In the life of almost every person, sooner or later, parting occurs. In the lives of many - more than once. This is a very important event, because it is only on the one hand the end of something. More importantly, parting is a moment of choice and the beginning of something new. If the choice is right, it becomes the beginning of a new, better life, a truer understanding of love. It was the separation that helped a huge number of people to become adults, loving and happy people.

The theme of parting in full. I have enriched and deepened my experience with the help of highly qualified psychologists and Orthodox priests who participate in the operation of the Perezhit.ru website. This article is the quintessence of our methodology. The article does not replace other articles, but will help you structure and better understand the material.

1. Put an end

If the separation has occurred, first of all, you need to take the fact of what happened for granted. If a person is gone, you need to let him go. It is necessary to put an end to those relations that were.

Stories are different. Unfortunately, there are separations in marital relations. Therefore, when I say that it is necessary to put an end to it, I do not say: shut the door tightly, bury the person, erase him from your memory. No! Often lawful husbands and wives return with repentance, and then they can be accepted. It's about something else. Coming to terms with a breakup means letting go of a person. Recognize his right to such a decision, even if it is wrong. Stop holding it.

Theoretically, it is possible that after some time both of you will change, and a meeting of new you may occur, and you will be able to create new, more harmonious relationships.

But the people you are now couldn't be together. The path you were on has come to this point. And at this point it ended. The person you are now must recognize and accept this.

If you have even a little love for this person, recognize his right to be free. Release and bless him.

Say to yourself, addressing this person: “I let you go! Bless you!"

The cessation of attempts to return a person, the cessation of hopes for his return is an absolutely necessary condition for the successful experience of parting. Some cling to a person for months and years. And as long as they cling, they suffer, they get stuck in this state.

Often lovers (especially those suffering from love addiction) break up and converge several times. And the further - the lower the quality of their relationship. They thereby humiliate themselves, their relationships, they reinforce the skills of how not to live, and reduce their chances of building healthy relationships. There is a good rule: “When you leave, leave!”

And believe that your clinging does not increase the love and respect for you of the one you cling to, but quite the contrary.

2. Overcome intrusive thoughts

In most crises, we suffer not from the situation itself, but from false obsessive thoughts about it. "You won't find someone as good as her." "You won't love anyone else." "You will never have children." "It's impossible to love someone like you." “I won’t love anyone like that again” (this is usually for girls aged 15-18), “There is no need to live anymore.” These thoughts hurt us almost physically, plunge us into despair.

Relatively speaking, 10% of our suffering is from the situation itself, from the inability to see a loved one, to be with him, etc., 90% are from these false thoughts. So, as soon as we overcome these thoughts, we will stop suffering. And you can overcome obsessive thoughts quickly enough.

First of all, we need to recognize these thoughts as an external force hostile to us, which, with the help of deceit, is trying to plunge us into despair and almost kill us from the world. These thoughts are not generated by you! They have come from outside to harm you. To accept a thought or not to accept is in our power. If we accept it and begin to “chew it”, then it becomes, as it were, ours.

What do psychologists of women's and popular psychological magazines advise in such cases? Get distracted. Find an activity that will help you take your mind off heavy thoughts. This is as “wise” as advising a front line soldier to turn away from the enemy so as not to see his nasty face, and do something else. Like, you can't see him, so he's gone.

And what about the fact that just at that moment he will put a bullet in your back?

My advice is unequivocal - turn to face the enemy and fight. This is the only real opportunity to deal with this enemy. A thought is such a thing that neither an exercise bike, nor a swimming pool, nor the fingers of a beautician or masseur, nor a new lover can protect. Thought can only be defeated by thought!

How to win?

Arguing with hostile thoughts is useless. Some hope, with the help of a discussion with thoughts that overcome them, to analyze something, to judge, to make some kind of decision. In the acute period of the crisis, in the first week or two, no sound reasoning and right decisions are possible. First you need to bring yourself to a healthy, sober state. In a period of acute crisis, we have only one goal - to gain a sober view of things by combating obsessive thoughts.

The only way to overcome false thoughts is to oppose them with true, kind thoughts, clothed in the power of prayer.

To do this, it is necessary, first of all, to constantly control what kind of thought torments you. That's what I call looking the enemy in the face.

Second, to oppose this thought with an appropriate prayer. That is, a prayer, the meaning of which is opposite to the thought that torments at the moment. Three or four short prayers are enough to “deal with” most of the obsessive thoughts in a breakup situation.

If you are tormented by thoughts of self-pity, thoughts of despondency, grumbling or fear.

Typical thoughts are: “I won’t love anyone else”, “I won’t feel so good with anyone else”, “My life no longer makes sense”, “How can I, poor thing, now live?”. Our worst enemy is self-pity. This pity must be dealt with ruthlessly.

Prayers that are used against such thoughts: “Glory to God for everything!”, “Thy will for everything. Let it be as You please!”

The meaning of these prayers is that we recognize the non-randomness of what happened. We recognize that no matter how painful it is, it is for our good. Thus, we express our trust in God, Who wishes us all the best, and the confidence that this event will serve to improve our lives and our souls. And since the improvement of the soul implies an increase in love in it, it means that it is quite possible that we will still love someone, and with a more perfect love.

If you are tormented by thoughts about the person with whom we are parting, or about the one who “took away” this person.

