Good question ok

Personally, I don't understand why? Chances are your wife doesn't get it either. All she wants is to be happy, and to be confident in the future.

Most likely, if she wants to get a divorce, then she is not happy now, and is not sure about the future, or rather, she does not see your joint future. Here she has the same question: “Why not get divorced, why keep the family?” See it boiled...

If you don’t enjoy seeing your wife smiling, seeing her happy, most likely, in order to save your family, you will climb out of your skin to do everything possible and impossible, but the more you do what you don’t want, the more you will hate what you are doing .

The second point, what the hell are you getting into women's worries, it is important for them to save their family, if you are the best man, any woman will be honored to be your wife. Hence the conclusion, become a man, start bringing a mammoth to your family, become independent, responsible, strong, honest, fair, and you will not need to worry about your family, it will be the best for you, all women will envy your wife.

There is such a proverb, change yourself and the whole world will change, it works, I checked it for myself.

A bit different from what you were expecting, right? Frustrated or thoughtful?

Remember the movie The Matrix, eat the liver, as soon as you chew it it will immediately feel better. You can write to me, I won’t promise, but maybe I can help, the only thing I can’t become for you is what your wife needs, everything is in your hands. And bending is not the best idea, because when bending, a person kills his personality, his inner self, and if there is no inner self, such a person is not interesting. Fall in love with the person who has what you want and what is missing. What does she lack? What is missing for every woman? Love warmth caress understanding caring emotions feelings confidence reliability security?

One of the recipes:

1.Sport (fortitude)

2. Hobby (interesting as a person)

3. A clear word (stability) - said the blood from the nose made, not only for her but for everyone.

4. Friends (position in society, influence, independence) - women write with boiling water from men who influence the world around them.

When there is an inner core, any woman falls in love until she loses her pulse. And over time, the woman herself kills this male core, and the man, out of inexperience, allows this to be done. The result is the result that is obtained. And all these disagreements, disagreements, misunderstandings, betrayals, quarrels, these are all consequences. Pimples come out not because they wanted to get out, but because something happened in the body that gave the impulse to get out these pimples.

The recipe launches masculine energy to which women are drawn. When the polarity is the same, the magnets repel each other. The laws of physics have not been repealed.

There are other recipes, you need to look individually.

If a woman leaves, really leaves a man, then this decision is not a momentary "quirk". A woman goes to such a decision for a long time. At first she endures, tries to adapt, has some other hopes. But, if nothing changes, there comes a line beyond which a woman will no longer retreat and follow the lead of difficult circumstances. She will simply walk away from these circumstances.

And the situation can be aggravated by the fact that the man has repeatedly promised her "everything she wants", if only avoid divorce from wife. Promised, but nothing has changed. This further strengthens the woman's determination to end the relationship. And these circumstances give us a weighty reason to argue that a woman cannot be kept if she decides to leave.

Of course, there are some women who are not even worth keeping and do not waste your time and effort on them. It is better to let such people go on all four sides and cross themselves three times after they leave with the words: "Keep away from me." Here the man must make his own decision, no one will do it except him. If he agrees to end the relationship, then so be it. And if he loves a woman and understands that he does not want to lose her, then we will tell him how this can be done.

Is there a way to keep a wife from divorcing?

So, as they say in the east: "If the mountain does not go to Magomed, then Magomed himself goes to the mountain." If it is impossible to keep the beloved woman who decided to leave, then it is necessary to make sure that she herself does not want to leave. How to achieve this? Well, obviously, the man himself needs to change.

Maybe you don't even need to change. You just need to become what a man was before. Was he able to impress this woman? Did you manage to achieve it? That is, perhaps a man only needs to discard the bad traits and habits that he has acquired during his family life. For example, by eradicating this habit in yourself. Although, this may not be enough and you may need to work on yourself. But this work is worth it, it will pay off tenfold.

