Question to the psychologist:

The fact is that I do not feel and do not see love and understanding for me from my mother.

Since, I always call her with the hope that I will receive support and understanding from her, kind words, but in response I hear only NOT kind words. Whatever happens there, whatever happens there, in her opinion, I am always bad. Not once did she intercede for me, for example, in a quarrel or dispute with her older sister. The older sister is from 1984 and I am from 1991. She is a leader, I always listen to her, but she reaches the limit, she begins to become impudent, I endure all this and keep quiet. She always provokes me into a conflict, and if I defend myself a little, God forbid, if I defend myself, that's all, for my mother I am an egoist. Even when I am silent, I endure, they don’t see it and don’t appreciate it, in the end they just bring me to tears, I enter into myself, I’m looking for support on the side, since there is no support in the family, I have to look for it on the side, not everyone understands, and Therefore, I turn to a psychologist. It is very difficult to endure and silently listen to their insult in your address out of the blue. Also, my sister manipulates all my relatives, sets everyone up against me, as a result, no one talks to me, if I speak, they begin to put pressure, run into, insult again. I myself am a disabled person of the 2nd group, and I try not to be nervous so as not to harm my health. Sometimes it seems that it would be better for me to die than to endure all this, but then I think that God loves me, and He tests me through such people, through such a family. But, it’s hard, sometimes you want to run away, you don’t see anyone, don’t answer calls, leave them all, they still don’t need me. Since there are no warm words from anyone, attention, support, love. Many people receive support and love from their mother, from family, from relatives, it’s just the opposite for me, I myself am looking for people who understand me on the side, it’s very hard. But, nevertheless, I manage to find it, and it becomes a little easier for me. But every time I talk to my mother or my older sister, who has written on the corner since childhood, how she hates me. In front of strangers, he talks to me very nicely, and when alone, he finds any reason to insult me, offend me to the fullest, bring me to tears. At the same time, she keeps the Fast in the month of Ramadan, and she still behaves this way, the feeling is that this is for the purpose of being invited to visit, show more respect, and so on. Although God will condemn it, and yet, it is very hard for me. How to get out of such a morally difficult situation.

The psychologist Evgenia Vasilievna Varaksina answers the question.

Hello Saltanat!

The family is a wonderful and interesting thing. We are born in it as children and in it we become adults. How is the position of an adult different from the position of a child? The child needs to receive: food, care, love and care from parents. Otherwise, he simply will not survive.

What is the adult position? This is the position of giving love, attention, care, material support.

You are 25 years old, and only you can decide which position you choose. You can continue to feel sorry for yourself (including because of the state of your health), wait and demand care and love, or start giving it to people yourself. I wrote to you directly, without embellishment. Why? Believe me, I know what it means to feel sorry for yourself and make claims to the world (this happened when my father died). This path leads only to the destruction of oneself and one's health, and this is too high a price. We are born to be happy, not to be offended.

And if you still decide to choose the position of an adult in the family :) how to start realizing it?

First, start watching. The child is always "in the game", he is included in the situation and does not see it from the outside. If, for example, a child plays a board game, he wants to win with all his might, all emotions are included in the game. How does an adult behave? He watches the game, the child, and wants not so much to win the board game (for his own benefit) as to please the child (for the benefit of another). Do you understand what I mean? You are now completely in the game, with all your strength and emotions you want to win (to prove that your sister is wrong, that she is selfish, that her mother supports her in vain). Exit the game. Watch your family members from the sidelines like actors on a stage. Where they are being selfish, say within yourself, "It's too bad they haven't learned this yet." Learn from their mistakes and treat people differently. Watch from the sidelines. Stop playing one performance with them, you have your own life and you were born to learn how to be happy in this life.