Typical thoughts: “He is the best, you won’t meet such a person again”, “I can’t live without her!”, “How would I return him”, “Scoundrel! How could he deceive me like that!”, “I hate her, the vile one, for taking him away! How can I get revenge on her?"

If we are tormented by the thought of any person, we kill it with a simple prayer: “Lord, bless this person!”. We invest in this prayer the desire for good to a person.

The psychological explanation is this. The fact is that the essence of obsessive thoughts that torment us is evil, aggression. This is either an insult to a person, or a desire to deprive him of his freedom, tying him to himself against his will, or a desire to take revenge, or a desire that misfortunes befell him for what he did. All this is the opposite of love. And so, when we oppose a good thought to these evil thoughts, the evil thought is defeated.

There is also a deeper level of understanding. If we admit that dark entities are the source of our evil thoughts, then it is clear that evil is their goal. And as a result of such prayer, not just good is obtained, but double good: both you benefit from prayer, and the person for whom you pray. Naturally, such a result of their intervention does not suit these dark entities at all, and they move away from you. Verified by many!

If you are tormented by aggressive thoughts addressed to yourself.

False thoughts: “It’s impossible to love someone like you, you are a loser”, “You are to blame for everything, if only you hadn’t made that mistake!”

Prayer: Praise God for everything! If they are really guilty of something: “Lord, have mercy!”, “Lord, forgive!”.

Prayer "Glory to God for everything!" universal. It contains, among other things, self-acceptance, gratitude to God for the good that is in us.

Penitential prayers: “Lord, have mercy!”, “Lord, forgive!” are pronounced without strain, in an even, impassive tone. If we start acting, we ourselves will not notice how, instead of repentance, we will concentrate on despondency and self-pity: “Oh, how unfortunate I am, have pity on me!”. This will only cause harm. When a person truly repents, he firmly believes that God forgives him, and every minute it is easier for him.

I emphasize: the tone of all prayers must be even, no matter what storm rages within us!

There are a few more rules to keep in mind when praying.

First, you need to control your attitude towards the One to whom you pray. Remember that God does not owe you anything. He is not to blame for the fact that you are now ill. But you, most likely, are largely to blame before Him. Therefore, pray humbly. Only humble prayer achieves the goal. Prayer, in the depths of which there is an offense against God or an impudent demand, will not give anything.

This is on the one hand. On the other hand, do not consider yourself a completely alien, disenfranchised petitioner. You are not addressing an indifferent official, but a merciful Father who loves you. He wants to give you everything you ask for and more.

Secondly, believe that you are being heard, that you can be helped and will certainly be helped. God is omnipotent, He created this world out of nothing. God hears your every word (which you yourself hear), and not a single word of yours is wasted.

Thirdly, it is desirable to know as well as possible the One to whom you are praying. Some people think that God is a "higher intelligence." But under the definition of "higher intelligence" is quite suitable and Satan. Therefore, if you are close to Christianity, try reading the Gospel to find out what kind of God He is. Just do not visualize God during prayer - this is very dangerous. (Looking at the icon of Jesus Christ does not mean presenting God in front of you, it is safe.)

You need to pray for exactly as long as the attack on you by obsessive thoughts continues. Some will read the prayer several times, and then say: "I tried to pray - it did not help." This is ridiculous. You are sitting in a trench. The enemy is firing at you from all sides. You fire three shots at the enemy. Naturally, the shelling does not stop. In desperation, you crawl to the bottom of the trench, throwing away the machine gun: it supposedly does not help.

Where is the logic here? The force of action must be equal to the force of reaction! When I was in this situation, for the first 5 or 7 days I prayed almost continuously, repeating the words of the prayers thousands of times. By carefully observing exactly what thought is attacking me now, and using the appropriate prayer against it. I held on to my prayer like a drowning man to a lifeline. Naturally, if I let go of the circle, I would immediately go to the bottom.

Therefore, do not be lazy, do not retreat, do not give up! Fight with all your might!

3. Forgive yourself and the other person

Common problems in a breakup situation are positions of resentment towards the other person or blaming oneself. Both positions prevent us from finally recovering.

Another person may be guilty of something before us. However, you need to forgive him, for two reasons.

First, we do not know exactly why it happened, we do not know the degree of our guilt. The mistakes of one of the two can be obvious (drunkenness, cruelty, betrayal, consumerism on a material level), and the other is hidden (consumerism on a spiritual level, jealousy, disrespect, emancipation). However, the former may be a consequence of the latter. That is why they say that both are always to blame. Each of the two always has their own truth. And you, knowing only your own truth, but not knowing the truth of another, cannot judge him.

Secondly, your resentment binds you to this person, as shackles bind two convicts. By cutting the chain of resentment, you release not only him, but also yourself. And each of you takes with you your piece of the chain - your share of responsibility.

How to forgive?

Tell him mentally: “I forgive you!” This does not mean that you approve of what he did or take full responsibility for what happened. No, he is responsible and fully responsible for his mistakes. But he will bear this responsibility himself, without your participation.

If the obsessive thought of resentment continues to haunt you, use the weapon of prayer described above: “God bless him!”

If we blame ourselves, we need to sort out our feelings and separate the rational from the irrational.

Rational - these are the facts of your specific sins: betrayal, rudeness, deceit, jealousy, the wife's desire to rise above her husband, etc.

