What to do if the mother-in-law destroys the family. Mother-in-law destroys our relationship

Husbands often complain to others that "the mother-in-law creeps into our lives, does not give a passage with her advice and nit-picking." Because of such interference in families, conflicts arise, which sometimes even lead to divorce. In this situation, it will be useful for the husband to know how to properly behave with his mother-in-law.

First of all, you need to understand the reasons for such behavior on the part of the mother-in-law. Often this is due to the reluctance to let the daughter go into adulthood and come to terms with the fact that the mother no longer plays a central role for her. The daughter now has her own family, and the mother, whether she wants it or not, fades into the background. This does not mean at all that the daughter began to love her mother less, she just became an adult, she now has her own family, which needs to devote time and effort. But the mother-in-law climbs into the family, wanting to return everything to its previous course. In this situation, for her, her son-in-law is a competitor and an invader that needs to be fought.

To cope with the problem, both members of the new family must acknowledge the problem and try to cope with it. The daughter must finally understand that she is no longer a child, she now has her own family, for which she needs to fight. And the husband should support the young wife and guide her along this path. If the mother-in-law begins to attack the son-in-law, the daughter, in no case, should allow this. With all possible delicacy, she should make it clear to her mother that she takes the side of her husband. At the same time, one should not succumb to the manipulations that a mother resorts to like: “I devoted my whole life to you. You're ungrateful" and so on.

You should be extremely careful when trusting your mother-in-law with the upbringing of grandchildren. Still, the main word should be for the parents, it is they who should decide how to raise children. It is necessary to immediately establish clear rules and make it clear to the mother-in-law that they will be respected in any case.

It happens that the husband is offended that the wife listens to her mother, allows her to interfere in the life of a young family. Such a wife should take a clear position, decide on whose side she is on, and try to act as a peacemaker in the mother’s relationship with her soulmate. It must be remembered that constantly taking the side of the mother, such a woman risks being left without a husband and living her whole life without building a strong family. A subtle psychological move in such conflicts, defending her husband, calls her position “we”, making it clear that the young family is one whole.

No matter how difficult it is, you need to try to find a separate housing. Then many problems will be removed by themselves. At a distance, it is easier to maintain normal relations, and the struggle for territory between the son-in-law and the mother-in-law will stop. It is best that the new housing is located at a sufficient distance from the parents' apartment. Otherwise, it is likely that the mother-in-law will visit regularly. Sometimes such an obsession with a mother-in-law on a child and his new family is connected with her own unsettled personal life. In this case, you can try to find her a soul mate, or at least a hobby.

There is a custom in Latin America. If the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law walk towards each other on a narrow path, the mother-in-law is obliged to lie down on it, and the daughter-in-law must go straight along the mother-in-law. And in Polynesia, the mother-in-law has the right to follow her son-in-law only when his traces are washed away by three sea waves.

The mother-in-law should remember that true wisdom is to allow the child to grow up and live his own life. Otherwise, all her guardianship and care will not help make her daughter happier, but, on the contrary, will instill in her inferiority and a sense of her own inferiority.

It is impossible to "wean" your mother-in-law to steer in your house. All conversations with her about this will only further increase the negative that this lady brings to her daughter's family.

You have two ways out of this situation in your own family. Or tolerate the presence of the mother-in-law, or close her "visa-free access" to the house.

If you choose option number 2, put a question to your wife point-blank. Say that you married her, and you didn’t take her mother as a burden to your daughter. Let him choose. Or communication with my mother when visiting each other (which is also limited to family holidays), or communication with my mother as a divorced woman.

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What to do if the mother-in-law constantly interferes in family life?

Please evaluate the actions of your mother-in-law correctly. Every mother wishes her child only happiness. A caring mother tries to help, but only does it in her own way, as she sees fit. People of different age categories often do not understand each other. The younger generation believes that parents interfere in their lives. The older one does this only out of the best of intentions. Mom wants to help your family, to protect, protect from mistakes, perhaps from which she herself once suffered.

I understand that this annoys you, you do not need it, but unfortunately, your mother-in-law will not understand you if you tell her everything directly, she may be deeply offended. Your wife will also be offended by your attitude towards her mother.

You can accept such mother-in-law's behavior as inevitable, because parents are not chosen, and mothers-in-law get in addition to their beloved wives.
Sometimes turn some advice into a harmless joke. Show your mother-in-law more often that you respect her. Do not try to immediately accept her instructions with hostility, but be more flexible, agree on something. Then you can say that you tried, for example, to do something, but it didn’t work out.

