What to do if the husband says that he loves another woman. What if the husband loves another, but lives with me? Lives with me and loves the ex

Good afternoon. I read your answers to the questions and realized that here they carefully understand the situation and give, indeed, the necessary advice, and do not dismiss people with standards.
My situation may seem crazy to someone, and easy or difficult to someone. But I got confused.
After my divorce from my husband, I met a nice guy. We just talked for a couple of months and then we started dating. He is 10 years younger than me. Although I don’t look my age either - at most 20-23, sorry, but I often behave accordingly.
We met for 2 months, after which he came and in a roundabout way tried to leave. He said he didn't love me, but he cares about me. The next day he came to reconcile.
After another 2 months, he came to meet after work. But I had to work late. Before that, he disappeared for 2 days. Came with a friend and a guilty face. He just stood for half an hour, after which he kissed him on the cheek and left. I realized that he made up his mind. For a week she roared like a beluga. She ran around the apartment, not understanding what was happening. I felt like the world had gone crazy. I could not work, I could not communicate with people. Oddly enough, it was his friends who actively pulled me out of this state.
He returned a week later. We talked about mistakes, about the fact that he does not love me. That I'm at work all the time. We're separated. And yet we decided to try again.
It's been almost 4 months now and everything seems to be going well. But periodically there are conversations that it is better for both of us to leave. That I will feel bad, but it will pass. And the sooner the better. But I can't let him go. I love him very much. Ready for everything for him. But what can be done to change his attitude? Lead initially he thought that this is it, the very thing. What happened?
At the same time, he is furious with everyone when I do something wrong from his point of view. In the sense that I will hurt myself. I stopped telling him about what was going on with me, only in general terms and only good things. He just gets really mad when he can't help me. And because of his age, he really cannot help in any way, except for moral support. But he does not give it - he does not know how and is not used to it.
If he didn't care about me, and he would just use me, there would not even be a question - we would break up. But I see that he is not all early. That he is very worried and worried about me.
I'm completely confused. I don't want to lose him, but I don't know what to do. He is with me, but does not love, or thinks that he does not love.
I don't understand anything. I want to cry from helplessness.
I really hope that your answer will help me at least clarify something.
Thank you very much in advance.

Tatyana, St. Petersburg, 30 years old

Answer:

psychologist, specialization: gender psychology

Hello Tatiana.

The problem seems to be that he doesn't feel like a man enough around you. Here, look carefully: in case of your troubles, he cannot help you (although no one has canceled the effect of moral support), but now it is important for him to be a man! And that means 1) making money; 2) be able to solve problems, not just talk about them; 3) to have the right to show some kind of power, or at least initiative. And in fact, what we have: 1) it is unlikely that he can oppose his earnings to yours; 2) due to the lack of proper life experience, he cannot effectively help you solve your problems, and apparently considers moral support the lot of "snotty children"; 3) and by virtue of all this, he understands well that he has no right to put any conditions on you and demand something from you. Because he has a feeling, apparently, that he seriously has nothing to offer you as a woman. And as a result, we have a picture: a man does not see for himself the opportunity to "steer" this ship of relationships. And as a result, he feels hurt. And he finds one way to equalize the situation - to declare that he does not love you. And thereby reveal your weakness and at least in some way feel power and strength over you. What can be done. I think, just to convey to him all this. Explain that for you the adulthood of a man is the ability to give moral support. What matters to you is not how much he earns, but how much he is able to take care of you (do something around the house, or maybe help physically in some kind of hard work). And then encourage his initiative in business. In general, by any means (but unobtrusively) let him know that he is the helmsman of the relationship ship. It is even possible to come up with some situations in which he could prove himself as a man, and then voice his joy at how reliable, strong he is, etc. There is a chance, but in this matter you will have to be patient and delicate, and less show your extreme interest in it. After all, he, too, must have a field for conquest.

Sincerely, Nesvitsky Anton Mikhailovich.

He lives with me, but loves another!

“Husband loves another, but lives with me” - often on the forums you can find such a heading in which a woman asks for help with advice in a similar situation.

And how sharply sometimes we can think or speak out about this, not assuming that this can happen to everyone.

But in fact, such a development of events baffles every woman. What to do if a loved one has another?

