Feelings have no boundaries - neither age nor social status can stop love. So why is it so often possible to hear about young hearts inflamed with unearthly passion for each other, but it is not customary to talk about love in adulthood? Let, it is very different from what a person experiences in distant youth, but this does not negate all its charms.

Flaws

While the children live nearby, the woman does not feel lonely. When they enter adulthood and become independent, she is left alone with her thoughts, fears, desires. But the forgotten freedom returns to it, with which something must be done. You can, of course, devote yourself to your grandchildren, and then to your great-grandchildren, but what if you want to find a mate before it's too late?

The circle of potential partners at this age is small- this is the main disadvantage. All peers are most likely either married or not of any interest. There are two exits. Or agree to a relationship with a man who is older, and this essentially turns out to become a nurse near the bed of an elderly husband. The second option is to expand the circle of acquaintances. Here, all means are good: dating sites, word of mouth, an active social life. If you still want to enjoy love, do not neglect any chance to meet it anywhere.

The second disadvantage is it is difficult to come to terms with the fact that there will never be that intensity of passions that was in youth. Passion in youth replaces love, but how it burns the eyes, how the head spins. All the disadvantages of a partner are simply not noticed: hormones allow you to close your eyes to a lot. In maturity, the look is too critical and will not allow you to plunge into the novel with ease and recklessness.

Advantages

The most important plus of love in adulthood is wisdom. Disappointments are unlikely, because, despite the fact that all the shortcomings are visible to the naked eye, you are able to accept your loved one with all the problems, because over the years comes tolerance for a lot and the ability to forgive.

Well, the most important advantage: life can still be started again, taking into account all their mistakes. If you take care of your health, the period of activity will last for a very long time, which means that together with your new spouse you will discover a lot of things that you did not know about before. New acquaintances, pleasant communication, dates - you can’t give up on yourself or devote yourself to serving something, it’s time to remember yourself.

Our grandparents, our parents, and partly ourselves, grew up in an environment where love in adulthood was condemned by society. Therefore, older people either diligently suppressed feelings in themselves, or hid them.

Hence unhappy families with spouses who do not love each other, who do not divorce in order to avoid the condemnation of society. It didn't make anyone happier. Neither the grandparents themselves, nor their grandchildren and children. So where did the taboo on relationships in adulthood come from in our society and how should it be?

Causes of negative attitudes towards love of older people

This is how it happened historically. Some 100 years ago, a 40-year-old man was considered a decrepit old man. Considering the level of medicine of that time, there were reasons for this. In the 19th century, the average life expectancy in most countries that we consider today economically advanced was less than 40 years. And in the 18th century - 25-33 years. It is not surprising that our grandmothers considered love in old age an senile eccentricity. After all, their parents and grandfathers by the age of 50-60 were decrepit old people, and more often they simply did not live up to this age.

The legends about the heroic health of that generation are based on delusions, i.e. misinterpretation of facts. The old-timers were really healthy. The reason for this is natural selection. Everyone who had the disease died early, because there was no adequate treatment. And there were very few healthy old people.

There is in this respect the youth and the share of arrogance, and a touch of selfishness. There is not only truth. Of course, everything is individual. Each person has his own inner age. Someone retires early, and someone retains the ability to love a woman / man until old age.

Love in adulthood: what the experts say

Children grow up and parents often find themselves alone. Rare communication and activities with grandchildren do not save. A typical story: a lady of pre-retirement age went to the doctor with complaints of poor health: weakness, depression, low blood pressure and headache. The doctor recommended falling in love and having an affair. Yes, it's a novel. This is where the stupor occurs.

People in love feel happy, and happiness does not have depression. Of course, not all diseases can be cured by love. But in some cases it helps. Helped and our heroine. The way of life has changed. The state of health has changed.

If earlier she came home from work tired and tried to force herself to do household chores, now and then putting off work and sitting down to rest. Now, at the end of the working day, she ran to the salon to get a new haircut, styling, and manicure. In a hurry, she ran into the store to buy herself a new bright blouse. And at home, household chores were carried out quickly and energetically. What could not be done before a date, without any regrets, was postponed until later. Trying on a new blouse at the mirror, she casually threw back things that had suddenly fallen out of the closet and was not in the least embarrassed by the slight disorder at home. Of course, with this lifestyle, the pressure returned to normal, depression and headaches disappeared.

This story has a scientific explanation.

