The phases of experiencing a divorce - whoever is warned is armed. A year has passed. The phase of depression and conscious suffering

Strange feeling.

Lived in the world Heart. It lived quietly in the depths of the soul. And, in general, no one bothered.
One day a feeling came into my soul. It was a long time ago. Heart liked the feeling. The heart valued the Feeling very much, it was afraid of losing it. Even the door with a key to close the beginning. They wandered for a long time through the back streets of the soul, talking about nothing, dreaming. In the evenings, they made a fire together to warm their souls.
The heart got used to the Feeling and it seemed to him that the Feeling would stay with him forever. Feeling, in fact, as promised. It was so romantic. But one day the feeling was gone. The heart was looking for him everywhere. Long searched. But then in one of the corners of the soul they found a hole cut with an ax. The feeling just ran away, leaving a huge hole.

But one day a very strange feeling knocked on my soul. At first, the Heart did not open. The feeling did not climb into the hole, as the previous ones did, but it remained to sit at the door. All evening the heart wandered to the soul. At night I went to bed, just in case, putting a broom next to the bed. Nobody had to be chased away. The next morning, looking into the lock with an ax hole. The feeling just ran away, leaving a huge hole.
The heart blamed itself for everything - it believed the Feeling too much to be offended. In memory of the Feeling, there was only one hole left in the soul. She didn't cover up with anything. And at night a Cold and Evil Wind flew through it. Then the soul shrinks and freezes.
Then other feelings tried to look into the soul. But the Heart would not let them in, each time driving them out with a broom through the hole. Little by little, the feelings stopped coming at all.
But one day a very strange feeling knocked on my soul. At first, the Heart did not open. The feeling did not climb into the hole, as the previous ones did, but it remained to sit at the door. All evening the heart wandered to the soul. At night I went to bed, just in case, putting a broom next to the bed. Nobody had to be chased away. The next morning, looking through the keyhole of the Heart, I was convinced that the Strange Feeling was still sitting near the door. The heart began to get nervous, realizing that it was impossible to drive away someone who had not yet entered.
Another day has passed. There was no limit to the confusion of the Heart. It realized that it wanted to let the Strange Feeling go to death. And he's scared to death to do it. My heart was scared. It was afraid that the Strange Feeling would run away like the first one. Then a second hole will appear in the soul. And there will be a draft.
So the days passed. The heart got used to the Strange Feeling at the door. And once, in a good mood, a strange feeling let in. In the evening they kindled a fire and for the first time in so many years warmed the soul for real.
- You will go away? - unable to stand it, asked the Heart.
"No," said Strange Feeling, "I won't leave." But on the condition that you do not hold me back and do not lock the door.
“I won’t lock the door,” Heart agreed, “but you can escape through the old hole.”
And the Heart told Strange Feeling its story.
"I don't run through old holes," Strange Feeling smiled, "I'm a different feeling."
His heart did not believe him. But he invited me for a walk.
- Where's your old hole? inquired Strange Feeling.
“Well, here it is,” Heart smiled bitterly. And showed the place where the hole was located ...
But there was no hole. The heart heard the evil cold wind swearing from the outside of the soul.
The Heart looked at the Strange Feeling, smiled and said only that it would never lock the door... 08/09/2018 10:40:19, Ivanova Lana

A few words about the father of my child. He really is a great guy. Every Friday he takes his son to him and brings him to me on Sunday afternoon. He pays alimony properly. If the son needs something, he goes and buys it. Additional classes are paid 50/50. Alimony does not apply. I'm proud. And now information for those who are afraid to be alone. All this is complete nonsense. If you are a good person, there will always be someone who will care for and cherish you. You don't have to be beautiful to do this. In 2015, 4 years after my divorce, I met the most beautiful man in the world. Who loves me and my child madly. We are planning a wedding in the fall. Son loves him. And by the way, I'm not Naomi Campbell. And I weigh 107 kg. But this did not affect my happiness in any way. I would imagine that I would not have divorced, and would have squandered my greatest happiness, it already becomes bad. So all this is complete nonsense, that no one needs us with children. Needed, still needed. The most important thing is to believe. And everything will be. In conclusion, I want to add that now I am friends, my current husband, my ex-husband and his wife. The truth is, no one understands how this is possible. But we really don't care. For the sake of the child, we learned to live together. Thanks to my current husband, my son has an idea of what it's like when a man loves his woman. How should he treat her? Looking at the attitude of my spouse towards me, the child absorbs this attitude. And, God forbid, that he learned everything that my husband does for me. If he learns, any woman with him will be insanely happy.

