If there is no respect from a husband and a seemingly loving man, what to do and how to be in a similar situation? Some tips are given in this article, and the rest can be obtained by leaving your story in the comments.
The husband does not respect my parents, relatives, mother, my work, my opinion, my interests, feelings, girlfriends and friends
If the husband does not respect your parents and relatives, talk, say that they do not need his love, but he is obliged to respect them. It was these people who gave you education, raised you. If he doesn't stop insulting them, threaten to leave. If it doesn’t help, you can go to the extreme measure, ask the mother-in-law to talk to him.
Doesn't respect your work, stop doing something. If you don't like how the floors were washed, don't wash them.
If you don't appreciate the time spent in the kitchen, take care of yourself. In order for the husband to respect, it is not necessary from the very beginning of the relationship to creep in front of him, go on about. The mistake has already been made, then start defending your opinion in small steps. You don't have to be the perfect wife. The same goes for interests and feelings.
Does not respect your girlfriends and friends, take a closer look at them, maybe they really do not suit you. Sometimes we get used to people and stop noticing many shortcomings that can have a bad effect on us. If the girlfriends are ideal and there is nothing to complain about, let the husband justify the reason for the hostility, figure it out together.
What to do if the husband does not respect and insults, is rude, humiliates and is not afraid to lose, calls names, I sit roaring, I don’t know why
You are to blame for all this, you gave him a reason to behave this way. Stop pleasing, enjoy your life. Do not answer rudeness with rudeness. During insults, do not listen to him or say that the conversation is over, you are uncomfortable listening to this.
The guy does not respect the pregnant woman on maternity leave signs and how to behave
The guy will begin to be contemptuous of appearance, clothing. Can laugh. He constantly corrects, points out that you are behaving incorrectly, you are not talking like that. He does not listen to your opinion, does not ask how you are doing.
Interrupts, does not allow to speak. If desired, he may not spend the night at home, without even warning you about it.
It will take time to correct the situation. First, talk, make it clear that such a relationship does not suit you. You are ready to go to radical methods, divorce.
Husband says he doesn't love, but respects what it means
Perhaps this means that passion and desire have cooled down. It is worth considering whether you need such a relationship.
Soon he will declare that he has found the one he loves, but does not respect.
A husband does not respect his wife, it is worth breaking off relations, getting divorced advice from a psychologist
It's not worth it, it's better to try to gain respect. Prove that you are to be reckoned with. Most likely, you yourself are to blame for disrespect for you, humiliating yourself or running after your spouse. Forgiving and allowing more than you can.
Husband does not respect wife's child from first marriage
This is a serious argument for parting, if the child himself does not provoke such an attitude. For example, a teenager can drive any adult to extreme measures. In the case when the child is small, tell your husband that the child comes first for you. Respecting you, should respect your child.
1 comment
if a husband does not respect and does not appreciate his wife, how to behave seems to be clear only in practice, relationships are always very difficult (((
Question to the psychologist:
Hello! My husband and I have been married for 1 year, but in general we have been together for 5 years ... It turned out that his parents divorced when he was 14 years old ... He stayed with his brother and father, and his mother went to another ... My husband lived with brother and father in the same apartment ... When we started dating then it turned out that we started living with me with my parents and grandmother ... I don’t know, maybe it was the worst mistake, but for some reason the relationship between husband and my parents... They don't swear, they don't quarrel, there's no such thing, but he tries to avoid communication with my parents... He doesn't name anything... It's just you... If they say something or offer something, he starts grumbling about what to him at all don’t care and he’s not going to listen to anyone ... If he is asked to do something, he says that he doesn’t want to do anything for someone, be it an outlet or something else around the house ... Keep in mind that he is an electrician ... The essence in that he is not ready to do something for my parents, but for the parents of friends or for the friends themselves, he is always open ... It’s hard for me ... Both my husband and parents are important to me ... I just don’t know how I can I change the situation? They didn’t have any global quarrels, swearing, conflicts as they write here .. My parents are adequate ... It’s just that my husband treats them in no way ... He just doesn’t perceive ... And he says that they enrage him and he would generally he has never seen or talked to anyone and that he has nothing to communicate with them, that these are not his people ... Well, he treats my dad even more or less normally ... There were just a couple of situations when parents tried to impose on us something ... Basically it was my mother ... That we won’t invite one of the relatives for a birthday, be offended or to a wedding when we ourselves saved up for our wedding and organized it ... My husband was terribly infuriated ... What who it climbs and we always have to do something for someone, and not for ourselves. Help me with advice ... Maybe I can influence the situation? Or is it not fixable because they lived together?