Assessment of the situation

What should be taken away from what happened is that this is not just a betrayal in order to diversify the routine life if a man fell in love with another woman.

That is why the lawful wife should be especially careful in this case.

First of all, it is necessary to try with different eyes to consider everything that happened, to identify possible causes.

Why doesn't he leave?

What to do if the husband said that he loves another, but at the same time he is not going to leave at all?

It is worth considering the reasons why a man is usually not going to leave his family, in more detail:

1. Children. If they are still small, then, of course, he will want to participate in their upbringing. But if they are big, then he may just want to avoid condemnation, remaining in their eyes the same exemplary father.

2. Relatives. Women often claim that their family is considered exemplary and if it breaks up, then “what will the relatives say?”. Husbands think the same, fearing that they will be turned away from them, standing up for the protection of their lawful wife, as the most affected party.

3. Convenience of life. As cynical as it may sound, it is true. At home, life is established, dinner is cooked, his wife takes care of him: ironing shirts, cleaning, washing linen. And at the same time, the husband loves another, with her he rests from work and routine. Often it is this state of affairs that a man is completely satisfied with. Is your wife ready to deal with this? Only she can answer this question.

4. Material wealth. The fear of losing what has been acquired also drives men. Either he or his wife can support the family. And if everything is clear with the second case, then, you ask, why should a man be afraid for his wealth in the first case? But after all, with a divorce, he will have to part with a lot. And it happens a lot.

5. Passion is not serious . Despite the confession to his wife of love for another woman, it may happen that on a subconscious level a man understands that his passion is not serious, and falling in love will soon pass. In this case, he does not want to lose his family, assuming to break the connection soon.

How to get your husband back?

If you have the strength to forgive and accept, then you should endure and try to take various ways to return a man to the family.

At the same time, it is important to avoid quarrels, setting ultimatums, threats, demands to immediately abandon the homeowner, said in a categorical tone.

Recall the immortal painting "Love and Doves", in which a similar classic triangle is considered. What attracted a married man in his mistress first of all?

Unusual character, beauty, intelligence, and precisely the dissimilarity of that other woman to a wife who is not only simple, but has also been thoroughly studied over the years of living together.

However, every man appreciates his own, native family, which means that he will return.

To this we can add statistics figures, according to which 90% of husbands again return to their legal and native wife.

But in this situation, it is you who should decide what is supposed to be done - to save the family or let the husband go.

The fact that only a woman solves such issues is said not only by eminent psychologists, but also by life experience.

Assessing your chances

“He loves another” - these words do not just sound bitter, but also usually cause disappointing damage to women's pride.

Self-esteem in many cases falls sharply and hands drop by themselves. After all, in addition to work and home, the wife is responsible for taking care of the children and the husband himself, in many cases there is not enough time for herself.

But if there is still love and it is complemented by the desire to return the husband to the family, then the changes must begin with yourself.

What should be changed?

· Appearance . Cardinally. It is worth trying on a new image, dyeing your hair in a new shade, losing weight. First, of course, you need to consult with a hair stylist, or try to independently evaluate whether a new style suits you. The main rule is that in an attempt to look good, do not become too ridiculous. If a woman is aged, then it is better to emphasize elegance with outfits, appropriate care and haircut. Such an image will be luxurious. And it is better for young girls to change their style, take better care of themselves.

· Character . Yes, it is worth changing! But “breaking” oneself through force and towards accepting the situation as it is is by no means possible! On the contrary, you need to appear strong-willed, try to remove the notes of hysteria and scandalism, if any, to be more balanced.

· Find a hobby . It will allow you to take a break from the situation for a long time. Believe me, in a difficult situation, after infidelity, and even being practically on the verge of a divorce, a woman simply needs an outlet. As an activity, you can choose whatever you like. Scrapbooking, origami, embroidery, sand painting and more. Focusing on creating them, distracting from the situation, you can soon feel full of energy and rested. It is very important.

· Engage in self-development . Sign up for dances, read, go to trainings, learn languages - do everything that you once could not do due to lack of time. Reduce household worries to the maximum, and spend the freed time on yourself, walking with children, having fun with them, and taking care of yourself. Let your husband know in this way that you can all manage without him together. In addition, a long absence of a wife's home can cause jealousy even in a man who considers himself in love with another woman. After all, how can it be that his wife could please anyone else?

