"My husbandbetrayedme because I loved another.

" Ican't forgivehim as he could, just when it was difficult for me!”

"HeI forgot everything is goodwhat I did for him, now he shares the forks and spoons.”

"Hestepped overthrough us with the child and went on, and we were left alone.

“I want him to always have everythingwas badand that he be treated the same as he treated me.

How much joy in love - so much grief in betrayal. There's nothing you can do, if it happens, you have to go through it. No need to run to fortune-tellers, come to your senses, this is unworthy of you and extremely dangerous. Of course, when the husband left, you don’t want to live. You ask yourself all the timefor what? The husband will certainly find the answer, but why do you need it?Why did he love you?Yes, for nothing. And now I've fallen out of love, it's simple. There are also statistics on this topic: more than half of men cheat on their wife during her pregnancy, but, after the birth of a child, they stop relations with another woman. But it also happens otherwise, when he quickly falls in love, “gets attached to his heart”, and his wife and the years lived with her become indifferent. It's just a page turned, and now he has a different life with another woman. And the fact that the wife is alive hurts her, he is moreNotworries.Not even children herestop. And those couples that live only for the sake of children and a conscientious husband secretly loves another, and the wife pretends not to know anything, are unfortunate people. All these feats for the sake of childrencompletely in vain: no matter what you do, the children will judge you anyway.

If you lived with each other through force and often swore, the child will grow up and say that you ruined his life and it would be better if you divorced. And if you divorced, he will again say that you ruined his life and you should not have divorced. Either way, you will be at fault. It's not because your child is so ungrateful. just kidsAlwaysblamein all your troublesparents. By the way, they are not so wrong, if you think about it. If there is no more love in the family, then what to save and how to warm each other? The fire went out and it is better to disperse with dignity. But this is just the most difficult because the man is eager to leave as soon as possible at any cost, and the woman does not want to let go for anything, also at any cost.

There are heartbreaking scenes, often with children, and the point is simply that he wants to befreeand she doesn't want to beone. "Now I'm going to jump out the window!" - this is not the worst thing that you can hear there. Yes, leave the womanwhom he loved, a child, to deprive them not only of his presence in the house, of his love, but also of the money that he brought, is cruel. But do not try to stop the man, he will only cause you more pain. Remember what the French say:"they only betray their own" . What did you think thathusband foreveryour?What, are you out of your mind? Why did you suddenly decide that he would never fall in love again? Because you do everything for him?It has nothing to do with love. In any good hotel, everything will be done for you as you like; Are you going to love the hotel staff all your life now? Of course, you are not a maid, no one compares, but you are no longerThe Best Woman. Don't be embarrassed, you won't get him back. And remember yourselfunpleasantwill. And do not ask why and how he could. Realize that you are not to blame. Of course, if you are not a bitch and have not brought him to a divorce. Do you think that without you he does not know that you do not deserve such a fate? He knows very well. And you are trying to explain to him what a traitor he is. Think for a minuteFor whathe needslisten to all this?

What a scoundrel he is, and how difficult it will be for you now and how to explain all this to a child. You yourself made a mistake when you decided that if you live happily, then this is for you for life.There is not much happinessit is a rarity in the world, and for some reason you decided that you would have it in bulk until they put you in the grave. So let the husband go where he wants. And by the way, stop calling him your husband, he was while he lived with you. And, if he wants to go to another life, then you should have another life, only your own and without him. A man without a leg after an amputation is also somehow strange at first, and then nothing, he gets used to it. Think better where to take the money, which you will now miss.

And do not tear your heart, imagining how he has fun with another and laughs at you. Believe me, no one even remembers you there.. And if so, since there is no more room for you in his soul, then you will fire him from your life forever. Just don’t drop yourself, don’t come up with any emergencies due to which he should immediately arrive: “Come urgently, I slammed the door, I’m standing here without a key in one dressing gown on the street!” “Hurry, come, I fell and probably broke my leg!” and so on. I understand that to you it would be much easier if he died . Because he would have died a husband, not a traitor, and you would have been loving.a widow, not an abandoned woman. But, Unfortunately, he is alive. Therefore, bring yourself to the next events of your life in a normal state, and not as a patient in a clinic of neuroses and nervous diseases. The most common thing that comes to the mind of an abandoned woman is to swallow pills and die. And he, a scoundrel, so that later he would go all his life to the grave and sob there, realizing who he had lost. And everything will be exactly the opposite: if you suddenly die foolishly, he will have one less problem, that's all. So better come to your senses, understand that you have not lost much and become a happy woman with someone else. Believe me, it's real, even if you don't believe it right now. The way it was with him will no longer be, but it will be different. And what if it gets even better?

Modern marriage is like a powder keg, because people who enter into a family union and take an oath of allegiance can easily break it. The reasons for such actions may vary depending on each individual couple, but there are general methods by which you can restore a relationship or simplify the recovery period after a betrayal. Next, we will talk about how to survive the betrayal of her husband, and the advice of psychologists will allow you not to break firewood in saving your own marriage.

Should I forgive my husband's betrayal? The advice of a psychologist must be used based on the individual characteristics of the faithful and the specific situation. First of all, it is necessary to find out the reason that prompted the spouse to go to the left. Many modern experts in the field believe that women most often cheat on their husbands because of a lack of attention or out of revenge (much less often). In men, there are more reasons for adultery, among the main factors it is worth highlighting:

Sexual dissatisfaction

It is one of the most common reasons for cheating. Men need not only an active sex life, but also a certain variety in the intimate sphere. In order not to bore each other, both partners must work both on themselves and on relationships. Many wives eventually begin to perceive their own husbands as a home interior, it seems that the spouse is constantly at hand, and he has nowhere to go (“who else besides me might need it?”). Such an approach hurts male pride, and if a person has the remnants of self-respect, he will not tolerate such an alignment.

Incompatibility of life orientations

Each person has a set of own values, ideals and life guidelines. A man can make demands on a woman such as grooming, openness, maintaining appearance in proper condition and readiness to provide support in difficult times. In the case when both partners look at the joint future in the same direction, husbands rarely think about going to the left. However, in the opposite situation, when the spouses move away from each other, all the prerequisites are created for finding a passion on the side.

The need for self-assertion

He is a leader, and for a truly triumphant victory he needs a battle or a long struggle. Her absence entails the fading of interest in the subject of the opposite sex and the search for a woman who will make her partner feel like a real conqueror. The desire to win at all costs is the driving factor leading to various discoveries in science and technology. It also sometimes makes monogamy a difficult test for a man.

Boredom and monotony in relationships

If a relationship continues for more than four years, it has a good chance of turning into a routine where two people just tolerate each other. The accumulated disagreements and hidden grievances sooner or later come to the surface and result in scandals and the spouse's search for consolation on the side. When a man is already over 40, and by his age he did not have time to realize himself in the creative field and climb the career ladder, he begins a crisis. An inferiority complex on the basis of a lack of self-realization often pushes for treason.

Statistics say that the most prone to cheating are men of a narcissistic warehouse, prone to narcissism and having a selfish character. It is incredibly difficult for men of this type to control themselves when a compliment is addressed to them from the lips of a pretty girl. Such subjects change much more often, because they constantly need new facts that reinforce their viability and attractiveness.

This is interesting! Jealousy is a kind of generator, fueled by insecurity and fears. Therefore, men, as a rule, leave excessively jealous women for less insecure ladies with higher self-esteem.

Do I need to forgive my husband's betrayal: the opinion of a psychologist

Is it possible to forgive a cheating husband? The psychologist's answer will vary depending on a number of circumstances and the attitude of the spouse towards him. believe that adultery has the right to forgiveness in the following situations:

1. The betrayal was random (one-time) in nature and was provoked by her husband's long stay on a business trip or an excessive dose of alcohol drunk at a party.
2. The man sincerely repents of his misdeed and wants to make amends at all costs.
3. Having common children. Divorce most negatively affects the psyche of a minor child. However, the constant scandals of parents on the basis of jealousy pose a serious danger to children.
4. The betrayal occurred on the basis of jealousy or revenge.

Psychologist's advice on how to survive the betrayal of a man is not to overreact to this unpleasant event. For most women, infidelity causes outbursts of rage and outbursts of anger, but it is worth waiting for them to subside. Deep long exhalation helps to cool the intensity of emotions. In the future, you should not suppress the surging feelings of disappointment and resentment in yourself, but it is strongly not recommended to cultivate pity in your address.

Sincere forgiveness of the fact of infidelity is necessary for the woman herself, since a cocktail of anger, resentment and disappointment is very destructive and can lead to the development of chronic diseases. It is important to accept the whole range of negative feelings associated with the betrayal of her husband, and admit to herself that she is confused and angry. Only after that you need to take steps to get rid of the blues as soon as possible and restore peace of mind.

How to survive the betrayal of her husband and? Psychologist's advice: first of all, stop placing all responsibility for what happened solely on your spouse. In any conflict situation, all its participants are to blame. Discord usually begins where there is no mutual respect and understanding, so it is worthwhile to objectively assess your own role in the problem that has arisen. Women who have experienced stress after they have revealed the truth about their spouse's trips to the left can be given the following recommendations:

1. A conversation with her husband “frankly” must certainly take place, and this unpleasant discussion cannot be put off indefinitely. You should not remember old grievances and claims, but pay attention to discussing the betrayal that happened.
2. Partners need, without swearing and quarrels, to identify those qualities that annoy them in each other the most. Then everyone should express their own opinion and offer their vision of solving the problem.

Even if the rival was eliminated, and the husband swears an oath to pay all attention exclusively to the family, you should not rejoice too much. The fact that the passion disappears from view will not affect the fact that the spouse will constantly compare his wife with his mistress, and this comparison will often not be in favor of the wife.

It is important! If a difficult conversation with your husband is scheduled for a certain time in a particular place, you should not come there with eyes swollen from tears and lack of sleep and dull skin. It is important to take care of your appearance, demonstrating grace, irresistibility and self-confidence at a meeting.

How to survive cheating husband? Psychologist's advice: do not make a deal with your own conscience, trying to return "as before" by hushing up the problem. Aggressive behavior with breaking dishes and noisy scandals also does not lead to any positive results, as well as attempts to put pressure on pity. The negative will need to be thrown out later, directing it to the least destructive channel, without harming the people around.