The psychologist Barabash Elena Anatolyevna answers the question.
Hello Alena!
You cannot change your husband's attitude towards your parents.
For him, they are strangers, he has feelings for you, and not for your parents, he is forced to come to terms with the situation, since he himself cannot provide his family with housing. This, most likely, inflames the situation even more, causing him feelings of insolvency, a hopeless situation.
The best way out of the situation is to rent an apartment.
You write "... It's hard for me... Both my husband and parents are important to me... I just don't know how I can influence the situation..." - now look at the situation from the perspective of your husband. He lives among strangers to him, they try to manage his time, desire and impose what is not important to him. He needs your support. When you accept the position of parents, he remains alone. If you do not support him, he will find this support elsewhere...
Offer your husband to solve the problem by renting a house. So you do not have to make a choice between parents and husband - you have your own, new family ... And go to visit your parents.
I don't know if my question has a biblical basis, but I have a misunderstanding. My husband is away for a while and I am taking care of our daughter myself until he returns. Sometimes grandparents come to visit us. My mother fulfills all my requirements in relation to the child and everything is in order. But on the part of my husband's parents, I get the impression that they have no respect for me. When we knew each other for a short time, they answered my cell phone when I was in the bath, they were indignant when I asked to wash my hands after the road before taking the child in my arms, they do not respect my privacy even when they come to us into the house, enter my room unannounced. Once they caught me while feeding a child, when I was half naked, like at home (in a public place I would be more attentive, but in my room, with closed doors, I was not careful), and also do some things with which I am not I agree and they do not care, although I asked them not to do this. Now I want to ask - is it called lack of respect for parents if I impose my views on raising a child? Should I prioritize my daughter's health or the fact so as not to offend them? Can I express my opinion, of course with respect, even at the risk of offending them, but not at the risk of offending God? I beg you to answer me, the atmosphere is very tense and there is a struggle in my mind. I really need advice.
Yes, this question has a biblical basis. But before I give the biblical reference, I want to say that I don't think your husband's parents are being disrespectful towards you. It is very good of them that they come to you and want to be near you. My guess is that they let you answer your cell phone when you were in the bathroom because they consider you their daughter and family member. So I don't see anything wrong with that, and I don't think you've been called by someone you don't want your father-in-law to know about. In the family, everyone trusts each other and there is nothing wrong if someone answers the phone instead of someone who cannot pick up the phone at the moment. I think that in the family of your father-in-law there has always been a relationship of trust and this prompted them to answer when the phone rang.
Regarding washing your hands before approaching your granddaughter, it seems to me that you are also exaggerating and fathers-in-law have a legitimate motive to feel uncomfortable and disrespectful of you. I don't think they came to your house with very dirty hands. Then of course they would wash them. And then, this cleanliness and exaggerated care when people wash their hands before touching a small child did not exist in their time. Also, did you know that these children, who were treated with such excessive care by their mother, then suffer from various allergies only because they did not develop the elementary immunity that every person should have. But then again, I was not there and did not see what the hands of your fathers-in-law were like. But even if it were necessary to wash their hands before picking up the baby, it is necessary to tell them with all due respect and make sure that you have not offended them. If you offended them, it means that you said something wrong.
As for the time when you were breastfeeding and your husband's parents came into your room without knocking, I think that this is something normal for their family and never bothered them. In this case, it is good to tell them about it, but again, be very careful not to offend them. After all, it's better to lock the door next time than provoke resentment in their hearts.
God teaches us in the Word of God to love one another and we find these words about the behavior of someone who loves:
Love is patient merciful, love does not envy, love does not exalt itself, does not pride itself, does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not irritated, does not think evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; covers everything believes everything, hopes everything endures everything. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
Like any person, you may wish that your father-in-laws knew and observed these words. However, I advise you to love them as they are and behave with longsuffering and mercy, God help you!
