I love one - I live with another. How to live? What to do? How to be?

For the past six months, I have been asking myself this question very often. How to live? What to do? How to be?
I love one - I live with another. How to put everything in its place? How to tell a person that I do not love him and do not want to live with him? How difficult it is, after living together for 14 years. I never thought it would be so difficult.
I don't want to hurt him, but I hurt myself.I want to start a new life - with the one I love, but it's impossible now.Why is fate so cruel? Why do I need all this?

And it all started many years ago. I was 13-14, he was 17-18. We were just friends, talking, walking. They didn't even kiss then. He was so sweet and I really liked him then. Then he went to the army for two years (1991-1993), and I was waiting for him. I gave him my address, but he never wrote to me from the army. And I still waited.
Then He returned from the army, we met again. I loved Him then very much, but, probably, We were young and did not understand the price that now has to be paid.
He kissed and hugged me. I felt very good with him. Sometimes it seemed like forever.
Everything was not very easy. We lived in different cities. Where He lived, my grandmother lives. I often came, and we were together.
This went on for two years. I knew that He had no one but me. I came with joy, and we walked at night, and in the morning He went to work. I still remember His hands, His lips. We talked about life, about the future. They made plans.
His mother did not like Our relationship, she was afraid that I would take Him to my city.
One day, I arrived and saw Him with another girl. As it turned out, they had nothing. It was at that moment that it just hit me. I felt so hurt and embarrassed. I did not listen to His explanations and excuses. I didn't even let him say a word. Jealousy, and the feeling that I was betrayed - were stronger. I just went home and decided that I would forget Him.
A few months later I got married in my city. She just married her husband. Then I thought I loved him. Or maybe - it didn’t seem, maybe she loved, now it’s hard to judge this.
Very often, living in a legal marriage, I remembered Him. I knew everything about Him. I knew that He was looking for me, only all my relatives were forbidden to give my address. I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to forgive.
In my marriage, two daughters were born. My husband and I seemed to have a normal relationship. And quarreled, and reconciled, like everyone else. She even left her husband, then returned.
I knew that He got married, that he had a son.
Years passed and I forgave Him. I really wanted to be with Him, but it was too late.
I have a family, He has a family.
We did not communicate, but I could not forget Him.

Years passed. 13 years have passed since then.
And so, in December 2009, He went to my page in Odnoklassniki, wrote me a message, and I answered.
At first, We simply talked on various topics, told each other about life. Then we started talking on Skype. He gave me his phone number and I gave him mine.
He was the first to congratulate me on March 8. I was very pleased.
In my heart I understood that nothing could be, but my heart said the opposite.
Then he said that all this time he loved only me. That he does not love his wife and lives only for the sake of his children.
I also had such a feeling, since I have not loved my husband for a long time, and maybe I have never loved. Even though she never cheated on her husband.
He spoke many beautiful words. We reminisced about our relationship with him.
It seemed to me that this was a fairy tale, but I so wanted to plunge into this fairy tale again.
I wanted to meet Him, talk in real life, look into his eyes.
After our parting with Him, I almost did not come to my grandmother. More precisely, I was there a couple of times with my husband and children.
I knew that He no longer lives there, but lives with his wife and children in another city, but often comes there to his mother.
And so, in May 2010, I plucked up the courage - and, with children, without a husband, I went to my grandmother. I did not count on anything and did not hope that I would see Him.
But fate decreed otherwise.
May 8 He came to his mother with his wife and children. He accidentally saw me near the yard, but did not get out of the car, did not approach. I also saw him, but did not show that we knew each other.
I was hurt and offended that He did not come.
Then my sister and I drank vodka, beer and went to bed. And at night my sister woke me up, told me to go outside, that they had come to me. I even half-awake could not understand - what she wants. But she went outside.
His car was there.
As it turned out, He took his wife home and arrived.
I got dressed and We rode all night with Him. We talked about life.
Why did he come?
Two days later, I returned home to my city with the children, but since then I can’t help but think about it.
I understand that I don't want to live with my husband anymore. I want a new life.
Even if I am not with Him, I want to leave my husband. How to do it - I do not know.
Then we met with him a few more times. I feel so good with him. And Him with me.
Intellectually, I understand that He is unlikely to leave his wife, even if he does not love her. Besides, He never promised me that. Even though he said he wanted to be with me.But my heart says otherwise. It is impossible to turn on a sober head.
I can't look at my husband. I constantly think about Him and about the divorce from my husband.I'm constantly looking for an excuse to leave.
I know you can't love someone else's husband, but what to do, maybe it's fate? After all, for some reason, after so many years Our paths crossed again.

vera1977 (Ukraine)

Fate often plays cruel games with us, forcing us to make a choice between love and duty, between the desires of the soul and reasonable arguments of the mind, between an unloved husband and a beloved man. In women who are faced with such a life dilemma, the heart is torn in half. One half of him wants to maintain a relationship with her husband, with whom obligations, children, property, memory of past love and joint victories and joys are associated. And the other one trembles from a new love for another man who fills life with meaning and hopes for a happy future. Head is spinning! To whom to yield? A loving heart or a conscientious mind? How to decide and what to do so that the consequences of the choice are not excruciatingly painful?