The irrational is just an inferiority complex, behind which are not facts, but beliefs: “I am bad”, “I am no good”, “I am not worthy of love”, etc.

The rational is cured by repentance. Take your share of responsibility on yourself, refraining from self-justification. Ask for forgiveness from a person - really or mentally. Ask forgiveness from God. Work on fixing yourself to become a different person who won't do it again.

The irrational is an obsessive false thought. She is cured by prayer and good deeds. But above all - improving relations with parents.

4. Benefit, work on yourself

There is a common truth: any difficult situation, any crisis is not a “misfortune”, but a test. A test is an opportunity sent down to us from above, precisely calculated for our needs and abilities, to grow, to take a step towards personal perfection and a better life. And the opportunity to grow is so important and valuable to us that it would be strange to call it a misfortune. As we grow up, we become happier.

But growth does not automatically follow trial. As stated earlier, a test is an opportunity. If we only feel sorry for ourselves, blame others, lose heart, grumble, then we have not passed the test, we have not grown up. And you have to grow. So the next lesson will be tougher.

To pass the test, you must first of all humble yourself. When you and I, overcoming the desire to lose heart, feel sorry for ourselves and grumble, prayed “Glory to Thee, Lord!” This was the school of humility. Thanks to this school, we will not be so upset during the next trials. Humility makes us stronger and more patient. Humility is our most valuable "income" from any trial.

Now that the acute stage of the crisis has passed, it is time to soberly analyze the reasons for what happened.

First, what were constituents your relationship, how much love was there, how much dependence, how much physiological passion? From your side, from your partner's side.

Secondly, what were the genuine goals relationships - family, pleasure, mercantile calculation? From your side, from your partner's side. To what extent these goals are worthy of you, do you need such goals?

Thirdly, if the goal was worthy (a real family), then how much you and this person approached for each other and for this purpose? Could this goal be achieved with this person? And did you know him enough to allow the degree of intimacy that you allowed? And what kind of person can achieve this goal? And what kind of person is best for you? What qualities do you lack in order to successfully achieve this goal? Are you an adult or an addict? What harmful and useful habits did you take away from your parental family and from the relationships that preceded these relationships?

Fourthly, if both the goal was worthy and the people worthy of the goal, what mistakes were allowed by you in the process of achieving these goals? What should you do to get better results?

In the process of this analysis, write down on paper everything that you need to change in yourself. Your mistakes that you need to repent. Your shortcomings that should be corrected. Those good qualities that you need to develop in yourself. These records will be your second "income" from this test.

To get the third "income" from the test, put this sheet into action - start working on yourself. First of all, we are talking about inner work. About overcoming addictions, passions, cultivating love, chastity. Such work on yourself will make you a different person.

If you find it necessary to also work on your body, doing physical education is in any case beneficial. Physical training, coupled with overcoming “I can’t do it anymore”, not only makes our body younger and more attractive, but also strengthens the will, which is of great importance for the success of all the affairs of our life.

It is very important at this stage to put before yourself the right goals for the next period of life. It is the improvement of yourself as a person, the cultivation of love in yourself, getting rid of shortcomings that should be your goals. Not a new meeting, not the return of the one who left.

Moreover, it is highly desirable abstain from any relationship for at least a year, similar to love ones - even chaste ones. Because otherwise the relationship will be built on an unreliable foundation. The first time after parting, self-esteem is underestimated. After some time of work on yourself, it can become overpriced. Both that, and another, hinders soberly to estimate the partner. In addition, the substitution effect is known, when we unconsciously look for a replacement for a partner who has left us. Relationships that begin to take shape ahead of time will be fragile.

Therefore, do not go in cycles in the topic of love relationships! Do not worry about the fact that you have nowhere to meet a good person! Everything will happen in due time. When you are ready to create a full-fledged family, a worthy person will appear. As soon as you become a princess, your prince will immediately rush on a white horse. Even if you sit at home all day because of illness, he will make a mistake with the door or phone number - and will come to you. And if you are not ready, then even with a huge circle of friends you will not be able to choose anyone.

If age leaves little hope for creating a new family, all the more, a person has one field of activity left - his soul. If there is someone to take care of, this is also a worthy task of life, but still, improving yourself is more important. Because only a loving person can truly care for others. Here is the story of a woman who lives a dignified life after a divorce in celibacy.

5. Do not recognize the right to be unhappy

Many of us, unconsciously for ourselves, in the state “I am poor, unhappy, no one loves me” feel more comfortable than in the state: “I was born for happiness, and it depends on me whether to be happy or not to be.” This is due to infantilism (childishness), the inability to overcome some stages of growing up. We do not want, as adults, to take responsibility for ourselves. And therefore, although we are afraid of trouble, when they come, we literally cling to them and do not want to let go.

The more infantile a person is, the longer he gets stuck in a state of experience. Just as at school he liked to lie in bed when he was ill, feel sorry for himself and accept the sympathy of others, so here he lies down in the bed of self-pity. Finally, it seems like a valid reason for self-pity has been found. And in this state after parting, a person, if desired, can stay for many years. But what's the point?

In fact, there is not a single valid reason for such relaxation. Adult, mentally healthy people never relieve themselves of their responsibility to themselves and other people. After all, we need other people, and ourselves. We need not only healthy and capable, but also strong, joyful, able to support and delight others.

