Good afternoon, my name is Stanislav, you can just Stas, I'm 15 years old. I understand that I am still young and you are unlikely to consider my feelings stable, etc. But I ask you to listen to me and answer my question.
It all started in April of this year, when the 8th graders of our school went on an excursion to Belarus. There I met a girl, she was a student of 8 phil. class (Phil is a direction, from Philological). I don’t know why, but I didn’t notice her at school before, but when I saw her, I immediately fell in love and felt very good. By chance, I found out that she was in love with one guy, as I did not show interest in his personality, I could not even find out his name, only then I found out that it was me. I was with her for 4 weeks. Then our relationship collapsed, I thought for a long time and found the reasons for our separation. 1 - she has another boyfriend. 2 - I was very cautious then, I was afraid of losing her, so I behaved modestly. It's been 2 months since our separation and every day I feel worse and worse. I don't know what to do, I love her very much, she is very dear to me. I had girls before, I threw them, they threw me, but after a maximum of 2 weeks the wounds healed. This time, I can't forget her. No matter how much I look after her and make her happy, she perceives all my actions as friendly, I recently visited her for her birthday, to my regret her current boyfriend was there, when I saw how they kiss I had a very a strong desire to paint his face, but I thought about it and realized that this would not make anyone feel better. I understand that most likely you will offer me to let her go, but I can’t, I won’t force her to meet with me, but I don’t want to lose her. I love her very much and I'm ready to do everything for her, but I'm only her best friend and that's it. I turned to my friends, but they all say that I would let her go or they say that I myself will soon forget her, but I can’t, every day the pain in my heart grows stronger and stronger, I don’t know what to do. I am slowly eating myself from the inside.
Please take my message seriously, I understand if I had such a state in the first days of our separation, but this hell has already been going on for 2 months and every day is getting worse. Please help, thanks in advance.
Stas, Russia, Moscow, 15 years old
Answer from an art psychologist:
Hello Stas.
"Letting go" in a relationship is a very difficult matter, but, as they say, simple. Letting go in your situation means doing nothing. And feelings do not tolerate inactivity. You wrote that at your age, feelings may seem frivolous - by no means, feelings here are the most serious, frivolous - these are social and living conditions. And it plays into your hands. What do I mean by these conditions? And the fact that at this age your ex-girlfriend is just dating another young man, she is not going to marry him in 2 months, she is no longer married, she has not given birth to two children, etc. And this means that seeking the attention of a girl in such conditions is not ashamed, not reprehensible, and quite real. She quickly began dating a new young man after your relationship, why do you think that she will not be able to return everything back just as easily? So while there is a chance, look after her like a man, do not be shy, seek her, be active. If you wanted to recapture some new girl from some of her regular boyfriends, then this would not be very good. But in this case, you want to return your love and your relationship, and you have every right to do so. Try every chance, in the end, you can tell her about your feelings, seriously confess everything and not deviate from your intentions. And then, while you are seeking her, you will receive feedback from her, you will see her behavior, her reaction, and over time it will become clear what feelings you will have for her. Maybe everything will turn out in your favor and it will be fine. But if nothing works out, it will be a little easier for you to tune in to "let go" and "forget" her, because. You will definitely know that you did everything possible for the sake of your dream! Good luck to you!
Sincerely, Pugacheva Maria.
Question to the psychologist:
Good afternoon I have been dating a guy since I was 18. He is my first man. The relationship lasted 12 years. I was dominant in the relationship. For the past few years, a person has constantly annoyed me, often lashed out at him. We swore and parted a lot (the biggest gap was 2 weeks). But in February of this year, we broke up and he immediately found another girl, told everyone that he had fallen in love and was ready to get married soon. (when we were in a relationship, he constantly talked about the wedding and the need to start a family. I was not ready for this) The world turned upside down for me, I stopped sleeping, eating, I felt sick at night, I constantly cried. His relationship lasted less than 2 months and they broke up. We started dating again (I really wanted to drown out the pain that haunted me all these 2 months). We rented an apartment with him, but I couldn’t move there, I was looking for excuses (I was afraid). For 4 months he lived there alone, I came several times a week. We agreed that we would finally move at the end of September. All this time we did not fight. But a month ago there was a big fight. Immediately after our telephone conversation, he invited a girl on a date (whom he met at work a few days ago, the difference between them is 11 years). The next day, he said that we would no longer rent an apartment and the relationship was over. Until now, he meets with this girl, introduced her immediately to his parents and to all his friends. He tells everyone that he is madly in love. The world has turned upside down again, terrible thoughts of suicide visit as soon as I imagine it with her. I do not live for a month, but I exist.
The psychologist Unterova Victoria Vladimirovna answers the question.