It is necessary to come to terms with the fact that it will take a certain period of time to heal the spiritual wound after the betrayal of the faithful. Longing and sadness will pass sooner or later, and instead of passively waiting for happy changes, psychologists recommend that you come to grips with it. If finances allow, you can break loose and go on a trip with your beloved friend. A sharp change of scenery and new experiences accelerate the period of getting rid of stress.

If partners, after discussions, have made a balanced decision to stay together, psychologists recommend that they take active steps to get closer to each other. It's best to take time out from work, entrust the children to the temporary care of grandparents, and go on a trip or a romantic cruise together. The intoxicating atmosphere of a second honeymoon is perfect for starting a relationship with a clean slate.

In modern society, there is an opinion that a proud and strong woman should solve her problems on her own and not complain about the difficulties to others. In fact, there is nothing shameful in turning to friends and relatives for help, inquiring about their honest opinion about the current situation and enlisting their support. In the absence of comrades and kindred spirits nearby, you can lay out the accumulated pain and disappointment on a piece of paper, read your own torment aloud, then burn them and scatter the ashes to the wind.

Often, leaving a walking husband is the best option for the development of events. Many women believe that it is worth closing their eyes to the fact of adultery and continue to live as if nothing had happened, so as not to injure children, relatives or friends. The variant of silence has low efficiency, and a woman should not make a deal with her own conscience in order to save a marriage that has long been “bursting at the seams”.

How to forgive cheating husband? : first of all, it is necessary to understand that the idea of ​​​​a spouse is far from always identical to the true state of affairs. In any problematic situation, you should try to look at it as objectively as possible, without speculation and unreasonable assumptions. It is also reckless to passively wait for the unfaithful spouse to come to their senses and decide to return to the family. Seeing weakness in the actions of his wife, the husband is unlikely to suffer from remorse or change the vector of behavior.

What a wife should not do after her husband's betrayal: advice from a psychologist

Stress after a husband's infidelity lasts longer and is more difficult for women who are not aware of the reasons for adultery and shift all responsibility for what happened to their spouse. In a fit of anger, any person is able to do such things that problems will only increase in the future, so women who learn about the fact of their husband's infidelity should use the following practical recommendations:

1. There is no need to make any attempts to meet with an opponent and talk to her "face to face". If the spouse's mistress turns out to be younger, more successful and beautiful, it will be very difficult to recover from a blow to pride. To provoke a rival into a scandal or to put pressure on pity with arguments like “we have two children who will go through a divorce and miss their father” does not make sense.
2. It is strongly not recommended to show excessive aggression towards the husband. It is necessary to recognize the fact of committed treason, and not go on the offensive. It pays to be clear about your position, whether it's a decision to divorce or to pause the relationship in order to consider the final verdict.
3. It is useless to try to shame or win back a husband by spreading the word about his infidelity among relatives, friends and colleagues.

Some women who have a grumpy and grouchy character, after the betrayal of their husband, rush to the other extreme, and change their behavior from aggressive to emphatically friendly. Some of them visit a beauty salon and a hairdresser in the hope of attracting their spouse in a new way with a bright appearance combined with flattery. Most psychologists are of the opinion that such an algorithm of actions is absolutely ineffective. In addition, false emotions, coupled with repressed anger, lead to various, and at the physiological level.

Important! Punishment (including physical punishment) of a husband caught cheating sometimes seems to be the most tempting and sure way to solve the problem. Love cannot be built on a foundation of intimidation and fear. Even if the spouse returns to the family for some period of time and plays the role of an exemplary father and husband, at the first good opportunity, he will run away to a less authoritarian life partner.

Instead of self-abasement and comparing themselves with a rival, psychologists recommend that women turn their attention to their own development. A cheating husband can be a motivating factor pushing for cardinal changes in life. It's time to sign up for a fitness class, buy a pool membership or buy a mountain bike, take an unplanned vacation, or leave your hateful workplace altogether. To improve life after infidelity and parting with her husband, psychologists give the following advice:

1. You need to learn the art of active listening. To do this, it is enough just to show a genuine interest in the experiences and events that excite the interlocutor. It is also worth considering the interests of the people around you and not putting them below your own needs.
2. It is necessary to restore trust between spouses. It is quite difficult to do this, since it is difficult for a woman who has been deceived once to trust her cheating spouse again. Each couple solves this issue in its own way: in some, at the initial stage, there is control over sms correspondence and communication in social networks, in others, the spouses are trying to build new relationships on the foundation of trust.
3. There is no need to immediately try to take revenge on the faithful through betrayal with the first male that came into view. There is a replacement for an unfaithful husband, but a person who appears in life should be different for the better, so “smacking a fever” will be a rash decision.

How to forgive your husband for cheating? Psychologist's advice: it is worth starting to take steps towards reconciliation only after a detailed analysis of the current situation and establishing the reasons for the betrayal. Betrayal is a heavy burden, and one should prepare for the fact that it can take many months or even years to restore lost trust in a spouse.

Important! Relationships after infidelity will most likely never be the same again. A new round awaits them, or they will completely exhaust themselves. Therefore, it is worthwhile to firmly understand that nothing will be “as before”, and attempts to hold on to the past in such situations have a destructive potential.

Ways to protect relationships from cheating

In order to prevent possible betrayal, a woman needs to pay attention to creating a spiritually favorable microclimate in the family. It's nice to introduce something as wonderful as a weekly romantic dinner at home or in a restaurant. It is worth jointly making decisions and discussing particularly acute points in order to avoid the accumulation of grievances and claims. Spouses who want to improve relations and bring a fresh stream into them need to adopt the following recommendations from psychologists:

1. Find a hobby or passion that will be interesting for two partners. It could be tennis, horseback riding, rock climbing, or a more relaxed activity like billiards or exotic language courses.
2. Agree on personal time when the husband and wife can calmly take care of their own affairs or simply watch the news on social networks or their favorite TV shows.
3. Periodically arrange romantic meetings outside the home environment. A change of scenery is conducive to improving relationships.

Situations should not be allowed when a man constantly comes into conflict with an adult son or daughter of a cohabitant from a previous marriage. Psychologists do not recommend torn between the concepts of "mother" and "wife", so you need to make efforts and certain diplomatic talents to create the most comfortable environment within your own home.

Many women turn to specialists with complaints like “I can’t forgive my husband’s betrayal, but we live together.” The advice of a psychologist in such a case will be obvious: it is necessary to end a relationship in which both partners feel uncomfortable. If the spouses want to maintain a relationship, but do not have the necessary training to conduct constructive dialogues, they need to turn to intermediaries in the person of qualified psychologists.

The help of a psychologist in a situation with infidelity is as follows: a woman is provided with comprehensive support, starting with the search for the causes of adultery and ending with the development of an optimal algorithm of actions to restore emotional calm. If classical psychology does not bring the desired results, it is worth considering a visit to a competent hypnotist. He is able to change a woman's attitude to infidelity on a subconscious level and significantly reduce anxiety and anxiety.

A recognized specialist in the field of psychology and hypnosis is Nikita Valeryevich Baturin, the author and developer of a number of unique methods to combat fears and various neurotic disorders. With the help of hypnosessions, you cannot bewitch your husband and make him look at you with loving eyes. However, hypnosis can:

• get rid of resentment and anger at the subconscious level;
• increase self-esteem;
• become successful and in demand;
• change life for the better in a relatively short period of time.

Those women who are afraid of further existence and new acquaintances should familiarize themselves with this video:

Betrayal from a loved one is always perceived very painfully. Whatever advice psychologists give, the first reaction is shock, aggression, hatred, resentment. It is human nature to react negatively to the fact that a loved one has betrayed their feelings.

Betrayal is the commission of an action that is completely contrary to all the laws and rules of a loving couple. When a man and a woman want to be together, they do not have such a desire as to commit an act that will clearly humiliate or insult the partner’s personality, demonstrate a lack of love, and show the absence of any value in the relationship.

Betrayal is a "dagger in the heart" of a relationship. If we were talking about a person, then one could compare betrayal with a severe injury that needs to be urgently operated on, otherwise the patient will die.

Men quite often change, and this is what betrays their women. How to survive the act of a man in such a situation? The first thing psychologists advise is to try to forgive. We do not offer to forgive the cheater and stay in a relationship with him if you do not want to. We encourage you to forgive the situation that happened to you.

Forgiveness must be sincere and aimed at accepting the situation as it is. Of course, it is difficult to accept that you have been changed. But forgiveness is what you need first and foremost. When you forgive, that is, reconcile with the situation that happened to you, then you become more calm. You do not need to forgive your husband or his act if you do not want to. There is no need to pretend that you are forgiving if in fact you are not. To forgive means to accept and accept what happened to you. You need this to calm and balance your emotions, which are probably raging inside you.

To cope with emotions, you need to accept - do not fight, do not wall off, do not run, do not take revenge, do not try to do anything else. Just accept the situation of betrayal: “Yes, it happened. My husband did this to me. But I accept that this is possible in my life, albeit unpleasant. Do not fence yourself off from the fact that your husband cheated on you. Forgive fate or the world for allowing this situation to happen to you.

What to do with your husband - forgive him or not? Here, no psychologist will give you a definite answer. It is up to each woman personally to decide what to do with the man who betrayed her. And everyone has the right to implement the decision that she makes. If you decide to forgive and stay, it will be the same right decision as if you decide to leave and.

If you decide to leave, then your complex of emotions will be supplemented by a sense of loss. Most likely, the breakup will not happen because you fell out of love, but because you were humiliated and offended. You will love the ex-partner you broke up with and it will depress you.

If you decide to leave, then be prepared for the fact that at some point emotions will overwhelm you so much that you want to return everything back. At some point, it will seem to you that your husband's betrayal was not such a reason to part with him. However, here psychologists advise to postpone decisive actions. While emotions are playing in you, it’s better not to do anything so as not to become a weak person who forgives a bad person. Be alone with your emotions until they subside. If you are in a calm mood and wish to return to your husband, then return. If, in a calm state, you begin to understand that you actually did the right thing, that you broke up, then you don’t need to return anyone.