The position of an adult assumes giving and giving. Do not expect something from loved ones, start taking care of yourself, paying attention to them and other people, supporting them. All people, regardless of their financial situation, are spiritually rich or poor. The poor require attention, care, love, the rich give it to others themselves. Start doing creativity (music, painting, dancing, photography, embroidery - whatever you are interested in) and share this creativity with other people (via social networks or in person, with family and friends or just with those who have similar interests).

An adult person has decided on his values ​​and faith. If you believe in God, imagine every day that you are his favorite child. The family cannot always give us protection and love, but God can always give them. Curl up in bed in the morning before you get up, like a baby in a mother's belly, and think "I am God's favorite child. I came into this world because God loves me. In this life, he gives me everything I need." NEEDED FOR DEVELOPMENT." Feel protected and loved and get up filled with this love and share it with people. Learn not to criticize and reproach, but to care, and if you can’t find a common language with someone at all, step aside and observe.

Not often and not everyone will come up with the idea that a mother may not love her own child. Much more often, motherly love is presented as something that is not subject to any conditions, something absolute and even divine. Many believe that maternal love is the same for all women, that a mother will not only understand and support any of her children, but will also forgive for the most serious crime. It seems that there is nothing stronger than the love of a mother. However, this is not always true, and not all mothers love their children in the same way.\r\n\r\nAll social ideas about life and people have always been based on maternal love, and if not lucky, then on maternal dislike. Usually conflicts between mothers and children occur because children do not agree with how their own mother loves them. In turn, mothers are also not always able to correctly assess the degree and quality of their love for children.\r\n\r\nOver time, grown-up daughters also suffer from discomfort and a lack of motherly love and attention. Sometimes this affects their future fate and how they build their relationships with people around them. Critical mothers may spend their entire adult lives picking on their children, most often their daughters. They are trying to raise adult children who already have children of their own. And then these same mothers complain about the little attention their children give them.\r\n\r\n \r\n

\r\nThe most paradoxical thing in such a situation is that the daughters of such mothers are trying to the last to get approval from the parent, to see a smile on their face and, perhaps, to hear words of praise from them. But such mothers will not change. Unfortunately, this fact can be difficult to understand and accept, although this is the only way to get out of the vicious circle.\r\n\r\n

\r\n\r\nPsychologists recommend coming to terms with the situation and accepting as a fact the fact that the mother does not love. If you accept this, then life will become much easier. It will be possible to build your own life without regard to the opinion of the mother. In addition, in such a situation one should not be at enmity with the parent, mothers live quite peacefully under the same roof with their children, whom they do not love, but do not deny their existence. It's just that their communication takes place on a slightly different level. They can respect each other as individuals, but at the same time not invade personal space. The main thing to remember is that the mother will not change. Therefore, it is better to let go of the situation, and live your life, where you can have a loving husband and children.

In the public consciousness, the idea of ​​the union of mother and daughter, based on mutual, indissoluble, enduring love, exists as a sacred truth, exceptions from which are inadmissible according to the highest moral laws. And what happens in life? Elena Verzina, psychologist, candidate of medical sciences, tells.

Note that mammals, which include the species Homo sapiens - lionesses, chimpanzees, dolphins, and even birds - eagles, swans, penguins, they also feed, raise and train their cubs, dolphins, penguins, until they can start an independent life. True, unlike women, representatives of the animal world become pregnant, give birth and take care of their offspring, obeying only the call of nature.

A woman gives birth to a child consciously and does it for herself.

Only for myself! To satisfy the biological instinct of procreation; in order to realize oneself in the role of a mother according to civilizational tradition and the commandments of religion; to create a family with a beloved man and live surrounded by loving children; to have someone to take care of her in her old age; just for their own health or even to receive maternity capital. We do not consider here unplanned children who are born because "it happened"; but after the birth of a child, as a rule, love for the newborn is born with him, with an irresistible need to take care of him - that very maternal instinct! And what is a daughter's love for her mother - also an instinct, or a programmed heartfelt feeling embedded in her heart when it beat under her mother's heart, or is it a conscious feeling of gratitude to her mother, who gave her life and accompanied her on a difficult path of becoming, or is it the performance of a duty prescribed by morality, while the failure to perform this duty will inevitably be awarded universal condemnation?

