Survive betrayal: five life-saving tricks. How to survive betrayal: ways to get rid of pain How to survive the betrayal of a beloved man

I sat somehow, thinking, chewing on a pencil, and as a result I decided that I know why people react so sharply to betrayal.

Accordingly, I will tell you.

I have a hypothesis that, thinking about relationships, appreciating them, imagining and anticipating them, many view relationships as something one-time. In the sense - so that if we start, then with an indispensable guarantee that these relationships will be long and happy (by the way, it is the fear that the relationship will end that keeps some from creating a family).

Hence such a rejection of betrayal follows - after all, this is a blow to the hard-won, nurtured picture of an eternal relationship. Here lives a woman with such a picture. Living means living. Everything seems to be quiet and peaceful, the picture corresponds.

And then - bang bang! - suddenly finds out that her husband has cheated on her (or is cheating on her). What happens to our heroine? Shock, blow, the world collapses, everything flies into hell.

Cheating husband puts the wife's picture of eternal love under a big question. That is why his fuck on the side is called treason, like treason to the Motherland. By betraying the Motherland, a person betrays his country. By cheating on his wife, he betrays her picture of eternal love.

Exactly the same thing happens to a husband if his wife cheated on him. He had a picture, the picture was betrayed.

Where the discussed idea of relationships as an eternal given comes from, I do not know. It can be assumed that this is a reaction to separation from the mother in the maternity hospital. Say, they torn us away from our parents - so we are afraid that the partner will also run away.

There is another option - historical. Previously, relationships were indeed longer, since married spouses were allowed to divorce much less often than now. Needless to say, I had to live a long time. Sometimes even the truth - endured, fell in love. Well, since social stereotypes change slowly, the habit of eternal relationships has remained.

I think you can find many more explanations, but in this case it doesn’t matter how everything really works there.

The fundamental question is what to do with such layouts?

On this occasion, here's what I think - it makes sense to adequateize your ideas about relationships. In other words, to see them as they are, and not as you want to see them.

Firstly relationship is not a permanently frozen structure, but an ever-changing process. Therefore, there is always a chance that this process will take a wrong turn. Therefore, you need to be constantly on the alert, keep your finger on the pulse.

Secondly Relationships, like any process, can end. Therefore, you need to be prepared for this. Or, at least, remember this scenario.

Third Divorce and separation is not the end of life. Well, you were together, well, you parted - all this is not a reason to consider your life over. And if it’s so hard, study my notes about divorces (, and,).

Finally, and there are many good specialists who help to survive the post-divorce state and get out of it changed, recovered.

As for cheating... The question is not whether it's good or bad (it happens, for example, that cheating only strengthens a marriage). The question is how does your spouse feel about it. And whether you are ready to hurt a loved one.

And I have everything, thank you for your attention.

By the way, find out more details about cheating.

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Why does it hurt so much to change: 41 comments

Nistashka
And what to do if children are also inscribed in the picture of the world of the wife? And with a real betrayal of her husband (if she finds out), everything will really fly into hell.
I mean myself, of course.
I have not yet been enlightened to the extent that I am happy for my husband that he had great sex with another woman.
Read Dreamer
Why rejoice?
- Well, for example, at the suggestion of her husband - what now 3! a person is happy - they are with each other, and I am for them !!! 🙁
MishaSt
And in my opinion this is just a blow to self-esteem. "Changed, so I'm not perfect." But really, which one of us is perfect, honey? Of course you are not perfect. He (a man) cheats in order to try many women and assert himself through this, and you, of course, are not perfect, you can’t become a mom-dad, you can’t replace many women at once, you don’t know how to send impulses to the brain so that a person immediately changed, and no one can.
1. Pavel Zygmantovich Post Author
  Of course, the pain is also a blow to self-esteem. I agree with you.
2. Alex
  Does a woman have a goal to be perfect? Does she have a task to replace mom - dad and other women? Sorry, this is bullshit. Each person is unique and he has a goal to live his life happily ever after, and not “replace someone”. "Replace someone" smacks of infantilism and child-parent relationships. Don't find?
  As you understand, the changer himself is also far from perfect.
  I will quote the words of the Great Family Therapist Mikhail Alexandrovich Labkovsky: “when we love, we don’t need others”, hence the conclusion: if he cheats, then he doesn’t love. This conclusion sits deep at the level of our subconscious, hence the pain. What is pain? This is a NATURAL reaction of our body to actions or processes that threaten human life and health. Its purpose is to draw attention to the danger. In this case, the behavior of another person threatens mental and physical health. Pain tells us - danger! So what needs to be done? That's right - leave! As Mikhail Alexandrovich says, “Do not be patient! Get out of this shit." A person with a healthy psyche, a person who loves himself, will never waste his time and energy on people who do not love him, they are simply not interested in them. Feeling the pain, he immediately break off the relationship. Here the pain has a very important purpose, show the person “run away! save yourself! Seek fruitful, healthy relationships! But the neurotic will try his best to return or maintain the relationship, because he revels in pain like a masochist.
  