To cope with all the emotions that will overwhelm after the betrayal of her husband, you need to help yourself with this:

1. Do some interesting things, hobbies.
2. Communicate with people, make new acquaintances, just to switch to other experiences.
3. Get carried away with work in order to direct all your energy into a constructive direction.
4. Get yourself in order. This will help maintain your self-esteem at a high level, because for sure she fell after the news of her husband's betrayal. When a woman sees her beautiful reflection in the mirror, she becomes more confident in herself.
5. Flirt with men. Psychologists do not advise immediately to start a new relationship and meet someone. Just communicate with men, be distracted by other gentlemen, feel like an attractive and interesting person.

The difference between betrayal and betrayal

Treason and betrayal are almost the same thing. Treason implies a one-time or constant sexual contact with a mistress, and betrayal - falling in love with another woman. And if we are talking about betrayal, then it is much more difficult for his wife to experience it.

Imagine how difficult it is to find out that your husband no longer loves only you. He is interested in another woman. This is not just a blow below the belt, but also an insult to any feelings and dignity.

Usually, many women do not survive this betrayal and break up with men who clearly show that they can no longer be completely faithful to their wives. Why stay with a husband who no longer loves you? This will already be stupid, because this time it will be possible to survive the betrayals, only they will not stop in the future.

But there are women who cannot survive parting even with those who cheated on them. It's terrible to be in a situation where your husband is cheating, while you yourself do not have the strength to leave him. If you feel that two opposing desires are constantly fighting inside you, we recommend that you contact a psychologist. It will help you understand your true desires, as well as gain strength to achieve your goals, which are really important to you.

In addition, psychologists recommend that women remain beautiful at all times. The very fact that you are beautiful will give you self-confidence. Even if your husband has a mistress, you will not doubt your beauty. And if you part with your husband, then it will not be difficult for you to attract the attention of other men.

Whatever decision you make regarding your husband, always begin to deal with your success, transformation, improvement. Mind your own business, make yourself beautiful, continue to live and communicate with people who are interesting to you. Whether you will be with your husband or part with him, in any case, all these events will benefit you.

Experiencing the betrayal of her husband, the most important thing is not to fall into a depressive state. This is the worst thing a woman can do. After all, in this way she loses interest in the eyes of her husband, becomes unattractive to the surrounding men and “digs a hole” for herself, driving her there. No need to be depressed because of what the husband did. That he betrayed you is his problem. It was he who did the wicked thing. You are not to blame here that he could not control his desires and lust. Let only a man be responsible for his betrayals. No need to carry betrayal in your life!

It happens that time passes, and husbands realize what mistake they made, they begin to get bored and even return their ex-wives. To forgive the ex-spouse or not, again, it's up to you. Only you know what you want from your husband and how pleased you are that he is trying to return. Only you are responsible and face the consequences that will come as a result of your decision.

How to respond to the return of her husband?

If the husband betrays and the wife pushes him out the door, then he goes to his mistress. If earlier the mistress attracted him with her mystery, obscurity and intrigue, now the man will live with his mistress day after day, knowing her in all forms. If earlier the mistress appeared only in a bright and pleasant light, now he will see her from different angles. Usually husbands eventually realize that their wives are much better than those girls with whom they cheated. Then they start trying to get back. How to react to it?

There will be many reasons to see you if you and your ex-husband have common children. However, even in the absence of children, a husband may begin to appear in your life. If the former wants to return, because the mistress is no longer as interesting and good as it seemed at first, then you should be inaccessible here.

• Everything has a limit. The man cheated on you, do not tolerate it. Let him go where he always went. And if something does not suit him, then this is his problem. Don't hang on to a man who doesn't deserve you.
• Don't put an end to your personal life. While the ex-husband lives with his mistress, you should take care of yourself. Let your husband go and live for your own pleasure. Clean yourself up and you will notice that you are actually still attracted to men.
• Don't come back quickly. If the ex-husband wants to return, and you do not mind, then do not let him come at all ready and quickly jump into your bunk. Let him fight for you, suffer, try to get you back. If you are dear to him, then he will spare no effort. Otherwise, he will realize that you were actually waiting for him when he wants to return, which will allow him to quickly relax and go after the women again.

Stages of mental state

Surviving betrayal is always difficult, no matter what the person is. The only difference is the time that a person has to spend on going through all the stages of a mental state.

1. Negation. A woman cannot believe that her husband has betrayed her. She saw her marriage in one light, but in reality everything turned out differently.
2. An attempt to return. This is the most dangerous stage when a woman is ready to forgive her husband everything, if only he would return or stay. If a woman is ready to "forgive everything", then her husband's hands are untied in order to change further.
3. Aggression, anger, showdown.
4. Memories, sadness, bargaining with myself.
5. Depression and resignation to what happened. It is only at this stage of experience that final decisions need to be made. Either you stay with your husband, or you break up.
6. New life - when you begin to live in accordance with your decisions made in the previous stage.

What should be avoided?

A woman should also remember what not to do while she is experiencing betrayal:

• Screaming, hysteria, talking loudly, threatening her husband.
• Do not try to understand the reasons for his betrayal. At least this is necessary in order to see what your erroneous actions prompted your husband to cheat on.
• Forgiveness is too quick, because the husband will immediately calm down.
• To joke and remain calm after the news of the betrayal, to express their emotions in the absence of a husband.
• Grievances and criticism continue, even if you have reconciled.
• Refuse help, do not take care of yourself.
• Do not express your negative emotions, but accumulate them.
• Do not listen to your ex-husband, even if you break up with him.
• Think subjectively. To make the right decision, always try to look at the situation from the outside.

Outcome

Many women face betrayal by men. And here you will have to worry and go through a lot in order to let go of betrayal in the past and start living in a new way (even if you decide to stay with your husband).

I decided to write here and ask for advice on how to be. I don't want any more, I can't stand this pain anymore, it physically exhausted me. My soul is torn, my heart hurts, and I don't see the point anymore...
I ask for advice that would give me at least some support. Anyone who has gone through this please help.
My husband betrayed me ... We lived with him for 19 years and all these years I was so happy - I love him with all my heart, with all my soul, and even now ... We have two children, they are almost adults (18 and 15 years old) . It all happened 3 years ago, but I still hoped for his return. He replaced me with a younger one, forced me to give him a divorce, namely, he made me believe that this would help him return to me, and I, loving him, agreed to everything. And the reason turned out to be much simpler - his woman was expecting a child.
I understand that everything seemed to no longer concern me, but my hope that he would return simply strangled me, and he supported this hope, saying: I will return soon ...
Coming to us, he even sometimes showed affection, but in another visit he doused me with icy cold - either I believed strongly, or again I understood that it was just a game.
I just can’t take it anymore... I’m 40 years old, I understand that I could still build a life with another person, it would seem that everything is there - live, but you can’t command your heart.
I still love him very much. In my heart, I forgave him everything - it happened - this is life, but I don’t want any more - everything inside says outlived, fallen out of love, that’s enough. One hope for a posthumous paradise - there souls can be near, perhaps this is madness or rather despair, but I so much want to be with him ... And I realized: time will not heal my soul. Please, tell me how to survive this, if there is no point in waiting, and I don’t want another life without him? I'm exhausted, no more strength, help someone, help ...

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Nadezhda, age: 40 / 04/09/2012

Responses:

We need to pull ourselves together - for the sake of the children. Right now your point is to help your children. 15 years old is not yet an adult, and 18-year-olds need their mother's attention. Who will help them but you? Who else needs them, your children?
Time heals if you help it, and if you wait for this gift "from time itself", then you can wait all your life like that, and life around, look around, can be beautiful even without a man nearby! Well, if that's the case.
Ask God for strength, there is nowhere else to take it - this is from personal experience. You resist reality. Why would you want to be around someone who doesn't want to be around you? Remember that you are a person, that you are a mother, that you are a person! That the world is not in your ex-husband. The world is much wider, more diverse and better!

Fatinha, age: 37 / 04/09/2012

Hope hello!
You are an adult, you must understand that this is not love, this is dependence ... You cannot depend on another person, on a man like that. You have no love, you have memories of the past, how good you were all these 19 years. This is a very long time, I do not argue, but ...
You have two wonderful children, Almost adults... Switch all your attention to them. Take care of yourself - you can’t drive yourself so young and beautiful into eternal expectation, but when will he return ... This is nonsense! Will not return - period! It's been three years and you still can't let go. Go to church, talk to the priest, pray to God to help you cope with this with everything. Confess, now Great Lent is going on, you will also have time to take communion and go to the unction (mental illness is also treated!). The Lord will help, just STOP feeling sorry for yourself!!! Your ex-husband sees how you behave and mocks you because he sees how weak you are morally. God is his judge...
Get up from the bottom! Read about love addiction here on the site. Read more and pray... Switch.
Hugging you! Be strong!

Arina, age: 04/27/2012

Nadia, I have read your cry from the heart and I want to tell you one thing. It will now seem strange and impossible, but believe me, it is true - you can command the heart. Rather, the heart can be persuaded and convinced. If you do this regularly, then the pain goes away. You just need to pull yourself together one day, calm down a bit, choose a time when you are not in a hurry, better late in the evening, sit down at the table, put a sheet of paper in front of you, take a pencil, draw a sheet into four parts and draw up a dry balance sheet. What did they have in marriage - the pros and cons. What do you have now - pros and cons. This will include everything positive - calmness, self-confidence, outside support, tenderness, fidelity, and so on. This will include everything negative - treason, lies, screaming, your tears, his child on the side, meanness, blackmail and the like.
And review this list every day. Add whatever you want to add to it. Just be sure to re-read every day - and you will see very soon a clear picture of what happened. The distorted picture, in which the man is the king and God, will begin to change into a completely prosaic one. You will soon see that the disadvantages of the last time of your marriage are very great. And it is impossible to live with a person, forgiving his meanness. The pedestal you built for your beloved man will quickly begin to collapse. You will see that the beautiful image you have created is just an image that does not at all correspond to the weak and petty personality of a man, and the heart will begin to calm down. Moreover, you will see your true desires, your resources and opportunities.
Heartache can be overcome by the logic of reasoning and the awareness of many possibilities, dear Nadia. I didn’t believe in it before, I also said - you can’t order your heart, but my old friend, a psychologist, had a different opinion. And the exercise proposed by him, and which opened a new calm, full life for me, I offer you today. Try it. The heart obeys the calm logic of reasoning - only this "reasoning exercise" must be done regularly.