Hello Julia! Apparently, for 12 years you have become so accustomed to the fact that this person is next to you that now you have to build a completely new way of life, and this is hard. According to you, I got the impression that it is painful for you to part with the habit, and not with the person. Since the man has irritated you in recent years, you did not want to live with him in a rented apartment. You write that you were afraid. Were afraid of what? Then you write that you started dating because you wanted to drown out your pain, you don’t mention anything about love for him. And he seemed to have very definite ideas about the future - he wanted a family. And he went his own way when he realized that you are not ready to give him what he wants.
Ask yourself questions: what do I really want? What kind of life do I need? What kind of relationship would I like now (and would like in general)?
You continue to hold on to your habit of being not alone, but, in fact, you and your man have been walking your own path for a long time, had different desires and goals. Only a man listened to his desires and went to fulfill them, but you do not listen to yours.
Julia, what are you afraid of now? Go beyond the boundaries of the world familiar to you, open the door and see what is there behind it? Are you sure that nothing good awaits you? But maybe still. Gain strength and go beyond these boundaries?
I like one phrase that I remember at different events.
"Whatever your desire, the Universe has one of three answers for you:
The first answer is "Yes";
The second answer is "Yes, but not now";
And the third answer is "I have something better for you."
You know, it seems to me that the third answer sounds to you now. You have devoted a fairly large period of your life to these relationships. Irritation does not arise from scratch, and if you have had it for years, it means that you did not feel happy. And now you are free and can build your own happiness.
Working with women after a breakup, I want to tell you that, despite the severity of experiences, unwillingness to live, apathy, most still allow themselves to grieve and let go of this pain, gain strength and dive into a new life, be happy. But there are also a small number of women who cherish their pain for years, and instead of living their lives, they continue to cling to memories, follow the events that take place in the lives of ex-husbands, and cry.
But it is very important to be ready to take responsibility for yourself and your future in your own hands. Julia, what are you spending your life on now? Do you remember your period of life before you started dating this young man? When were you 16-17 years old? Have you ever fallen in love with him? Were you happy? Did you catch the eyes of men? Was there an inner sense of drive at that time? If not, trust me, it's worth a try. If it was - remember how it was, remember your feelings. These feelings can come back to you again and again.
How do you want to be happy and not depend on anyone. I want to smile, to feel like a full-fledged woman, even during periods of loneliness. Are you really ready to shift the responsibility for your happiness to another person, even a partner?
Thinking: men vs women
Of course, we think, feel and perceive the world differently. Only, dear women, have you ever wondered why you never hear about “single men”? It's about how they perceive periods of non-relationship. For them, this is freedom! Why not start looking at the situation from this angle too?
We wonder how to learn to live alone. But it sounds somehow painful, with a slight note of sadness and suffering ... Why have we stopped perceiving loneliness as a chance?
Loneliness or opportunities?
Women, being alone, think that something in life is going wrong ... It seems that in the absence of a partner, some important detail is missing ... A puzzle that can be placed in the right place, and everything will become complete and harmonious. But is it?
Is breaking up with a man really that bad? Why are we accustomed to consider ourselves useless during these periods? Why do we carry loneliness in our hearts like a heavy load on our shoulders? But there are a lot of advantages to being alone!
Pros of being alone
№1
Energy. Think about how much time, effort and patience a woman spends on maintaining relationships. Especially when cohabiting. Cleaning the house, reconciliation after conflicts, the ability to give in on time ... You have to adapt to the other person: what movie to watch, when to go to bed, with whom to spend the weekend, how to spend the family budget.
If you are alone, all this is left to you to decide. You can see a friend, go to the store or spend the whole day in bed. And still forces remain!
№2
A free woman gets more pleasure from life. You can say "no" if you don't like sex, for example. You may never see each other again if you have a fight. Without a husband, you are able to choose with whom you want to spend the evening ... And not be afraid of how he will react, whether he will call it “treason”, whether he decides to take revenge.
№3
Being alone for some time, alone with themselves, women without men begin to love and respect themselves more: space, time, resources. You will finally be able to open your inner world, better understand your character, realize what you like to do? What places to visit?
It may turn out that the list will be the exact opposite of the one you followed when you were with a man.
№4
You should not be afraid of loneliness, and for the reason that it is not forever, but will also end. Rather than mourn, it is better to enjoy. 😉
Mistakes that women make
Attempts to fill the space with anyone
Should not be doing that. As soon as you are alone, you do not need to immediately call your girlfriends or install a dating app. Superficial connections, space-filling dates, and strangers won't help you find happiness, they won't help you understand yourself.
If you don't learn the lesson, nothing will change. Instead of satiating yourself, you will only disperse and spend the last crumbs of energy.
