your happiness, do not surrender to the mercy of fate and the aggressor!

If it was not possible to change the situation, without any pity, pack your things and leave. Once and for all. For years, running between the parental home and the house of the ex-spouse is a hopeless business. It is better to spend time and effort looking for a new half. The one that will be able to keep his fists in his pockets.

Often a tyrant who has come to his senses is unwilling to let go of his prey so easily. In the course there is blackmail by children, suicide, threats of physical violence ... How to be?

First of all, realize that you are only responsible for your own life and the lives of your children. An adult capable person is not your concern. Many husbands tell their wives that they will kill themselves in the event of a divorce, but very few actually intend to do so. Think for yourself, if you are so dear to him, why doesn’t the faithful make an effort to stop beating you at every opportunity? Why does he demand that you sacrifice your peace and health, while he himself will not make an elementary effort on himself for you? Is it not because, in fact, he loves only himself, and he needs you only as a cook, a servant and a whipping slave all rolled into one?

If you fear that your spouse will force you to stay, give up the idea of ​​demonstrative leaving. Quietly and carefully prepare your escape routes.

Just do not, following the advice and feedback of determined women from social networks, take a frying pan at the ready and try to restore justice on your own. Firstly, are you sure that in a moment this pan will not be pulled out of your hands and will not fall on your own head? Secondly, can you accurately calculate the force of impact? The article “exceeding the necessary self-defense” is a very unpleasant thing, especially if the former beloved, after meeting with a cast-iron object, ends up not in intensive care, but in the morgue.

Video: How to live with a man who raises his hand to you?

Beating the weak - a woman, a child, an animal - is the lot of scoundrels and cowards. There are only two situations in which you can forgive a bruise under your eye with a light soul: it happened by accident (showed a friend the size of the pike caught and did not calculate the swing of your hand) or you are passionate about martial arts and regularly ask your spouse to keep you company in training. Everything else is unacceptable and requires immediate response, up to the most severe. Don't wait for the situation to finally get out of control, take on its correction or leave. There is no third.

Question for psychologists

I have been working in the police for almost 20 years. In addition, I have hobbies, I am a hunter and a fisherman, besides I am engaged in trike hang gliding, I am 39 years old. My wife is 27 years old, and she and I are not the first time (I am the third and she is also the third time) married, Everything in bed and as a hostess she suits me completely, but we do not have mutual understanding. we always suspect each other of something - we are jealous that she, that I. Often just out of nowhere. Due to frequent separations and due to duty (she studies at the institute, and I go fishing or hunting), sometimes for 2 months, we quarrel, sometimes it comes, on my part, to assault. But we again put up and live what -time is peaceful. We love our friend's orug very much. But for the last time, after the next session, I again made a scandal because of jealousy. Although now I realized everything that was happening. but she doesn’t want to listen to me. For 2 months (which we live separately, each in our own apartment, we periodically have sex, of course, I feel that there is no relationship, as with a loved one. and I understand that I offended her very much. What and how I didn’t beg her, asked for forgiveness, crawled on my knees, but she says that she doesn’t love me, and most importantly, she doesn’t believe that I have changed. I really, really changed, Really realized that I can’t live without her, I love her very much.Now I'm desperate.I can't sleep, in fact, at night.I can't calm down, neither pills nor other sedatives help me sleep.I'm really in despair.What can I try to do?I think that love lives in her, but she is under a deep layer of resentment and distrust ... HELP HELP! life is not sweet without her, how to convince her that I won’t be anymore, I will do my best. just tell me what to do? souls!!!