Mara, age: 42 / 04/09/2012

Good afternoon Hope! I will not say that I understand you, because every person who experiences this experiences himself, with his feelings. It's hard for you right now, very hard. The point, it seems to me, is that you have put it at the forefront. MAN. They grew up with the fact that a woman cannot be happy without him. Maybe even how! You found the meaning of life in him, in your ex-husband. And it has no meaning in life. The meaning of life is in life itself. And it's not limited to men. She can be beautiful on her own, without him. You cherish the image you served. Who was loved. That man is no more. And it's good that it happened now that your life is all ahead of you. You can now deny, say that there is no life without him. Without whom? Look sober. Without a traitor? Do you want to suffer yourself, to torture your children who see how their mother suffers? Well, this is not the same person, not the same. He is a traitor. Doesn't even deserve the thought of himself. And what he did shows his true colors. Man, once again I repeat, this is NOT the meaning of life. Remember yourself at last! How can you not respect yourself to allow a man to become the meaning, to allow him to be the master and EVERYTHING? Respect yourself! This traitor makes you suffer. And your children. And you stop picking open the wound. He is not worthy, and indeed anyone, for you to ruin your life like that. Simply - STOP! Don't let yourself think about it. It won't work, then it will work. God gave you life. She is beautiful. It's you who makes her unbearable. And life is worth fighting for. Happiness is within us, not in the worship of men. There is he, a man - well. No, that's fine too. Live and look around at last, you have everything. And finally, this viper that you warmed is gone. Which has become the meaning of your life. NO ONE SHOULD BE THIS SENSE. Learn to enjoy life. Just life. The sun, a delicious bun, the laughter of children, blooming flowers. This is what happiness is. Real, not fictional. Happiness to you!

Anna, age: doesn't matter / 04/09/2012

Hope! It's all very painful, and most importantly - for how long!
I went through the return of my husband to the family. Believe me, this is not what I so dreamed of ... It seems to us all - if it comes back, then everything is healing, getting rid of longing, despair. Let it just be there - it's already easier! Let it just be at home - already as good as warm in the heart.
It turned out the other way around...
When my husband left for another, I lay in bed for two months and just looked at the walls. Then to the ceiling. Then back to the walls. And then I could not stand it and took a desperate step - when he came to the children (and we have two kids), I miraculously remembered the password from his mobile phone! (it was necessary to manage to remember a complex combination over the shoulder out of the corner of your eye!) I looked through the contacts and wrote down the mobile phone of his new passion. Then I called her and offered to meet. My despair seemed to know no bounds. Moreover, it was not I alone who was mentally ill, but also our children ... As my husband left, so they fell down, it seems, with whooping cough, both. And categorically did not want to recover. When I went to meet my mistress, at that moment an ambulance was called for the eldest child, he felt so bad. I was afraid for the lives of the children, because I thought the only thing that could save us all is that he would return. I was exhausted myself, the children were exhausted (they were also very sick for two months, and there was no end to this). I thought it was just a human way to ask her to let him go. Returned it to us.
We met. We talked. I cried like that because I couldn’t tell everything calmly, I took family photos, and I didn’t give a damn whether it was humiliation or not, I didn’t care, I wanted a miracle. And so it happened...
Two days later, the doorbell rings - the husband arrives darker than the clouds. And at the same time his mistress calls me: "take it!" I say: "how so - accept it? ..." She answers me: "Like a closet, like furniture ...".
So they returned it to me as "furniture". And then it began ... We would live, build relationships. And he does not want anything, every day only increased irritation with me for everything that I did. I couldn’t even ask him about anything - I was too intrusive, I was told about it in the face ... I was rude, rude, threw dirt on the floor, and I cleaned it, and I couldn’t say anything for fear that he leave ... Four months of such a nightmare, it was a real mockery of my psyche, and I myself could not stand it, we filed for divorce. I realized one thing - that it is better not to see a person at all than to live like this, although I love him very much and I really miss him. We all miss him.
Now I understand how bad it would be for me without him, but returning him exactly as he is now is impossible, not only because he does not want it, but also because I do not want it ... I remember and I love him, most likely of the past, as he was in my memory: kind, loving, caring, but not the present, as he became.
This is important to understand!
They say people don't change, I don't agree with that. More precisely, they change, very often for the worse. And now it's a different person, and our love is a dependence on the past. Because it is unrealistic to love a person who wipes his feet about us, deceives, is rude, rude, it is simply unnatural! Love is a mutual feeling, and the rest is all dependence. And most likely, dependence on our past ... But it is not there now, it has passed ... It is impossible to return childhood - we understand and accept this, it is impossible to return the past - this must also be understood.
I cut off all contact, the ability to see this person, because I just go crazy when I see him. Mom just gives the kids away. I myself try to communicate and communicate less. It's like an operation. We go to her when we know that she will help us, although it hurts. It is better to cut off than to suffer later, so that it all hurts. Yes, it will hurt a lot at first, but then recovery will go ...
My mother has now read it and says (and she is 70 years old): 40 years old is still such a youth, I wish I had these years! .. So hold on! Everything is possible... You are not alone.

Annushka, age: 33 / 04/09/2012

Dear Hope! I often look at messages on this site, but I myself write only the second time, I simply could not help but respond to your message. Two years ago I was 39 years old, the same thing happened to me, my husband, whom I trusted completely, changed me "younger". He was always a very good husband, so it was doubly painful. Thoughts about what a good husband I had lost just finished off, I felt that I was disappearing. And one fine day I realized that these thoughts are "from darkness", because they weaken me. I am writing this to encourage you to make a choice in favor of LIGHT. As soon as you have thoughts about how good he is, and what you have lost, think that you are also a wonderful woman, you also deserve to live - and live well, and not suffer. UNDERSTAND, these thoughts are destroying you, not a single man is worth it, and even more so such as ours. After all, whatever you say, this is a betrayal! UNDERSTAND your husband is stabbing you knowing how much it hurts you. It is worth considering whether this person is really such a good person? A truly decent person would NOT do that. Therefore, stop punishing yourself, turn on your self-preservation instinct, become happy. My advice: cut off all contact with him, if that's not possible, keep it to a minimum. Your goal now is to survive, save yourself. He will not think about you, do not expect pity from him, do not wait for his return. After all, aren't you worth anything on your own?! What are you, an appendage to your husband?! Don't let him trample you! Only in your power to make a happy ending in this story. Never give up, under any circumstances. GOOD LUCK TO YOU! You have such a name - "HOPE"!
And one more thing, Hope, I want to add. I was so worried that at the age of 39 I had an early menopause, and it was very difficult ... Tell me, are traitors worth our health, life in the end? ..

Oksana, age: 41 / 04/09/2012

You know, Nadia, our stories are very similar in many ways. (Mine - from 27.03). I want to hug and pity you, cry together. Just please don't wait for his return! All his throwing back and forth suggests that he is looking for a warmer and more comfortable place. Well settled! If you get tired of grazing here, then you can go to the reserve meadow! I, too, have been ill with this disease of expectation and hope. It is scary to become how much precious time was killed in fruitless attempts. But it is true that you can order the heart, but in our case it is so simply NECESSARY! It is difficult for one person to cope with this disaster, ask the Lord for strength. More recently, it seemed to me that I live in a terrible vacuum. I went around 5 Temples, I could not trust my pain in any way. It was only in the latter that he managed to confess. We talked with the father for almost two hours. He left his phone number and said to call at any time, which would help both as a priest and as a friend. He offered to take his son to Sunday school. And a ray of light appeared in my soul. It turns out that you are not alone in this world! Friends turned away, but how many warm words on this site were written to me by complete strangers, and this support in moments of despair is saving. It depends only on you to want to live without betrayal and lies. Go to a psychologist to help you let go of this situation. And imagine that your ex-husband returned. Here you live together and everything seems to be wonderful. And somewhere his child is growing and there is no getting away from it. Several options are possible here. For example, he forgets about everything and does not communicate with the other side. Can you feel calm and happy? After all, the child is not to blame for what his parents have done. Do not you have the feeling that you live with a traitor? And if he starts to take part in the upbringing of the child, will he go there? This man has proven that he is able to dodge and lie. Do you need a life full of such torment? Understand that the way it was before will never be! These thoughts made me sober. Of course, I am just starting to crawl out of this nightmare, but there are already shifts. Honey, pull yourself together, because only in your power to start a new life. Nobody will do this for you. You deserve happiness! Has the Lord given us life in order to lay it on an unworthy person? Yes, our souls are like a scorched forest, where just recently everything was blooming and green. But is it forever? Our time will come to be reborn. Just with your hope and expectation, you, Nadia, literally conserved this conflagration in yourself (as, indeed, I did). By the way, my ex showed up today and said that if I want him to raise his son and come to him, then I should be affectionate with him and smile! I almost fell, well, just a kindergarten "weed"! This man is in his twenties!!! The priest told me in confession: “Don’t beat your head against the closed gates, step back, calm down, they will open themselves, and opportunities will appear, and simple solutions, you will also be surprised, just pray, repent, let go ... Ask the Lord to give strength, and they will appear, and a second wind will open ... ”I wish you, Nadya, happiness, peace in your soul, joy. Remember, you are not alone! Help you, Lord!

Galina, age: 40 / 04/09/2012

Nadya, hello! I am writing for the first time, although I have been reading both requests for help and responses for more than a year. This site has helped me survive. My husband also betrayed me after 17 years of marriage, and just like you, I did not want to live. But I had my son and mother. You do not need to look for support, you have it - these are your children. How will we differ from traitor husbands if, thinking about the "posthumous paradise", we also betray our children? And what makes you think that his soul will be in paradise? I highly doubt it. And you, Nadia, do not need to be there with him next to you, you have had enough hell on Earth. And you can order the heart, not immediately, gradually, as we forbid small children, repeat again and again to yourself - DO NOT. And life will put everything in its place. I don’t know if my ex-husband is happy, but I don’t think so. 5 days after the divorce, he had a heart attack, this is at the age of forty and during the life he dreamed of. He also exchanged me for "younger" and wanted to "change everything in his life", i.e. me and my son "for a quiet life." So here's how it goes. And it is not known how the "new happy life" will respond to your husband. And you, Nadyusha, if you can't cope on your own, contact a psychotherapist, he will prescribe antidepressants for you, they really help to "lick your wounds." There is nothing to be ashamed of. And read all the responses on this site, everything helps. I want to separately thank Smilla, thank you very much, I read your responses and sobbed, and somehow the pain came out with tears. Hold on, Nadyusha, you are strong and you are not alone!