· The last fact follows from the previous one.Get yourself a fan . If this is unacceptable for you, then just dress in a way that other men like. Jealousy, it is worth repeating, is considered one of the most reliable ways to return the interest of a husband. He will soon be able to completely forget about the other woman, again and again trying to win his wife.

Believe me, all beneficial changes will become noticeable not only to you, and your efforts will not be in vain.

Having felt the whole taste of life and again becoming fragrant, smiling, you will again become the woman that your husband once fell in love with.

In addition to this, surround him with care, but not too visible. Cook delicious meals, give him unobtrusive and, most importantly, sincere compliments.

Finally, let him feel like a man. Not only women are able to "love with their ears."

Feeling his need, indispensability, realizing that he is needed here more than in another, alien family, he will soon be able to understand that feelings for another woman were only a momentary hobby.

Can't be pardoned

If the husband loves another, but does not leave, then for the wife such a situation is several times more painful.

Firstly, serious torment begins, the search for reasons, and secondly, the woman is in constant stress that the man is about to get bored and leave her.

It can be difficult to accept betrayal, but such a development of events in which the husband does not make the final choice is much more difficult.

In this case, the wife will know about the other woman and morally will have to accept her. Most often, this is tolerated for the sake of children, prosperity, or simply fear of condemnation of relatives.

But if there is no more love and you don’t want to accept the humiliating development of events, then there is only one way out - to quit without looking back at the opinions of strangers.

Such a decision should be made if you only want freedom, there is no desire to endure the situation, betrayal, the attitude of a man.

Decide everything yourself, pack your bags and put the unfaithful hubby out the door. Take care of yourself and your happiness will soon find you.

The main thing is not to get hung up on experiences for a long time. As soon as you say goodbye to the past, new events will already be ready to enter your life, filling it with new meaning.

PS: So, to summarize the actions,

aimed at a favorable result:

The first step is conversation. And serious, detailed, and not so gentle and affectionate, creating the illusion that nothing happened. Build the conversation so that it does not "float" beyond the bounds of politeness and tact. Do not allow scandalous tones, obscene expressions, insults and reproaches. Indulge yourself in something like this - a conversation to "set your sights" on failure and failure.

The second act is clever trick. With the help of such a “weapon”, try to find out from him carefully what attracted your husband to another woman, why he has cooled off towards you. Avoid in matters of rudeness and excessive perseverance! This is a hindrance to your further frank conversation.

The third act is an attempt to become better than you are now. No one doubted and does not doubt that you are the best. But even ideality should sometimes be given at least a little "adjustment". You can imagine that this step is a kind of decoration of your personality and your inner world.

Hello dear readers! In a fit of anger, we can say very hurtful words to a loved one, just to hurt him. The most unpleasant thing is that after this bastion is taken, the phrase is uttered, it ceases to be scary and begins to periodically pop up in conversations further. We are adjusting and preparing ourselves for what now seems inevitable.

If your wife says she doesn't love, it means she needs a change. What exactly, how should a man behave, why is she still not leaving and getting divorced, but continues to repeat these offensive words?

Doesn't she understand that the phrase hurts a lot? I will try to answer all these questions in this article, and also give a guide to action, which you should definitely pay attention to.

Think about yourself

No one wants to hear the phrase that they do not like him. Try at least for a while to move away from this information and think about yourself and your relationship with a woman.

Reject the fear of parting, forget for a while that she can leave, pull yourself together and. In general, throw out the image of a particular woman from your thoughts for a while. You are most likely not worried about her. It's just an illusion.

We get used to a certain course of events that make up our lives. Naturally, since life goes on with a specific person, then most of the traditions are associated with him. The sooner you realize that there will be no “as before” anyway, the more benefits you will get in the end.

Suppose that if, despite dislike, the wife does not want to file for divorce, then there are still feelings, although for now this should not matter to you. The phrase itself says that a woman can no longer continue to live the way you did before. The girl can't handle it emotionally. It seems to her that she invests a lot in this relationship, but does not see a response from you.