Therefore, adults, mentally healthy people do not get stuck even in such a severe trauma as experiencing the death of a loved one. No one but our enemies needs our tears, physical and mental illness and suicide. All our near and far, living and dead, need us strong and joyful.

Therefore, our task is to rejoice. And not sometime later, when everything will work out, and we will create a family with one of the heirs of the British royal house. You need to rejoice right now. There is no good reason not to do this. We are alive, able to work, we can love, God loves us, and He has given us many abilities that it's time to use.

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See also on this topic:

Leave without looking back, like Lot from a burning city ( Psychologist Irina Rakhimova)
Very easy to endure Priest Ilya Shugaev)
The fact that there is only one love in life, romantics came up with ( Priest Andrei Lorgus)
The love of God will make up for the lack of all other love ( Archpriest Igor Gagarin)
You need to understand and accept yourself Psychologist Irina Karpenko)

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Any woman needs a lot of time in order to survive and understand what happened.

According to UN statistics for 2011, Russia is in first place in terms of the number of divorces in the world. Every second officially registered marriage breaks up. This means that there are many women who have gone through this test. Similar problems are faced all over the world. You need to understand that divorce is not the end, but a new beginning.

If family life lasted a long time and had emotional and spiritual significance for a person, then an unexpected break is always stressful, which is experienced as grief.

Women react differently to divorce, but everyone has to go through certain stages. The whole sequence of experiences is similar to what people experience after the death of a loved one. In a sense, divorce can be seen as the "death" of the family.

The threads of human relationships cannot break overnight, leaving no trace, simply after the signing of a legal document. It takes months and even years to start living fully again.

Experiences after a divorce have several phases. Depending on the phase in which you are now, the recommendations of psychologists that correspond to the state will help. The time frames of the phases are arbitrary, since divorce and the relationship that precedes it can be confusing, full of hope and despair, replacing each other. Therefore, some phases may be delayed.

shock phase

Shock is the initial reaction of any person to grief. The shock usually lasts from several minutes to several months, but most often - about 10-12 days.

At this time, it is not easy to believe at all what happened. For example, you found out about the betrayal, or he reported that he wanted a divorce and left. Even just believing it is impossible.

It can help to have friends and loved ones around you. If you manage to tell someone about what happened, express your feelings, maybe cry a lot - you may feel that it has become at least a little easier.

Phase of depression and conscious suffering

On average, this period lasts 8-9 weeks. This is a time of mental turmoil and experiences, when the feeling of the meaninglessness of life, loneliness, fear and helplessness is fully manifested. A woman left alone after a divorce, a break with her beloved, usually experiences many conflicting feelings.

If you are going through this critical period of your life right now, you are most likely familiar with a variety of feelings, as if tangled in a ball. This is a feeling of guilt for not keeping her husband and not saving the family, and pain, and resentment, and bewilderment. Emotions overwhelm and interfere with understanding. Try to understand, to see from the side of your experiences. During this period, friends and family who will be ready to listen to you can help. Try to speak out, don't keep your feelings to yourself.

A strong feeling is highly unproductive. It can become destructive if you go headlong into it. Psychologists working with people who have gone through a divorce have found that mental anguish usually ends when a person stops blaming himself for failure and begins to understand that it takes two people to bring a family to ruin.

Do not focus only on your experiences. Remember that there are people around you who are also having a hard time. These are, for example, your children, who are having a hard time with what is happening. They need a father they love. Therefore, reassure the children that they will be able to see their dad quite often. It is also important, despite your suffering, to start making plans for the future life and find support in yourself.

Residual phase

It lasts about a year after the divorce. At this stage, the experience of grief does not dominate, it sometimes appears in the form of small but strong emotional upheavals. The reason for them may be a chance meeting with her husband, some events - for example, the first birthday without him, the first New Year without her husband.

The difficulties of experiencing the phase of residual phenomena after a divorce are also in the fact that, as a rule, there are quite a lot of reminders of a husband - mutual friends, relatives, the opportunity to talk on the phone at any time. On the one hand, these are heavy reminders of the loss, and on the other hand, the opportunity to gradually get used to a new relationship. Divorce is complicated by the fact that concentrating on the best qualities of a husband does not happen often and not soon.

Completion phase

It comes in about a year. Now, remembering the breakup, a woman is no longer experiencing grief, but sadness - a feeling of a completely different nature.

Time heals spiritual wounds. It develops a habit of coping with problems alone and joy if you succeed. Self-respect is restored. A year or two later, the need for new love arises again.

Psychological work is considered close to completion when you gain hope and the ability to plan for the future. Unexpectedly for yourself, you begin to look forward, and not look back, and you also realize that obsessive thoughts have stopped - you no longer expect to return your marriage, you understand that you can live a full life.

Pain is replaced by hope. It turns out that life after divorce really exists. Your future seems brighter through the prism of past suffering.

Tips for getting over a breakup easier

1.Leaving go!

Do not look for meetings with your ex-husband. Yes, I really want to tell him everything that you think about him, find out what he is like without you, and so on. But the fact is that the first time after parting, you simply cannot communicate with him without a flurry of emotions and mutual insults, which is fraught with scandals that will not bring anything good and will only add negative experiences.