Alena, age: 39 / 10.04.2012

Dear Nadia!
I am one of those “lucky ones” from whom my husband did not leave when the betrayal was revealed.
I put the word “lucky” in quotation marks, because now that my friend broke up with her husband, I told her: “Be glad that you left. It would be worse if he stayed."
A year and a half ago, it was revealed that my husband had been cheating on me for many years.
At first he denied it to the last (like all of them), then he agreed that “it seems like it’s not good,” then I squeezed out of him that he wanted to stay with me (I squeezed it out, he didn’t say it himself, I persuaded him to “save family"), squeezed out of him "I'm sorry." And we stayed together.
And now, when a year and a half has passed since the “moment of truth”, I more and more often think that if I had kicked him out then, I would have already been ill, suffered and began to live normally. Because what I have now is not life, it is the appearance of family life. It's not intimacy. This is not a marriage.
And if for the first year since the “moment of truth” I kept trying to get through to him, to explain that we need to rebuild relationships, that I can’t do without trust, that he should try, now I understand more and more that nothing will change. He doesn't need to change. He is comfortable.
Your ex-husband is also comfortable. He doesn't need to come back to you. He doesn't need to change. Unless they kick him from there, then he will return. But again until next time.
And then the question is - WHO will come back to you? You want him back, but who will he be? It will be a man capable of betrayal, who has his own secret life from you, who does not respect or appreciate you, but only uses you. Who, if he returns, is not out of love for you (if he had loved, he would not have left initially), but because he will need to “change over” somewhere. Do you think it will give you a feeling of fullness of life and happiness? I think that you will begin to "die" even more - because physically he will be present, but he will be an alien, cold, cruel person, capable of deceiving, betraying, abandoning. With such happiness you will not experience.
I am currently studying the rehabilitation of abandoned children. And in one of the books by K. Eliacheff (a French psychoanalyst working with abandoned young children), I suddenly saw quite clearly and clearly what causes the most unbearable suffering in situations of betrayal. If I may, I will quote a couple of passages:
"The most painful thing for such children is uncertainty, which has a devastating effect on their vitality, their status and destiny."
“It was only after working with children that I realized that the disorders they suffer are closely related to the uncertainty of their current situation and the near future. This uncertainty gives them hope that - no matter what - they will return to their real parents again, instead of saying goodbye to them forever and preparing for a new life."
“Even when the conditions of his life are quite prosperous (he is provided with all the necessary and attentive care), his uncertainty about his future prevents him from developing harmoniously and gives rise to fear, despair, bouts of impotent anger in him.”
When I read these phrases, it suddenly dawned on me WHAT kills us women the most in such situations.
It's not even abandoned. Not separation. Not a collapse (in fact, a change, sometimes very drastic) of plans.
The most terrible, unbearable and painful thing is uncertainty. We do not know what will happen next - whether he will return or not return, wait or not wait, repent or not. We fall into this trap called "uncertainty". The unknown is always the most scary, you see. After all, if even the most difficult and terrible certainty, it is always easier.
A couple of times I imagined what would happen if my husband did not cheat on me, but died. And I have a feeling that I would experience it easier. Because it is bitter, terrible, but definite. And the situation in which I found myself is teeming with all sorts of different "what if ..."
Many psychologists agree that the death of a loved one is easier to experience than betrayal.
Also because the devotee is always bad, and the one who betrayed, as a rule (at first, but sometimes for quite a long time) rejoices. This makes it even worse. Do you know why I stopped my attempts to part with my husband several times over the past year and a half? It was this thought that stopped me: “I will suffer and cry, but he will be fine. He will return again to his wild way of life, and will rejoice. I don't want to let that happen." Do you understand how terrible it is? I was willing to spend my life trying not to let him "rejoice."
Where is the way out of this uncertainty, you ask? He is. But for this it is important to understand that the men who betrayed us are just interested in us to sit in this as long and firmly as possible, so they are not our helpers here. They will “pull the leash” in every possible way and feed our affection. Therefore, there is only one way out - to determine your own position. Namely: "This person is no more and will never be in my life." And this is absolutely true, because the person who was with you for 16 years (or how many years you lived together before it became known about the betrayal) will never be with you again. He is a different person now. Completely different. If you want, you can think to yourself that he - the one who was then - died, he was stolen by aliens, whatever. But he won't be anymore.
I remember my graduation at school - I was sad to leave school, I was good at school, I loved it, but it didn’t occur to me to lament the next years “oh, how good it was at school, how great it would be if that was all returned." I knew too well that it would never return. And because even my sadness was bright.
Your task now, the most important, is to kill every hope in yourself that you will invent a time machine by an effort of will and transfer yourself, children, ex-husband and the entire planet Earth 10 years ago. This won't happen. You cannot turn back time and relive what has already been lived.
Do your best now to convince yourself that it's over. It's over, there's no going back.
If this is unbearably painful for you, then there is another trick: try declaring a moratorium on all decisions regarding him and your future life for a year. That is, during the year you do not think about whether he will return or not, wait for him or not, whether you will find yourself someone else or not.
Imagine that he left for a year on a business trip to the Arctic. There is no connection, no phones, no Internet, no mail, no contact with him. For a year, you will be concerned only with yourself and your life. Do not look for a man, namely yourself and your life - children, friends, you can learn a language, sign up for fitness, learn to sew or knit, get a license. In general, you have a year to spend it fruitfully, but without any thoughts about it, without deciding whether to continue waiting for it or not.
And in a year, on the same date, return to your thoughts and decide - if you want, you can again plunge into longing and expectation and hope. But not before.
Circle today's date on the calendar and start counting - from that moment he is on a business trip, and his twin brother comes to visit the children, with whom you just have some kind of distant family relationship.
Learn by heart a few short prayers, and as soon as the "race" on a forbidden topic begins in your head, immediately pray - until unnecessary thoughts go away. They need to be nipped in the bud. Remind yourself every time: “What am I? He is on a business trip, the topic is prohibited, it's time for me to learn English. We remember how in English there will be a “plate”.
Give yourself a year off. And your children have a year of normal communication with you. And in a year, having gained new strength, decide whether to return back to this life that you have now, or choose something else.
Good luck to you. Take care of yourself.