Alas, there are many everyday stories when daughters have negative feelings for their mothers -

deep, hidden feelings, even in spite of outwardly good attitude towards them. Psychologists know how common these feelings are. It is very difficult for daughters who are experiencing this to admit this not only to a psychologist, but also to themselves, except perhaps to bring their pain to an Internet forum, since an open statement and communication with friends in misfortune alleviates the pain and, moreover, remains anonymous. It is pain, because the loss of a feeling of love for a mother is destructive for the psyche, this loss undermines the daughter's confidence in her moral viability and threatens the formation of a healthy relationship with her own children.

Or maybe this is just a myth about holy love for a mother, created and cultivated in society in the interests of its stability, reproducibility, preservation of family cells, and it is quite possible to move from holiness to balance, from a taboo topic to an interested analysis? Let's pose the question point-blank.

Is a loving attitude towards a mother an innate, eternal manifestation of daughter feelings? And are we entitled to say that an adult daughter is immoral, if instead of the beautiful “My mother is the best mother in the world!” she dares to say: “She broke my life, but as a child she gave me her love, and I cannot help being grateful to her” or the most transcendent:

I don't love my mother.

We do not consider here childish, well-studied by psychologists, manifestations of childish grievances, subconscious complexes (Electra or Oedipus complexes), conscious manipulations by parents aimed at satisfying children's "wants", or reactions to quarrels of adult family members, among which the child is forced to choose one of the sides. . Of course, one cannot ignore the friction in relations with the mother that arose in the daughter in childhood, but in plastic childhood there are enough proven psychological methods that, with an attentive attitude towards the child, make it possible to overcome tension by the time of the transition from adolescence to adolescence. Adolescence comes early, and with it, girls begin to feel like adults. Let's listen to the voices of adult daughters (after all, we will forever remain their parents), we will try to see the origins of spiritual trouble on the example of one of them.

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Oksana. 50 years old, a late child, with a higher education, lived with her mother and her husband. Two years ago I buried my mother, who in the last months of her life after a stroke was bedridden. At the same time, she did not get tired of repeating that because of her mother’s illness, she denied herself life outside of the fulfillment of her filial duty. And after the death of her mother, Oksana's life is painted in dull tones of enduring misfortune. What is hidden behind this sad fate, why does Oksana clearly want to be unhappy?

Oksana's mother did not love her husband, the girl's father, and clearly demonstrated her dislike, disrespect for him. As a girl, Oksana always took the side of her powerful and successful mother and, like her mother, neglected her father. After graduation, she fell in love with a good guy from another city. But to leave, to leave my mother?

Impossible, mom can not be abandoned.

Then there was a marriage in his city, already without much love, with another good guy who sincerely loved Oksana. But the mother so actively helped her daughter's family in everyday life, in organizing her relationship with her husband, in raising her grandson, that the husband could not stand it and left. Oksana stayed with her mother alone, and soon remarried a foolish man, a loser (she really wanted to feel her superiority, so it was no coincidence that a weak man was next to her), whom her mother really disliked and with a restrained arrogant attitude pointed her son-in-law to his place.

And then, at a very respectable age, my mother herself got married, brought her husband to the house, so after a while Oksana and her husband had to provide physical assistance to the elderly couple. Mom's new husband died, mom fell ill, Oksana looked after her "as expected",

but she did it somehow very harshly, angrily, unkindly, nervously,

the way a very strict mother behaves towards her child, as if she suddenly got the opportunity to command the one to whom she had been subordinate all her life.