People in love produce a large amount of endorphins in the body. They are often referred to as “pleasure hormones.” These are compounds that are very similar in their action to narcotic substances. Therefore, there is no better remedy for depression than love. Especially mature love, devoid of youthful passions, an excess of illusions and, as a result, disappointments.

However, love at an older age is also not always rosy. Experienced people also make mistakes, suffer, are disappointed, but less often, and they endure it much more calmly.

How is love in old age different from youthful feelings

Studies show that people who enter relationships at maturity are much less likely to get divorced.

The strength of these alliances can be explained by experience, which allows you to choose the right partner, and wisdom, which makes it possible to avoid quarrels.

The motivation to have a loved one is important. The ability to lend a shoulder in difficult times. In addition, relationships in adulthood are usually devoid of psychological games and rivalry, which most often destroy today's young families.

Is love always cloudless at an older age?

Despite many obvious advantages, a mature couple also has weaknesses.

Often love in adulthood is more experience than feelings

Rooted views on the world, experience, previous grievances and fears associated with former partners, stereotypes and the idea of ​​“how it should be”, among partners in a mature couple, can inevitably bring the flared romance to “no”.

Adults, for all their wisdom, are not very flexible. They usually have children from previous marriages. Not only small, but also adult daughters and sons always have a hard time enduring the fact that a father or mother has a new family.

Even in American realities, the love of older people often breaks into pieces due to the inability to combine 2 different families into 1. And in Russian conditions, financial problems are mixed with psychological problems. Parents who met their man in his declining years and fell in love with him painfully make a choice between a new family and the previous one. The need for choice is more often given to a man:

• If he takes care of the children of his beloved, then he often does not have enough time and resources for his own.
• If he gives preference to his own children, then problems arise in the new family, since it is impossible to live together and not share the hardships with each other.

Such relationships often break down, not standing the test. Moreover, a man who is "torn" into 2 parts usually understands that the children of his beloved will never perceive him in the same way as his own. So, in this dilemma, he will give up the right to love.

In such a situation it is difficult to give advice. Because everyone has to make their own choice. But more often than not, people who were able to keep love choose relationships without marriage and a common home. It's sad, but even adult and self-sufficient couples are not always free to choose.

An elderly couple in love walks along the alley in an embrace. To some it seems touching to tears, to some it’s funny, and someone may be indignant at all: “The shame has already been lost in old age! Can’t they have mercy at home?” And the couple does not care about onlookers - they only see each other.

Does it exist at all - ardent and passionate love in adulthood?

When love is only "window dressing" for relatives

Some couples live together for long decades just because it is convenient for others. Marriage in the old fashioned way: it seems to be too late to get a divorce, and it’s a shame, because you had to live first for the children, then for the sake of the grandchildren.

But in life, both were not up to love - only patience saved. Somewhere out there, over the decades, there may have been some ardent feelings, but then everything turned into a “bad habit”:

The husband drank and went on a spree, and the wife ran to the authorities of her unbeliever, so that he would be reined in, punished with a ruble, and scolded at the meeting.

The husband himself was tired of the eternal claims and tantrums of the “old saw”, so he ran around the young and washed down the problems of the “little white”.

Both lived as neighbors in a communal apartment. No common interests and mutual understanding. Even sex was rare.

But divorce was out of the question. For any reason, all relatives gathered, hissed and shook their fists:

What did you think! Imagine what a shame it is for all of us, a stain on our reputation, a stigma for life! How can children survive this? Do not fool around, live at least for the sake of the children!

And so the two poor fellows had to put on a mask of happiness during the day and lie to everyone about their love: children, neighbors, colleagues. And at night it was unbearable: the husband breathes fumes, and his wife “nags” with the tedious tone of a mosquito.

So they lived to old age as strangers, forgetting about tenderness, passion and sex. Was there love? Well, there was once - the children were born. Does she exist now? Hmm, what is love? We do not remember - senile sclerosis apparently.

But since they have taken an oath to all relatives to keep the brand, they keep it: children come to the wedding anniversary with their families, sit next to their parents and shout to them: “Bitter!”. But it all feels like a badly rehearsed play. Children are leaving, everything is falling into place.

It is these unfortunate ones who grumble in the wake of an elderly couple walking in an embrace: “The shame has already been lost in old age!” They do not understand what love is, and that she does not count the years. All these decades were useless, because there was no passion and family happiness. There was prosperity, there was the appearance of a family, but there was no love.

