Incomplete family. Is it really becoming the norm and why women are increasingly initiating divorces?

- I want to be a girl, - my six-year-old son was taken aback by an unexpected statement. No, no, don't think, he doesn't like dresses. She just loves her mother and wants to be like her in everything. After all, she is ahead of the rest of the planet: she works tirelessly, supports herself and the child. At the same time, she manages to dance and attend needlework courses. And most importantly, she spends a lot of time with him: play chess - please, go to the cinema - no question, go rollerblading - with pleasure. Unlike the Sunday dad, who is always crying that he has no money and is too lazy. The only thing he offers with enthusiasm is to play on the computer. It is not surprising that the child has an inverted perception of the family: mom is the head and breadwinner, and dad is another child.

Finally waited

Tortured and nervous abandoned women, causing pity, are a thing of the past. The current single mothers do not come up with versions about polar explorer dads, they are not shy about their status. Open any glossy magazine - you will definitely find a story about how a self-sufficient woman raised her children alone and achieved success in her career. Modern Amazons are good with technology, they drive a car, they have a good income ... They don’t seem to need a strong leverage.

It used to be difficult for the fair sex without men, especially in the countryside. And now she called her “husband for an hour”, paid him - he will beat the eaves, fix the plumbing and glue the wallpaper. Beauty! It is clear that if a husband beats, drinks and lives according to the principle “women were not given a word”, parting with him is the only reasonable option. And thank God that the ladies have become more independent, they are not afraid that they will not feed themselves. But successful marriages also break up. As often explained, they did not agree on the characters.

Of course, waving a pen to her husband, many women can breathe a sigh of relief. No need to collect socks scattered around the apartment, apologize for salted porridge, make excuses for why you returned so late, listen to notations about the amount spent. In a word, wherever I want, I fly there, today I eat halva, tomorrow - gingerbread, or even go on a diet. Any married woman from time to time dreams of such freedom - what a sin to conceal. But…

Leaving won't solve the problem. Psychologists say: the family rests on both parents. No matter how wonderful the mother is, the child still wants to see a man next to him.

My friend is happily divorced. From time to time I met with fans, but now it seems that he has appeared - the real one. The son, who turned 15, approved the choice of his mother. Somehow they gathered in the kitchen to have tea together. The son looked at the friendly company and said: “Well, the whole family is together” ...

Time to grow up...

According to Belarusian sociologists, modern girls still associate the concept of happiness with the creation of a family and the birth of children. But there are more and more young men who are not ready to burden themselves with the bonds of marriage every year. Let's try to figure out why this happens.

The mother of many children Elena Voitekh, talking to me, said: “There are no bad wives or bad husbands. Everyone has problems, sometimes they just knock down. Family is a huge job. And it's not that you have to work hard physically, think about how to create comfort in the house. We also need to work on ourselves, on relationships, learn to listen and hear the other person, make compromises.

However, many young people, unfortunately, do not want and do not know how to do this. As the deputy of the House of Representatives of the National Assembly of the Republic of Belarus Oksana Nekhaychik notes, the generation of those who were brought up in a one-child family has grown up. They are all selfish in one way or another. Not accustomed to taking care of others, to make concessions. The slightest difficulty confuses them. It is easier for them to scatter in different directions than to look for a way out of the situation. The main thing is not to stress.

According to the director of the Minsk City Center for Social Services for Family and Children Ekaterina Maltseva, there are several reasons for this. The first is the infantilization of the male population, the second is the excessive focus of family life on children, and the third is the loss of family traditions.

- We are reaping the fruits of the post-war period, says the expert. - Many men did not return from the front, others healed their wounds, and women took on uncharacteristic worries. As a result, the representatives of the stronger sex relaxed and began to shift the solution of everyday problems onto the shoulders of the spouse, and the wives set the tone for their daughters and subsequent generations. Men concentrated on making money and withdrew from the process of raising children. What model of behavior in this case is equal to the boy? How can he learn to be the head of the family?

Third wheel

All the best for children. We are accustomed to live, guided by this idea. In difficult times, this approach was justified. Since families often found themselves in survival situations, the best piece was given to the child. Now, thank God, we are not starving, but we still continue to educate these little gods around whom the whole world revolves.