Svetlana, age: 39/10.04.2012

They say that someone succeeds after infidelity, leaving her husband for another woman and his long stay in another family, to start over and build a new relationship. I don't know how or who can do it. After all, there are lovers of multiple marriages, who, after each divorce, have a new round of life. And someone, even after a single one, cannot recover until the end of his life. We are very different. I can’t even imagine how, after what was thrown in your face, after you were cold-bloodedly stepped on, insulted, humiliated, you can even enter into a dialogue with the same person, communicate, go to bed ...
Surprisingly accurately described the situation in all the nuances of Annushka. The return of a husband after everything that happened is similar to the return of a zombie from a thriller, which was shown a lot on TV in the late 90s: a man died, he was buried, mourned, and then with the help of voodoo magic his soulless body was revived and he came home. Then - horror. Life is a one-way road. The former, the way we loved him, the person will no longer be. Think for yourself: he WANTED to leave, because there were no more coincidences and consonances with you. This is a completely different, changed person who has long coincided and consonant with a completely different woman, different from you. Now she is his tuning fork, and he tunes his gut with her. Man is such a complex, multidimensional system. By changing his internal settings, he becomes a sovereign stranger at the level of sensations. I experienced it. Just like you, Nadezhda, I could not let go of the situation for a very long time. It seemed to me absurd, absurd. Although a sober assessment of the entire life lived stubbornly gave the same result: there was very little good. However, I didn't want to believe that this was it, the end. And you yourself lowered the curtain, because you could not do otherwise.
Just like you, I wanted to resurrect all those grains of good that were in our lives. Sunlight-filled, happy images flashed through my mind from when we were young and in love. And it seemed that we are one and this is forever. And here he is in front of me: today's, real, the one who came home for more than one year after somersaults in a bed with another woman, whom he told nasty things about his wife, explaining and justifying his presence in this very bed. The one who, leaving, spat in my face: I don’t love you, now I love another person, but I don’t want you at all as a woman. Who doesn't want us here, may I ask? Isn't it this bald, fat seal with a beer belly, which you can't even look at without tears? And who do we want now? Ah, that's who ... Well, if you please: you are a great couple, you deserve each other.
After 8 months, he stood in front of me. The point is not that such radical changes in adulthood did not go unnoticed, leaving their destructive traces on the external appearance. The fact is that it was a COMPLETELY ANOTHER PERSON. It sounded different, it emitted radiation of a sovereignly different quality. He became a cast from another matrix. A kind of emotional and spiritual telegonia. Stranger. Completely alien. There was not a single note in common with me, to which the soul would respond, alone with itself, still longing for past sensations of closeness with the soul of this person. It was a foreign body that could no longer be present in my life. I simply could not imagine what we could talk about now, how you can touch this person, allow him to touch you. And how many of us will now be in the marital bed: two or three? To whom will his words and touches be addressed? No, this is not even possible at the level of logical comprehension. It became impossible on some more subtle plane. I don’t know who does it, how can you bend yourself and, most importantly, for what?
Hope, I'm just sharing my personal experience. And before this meeting, and for a long time after it, I was terribly longing for the irrevocably gone, for my illusions and invented story about my family life. But the collision with reality was akin to Charcot's soul. Looking her, reality, in the eyes, I said the word "no" to myself with complete confidence. Because I realized that nothing good will come of this return. The dead don't rise. And I also clearly understood that he was now standing in front of me not because his love had brought him to me. If there was even a grain of love in him, she simply would not allow him to do this to me. This grain would not allow him to copulate with another woman not once or twice, but for 12 years. This grain would make him, realizing the seriousness of the situation, fight for the right to stay in the family, ask for forgiveness, cut off everything that invaded our lives with his knowledge and destroyed it. He came because THERE turned out to be bad. The bummer came out. Deceived. Didn't calculate.
Hope, whose return have you been waiting for all these 3 years? Whom do you keep waiting for, counting down the days, weeks, months, years of your fast-flowing life slipping into irretrievability? The past will always stand between you. Calming down during a period of calm, it will violently shoot out whenever this calm is disturbed. Even just a word that accidentally flew from the lips or a name uttered out of habit by another, not yours, name. Can you live with this? Can you be uncloudedly happy and recklessly trusting? I decided not. Therefore, she preferred the long period of scarring of a deep wound to endless agony. You can't spend an indefinitely long period of your life waiting for something you don't know. Mortal man cannot afford such extravagance. Answer yourself honestly: where have you progressed in these 3 years? What have you improved in yourself and your life? What have you learned? How has your quality of life changed? Can you remember how you participated in the life of your children during this period? Where have you been with them? And having answered these or other questions about your life, ask yourself the last one: IS IT TOO HIGH PRICE FOR YOUR HUSBAND, paying for his frills with your only life?
And I would also like to speculate a little about this. To be honest, I don't know where the line is between love and addiction and why they should be separated! (You can read about it here: Note by Administrator). In fact, we all depend on each other in one way or another. And is it really that bad? The baby depends on the mother, and this dependence gives both unique moments of happiness. My mother, having broken her hip, in her helplessness completely depended on me, on my attitude towards her. And this dependence revealed to her the strength and depth of my feelings for her, the expression of which in my everyday life, to be honest, is stingy. And she allowed me to experience happy moments of overcoming my weaknesses and imperfections. A woman who is expecting a child depends on her husband's careful attitude towards her. The lover always depends on the beloved, the lover is always open and unarmed in front of the beloved, and, therefore, vulnerable. And, it seems to me, it is not addiction that destroys us and deeply injures us, but the bestiality of a person who abuses and manipulates this addiction and our vulnerability in this state of addiction, I repeat, natural for a loving person.
The destruction of our trust, the entire system of relations built on this trust, the abuse of our openness and sincerity leads to confusion, confusion, and a state of shock. All this is similar to an earthquake of 11 points, from which the vibrations do not die out for a long, long time. No wonder: after all, the betrayal of a loved one knocked the foundation out from under the feet with a blow to our value system. When they say to a suffering person: “This is not love, but addiction,” I want to answer: “Yes, addiction, because love.” When a person has lived through something that happens only once in life: youth, the birth of the first child, the first joint purchases, the first shocks experienced, the funeral of loved ones, people grow into each other, and it seems that even the blood circulation is common, like that of Siamese twins. "And there shall be one flesh." This is also a dependence, which, from my point of view, it would be wrong to oppose to love. If only because this game of concepts does not help at all with the experience of loss. On the contrary, it aggravates the fact that it devalues ​​the feeling for a loved one. Say, you didn’t have anything serious for him: so, there is only one addiction. Only this very “addiction” repaired kilometers of cracks in family relationships, it scooped up tons of water from a family boat that had leaked, this very “addiction” turned into forgiveness, even when it was impossible to forgive. Because our little universe depends on that forgiveness. And the fact that a savage person does not understand, does not deserve and does not appreciate all this should not change anything for us. Our attitude towards the plebeian, who turned out to be unable to appreciate the beauty and depth of the feeling given to him, which a woman is ready to carry through her whole life, should change. The most difficult thing after such a shock is not to let the spark of this feeling fade in your soul, not to let the ability to give it die, along with your addiction, in which sincerity, gullibility, sacrifice, and the need for security are manifested. "I am dependent on you" means "Be my protector".
This reasoning means that you do not need to be ashamed of your feelings, no matter how they look from the outside. And there is no need to qualify them somehow: love, not love, but what is love, let's compare our feeling with the official definition of love ... But why? People were together, there was trust, children were born, I just wanted to live and meet with this very person every morning, and in the evening discuss the day with him. And that it will always be so. What difference does it make what it's called? Love, addiction. “This is my world, I built it the best I could, and I protected it, also the best I could” - this is how every woman thinks in the depths of her soul. And she has a right to it. When this world collapses, she suffers not because she is weighed down by a pathology called "addiction", but because her expectations and trust, in which she has invested all the purest and best that she has, have been deceived. Bastards and cold-blooded bitches do not suffer.
Hope, separate your feelings from the person who turned out to be unworthy of them. It is difficult, because your feelings have been addressed to a specific person for many years. Stop feeding him with your energy, if only because, having fed it even at a distance, he then gives it to another woman. Do you need it - to be a gratuitous donor of this couple? Do you know how I dealt with it? I visualized that threads were stretching from me to my ex-husband, along which my energy flows in the form of a flickering bluish stream. And then I mentally took scissors and cut these threads. The picture was so bright and lively that I even saw that what filled these threads with a blue shimmer at their cut ends dripped down and then sealed the cut. And what was reaching out to her husband hung lifelessly, devoid of luminous energy. You know, the psychological effect for me was very noticeable. Try it. On another occasion, as thoughts of my husband swept over me and became haunting, causing me pain, I imagined the Sahara desert, which I saw during my long trip to North Africa. I imagined my husband, then "materialized" in my imagination an off-road car, in which I "planted" the ex-wife and slammed the cab doors. And sent him in this SUV to the other end of the Sahara. She followed him with her mind's eye until he disappeared over the horizon. It was very good. I then rested from thinking about my husband for a very long time. Practice. And in parallel, do something interesting, something that, perhaps, you have denied yourself for a long time. The head should be busy, and the hands too. And one more thing: have time to catch the passing youth of your children. It depends on this time whether there will be closeness between you and them later. This is much more important than the acrobatic sketches of unlucky husbands!
In general, Nadezhda, you will still have. For this, you need to keep in yourself that very spark about which I wrote above. There is no need to be afraid of anything, you just need to live and everything that life sends us, accept and cope. Sample. Finally, I will share with you the joy that does not contradict the topic of our conversation. My 33-year-old son, a child of his technocratic age, has long been in the throes and search for inner support. This saddened me, because the turmoil in his soul did not allow him to rejoice at any success at work, or communication, or acquisitions. We talked a lot with him, but he did not hear me. Rather, I said the wrong thing or the wrong thing. In matters of faith, I myself, oh, how weak, and far from understanding everything. Restless herself. That is why my attempts to direct my son along this vector were unsuccessful. And then yesterday I received a voluminous SMS from my son, overflowing with emotions. The key words were: "Mom, I'm in shock. It turns out that I understood everything so primitively when I heard about religion and Christianity. Now I understand Who Christ was for humanity and for what ideas he was crucified. In fact, Christianity is a great teaching of the strong and free people. Then we talked for a long time on this topic, the conversation ended with the words of my son: "I really want to read the primary sources. Do you have a Bible?"
I cannot explain why I was filled with inexpressible joy at these words of my son. I was thinking yesterday and today, and this is the conclusion I came to: if what happened in my life 5 years ago had not happened, this conversation with my son simply could not have taken place. Because I would be different, the circumstances would be different, and my son and I would talk about completely different things. My search for support all these 5 years, although not always consistent and successful, gradually influenced my son, as it seems to me. And even after his caustic remarks, he was most likely thinking. And here is the result in the form of a prerequisite for a person to reach a new level of understanding of the main things. Can we know what event will serve as an impetus for something important and turning point in our lives?
Hope, do not be afraid of anything in life, even destructive events. Everything that happens to us is necessary and for the good.

Smilla, age: 55 / 04/10/2012

Nadezhda, you said that for three years you had hope that he would return. You know, in Orthodoxy there is such a prayer of the Optina elders ... there are such words "... (Lord) Guide my will and teach me to pray, believe, hope, endure, forgive and love." You know, I think it's no coincidence that words are chosen in this order in prayers.

You can only hope after believing. How can you trust a person who betrayed you once? It is impossible to believe, he undermined confidence in himself and his words given upon marriage: "to be together in sorrow and in joy ...". No faith, no hope. Neither forgive treason (forgive only as a sinful and weak person), but not an act of treason. It is impossible to come back without repentance. What is the hope when he does not even see the filth and abomination in betraying you?

And it turns out that, inspiring hope in you, it was far from high feelings that led him, but simply the fear that he would be thrown out of there, and your hope is his alternate airfield.

Here, Nadezhda, you love such a person: a betrayer, playing on the weaknesses of an abandoned woman ...

After all, there is a God who will never betray ... and now he is closer to you than ever, just reach out to him, notice Him in your life. See why he took this man away from you. Maybe because you have already outgrown it spiritually, sincerely. So I removed him from your life. Surely, in addition to the minuses that you see, there are obvious pluses from his departure, which you do not want to notice yet.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Your name is so beautiful - Hope. Let's hope to be with you only to a man worthy of your faith, and not to ANYONE.

Cleo, age: 33 / 04/10/2012

Hope! Are you saying time won't heal? Where such confidence? Have you already been in the future? So far, these are only your guesses and fears. Time has already healed a lot of souls, and yours is no exception. However, it really cannot heal the soul without your help!
3 years is already quite a long time. 40 years is still very little. No need to give up on yourself and write off yourself as "waste material". It's not up to you to decide when to leave this life. Since you are on earth, and not yet in paradise, then there are still things for you to do here. Believe me, you are not the only woman who finds herself in a similar situation, it can be worse, and people get out of it. You decided to give up early.
You must respect any decision your husband makes if you truly love him. Yes, now he is with another - but he decided so. After all, it is his right. Maybe this is not Christian and contrary to family values, but let him be responsible for this. Your job is to reconcile. Humility is a very important quality.
What do you mean you can't tell your heart? No one is forcing you to live with another person yet, you now need to at least learn how to live alone. When you learn to appreciate life, enjoy every moment, live every minute, learn to breathe the air, and not your ex-husband, then you may want another person nearby. Until you are definitely not in that state.
Your task is to let go of your husband, not physically, but from the soul. Let go every day - through prayer, through inner peace. He has not been physically with you for a long time, and you still live in illusions. Even if he returns, you must understand that this is no longer the person you loved ... Everything flows, everything changes. You need to accept worthy change!
In general, Nadezhda, drop these pessimistic thoughts. Just think about it - so many people around the world daily, every minute fight for life, climb, but die of incurable diseases, having a great desire to live, and you are a healthy woman in the prime of life with beautiful children - you just want to refuse such a gift from God !! ! God does not give such gifts twice. Life is the most precious thing, remember that!
Good luck to you!

