In a relationship, a situation often arises where the partner’s further intentions are not clear. When a partner says one thing, but for some reason it pulls with the transition to a serious relationship. Let's look at some examples of such situations. (A partner refers to both a man and a woman.)

Does my partner love me?

A very important question at the beginning of a relationship is whether my partner loves me? The answer to this question depends on the future planning of life). Do I need a person or not? There is a saying, "You can't force yourself to be nice." Therefore, if the chosen one (tsy) does not have reciprocal feelings, is it worth wasting your time to achieve this? Of course, it’s not always love at first sight and it takes time to get to know a person better, then feelings for him appear, but if enough time has passed and feelings haven’t appeared, then most likely they won’t appear.
But sometimes there is no clear answer to this question, it seems that the partner loves, but it seems that he does not. And then such a suspended state sets in, when it is not clear whether to continue the relationship, or to leave. If you find yourself in such a state and cannot independently understand the situation, you can turn to a psychologist for help.

Partner pulls with the transition to cohabitation.

Relationships can be divided into stages. The first stage is the stage of acquaintance and courtship, the so-called candy-bouquet period. Usually this stage is the happiest and most carefree in a relationship, partners fly on the wings of love. The next stage in a relationship is living together and living together. As a rule, if none of the partners is against it, then this stage comes on its own as a logical continuation of the relationship after the candy-bouquet period. But sometimes that doesn't happen. For some reason, one of the partners does not agree to live together, but is not going to leave either. And again, such a suspended situation can last quite a long time and it is not clear how it will all end. Again, it can be very difficult to figure out on your own in such a situation and in the desires of a partner.

The man does not propose.

The next logical step in relations is their legalization, i.e. wedding. And in the transition to this stage, too, difficulties may arise. Most often, a man does not want to go to this stage, but there are situations when resistance arises in a woman. It seems that the couple has known each other for a long time and has the experience of living together, but the wedding does not happen. In such situations, it is often not clear why the partner has resistance. And the partner cannot (or does not want to) clearly answer this question. Again, in this case, the help of a psychologist will help to figure out why the partner has resistance to creating a serious relationship.
Sometimes, of course, people do not play a wedding, but they consider their relationship as serious, there is a great common life, and plans for children. In this case, there is no problem in the absence of a wedding, because a wedding is just a formality - an official confirmation of the seriousness of the relationship)

These are the possible problems that can arise in a relationship. In addition, a lot of confusion and uncertainty arises in love triangles. Let's consider the most typical case.

A man does not leave his wife for a mistress.

A very common problem in a love triangle is when a man promises to divorce his wife and marry his mistress, but still doesn't do it. The lover girl is then in limbo and does not understand what she should do next, continue to wait for the man to decide to take such a step or abandon such a relationship? It is extremely difficult to assess your own chances of success in such a situation. According to statistics, only one man out of six leaves his wife for his mistress, and almost everyone promises to leave). Therefore, it is very important to predict your chances of success as early as possible.

All of the above examples relate to a situation where you need to predict the behavior of a partner in order to assess your chances for a serious relationship. It is extremely difficult to make a good forecast while inside a relationship, because feelings overwhelm and make it difficult to objectively look at the situation. Therefore, we recommend that you contact our specialist in problems of this kind. A professional view from the outside will help you clearly see the problem, understand its causes and assess your chances of success!