  Pavel will certainly ask the question “why don’t you appreciate the relationship?”
  I will answer right away. Relationships cannot be more valuable than a person, we cannot love someone more than ourselves. Having changed the partner transmits an absolutely clear signal “I don’t love”, and why should we impose ourselves on someone who doesn’t love us? Why settle for a relationship that doesn't suit us? This is the lot of neurotics, and in their case we are not talking about love. Cheating completely washes safety and fruitfulness from relationships, calls into question long-term. A normal person does not need such relationships, as pain signals.
3. This is a betrayal, it is always behind your back, moreover, they swore never to do it .... Pure water "scam" from the side of the one who became closest to everyone in the world and betrayed, and it is impossible to treat this normally if you loved (a) or love .... It's "pi…." in general - moral and spiritual.
kroutka
Help me to understand? The husband "finally" cheated - in a relationship for 15 years and, of course, she is to blame. It's not about that. As a result of the discussion, the husband proposed the following scheme: “In the future, I cannot and do not want to guarantee my fidelity, but in order to continue the relationship, I must be absolutely sure that you are absolutely faithful to me.” The answer to the question "what is the reason for such asymmetry?" He does not know. I, too, can’t figure it out, what are the deep foundations of such a masculine position?
alex2
It will hurt from betrayal or not, it depends on how a person perceives betrayal, how he relates to it. perceives betrayal as a choice of a partner, and perceives a partner as an independent person, then it will not hurt him so much, and maybe it won’t hurt at all.
By the way, dear Pavel, I wanted to express my opinion to you. You often mention the concept of “feeling”, “feeling”. But feeling is the prerogative of a sensual type of person. less likely to "feel".
This is also where the different perceptions of betrayal by different types of people lie. It is kinesthetics who get the greatest pain from a partner’s betrayal. Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages” talks about different perceptions of the world and life by a person, and it is a person whose language is the language of touch, reacts more painfully to betrayal. Because a sensual person transmits and perceives love through touch, through his feelings, through emotions.
“Where the discussed idea of relationships as an eternal given comes from, I don’t know. It can be assumed that this is a reaction to separation from the mother in the maternity hospital. Say, we were torn away from our parents - so we are afraid that the partner will also run away.
Not only at birth, a person receives the fear of “betrayal.” Parents can instill it in their child at a later age, in the period until a more or less meaningful perception of life has come. This is also from my personal example (thank God, I understood where the legs grow from my problem). And so, everything is said correctly. 🙂
Svetlana
Hello Pavel. I would like to hear your professional opinion on one issue. We have been living with my husband for about 14 years, we have two beautiful children. About 4 years ago I found out that my husband was cheating on me and he still does it. She doesn’t leave the family, she exhibited him several times, our relationship is very, very bad, we haven’t had sex for about a year, communication is very poor. When asked why you come here, because you have another and you love her for a long time, he replies that he loves children and cannot live without them. I tell him that you do not live with children, but with me and I feel bad and hurt from what is happening between us. Why doesn't he leave anyway? because of the children or what is waiting for me? Is there any chance to improve relations in our situation.
1. Pavel Zygmantovich Post Author
  Svetlana, good afternoon.
  
  If (I emphasize - if!) This is so, then you have no chance. Before you is the father of your children, but not your spouse.
  
  Did I answer your question?
Valeria
Pavel, hello! I really hope to read your advice on how you can set yourself up to survive the period of betrayal. The husband and his mistress have the second stage of the novel, they are excellent together, they communicate every day. At the same time, he tells me that I am the best for him, etc., but it’s just fine with her. I agree that we need to decide. At the same time, the mistress demonstrates their relationship to me and somehow sets him up so that he rips off the negative on me (alternating with assurances about my ideality). In her words, I see an open intention to destroy the family and the consumer attitude towards him (although the husband does not see this). My thoughts: if I don’t ruin my relationship with him, sooner or later he will turn on his brain and realize that she simply does not respect him. But by torturing myself and crying every day, I'll just make things worse. Only individual work with a psychologist will help here, or are there ways that I don’t know how to understand myself? It’s impossible to turn off feelings and perceive the situation from a distance, although usually my mind rules.
1. Pavel Zygmantovich Post Author
  Valeria, of course, it will not work to turn off feelings. This rarely happens to anyone. Here is my categorical advice to you - cry for your health and be prepared that your husband will leave. Then he will definitely stay.
  