How quickly everything goes by. For the first three or four years after the divorce, I cried almost every day at night! The stress was very strong, there was a hormonal failure, as a woman there are very big problems. After 3-4 years, she began to cry less, but still VERY worried. Now 10 years have passed, I got married this summer, but I still can’t forget him. When I see his photo in contact with his wife and son, tears well up. And I probably won’t be able to have children anymore, after this hormonal failure.

A year has passed since the divorce: what has changed

If two years have passed since the divorce, then there is no reason to look back, because you can’t change anything, so you need to put an end to what was and move on with confidence. At first, a person does not know where to go and what to do with himself, but after a certain time it becomes much easier. You need to set yourself up for the fact that this is a good step into a new life.

Psychology Forum

You may say infantile, but I have a feeling of complete uselessness of what is happening. Here is a man (still the same, from a random novel), he says I love a magician, let's get married, but my dissonance is brewing, I don’t want and I can’t as before, it doesn’t work out. With my child, I feel comfortable for my soul only and with my fucking memories from past happy times, in correspondence and telephone conversations with friends who are also comfortable a thousand kilometers away from me, but in a new life it’s uncomfortable and that’s it.

One year after divorce

But a year has passed, I have calmed down for a long time. Negative to the ex-husband has long been gone. I can quite calmly think about him, about his girlfriend. I don't wish them any harm. I myself am still alone, but solely because I simply was not ready for a new relationship and wanted to wait. Yes, and there is no way to go on dates with my son (even I can’t go to the doctor, I don’t have anyone to leave with). Well, I haven't met anyone I'd like to meet yet. Although now there may already be such a person ... But I'm not sure ...

Man after divorce: how to build a new relationship

The lives of divorced men are different. A huge percentage (about 65%) create a new family up to 5 years after the dissolution of the marriage. In the period from 5 to 10 years, about 15% of guys remarry, 20% are ready for official relations after the expiration of a twenty-year period, 5% never reach the registry office.

Man after divorce or seventeenth month syndrome

For many men, one of the most important (if not the most important!) factor in marriage is the so-called "military school cadet syndrome" or, as F. Pitman calls it, "non-standard cadet syndrome." Imagine a young man from an intelligent family, far from military interests, who finished school well or is already studying at a university. And suddenly, unexpectedly for everyone, contrary to the persuasion of his parents and friends, he enters a military school or volunteers for the army.

Rating of top blogs in Runet

5. Sex. He is regular and more varied than he was in marriage. And this is despite the fact that I practically gave up on the topic after the divorce. There were only a few thematic meetings in which I took part as an active member, and I was convinced that the topic was interesting to me as long as my favorite was in it. Without my beloved in the subject, I have nothing special to do, only take pictures. Therefore, the last two years I have had mostly classic sex, one on one with a girl. I remember some vrendesses wrote that after my experience, ordinary traditional sex would not be interesting to me. But it is not so if it is for love. Besides, I was lucky with the girls.

What problems accompany the life of a woman after a divorce

The consequences of a divorce can be very sad if one of the spouses begins to get involved in drinking alcohol. Trying to drown out their pain, suppress it, get rid of painful thoughts, people do not notice how they sink deeper and deeper into the bottom. Then they lose everything: friends, work, relatives and themselves. At this time, a person definitely needs attention from the outside.