Good afternoon dear expert! My name is Elena, I am 30 years old. My family is falling apart! My husband and I have known each other for a long time, we studied together in the 5th grade, then we met when we were 22 years old, he ended the relationship, I was also free, he looked at me as a woman, and we started a relationship, everything was wonderful, in life everything was there, I didn’t want to leave, they loved, fought, everything! I fell in love with him very much, blindly, wildly, I did everything for him. we have been married for 8 years, all 8 years we could not have a child, we were diagnosed with infertility. I had a lot of men before my husband, and I have 4 women, my husband has the position that physical betrayal is unacceptable (namely sex), my husband found himself off-road (cross-country racing in the mud), self-esteem went up, 4 years ago he got carried away a girl on the road with a company in St. Petersburg, he was drunk, kissing, but no more, he wanted to leave me, immediately plunged into the pool, then I forgave him, he stayed, we got married, tried to be treated for infertility, unsuccessfully. And now I'm pregnant for 2 months, he was surprised, but I didn't see much joy! And here I found the correspondence between him and the girl, it was his love 12 years ago, she left him then, he wrote that he still loves her, he no longer feels that feeling for me, he is ready to leave me, and nothing will stop him , I cried, hysteria (tried to say that it was difficult to rebuild, broke it). Since December, they only corresponded, and on April 24 they met, he invited her and his girlfriend to ride, there were memories, as he says, something flared up, a kiss, there was nothing else. At some point, I let him go, said, go, he rushed to her, on the last day we had crazy sex, and that's it, he left me, I packed my things and went to my parents. The next day, he called and said that if I still want, he is ready to stay with me, he wants it, but those feelings are gone, with me he called the girl and said that everything was between them (I pressed), meet her she refused the request, deleted her phone, her girlfriend, profiles on classmate sites, contact, and stayed, I began to invent men for myself, trying to watch his reaction, he is jealous. He says that the feeling for me is deeper, but he revised the word love. He says, Lena, tell yourself STOP, don’t remind me of her, don’t disturb and don’t torment me, I’m with you, and I don’t know how to live on, because he loves her, or how else can this be understood. I'm confused how to live!!!??? I have a long-awaited pregnancy, but I'm nervous, I smoke a lot, although I quit before that, I can't eat. They found some kind of infection in me, exclusively due to pregnancy, and, realizing that it was mean, I said that you picked up something from her through a kiss, it turns out that you are ready for the lowest deeds for the sake of love, after that he fell to me at his feet and said that he would no longer approach any woman, swore by our child (I asked for it myself). I am a loving monster!!!
Thanks in advance for your reply!

Elena, Moscow, 30 years old

Family Psychologist Answer:

Hello, Elena.

At first we lose, then we return by all means, and after that we don’t know what to do with it further. Here you are in the same situation. You achieved what you wanted, your husband stayed, a long-awaited pregnancy, you just need to forbid yourself to think about the bad. There was no betrayal, and it is not worth reminding once again that it is already behind. It is not known what feelings he is experiencing, maybe a banal passion, backed up by past memories. And love, I will not give definitions, because for each person it is something different. A concept that includes not only words, but also warmth, respect, affection, passion, etc. Love, forgive, enjoy life! Pleasant worries and moments await you soon.

Sincerely, Belomoitseva Natalya Alekseevna.

Hello Olga! I decided to contact you, because I was confused not only in relationships but also in myself. I am 38. I lived with my husband for 11 years. Almost always we lived only on what I earned. He constantly lied even in small things. But at the same time, he was a sensitive and caring husband. We didn’t have children for a long time, a long treatment, tears of despair on my part, persuasion from him. He supported me at that moment very much (in moral terms). Then all the same, a miracle happened - our daughter was born. But it turned out that my husband had hepatitis C. Then I supported him. And 4, 5 years ago, serious problems began in our family. As soon as the child was born, my husband began to disappear from home for a long time, although he came to spend the night, but I felt that something was wrong. After some time, my friends and relatives began to call me and talk about how my husband borrowed money from them and does not give it back, then they began to come and call from several banks. To all my questions and tantrums, my husband evaded answers and left. Then he disappeared for a week, called and said that I was not looking for him. At this time, some strange people began to come to us, demanded money, threatened (and my husband was hiding at that time) ... this went on for six months. I still don’t know where he spent the money. I couldn’t stand it and in the end everything was already going to a divorce. At that moment, I met my friend. And simple communication grew into feelings. They began to meet. six months later I divorced and he left his second wife with a small child (although they were not registered). And now, after 3.5 years since we met, he proposed to me. Everything would be fine, but all this time my ex-husband did not leave me alone - he called, looked for meetings, said HOW he loves me, called me to marry again. The second man also says that he loves, although there is no physical help from him. I believe Thu and after the register will be the same. And now I began to doubt ... where should I rush ... The ex-husband, in fact, jeopardized us with the child then. It's hard for me to forget this horror. But I understand that I can’t live with a second man, his 2 children from different women. And also his mother - she does not let anyone near him - she eliminated all of his women. And I seem to suffer the same fate. His relatives do not communicate with me, because. They think that I destroyed his second family. From the first he divorced because his wife began to drink. But on the other hand, he works, is responsible, and most importantly, he does not lie. So now they are simultaneously asking me to marry. I went to a psychologist, she advised me to take a time-out, to understand myself and that maybe someone will not wait and everything will be decided by itself. I did not communicate with them for 3 weeks, I said that I would think about it. But on the designated day, they told me in turn that they could not live without me and that they were moving to live with me. It would be funny if it weren't so sad... Give me advice... where to rush-twice into the same river or start from scratch?