When love is real, despite the number of years in marriage

It often happens without showing off - just monogamous, just love for life with the remnants of passion even in old age. Yes, there was everything in life: quarrels, resentments, and even partings, but the spouses always understood that it was impossible for them to live without each other.

But nevertheless, it doesn’t even occur to them to sleep separately. Full sex is replaced by mutual caresses, stroking, kisses. But if the old man is still cheerful as a man, then, of course, everything happens in bed, although not as often as it was in his youth.

New adult romance

The younger generation sometimes develops a strong belief: if a lonely person has already reached maturity, then this means that he has already lived for himself, that is, specifically, he is elderly. Let her now bring up her grandchildren and not think about any love.

But what happens in the end: those for whom he lived, in the end, begin to be burdened by his decrepitude and weakness. The younger generation does not understand the problems of the elderly, their complaints and illnesses. But if it were not for the native people who were ashamed of the desire to marry or marry in old age, everything would be easier.

People in love live longer. In addition, love is generally capable of doing incredible things - helping each other in old age, both men and women have new strength and good spirits, just because you need to live for your loved one!

There is nothing worse than chilling loneliness. Therefore, such novels should not be stopped, but pushed to them. This is not shamelessness and shame, because most often full sex is out of the question. And in general - who would get into the head to climb into the bed of old people to find out what they are doing there.

Here is another:

Intimate conversations. Such a long life has been lived with its failures and joys that you want to endlessly talk about it to your loved one. Precisely to the one who can understand the whole "confession" from the height of his life experience and wisdom.

Kindred of souls. It is in these intimate conversations that the understanding comes: “Here is the person I have been looking for all my life!”. It just so happened that fate presented "the wrong ones": somewhere in stupid youth, somewhere stepping on a rake. And here is a surprise for old age.

Common interests and outlook on life. This is the reason why it is already difficult to live apart - you want to run a common household, to be close, to do a common interesting business. And most importantly, loneliness is no longer afraid, because it simply does not exist.

This is the age when alcohol already seems strong, it’s cold without a hat, it’s uncomfortable in high heels, it’s light sleep, and in general it’s better at home than at a party. Therefore, one should never blame lovers in old age - they are alien to extreme passions, they are just calm together.

By the way, so that you can fully understand what the old “newlyweds” want, then watch a fragment of the old film “Such a guy lives”. There, the characters talk about the future matchmaking of grandfather Kondrat and present a “picture of the future”: his probable life with his elderly wife.

Here is the video:

Second youth from love

In old age, you always really want to return to your former youth: to misbehave, flirt, play in love. So advanced old single men do not sit in the gardens and do not knit socks. They sit on dating sites, attend events and go to clubs of interest to find their soul mate.

It is then when love comes, a second wind appears, eyes burn with happiness, and a blush appears on the cheeks. Therefore, it is not necessary to throw stones at a passing loving couple of elderly people who are embracing, it is better to throw a look full of admiration and tenderness in their direction. They're happy!

But no matter how it seems, at different ages, feelings differ from each other. In adolescence, everything seems much brighter and simpler. They do not care about petty everyday problems, and what others will say. You love your soul mate only because she is with you, and this proves a lot, as it seems at that moment. A person is loved not for something, but simply because he is there. To a greater extent, at this age, they choose according to their appearance, material status, and popularity. After all, many young people meet only for ostentatious significance, and to give a certain authority.

Love at a more mature age is not so cloudless. Not for nothing there is such a proverb "You need to marry in youth." This suggests that at a young age, feelings are much freer and not boxed in. In adulthood, the realization comes that just loving is not enough, the main components of a reliable relationship are needed: trust, respect, understanding, the ability to compromise, support, these feelings are as important as love itself. Maybe that's why, when they become adults, it is much more difficult to find a mate. Since they are guided not only by feeling, but also by attitude, attention. This is checked very simply, help in difficult times, indicates a desire to support in a difficult situation, lend a shoulder, and be a reliable support. During illness, protect from all adversity. Financial support, the desire to give all the best to your soulmate. All these proofs of love are valid in adulthood only when they are collected into a single whole. Love for a person without the main components is possible, but only it is not enough for a long time, and it quickly passes when you encounter life's difficulties, problems quickly sober up and make you see clearly.