Translation: Moses Natalia
Question to the psychologist:
Good afternoon Please help me understand if I am right that I think that my husband does not respect me without respecting my parents? This has been going on for a long time, I have been married for 8 years. For some reason, often when we quarrel, the husband begins to switch to the personalities of my parents in a quarrel. Either my dad is not like him, then my mom. It hurts for my parents, they gave me life, education, they respect my husband, they always collect food for us, help us out with money when we have financial problems, they are always ready to help. I want to say that my parents are elderly, now 70 years old. When my dad calls my husband, my husband doesn't pick up the phone. Doesn't want to talk. Papa is offended, he began to feel it, that they simply don’t want to talk to him, I start a conversation with my husband, why is he like that, he says that my dad is talking nonsense and he doesn’t want to talk to him, and so we have word for word and scandal. The husband says that we quarrel because of your parents, your dad is sick. I tell my husband that we quarrel not because of our parents, but because of your attitude towards them, you do not respect them. He replies that he respects, but he has nothing to talk about with them. I'm in so much pain. I shield my husband in front of my parents that everything is not as they think. My husband does not hear me, he cannot understand that his attitude towards my relatives hurts me. After all, they are always ready to help us. Sometimes I think about divorce, but it hurts a lot, I became very attached to our marriage, but it hurts a lot. This quarrel every week, every. In addition to this, I am now having a difficult period, I lost a child a few months ago. Sometimes because of my husband's misunderstanding, I think even though it's scary about death. Because after quarrels, after a certain period, he begins to say how much he loves me and will not give me away, I feel sorry for him and feel sorry for my parents. It just breaks me. With a calm conversation, that his attitude towards his parents hurts me, that they respect him, how they treat his son, he does not perceive, he starts screaming and I scream and cry in response. Vicious circle. Moreover, I respect his relatives, I always smile and am glad to communicate, because I always believed that this is how it should be in the family.
The psychologist answers the question.
Hello Irina!
I don’t understand your doubts at all, since your family is a part of you. And indeed, while respecting you, the husband is obliged to respect your parents, whatever they may be, and whatever he does not like about them. Everything is pretty obvious here.
The only thing your husband is right about is that he cannot communicate with them at your behest. Even despite the fact that your parents often help and rescue you in difficult times, the husband should not feel guilty for something before them, bend through his principles and be grateful. It seems to me that by the good deeds of your parents you are blackmailing him and forcing him to communicate, which is fundamentally wrong.
It can really be difficult for a person to find a common language with your dad, there really is nothing to talk about, especially when they are forced to do this: even any desire to talk that has appeared disappears with an onslaught and quarrels.
Maybe your father calls too often and your husband gets bored with such daily communication about nothing.
The husband married you, not your parents, so it is quite clear that he is not very interested in coming up with topics for conversation every time. Calling a couple of times a month is enough, you can call your parents every week and be interested in their affairs, send greetings from your husband, but what does your husband have to do with it?
Quarrels, sobbing, divorce, suicide - to be honest, these are just your stupid reasons to make your husband do what you want.
You wrote that fighting every week - no wonder he's tired of "talk to dad."
Hello, dear Rav Essas! It is written in our books that after marriage, the wife should be in the first place with her husband, more important than his parents, and he should also honor her more. What to do if the wife herself does not respect her husband's parents. And at the request of her husband about the respect of parents - no response.
Alexei, Volgograd
You, without suspecting it, put forward a very important and widespread problem for discussion. And this, in fact, is not about your attitude towards your wife and not about her disrespect for your parents ... Undoubtedly, this is also important and of great importance. However, in my opinion, these and similar intra-family issues pale, so to speak, against the background of a more general, fundamental problem, from which grow many of the difficulties that arise on the path of approaching the Jewish way of life. About it, about this problem, we need to talk here first of all. I mean the abstract, detached from life development of our worldview, accepted in our tradition of Jewish practical rules and customs. More than once during the years of teaching I found myself in situations where my students approached me with a treatise of the Talmud in their hands or a volumeShulkhan Arukhand, pointing a finger at a certain paragraph of the text, they said: “Here it is written how a Jewish wife should behave with her husband, but mine does not understand this at all and does not behave like that.” Apparently, I was supposed to give my wife a rabbinical instruction on how she should communicate with her husband. Or, it happened, one of the students simply said that he was studying a treatise of the Talmud, which speaks of the relationship between husband and wife. And now, after reading all this, he, they say, cannot get married, because he does not see women around who would have approximately the same “parameters” and views. Absolutely the same, like a blueprint, claims to their husbands - from married women and from girls looking for a groom - to young people. “After all, it is written,” they repeated, “how a husband (young man) should behave. But in life everything is different for some reason.