Lilka

Nika. 31 year. Married for almost 11 years.

A huge lump of psychological problems is pressing on me and I just can’t break it ... I can’t determine for myself what I need, I can’t make a decision, change something in my life ... I can’t do anything .. I don’t even know how to describe my story so that the psychologist understands it correctly ... I just spoke briefly with an online psychologist and is still more depressing than I imagined ... The psychologist calls my situation - a dead end. This is a nightmare ((I ask a specialist who is ready to delve into my situation and help me find ways out...

Lilka

It worries me that I can't make important choices in my life. Find a guide to happiness. If very briefly, two years ago I met a man on the Internet, we sincerely fell in love with each other (there is no doubt about it), but it was not possible to meet, my marriage ... And his serious illness (so, he was on treatment all this time ), quarrels, partings, postponed our meeting, we ruined our relationship ...

I began to communicate with his brother, we had sympathy, the man found out about it and committed suicide ... Now I don’t know what to do ((We are drawn to each other with his brother, but the death of a loved one is above us, both we blame ourselves for what happened, and his relative curses our sympathy ...

I don't know what to do... I don't want to leave him, he needs me, he is afraid that I will leave his life. I also don’t know whether to try to save the marriage, I already left my husband, he can’t let me go, he loves and is killed in separation ... But I don’t want to hurt anyone ... I can’t understand what is more important to me and how to find a way to decide.

Lila, hello,
You write

I can’t determine for myself what I need, I can’t make a decision, change something in my life ... I can’t do anything ...

And wherein

I don't want to hurt anyone...

You want to make a decision and not hurt anyone. That doesn't happen. To make a decision means to choose one of the two. One is to reject, and the other is to leave. This is the essence of choice. And rejection will still hurt.

And the hardest thing is that the expectation and the state of "no choice" causes even more pain.
And in the end, circumstances will develop in such a way that the choice will be made without your participation, then you will only have to accept the outcome and regret.

Lilka

How can I find a way to make the right decision?

Lilka

Decisions ... This is a divorce ... At the same time, continue a relationship with a man, or leave all relationships and be alone. I also have doubts that I should save the marriage ...
I understand that it is impossible to leave this situation unresolved... But how to solve it...
I delve into myself and come to the conclusion that I do not know how to make decisions for my life at all ...

I understand that there are three options?


3) Save your marriage with your husband

Can you write me the pros and cons of each option and what could be the consequences?

Lilka

Staying with a man is an opportunity to develop feelings, and eventually create a happy family. But I'm afraid that his brother's death will be a stain on us... And nothing will come of it. And having made this decision, to destroy the family ... This is pain for the husband, children ... And for themselves for their experiences. But I don’t stop thinking, what if this is a difficult, but sure step ... After all, I, regretting, do not let him find happiness, free himself from feelings and find a woman who will love him.
Left alone, it’s scary that the children will not live in a full-fledged family (I myself grew up without a dad, and it’s very hard), they won’t get something. It's scary to break up a family and then, when it's too late, to understand that this was what was worth fighting for - my family.
And trying to save a marriage, leaving a man is already a pain for him, I am his support ... After losing my brother ... I give him a feeling of happiness, need (his words). But isn’t this selfishness and self-deception in front of my husband “I’m saving my family, which means everyone will be fine” And if it doesn’t ... And it will only get worse with time ... And time has been lost to nothing ...
I also don’t understand how I myself will experience a breakup ... What about my husband, what about a man ...

You somehow wrote everything together. Let's split:
1) Divorce your husband and continue the relationship with the man you are in love with
- opportunity to develop feelings
- the opportunity to create a happy family
- perhaps the death of a brother will stand between you
- destruction of the family
- Husband's pain
- pain in children

2) Divorce your husband and stay single
- children will not live in a full-fledged family
- the children are missing something
- destruction of the family

So? Or is there something else that needs to be added? How does it feel?