  I'm serious.
Valeria
Pavel, thank you!!!
Anonymous
Hello Pavel. Help understand. If it’s unbearable from the betrayal of a beloved man, is it somehow possible to work with this? After 9 months of relationship, I could no longer turn a blind eye to betrayal and left today. The man was afraid that I would leave (although he always said - “if you don’t like something, leave”), he loves me. But he doesn’t want to give up cheating (using prostitutes). He said that I’m not a wise woman, since I can’t accept the fact that all men cheat. He asked “how will it harm you that I will have sex with other women?”. The answer that it hurts was not perceived as an argument. I feel like I ruined everything. You could tell, this is life in rose-colored glasses - to consider that there can be no betrayals? It would be wiser to change your attitude to treason? Is it realistic that it does not hurt, is not disgusting? Sorry if it's messy.
1. Pavel Zygmantovich Post Author
  Hello Pavel.
  _Good afternoon!
  
  If it’s unbearable from the betrayal of a beloved man, is it somehow possible to work with this?
  _Of course it is possible. But is it necessary?
  
  I feel like I ruined everything.
  _Here you are in vain.
  
  You could tell, this is life in rose-colored glasses - to consider that there can be no betrayals?
  _Here - yes, these are rose-colored glasses. A sober look - betrayals are unpredictable (even your own, what can we say about others).
  
  It would be wiser to change your attitude to treason?
  _Don't know. It is not for me to decide what is reasonable in such cases, what is not.
  
  Is it realistic that it does not hurt, is not disgusting?
  _Really, but, I repeat, is it necessary?
  1. Anonymous
    Thank you. Yes, perhaps this is the main and important question - “is it necessary?”. There are many doubts about the decision made, fear that I made it on emotions, so I think what else could be done, but maybe not worth it if there was no desire to change something in response.
    And on the last question, you can find out how, in principle, this is possible? Except for the option that there are already no feelings and the person does not care. If you love, but you are cheating, beloved, what to do so that it does not hurt?
  2. Anonymous
    And yet, if I understand correctly, “cheating is unpredictable” means that they may or may not happen. However, this is not the same as "all men cheat." Did I understand you correctly?
Anonymous
shitty psychologist
Guest
Good afternoon Pavel. Husband is 64 years old. He cheats with a married neighbor about his age. She only found out about it last year. But it turns out their relationship has been going on for a very long time, for a dozen years. It was the same with my previous wife. The mistress teaches him how to deceive me, watches from the windows when I leave. Our houses are next to each other. Unfortunately, I didn't know anything when I married him. We've been married for about five years. There is no opportunity to disperse in the near future, at least a year and a half, and this must be taken for granted. The daughter advises not to pay attention and take care of yourself. But how is this possible in reality? Love has vanished, only squeamishness and contempt. And I don't know how to switch the brain. How to endure this bondage

Ekaterina Kholod
family psychologist, gestalt therapist, blogger on Instagram @psyholod

It's harder for men to accept cheating

- Do people who find it difficult to cope with infidelity often turn to you?

- Yes, enough. By my specialization, I am a family psychologist and, indeed, I often deal with clients intricate relationships in a love triangle, difficulties in understanding and betrayal as well.

The topic of betrayal is actually much more relevant than they say. After all, she is, shall we say, shameful. Few people are ready to admit that this once happened. People try to survive everything in themselves, to cope on their own, and thus often start the problem even more.

Who comes up with this question more often: men or women?

“It seems to me that earlier more women applied, and now more and more men come. Perhaps this happens because the representatives of the stronger sex, in principle, have ceased to be shy about visiting psychologists. It's no longer considered weird.

- Representatives of what gender is more difficult to endure treason?

- As a rule, it is more difficult for men. Women are more emotional, but this emotionality just helps them cope with stress. The reaction can be very violent: screams, tears, accusations - the representatives of the weaker sex internally process the trouble and move on. By the way, according to statistics, women experience divorces with less emotional trauma.

In addition, think for yourself, society rarely condemns a woman whom her husband cheated on, this is a more or less familiar situation. But if a man is cheating on his companion, this is already ground for ridicule. So something is wrong with the man. Often, therefore, gentlemen are in no hurry to share their resentment and pain with friends, while crying on the shoulder of a friend and releasing all the negativity for women is a common thing.

- It happens that a woman suspects a partner from scratch and partly thinks up an imaginary betrayal, from which she suffers ...