How to move on after a divorce: the first year of loneliness

Married man, ready for a light fling on the side. Many have just such a lover, but frankly, the world is full of single men, so why create unnecessary difficulties for yourself?
younger than you. Men are reluctant to marry women older than themselves, but with great pleasure they have similar mistresses. For our mind, this is incomprehensible, but they normally tolerate our excess weight (within reasonable limits, of course), and cellulite and the first wrinkles. With a young lover, the world will sparkle with new colors, you will want to live, skydive, dance until the morning, or, more likely, somersault in bed until the morning.
A holiday romance. Let it be short, let it not end with anything, but you will remember these minutes with great pleasure until the end of your life. A friend of mine recently returned from Egypt. She and a friend went there to be treated for depression caused by divorce, the division of property and a long treatment for bronchitis that developed into asthma. A young Egyptian boy literally “cured” her of depression, all complexes and even asthma in just a week (at least she is sure of this :)). Now she does not walk, but flies and makes grandiose plans for the future.
Two lovers. Firstly, if you have been an exemplary wife for many years, then this is a new experience, and secondly, it is almost a guarantee that you will not fall in love with anyone, but simply pleasantly diversify your life. The main thing is that they never know each other.
Online dating. Good helps to recover after a divorce communication on the Internet. Even if you don’t want or can’t meet someone in real life yet, flirting on the Internet with men from all over the world, receiving compliments and even having virtual sex, you can quickly feel younger and happier.

family psychology

Not everyone can live alone. By this period, mental fatigue from independent bachelor life also accumulates. Parting with his family, the man dreamed of throwing off or at least reducing the burden of cares and responsibilities for the family, becoming more free. But after a few weeks of intoxication with freedom, most divorcees begin to realize that living alone is not at all as easy as it seemed for many years of marriage.

Life after divorce

- If the spouse who stayed with the children fails to create a new family, then the following question arises: how to ensure the harmonious development of the child's personality with a lack of male (or female) example, influence. Psychologists know the personality distortions that are characteristic of girls who grew up without dads, boys without moms ...

7 reasons for divorce after a year of marriage

There is not one, but a whole list of reasons due to which a divorce can happen a year after marriage: alcoholism, drug addiction, irresistible aggression of one of the spouses, infidelity, disappointment in the husband / wife, active interference of parents or friends in family life, various goals, new love...

The phases of the divorce experience - who is forewarned is forearmed

On average, this period lasts 8-9 weeks. This is a time of mental turmoil and experiences, when the feeling of the meaninglessness of life, loneliness, fear and helplessness is fully manifested. A woman left alone after a divorce, a break with her beloved, usually experiences many conflicting feelings.

To appreciate a wife, you need to get a divorce

Most divorced people lose interest in this side of life within a year and a half after the start of their “free” life. The holiday you dreamed of does not work out. And when this thought finally penetrates the consciousness, when a realistic assessment of women is formed, depression arises. In parallel, there is a clearer, calmer assessment of previous family life.

Is there life after 40 years after divorce

At such a moment it is very important not to be led by your own thoughts, you must learn to love yourself. If a woman does not value and respect herself, how will others value her? If you don’t like your figure, sign up for a gym; embarrassed by the hairstyle and the lack of makeup - go to the makeup artist and hairdresser, take an example from movie stars who, after 40, keep themselves in good shape and do not relax for a minute.

Since the existence of psychological science, it has been generally accepted that the collapse of a prosperous family that has existed for five, seven, or ten years is a serious mental trauma, primarily for a woman. Thousands of experts have argued and proved that the rupture of long-term emotional attachment in most of the fair sex entails at first an acute crisis state, which then turns into chronic depression.

“After the collapse of a successful and long marital union, a woman practically no longer returns to her previous level of mental health,” says Norman Farberow, the largest modern psychotherapist. Every eighth divorcee makes a suicidal attempt, every fourth seeks psychotherapeutic help, more than half experience severe depression requiring treatment; in the first year after a breakup, women take half of all antidepressants sold in civilized countries - today even a sophomore psychologist knows about this. Considering that about 50% of all families break up in big cities, most of them - after 5 - 7 - 10 years of marriage, it becomes clear how serious the problem is the "post-divorce syndrome".

But men experience a break in a long-term emotional attachment much easier - we have a positive experience of such a break. We mean the separation from the mother and the transition to the so-called. “male subculture” that occurs between the 5th and 7th years of our childhood. Indeed, immediately after the divorce, we do not observe in them either severe depression, or obsessive memories of past family life, or feelings of guilt, or fear of the future. The “ease” of moving from marital ties to a completely different way of life always amazes and even shocks ex-wives.

How does the further fate of divorced men develop through the eyes of psychological statistics?