Statistics show that the largest percentage of divorces occurs in the first year of a baby's life. Why? Parents are not ready to live together. According to the head of the social project BabyStory.by Natalya Mironchuk, a man is simply not given a chance to become needed. Mothers are afraid to leave their husbands with a child: they will feed them the wrong way, they will put on the wrong hat. After the birth of a baby, dad often becomes an outcast in the family - his wife and grandmothers say: move away, we ourselves. And the man has no choice but to really step aside.

It is not surprising that now they are seriously talking about introducing mandatory paternity leave and encouraging dads to go on maternity leave. Here is the Deputy Representative of the United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA) in Belarus Elena Kasko believes that men should be given the opportunity to spend more time with their children.

Do not forget that in an incomplete family it is very difficult to raise a child who will not feel defective in some way. Especially the boy. Far from every woman succeeds in avoiding distortions in his upbringing. At the same time, many believe that it is easier for mom to build a line of behavior with girls. However, there are nuances here too. If the daughter is not surrounded by an atmosphere of daddy's love, then it is possible that she will grow up as an insecure person, she may have difficulties in relations with the opposite sex.

In the family circle

Finally, the last and, perhaps, the most significant cause of family problems is the loss of traditions, the loss of continuity in the transfer of positive experience. People have forgotten how to communicate. Even within the same apartment. I have acquaintances who corresponded via Skype, being in neighboring rooms ...

- I'm not talking about the fact that family gatherings have gone out of fashion - with grandparents, joint trips to the forest, to the river, - says Ekaterina Maltseva. - In an attempt to abandon everything Soviet, we also turned our backs on our roots. Listening to the opinion of the older generation has become out of fashion. Everyone tries to live with his own mind. There are no relics that are inherited. There is no atmosphere that pulls a person home.

... Masha speaks with great trepidation about her grandfather, who is well over 80 years old. He visits him, brings food, buys newspapers. When he got to the hospital, she visited almost every day, and together with her husband. Relationships that deserve respect. Alas, today they are a rarity. Increasingly, communication with loved ones is slipping into the material and everyday plane. They expect from the ancestors that they will give money, help build an apartment, make happy with an expensive gift. A purely consumer approach that will never become the basis for a strong family. And until we understand this, we will continue to shrug our hands again and again in bewilderment: why did they all the same run away? It would seem that the house is a full bowl. What did people miss?

And they lacked a little - warmth, attention, love, care ...

For reference

According to the National Statistical Committee, in 2016 in Belarus there were 506 divorces per 1,000 marriages. Most new families were created in Minsk - over 15 thousand. However, the capital also leads in the number of divorces. Last year, 7,470 marriages were annulled.

I am 29 years old. Many of my friends have already married, and even gave birth to children. Only I am poor, I still don’t “work up, I don’t swell”. But seriously, I don't want
to marry, because I know in advance that neither husband nor father will come of me!
I never shared family happiness. Family for me is a burden, obligation, everyday life. For me, entertainment and relaxation have always been the main thing in life, and with
family is by definition impossible. And when children appear, you can forget about what personal life is. What is there to say! Even if with a car I only
and I think, “Before, there was life in peace and with money, and now it’s a complete hassle and ruin!”. It makes me want to sell my car and walk again. And what really
talking about kids? I just won't rest until I'm divorced.
Yes, I am an egoist and a loafer who thinks only of himself and is afraid of difficulties. That's why I never had a girlfriend. In short, I am destined to die in a proud
loneliness, because the family is by no means for me!

Sergey, age: 04/29/2015

Man, so if you are an egoist and a loafer, why are you writing here then? Nobody needs such people in life, here you need to change your attitude towards these things so that at least a girl appears.
Girls will not look at such people, girls want more family happiness and children, marriage and other things from this. Persistence and protection and to be like behind a stone wall. draw conclusions in
in the end, you need it in life all the same, or you will be an eternal bachelor.

Alessa, age: 25/05/01/2015

This is your life, no one is forcing you to marry. Although something definitely does not suit you in your lifestyle, since you are writing here.
Try talking to your friends who are married and happily married, maybe you will change your mind.