“You know, nothing ever comes out of nowhere. Women's intuition, coupled with natural observation often gives a lot of clues. It's just that there are times when a problem of unprecedented proportions is inflated from some trifle. And this is a completely different story.

It is important not to ignore the problem and your feelings.

What is a person's reaction to betrayal?

- Cheating, especially unexpected, is stressful (we exclude couples who consciously choose polygamous, open relationships). We all react differently to stressful situations.

It can be hysteria with tears (which is more typical for women), and aggression, anger (more typical for men), it is also possible to distance yourself from the problem, unwillingness to talk, leave the apartment.

A protracted refusal to accept the situation and one's own feelings about it is not excluded. This is probably the most dangerous reaction, since when ignoring the problem, trying to drive it deep into oneself, negative emotions often manifest themselves subsequently on the physical plane in the form of diseases.

And yet it is worth distinguishing refusal from calm reflection on the situation. You don't have to hit the cymbals at all. Inner thoughts are also the processing of negativity. And this is one of the ways to solve the problem.

Can cheating lead to depression?

- The very fact of treason for depression is not enough. There must be accompanying reasons. For example, when a person knows, guesses that he is being cheated on, and is in this situation for a long time. Or if a person is constantly cheated on, but he forgives because he loves a lot, or rather depends on another because of children, for financial, other reasons. The fact of treason is only one of a combination of factors.

Negative attitudes lead to repetition of an unpleasant situation.

- Fear of betrayal, sometimes groundless, where does it come from?

- Most often, this is a negative experience from past relationships, low self-esteem ... Today they often talk about the influence of the parental behavior model when dad or mom left the family because of a third person. But I don't think it's an axiom. Not all people with such experience are afraid of repeating the scenario in their family.

Of course, the behavior of parents greatly affects each of us. But don't dwell on the negative. It is easier to choose your own path without unnecessary fears, which many do. A person who blames his parents for everything, even for the fact that his personal life was not successful, simply has not yet grown up and is trying to throw responsibility for his own fate onto others.

- Can betrayal serve as an impetus for a new better life?

“Positive change doesn't happen because you've been betrayed. It’s just that betrayal triggers a reassessment of values when it comes to the realization that, in addition to relationships that have given too much effort, there are other areas of life that are interesting and exciting. And you can also develop in them, they bring pleasure (career, children, hobbies, travel, and so on).

But it also happens differently when attitudes appear in the head: “I am a loser”, “All men are goats”, “All traitors”. If you allow such attitudes in yourself, unpleasant situations will automatically repeat.

Who broke, to build

- If someone in a couple begins to be burdened by relationships and as a result some kind of affair appears, with the right behavior of the other side, it is possible to maintain the union. Sometimes in the mind of the traitor himself there is a serious reassessment of values. Feelings can even flare up with renewed vigor.

What does right behavior mean?

- It is, of course, conditionally correct. There is no clear ideal plan of action. However, I would recommend the following:

Offer the traitor parting. Even if you don't want to.

If you are being treated unacceptably, it is important to show that you do not agree to such treatment. Demonstrate that you are ready to let go of your partner, since he is missing something. Otherwise, subconsciously, your forgiveness will be taken by a person as something for granted and may even turn into a system.

Keep your distance. If you have the opportunity to leave, that's great. If not, at least move to a separate room, in general, limit your territory.
Do not immediately run to the pharmacy for antidepressants. It is better to talk with a loved one, try to distract yourself. If you feel that you are really bad, contact a psychologist.
Remember who broke, and to build. If you are dear to a person, he will try to return you. I do not advise devoted people to try to restore relations on their own. The probability of returning to the same bondage is too great.

Accept the fact of treason and the fact that, perhaps, a loved one chose a different fate. It is impossible to return love by force or persuasion. Let go, it hurts and it's hard, but it has to be done.
Never take the blame on yourself. Often people begin to think and say: “I was a bad wife”, “I did not provide for her enough”, “I have a terrible character and all because of this.” But some even (if we take men as an example) begin to shower a woman with gifts, make surprises, apologize, and so on.

It is impossible to reinforce the negative actions of a person with positive. This can at least lead the companion to the idea that he is loved only when he cheats. All this happens, of course, unconsciously. The harder it is to dissuade him. It's like with Pavlov's dog: action and reinforcement of the reaction. In many ways, we ourselves form the habits of a partner.

Don't pretend. If you feel that you cannot forgive, just say: “I can’t yet, I need time.” And in fact, each of us needs time to adapt to the situation, to understand something important for ourselves. And everyone has a different time.
A difficult but effective way: try shifting your attention to something else. This, however, is difficult, something from the category: "We need to eat more vegetables and fruits." Everyone knows - only a few perform.