Hello Yuri! In order to show her that you have realized - it’s not enough to walk on your knees and say that you can’t live without her - in such an action and in such words it DOES NOT say anything about your feelings, that you understood and analyzed the situation and therefore she DOES NOT see, What exactly has changed on your part? Now you need to realize and weigh everything yourself - remember and sort out the specific situations of your quarrels - in order to see what contribution you yourself made to the development of these quarrels - where and what went wrong, which led to such an outcome and when you will talk to her in this vein - she will already hear you - hear that you not only yearn for her, but also that you understand where and when you brought her pain and in what? most likely - there is a style of relationship between you that does NOT bring openness and trust to your relationship - you each separately voice NOT your feelings to your partner, but translate it into criticism and accusations and a natural reaction to this is only protection, hiding your feelings ( expectations from a partner) - you thereby only move away from each other! but having exposed them, having learned how to convey everything constructively to each other - both of you can help the relationship really develop, and not turn into a battlefield! and if you really want everything to change - and not just her back (after all, what then - everything will continue in a circle again?), but both of you were able to build relationships together - then changes are needed for this - both on your part and with her side (after all, relationships are the contribution of both!) - after all, everything can be conveyed without resorting to assault (and for a woman it is painful - the very fact that a man was able to raise his hand and so show his strength)!

In general, Yuri, if you really decide to sort out the situation and help your relationship, you can feel free to contact me - call me - I will only be happy to help you!

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Dear Yuri! From the context of your letter, this signaled to me personally:

- "I work in the police" (did you accidentally start with this statement, and was it so important for the situation you describe);

- "Everything is in bed and as a hostess she suits me" (consumer attitude towards his wife, a very convenient toy, you can sometimes break something in her (for example, hit);

- "Now I'm desperate" (of course, they took away their favorite toy);

- "I won't do it again" (little boys used to be put in a corner for this, for broken toys, even if they asked for forgiveness).

How do you like this angle?

Ask yourself: What games do you both play? And will you be able to grow up yourself, without waiting for "psychotherapeutic pranksters" (sorry, but this is the expression of a famous psychotherapist).

I recommend: to a psychologist - to deal with yourself and understand whether you have really changed, and in what way, in order to make sure that you do not lie to yourself, just to get your favorite "toy". Maybe they will tell you about the roles of "Rapist Victim". Maybe not.

With all due respect and love. ON THE.

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Yuri, I completely agree with the previous speaker!

How to "convince her that I won't do it again"? And how do you know. what will you no longer? It is important for you to deal with your previous marriages (without working on mistakes, you will continue to marry and divorce), with the fact that you yourself suffer in the "aggressor = victim" connection (sometimes arrange a massacre, then "beg, just forgiveness, crawl on your knees ") ... For a woman, such a swing on a swing with a maximum amplitude is not necessary, and she is tired, her feelings are hurt. And the willingness to "make every effort" is alarming, maybe the efforts will again be expressed in a breakdown, a surge of jealousy (are you clean and innocent yourself? Usually they suspect others in case of self-doubt, or project something "their own").

And the childish "just tell me what to do" ... Your frequent divorces, by the way, speak of immaturity, both phrases and actions. In order not to be "prompted" - hints will not suit you! A person can do what he is ready for, capable of, what is in the zone of proximal development. In the meantime, you are not in the know, neither about the goal, nor about yourself ... Going to a psychologist is the right decision. If you dare to explore your... family of origin. Everything from there.

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Hello Yuri.

You are right, it looks like your wife is very offended. And it seems that your apologies are not enough to cure her pain. And in this context, the question "how to convince her" sounds strange. Look at the facts: you beat her more than once and every time, I suppose, you promised that there would be no repetition. And then they beat me again. It is logical that based on her experience, she does not believe you. But that doesn't mean all is lost. In my opinion, it is first important to deal with accumulated grievances, and then with jealousy, because of which, according to your letter, all this is happening. This can be done in pair work with a psychologist. Which will allow you to see what is happening a little wider, to tell about your experiences a little more than you usually do.

If this is an option for you, I'd be happy to help.

Sincerely,

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Aggression is one of the integral components of the modern world, which has a negative connotation. People are faced with its manifestations in the form of rudeness - while driving a car, in line at a store or clinic. Such episodes are quickly erased from memory, as they are perceived as ordinary situations. Another thing is when aggression becomes one of the components of family life. The family, by default, is a kind of island of comfort, where each of its members can feel safe from the effects of the outside world. But what if the husband beats his wife? According to psychologists, the fact of domestic violence is a serious reason for thinking about how strong the relationship between spouses is and whether they need such a relationship.

Women are gentle creatures that we, men, must cherish and protect.