Now she tirelessly mourns her mother, and everyone around should remember this loss. There is no one who deprived a daughter of her father's love, who destroyed her first marriage, involuntarily forced her to look after an old man who was not her own, but who served as an excuse for her daughter's unfulfilled fate. How dare she leave forever! Grieving for the loss, the daughter lives today with a sense of uncompensated guilt, both her own and her mother's guilt before her. Being unhappy is her excuse today. Does she love her unforgettable mother?

Yes, of course, but with a strange love, like the victim of his tormentor.

In general, those who did not know the discomfort in relations with their mother cannot even imagine how many young women in the world suffer from the realization of their dislike for their mother, looking for a way out of this unbearable state. On the other hand, there are many who managed to get sick, overcome the guilt that destroys them in front of their mother - guilt for not loving her, get away from the stereotype of selfless love for kindred care and restrained signs of attention, and even allow themselves to open up: “I don’t love mother". Thus, they are trying to save themselves from a painful, unnatural break with their mother, to whom they owe their birth. But we must admit that if this is a cure, then it is only temporary, and the disease is recurrent. It is hardly possible to definitively step aside from the unique bond between mother and child. Maybe find a cure.

If a young woman cannot overcome the pain in herself because she does not love her mother, cannot overcome indifference or pacify hatred for her, then we must try to understand, for example, with the help of a psychoanalyst, why an unhealthy relationship has developed with her mother, recognize the insurmountability of the collapse that has occurred and let go of this pain: do not judge your mother, but forgive yourself, maintaining an accessible, neutral form of relationship, especially since mothers grow old with age, and daughters in any case will not do without taking care of them.

Such girls then make the same mistakes in relationships, without realizing the reason. That's why, please watch what you say to your children!

Photo source: alwaysbusymama.com

"Mom doesn't love me!"

For daughters who grew up knowing they were not loved, emotional wounds remain that largely determine their future relationship and how they build their lives.

Most importantly, the daughter's need for motherly love does not disappear. even after she realizes it's impossible.

Photo source: hsmedia.ru

This need lives on in her heart along with the terrible realization that the only person who should love her unconditionally, just for being her, doesn't. Dealing with this feeling sometimes takes a lifetime.

What is fraught with mother's dislike?

The saddest thing is that sometimes, having already matured, girls do not know the reason for their failures and believe that they themselves are to blame for all the problems.

Photo source: bancodasaude.com

1. Lack of self-confidence

Unloved daughters of unloving mothers don't know they deserve attention in their memory there was no feeling that they were loved at all.

The girl could grow up, getting used day by day only to the fact that she was not heard, ignored, or, even worse, she was closely watched and criticized for her every move.

Photo source: womanest.ru

Even if she has obvious talents and achievements They don't give her confidence. Even if she has a soft and accommodating character, her head continues to sound mother's voice, which she perceives as her own,- she is a bad daughter, ungrateful, she does everything out of spite, “in whom such a thing has grown, others have children like children” ...

Many people say as adults that they still have the feeling that they are "deceiving people" and their talents and character are fraught with some kind of flaw.

Photo source: bodo.ua

2. Lack of trust in people

It always seemed strange to me why someone wants to be friends with me, I began to wonder if there was some benefit behind this.

Such thoughts arise from a general sense of the unreliability of the world., which is experienced by a girl whose mother either brings her closer to her, or pushes her away.

Photo source: sitewomen.com

She will continue to need constant confirmation that feelings and relationships can be trusted, that she will not be pushed away the next day.

And as adults they crave emotional storms, ups and downs, breaks and sweet reconciliations. True love for them is an obsession, an all-consuming passion, witchcraft, jealousy and tears.

Photo source: manlogic.ru

Calm trusting relationships seem to them either unrealistic(they just can't believe it happens), or boring. A simple, non-demonic man will most likely not attract their attention.

3. Difficulties in defending one's own boundaries

Many of those who grew up in an atmosphere of cold indifference or constant criticism and unpredictability say that they constantly felt the need for maternal affection, but at the same time understood that they did not know any of the ways to get it.