Still, try to get emotionally involved in other activities: find a hobby, propose a new project at work, go in for sports, pay more attention to children, the main thing is that it really captures you.

Ask yourself: Are you too fond of your partner or too dependent on him?

They say you can only forgive once.

- You can forgive as much as you want. The question is how long can you forgive. All patience comes to an end sooner or later. When accepting a person again, remember: new relationships should become qualitatively different. You forget the old, do not remember, and even more so do not reproach your companion with the fact of treason and start the story from scratch. But if everything returns to normal, is it worth turning this barrel organ endlessly? I am not sure.

In what cases is it better to leave forever?

The second option is regular cheating. If you are constantly betrayed, and you forgive - how can you talk about strong bonds? Even if you convince yourself that you just love your partner too much. Rather, you are too dependent on him. Indeed, of good will, hardly anyone will agree to such an appeal. By the way, there are people who are such by nature. They are always drawn to the left, and they cannot, and sometimes simply do not want to change something.

I am not in favor of immediately filing for divorce if the couple has been together for a long time, if there are children and a lot in common. True, it’s not worth rushing, but even in such a situation, in order to protect yourself, to show that this is not possible with you, you must offer a breakup, at least just offer, show that you are ready for this finale. Such a reaction works like a cold shower for a traitor, he begins to understand that the game is a game, but everything can collapse.

By their naivety, some people agree to open relationships, love triangles, various kinds of experiments, hoping that over time the chosen one will understand that he was wrong and give up all nonsense. But miracles usually don't happen. If you are not really ready internally for such a relationship, it is better not to start them.

How do traitors feel?

“Most of them feel guilty sooner or later. It is not there only in those situations when a person, even before the betrayal, decided that the old relationship had become obsolete and there were no more feelings for the former partner. But if even the slightest doubt remains, guilt is an unchanging and sometimes tormenting companion. But it is the traitor who is subject to the resurrection of relations. We all make mistakes, a person should always have a second chance.

Betrayal can take many forms. A loved one who has an affair on the side, a close friend who spreads bad rumors about you, a business partner who ran away with money and left you to deal with creditors are just a few typical examples.

In my work, I come across such stories from time to time, and what strikes me most is the emotional reaction it causes in those who have become its victims. It inflicts wounds, confidence crumbles to dust, and shame often hides under rage and amazement.

Some react to betrayal by hiding from the world and avoiding communication altogether. Sometimes they try to keep the fact a secret - especially when it comes to personal life. A victim of adultery may be reluctant to make the incident public for fear of public stigma.

Isolation dooms us to loneliness and alienation, which can eventually lead to depression.

The one who was betrayed is not to blame for what happened, but may feel responsible for it and feel shame. In therapy, I often ask clients, “Why are you so ashamed? Did you cheat/steal/lied/spread rumors?

By hiding from others information about an event that is painful for us, we thereby deprive ourselves of the opportunity to receive support or see what happened from a different point of view. Because of this, we begin to blame ourselves for being naive or to argue that we ourselves provoked the betrayal. Isolation dooms us to loneliness and alienation, which can eventually lead to depression. But to successfully heal trauma, we need just the opposite.

How to heal from the trauma of betrayal and regain confidence?

1. Allow yourself to process what happened. Some take action immediately, but it's perfectly fine to give yourself time before reacting. This is especially important if you have thoughts of revenge.

2. Take care of yourself- both physically and emotionally. Eat right, exercise, get enough sleep, and be kind to yourself.

3. Try to protect yourself from further damage, which the "traitor" can inflict on you. For example, if a business partner turned out to be financially unscrupulous, deal with financial issues as quickly as possible. If you have been cheated on, but you have decided not to break off relations yet, protect yourself from possible diseases.

4. Share your experiences with someone you trust. It's not the time to hide. Communicate more often with those who appreciate you, know your best qualities well and will help you not to drop your self-esteem.

5. Don't take the blame for what happened. Remind yourself why you were in a relationship with this person and what you hoped for. Show compassion for yourself, remembering that betrayal is quite common and many have experienced it.

Sometimes after it it seems that we can no longer trust anyone. It is important to maintain relationships with people who can help us, communication with whom gives us strength and brings joy. Do not let what happened destroy your relationship with those who have never done anything wrong to you. Try to find time every day to talk about something pleasant and positive.

Recovery from betrayal will take time. During this period, it is important to treat yourself with maximum kindness and attention. You deserve it.

How painful the thought of betrayal is, only people who have experienced it know. The pain of betrayal is one of the most difficult and painful conditions in which a person can be. But why is this happening? After all, no one died. And in most cases, the traitor is not even going to leave his wife, for him it was just an affair, a relaxation. Why then do people feel so deeply about the fact that they have been cheated on? Is it possible to cope with the pain of betrayal?