For her, by and large, it’s not so important whether you break up or not, the main thing is that everything changes, however, your wife cannot make a clear decision. Are you ready to help her cope with an unpleasant moment and once again solve problems? Do you want to move forward in the direction she sets? Do you really need this family?

In the head of every man, the prevailing thoughts will now be: “She does not love me, but why does she continue to live with me”? You focus on a woman, but pay attention to the wrong details, do not move further.

Most likely, the wife has told you before that she does not like certain moments in her life together. You may have overlooked this information. Now is the time to remember everything and think about whether everything suits you specifically. What do you want and what are you striving for?

It does not happen that one in a couple is fine, and the other is uncomfortable.

Straight Talk

If you don’t understand for the life of you what specifically doesn’t suit your spouse, it’s best to ask her.

I think she will make a lot of claims. Do not swear, argue, shout, etc. It won't lead to anything. She didn’t think for a day about what she didn’t like, she already tried to cope with everything herself. It didn't work out. You will not be able to say something new that will affect your spouse and turn her world upside down.

In order to establish relationships, you need to delve into the information. If you do not accept it, then this is another reason to think about whether such a relationship is needed at all. Moreover, if nothing changes, and the wife continues to think about problems, sooner or later she will still file for divorce or leave, no matter how much she wants to.

Men are used to deciding everything, so try to do it again. Don't argue, don't argue, don't interrupt. Let the woman speak, perhaps this is enough for her to look at you with different eyes and give this relationship another chance.

Our hearts demand change

After a conversation and through simple calculations, you can understand what to do and whether you are ready to give your woman a new happy life and. Nothing will work without this. She will increasingly talk about the lack of love and will finally come to the conclusion that she will divorce you.

I hope you have already made a decision and will try to stick to your strategy. Do something nice for your other half. It's actually very simple. You can find a lot of useful advice on this topic in the book. Ruslan Narushevich "Learning to love each other". I recommend paying special attention to it.

That's all for me. See you soon and don't forget to subscribe to the newsletter.

Do you want to return the relationship with your ex-boyfriend, but you are not sure that he also has such a desire? Take your time to make a decision, first you need to understand that the ex-boyfriend still loves you. Today's article will help you do that. In it, we highlighted the behavior of a man who still has feelings for you, and talked about how to correctly understand gestures. You will also find out what the one who wants to return the relationship and the girl will do. This information will not let you make a mistake and expose yourself in an ugly light.

The first obvious sign is the emotional behavior of the ex-boyfriend. A loving young man will be sad. The rupture of a love affair destroys the old world. To determine if a young person is yearning, you should consider the following:

Communication. If a man does not want to stop him, you are dear to him at least as an interlocutor. If he writes and calls at least once a week, then he definitely cares about you.
Meetings. After parting, the guys try to cut off contact with their beloved. If a former young man offers friendship, he is trying to return the relationship. Pay attention to meetings in the company of mutual friends, the former boyfriend will try to see each other more often.
Social media. Sad statuses and music on its pages can speak of an acute experience of what happened.
Overly active lifestyle. The sudden onset of an active lifestyle is a sign of the emotional turmoil caused by a breakup. After leaving, the man felt an emptiness in his soul. He tries to fill the lack of love with new impressions, emotions, forcing pleasant memories out of his consciousness.

If a person previously led a measured lifestyle, and now he has gone all out: parties, trips and entertainment - he is going through a breakup and he cares.

And remember that an ex may just want to be friends with you. It's quite normal.

Do you want to know all the ways to quickly get your loved one back after a breakup? We recommend reading free book Alexey Chernozem "How to return a loved one". You will receive a step-by-step plan on how to make him want to come back again.

The book is free. To download, go to this page, leave your e-mail and an email will be sent to the mail with a link to the pdf-file.

Gestures by which you can understand that your ex-boyfriend likes you

A man who is still in love and wants to renew the relationship will initiate physical contact in every possible way: casual or intentional touching. You can understand this by:

hugs at a meeting;
kisses on the cheek;
assistance in putting on outerwear;
an offer to submit a bag, to hold it.

In the company of friends, the guy will be near you, he will try to allegedly accidentally sit next to you. The young man can put his hand on the back of your chair, as if hugging.