Elena, age: 35 / 05/02/2015

Hello, sergey! I will try to write a small review on your problem of loneliness. In your message, something like two scales is clearly traced, on
you put responsibility, care for your neighbors on one bowl, entertainment and everything connected with them on the other. In fact, you are weighing your own egoism and, apparently,
clearly outweighs. Perhaps it would be possible to end here, but something led you to this site and made you write. Sergey, everything in this world is in balance, everything
things are interconnected. If you take more from life than you give, sooner or later through crises and hardships you will understand that our whole life is a struggle with our own
selfishness. And there are only two ways, either start this fight or give up. You are on a site that in one way or another calls for this struggle to begin, points to
RIGHT paths. Only people for whom this struggle has been won are capable of a happy family life. Dare! With all my heart I wish you a successful fight against the disease 21
century - selfishness.

Maxim, age: 05/29/2015

Sergey, good afternoon!
You're right, you can't start a family right now.
And actually why?
The family is voluntary. Children should be loved, caring for them should
become an honorable duty. A wife should be loved and protected.
And of course, the family should take first place.
Why have children?
To get divorced later?
But what about the fact that you are responsible for your children?
If the family is already a burden to you, then it will be much more noble not to start it at all.
It is better to create a family late, but be prepared for this.
Nobody is rushing you. And does not force. The case is content

Age: - / 05/04/2015

Hello Seryozha!
But it seems to me that the person who "does not believe in himself" - in the sense that you think that you will not succeed, is actually the closest to the truth. Because
that ... everyone can stumble, but, as a rule, it is not customary to think about this in advance. Many create families, but think that it is unlikely that he / she will be able to become a good husband /
unit's wife.
You know, it also seems to me that there are such events in life for which it is very difficult to prepare and one hundred percent is unlikely when you will be ready. Creating a family and having children
from this category.
But you need to prepare for this. This is true. And the unwillingness to take these steps - to take responsibility is the unwillingness to grow up ...
And family is not boring. This is not household and not obligatory. You probably think so because you just haven’t met a girl with whom you would be interested and with
which you would be ready to live this life from and to. Yes, when you see a baby son or little daughter in the arms of your beloved wife, you just want to be with them,
protect them! Do you know with what joy you will do exercises for your baby? And how you will rejoice at his radiant smile!
Seryozha, you just take everything seriously, although maybe now you will deny my words ... And that's good. Seriously! Now there are not enough serious guys!

Masha, age: 25/05/05/2015

Your life, do what you want. You don't have to get married just because everyone else is doing it.
Especially if you know in advance that nothing good will come of it ...

Lisa, age: 05/19/2015

Everything is changing - if now all the doors are open and everything is fine, then the pancreas, liver and other organs will make themselves felt after a while - you won’t feel like drinking, walking
it will not be able to actively, but there is no one nearby ... But the idea of ​​\u200b\u200b"walking" is familiar, for a motorist. On the other hand, there is a time for everything, it is a personal matter for everyone - to have
or not to have, but selfishness, Kant's imperative, etc. - just a device created by people for specific purposes. But this approach does not negate what I said earlier.

Sniper, age: 35 / 05/06/2015

Sergey, I have similar thoughts. I'm wealthy, handsome, yet free. I had many girls, but I never wanted to start a family. Digging introspection, I was able to honestly myself
to admit that I value freedom and high from life. For me, the family is a way of life, a cooling of feelings, a forced obligation. I also don't want kids. I will not say that I am an ardent opponent of children, I
I like to communicate with them, but I can’t imagine myself as a father. I get sick of diapers, hooting, in general, the thought of going to parent-teacher meetings, some circles, etc. finishes me off. I understand,
that with the birth of a child, the vector of life will pass to him, you will spend all your energy on him. I am 35 years old, before I was strongly pressed by the opinions of others "like you need to get married", "the age is right",
"We want grandchildren." But now I'm more and more inclined to think - I don't owe anything to anyone. This is my life and I want to live it the way I want. And in general, I have thoughts of living up to 50 in my
pleasure, enjoying life, different girls. And then sell everything and go somewhere to live, where the soul lies, in Bali or Greece.