What elicited a benevolent smile today may be rejected with irritation tomorrow.

Photo source: foto-cat.ru

And already as adults, they continue to look for a way to appease partners or friends, to avoid repeating that motherly coldness at all costs.

In addition to the difficulty in establishing healthy boundaries with the opposite sex, Daughters of unloving mothers often have problems with friendships.

Photo source: womancosmo.ru

4. Avoidance as a defensive reaction and as a life strategy

A girl who felt maternal dislike in her childhood, somewhere in the depths of her soul feels fear: “I don’t want to be offended again.”

For her, the world is made up of potentially dangerous men., among which in some unknown way you need to find your own.

Photo source: familyexpert.ru

6. Excessive sensitivity, "thin skin"

It is also difficult for such unloved daughters in childhood to cope with their emotions, because they did not have the experience of unconditional acceptance of their value, which allows them to stand firmly on their feet.

7. Search for maternal relationships in relationships with men

We are attached to what we know which is part of our childhood, whatever it befalls us.

Photo source: iuvaret.ru

Only years later I realized that my husband treated me the same way as my mother, and I chose him myself. Even the first words that he said to me in order to get acquainted were: “Did you yourself come up with this way to tie this scarf? Take it off." Then I thought it was very funny and original.

Why are we talking about this now, when we have already grown up?

Not in order to throw in despair those cards that fate dealt us. Everyone has their own.

And in order to realize how we act and why. And in relation to their children as well.

Prepared by: Maria Malygina

5 Sep 1 3345

Julia Goryacheva: At 33, I realized that I did not love my mother. That I would like to give her up, delete her from my life… or I would like to change her (no matter how absurd it sounds) to a friendly, smiling, calm, soft, kind, understanding and, most importantly, accepting woman. Communication with her in recent years brings me nothing but negative emotions and, as a result, spent and unrecovered nerves.

No, not an alcoholic, not a drug addict, not a promiscuous woman. On the contrary, it is very correct, one might even say exemplary. In every way. Or rather, he wants to appear like that. And I already got these double standards!

Let's start with the fact that my mother loved to repeat all her life how she loves children, how she understands them, and how she knows how to find a common language with them. Only she gave me to be raised by her parents, after parting with my father. And then, many years later, she told me that she actually wanted to have an abortion with me, because her relationship with her dad was already on the verge, but then she decided: “Yes, that I won’t raise a child!” and gave me life ... so that later I could run away with my father and throw me away to be raised by my grandparents in another city, supposedly it was impossible to live in a hostel with children.

And I lived without my mother from one and a half to five years. She likes to repeat that she came to me every weekend, but for some reason I don’t remember her. Now, at the age of 33, already having my own three children, I am struck by the thought that in my childhood I do not remember the Main Figure of my life. I remember her sister, who came every summer, but I don’t remember her mother. Or rather, I remember one day when my grandparents told me that my mother would come today. And I was waiting for her, so waiting! But she didn't come. Probably since then I don’t remember her ...

After parting with my father, my mother deprived me of the opportunity to meet and communicate with him. She said unpleasant things about him, like he could kidnap me, urged me not to go anywhere with him when he came to my kindergarten. As a result, when he came to visit me in the 1st grade, I ran away from him, following my mother's precepts. He didn't come again.

Together with my mother, I lived my school and student years.

She was never gentle and affectionate with me and never hugged me, arguing that life is a complicated thing and she does not want to grow a nurse out of me. In general, she raised me in such a way that I was afraid of her. I was afraid to disobey, I was afraid to object, I was even afraid to confess to her when I was pawed by an English teacher, to whom she also attached me for private lessons.

My mother always loved helping her girlfriends solve relationship problems. She, a divorced woman, considered herself a guru in the relationship of a man and a woman. She always glued families, urging her friends not to get divorced under a hot hand. And only to me she liked to repeat: “Divorce your husband!” If I complained to her in my hearts about him. The apotheosis was when she called her husband's cell phone last year and also suggested that he divorce me after our skirmish. Since then, I have not told her anything, no matter what difficulties in the relationship I have.