Why is infidelity so painful?

There are many reasons for the pain that a person experiences when he learns about the betrayal of the second half:

Expectations from family life were violated. Everyone enters marriage with many ideas about what it means to be a family man. For most people, this includes being sexually, romantically, and emotionally committed to one another. When your spouse cheated on you, they broke the rules that you thought you both lived by. The person who swore to love you forever has committed a crime against your belief in them. And a breach like this breaks the foundation upon which you have built not only your marriage, but your entire life.
You are experiencing resistance to the change that has been imposed on you. Since your spouse broke their vows, life has changed. This is an unexpected and highly undesirable life change that you do not internally agree with. You blame your spouse and want him to fix what he did. Unfortunately, this position forces you to play the role of the victim and hold your spouse's actions hostage. And it just prolongs the pain.
You are afraid that the life you love is over and that the pain will continue forever. Fear is natural when you've been hurt, especially when you've been hurt by the person you love and think loves you. The truth is that the life that was before is over, and it is up to you to decide how you will live now. If you don't make that decision when you can think clearly and calmly, the pain will continue. Therefore, despite doubts and fears, you must become courageous. Develop the courage to move forward, push through your fears, and strive for the new normal life you want.
Your spouse has undermined your emotional security. Before the infidelity happened, you trusted your spouse with all the secrets and innermost thoughts. You knew that he could support you emotionally. He helped improve the situation when you felt bad. He was just there. But now, as you think, it's all over. And this loss is painful because you feel alone.
You think your spouse doesn't love you. With his betrayal, you began to doubt his feelings and realized that he was lying to you all the time. Every moment of the shared past seems unreal and false to you.
You feel guilty. Is there a part of you that thinks that your spouse cheated on you because you behaved incorrectly in some situations? You take responsibility and blame yourself for the situation you are in right now.
Your self-esteem plummets. When you discover that your spouse has cheated on you, you immediately wonder what the other woman has that you don't have. You move on to the conclusion that you are not perfect because your spouse chose to be with this other person rather than with you. And the longer you believe that something is wrong with you, the closer you come to believing that you are not worthy of love, but that you deserve betrayal.
Your imagination torments you with thoughts of what they did together. You either imagine how the whole sexual process went, draw detailed pictures in your imagination. And this does not allow you to forget about the betrayal of a loved one.
You are ashamed because your spouse cheated on you. What will your friends and family think when they find out that your spouse is cheating on you? What will your colleagues think? What will everyone say about you behind your back? How will you confront them after they find out the truth about the betrayal that happened? Unfortunately, women in society are very dependent on the opinions of others and this affects their psycho-emotional state.
You experience so many negative emotions that your health suffers. Obviously, the pain of your spouse's infidelity leads to numerous negative emotions. And the longer you experience these emotions, the more negatively your body will react to them.
As you struggle with the emotional pain of infidelity, you may experience backaches, changes in appetite, chest pains, constipation or diarrhea, dry mouth, insomnia, headaches, and more that make you feel physically sick.

Infidelity is so painful that it strikes at your core, the foundation on which you build your life. This leads to disorientation and confusion. However, even though you experience intense pain and longing after infidelity, you can heal from these feelings and move on with your life, either with or without a spouse.

How to get rid of the pain of betrayal

Forgetting about the betrayal that a loved one committed is unlikely to succeed. Something as important as betraying the one you love most in the world must not be forgotten. However, when you remember this, you should no longer have the pain of infidelity. How to achieve this?

Trying to just forget about it and move on would be like breaking a leg and not bothering to go to the hospital. If you don't take the right steps to heal your broken leg, you will always be in pain and will probably never be able to walk again. Emotional pain is no different. She needs to be treated.