Julia, age: 27 / 10.04.2012

Hope, please pull yourself together. The Lord sees what we need, so he removes people who bring us grief. You just don't see or feel it right now. You think it's over, but it's not. I, too, was killed in my time, and now I finally met a person - my real soul mate, with whom I feel good and calm. And just recently I thought that I was dying and my life was over, because I thought that without a person who brought me a lot of pain and disappointment, I would not live. My life is just beginning, and I'm 46 years old. Now I remember with a shiver the past, as it seemed to me, happy years, but it turned out that all these were my fantasies. I myself invented a prince for myself, endowing him with all the good qualities, and received only pain. Go to a psychologist, antidepressants help a lot to overcome addiction, look at the past in cold blood and start a happy future. Good luck to you. Guardian Angel!

Tusya, age: 46 / 04/10/2012

Hello Nadia!
When I read Alyonushka's response to your letter, my heart sank with pain. Such pity appeared for her, and then this pity grew into Respect for this woman. This is how it is right to experience your pain in order to throw out such Truth here. And why did she do it? To HELP you! Say mentally to her THANK YOU, it's worth a lot. Not everyone is capable of it. A lot of useful and correct things have been written by caring people. Read! In your case, the expectation of death is similar. The only thing I want is to continue Smilla's response. About the children. I am now experiencing this in my own skin. It so happened that by the will of fate I live far from the Small Motherland, and the kids grew up and scattered to different cities. And when this happened, I was completely at a loss, I did not know where to put my hands, my head. The threads of communication gradually came down to a simple - How are you? How is your health? How's school... work? And I was getting scared. What is this??? What to do? Mom is far away, children are far away, my husband is not involved at all ... why am I sitting here, why do I live?
I tried not to show it, but inside everything was on fire. To the children's questions: Mom, what's new with you? I could only answer: “What can I have new, I’m sitting in four walls, alone like a finger (a tiny town where everyone knows each other). dye feathers on my head and do "glamour", although all this is necessary (within reason) I reread all the classics, which I have not done for a thousand years, and not just reread, but so deeply that if thoughts "from outside" creep into my head, they start to annoy me, because they distract me from the main occupation. There are a lot of interesting things on the site. And it was thanks to this so-called crisis that I remembered that I myself exist. And I am needed not only to prepare the first, second and third, not only to wash and dust everyone, hammer nails, make repairs and treat someone's "artificial wounds", but also for something more important, which I have long forgotten about. Thank you " Crisis" for the fact that now my children and I (albeit for now on Skype) can discuss for hours about what we read, about what we heard, about spirituality, and about anything ... and not just: "Mammul, how are potato pancakes prepared?" My children have "eyes are round" and they know what they say to me? "Mom, we knew that you were SUCH with us, but so much..." Well, what more grace do we need!? Nadia, that's where you direct your eyes and all your thoughts !!! Get to know yourself, it rejuvenates the whole body and is such a benefit to yourself, and therefore to everything around you !!! Good luck to you!!!

Vitaly, age: 51 / 04/10/2012

Open your heart to God. Prayer helps me a lot. Read the book "How to Survive a Divorce", it also helped me a lot: I got out of a state of insanity. Just live with faith in the Lord, and when your heart becomes unbearable, repeat: "It is Your will, Lord. Let it be as You please." And I also pray for humility. Our vanity and selfishness haunt us. Don't be afraid to let go of your husband, live life to the fullest. If you love a person, then you just want him to feel good, which means that if he lives with another and he feels good there, then you yourself should feel good. Ask yourself these questions and you will understand whether it is love or self-love. I know how painful it is, I am constantly looking for answers to my similar questions. Only prayer and faith in the Lord can help us.

Natalia, age: 04/31/10/2012

Nadia, hello. All of us who write on this site have gone through this. Through betrayal, through disappointment, through unwillingness to live, through unbearable pain and ringing loneliness! I understand you very well. Having lived with my husband for 25 years, it seemed to me that there was no further life without him! I could not breathe, I did not live, but every day I survived and hoped! He will definitely change his mind! He must have been drugged! Nonsense! Complete nonsense. Huge delusion! We spend priceless years of waiting, but for whom? For traitors? On those to whom we devoted our lives, and through us they stepped over and left for a new life with new loved ones? Please, Nedenka, wake up! Take a look around! You are only 40 years old! The kids have grown! Start living for yourself! Yes, it's hard, I know! But through pain, through tears, begin to be reborn! Maybe it makes sense to find a good psychologist, but a good one! Now full of charlatans! Find out from acquaintances, it is better if it is an Orthodox psychologist. I found this and I am very grateful to him. Girlfriends here will only worsen the situation. And do not communicate with your ex-husband! You are not yet ready to communicate with him. Believe me, time will pass and you will calmly communicate with him when you meet, but not now. Let the children interact with him. And let me give you some more advice. Do not let him into your territory. She is yours - and he has nothing to do here! And every day, when it will be completely unbearable, imagine your relationship as a huge chain that has bound you. And imagine that you are cutting it with all your might. It should fly in all directions! It may be convenient for you to cut or gnaw it. Which is more acceptable to you. But the main thing is to do it every time when it is very overwhelming! You'll see how it gets easier! And it will get easier every time more and more! It helped me a lot. Nadenka, and no matter how painful it is, let go of your ex-husband internally. Without this, it will not be possible to further build a personal life. I am saying all this from my experience. Trust me, everything will work out! It takes time, and most importantly, you need to work on it. Every day, every minute. Work, otherwise nothing will work! Time cures! Yes! But only in working on this situation! And if you mourn your life, you will not get out. Say thank you to your husband for the love, for your children, for the happiness that was in your life and between you! Tell me about yourself! And forward to a new happy life! And how happy she will be, now depends only on you! I hug and kiss you! Patience to you in your work on the image of your life! New life! Happy, bright, full of love, sun, smiles! I so want you to smile! Oh please! Well, here, and smile! Thank you! Good luck to you! God bless you!

Eleonora, age: 46 / 04/10/2012

Hope hello! Your cry for help has already been heard, you are now on the way back to yourself! You know, just like you, I loved my husband very much, and I still love it, of course the story is different, but there are many similarities - betrayal, meanness, pain and despair! Expectation and hope that everything will return as before, but the situation only worsened! Two months ago I was so crushed that I couldn’t think constructively (my story in February), this site helped me look at myself from the outside, forced me to act! The empathy of people on this site, their advice, God's help - everything directed me to action. As if I needed to get out of that state, I was sent on a business trip at work, then I took three days off - I let go of the situation, forcing myself to fill every hour with deeds and worries, went to church, asked the Lord to arrange only for the good of everyone! I began to change - not to ask questions, but to look for ways to return to myself! Well, we once lived without husbands and were happy! I remembered myself as a small and happy girl, then I woke up on weekends from the aromas of my mother’s baking - now I myself began to cook something unusual and tasty on weekends for my daughter’s awakening, I remembered myself - happy and confident at graduation, the owner of a certificate of graduation with honors, my students - filled with friends, study - and you know, now I went to study again, in absentia, in March there was an orientation session. How many new emotions! My daughter dreamed of a pet - they took a kitten! Let's do it, let's do it together! While I can not say that everything is behind, no! Sometimes it rolls and covers like this... But I want to live and be happy, I want to!!! And I believe that it will. I pray. Thanks to the creators of the site that there is such an opportunity - to be heard! Hope, comprehend what was written to you and be sure to ACT! Everything will work out, you have to believe! And at 40, life is just beginning! I wish you patience, health, God bless you!

Irina, age: 42 / 04/11/2012

If you are thinking about suicide, then I must grieve you, suicides do not go to heaven, their souls die, read the Bible. But crowns are relied on for those who have endured. God created you for LIFE, even if it is difficult, difficult on earth, but having lived through which your soul goes to heaven for ETERNAL LIFE, but the evil one just wants the opposite, and this DEMONIC PASSION WHICH YOU MISTAKE FOR LOVE only confirms this. Only the evil one encourages suicide and thoughts about it, because then your soul will entirely belong to him, in hell.
You must understand that those thoughts about leaving life, about the loss of the meaning of life, which are spinning, swarming in your head - these are NOT your thoughts. For your soul, for your life there is a struggle between demons and angels, and whose side you yourself will take, such will be your further fate.
Hope, turn to God, turn with a prayer for help, so that God gives you strength and patience to endure these demonic attacks, get rid of this pain, which is demonic, because God gives trials to everyone according to his strength, and everything that seems from above, this is an obsession from demons, because they do not have direct power over us until we give our voluntary consent to this. The evil one gains power over a person only by deceit, first passes off his dark thoughts as our own, and if he receives our consent, which means renunciation of God, then he becomes the owner of the one who agreed, and this is eternal death. Therefore, everything that is contrary to God-given Life, deny and discard away. God does not need your unnatural death, but LIFE is needed, with or without a husband, with or without children - everyone has their OWN WAY OF LIFE, we only need to go through it with dignity in order to enter ETERNAL LIFE.
We will all be praying for you. God bless you!

Vladimir, age: 39 / 11.04.2012

Dear Hope!
Rejoice that for your part you have done everything you could. You have a good conscience, you kept love and, I think, loyalty. It is very important to have a clear, good conscience before God, oneself, people, where real guilt is much worse. And the fact that another person has committed a sin (including against you) is his business, not yours. It seems to me that you need to be able to distinguish between your own affairs and those of others. Your business now is not him, but you yourself, your life, your children. You cannot and should not lose your personality and completely dissolve it in another person. Even God respects our personality and wants us to be individuals, there is nothing wrong or selfish about that. A healthy dose of self-love is essential. Without this - nothing.

If I were you, I would minimize contact with this person. Changed - free. There is nothing to brainwash decent people! 40 years is not age. I'm 38 and I don't think I've lived yet. Yes, and life does not consist in a man, please look around, there are so many things in the world. Think to whom / what (cause) you can be pleasant and useful, what kindness you can do. I believe that you need to give yourself to the person who needs it. Otherwise it turns out, excuse me, throwing beads in front of pigs.