There is another important reason, based on which the mother-in-law can fit into your family. She may feel that she has the right to do this if she helps you financially, or if your family lives in her apartment. In order to get rid of extraneous interference, one must be completely financially independent from this person. Then you can still try to voice some of your demands, but, of course, it is worth solving this problem in a peaceful way.

Communicate with your mother-in-law more often, stay ahead of your care for the family, her attempts to infiltrate with your advice.

This will be difficult to do if she has been doing this for a long time. This requires a lot of perseverance and perseverance from you.

It has become a habit for her and it’s not easy to wean it off. Moreover, it depends on the mother-in-law herself. There are people who are used to holding everything in their hands. (here is your mother-in-law, most likely, such). Then your desire will not lead to anything on the road. And discord in the family is guaranteed.
Choose. Is it worth it?
In general, everything will depend on your wife. Whose side is she on? If it's with you, then everything will work out.
You just need to leave (if you live together) - this is the main condition. If you live separately, it's easier here. Try by hook or by crook to make sure that she visits you as little as possible.

Over time, he will get used to it and stop putting pressure on you.
Or maybe something else is the reason? Maybe she needs someone else (for example, a man to already "work with him", and not with you). Will switch to another object and will not be up to you ...
Think!
But do not cut drastically. You can offend a person.

How to wean mother-in-law to climb into someone else's family life?

The easiest way to wean the mother-in-law to climb into family life is to resolve this issue territorially. If you live in her apartment, then you should not be surprised at all that she will interfere in your personal life.

A common mistake is to buy or rent a property nearby. The mother-in-law will come to visit very often and tell the couple what to do.

So you need to buy or rent a house as far away from your mother-in-law as possible. Sometimes it's even better to go to another city, if possible.

But do not think that your mother-in-law is special. Almost all mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law interfere in the life of a married couple, sometimes unconsciously.

Do not limit the wife in communicating with her mother. It would be better for her to talk to her mother for an hour on the phone than for her mother-in-law to come in for a few hours.

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Is it possible to wean the mother-in-law to climb into your family?

It is simply impossible to wean a person who has already taken place for a long time with a large baggage of life experience. It's like forcing a cat to become a dog. The only way out is to find your own approach to this person. In no case do not sport and do not bring the matter to a scandal. If the mother-in-law is already very old, give her a small "discount" and respect her age. Since you are so lucky with her, you will have to develop a special communication tactic. Learn to be a psychologist. If you live on its territory, you may not be surprised who is the boss in the house. Young families simply need to live separately, in order to avoid conflicts, but there is no getting away from them, and in very rare cases mothers-in-law are silk. Their units.

Find your way to it.

Hello!
It just boiled up and I don’t know how to deal with this and with whom in the first place.
My wife and I have been together for 5 years and married for a year and a half, my wife is now in her 6th month. We live in our apartment in the same town with my mother-in-law and father-in-law, the distance between the houses is about 1 km, not so far.
A little about myself, a manager and I also have my own business.
The pharmacist's wife works in another city, and manages 3 pharmacies, she works from morning until late in the evening, she used to work in our city and worked only until lunch.
So at first everything was fine, I worked all day, then I went to the rocking chair, met with friends, did small business in my free time, and there was a lot of it. the wife was not at home after work, not when, then the girlfriends either sports, then they will eat somewhere with their mother, etc. we met only for the night, time passed. Each of us has his own bank account, his own car, each bought everything with his own money. lived without a receipt. Her parents constantly asked for something, give me a car, borrow money, take my mother here and there, etc. because they don’t live very well with their father-in-law (he is vociferous and arrogant that PPC, a former cop from KZ) and he doesn’t take her anywhere.
So before, we weren’t scheduled and everyone managed their finances as they wanted, but I always consulted with my wife both before and after the wedding, but she didn’t, her brother needed a car - please (after the wedding), I only found out about this when I was indignant about where the student had such money for a new Audi - then my wife answered me "I borrowed him" - this is a couple of days later, as he was already riding a new Audi, I also remained guilty of our further quarrel when I asked why not first consulted me. It turned out that every day after work she goes past her parents' house, they always need something from the pharmacy, then her father says, her brother bought a car, he needs money, give it to him, they still lie idle with you .... it turns out they buy a car, they don’t have their own money, but they know where they will get 100%. If the father-in-law needs a car with a towbar, we have two of them, then he also calls and says bring me a car, if he needs money, bring the same song, when he gives it away, come and take it.
When I asked my wife to spend more time at home, because all the "economy" is on me, I'm alone in this city, I have nowhere to go and go, I don't go to the gym anymore, my friends are all with their families and wives, and I don't want to bother them every day either, and in the end I have a wife with whom I want to spend time - she ignored me, this already happened before the wedding, but now her pregnancy is growing every day and the behavior of neither father-in-law nor mother-in-law has not changed, they call her at any time at work, on her mobile and they don’t care she is driving or whether she has time for them, she always owes them something, not paying attention to the fact that it is already hard for her. When he comes home and this is not earlier than 20:00, then of course I am already angry. now she, due to pregnancy, works until 17:00 and rides somewhere for at least 3 hours, she reacts aggressively to my calls to stay at home more.
This kind of bullshit has been going on since the first day of our wedding, i.e. since i started pushing for more time together more time to delete house etc. because if I do not complete the tasks set jointly, we have a scandal that comes from the side of my wife, she does not complete her tasks ... because. very busy, no time and tired...
Everything would be nothing, but from daily scandals I specifically passed, nerves, eyesight, back, etc. Initially, I sinned on stress at work, but it turned out that I go to work like a resort, sometimes I don’t want to return home from work.
When the father-in-law and mother-in-law are not in the city and the wife is at home, then she is calm and everything is super with us, and when they saddle her every day, she is on her nerves, she cannot refuse them, she was brought up like that. My influence on her ends in a huge scandal and the initiative comes from her side, very often lately she began to tell me "collect your clothes and fuck"
Who to start with and how to present? such a question
Don't mistake me for a whiner, there's just nowhere else to consult