65% of them will remarry within the next five years, while the vast majority of them do not regret the divorce, but are convinced that the first wife was better. Another 15% marry within five to 10 years of divorce. Of greatest interest to psychotherapists are those remaining 20% who create a new family (or permanent couple) only after twenty years or more, thereby spending the best 20 years of their life without permanent attachment - from about 27 to 47 years. This group of men, together with those who did not initially create a family, doom 30, and in some cities - 33% of quite worthy representatives of the fair sex to loneliness.

But in the last ten years, divorced men have become the object of close attention of psychologists, psychotherapists and sexologists. One of the reasons for this is the sharply increased number of their requests for psychotherapeutic and sexological help. Today they make up to 30% of the practitioner's clients, and in half of the cases, as in the case of Sergey, they are brought to the appointment by their ex-wives.

The most frequent problems: depression, feeling of loneliness, confusion, overeating, alcohol abuse (often beer!), decreased interest in professional activities, decreased sexual activity, premature ejaculation and other sexual disorders. These symptoms reach their maximum development, as a rule, in the middle of the second year after the divorce and are called the “seventeenth month syndrome”.

What are the causes of this syndrome? Psychological studies, including the most modern and reliable (the introduction of "truth serum", surveys in a state of hypnotic immersion - all, of course, on a voluntary basis!) have shown that disappointment is in the first place among these reasons. One of the most important motives for parting with a spouse is the idea (often rather vague) that, being “free”, he will meet some extraordinary woman, beautiful, sexy, kind, caring and, of course, younger. He dreams of some vivid sexual sensations, different from ordinary sex with his wife.

These dreams are only partially realized, a closer acquaintance with new women brings not only joy, but often disappointments, even resentment: girlfriends are not caring enough, they criticize and reproach us, and sometimes they are sexually unfaithful. The holiday that was dreamed of does not work out, and when this thought finally penetrates the consciousness, when a realistic assessment of women is formed, depression forms. At the same time, a clearer, calmer assessment of the previous family life takes place, in memory (this is how our memory is arranged!) The most joyful, brightest episodes of married life emerge. At this time, more than half of the divorced are thinking about returning to the family, but the harsh laws of the male community categorically forbid us from doing this.

Not everyone can live alone

By this period, mental fatigue from independent, “bachelor” life also accumulates. Parting with the family, we dreamed of throwing off or at least reducing the burden of cares and responsibilities for the family, becoming more free. But after a few weeks of intoxication with freedom, most divorcees begin to realize that living alone is not at all as easy as it seemed for many years of marriage.

Most men have a lot of internal "destructive" impulses - the desire to drink "beyond reason", to overeat, to spend more time on entertainment, sex, etc. Women have fewer impulses, and being better organized, more social beings, they suppress them much better. In a married couple, it is they who carry the social, organizing principle, helping the partner to direct his energy into the social channel, helping to cope with these impulses.

For many men, one of the most important (if not the most important!) factor in marriage is the so-called “military school cadet syndrome” or, as F. Pitman calls it, “non-standard cadet syndrome”. Imagine a young man from an intelligent family, far from military interests, who finished school well or is already studying at a university. And suddenly, unexpectedly for everyone, contrary to the persuasion of his parents and friends, he enters a military school or volunteers for the army.

Deep psychological studies of these youths, including surveys in hypnotic immersion conducted in the US and the UK, have shown that they are vaguely aware of the impulses in themselves, the desire to use alcohol, drugs, a disorderly life and seek salvation in the army ... from themselves.

Let me emphasize: these young people are not yet drunkards, and not drug addicts, and not revelers, but they already feel that they can become them. Having successfully served in the army for 20 or 25 years and having retired, they often become drunkards almost instantly, unable to resist their own destructive impulses “at liberty”.

It is clear that for many men, family life plays a stabilizing role in the army, and outside of it their psyche is destroyed - sometimes quite quickly.

If you look into the soul of the majority of the stronger sex, you will see that they dream and fantasize about a “free”, single life, about sexual freedom, about the opportunity to enjoy an intimate life not with one, but with different women, including random ones. In support of this, I could cite many facts, but I will cite the results of only one study.