Also, I noticed one more thing:

After all, I, regretting, do not let him find happiness, get rid of feelings and find a woman who will love him .....
leaving a man is already a pain for him, I am his support ... After the loss of a brother ... I give him a feeling of happiness, need (his words).

It seems that you are most worried about your man. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to me that you are afraid that he will do something to himself and you will blame yourself for this. This is true?

Lilka

Yes, you have divided correctly. If I only add that even though I will be left alone, divorce is still a pain for my husband.

I care about everyone)
"After all, I, regretting, do not let him find happiness, free himself from feelings and find a woman who will love him." - these lines are about her husband.
My husband can do something with himself (there have already been attempts), that's what I'm really afraid of terribly.
For a man, in this regard, I am calm, I just understand that if I leave him, he will feel bad, but he will not end his life.

Today I talked with the man's wife (yes, everything is very difficult, he is also married), now they broke up due to her regular cheating. And she convinces me not to interfere in the family and not interfere with her returning it. And I don’t interfere, we communicate with him on this topic, he doesn’t want to return, he is already in love with me, but, of course, there are deep-seated feelings for her, a common child. She threatens to tell my husband everything. God, it's so pressing, I'm not ready to make a decision yet, but I understand that if she informs her husband about the situation, and not me, it will only get worse ..

You write that you are worried about everyone. And for the husband and for the children (both on the one and the other side) and for the man you are in love with ...

I understand correctly that you have not personally met that man yet? That you only had correspondence via the Internet?

Lilka

Yes, Svetlana, that's right, we haven't met yet... We've known each other for almost three months... We live in different regions...
But I'm sure that this is not just a far-fetched sympathy ... It's getting deeper, despite the connection only remotely.

Why don't you meet him live first? Internet communication is one thing, but when you see a person in real everyday life, he can be completely different - smell, feeling next to him, speech, manner of eating and dressing, non-verbal signs, sexual compatibility, ... Various little things that are very important in life. You don't know about it yet.

In order to make a choice - you need to make it from equivalent options. And on the one hand, you have several years of real life and a child with one man and, in fact, a "pig in a poke" in a relationship with another.

Divorce is the last option. There are also options such as "guest marriage" or "contract marriage" or even a temporary separation for a certain period of time with the preservation of relations. Maybe consider these possibilities as a start?

Lilka

Yes, of course, I understand with my head that life and the Internet are different things ... But it seems to me that I am not so demanding, but he is still a self-sufficient adult man, that there cannot be any such difficult moments that can push away from him. Ideally, I would like to meet, and I am inclined to believe that without it you won’t make a choice, but then again ... I’m afraid that while we wait for the opportunity to meet, my marriage will break his wife.
My husband and I tried to separate. For him, this is torture, he has great jealousy, despite all the pain without me, he would rather refuse altogether than live in obscurity, waiting for what I decide.

Well, let's say you chose the option of living with your beloved man. Tell me how you imagine your life together with him?
- Where will you live together?
- Who will earn?
- Where will you work?
- Who will do the housework (cleaning, cooking...)
- Who will your children be with? (and what kind of relationship he and you will have with them)
Who will his children be with? (and what will be his and your relationship with them)
How will his family react to this?
- How will your relatives react to this?
Etc. As detailed as possible.