2. Take action!

Try to immediately change the situation, start acting. For example, now no one will interfere with redevelopment the way you want it. You can even start a renovation. If, after a divorce, you moved to your parents, then immediately take care of establishing a comfortable life there. The main thing is not to "freeze" yourself, but to act.

3. Rough fun won't help

You should not try to survive a divorce by diving headlong into destructive entertainment. No noisy parties and nightclubs at first - it's better to wait a bit. At first glance, it seems that reckless fun will distract from thoughts about the past, from thoughts about divorce. Perhaps this will really help, but for a very short time, after which depression will cover with renewed vigor.

4. Urgent - to the beauty salon!

Take care of your appearance. Do it for yourself simply because you love yourself and may well indulge in pleasant beauty treatments. This will help to distract, in addition, the internal state and appearance are closely interconnected. Having lost shape, it will then be difficult to restore it. Then, in addition to the mental pain associated with a divorce, sadness about a blurry figure will also be added. But you will need an irresistible appearance when, having survived a divorce, you begin to look for a more worthy man.

5. In the same river - do not enter twice

Almost all women, shortly after a divorce, want to return their ex-husband, forgiving him everything. Do not give in to this desire - first, cool down a bit. Only if the persistent desire to return the ex-husband has not disappeared even six months after the divorce, you can try. If the intention to return it has disappeared, then parting for you is only for the good.

6. Wedge wedge - does not work!

In the first time after a divorce, try not to start novels. It is generally accepted that this is the best way out. However, the romance, started shortly after parting, is doomed to failure. Having started an affair with a man immediately after a divorce, you will subconsciously compare him with your former lover, find fault and make comments to him, get angry, look for shortcomings in a new partner and get nervous. This dooms any relationship to failure, and when parting, it will add another severe psychological trauma to you. Which will not only nullify attempts to adequately survive a divorce, but also aggravate the situation.

7. healing sleep

Healthy sleep helps with all diseases, including mental trauma. In the early days after a divorce, it is especially important to get enough sleep. The more sleep you get, the sooner you will regain your peace of mind after a breakup.

8. Alcohol is not allowed!

Never try to drown your grief in alcohol. Alcohol does not so much cheer up as it enhances the existing one. If you are depressed after a breakup, alcohol will make it worse. Even if it is able to cause a short-term feeling of euphoria, then all the problems will return along with a hangover, which will only aggravate the pain.

It has been proven that after a divorce, a woman is often threatened with a real opportunity to get drunk, so bypass alcohol three miles away. Do not destroy yourself and do not bring joy to your rival (in case the husband left you for his mistress, she will only be pleased with your problems).

9. Don't blame yourself

If you have children, then there is no need to blame yourself for the fact that they are left from the father - this is not your fault. Children now really need your attention, because divorce is the strongest stress for them too.

Summing up

Surviving a divorce is actually not as scary as it seems at first glance. You just need to pull yourself together and not indulge your weaknesses. You should not withdraw into yourself, sit back and bury yourself ahead of time, deciding that nothing good awaits you anymore.

In a few years, you will not even remember this parting, and it is possible that you will laugh at your own experiences. But in order to adequately survive a divorce, you have to work on yourself. What you will be in a few years, what place you will take in life, whether you will find another man for yourself - in many ways it depends solely on you.

Here is a comforting fact for those who are going through the first phases after a divorce: after a while, most women regret that they lost so much precious time in an unsuccessful union and did not file for divorce themselves.

Quote: “Happiness is good for the body, but only grief develops the abilities of the spirit”.

Marcel Proust

If parting became inevitable and both partners decided to take this step, then most likely the question will be: "How to live and what to do?". Separation is a concept familiar to everyone. Family psychologists say that a person subconsciously sees it as a loss. At the same time, experiencing this loss, a person goes through certain stages of parting.

The first is the denial of reality

The ex-lover cannot accept and believe that they broke up with him, and that this separation is final and irreparable. He is still making plans and firmly believes that the breakup is just a stupid mistake and sooner or later everything will be the same as before. He thinks that the second half will call and say that everything will be fine and they will be together again. The first stage can last from three to five weeks to one and a half years.

The second is anger at a loved one

The stages of experiencing parting are not complete without anger, because the realization that a loved one has betrayed and abandoned cannot but carry this negative feeling. Resentment gradually turns into aggression, and the ex-partner is accused of unwillingness to maintain a relationship. Angry manifestations are purely individual, so some skip the second stage and go straight to the third.

Third - bargaining and hope for the best

Trying to renew the past relationship, a person begins to bargain with himself or a former partner. For example, going through the stages, a man sets himself a certain time frame (interval), during which he will have a chance to reconcile and renew relations with his partner. By creating such a time frame, he is trying to cope with separation and get used to a new state - loneliness.

Fourth - depression and apathy

Awareness of one's helplessness, and with it depression, comes when a person realizes that it is pointless to deny separation and nothing can be corrected. Negative thoughts gradually lead to despair, depression, apathy, insomnia, sadness. All these conditions are a completely natural reaction of the body to stress. They can be especially acute in the fourth and second stages of separation in women.

Fifth - life from scratch

Life goes on, gradually a person forgets old grievances, meets new people, stops living in the past. A second wind opens, and with it new plans, strengths and hopes for a brighter future appear.

Family psychologists say that the process of experiencing separation can last either three months or three years, it all depends on the nervous system of a particular person.