And she also loves to brag in public about what wonderful grandchildren she has. Now there are already three of them. And I'm expecting my fourth child. But the last two might not have been - listen to my mother and do sterilization after the second child. She decided that I had enough children, that the weather, born through a caesarean section, was too hard for me. She even convinced me before the birth of my second child to agree with the doctor about sterilization. Thanks to my doctor, she said, “No way. Then you will want a boy and you will run after me with a knife. Then I really gave birth to a boy, and myself, at home, feeling the birth the way it was intended by nature. By the way, this is to the question of how much mother loves children ....

Also to the question of mother's love for children - mother's psychosis about my prolonged breastfeeding of my son. Mom probably considers herself an expert in breastfeeding. She stopped breastfeeding me when I was a month old, simply because the children's clinic told her that I was not gaining weight well because she had low-fat milk. Now she is sure that guards after a year does not give anything good to the child. Since I fed my daughters for up to a year, there were no conflicts. They started when my mother saw me feeding my son at the age of one year and 2 months. She is an expert, she knows that after a year there is nothing useful for a child in milk, and with this worthless feeding I only want to tie my son to me more when I “shove a boob into his mouth.” How many unkind looks and caustic remarks were directed at me when I fed my son with her. In the end, I couldn't take it.

I rarely explode, but here I already got it! The person who fed for a month will still teach me how much I should feed my child! I was indignant, and immediately learned a lot about myself. She said things that were very offensive to me: that I am a nervous mother, that I do not look after children well, that I am nothing of myself, that I am a bad daughter ... When I asked in tears of despair, “Mom, well, there is something in me anything good?" She angrily hissed "No!" It was very painful to hear and it became a turning point in our relationship with her. And literally an hour before that, she told the guests what wonderful parents my husband and I had raised such children. Those double standards again!

For my mother, I represent value only as a being capable of benefiting society. When I studied, spoke at conferences, wrote articles, led an active lifestyle, had numerous hobbies, changed jobs - my mother was proud of me. Then I, in my mother's understanding, lived. In the last 6 years, my life has stopped, as I have been giving birth and raising children all this time. With each child, mother liked to repeat: “It’s time to do something, you stayed at home.”

And for some reason, it doesn’t matter at all that as a result of my 6-year stay at home, my children are healthy (lack of vaccinations, hardening), active (walks in the fresh air in large numbers), creative (attending circles), cheerful and sociable ( there is a lot of time for games in their life, and the game for me is the most important thing that should be in a child’s childhood). The third child, born at home, generally has excellent health and is developing well.

No, for mom, something else is important. It turns out that I am a bad housewife (I cook porridge not in the way she thinks is right and don’t clean the apartment in a timely manner), a bad mother (I yell at the children) and a bad wife (I talk with my husband in raised tones and sometimes (oh horror!) I swear with him with children). Mom likes to emphasize that she never quarrels with her husband (she has a second marriage, got married at 47). Only I somehow became an unwitting witness to how she yelled at her husband. One illusion crumbled. And then, after all, I used to think: “Yeah, my mother doesn’t swear with her husband, so she lives right, I swear, so I live wrong.” And only recently I realized that everyone swears. It's only my mom who wants to look better than she is. Oh, how she feels sorry for our children when we swear. Previously, such phrases of hers drove me into a wild sense of guilt in front of the children. And only recently I realized that it’s better to let the children live in a full-fledged family where anything can happen than the way I spent my childhood: mom and dad didn’t swear simply because they didn’t exist in my childhood. But my grandfather and grandmother, with whom I grew up, quarreled.

Another story is my relationship with my husband.

We have been together for almost 10 years and I consider it my achievement that I manage to maintain a relationship with him and save my family, partly despite this stupid statistics that the children of divorced parents will definitely get divorced. I love my husband and can't imagine another man next to me.