Breaking stereotypes

First, let's take a look at an interesting statistic. Approximately twenty percent of married men are victims of domestic violence. Many women who have power in the family use physical influence on their spouse as evidence of their innocence. However, in most cases the perpetrators of domestic violence are tyrannical men.

How often do we hear the phrase "Beat means love"? After all, it is with this saying that many women try to justify the aggressive actions of their chosen ones. In order to understand the reason that a woman allows her man to raise his hand, you should familiarize yourself with the psychological background of female behavior.

There is an opinion that upbringing in similar family conditions leads to the fact that a woman has a psychological attitude associated with recreating the model of parental relationships. But in fact, everything is completely different. According to the survey, most victims of domestic violence experienced an acute lack of maternal love in childhood.

Women who grew up in such conditions choose men who have faced similar life difficulties as a couple. This similarity allows you to create a strong emotional bond between partners. At the initial stage of the relationship, the girls are in the firm belief that their chosen one is able to understand all their emotions, feelings and experiences. But in reality, this may mean that the tyrant has chosen the ideal victim for himself.

According to psychologists, in such a relationship, a strong psychological bond is created between spouses, which is almost impossible to break. The quiet period can be described as passion and emotional attachment. Lovers abandon the whole world around them and completely dissolve in each other. The length of the marriage only strengthens this bond and makes it more difficult to find a way out of a difficult situation. The longer the marriage, the greater the severity of the violence caused by "love." It is the emotional attachment that makes the victims believe in the words that such actions will remain in the past.

This behavioral model is one of the manifestations of the "Stockholm syndrome". A woman finds excuses for her husband's horrifying behavior and forgives him for all his sins. The fact of forgiveness of causing physical harm to one's own health can be characterized as a manifestation of emotional dependence. In many such families, a man forbids his chosen one to work, which significantly reduces the circle of friends and deprives them of funds for an independent life in the event of a divorce. An attempt to leave the family can turn into threats and new episodes of physical violence, since a man also depends on his chosen one.

Each family lays in its child ideas about the family, where the relationship between parents is taken as the basis

Types of temperament of men with a tendency to violence

To begin with, it should be said that not all men with the personality psychotypes listed below show excessive aggression towards their loved ones. Moreover, a male tyrant can be the owner of a completely different set of personal qualities, and show aggression due to other reasons. However, let's focus on people whose psychotypes are characterized by tyranny and a desire to dominate.

Epileptoid - this type of personality tends to get annoyed because of little things. People of this type are pedantic, accustomed to order, vindictive and stingy. Any oversight on the part of the chosen one can bring the epileptoid out of himself. They like to find fault with various actions, manifestations of emotions and feelings. In their chosen ones, they choose women who have similar personality traits or those who occupy a high social status.

Epileptoid men see an equal in a woman, so the respect of such a spouse should be earned. It is important to pay attention to the fact that other women are unlikely to be able to cope with the similar character of a man who uses his fists as arguments in a dispute.

Paronoid personality type - can be described as a suspicious and embittered person, prone to groundless jealousy. A woman with such a husband should be prepared for constant claims, reproaches and aggression. It should be noted that at the beginning of a relationship, paranoids create an image of courteous and noble personalities. But in fact, such people are sadists who experience real pleasure from violence. According to psychologists, such men first hurt, and then apologize for their deed for a long time. Tearful pleas on their knees bring them as much pleasure as pouring out accumulated aggression. Women who are not ready to accept such rules of the game will have to face the dire consequences of such an alliance.

Excessive aggressiveness in the behavior of a man can be caused by the following factors:

• the presence of traumatic brain injury;
• tough approach to the educational process;
• in the family where the man grew up, there were often scandals ending in beatings;
• poor performance during schooling;
• problems with discipline, and aggression towards living beings in childhood;
• lack of empathy for loved ones.

According to psychologists, the above factors do not always lead to a craving for violence. Men with a strong will, have the ability to carefully control their own behavior, feelings and emotions. However, prolonged exposure to stress factors and psycho-emotional stress can cause the “birth of a monster”.

Unfortunately, not every person is able to recognize the existence of difficulties and try to correct the situation in those moments when it is still possible.

Too often, under the guise of a close-knit family, the union of the victim and the tyrant is hidden.