Know that it's not your fault. Your marriage may be in crisis, but cheating is a voluntary act. No one pushed your spouse to cheat, he had a choice - to solve family problems or look for an outlet in the arms of others.
You need to acknowledge and come to terms with the unfortunate reality and injustice of your situation. This is life, this is a harsh reality. You are not the first and not the last woman who is faced with a betrayal of her husband. And the world did not turn upside down from this and did not become different. Therefore, you need to accept this fact and move on.
You can overcome pain by working on yourself, devoting time to personal growth, finding purpose, meaning and fulfillment in your life. It will take you away from the problem, allow you to live for something bigger and more important. You need to forget what other people think and start using your potential as a woman, as a mother, as a worker.
Give yourself time and allow yourself to feel all the emotions you need, especially sadness, anger, and grief over your loss. Some people think that negative emotions are bad. When they are expressed in their proper context, they are not. By allowing yourself to feel these emotions, you can heal. When needed, sadness and anger are good for you because they help you process pain.
Share your story with someone else. It is important to avoid suffering in isolation. You cannot and should not bear this burden alone. Don't turn down the support of family or friends. If necessary, seek help from special communities, a specialist who will help you cope with the pain of betrayal.
Be persistent and determined. Say to yourself: "I will have nothing but healing from this pain." Don't let this negative experience determine your future.
While anger is appropriate initially, you must eventually let go of the negativity. You deserve a future free of anger and anger.
Don't let your grief take over you to show everyone what has been done to you. You have the right to grieve, but do not become a victim of these circumstances. Perhaps you will be pitied at first, but then everyone will get tired of the eternally aching woman.
Do not dare to have promiscuous sex to get revenge. The truth is that the best revenge for cheating is to live well and happily.
Turning children against their father is one of the worst ways to punish a traitor. It must be understood that infringement of the parental rights of a spouse causes damage, first of all, to children. Love for children should exceed anger towards her husband.

Obviously, it is possible to overcome the pain of infidelity and continue to live happily. Thousands of other women have done it, and you can too. You must believe this because it is the first step on the road to recovery from a betrayed loved one.

"A man in love is like a blind child"

THE PAIN OF BECAUSE

To be loved mutually means to be significant, especially valuable and necessary for one very close and dear, beloved person.
This boundless happiness can collapse in one moment, as soon as a person learns abouttreason . Pain from treason the stronger, the stronger the attachment and trust to the person who has changed, the more hopes for a joint future and happiness are associated with him, the more the shared past brings him closer.
The need to be loved by a person is one of the basic (basic) needs. Pain from treason beloved (close person) is due to the feeling that you have been abandoned, traded, rejected.

With the knowledge of the fact treason a person's attitude changes drastically. Faith in oneself weakens, there is an acute feeling of one's own inferiority, on the one hand. On the other hand, the agonizing need to be next to the person you really need and to whom you are attached remains unsatisfied. The mental state is saturated with aggression - how he dared (dared), self-abasement (inferiority) - shortcomings are sorted out, qualities are compared "I'm bad, because they didn't choose me!" absent-mindedness - everything falls out of the hands of “Thoughts beat on hands” (I. Talkov), depression - I don’t want to continue to live.

WHAT IS CHANGE
Treason- this is not just an action, it is a subjective experience of a particular person in response to his preference for another. Majority psychologist ov are called to treat treason philosophically - forgive, understand, accept, forget, cope with your emotions, analyze the situation and try to fix it. I believe that experiences associated with betrayal deeply personal, treason concerns only two (who changed and who changed). For some, light flirting on the side will become a hard pain, but for some, perennial treason husband or occasional trips to prostitutes- in the order of things. The depth of experiences is caused, first of all, by the need for close relationships, if this need is very weak, then a person will react more calmly to spree on the side than someone who is aimed at monogamous serious relationships, where two belong to each other, and there is no place for a third. The exception is a number of men who regard their woman as their property and do not allow either her flirting or her treason, as this will deal a crushing blow to their self-esteem and pride.

TO FORGIVE OR NOT TO FORGIVE
Treason- a blow to self-esteem. The position “I won’t forgive” helps to raise your self-esteem. Pride and self-esteem are always there. Pride relieves the pain of humiliation and inferiority, but leads to separation and more pain if you really want to be with this person. Psychologist The ical recommendation is always the same - to forgive and let go for your own good and peace, and decide for yourself: “Do I want to be with this person who risks our relationship so easily or not?”
To forgive or not to forgive is a choice that a person will make. What is more important for him, to stay and accept or leave, to be alone or to try to date another person? Friends, on the one hand, can open your eyes and help you look objectively at the situation, and on the other hand, you love, you know better what to do, especially since theyin their judgmentscome from their personal experience.

HOW TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN OF CHANGE
Emotions…
Few people succeed, having learned about treason for which he was absolutely unprepared to remain calm. Of course, everything is very individual, but the common thing for everyone is a flurry of negative emotions. prevails anger, hatred, resentment, fear of losing a loved one, guilt that something was done wrong and provoked treason. This is followed by despair and the "parade of catastrophe emotions" ends with a depressive state.©The author of the article you are reading now, Khramchenko Nadezhda/