Sometimes it seems to me that my mother is depressing. It would be much more pleasant for her to repeat her script. I used to be foolish to tell her about my fights with my husband. And she was immediately inspired, started calling me, urging me to throw him to hell, pick up the children and move in with her (she is in another city). And there she will arrange my life. As one of my friends joked, “Your mom wants to be your husband.” Both sad and funny.

My mother especially “supported” me when my husband had a serious accident this year. Soft-boiled machine, sternum fracture, surgery. He miraculously survived. I went through a terrible period, realizing that he was on the verge of death. On the part of my mother: not a drop of sympathy, not an ounce of understanding, although at that time we were on the same territory. Moreover, she reproached my six-year-old daughter for being too naughty when she saw her father's wrecked car and decided that her father had died. To which I exploded: “A child has the right to express her emotions as she sees fit and there is nothing to shut her mouth.” It was one of those rare occasions when I dared to contradict my mother, which, of course, she did not like and she immediately scolded me as a girl.

This accident took my relationship with my husband to a new level. We realized how much we love and appreciate each other, and the result of this was the appearance of a child.

And, can you imagine, I, a 33-year-old woman, being legally married to a beloved man, a mother of three children, was afraid to tell my mother about this fourth child. As at one time I was afraid to say about the third. I'm completely out of the family scenario. It is not customary to give birth in our family. It is customary to have abortions. I am ashamed to admit that I wanted to have an abortion with this child. And the worst thing is that I wanted to have an abortion with each of my children. With the first, because it was not clear whether my future husband would marry me or not, and even at work they began to harass me when they found out about the pregnancy, with the second, because I was horrified by the upbringing of the weather, and everyone around, including my mother, kept saying : “Oh, how hard it will be for you!”, With the third - because I just came to my senses from the weather and was about to go to work, with the fourth ... Lord (!), Is it because at one time my mother wanted to be with me get an abortion!? And all my children go through this meat grinder of terrible thoughts. What a pity that this information is driven into my head and I know about such a possibility of our valiant medicine. Here animals have no idea about abortions and give birth to everyone. And people….

Upon learning of the child, the mother was far from happy. And rather angry that I allow myself to do this! She has completely lost her mind, to give birth to so many in our time! My poor husband, I'm driving him into bondage with this fourth child.

Oh, mother, mother...

Having become a mother three times myself, I began to understand a lot. And how many illusions have disappeared over the past year! And only the bitter reality remained. I don't love my mother and I doubt if she loves me.

Comments of psychologists CONSENT.RU:

Olga Kaver, process and systems therapist, constellator: As much as we accept and respect our mother, we can find happiness, success, fullness of life. This thought of Bert Hellinger once touched me deeply. Then, when I could write something similar about the relationship with my mother. With a lot of advice, usually a mother strives to meet society's expectations of a good mother. In this way, the older generation express their concern, wedging their opinions into the lives of their children. This is their way of loving, often expressing their love in a different way, this generation of mothers does not know how.

After all, they had other ideals in Soviet times. The Soviet Union was often called the "country of the Soviets", so it was accepted - to control the life of their children, this was considered a good quality for parents. I remember from the course of training in systemic constellations the phrase: "Mother gave life, and that's enough." I thought, it’s true, life is a priceless gift to us from our parents, and, first of all, from our mother, so priceless that no amount of money in the world can often redeem it from non-existence or death. And we all received this gift. From her parents, more from her mother, she made the decision to keep the child, gave her body, risked herself, being between life and death all the time of pregnancy and childbirth. It's true - we owe our mother's life. Compared to this, the personality of our mother seems to be a less important aspect: what she thinks, does, believes.