1. Define needs

A written analysis of the needs that are realized in marriage and in relationships with a beloved man will help to understand the situation.

List "What keeps me in the family?"

For example:

• financial stability (housing, money, etc.);
• psychological comfort for a child who will grow up in a complete family;
• well-established life; implementation as a "mother of the family";
• predictability of behavior of all family members;
• support from influential relatives or family friends;
• sexual compatibility with husband, etc.

List "What do I get in a relationship with the man I love?"

• love, which is expressed in touching tenderness and affection;
• a sense of self-importance and exclusivity;
• sincere care and guardianship;
• support, help, friendly participation;
• intrigue;
• flowers and gifts;
• passionate sex, etc.

Separately, you can make lists of the positive qualities of a husband and lover. Fixing on a piece of paper all the “pros” in relations with them will allow you to see a clear picture of what you will have to lose when you decide to part with your spouse or beloved man.

2. Find true motives

At this stage, you need to determine whether the desire to destroy the old life is really driven by true love, and not by the desire to compensate for what the old relationship does not give. Here you have to be extremely frank and honest with yourself, to sort out internal conflicts that prevent you from seeing the truth. And the truth is that there are no good or bad husbands, ideal lovers and cloudless family happiness.

In any new relationship, we take the former self - intolerant, irreconcilable, demanding, selfish, sacrificial, etc. We are trying to build a new one on the unsorted ruins from our own fears, complexes, experiences. We forget to take into account the “psychology” of love, which “lives for three years”, and then turns either into friendship or into a habit, from which you just want to run away into a new relationship.

3. Realize the nature of the love triangle

The third in a relationship between two appears when some of the needs are not satisfied (support, protection, tenderness, sex, money, etc.). And no matter how paradoxical it may sound, the “third corner” that has formed often helps to save a family that has fallen into a relationship crisis. Crises in family life are crises to make an inventory of feelings, rethink relationships and set priorities. And this “third extra” is needed precisely in order to realize the deficit and try to fill the relationship with her husband with the missing feelings and emotions. You may need to visit a family psychologist for this. But it's often worth it to give the family a chance to be "reborn from the ashes."

4. Bring new love to clean water

Passion, which rules the mind and even the instinct of conservation, often makes love stupid, blind and deaf. Ardent feelings make it difficult to objectively evaluate both the person and the situation. And clouding the mind, "rose-colored glasses" exaggerate the dignity of a beloved man, and in an amazing way reduce his bad qualities right up to disappearance.

In addition, the very atmosphere of “stolen” love creates an aura of ideal happiness - rare and such welcome meetings, intrigue and understatement, as well as the lack of obligations, common life and solving problems that will inevitably appear in a new family. Therefore, do not rush to conclusions about true love with a new man if the relationship has not yet been experienced by grief and joy.

5. Check the feelings of both men

So sincere love, you can check it only by voicing your departure, which for men will mean the end of the relationship. A sincerely loving man will accept any choice of a woman, since selfishness is unknown to true love. He will be able to find the strength in himself to let the woman go where she will be truly happy and will be able to survive the pain of what is not with him. And he will not shift the blame and responsibility solely on her shoulders. In the collapse of love, both are always to blame.

A husband who values ​​​​his family will voice his willingness to change and fill relationships with new meaning, feelings and emotions. He will do everything to make his wife want to stay, and if he leaves, then only in order to compare and understand that there is no better man. A beloved man, if he is really ready to start a family, will prove by deed that the woman's risk is justified and she will never regret her choice. One of the men who begins to hold back by blackmail, to avenge the hurt pride, to humiliate and harm, resorting to dirty methods, is not worthy of wasting time, or regrets, and even more so love.

Any woman, getting married, firmly believes that she will live happily ever after with her chosen one, in love and harmony. This happens in many couples. But, unfortunately, it also happens that after having been married for a certain number of years, a woman cools off towards her husband and falls madly in love with another man. Why is this happening?

Family psychologists identify several reasons why a similar situation may arise in a woman's life.

What makes a woman fall in love with another man?