Alexey, age: 35 / 08/04/2016

Good time of the day.
By age, I am no longer a boy. Many of my peers got married and divorced in the second round and every time, as they say
for love. This is their private life, and I do not interfere in it with my judgments. It's funny when people start giving advice themselves
silent about their adultery, affairs, drunkenness, etc. They say that I am selfish, inferior and generally moral
freak. It used to hurt me, but over time I stopped accepting all this unconstructive criticism. And because of his
I can say that I had to achieve a "lonely" way of life with my own work from my youth. A bunch of bumps and disappointments, and it's easier
it was all to bear it in oneself. There was practically no time for personal life: study, work, helping parents (I am the main
getter). Now I give all my strength to work, I try not only to perform it mechanically, but also to bring something new. IN
In a way, this is my family. But the habit of being on my own remains and I can’t imagine myself with someone in a pair, well
I don't have such a need.
Everyone has the right to build their life according to their own understanding and in accordance with the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation, of course, to listen to other people's advice and
do as he sees fit.

Wanderer, age: 03/29/2018

I don’t want a family at all, but I have parents, relatives and friends who haunt me, assuring me that a girl needs a family. I will soon be 20 years old, several of my peers have already given birth and got married. Parents really want grandchildren, but I don’t think about children myself. It’s easier for my mother, besides me, she has three more older children and already has two grandchildren, but my father has one and no one will give him these grandchildren. I don’t want to hurt him, but I also don’t want to burden myself. Mom is angry, says that I'm some kind of crazy and I need to be sent for compulsory treatment, and my father says that all girls want to get married and all this nonsense will soon disappear from your head. Won't fade))
I value my freedom and want to enjoy life, it is still alone and it would be stupid to spend it on other people's desires.
Alexey from 08/04/2016 I am also thinking of earning money and going to another country, perhaps to the USA or Japan.

Despite the fact that by virtue of my profession I have saved many couples, I myself can no longer and do not want to force myself to get married. The thing is, I'm very good at being alone. I found such an extraordinary harmony in my loneliness that I think with horror - can someone really break it, be it a man or a child. Another problem is that I don't want children. But my environment constantly puts pressure on me - “It is necessary, necessary, necessary to give birth, especially at your age, otherwise it will be too late! It is immoral when a woman can give birth, but does not want to! And I need to get married again. It’s not clear who needs it, well, obviously not for the unborn child, since I don’t feel like a mother, not all women are given this (and if it’s not given, then you don’t have to force yourself). Sometimes, in order to get rid of tactless questions why I do not have children, and the same tactless advice, I lie that I am infertile.
I was married for three years (six years before that, they just met - before marriage, the relationship was much better), but I broke up due to the fact that we turned into completely strangers who had nothing else to connect except for a common refrigerator (life killed all love). Now I have been living alone for three years, and you know - such a huge lightness of being is beyond words! During the day - my favorite job, in the evening - books, interesting films, meetings with girlfriends and friends in a restaurant or club, on weekends a generous and handsome married lover who gives me much more bonuses (luxurious sex, expensive gifts and money) than ever before. then gave the husband and does not require much attention. And I think with horror - can I really lose all this! I won't give up my freedom for anything in the world! And again, this is public opinion: “boo, boo, boo. You won't always be beautiful and young (actually I'm not that young, I just look 10 years younger than my years)! Boo, boo, boo, it's time to find a match for yourself! It's like in a joke - a man lived all his life with an unloved wife so that in old age there would be someone to give a glass of water to. And then, when this old age came, his wife asks him: “Do you want water?” And he frowned and answered: “Yes, I don’t want something anymore.”
And one more thing - I'm an introvert. To feel happy, I just need to wake up alone and also be alone for some time during the day or evening. My ex-husband was terribly offended by this need of mine - constant scandals that I loved to sleep in another room alone (well, I don’t get enough sleep with a man, and that’s it, even with the most desirable one); scandals that I love to close myself in my room - read books or write some scientific papers, even though before that I diligently fulfilled my marital duty, and he had an orgasm several times. I don’t know, maybe if I met a man who didn’t encroach on my space, I could fall in love again. But, alas, most men are owners.
There is a movement of sexual minorities - they walk around the world with banners, they say, give us the freedom to live the way we want. It looks like they were accepted. It would be necessary to create another movement of minorities - the movement of introverts (alas, a large society consists of extroverts, with great social needs). Here we would go around the world with banners and shout: “Give us the right to live the way we want, as it is comfortable for our psyche! Give us our space! And stop judging us! But since introverts are introverts, and they are comfortable in their own world, alas, they will not create any movement.
It's a pity. I no longer know how to convey to relatives and friends (close friends, thank God, understand) that although I am alone, I am a full-fledged person. And how humiliating all these sympathetic sighs of the family: “Oh, she is alone, unhappy, no children, no family!” Yes. There is no tact in our Russian society. And I want to answer: “People, honestly, if I’m not like you, it doesn’t mean that I’m unhappy just because my husband’s snoring and the absence of children’s screams give me the opportunity to get enough sleep at night and look young thanks to this. And for happiness, I do not need to chat a lot in the evenings with my own kind. You are afraid of loneliness like fire and consider it a punishment, for me the punishment is to live with someone every day, 24 hours under the same roof! And if I live the way you live, my psyche will not stand it, and I will start to get sick.
Sorry if it's harsh. It just hurt. I've had enough of this my environment! Just don't meet with your parents or relatives anymore! Although I am a psychologist by training, we can sort everything out. But emotions are not alien to us either, so I threw everything out here.