On the first day, you need to give free rein to your emotions. Do not reassure yourself, but splash them out, however, no matter how insulting it may be, it is important to do without self-harm for your own good. A friend or girlfriend to whom you can talk out and find support from them will be very helpful. A similar therapeutic effect occurs when listening to songs about betrayal and the suffering of their heroes. In addition, strong emotions are friendly with physical activity. This means when you are embraced by a strong anger, corrosive resentment and guilt, leave the house, take a walk at a brisk pace, breathe in fresh air slowly, if you are in a gassed city, look for a park. If you still stay at home - clean the apartment, throw out junk and rubbish, wash the floor, exercise yourself, shovel snow in winter, work in the garden in summer. This is a wonderful cleansing of negative emotions, which, if not splashed out, can explode a person in the most inopportune situation.
The first day is for a splash of negativity, you can cry and move actively. The following days are for acquiring positive emotions. Remember what gives you extraordinary joy, then do it. At work, think about pleasant moments, learn to dream and visualize (imagine) your dream. Can't move away from the negative and get positive emotions? Accept your pain, admit to yourself that trouble has happened to you, and no one is immune from trouble. At the same time, learn to receive positive emotions not from one, but from another, not from another, but from a third. Discover new facets of life, try new things. Somewhere there is a loophole to joy. Be active, look for it, not despairing, but recognizing your pain from treason close person. After all, it’s stupid to say that nothing happened, but also to kill yourself with negative destructive emotions because of what happened, and anger, resentment, fear, guilt - these are all destructive emotions, it's not worth it.
Again I will say , treason is a challenge to self-esteem. And you need to take care of it first of all. Here it is important to understand changed not because you are not something good, but for other reasons. Perhaps you are simply not suitable for each other, and your chosen one (tsa) does not value your relationship, there are people who cannot but cheat, or maybe the seducer (nice) tried very hard (s) to get his way. Inspire yourself with the idea that they changed, not because you are bad, but because they could not appreciate you adequately. Be someone else in your place treason would also take place. Remember more often any compliments, praises from relatives or at work, especially from boyfriends, that you have ever received in your life. Ask a loved one for therapy to tell you what he especially likes about you. If you record it on a dictaphone and listen to it, it will be absolutely wonderful.
Do more often the things that you especially succeed in, admire the fruits of your labor, admire yourself.
The best doctor for treason close - a favorite thing and occupation. Lucky are those who have a job in which they can fully immerse themselves. Otherwise, find yourself a hobby. It is great if it leads to new acquaintances and meetings.
Set life goals, distant and near best, personal, work, family. This will give you and your life a special value and significance.

Try to replace the emptiness from the loss of a loved one or trust in him with the fullness of life. Very often, when parting, a woman begins to gain weight intensely, she seizes the emptiness from the loss of a loved one, then she is overcome by depression when looking in the mirror. A number of others drink emptiness to drink, seeking to get away from despair with the help of alcohol. These are destructive actions. The emptiness from the loss of a loved one needs to be filled, but not with alcohol or food.

As soon as negative emotions come up, immediately switch to activities or just dream. Close your eyes and visualize your dream, imagine it. This is also an activity, active, healing, an activity of the imagination.
Speaking of visualization. If you want to quickly forget traitor(tsu), sit comfortably in a chair, leaning on its back, relax, close your eyes, imagine his (her) face, body. If it is beautiful, change the image to ugly, if he (she) turned out to be tall (oh), then make it low (oh), if he (she) is fat (th), then make his (her) image thin etc. change qualities traitor to the opposite. Then shrink its image until it turns into a dot and destroy it.
Visualization can also be done with images of sex scenes if they bother you.©The author of the article you are reading now, Khramchenko Nadezhda/

They usually suffer from physical treason, and the person with whom this was done may begin to have strong feelings about their appearance. But, firstly, appearance is far from everything, we all grow old, it changes very quickly, and secondly, in every person there is something very meaningful and important for his loved ones. Please think about your qualities for which you can be loved and appreciated and be sure to take care of your appearance. Physical exercise, swimming, is great for both men and women. Changing eating habits to healthy ones will also lead to good vitality. Hairstyle, jewelry, properly selected cosmetics will transform any woman. In a man, a change in style will give self-confidence.

Now why not flirt and experiment with your sexuality. For a woman, it is important to feel desired, but for a man, a conqueror and no treason should not destroy and annihilate human life. Even if age and a mirror urge you to give up, you need to regain your self-esteem, significance, move towards the fullness of your life and damn it. And sexual attraction.

Don't neglect the help of a psychologist. When you share your pain with others, they are drawn to give advice. It just so happened. The psychologist accepts you and your difficult situation as you are. I can give professional advice individually to get out of this depressing state and recover. You also have the opportunity to take a course of personal work with me, so as not to fall into such circumstances again.To sign up for consultation in the reception psychologist, you at home, by Skype ,by phone, Can

" Who lost his wings - afraid to fall in love,