A woman married not loving Alas, not all marriages are concluded for great love. Often, women get married not because they are in love with the chosen one, but simply out of fear of staying too long in old maids. The popular saying: “To endure - fall in love” in practice does not always justify itself. A woman's heart yearns for love, and if a woman has not been able to love her husband, then she will love someone else... Husband's bad attitude Even if a woman married for love, if her husband often offends a woman, cheats, is rude, does not consider her. In this case, all the blame for the situation falls entirely on the husband. Crisis of marital relations Without exception, all families, even the happiest, go through moments of crisis, during which relations between spouses become aggravated, become uneven, conflict. Not all couples go through these crises successfully, especially if in a conflict situation each of the spouses can only hear himself and does not consider it necessary to adapt to his partner. And if, during a family crisis, a man meets a man with whom she has mutual sympathy, she may decide that her marriage was a mistake and rush into the abyss of a new love. Boredom There is a category of women who very often fall in love with other men due to the fact that they quickly get bored with calm and monotonous marital relations. Such women, when their family life flows smoothly and calmly, begin to get bored or rush in search of new love relationships, and the risk of exposure makes their feelings even more acute. Probably, such women are simply not created for quiet marital happiness... Meeting with a kindred spirit It also happens that a husband and wife are not bad people, but very different. If a man and a woman look at life differently, have different life goals and priorities, they can never be happy with each other and they will always have problems with mutual understanding. And if a woman living with a spouse alien to her suddenly meets a man on her way with whom she has a lot in common, then it is not surprising if she falls in love with him. Thirst for romance The popular expression: "Love boat crashed into everyday life" turns out to be true for so many families. It should be clarified that love does not kill life, but the lack of romance, when the communication of a husband and wife comes down only to a joint solution of current family problems. And then another man appears near the woman, who gives her flowers, says compliments, beautifully declares his love - is it easy for her to resist?

What should a woman do if she loves another man? Lead a double life, cheating on her husband, or destroy the family for the sake of love?

Calmly analyze what happened. The reason why such a situation arose is very important. If the whole point is an unbearable relationship with a husband or a lack of marital love, then it is advisable to divorce not only because of new love, but also because living with an unloved person is immoral, and it is pointless to endure constant scandals! But if the only reason to destroy your own family is a passion for another man, then it builds you to think ... Soberly assess the prospect of a relationship with your beloved man As a rule, all love relationships begin beautifully, but it is not a fact that this will continue. It often happens that a woman begins to feel passion for another man and leaves her disgusted husband for him, and as a result, after a while, relations with her lover become the same as they were with her husband, or even worse! Before making a vital decision, a woman must realize that and that good is not sought from good. Be Honest The worst thing a woman who has fallen in love with another man can do is start dating her lover without her husband knowing. Firstly, everything secret sooner or later becomes clear, and secondly, having relationships with two men at the same time is simply unscrupulous. It is much more correct to honestly tell your husband about your decision to part with him, and only then begin to build a new relationship! Seriously talk with her beloved Before making a fateful decision, a woman should speak frankly with her beloved man and ask if he is going to join his fate with her if she becomes free. Very much because it is so convenient for them, since such relationships do not oblige them to anything! And as soon as a woman divorces for the sake of her beloved, her beloved immediately finds an excuse to break off relations with her.

Alina Malina

Hello, I am 30 years old, I have been married for 3 years. I have had a lover for the last year and a half. We had a very strong love, but I could not leave my husband, take this step. The lover could not stand it, he left. I'm not proud of all this, but as it is. I am torn apart by wild and unbearable pain, I do not want to live, I see no point in the future. My husband is very good, I was lucky with him, but it does not help.

Alina Malina

Hard to say. When we first met our lover, we were both covered by this wave, from the first minute, we could not take our eyes off each other. One and a half years flew by like a blink of an eye. The physical intimacy is amazing, like no one has ever been. Beauty, I could not take my eyes off him, he is so beautiful to me, the most beautiful in the world. Smart, erudite, cheerful, very kind, caring .. You can list for a long time. I can also say a lot of good things about my husband, I’m calm with him, I trust him, I know that he will never betray me, he loves and cares for me very much. But there is no such passion, such attraction, as with a lover, and never has been.

Alina Malina

Yes, it does. I chose calmness ... Only now I will regret my choice of vidmo all my life, because I cannot exist without a lover. We have a very strong love, he still loves me too. And I just live on some kind of machine, inside there is a huge gaping wound, the pain is unbearable. I don't see the point in anything. And I feel sorry for my husband, he doesn’t know anything, he loves me very much. I feel like such a creature.