A caring man can often look at a former lover, he will try to draw her gaze to himself. At a party, he will involuntarily follow: where you went, what you are doing, with whom you communicate. Subconsciously, the young man will try to determine your condition. He is interested in whether you are experiencing a breakup, whether you want to return.

What a guy does if he wants to come back

First of all, a man will try to "test the waters", make an innocent call or write an SMS. He will try to assess the chances of resuming communication. The reason will be the offer to take a walk together.

A young man who still likes his ex may offer to return the girl's thing lost in his house. If you agree to meet, soon the guy will continue to approach, inviting her to walk. Frequent meetings will naturally lead to the resumption of love relationships.

If the reason for the breakup was a lie, use our tips on how. It also says how to save it and what not to do.

For those whose passion does not want to renew a relationship, we have collected information about. Here we have suggested 10 steps and a list of what not to do.

To read our other article. You will need to go through 5 stages, realize the problem and do a general cleaning in your head.

A good way to forget the ex -. What should you do, what should be your behavior, how to attract attention and keep it? We have all the answers!

Prepare in advance for the meeting, here's how you can. Here we answered: what is needed for this, what can be said and what should not be done.

A variant of a direct proposal to meet is possible. Such situations are extremely rare. If the breakup occurred on your initiative, the young man will not make an appointment for fear of rejection. In this case, it's time to act on your own, invite him for a cup of coffee!

This video is about how to understand if a man loves. In the case of the former, the signs will be almost the same:

Even if you realized that the guy still loves you, is there any point in stepping on the same rake?

Good afternoon. I read your answers to the questions and realized that they carefully understand the situation here and give, indeed, the necessary advice, and do not dismiss people with standards.
My situation may seem crazy to someone, and easy or difficult to someone. But I got confused.
After my divorce from my husband, I met a nice guy. We just talked for a couple of months and then we started dating. He is 10 years younger than me. Although I don’t look my age either - at most 20-23, sorry, but I often behave accordingly.
We met for 2 months, after which he came and in a roundabout way tried to leave. He said he didn't love me, but he cares about me. The next day he came to reconcile.
After another 2 months, he came to meet after work. But I had to work late. Before that, he disappeared for 2 days. Came with a friend and a guilty face. He just stood for half an hour, after which he kissed him on the cheek and left. I realized that he made up his mind. For a week she roared like a beluga. She ran around the apartment, not understanding what was happening. I felt like the world had gone crazy. I could not work, I could not communicate with people. Oddly enough, it was his friends who actively pulled me out of this state.
He returned a week later. We talked about mistakes, about the fact that he does not love me. That I'm at work all the time. We're separated. And yet we decided to try again.
It's been almost 4 months now and everything seems to be going well. But periodically there are conversations that it is better for both of us to leave. That I will feel bad, but it will pass. And the sooner the better. But I can't let him go. I love him very much. Ready for everything for him. But what can be done to change his attitude? Lead initially he thought that this is it, the very thing. What happened?
At the same time, he is furious with everyone when I do something wrong from his point of view. In the sense that I will hurt myself. I stopped telling him about what was going on with me, only in general terms and only good things. He just gets really mad when he can't help me. And because of his age, he really cannot help in any way, except for moral support. But he does not give it - he does not know how and is not used to it.
If he didn't care about me, and he would just use me, there would not even be a question - we would break up. But I see that he is not all early. That he is very worried and worried about me.
I'm completely confused. I don't want to lose him, but I don't know what to do. He is with me, but does not love, or thinks that he does not love.
I don't understand anything. I want to cry from helplessness.
I really hope that your answer will help me at least clarify something.
Thank you very much in advance.

Tatyana, St. Petersburg, 30 years old

Answer:

Hello Tatiana.