Lilka

If I choose a man, I can’t immediately imagine a life together, I’m not ready for this, he is completely alien to me so far. I think it's reasonable to date but not live together... At first, I think I'll rent an apartment in my city, find a job in management (at the moment I'm at home with a child waiting for the garden, if the problem with the garden is not resolved, then the only way out is to go to work in the garden for a place for the child) I don’t count on help from a man or husband, my conscience won’t allow it, the children will stay with me, although the eldest child (11 years old) at our last expense wished to stay with dad (pull him out I don’t want to force it, but it’s also painful for me to leave the child with dad). The man will live at home ... And come to me, but when, the question is (now he is under investigation under the article of bringing his brother to suicide) we will spend time together ... We will get used to others physically, I can’t say when, but I think , I will gradually want more ... And then, of course, I will move to his city, because it is the capital ... His well-coordinated business is there, and it’s simply ridiculous to go to the outback for me, I plan to work in the same way, although the man does not consider it compulsory. If his child stays with him, this is already their family matter, I will accept any option. I will try to establish a trusting relationship with the boy, but he has a genetic disease with mental disorders, it scares me a little that I will not cope in the future, because this baby is a child for life. By the way, my youngest kid also has a mental illness, but it is much easier. I also really hope that a man will love my children, I will not allow them to offend ... And we will become a big friendly family. Taking care of the house will fall on me, this way of life in the head of a man ... But I hope for his help. Although, if he disappears at work, and his schedule is quite intense, then I understand that I have to cope on my own and provide comfort at home so that he wants to go home and he can really take a break from work. His relatives... He didn't have any left... Everyone left this year for another world... Only the distant ones, who, I think, don't care about his life... And the daughter-in-law of the second dead brother, I'm with her I'm friends ... Although it is bitter for her that I switched to my brother so much after the suicide of my beloved. My relatives are extremely negative about divorce, my mother is very scared for her grandchildren, that in the end I can be left alone. But she will calm down if she sees that I am in good hands.
Will I be able to build a family with a man, as I see it, I don’t know ... But I would really like to. Another important detail, earlier the man said that he was so tired of his marriage that he did not want a more serious relationship, but now he says that he thought about what he could do with me ... He also worries about me and understands that I have children and this situation is not good at all. He does not rush me to leave my husband, he gives us time to decide, and as I understand it, when he realizes that he is ready for co, only then will he talk about divorce.

So many different "ifs", but in general I see that you have a good idea of ​​this life.

Now let's consider the option that you stayed with your husband. What will this life be like? How will you feel in it? Also try to imagine it in as much detail as possible.

Lilka

With husband...
And then I think ... What is our life ... Probably, everything will continue like this.
He tries to provide for his family, but, unfortunately, not so much that we all feel comfortable, I won’t say that I have excessive requirements or I’m “mad with fat”, the financial issue has been acute throughout our marriage ... And this constantly presses that we cannot afford quite adequate benefits. I look forward to going to work in order to afford to pay for the sections in which I have long wanted to enroll and diversify my activities. Everything is calm for children, mom / dad together. We try to spend leisure time together, go out into nature, take walks... At such moments, we feel good with each other. It's strange, but I can't describe my real life in more detail and project the future in this direction... live...

It's like I don't live...

Yes it is. You have many ideas about "how it could be" and a detailed plan for the future. But you write very little about what problems you have in real life.

And another interesting point I noticed: above you write:

But it seems to me that I am not so demanding, but he is still a self-sufficient adult man, that there cannot be any such difficult moments that can push him away.

And now, when they described life with her husband, they nevertheless indicated one important moment for you:

He tries to provide for his family, but, unfortunately, not so much that we all feel comfortable, I won’t say that I have excessive requirements or I’m “mad with fat”, the financial issue has been acute throughout our marriage ... And this constantly presses that we cannot afford quite adequate benefits.

At the same time, when you described that man, you also mentioned the financial moment:

I do not count on help from a man or husband, just my conscience will not allow

It turns out that you do not expect financial support from that man, but you reproach this one.

His well-coordinated business is there, and it’s simply ridiculous to go to the outback for me, I plan to work in the same way, although the man does not consider this mandatory.

And here, too, about the same - that you will work with a new man yourself, and with your husband - you reproach him for not earning.

You have some kind of confusing attitude to money and security ...

Lilka

I do not reproach my husband, not with words, not within myself. I'm talking about the fact that the financial situation puts pressure on the relationship. Why the difference in attitude, because the husband is the head of the family and, in my understanding, responsible for providing for the family, at least elementary. At the same time, I do not put the wording "You are a husband, you earn money, and I will sit on my neck," I plan to go to work. And I am not working at the moment only because of the change of residence and the placement of the child in the garden. But I also don’t take drastic measures, because I still hope for my husband. And a man, until we become a family, does not owe me anything, just like my husband, with a divorce, I will cease to be his family and he will already provide for himself and a new family.

Review of the consultation

Lilka

Svetlana is tactful and polite. She spent a lot of her time on me. Alas, this consultation did not help me learn something new and solve my situation... But I don’t consider this a psychologist’s mistake, it’s just that such a format is not suitable for complex life problems.