Alina Malina

Because I am deceiving my husband, he does not deserve it, he is a wonderful person, loves me very much, tries for me. I sit and cry all day or look at one point, but I can’t tell him why this is, I have to invent and say that there are problems at work and depression. And he consoles me... Oh. All day long I go to the page in the social networks of my lover, I look when he was, who he added. Yesterday I saw that he added as a friend the girl with whom he works together, I know that before meeting me he tried to meet her, but they realized that different people remained just friends. But I was very jealous and insisted on ending their communication, he added her to the black list. But at work he continued to communicate. And so, after parting with me, he immediately added her as a friend. Seeing this, I sobbed all day yesterday and am still on sedatives. I don’t want to live, I can’t imagine him with someone else, and even more so with her. It’s like I’m dying every second and I’m surprised that I’m still somehow alive.

Alina Malina

Difficult to say, vague picture. I think they would live together, go on vacation, plan life together, children ... It's hard to say how it would be

Alina Malina

Now it seems to me that he and I would never get bored with each other. I have never been able to look at anyone with such endless delight as at him, for me this is the most beautiful person I have ever met. I am his first love, he has never met anyone in his life, whom he would love, with whom he would like to live, children, life and this is true.

Alina Malina

It stops the fear that it will be worse there than with the current husband. My husband, he is somehow more reliable to him, I have 100% confidence, he will never hurt me. And a lover can, he is very emotional and can say a lot of hurtful things and do things on emotions that will hurt me very, very much. For example, get drunk or go for a walk with the girl I mentioned above, knowing perfectly well that for me it's like a sharp knife. I told him all about it, he told me that if we were together, there would be no women, booze, etc., he would be there and would never hurt me.

Alina Malina

He is a very emotional person, he lives in extremes. Can change decisions every five minutes and every time sincerely believes that this is the final and most correct decision. I simply believe that it is impossible to be alone with me in certain conditions and the other already in others. If you don’t want to hurt your loved one, but you won’t, regardless of whether he is with you or not

It seems that subconsciously you have chosen as your lover a person with whom you definitely will not get along if the opportunity presents itself. Thus, your psyche is protected from possible problems due to the search for sexual satisfaction on the side. What kind of sex do you have with your husband? Is everything alright?

Hello dear readers! Making a decision is always difficult, and even if it can radically change your life, even more so. Frank conversations with yourself and reflections, even if they help, then, before the realization of the plan, there is a lot to go through. People understand this, and therefore they are not in a hurry to implement it.

I live with one love another - what to do? The answer seems to be so simple and obvious, but without the advice of a psychologist it can be very difficult in practice. That is what I am going to give you today. Well, let's get started, shall we? I hope by the end of this post you will be able to make a decision and change something in your life.

Who is guilty

Do you understand that you have created a situation in which one is unhappy, and in relation to the second, a loved one behaves dishonestly?

You know perfectly well that you are thinking about someone else, which means you cannot be called a happy woman. You experience discomfort from what you are doing, firstly, not as you want, and, secondly, incorrectly.

At some point in your life, you met a wonderful young man and decided to start a relationship with him, but then you changed your mind and realized: “I want another.” This guy continues to believe in you, and you with his soul. Would you like to be in his place?

Only you can make everyone happy, or at least be honest with everyone. You know what you want out of life, so what makes you act differently?

Everything is in your power, you just need to decide and do it.

"I can't"

Perhaps you are afraid to be unnecessary to someone with whom you are secretly in love. Well, then you should seriously think about whether to give up your feelings altogether? If you think that this should be done in favor of the man with whom you live, this is not at all the case. You are not confident in your partner, otherwise there was no thought about the past or the future.

Answer yourself honestly, do you love the one with whom you are trying to live? Why do you need this relationship if someone else is constantly present in them? Do you want it, even if no one appreciates it?

Believe me, your young man is not interested in being specifically with you, regardless of the fact that you love another. Time will pass, and this guy will definitely find someone else. Perhaps you are taking the place of his ideal other half. What makes you do it and how do you justify your act?

Leave everything “I can’t”, get rid of fear and start building your life in which everything will happen sincerely and honestly. This is happiness in the family. No one will thank you for loving another or sleeping with a third. Appreciate yourself and those around you.

Think of yourself and your own happiness.

How did you get here

I would like to summarize a little and thereby finally clarify the situation around you. Before, I spoke mainly about other people, but the most important thing for a person is himself, and rightly so.

A woman will never cheat or look at another man if she is completely satisfied with the relationship. She weighs and thinks for a long time, and then changes and, first of all, emotionally. “I can’t live like this anymore, I want change, I need someone else,” she seems to say, going to bed with another man, even mentally.

Only you can decide how to be: with the one from whom you mentally run away, or try something new with someone else. In any case, until you decide and start following your own feelings, they will torment you, like the situation itself. And believe me, after many years, not a single soul will be grateful to you for the fact that you suffered.