The problem seems to be that he doesn't feel like a man enough around you. Here, look carefully: in case of your troubles, he cannot help you (although no one has canceled the effect of moral support), but now it is important for him to be a man! And that means 1) making money; 2) be able to solve problems, not just talk about them; 3) to have the right to show some kind of power, or at least initiative. And in fact, what we have: 1) it is unlikely that he can oppose his earnings to yours; 2) due to the lack of proper life experience, he cannot effectively help you solve your problems, and apparently he considers moral support to be the lot of "snotty children"; 3) and by virtue of all this, he understands well that he has no right to put any conditions on you and demand something from you. Because he has a feeling, apparently, that he seriously has nothing to offer you as a woman. And as a result, we have a picture: a man does not see for himself the opportunity to "steer" this ship of relationships. And as a result, he feels hurt. And he finds one way to equalize the situation - to declare that he does not love you. And thereby reveal your weakness and at least in some way feel power and strength over you. What can be done. I think, just to convey to him all this. Explain that for you the adulthood of a man is the ability to give moral support. What matters to you is not how much he earns, but how much he is able to take care of you (do something around the house, or maybe help physically in some kind of hard work). And then encourage his initiative in business. In general, by any means (but unobtrusively) let him know that he is the helmsman of the relationship ship. It is even possible to come up with some situations in which he could prove himself as a man, and then voice his joy at how reliable, strong he is, etc. There is a chance, but in this matter you will have to be patient and delicate, and less show your extreme interest in it. After all, he, too, must have a field for conquest.

Sincerely, Nesvitsky Anton Mikhailovich.

Doesn't she understand that the phrase hurts a lot? I will try to answer all these questions in this article, and also give a guide to action, which you should definitely pay attention to.

Think about yourself

No one wants to hear the phrase that they do not like him. Try at least for a while to move away from this information and think about yourself and your relationship with a woman.

Most likely, the wife has told you before that she does not like certain moments in a life together. You may have overlooked this information. Now is the time to remember everything and think about whether everything suits you specifically. What do you want and what are you striving for?

It does not happen that one in a couple is fine, and the other is uncomfortable.

Straight Talk

If you don’t understand for the life of you what specifically doesn’t suit your spouse, it’s best to ask her.

Our hearts demand change

That's all for me. See you soon and don't forget to subscribe to the newsletter.

QUESTION TO PSYCHOLOGISTS

Asks: Elena (2016-08-05 16:21:42)