Hello Vika! I am a mother of two sons aged 30 and 28. The elder graduated from the institute, works as a lawyer, got married. The youngest in life is easy-going, often changes women, constantly having fun.

At the same time, he graduated from the institute with honors, at work he is valued as a good specialist, he does not drink, does not smoke, plays sports. I keep waiting for his entertainment to end, but there is no end in sight. I ask him to rent an apartment for himself (lives with us), but he does not want to. He says: “Are you driving me?” He helps both financially and in the country, but I really want him, like his older brother, to become a family. He does not want to discuss this topic - he runs away. He once said that he would marry at 40. I despaired in my attempts to explain to him that it was time to have something more than a free and carefree life. What to do?

Dear M.! And if so far your son has not met a woman “by fate”, as the people say? Does he have to get married just so that his mother does not worry? Funny, oh god...

Adult children should decide for themselves what to do with their lives. And they will also bear responsibility for it themselves. We, the older generation, have fulfilled our mission. Of course, the fate of parents is to worry about their children until the end of their days. But this does not mean the right to interfere in their personal affairs. We must learn to live with the knowledge that the umbilical cord has been cut completely. How to come to this? Let's try to figure it out...

At 18 - out of sight?

The daughter and son-in-law of a friend of mine, after graduating from the biology faculty of Moscow State University, were lured to the States, where they have been living for 25 years, dealing with cancer problems. “Can you imagine,” a friend said with tears in her eyes, “when I come to visit them, I almost don’t see my granddaughter. At the age of 18, they allowed a student girl to live separately, they rent an apartment for her, although they themselves have a huge 3-story house. They say that in America everyone does this so that children learn independence. In recent decades, this idea has been heavily hammered into our heads. Numerous publications publish articles and tests, translated from Western media, on the benefits of pushing chicks out of the parental nest when they come of age. Most psychologists work according to foreign methods, completely rejecting the very idea that we are people with a different psychology. And that it is dangerous for our people to break through the knee the age-old foundations rooted in the subconscious. After all, a way of life is formed over the centuries. For us, whose ancestors have always lived in family clans, forcibly pushing children out of the house early can lead to generational alienation, to the final disappearance of the closeness between parents and children. And, as a result, to lonely helpless old age. On the other hand, Russian love for children is also already reaching the point of absurdity. Having lived a long period of life in a regime of material restrictions, many, with the advent of prosperity, began to immensely pamper their children, to fulfill their slightest wishes, and such guardianship lasts for many years. To avoid bias, you need to find a "golden mean" between the Western and Russian approaches in relations with adult children. From the house at 18 - 20 years old, do not expel, but do not wipe the snot until the age of 40.