I have been living in Israel for over 30 years. During this time, they shared their impressions with me more than once, telling me that in many Jewish religious families here, according to their observations, there is a calm, benevolent atmosphere, built, among other things, on respect for each other husband and wife, and reverence for elders. At the same time, the narrators complained that they had not yet succeeded in achieving this in their own families. Frankly, I am not inclined to believe that in the Jewish religious world everything is "saints" and "angels". This, of course, is far from true. But here one must be very clearly aware and aware of the fact that the life principles and positive behavior of the religious Jews in question are not due to the abstract study of our books and the mechanical application of the knowledge extracted from them in everyday reality. No, this is the result of three thousand years of practice in Jewish life. When these very principles and manner of behavior, as they say, are "imbibed with mother's milk" and acquired from a father living in a Jewish way, and he, the father, adopted them from his father. So are women. They receive traditions from their mother, who learned all this from her mother.
What is written in the Talmud and inShulkhan Arukhefor them, not abstract ideas, but part of life reality, life experience. And a lot for them goes without saying. If only because they saw and see all this in the family of their parents, grandparents, older brothers and sisters, cousins and sisters, etc., etc. Of course, someone stumbles, someone even moves away from it. But we are talking about something else. The topic of our conversation is how to be a Jew, how to live as a Jew for a husband, wife, and parents, building relationships with children, and children in communication with their parents.
Unlike traditional religious Jews, who have absorbed the thousand-year (!) experience of a truly Jewish existence into their consciousness and subconsciousness, a person of our circles who begins to study our laws (we will conditionally call him a “former Soviet Jew”, even if he was born and grew up in post-Soviet times) gradually learns all this from acquaintances or from books. From them he draws ideas and principles. And who knows how he perceives this and understands how what he read from books is transformed into his ideas about Jewish life, how it is expressed in reality, etc.
“Former Soviet Jews” were cut off from Jewish life for almost 100 years (we are not interested in these or those exceptions here). And not only did they not lead a Jewish way of life (there is no vacuum - “nature does not tolerate emptiness”), but they lived like non-Jews. Moreover, mixed marriages were en masse.
In such a situation, one must begin to build Jewish life - not with abstract attempts to "correspond" to one or another rule found in the Talmud (of course, like everything else in the Talmud, true and wise) or, say, some separate paragraph inShulkhan Arukhe. After all, in order to understand with your mind and heart, for example, one paragraph inShulkhan Arukhe, it is necessary to properly assimilate others, say, 300 paragraphs and comments to them. You have to start from scratch in a sense. From the basics of everything, that is, in order, firstly, to become a truly kind person (in Hebrew, in the symbol -derech erez), and secondly, to discover and develop in oneself a sense of reverence, respect for the Almighty, the Jewish people and the Jewish way of life. If this is not the case, then almost always, one can say - nothing will happen. And if it is, you can tune in to it by adding everything else. And then the true understanding of the essence of our tradition will gradually come.
And now let's try to project the above on the problem, the essence of which you outlined in your letter.
And here, as I see it, the question arises: is a truly kind person capable of showing disrespect to the parents of his "second half"? Do you really need some references to pages of treatises and articles in collections of laws in order to respect her (second half) father and mother? That's where the problem is. That's what you really need to do seriously. Try as far as possible to understand the human qualities and life positions of your wife.
Does she believe in the Almighty, and what does this faith mean to her? Does she realize that a Jew must live as a Jew and, if so, what does this mean in her understanding, and what, according to her ideas, needs to be done? What should be expressed, in her opinion, mutual assistance and mutual support in the family? What, in her opinion, should a husband and wife get rid of, developing and strengthening this line of relations? And so on.
All this, of course, applies not only to your wife, but to the same extent to you. And in general - to everyone who wants to get closer to the Almighty, to live the way the Jewish people have traditionally lived for many centuries and come out on this road. Everything stated here, of course, is only the beginning of the conversation.
I hope that this answer will help many people not to wander into dead-end, unpromising "lanes" and choose the main path. Of course, adjusted for the individual characteristics of each.
Rav Eliyahu Essas answered