Hello dear psychologists. Tell me, please, a way out of the situation.
I have been married for 2 years. I am 30 years old, I have a daughter from my first marriage and a son who is 3 months old in common with my husband. My husband is 10 years older than me. My problem is that it seems to me that my husband lives with me, because he is so comfortable and his heart is different.
It seems to me that this is his stepdaughter from a previous marriage. She is 20 years younger than him and lives in a civil marriage as a young man. For her sake, he is ready for a lot and is always insanely happy with her rare calls. He tells me that I am loved and she is like a daughter to him.
I can't handle my jealousy attacks. I constantly tease him, call him my beloved “Lady of the Heart”, get angry when he is not ready to fulfill my requests or fulfills them with great reluctance, they do not seem to him so necessary for our or my well-being. It seems to me that if she asked him for something, he would fly on the wings of love fulfilling her desires. My jealousy infuriates him. And here it seems to me that during these scandals he does not behave like a loving husband. Instead of hugging, kissing and saying “Helen, you know that you are the best!” he talks about how I have fucking brains and she is his daughter. And once, during a scandal, he said that she was better than me. Then the truth the next day added than. The fact that she does not carry any nonsense, the fact that he can be proud of her upbringing because he himself invested, but it doesn’t seem to me that he no longer brought up, but just had a pleasant leisure time. They went to the beach together when she was 14. In general, he loves to talk about her childhood and youth. And I really hate to hear it. Living in a previous marriage, he tried to earn money to get the child to school, living with me, he also works, but does not try to his fullest. After the death of her mother, her husband gave Natasha a gold ring under the pretext that he promised to give his mother an engagement ring, and he gives me cheap perfume, and for thirty years he did not congratulate at all, and his mother gave the gift. On
On February 23, after calling all his friends with the news that “a stunningly beautiful woman will give him a son,” he calls her with the words “daughter, come to my house, you don’t know what’s going on in my head when I talk to you” and she laughed into the phone. I then said after that that I no longer love him and let's part, he was upset then said that he was terribly cold. We made up because I, too, became cold and devastated. When she came to be discharged from the maternity hospital, she was insanely happy for her visit, they kept together all the time, he almost didn’t come up to me, only when the photographer said Lena and Andrey kiss. It even happened that Natasha took my son in her arms and he stood next to them and photographed them. The photographer was smart enough not to take this photo, he would have done better, otherwise he assures that this did not happen. With all this, he dares to assure me that he is loved by him, that he is the best because she gave him a son, he dares to pester me and call me Lapulichka. In general, he clung to me like a tick
I am a very beautiful woman, I think so because I very often receive bonuses in the form of attention from other men and small services, such as screwing in a light bulb on my floor when I didn’t even ask for it, but also all sorts of things like that. And women often tell me about this. I am not offended by the attention of other men. Somehow I asked without scandal why Natasha was better than me a few months later, and he replied that she did not fly in the clouds, and at 30 I was like a child, although I was the mother of two children. And in general, he often reproaches me when drunk for carelessness and inspiration (I have such shortcomings) and that I don’t listen to him when he says something or asks (I have such character traits, they appear in communication not only with him I can catch on in thoughts for the spoken word to ponder the information received and inadvertently skip everything else, then I ask again what terribly I rage around
I can't handle the jealousy. I’m trying to move away, move away from doing household chores but at the same time be a stranger, but when I understand that he doesn’t take steps towards reconciliation, I start to break down again, tease and reproach. do not walk around with the face of an unsatisfied woman. It seems to me that marriage destroys my health, it happens that I can hardly force myself to take care of my children (especially his little son, who doesn’t inspire me with maternal feelings at all, of course I love him, he just doesn’t make me happy, as my daughter once did in infancy)
Why am I not going to such a step as a divorce? There are several reasons for this
The first most difficult is, if not love, then emotional dependence. I'm used to and terribly miss him when he's gone.
The second is that I am a believer and the priest does not bless the divorce, but recommends saving the relationship - look after the appearance, the house, a good dinner, and even work on bed relationships
The third in a divorce, I'm afraid that I might be tempted, that is. to enter into an extramarital relationship, and this is a sin, I would not want sin in my life, although lately thoughts have often been visited that would find a lover.
Although if I think about it, I will also receive my bonuses from him. Before marriage with me, he drank a lot, almost stopped in marriage. He does a lot around the house.
What would you advise me in this situation? I read the book “The Charm of Femininity” on the Internet, I just started reading it, but I don’t believe it anymore. They write there that a wife can awaken unearthly love in her husband, but can she awaken it in him a second time if another has already done it. They will not build the Taj Mahal a second time for another. It seems to me easier to inspire an alcoholic neighbor so that flower beds grow under my window and empty bottles do not lie around than to fall in love with your own husband.
I am very interested in the opinion of a psychologist on this account. Help me please.
Sincerely, Elena

PSYCHOLOGISTS' ANSWERS

Elena, hello.

I sympathize with your situation. When a man compares you to another woman, it is unbearable and insulting, it destroys a woman. And if a man does not understand this, then he is a stupid man who does not understand anything in relationships, who has no knowledge about building relationships, no mind.

I can assume, as an option, that your husband is now having a midlife crisis, which can manifest itself at the age of 40-45 years. The consequences of this crisis can be various mental disorders, as well as the emergence of feelings for someone else, most often younger girls. At the same time, a husband can appreciate you as a wife, but think about another, fantasize. This, of course, does not happen to all men, so this is just my guess as to the reasons for your husband's behavior.

I think that it would be best in such a situation for you to visit a family psychologist together. Because by itself, your husband may not be aware of any problems in his behavior, and a psychologist from the outside will be able to assess your relationship, help you sort out the current situation and recommend what specific steps you, as a couple, can take to resolve it. . Your husband does not hear you, does not take your words seriously, and he is more likely to perceive the words of a competent person, a specialist.

The second is that I am a believer and the priest does not bless the divorce, but recommends saving the relationship - look after the appearance, the house, a good dinner, and even work on bed relationships

That's right, my father advises. But this may not always work. There are such relationships between husband and wife that divorce will only be a boon for both. If relationships are destroying you, not only emotionally, but also physically, why keep such relationships? Of course, first you should try to work on them, and if nothing comes of it, then make a decision about a divorce.

I wish you happiness, joy and a speedy resolution of this situation.

Sincerely,
your psychologist,
Elizabeth Kritskaya
Saint Petersburg