Three positions of parents of adult children

1. Do not impose a choice of life path

When a person graduates from school and the question arises: “Where to go now?” - the decision is most often made under the influence of parents, and sometimes directly at their will. Quite often, offspring become successors of professional dynasties. The motives of parents are clear: there are connections, which means that after graduation, the opportunity to attach a child to a good job. Remember the bearded joke about Vovochka, which asks:

Grandfather, will I be a general like you?

You will, he replies confidently.

And the marshal?

No, the marshal has his own grandson...

In principle, there is nothing wrong with succession if the child really feels called to this work. However, most often it is not talent that directs him, but the desire for the same success and prosperity that his father or mother achieved. This is especially true in the creative professions. But nature usually rests on the children of geniuses. Most of them do not reach the heights, many begin to drink too much, feeling like a failure. Therefore, do not put pressure on the offspring in the matter of choosing a profession. And when he announces his own decision, do not dissuade, do not meddle with advice. They must be given if the son or daughter specifically asks you to do so.

2. Don't run around like a chicken and an egg

Many grown-up children, like the author of our letter, do not want to separate themselves. It is much more convenient for them to live in a house where it is always clean and comfortable, where, as if by magic, dirty bedding is changed to clean, fresh shirts appear in the closet, and there is always something tasty in the kitchen. Therefore, more and more people (most often this applies to men) continue to live in their father's house after 30 years. How should parents behave in this case? While the child is studying, I consider it absolutely normal that they support him as much as possible. If the family has enough money, there is no point in forcing the child to work at McDonald's "for educational purposes", as is practiced in America. All his forces should be thrown to study. However, there is no need to rush around an 18-year-old person like a chicken with an egg. Alas, many parents are unwilling to accept the fact that their children have matured. Most continue to believe that it is necessary to continue to constantly instruct them, to follow their every step. What if, without our guidance, the “child” will go astray from the true path? We will never learn psychologically to let go of our adult children, because we consider them the most important achievement of our lives. And when there is no need to take care of them, we feel the deepest longing and emptiness. And this is a terrible mistake. A person does not begin to feel like an adult while he is being coddled. Even if you live together, you do not need to fully cater for adult children in the domestic plan. They should have their own responsibilities in housework. In this regard, I just like the Western approach. I will feed you, buy the most necessary clothes, but if you want to have fancy equipment, super fashionable clothes, please, work hard. Once a week, clean the apartment, help your father with repairs, bring a grid of potatoes from the store.

3. Take care of yourself

Instead of suffering about the “wrong” life of grown-up children, take care of your own affairs, which you have been putting off for later all your life: “There will be time, I will re-read Dostoevsky (Chekhov, Pikul, etc.)”, “I will retire and finally drive along the Golden Ring (I will make a tour along the Volga, etc.)”. So take advantage of this opportunity! Oh yes, you have a new exciting hobby - taking care of your grandchildren? Are you sure that you will be terribly in demand again, and your advice will be invaluable? You should not delude yourself. Along with the decision to start a family, your children have also outlined a strategy for behavior in their own family, the principles for raising their offspring. And these positions, which may be very different from yours, must be respected. The most correct way to communicate with the family of a son or daughter, if they live separately, is to behave like a guest. Do not go into someone else's monastery with your charter, do not check whether linen is properly packed in the closets and whether there is food in the refrigerator. When living together, also do not impose your help, respond only to requests, but at the same time do not allow yourself to sit on your neck and turn yourself into a domestic servant. Your position: “I will babysit, but warn me about it in advance. And today, excuse me, I have planned a trip with a friend to the exhibition.

The years pass quickly, and when our children pass 40, they begin to reassess their values. If the offspring, in whose hair gray hair is already breaking through, suddenly wants to talk about life, complain about his family problems, listen to him without unnecessary comments. He knows what to do without us. But who else in the world, except for mother and father, will understand everything, forgive and not condemn. If one manages not to break the bonds with children during one's life, there is hope that in old age they will become a reliable support. By the way, never be afraid to ask for help from children. No need to be offended, complain that the son himself will never offer to take you to the country, will not ask if you need to throw some money. If you really feel any need, say so directly. Adult children behave this way not out of spiritual callousness, but because their thoughts are occupied with other concerns. If you are silent, they think that you are all right.