A man who loves a woman with a child bears double responsibility. Since he must protect not only the woman he loves, but also the child. A woman with a child, when choosing a chosen one, motivates her choice with a general attitude. Since they are one with the child, and the man must understand that the mother will not go against the will and well-being of her child. Whatever is good for the child will be good for the mother. Under no circumstances should you impose yourself. It is necessary to gain trust, to achieve understanding. If the child sees that his mother is respected, loved, then he will reach out to you. Otherwise, you will never be able to achieve a positive result. Children feel everything on a subconscious level, it is impossible to deceive them.

It's stupid to think that love happens only at a young age. Stronger and more reliable feelings arise at a later age. They go through a kind of "selection" for the components listed above. If such a person is found, this love will last forever, unlike youthful love. Therefore, do not hesitate to show feelings at any age, but do not forget about your loved ones, children, parents. They need to know that you are happy, that you are well. May they rejoice with you.

1.4 Interpersonal relationships in adulthood

Freud believed that the well-being of a person in adulthood is determined by his ability to love and work. Most psychologists use different terms in their definitions, but the meaning of the latter remains unchanged.

E. Erickson laid the foundations for modern research in adult psychology. The central psychological moment in early maturity (25 - 35) years is the establishment of intimacy, close personal ties with another person.

If a person has failed in intimate communication, then he may develop a sense of isolation, a feeling that he can rely on no one in the world but himself.

Erickson uses the term "intimacy" as being multi-faceted in meaning and scope. First of all, he refers to intimacy as the intimate feeling we have for spouses, friends, siblings, or other relatives. However, he also speaks of intimacy itself, that is, the ability to “merge your identity with the identity of another person without fear that you lose something in yourself” (20).

The development of an adult can be described in terms of three distinct systems that relate to different aspects of the self. These include the development of the personal self, the self as a family member (adult, child, spouse or parent), and the self as a worker.

These systems undergo changes both under the influence of various events and circumstances, and in interaction with the wider social environment and culture.

Development is a dynamic, bidirectional process that includes as interacting elements the individual's immediate environment, the social environment, and the values, laws, and traditions of the culture in which the individual lives.

All of these interactions—and the personal changes that result from them—continue throughout life.

Conclusions: 1. Erickson believed that the development of intimacy is the most important achievement of early adulthood.

2. Failure to establish calm and trusting personal relationships leads to feelings of loneliness, social vacuum and isolation.

3. In order to be in a truly intimate relationship with another person, it is necessary that by this time the individual had a certain consciousness of what he is.

4. Intimacy is an integral part of a stable, fulfilling emotional connection and is the foundation of love.

1.5 Love

The sexual attraction of a person as a biological being is determined by the instinct of procreation and the natural mechanism of sexual selection.

Modern research shows that nature has laid in man an attraction to a very specific type of individuals of the opposite sex. And this predetermination operates at the gene level. In other words, a person chooses a genetically suitable partner, or scientifically - genetically complementary.

Modern research allows us to hypothesize that the first stage of love is facilitated by the appearance in the body of special molecules, which are called PEA. The impact of this substance changes the mood and attitude of a person, contributes to the idealization of the object of a love relationship. Under the conditions of action of PEA, the smell of a loved one, the sound of his voice, and touch are enough to make a person feel the strongest excitement, experience pleasure. At the same time, communication with a loved one contributes to the production of this substance in the body. Therefore, when lovers for a long time do not have the opportunity to see each other, talk to each other, the amount of PEA in the body decreases, and this leads to negative experiences, a feeling of deep loss. This is why lovers, like drug addicts, crave the conditions conducive to the production of PEA, and this is also the condition of a love relationship. Here, too, nature has laid down a universal mechanism - something that the cell reacts to, enters into its metabolism.

However, as the researchers note, the body adapts to the action of PEA. And in order to keep love feelings, stronger doses of PEA are required each time. This can be achieved by improving the technique of relations. But eventually there is a limit. PEA expires after two to four years. This is a critical period in a love relationship. Romantic love does not last long, but this period is enough for people in love to give birth to a child. The action of PEA is enough for the child to survive the most difficult and difficult period of his development. It is interesting to note that, according to statistics, a three-four-year period of living together ends with the first wave of divorces.

PEA is replaced by other hormones - serotonin and endorphin. Their action is much milder than PEA, but just as favorable for love relationships. Endorphin softens the perception of negative situations, contributes to the formation of stable positive emotional states, reduces pain, has a beneficial effect on the immune system, and promotes sexual relations. Unfortunately, like PEA, endorphin breaks down in a relatively short amount of time. And for a new positive excitement, the brain requires new doses of endorphins, which are produced in the process of spiritual and physical relationships between lovers. The need for serotonin and endophrine is a natural stimulus for renewed love relationships.