Patrick McGee studied the motivations and fantasies of employees of a reputable Chicago computer firm between the ages of 30 and 45, typical of the American middle class. When introducing “truth serum” to the question “Which of your friends do you envy and why?” Of the 100 surveyed, 83 named two unmarried colleagues. And they envied their sexual freedom and lack of responsibility for their wife and children. It must be said that there were only two unmarried people in the studied group! At the same time, none of these 83 "envious" people is going to leave their family and embark on the "ocean of freedom" - they know that "they won't pull" this freedom!

And one more important circumstance. In the early years after a divorce, most of us try to fulfill our dreams and fantasies of having an intense sex life with multiple partners. As a rule, one of them is permanent, others are temporary, often for two or three meetings. In the fantasies of married men, a huge place is occupied by the so-called. impulsive (saw - met - entered into a sexual relationship) and short-term relationships - they have no place in marriage.

But sex is impulsive, short-term, sex with a “coming” partner is not at all like marital sex. With my wife, we have a so-called. "adjustment" - psychological and biological, the second is even more important. Although there is no particular attraction to each other (after several years of living together), the bodies of the husband and wife “adjusted” to each other at the level of biorhythms, excitement comes quickly, without prolonged foreplay, intimacy occurs stereotypically, the level of pleasure is high, and discharge achieved in 4-5 minutes.

Intimate life with new, sometimes unfamiliar partners requires many times more energy costs - psychological and physiological. The partner must be persuaded to intimate relationships, she needs to be caressed for quite a long time, the sexual intercourse itself is longer and more energetic (after all, there is no preliminary adjustment, it takes at least 5-7 meetings to form it, and at least minimal emotional attachment is necessary!).

I will give only one parameter (out of many): in closeness with my wife, the heart rate increases by 8-10 beats per minute and is maintained for 3-5 minutes after the end of sexual intercourse. In sexual intercourse with a new partner, the increase is 30-40 strokes and lasts 15-20 minutes. The numbers speak for themselves! You need to induce your partner with your own enthusiasm, you need to carefully monitor her condition, you need to continue communicating with her after intimacy, you often need to take her home! Of course, such closeness brings a lot of joy, but it also takes a lot of strength, reduces efficiency, initiative. That bright intimate life, which was dreamed of for many years spent in marriage, turned out to be only partially accessible, and for many it was completely inaccessible.

Researchers from different countries have noted a significant drop in sexual activity in the majority of divorced people already a year and a half after the start of a “free” life. They even reject active offers of sex from the women themselves, often young and temperamental, they reject exactly what they have been dreaming about for many years.

As for the responsibility for the family, which so oppresses many husbands, and from which they run away, it is replaced by a sharply increased responsibility for oneself: you have no one to consult with, no one to advise, no one to support in a difficult or difficult moment. The most important function of the family is psychotherapeutic, and a mistress, even the most benevolent, cannot take on this function - relations with her are not empathic enough. According to B. Trubnyak, two-thirds of the divorced, three years after the divorce, consider their “former” a more worthy person than a new wife or permanent girlfriend.

Studies of the “Seventeenth Month Syndrome” have shown that at this time, most divorced people think about returning to their family or creating a new one - they are ready to run away from the long-awaited freedom.

Just like that, two years have passed imperceptibly since the moment I got divorced and again felt all the charms of a bachelor's life. Some of you who read my blog recently probably did not even know that I was married, however, the first year I kept a magazine in a completely different status. There is no point in discussing the reasons for divorce again: those who need it know about them anyway, and within the framework of this post, I see no point in poking around in them. Instead, I would like to sum up the two years that I lived as a divorced man. Without a trailer, if anything, but I'm not proud of it.

Rather, it’s the opposite of a flaw, but it made my life easier, despite the fact that sometimes I hear exclamations: “You are already 32, you have been married for 8 years and you still have no children ??? Well, straaan and suspicious!” But these are people who got married on their own and who have no idea how you can live a married life and not have children. For them it is suspicious. One of the most "smart" TPs began to spread rumors that we tried, but nothing came of it, that it was a matter of health. But this, of course, is not the case. We had several reasons why we were in no hurry with the children, and they have nothing to do with health. But I'm not going to go into those details now either.