There is a custom in Latin America. If the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law walk towards each other on a narrow path, the mother-in-law is obliged to lie down on it, and the daughter-in-law must go straight along the mother-in-law. And in Polynesia, the mother-in-law has the right to follow her son-in-law only when his traces are washed away by three sea waves.

Hello!
I ask for help or advice in this situation.
We met with my beloved woman for 3 years with a break and recently (8 months) got married. We try to build our family together, organize life, comfort. We really want a child. There are, of course, conflicts, but we resolve them peacefully and without offense. We live in the second house of my parents separately.
My relationship with her mother did not immediately work out during the courtship period. She initially did not like me, and she tried to limit my communication with her daughter, forcing her to go out "by the clock", pretending to be unwell, etc. Such situations have been described here many times. Then the future mother-in-law constantly controlled her daughter, right up to the search of her handbag and distrust in everything: “Where have you been?”, “With whom?”, “I will call and check.” My girlfriend constantly fought with her mother on this basis. Her conversations with her mother (sometimes I intervened) gave only a temporary result. When we decided to get married, my mother-in-law was not against it, and realizing that nothing could be changed, she expressed that this was our decision and would not interfere in our lives. But this control has been preserved, even worsened to this day. It comes to the tears of his wife, who is trying to explain to her mother that she already has her own family. But again, a temporary effect. And all this does not come to balance.

I do not want to render a disservice, especially since my wife asks me not to interfere, convincing me that she will figure it out herself. With my temper, I can really hurt. But I want to help. With a wife, we can talk frankly and trust in almost everything with a certain attitude.
Advise how to be?
Thanks for answers.

Konstantin, Atyrau, Kazakhstan, 25 years old

Family Psychologist Answer:

Hello Konstantin.

Restructuring relationships with parents in a young family is not always a quick matter. Especially if the parents use the tactics of double standards: in words, the joyful acceptance of a new family member, practically registering their beloved relatives on the lists, but in reality - gossip and intrigues behind their backs, up to obvious attempts to set the husband and wife against each other and divorce young spouses. It is very difficult to resist this game of survival, especially if the parents are clearly interested in the result. But the results of this struggle largely depend on the ability or desire of the young spouses to unite against these intrigues and intrigues. The subtlety of the moment lies precisely in the fact that if you begin to protect the interests of your spouse alone, then you unwittingly get into her sovereign relationship with her mother. And according to the laws of the genre, your wife is obliged to rush to defend her mother and her right to sort things out with her on her own. But if you do not interfere at all, then leave your wife without help and psychological support. And it will begin to seem to her that her mother is closer to her than her husband. Therefore, both you and your wife will now have a very difficult period. Not easy, because it is always easier to unite against an obvious enemy, or overcome domestic or financial difficulties. But recognizing the threat from the closest and dearest people and looking for compromises in the fight against them is always a huge restructuring, first of all, of one's own consciousness. It will be very difficult for your wife right now, perhaps even more difficult than for you. And it is on your mutual support that the fate of your young family will depend.

Sincerely, Panfilova Natalya Alexandrovna.