“Everything comes from childhood - all our traumas and problems” - this position of psychoanalysis has led to the fact that several generations of people have grown up blaming their parents for everything. As long as we blame our parents for our troubles, we have not grown up. An adult mature person takes full responsibility for the changes. And it separates the “essential mother” and the “personal mother”, and receives great love from the first, since it was this part of the mother that allowed us inside, raised and fed us, and the second simply accepts the way she is. When this separation and acceptance becomes a reality, a person becomes an adult.

What to do if you can not accept and share? It is enough to give life and resources for development, these resources include love. Otherwise, a mother is a separate person, walking her own Path through life, a Path different from her children. And this gives children the freedom to develop and choose their own path.

Anastasia Platonova, psychologist, psychotherapist: “Different mothers are needed, different mothers are important” ...

To live with dislike for the mother is a heavy burden that harms, first of all, ourselves. After all, any negative attitude towards another person gives us a charge of negativity, slows us down, does not allow us to move forward. And no matter how a person cherishes this disgusting feeling in himself, he always (!) wants to get rid of it, it weighs. Salvation comes with forgiveness and acceptance. This is a very very difficult process, physically and mentally. Often we are not ready to throw hatred for those who offended us out of our lives because it seems that we will become weaker, more vulnerable, forgiving and accepting. Hate is our defense, but at what cost?

Most of us have many complaints about our parents. But all claims can be expressed in a single phrase: "She \ He \ They loved \ do not love me the way I want." Yes Yes! They all, without a single exception, love. True, love, it is sometimes expressed in very perverted ways. And if we are ready, well, or try, to accept the love of our child in any form (even if it’s “mom - you’re bad!”), Then we knowingly demand from parents exactly the kind of love that we need exactly at that moment when we need it, etc. and so on. Who said parents can? After all, we do not demand from the right-hander the ideal writing of the text with the left hand? Why are we so sure that parents must be able to love?

It is important to allow at least the thought that mother did or tried to do everything she could ... Why allow this thought? In order to find peace, to be able to build your life not against the will of someone, but simply the way you want, in order to raise children, realizing that you are giving them the goodness that is inside, so that there is no black in your heart a hole that, like the Bermuda Triangle, sucks strength into nowhere.

To forgive and accept does not mean at all to allow the influence of your parents on your life, on the contrary, it means to free yourself, to untie the shackles that are pulling you back. To accept means to learn to breathe deeply, to learn to focus on yourself and your desires, without looking back at anyone. And to accept a parent always means also to make friends with that part of oneself, with which it was not possible to agree in any way before.

Olga Kolyada,practical psychologist, teacher of the training center "Ladya": Over and over again I read and listen to the confessions of adult women at trainings about difficult feelings for mothers ... It is sad, pitiful in its own way, both mother and daughter. I have nothing to say to aging mothers - they have already given, or not given, everything they could. And now they receive the corresponding "feedback" - a difficult and joyless relationship with adult daughters, or even a loss of relationships.

But I want to say to my daughters - dear, you have the right to ALL your feelings towards your mother! Everything that is. And it's not your fault - it's your misfortune if among these feelings there is no or almost no love left. Initially, the child always comes with love for the mother, it cannot be otherwise. And then the mother can perform actions (of varying degrees of awareness and for various reasons) of such severity and pain that they partially or completely block this love on your part. And how can you be to blame for this? Then - why are you embarrassed to admit calmly - yes, I don’t love my mother, maybe even hate it? Because “you can’t have such thoughts!”? It's like - there are feelings, but you can't have thoughts? Who said it? Mother?…

The paradox is that it is worth calmly allowing yourself to confess the most "bad" feelings for your mother, as the attitude towards her immediately begins to lose "degree"! Accepting what is, it is easier to build communication with her (if any) based on this given, and not on the basis of "how good daughters should be." If there is no communication, you begin to worry less because of its absence. And there are also gifts - by allowing yourself to feel all the negative feelings, you are freed from some of them, and deep under them you discover Love, which has not really gone anywhere, it just had no place on the surface before ...