Thus, nature has laid a predisposition in the attraction of a man to a woman, which often manifests itself in an irresistible passion. It can be argued with a certain measure of confidence that lovers are created for each other by nature.

In the development of love of one person for another, a certain periodization is observed. This process has become the subject of analysis by poets and writers. A curious description of love and its development, gives Stendhal. He distinguishes four kinds of love: love-passion, love-attraction, physical love, love-vanity and represents the genesis of love as follows: admiration; pleasure; hope; birth; first crystallization; doubt; second crystallization.

The first stage - admiration for a person of the opposite sex is difficult to describe accurately. “Love is like a fever, it is born and withers away without the slightest participation of the will” (16, p. 21). It can only be noted that the state of admiration depends on the general state in which the person is, on his previous experience and on the behavior of the object of admiration. Love is born when a person begins to imagine the possible pleasures that he could receive from the object of admiration. Already at this stage, the idealization of the object of admiration is outlined and, perhaps, the formation of the hope that the object of admiration will reciprocate. The combination of admiration with the idea of ​​possible pleasure and a possible reciprocal feeling gives rise to love.

The idea of ​​possible pleasure turns into pleasure when a person sees, touches, feels with all the senses and as close as possible the being that he loves and that loves him (16, p. 14). In this state, active idealization of the object of love begins (primary crystallization). The object of love is endowed with various virtues.

If at this stage intimacy sets in, the process of idealizing a partner may stop or stop for a while, but new joys of love and new qualities appear in a loved one. If the object of admiration does not reciprocate, then a period of doubt sets in. A person may make an attempt to give up the object of admiration, but in doing so may find that other joys of life have disappeared. There comes a period of second idealization, combined with the desire to convince oneself, to prove that the object of admiration reciprocates. Each woman differs not only in external beauty, the beauty of the body, but also in character traits. This is the answer to the question: “Why does a man choose not the most beautiful?” He chooses according to his character, he is looking for her soul in a woman.

Comprehending in love the beauty of not only the body, but also the soul, a person becomes spiritual. In love, each gives himself to another and through this is revealed in all his might, in all his spiritual strength. In love, a person expresses his moral content. The moral law demands that oneself be forgotten in the other. Love gives itself to another. Love is the most intimate point of connection between nature and reason (21).

In the sacrifice of love, the source of the birth of tenderness, feelings and relationships. Love is nature and reason in their original union, i.e. natural attraction and reason, attraction and morality. It can be said that only where there is a disposition towards morality, natural attraction manifests itself in the form of love.

Love transforms not only the image of the beloved, but also the lover himself. Here we again recall Plato, who wrote that everyone whom Eros touches becomes braver, fairer, more skillful.

Conclusions: 1. Love develops on the basis of biological prerequisites, rising to spiritual heights, when it spiritualizes a person's behavior, changes him, enhances his abilities, promotes creative achievements.

2. The development of love depends on the state and experience.

3. The development of love is accompanied by the active work of the mind and imagination.

4. Love contributes to the emergence of virtue, spiritualizes a person.

5. Love is "an expression of intimacy between two people, provided that the integrity of both is maintained."

2.1 Family cycle

Families have a predictable life cycle characterized by a series of important events or stages. The first event in this cycle is the formation of the parental family. Separation from the family of parents can occur at the time of marriage or earlier if a person has made a choice in favor of independence - he decided to live alone or with some group of people. The second important event is, as a rule, marriage, with all the adaptation nuances that accompany it: establishing relationships with a new person and new relatives.

The most typical third event is the birth of the first child and the beginning of the period of parenthood. This event is sometimes referred to as the formation of one's own family, or the transition to parenthood. There are other important events in the life cycle of a family: the first child enters school, the last child is born, the last child leaves the family, and the death of a spouse. In an extended family that also includes close relatives, several of these cycles can interact, ensuring the repetition of the event and thereby reducing the adaptive difficulties of each of the family members.

Over the past 50–100 years, family cycles have changed both in the temporal structure of their events and in their nature. Not only did people live longer than ever before, but the age at which they reached various degrees of the family cycle and the average time between the onset of various events in family life changed. Thus, the period of time between the departure of the last child from home and the retirement of the parents or their death is increasing, and the duration of this post-parental period is steadily continuing.

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