Question to the psychologist:

Have a nice day. There was such a bad situation. We've been dating a guy for over two years. We study in different cities, but see each other from time to time, and he comes home for the summer. But lately everything has gone wrong, he has cooled off towards me and says that he has fallen out of love and we need to break up, because it will be better for both of us, so as not to drag out the problem. But I love him very much and of course I don't want to leave him. Before, everything was great with us, he was so attentive to me, said that he loved me, appreciated me, gave me flowers, talked a lot on the phone, spent a lot of time together. I visited him often and he was very happy about it. But things have gotten really bad in recent months. He says that he used to score on everything, and he only had me in his head, all his thoughts and actions were about me and for me. He had little contact with friends, scored at school, lived only with me. And now he allegedly took a sober look at the situation and says that he has fallen out of love. But nevertheless he says that he is afraid of losing me and that I am dear to him. Of course, I do not believe or simply do not want to believe that all these feelings on his part have passed. On my part, there are attempts to improve everything, since my feelings for him have not cooled, I still love him, appreciate him, respect him and want to be only with him. Previously, we had conversations that we might try to live together, but now he no longer wants this. Intimacy with us has become not as frequent a guest as it used to be. He seems to want to be with me, but he also says that there are almost no feelings left. He is a man with an iron character, and I was glad that I melted him and thought that this would always continue. But now everything is back the way it was before me. He cooled off. I understand that it can't be like before. He doesn't have feelings for another girl, that's what he says for sure. It just so happened that they cooled off towards me. What to do? How to proceed? How to figure it out? It’s better for us to be apart so that he can rest from me, perhaps he gets bored of those times, or vice versa, we need to get closer and spend more time with each other in order to fix everything and rekindle his feelings for me. I would be very grateful if you could help me sort out this situation.

The psychologist Yulia Vladimirovna Vasilyeva answers the question.

Hello Olga!

I carefully read your letter, I regret that you have such a situation with a young man. Let's figure it out together and we will definitely find a way out.

First of all, let's talk about how relationships are built between a man and a woman. The main thing to pay attention to is motivation. Why do you need a relationship: for sex, for spending time together, for creating a family?

Motivation determines the period of time the relationship exists. Intimate relationships will never bind people for a long time, because this does not require responsibility and serious feelings, just love or sympathy, in extreme cases, passion. Therefore, relationships built on sex will soon end. Joint pastime brings people together by common interests, friends or activities. Such relationships can develop into serious ones when people realize how they complement each other and have so much in common. When relationships are aimed at creating a family, then in this case, people create an alliance with responsibility and build their joint future on love and trust. Then there will be no reason to think: "I fell out of love", or "we are completely different people." Therefore, when people are looking for their soul mate, they pay attention to common interests, that is, something must connect them, except for pastels and passion. Interests can be different: art, sports, travel, needlework, books and much more. It is also important, after talking with a person, to understand what his life priorities are, whether they correspond to yours. For example: the priority may be family, children, parents, friends, work, hobbies. Where do you have them? So that it doesn’t turn out that for you the family comes first, and for a young man his friends come first. This is already a cause for conflict. It is imperative to discuss the issue of finances, their distribution, and the desire to work. There are families where only the husband works, and the wife takes care of the upbringing of the children. And of course, common goals. If you agree and are ready to build a joint future, what goals do you set for yourself? For example, finish your studies and move to live in Europe. Or, get married and immediately have children. Or actively work and buy a joint apartment. Pay attention to these facts, they will help you understand your relationship with a young man and understand whether it makes sense to continue to develop it or to end it better. You can discuss these issues together, then you will definitely understand your motivation and his.

If you make sure, Olga, that the relationship can still be saved, then pay attention to communication. Communication brings people very close. It should be every day so that you feel each other, see, say, as often as possible, how you love each other. Spend more time together: go for a walk, go to the cinema, to performances or concerts, discuss common topics, books, films, communicate with interesting people, make common plans for the future. If a young man still insists on parting with you, give him this right. Offer to take a break in the relationship, there will be time for you and him to analyze and understand what you are building on, and how long you are ready to be together. But do not let your trust and feelings be taken advantage of, because this is one of the methods of manipulation. Today he is ready to be near you, and tomorrow he realized that he had fallen out of love. A man who is ripe for a serious relationship with a woman knows what he wants. His actions and decisions are quite adequate and decisive. I understand, Olga, that you have feelings and emotional affection, but at the same time do not lose your dignity and value as a woman.