Thoughts: “I don’t want relationships with men”
After a bad breakup, you can leave a scar on your heart. No one promises that he will heal quickly. Perhaps your ex-man was not the best representative of the human race. Perhaps he offended you or insulted you. Maybe even your mother inspired you: “All men are goats!”.
Just don't interpret the negative characters you've met as all men. What you think about is what you attract. If you are convinced that there are only ill-mannered boors-sexists around, you will meet such people on your way. Then don't be surprised.
Don't be afraid to open up to something new. Start thinking differently. Not the way you're used to. Turn on more positive, joy, openness. No one is going to hurt or offend you on purpose, believe me!
Unwillingness to analyze the past
If you simply endure a period of loneliness, live through suffering without drawing conclusions, then it is unlikely that you will be able to build a happy life further. Every situation (especially unpleasant) that happens to us is a lesson. If you don't get it the first time, it will hurt more.
That is why it is so important to force yourself and mentally re-live the situation. What caused the divorce? What emotions did you experience? What could be done to solve the problem not so categorically?
Is there life without a man?
If you still have doubts, we will answer. Definitely yes! Many women in the world live without a permanent partner or even alone. And not all of them consider themselves unhappy, and their lives - meaningless.
If you come home and no one is waiting there, this does not mean that you should feel bad. Of course, the social stereotype makes itself felt. “Not married at 30?”, “You will remain an old maid”, “lives without a husband, so no one needs it”, or what else do they say?
But it's important to understand why people say that. They themselves are afraid of loneliness, they are afraid to come to an empty apartment, they are afraid that their husband will leave them. This could be for various reasons:
- diffidence;
- dependence on your partner (emotional or financial);
- the inability to live one's own life and not stick one's nose into someone else's;
- lack of bright events, which is why a critical discussion of other people.
Do not be strict, understand that offensive and bitter phrases are not spoken to strangers from a good life ...
How to live without a man?
The most important thing is to be happy. After all the awareness of events from the past and acceptance of yourself, it's time to make a choice in favor of happiness and success. Now you must accept yourself as a strong and free woman. In order for the wounds to heal, and the state of mind to become better, it is not necessary to walk around with a sour expression on your face for a whole year, feel sorry for yourself and suffer! 😉
Take your time
Now you have more than enough! Finally, you can do things that you really like. Sign up for dances, start donating to charity, go on romantic dates, eat salads for a whole week.
Painting courses, city walks, hiking trips, cooking classes... Anything! You are now free!
Just in case, make a schedule so you don't get bored.
Tell sympathizers “enough”
To everyone who pitied and comforted you, tell them that everything is fine now. You no longer need plaintive glances, retorts, and wooing suitors. You can decide that the topic of your loneliness is now taboo. After all, what difference does it make to other people? Let everyone live their own lives.
Don't try to please men
Just be yourself. Sincere, real and honest. Why would you start a clean slate of life with hypocrisy in front of strange men?
If you implement all these rules into your life, accept and love yourself, then soon the word “loneliness” will stop scaring you. You will feel yourself, real, alive and living to the fullest!
If you tell yourself that you can’t live without a guy, then you are attached to him, but what if you don’t have a relationship with him, but you can’t live without him? That's right, the guy needs to be psychologically untied from himself, but this is not easy to do, but necessary.
WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT A GUY
If thoughts come into your head that life without a boyfriend has lost its meaning and more and more thoughts of the bad come, then do not hesitate, contact a psychotherapist, he will help you with the help of special trainings, and you will feel lightness and calmness in life, and the guy will stand on background among your new life potentials and friends. We recommend that you read
Never, under any circumstances, start taking alcoholic beverages in order to drown out your thoughts that you cannot live without a guy, this will only aggravate your situation, and the guy you cannot live without, just once again make sure that he correctly decided to build his life without you. Why would he be an alcoholic or a drug addict. Better show him what success you have achieved, what a good new man you have, and what the best family you have, and for this you need to try.
It is very effective to get rid of the thoughts that you cannot live without a man, a new romance with a completely new man helps. Let it be temporary, even if you do not see your life with a new man, still courting you, communicating with him, meeting and so on will help you forget the past and start building the future. With a new romance, you will gain new vivid impressions, and you will begin to look at past relationships from the dark side and understand how you, in general, could have a relationship with a man like the past.
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It is very important in this situation not to forget about your loved ones, because they love you, and do not take those steps that will make them cry. Do not be like scoundrels, love your relatives and think not only about yourself, but also about them. And most importantly, a new, beautiful and very kind man will soon appear who will love you more than ever, and the family will be the envy of many girlfriends. Remember, you won't know until you try, so try to build yourself a new and clean family life with new good people.