Causes of Domestic Violence

The causes of domestic violence are closely related to the fact of demonstrating one's own power. However, this is only a superficial opinion. The real reason for the beatings lies in the complete impotence in the face of the problem that has arisen. Aggression can become habitual behavior, because a man does not feel resistance and feels his impunity. Such behavior can be characterized as an internal struggle between the behavioral model of a "real man" and a "non-male" manifestation of emotions. It is this struggle that is the true cause of tyranny.

The breakdown of the spouse may be due to the fact that the open manifestation of internal experiences is unmanly behavior in the modern world. The accumulated nervous tension spills out on loved ones, namely on the spouse. At the same time, the true reason for such a manifestation of aggression is the need to feel women's care and support. If in this situation, the woman does not pick up the right words, she will be beaten. Thus, a man tries to fight his weakness, but it is the woman who suffers.

Husbands who have a dominant role in relationships may react strongly to their wife's conversation with other men. In this situation, beatings are a method of suppressing the fear of loss and loneliness. In this example, it is very important to consider the quality of the sexual life of the spouses. Lack of attention from his wife, her frequent meetings with friends or relatives can make a man feel indifference and rejection of his half. It is these feelings that give rise to episodes of aggression.

There are also situations in which wives independently provoke their husbands to such behavior, without even realizing the full consequences of their actions. Frequent expressions of dissatisfaction, ridicule, attempts to resist meetings with friends can lead to physical punishment for showing hostility. Despite the fact that men are wrong in this case, they believe that violence has a good reason, which is dictated by the situation.

“Beat your wife, even if you don’t know why, she knows,” they said in Africa

Violence motivated by alcoholism

Alcoholism - can make a loving husband and a wonderful family man, a cruel tyrant who revels in his power. According to statistics, in families where a man suffers from alcohol addiction, most conflicts end in fights and cause serious physical injury.

A man who "looks into a glass" and shows aggression can even commit the murder of his wife.

If a husband beats his wife when he is drunk, you should immediately break off the relationship. We hear this stereotype from the blue screens and often come across it in print media. In fact, subsequent events play an important role in this issue. Many men, having sobered up and realized their actions, understand their consequences, and show a willingness to fight their vices. In this situation, the departure of a woman can only aggravate the condition of a man and cause a suicide attempt.

However, if the faithful did not come to realize his mistake, one should not hesitate to break off relations. The first episodes of domestic violence caused by the influence of alcohol can affect only you, and later on the children. Such behavior of a parent can leave a deep negative imprint on a fragile child's psyche. In addition, the force of aggression will increase with each episode, which sooner or later can lead to tragic events.

Women who have experienced domestic violence are wondering if it is possible in such a difficult life situation to try to save their union. “Why does a husband beat his wife” - psychology can help find the answer to this question. A joint consultation with an experienced psychologist can help find the cause of the spouse's aggression and resolve existing family conflicts. At the same time, a woman will be able to choose the right model of behavior that will help her not only defend herself, but also resist the tyrant. The presence of a desire in a man to change his behavior suggests that there is a possibility of preserving the family.

According to statistics, in our country every day 36,000 women are subjected to violence by a spouse or partner.

The advice of a psychologist can help create clear boundaries in the behavior of each of the partners. A woman should be ready to respond if the need arises. In this situation, a man must be aware of all the consequences of his incontinence. In the event that an attempt to negotiate was unsuccessful, you should part with the person, since aggression will only increase. Some wives are afraid of the judgment of their relatives, which makes them endure rude treatment. You should not listen to the advice of others who assure that the situation will change for the better.

In this case, the severity of violence is not important. Light slaps can eventually turn into real beatings, fractures and head injuries.. If you do not want such an outcome, you should prevent the development of such a situation at the very beginning.

Remember that you are responsible not only for your health, but also for the health of your children. These functions are initially entrusted to the spouse, but in the case of tyrants, one should accept the simple fact that these duties are not within the competence of the man. Many people believe that both spouses are equally responsible for domestic violence, but this is far from the case. Only in the case when the mental health of a man is normal, and he respects his wife, is there a possibility of change. Unfortunately, this outcome is extremely rare.