Factors and causes

The stages of acceptance of a breakup depend on many reasons and factors. Perhaps the most difficult thing here is nostalgia: at any moment, no matter how happy a person is, he can again plunge into memories. And if some people experience these nostalgic moments simply and with a smile, then others are again enveloped in despair, anxiety, sadness, regret and even anger.

Dealing with a loved one is very difficult. Parting is unbearable because it makes changes to the already familiar, established way of life. A lot also depends on who initiated the separation: if the ex-partner suggested it, then a feeling of inferiority and humiliation of one's own dignity is added to it. Thoughts that a loved one has neglected and betrayed are knocked out of the usual life rut.

The most important thing is all 5 stages of separation, try not to linger in any of them for more than two to four weeks. It is very important to put an end to relationships, stop thinking about them, start a new happy life.

The faster a person releases his beloved, stops calling, writing, seeing him, the faster and less painfully the stage of separation will pass. You should not be afraid of a new life and new relationships, trying on the sad patterns of the past: having let go, sooner or later you will find much-desired relief and spiritual freedom.

If you can’t get out of depression, psychologists advise you to analyze the relationship, while it is important to remember not only the negative, but also the positive moments, as well as what led to the breakup. It is very important to draw conclusions and prevent the repetition of mistakes in the future.

The unwillingness of the former partner to maintain friendly relations indicates a strong resentment that does not allow him to behave differently. In this case, it is worth thinking about what went wrong in the relationship.

with a man

The stages of parting in women are more pronounced emotionality and length. There are cases when the representatives of the weaker sex were in a depressed state after separation for more than ten years.

Psychologists advise girls in a particularly difficult situation to put on the mask of a successful lady, get used to this image and try to experience as many positive emotions as possible, being strong and independent.

By acting on this principle and as if living a difficult life period for another person, you can not only restore your peace of mind, but also find a new partner who can heal all spiritual wounds.

Another important factor in happiness is self-praise and admiration. It is no secret that it is quite difficult to love yourself again, experiencing separation. Self-love is the item without which the fifth stage cannot pass.

Forgiveness and acceptance

A very important point in the second stage of parting in men is the forgiveness of a former lover and the realization that she also has the right to personal happiness and life with another person. During this period, you should avoid negative memories, discussions with friends, and especially calls and messages with unpleasant text and reproach.

In order to survive this difficult life stage, you need to mentally let go of your ex-partner. Do not be humiliated and do not try to return it. After all, even if he agrees to resume communication, he will most likely do it out of pity.

The longer the love union was, the harder it is to survive separation and go through all the stages of separation. Psychology in this case offers a lot of trainings that can help solve the problem and not withdraw into yourself. For example, separation is a chance to fulfill an old dream, an opportunity to change jobs, move, start a new life. With a break in relations, no matter how sad it may sound, there is more time that you can take visiting museums, fairs, cinemas, theaters, sign up for various sections and master classes. The main thing during this period is not to sit at home and not succumb to despair.

The longer the worse

Surviving breakups after a long relationship is always more difficult than breaking up fleeting romances. In such a situation, psychologists advise not to despair and look at the situation from a different angle. Separation is a chance to start life from scratch, to accomplish everything that was simply impossible to decide before. Failure in your personal life is to reach heights in your career and become a true professional. This is the time of travel and fulfillment of desires. An opportunity to make a childhood dream come true, dance, learn how to make beautiful soap or assemble aircraft models.

Experiencing a break with a loved one, the main thing is not to become discouraged and not allow obsessive thoughts about loneliness. After all, communication with relatives, friends and colleagues cannot make up for the warmth, understanding and security that was before. No matter how interesting a person may be with an interlocutor, in his soul he understands that there will no longer be such pleasure as when communicating with a loved one.

Breaking up with the woman you love

Men experience breakups more acutely than women. Yes, in everyday life, the strong half of humanity is distinguished by endurance, willpower and firmness of character. But when it comes to breaking up relationships, especially if it happens suddenly, without reason and at the initiative of a woman, emotions appear very sharply. It is especially difficult to survive separation emotionally dependent on the second half of men. After all, addiction, according to psychologists, does not appear from love for your other half, but from self-hatred and the desire to fill the void inside with compliments and pleasant words.

Usually men are stingy with emotions and prefer to keep everything to themselves, which is why when adrenaline in the blood goes off scale and rage tries to get out, it is likely that the stages after parting in men will be accompanied by:

• drinking alcohol in an attempt to numb the pain;
• playing sports, sometimes until the body is completely exhausted;
• promiscuous sexual relations (a person is approved at the expense of others);
• driving a car or motorcycle at high speed.

Family psychologists say that the stronger sex reacts more sharply to the negative that happens in relationships, and this is due to the fact that the male psyche in such a situation is more receptive than the female.

Self love

The stages for men and women are about the same. In this difficult period, the main thing is to fall in love again and learn to respect yourself, because as we treat ourselves, others treat us the same way.

Having fallen in love and accepted himself, a person will be able to live on and meet someone with whom he shares his feelings.

Only after a while you can understand that the break was a necessity and the new relationship is much stronger and more joyful than the previous ones.