Another life exists. She is different from you.
You are ALREADY in it. Why not ACCEPT what God and the situation is offering at the moment? Please think about such a concept as humility. God did allow it, which means... it makes some sense. Try to understand what God wants to tell you, what to tell, what to call for, what he wants to reveal to you with this situation about Himself, about you, about your ex-husband, about people ...

Love God, love yourself, love the world, people and children, and not the person who does not need this love. A senseless waste of a spiritual resource, it is better to give your love, warmth, attention to those who REALLY NEED. But they are always there)

L., age: 38/11.04.2012

Hello Hope! As someone wisely wrote on this site: hope dies last, but in the event of a breakup, it must be killed first. You are too stuck in your grief, stuck in it like a fly in a jam. Hope, dear, it's been 3 years already! Whole 3 years! this is a whole little life, well, maybe enough already, but seriously, you finally pull yourself together and put an end to it. You can not hope for a posthumous paradise with your ex-husband, pathetic traitors like your husband do not go to heaven. Now is such a great time - Passion Week, God hears our prayers like never before, you still have time to confess and take communion, put a candle behind the BM and ask the Lord to help you forget him as soon as possible. And start a new countdown, a new life, fill it with joys, even the smallest ones, start communicating with people, go on an excursion to some interesting place, get a kitten and learn to be glad just because you are alive, because every day of our life is a real miracle, be grateful for this gift from above. Yes, your husband is gone, but you are still alive, which means God has some special plans for you, we mortals are not given to know what awaits us around the corner, but it's so interesting - just to know what will happen next. Take care of yourself and good luck to you!

alla, age: doesn't matter / 04/12/2012

Thank you for your kind words and wise advice, I feel that I can, I understand what to do to get rid of this stupor. I believe that everything will work out and it will be light on the soul, it’s a pity that the time wasted in vain. Thank you for support. Faith, and my name will help me too!

Nadezhda, age: 40 / 04/15/2012

Dear Hope! You are now in a lot of pain and hard on your soul, but this will pass with time. The main thing is not to have any illusions, HE WILL NOT RETURN. No matter how bitter it may sound. Drive away these thoughts of his return! Throw out all his photos and things so that nothing reminds of him. You are still so young! Remember the words from the movie "Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears": "At 40, life is just beginning .."
From the letter, I realized that you, Nadezhda, are a very decent person. You deserve to be happy. I wish you patience and strength to forget him! GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!

Emma, ​​age: 04/27/2012

Nadyusha!
Be healthy. I, like no one else, can understand you: having lived happily with my husband for 27 years, I received a "stab in the back" of the same kind.
He went to another, only a couple of years younger than me, eager for other people's husbands.
As it turned out, she knew perfectly well that he was a family man, but continued to aggravate her destructive and dubious activities.
Naturally, to put it mildly, I was wildly worried, but I reasoned like this:
- if he preferred "such" woman to me, then he is not worthy of ME;
- if I hysteria and ask him to return, etc., then I will only give him the opportunity to make sure that he made the right choice;
- I’ll be better than being subtly indifferent to his new life, which, by the way, cannot but hurt him, and I’ll start FLOWERING for others, which often gives, by the way, a good result!

And I decided that I should arrange my own life and live it with pleasure.
HOPE, I wish you to make the same decision!!!
And life will certainly PUNISH the homeless!

Laura, age: 55 / 02/19/2014

Thanks for all the advice that is addressed to Nadezhda here, they will hopefully help me too, I didn’t write correctly, I’m sure P O M O G U T !!! Of course, I cried from the bottom of my heart, but here all the words are chosen perfectly! You have to go ahead, no matter what the cost, but what a PAIN .........., how you want a calm, happy life to begin right away. I have almost the same problem, but with a twist! Yes, he walks, cheats, HOME (not in the apartment) does nothing, does absolutely nothing finger on finger, he has a secret life of his own, complete indifference towards me, comes when he pleases, in the evenings we are always silent, and if I talk about anything I’ll start talking, he turns on indifference, I see that I annoy him. But the problem is that we live under the same roof, my parents built a house for me, and he does not leave. Why? I don't understand at all. If he does not need me, he would go there forever, where he is comfortable. Here I am crying again and I think that only YAYAYAYA is to blame for everything! Sorry.

Ksyusha, age: 42 / 07/08/2014

Nadezhda, Ksyusha, I understand your pain very well, because I lived with BM for 25 years, they celebrated a silver wedding in August, and in May after the sanatorium, I was informed that he had another woman (my story is from 01/21/13 ).
2 years have already passed, and the wounds are healing very slowly, but I feel that it is already easier, it doesn’t give me rest, how such women (lovers) can build their happiness on the mountain and even their conscience does not torment them. My BM met the "matryoshka" when he worked for his mistress (he has shifts) and told her that he was not married, but how did she believe him? After all, almost all men on business trips are bachelors, even when she found out that he had a family, stepped over us (me and children) and continued to build relationships, because a lot depends on the decision of these women. God is their judge. So I calmed down a little, but I know that soon I will be very strongly "stormed" because BM is going to bring a mistress to her parents (grandfather's birthday is 80 years old - 08/06/14) and all the relatives are going and I really do not want my daughters to meet with "matryoshka" and even lived under the same roof. I just know that I will have a tantrum, but there is nothing to be done, they no longer consider me. I know that it will be bad and again I will raise myself from the ruins. my biggest help is the church. I already ask the Lord to give me patience and strength to endure all this.
Girls, there will be a holiday on our street! Just do not lose faith in God and take care of yourself.
God bless you!

Lyudmila, age: 53 / 07/11/2014

Hope, dear, I understand you perfectly. I was waiting too. 1.5 years he lived with another, and I suffered. Came back, I was in seventh heaven
from happiness. Lived for a year. And exactly a year later he betrayed me for the second time. Went to her. And now I'm experiencing all this horror for
second round. It is unbearable. Nobody will help us here. We must grit our teeth and live in spite! It hurts, it's unbearable, it's not
convey in words. But you have to live. Although I also ask God to take me away.

Margosha, age: 44 / 24.11.2017

Nadia. The pain of the soul is a very strong pain. You have children, they are already big, but they are still in your "nest". How will they enter
adult life is up to you. Look at them, the father hurt and their hearts, what they feel in their heart (pain,
betrayal, resentment for yourself and for you, distrust, disappointment ...) And only you are there. Switch to your children, let them
his love for two, and for his father and for himself. So that the pain of their soul, which is still so vulnerable, would go away, so that the insult would go away, that they
abandoned, which may last for the rest of their lives. The spiritual wounds of our children can go much deeper. May God teach you
with your love for your children - to love and forgive. Then your soul and the souls of your children will have peace! If you really love a person, then
With all your heart you want him to be happy. Wish your husband happiness and forgive him. Ask God to give you strength to forgive and give you strength
live on and find the meaning of your life. When the children see you happy, loving and there will be forgiveness and peace in their hearts. Life on
indeed, there are ups and downs, but each person has the inner strength to rise. Love without any conditions and YOU
YOU WILL BE HAPPY.

Marina, age: 54 / 12/21/2017

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I always thought that only pretentious fools use the word "betrayal" in everyday life. Okay, when the war and the interests of the Motherland are involved, but in peacetime, why throw serious accusations? The girl did not support in the dispute - she betrayed, a friend blurted out too much - a traitor. Isn't it too reverent attitude towards one's own person?

But gradually, listening and reading countless breakup stories, I realized that some people have the right to a high style, and most often women are betrayed by men, and not vice versa. The very ones who love to talk a lot and beautifully about honesty and friendship.

At the same time, I am rather lenient in my assessments. In a hypothetical situation, when the wife suddenly fell ill and, let's say, is paralyzed, I can understand the husband who decided to get a divorce. Often couples are created not from great love, but because of mutual comfort. He agreed to live with a healthy woman, but he was not ready to live with a disabled woman. This burden is too much for him, and it’s good that he found the strength to leave, and not poison her life with petty tyranny. If you finally take care of it financially, in general, well done.

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But all too often men run away not in such fatal situations, but simply at a moment of minor passing difficulties. Small, they are small, but only against the background of death and global catastrophe. And on the scale of private life, it is quite a serious problem: job loss, moving, depression, conflict with the family. It is hard and bad for a woman at this time, she withdraws into herself, complains or becomes irritable. Conscious people are smart enough to talk about this: I'm sorry, I'm having a difficult period, I may be unbearable now, but I'll manage with time, please be patient. Some add "help", but more often they ask only to wait and not aggravate the problem.

Do you think it works? Even if you do not require active intervention, if you just need not to interfere and stay close - alas. Husbands, perhaps, will endure, but if you are not married, but just close, expect problems.

It would seem that you do not even live together, your financial difficulties will not particularly affect him, in the event of an unpleasant pressing communication, he can always go home and wait out the storm. But men often tend to run away, losing their slippers, at the first sign of anxiety.

It turns out that they can’t handle not only your wheelchair, but also just stress. The first commandment of a pick-up artist is not to mess with a girl whose problems are bigger than yours. For all its cynicism, it is reasonable in terms of saving resources, you cannot save all the unfortunate at the expense of your own life, and there is no need to.

But if you are already together; if her troubles are temporary; if she only needs months to cope, why not? Why does the instinct that drives a deer out of a burning forest suddenly turn on for nothing?

Perhaps there was a very weak person next to you. You never know who is how strong until he presses. What is short-term difficulties for you looks like a catastrophe to him, and he is afraid of the consequences. Who knows how much effort it will require from him? What if you finally go bankrupt, get sick or go crazy with grief? Then he will have to leave you in trouble and remain a scoundrel. So better run now before things get so bad.

Maybe he's just nervous. Men often come to women for peace, especially those who are married or anxious. Rest the soul, relax, hide from their own fears. And then a storm begins in his quiet harbor, a girlfriend “fonit” and does not provide comfort. Is it not enough for him to have a hysterical wife and problems at work? Nafig-nafig.

And the most offensive reason is that you are already fed up with him. But it was a pity to break the old connection for no reason, but now one careless word, and you can slam the door.

Whatever it was, after a couple of such stories that happened to almost everyone, it begins to seem like any man regularly scans for endurance, and as soon as he notices that a woman is losing, she runs away. As if you are an old house that needs to be checked for hidden cracks, otherwise it will collapse and bury everyone.