By the way, though rarely, we still communicate with my ex-wife and even see each other sometimes. Despite the fact that we are not connected by children, like most divorced couples. Some people don’t understand this either and think that I still have feelings for Yulia and I subconsciously want to return her. No. There are no more feelings for her. There are only memories associated with good moments, and if I miss, then only for these moments. Goosebumps down the back. There was only resentment that I failed to build a strong family based on love and trust. It was difficult, especially since recent years have not helped me at all in this, and a husband and wife, as you know, should always be for each other. This is one of the foundations of a strong family. We didn't succeed.

Claims were made to me when I worked hard and earned that I pay too little attention and interfere with sleep in the late evenings, as a result of which I handed over my left job, breaking all deadlines due to scandals and quarrels. After suffering for some time, I decided that the nerves are more expensive and the money is not worth it, because we already lived quite well: we made repairs, bought a good car, went on vacation abroad two or three times a year, saved up to expand our living space. I stopped taking leftists and changed my mind about opening my own online store, deciding to live quietly on a salary. And what do you think? After that, complaints began that I did not earn enough and did not want to develop, and my attention turned out to be, in general, no longer needed. But I went on principle, focusing only on my main work, and beyond that, I didn’t burden myself with anything else, carried away by photography.

Well, now let's turn directly to the results, because this is the most interesting. As you remember, I took Yulia to her parents, and I myself stayed to live alone in the apartment in which we lived with her for seven years and at first it was hard, because a lot of things reminded me of her, and I could not stay at home for a long time.

1. One of the main results. I live positively and in harmony with myself. In these two years, I have never quarreled with anyone! Never! And this despite the fact that during this time I was in fact never truly alone. It just so happened. I have never been brainwashed by anyone and I have not sent anyone, except for the girl whom I met through the Tender, and about whom a friend said: "Run away from her, she is fucked!" and turned out to be right. I wrote about her, you remember.

2. My house is in perfect order almost around the clock. I wash the dishes and clean up after myself, no one clutters up the apartment. The mole is gone. There was a lot of free space, especially after I threw away unnecessary furniture and trash. By the way, I still haven’t thrown away all the rubbish completely, I’m working on it.

3. I am my own boss, and I do what I want, I do not report to anyone. I wanted to - I work, and no one bothers me. I wanted to - I bought whiskey and got drunk. Nobody will say a word. He wanted to - he took a cat from the street, without consulting anyone. Or made a rearrangement in the apartment. I wanted to - I went to hang out all night, or to friends, or to play poker. Wanted - brought home friends at a convenient time, or a girl. It is necessary - I stayed at work and got drunk with colleagues, and then I came home and just went to bed, and in the morning no one looks with evil eyes. I wanted to - I went to the gym, instead of going to visit my wife's parents, although this did not bother me. I live as I want and do what I want, no one advises me. Freedom and independence, epta.

4. From now on, I cook for myself and only what I want and love. After the divorce, I gained 11 kg, and now I weigh 83, which I dreamed about. Surprising but true. Although my wife often cooked, and I liked it, but now it has become even better. Moreover, I learned how to cook my favorite mushroom soup, which she did not do in ten years that we were together. And by the way, my girlfriend also often cooks it for me in my kitchen, which says a lot to me. Now the main thing is to keep the weight on a given bar, not to gain too much, but even to lose some weight. I'm working on it.

Now a little about relationships. I already wrote that after the divorce, I almost never left alone, I always had someone. Serious relationships were twice, lasting ten months. The first ended at the initiative of the girl, the second continues and develops rapidly. I've never had a problem with dating, and through Tinder I met for the sake of interest and reports for the blog. I won't do this again. Due to my profession and hobbies, beautiful girls are constantly circling around me, and you can even choose what I never dreamed of before. But I won and achieved my girls by getting to know each other and taking the initiative myself.

This post may seem too selfish to you. Maybe it is, I don't care. I have already got used to living the way I like, and I will no longer adapt to anyone. The maximum is a compromise. Yes, it will be hard with me, but it is never easy. However, I do not live only for myself, as it might seem. I care and help my relatives and relatives. And at the same time I live the way I want and do only what I like. I wanted to - and did not fly anywhere on vacation, I work, I save up for a car and a bigger apartment. Yes, this could be done in a happy marriage, I don’t argue, but in those relationships it didn’t work out, because I don’t feel comfortable living in an atmosphere of constant quarrels and reproaches. Call me selfish if you like. I am ready to answer any of your questions.