In order to go through all the stages of parting as painlessly as possible, psychologists recommend:

• enjoy every moment and rush to fill every second of your life with meaning, interesting events and new people;
• separation is something that every person goes through, so sometimes it’s just worth gaining strength and being patient;
• stop looking for flaws in yourself and consider that someone is better and more worthy than you;
• in no case do not write, call or pursue a former lover;
• remove the data of the former or former from social networks and the phone book, do not follow his / her life and do not communicate with mutual acquaintances;
• not to be alone, to visit as many interesting places as possible;
• sign up for fitness, swimming pool or sports club;
• learn something new;
• make interesting acquaintances, do not refuse dates;
• devote as much time as possible to interesting and important things;
• change the image, buy new clothes, perfumes, cosmetics, accessories.

The above tips are not only very simple and practical, but also effective.

You can also find interesting tips on how to get through the stages of a breakup on numerous forums.

To solve this problem, users are advised to adopt the following techniques:

1. If the separation was initiated by the former, do everything so that he regrets that he left you.
2. If the relationship is going downhill, break up first/first with your spouse.
3. Be as confident as possible when meeting with mutual friends, they should not know that separation worries you.
4. Stop feeling like a victim.
5. Get involved in charity work.
6. Learn to paint or sculpt with clay.
7. Go through all the stages of separation as quickly as possible.
8. Find out the truth about your relationship from the outside, perhaps in the future this will help you build a happy union.
9. Change the scenery, start traveling.
10. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. This advice especially applies to the stronger sex, because it is known that the stages of parting in men are much more difficult than in women.
11. Draw conclusions and do not repeat your mistakes in the future.

It is important to remember that the views on relationships in men and women are very different. And therefore, only that union can successfully develop in which both partners pursue the same goal (for example, start a family) and are ready to listen to each other at any time and find a solution to the problem together.

No one can remain calm when they say "I no longer love" or "I love another." Worldly wisdom (“everything is for the better”, “you will have a hundred more of these”, “even Hollywood beauties are thrown”) seem to be nonsense - and I want only one thing: to wake up and understand that everything was in a stupid dream. But days, weeks go by, and you don’t wake up, which means that this is really happening to you. Troubles could be expected from anywhere: they could be fired from work, steal a mobile phone in a minibus, get nasty in line. But you could not expect that the closest person would cause pain. At this moment, you feel crushed, because you were not ready for betrayal. And it is not clear what to do next. Psychologists advise - to worry.

How to survive a breakup: childhood experience of loss

According to Freud and other supporters of the psychoanalytic concept, the situation of a break with a loved one always refers our unconscious to the first experience of abandonment - separation from the mother in early childhood. The circumstances could be very different: your mother went to work early or you were in the hospital and they didn’t let her in, or perhaps your parents were too strict. The result is the same - experiencing a break in personal relationships, a girl who experienced a lack of love in her childhood will think: "I guess I'm not worthy of love."

“When Denis told me that he was leaving, I was, of course, shocked,” says Inna (25). But at the same time, she seemed to understand, to justify him. After all, he is so successful, smart, handsome, and I? She graduated from a dubious institute and is far from being a beauty. Of course, I'm not a match for him. Psychologist of the Moscow psychological assistance service Vladimir Dmitriev I am sure that a small child who experienced a lack of parental love in childhood (and he always explained the inattention by the fact that he is not worthy), having matured, tries to earn it.

He believes that he must become better in order to be loved. “When I began to analyze our relationship, I realized that I was constantly trying to match Denis, I dreamed of pleasing him. I still didn’t fully understand why he chose me, so I tried to earn his love, ”Inna’s words confirm the theory.

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According to Vladimir Dmitriev, the “childish story” that a person carries in himself is very clearly manifested in the experience of a breakup: “Exploring it with a client, we return to the past and find a child living with a feeling of lack of love.”

How to survive a breakup with a guy: someone else's experience

It is not uncommon to hear from a person experiencing a breakup with a loved one that he feels this event as death (of his own, partner or relationship). These feelings have a psychological explanation - indeed, the experience of a breakup often goes through the same stages as the experience of loss. Usually experts distinguish five stages: shock and numbness, denial and withdrawal, recognition and pain, acceptance and rebirth, and in the final - life after the end of the grief experience. “As a rule, people who are at the third stage of experience turn to a psychologist,” says Vladimir Dmitriev. “They feel intense pain and grief that turns into anger. They are angry at themselves, at the departed partner, the injustice of the world. In the fourth stage, mental pain decreases. And parting takes on meaning, meaning in life, its place in the “personal history”. Then the experiencer begins to establish life in a new way, then new events happen and new people appear. While we are in great pain, it is impossible to analyze the situation. But when the pain lets go, it is important to remember that any event, even a very difficult one, can enrich our lives if we look at the incident from the right angle.

“Two years ago, my husband came home from work and said that he had fallen in love and could not help himself,” says Valeria (29). - When I found out that his new passion, born in 1990, experienced a powerful explosion of the most terrible feelings - anger, resentment, envy, jealousy, pity for myself and for our child. For a year I remembered my ex-husband only with curses, but now I am grateful to him - for a wonderful son and for meeting with an amazing man, which would not have taken place if my husband had not left me. Vladimir Dmitriev explains that during the rethinking of what happened, we create a personal story with our own hands. The same event, such as a breakup, can be perceived differently by different people: as part of a success story (“thank you for three years of happiness, for a child, for the opportunity to meet love”) or as part of a victim’s story (“I’m always abandoned”, "all men are the same"

How long does it take to get over a breakup

As a rule, it takes about a year to recover from a broken relationship. During this time, you need to live alone all the significant dates for the couple (anniversary of the first meeting, declarations of love). Vladimir Dmitriev believes that some aggravating circumstances of parting can increase the duration of the experience. If the familiar world collapses (for example, the spouses were together for a very long time or the woman found out about the man's double life), then the experience is stretched in time. But if both partners understand that the relationship has exhausted itself, openly talk about their feelings, thank each other and peacefully disperse, then the experience is relatively painless. This does not mean that an amicable, wise parting does not leave a trace in the human soul at all. Also, this does not mean that people who are able to part peacefully are robots without a heart. It’s just that a man and a woman in this case will experience bright sadness, and not exhausting pain, depriving them of strength and desire to live on.

“Most false gentleman men don’t want to initiate a breakup,” says Masha (26). - Instead of breaking up with an unloved girlfriend themselves, they do everything to make the relationship unbearable for the girl. So it was with me - Dima stopped paying attention to me, he came late, and I plucked up the courage and voiced his desire: "Let's part." There were no scandals, just sat down and discussed everything. It was important to talk about us with him, and not to rub personal problems with friends. It turned out to hear some words that were terribly insulting and painful, but very useful (I later realized this). In my opinion, I survived the breakup much faster than many of my friends.

"I'm ugly" and other feelings

Most girls (70%) blame themselves for what happened after the breakup. They ask the emptiness again and again: what did I do wrong? for what? what do i need to fix? did you have to behave/dress/have sex differently? After parting, a lot of energy is spent on analyzing their own behavior and giving themselves unsatisfactory marks.

“Now it’s even embarrassing to remember what I thought about myself after my husband left me,” shares Polina (28). - When self-flagellation went off scale (I got to the point that I considered one of the reasons for his departure to be the lack of smoothness of my legs), it was as if the brake light inside worked. Then I was able to stop and remember that even men left completely ideal women, actresses and photo models. It’s funny, but the thought made me feel better.”

Guilt always accompanies the experience of loss, whether it be death or the loss of a loved one. You need to remember that this is normal, and at the same time try to find at least anger or anger in your soul. After all, if you can already feel them, then the denouement is quite close. In the process of experiencing, you are faced with the fact that a variety of emotions live inside you, most of them are unsightly, but they are necessary in order to learn a lesson from what is happening, and therefore insure yourself against meeting the same rake.

Psychological advice: how to survive a breakup

What words do we hear from friends and relatives who are trying to support us? Of course, “don't worry”, “forget it”. By the way, this is the worst thing you can do. Psychologists recommend to worry.

“Whether the experience of a gap becomes a shackle that does not allow moving forward, or a treasure, largely depends on how we survive it,” says Vladimir Dmitriev. - Sometimes the pain due to the loss of trust (for example, in the case of betrayal) or broken hopes is so strong that you want to forget everything, just erase what happened from memory. But more often than not, we can’t get over a breakup precisely because we’re trying to forget it.” Well-meaning friends advise you to return gifts, change your hairstyle or start a new romance as soon as possible. And some of us listen to others, others to ourselves. The latter are correct.

“At first I wanted to throw away everything that reminds me of Oleg and even dyed my hair blonde,” says Irena (22). - I went through not myself with bleached hair for exactly one day and returned the natural color. Good thing I didn't delete the photos from my computer. It's part of my life! A few months later, she was able to remember our joint trips with a smile, and not with tears in her eyes. Vladimir Dmitriev explains that “survive” and “forget” are fundamentally different strategies. Forgetting interferes with experience. It's like trying to treat an illness with painkillers. Anesthesia can be useful only at the very beginning. Then it deprives you not so much of pain as of the opportunity to overcome the disease.

“I hate myself crying and have never allowed myself to cry, even in front of my friends. Probably, dad, who raised me strictly, like a boy, did his job, says Varya (23). - When the young man with whom we lived together for four years left me, she did not shed a tear. I was terribly ill, but I thought that crying was humiliating. At the fourth meeting with a psychologist, I finally began to cry and sobbed for half an hour. And then things got off the ground."

The process of experience is also interfered with by illusions. We deceive ourselves by saying: “Yes, I don’t need him, I’m not offended at all, I’ll go to a corporate party with another, let him see ...” Fantasies pass, they are replaced by one another, but real emotions exist, even if you want to forget about them. Don't let yourself experience them. The fact is that trapped feelings will still come out - in the form of depression or health problems. “Emotions are a huge force,” says Vladimir Dmitriev. “If we break contact with them, this force becomes uncontrollable and we have to “tame” it with the help of a psychologist.” 7 unhealthy ways to get over a breakup.

Psychotherapists like to ask clients: what happens if the leg of the table breaks? The correct answer is: if there is only one leg, it will cease to be a table. If there are many legs, it will remain the same. Therefore, the more important and beloved things, people in life, the higher the stability in any crisis situation, including during the experience of a break.

According to the Moscow psychological assistance service:

• People rarely make an appointment with a psychologist directly about a breakup (300 cases per 20,000 visits), but often, in the first minutes of the appointment, clients who have applied for depression or chronic fatigue begin to talk about the experience of separation.

• A few years ago, almost only women turned to the difficulties of experiencing parting, in recent years, more and more men are turning for professional help.

Alena Legostaeva
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