As we have already said on our website, a woman will be next to the man she can trust. Not just a husband you can trust, but to trust. These are different things. You can trust both friend and relative. But you can trust only the closest person.

Dear men, once a woman has already trusted you. In the end, she agreed with you. So, she perceived you as a man. If a woman does not perceive a man as a man, she will not be with him. Of course, some may object that, they say, there were no more options, so she had to marry "anyone." It's a lie. for who she considers "anybody".

Even if a man is good and positive, but does not possess, according to the woman, or if she does not have any feelings for him, then he will not become her husband. Very often, women keep such a man next to them, not letting them close, but not letting them go far. Because he can help in something, after all.

And this man-friend can help a woman in many ways. But, as soon as another man appears on the horizon, who is perceived by a woman differently, as a future spouse, then all attention switches to him. And this good male friend is leaving her life. Women feel the mood and indecision of men well and read it, thanks to their intuition. Women think intuitively and in the article "" we talked about this.

Why did we say all this, and how can this help keep women so that she does not leave a man? And so that you, dear men, understand that if a woman married you, it means that initially he saw a man in you, she could and wanted to trust you. And your task is to regain the woman's trust if you want to keep her. How can I do that? Let's do a mini-test for this.

Mini-survey, how to keep your wife from divorce?

Dear men, look at the questions below and answer them unequivocally: yes or no? Just answer honestly. We understand that many simply have the highest opinion of themselves and consider themselves God knows who. Moreover, not only in relationships with a woman, but, in general, in life. But, honesty is needed here, only it will help to correctly understand your actions and correct them by changing the woman's attitude towards herself. So let's go.

1. Do you love your woman?
2. Do you hug and kiss your woman every day?
3. Do you respect your woman?
4. Do you consider your spouse's hobbies and interests?
5. Do you think it is unacceptable to be rude to a woman and raise a hand against her?
6. Communicate, do you talk to a woman on a daily basis?
7. Are you faithful to your woman?
8. Do you take care of your wife if she is sick?
9. Do you have good and other relatives?
10. Does your wife have conflicts with your friends?
11. Do you have conflicts with your wife's friends?
12. Do you, at least occasionally, buy flowers for your wife?
13. Do you buy new clothes for your wife that she needs?
14. Do you consider your wife an attractive woman?
15. Does your spouse turn you on?
16. Are you all right? Do you like to diversify them?
17. Are you a man? (i.e. correct sexual orientation, heterosexual?)
18. Do you have any activities that you perform?
19. Do you help your spouse around the house regularly?
20. Do you work at home with children?
21. Do you walk with children on the street?
22. Do you participate in the social life of children?
23. After work, do you go without stopping to your wife's house, without going to bars, bowling alleys, nightclubs, or do you go there with your wife?
24. Do you always refuse alcohol ... well, or almost always?
25. Do you think it is unacceptable to gamble and lose large sums of money?
26. Do you think that one should not get involved in dubious and dangerous adventures (theft, fraud and other types of dubious activities) that can lead to serious consequences?
27. Do you and your spouse go for walks or visits?
28. Do you buy all the necessary products for the house?
29. Are you tidy in everyday life (clean up and wash the dishes after you, fold your socks neatly, etc.)?
30. Do you solve household issues (change the faucet in the bathroom, change the switch, change the light bulb, etc.)?
31. If you yourself cannot cope with a domestic issue, do you call specialists (plumbers, electricians, etc.)?
32. Can you prepare lunch or dinner if necessary?
33. Do you take care of your appearance?
34. Are you developing intellectually in any direction?
35. Do you strive to increase the family's well-being (increase financial savings in accounts, strive to purchase property or other valuables)?
36. Are you always or almost always decisive in your actions?
37. Are you able to show character when needed?

So, dear men, we can summarize the results of the survey. Do you have many positive answers, or not? The more times you honestly answered yes, the more attractive you look in her eyes. Of course, different women evaluate the qualities of men in different ways. For one, some character traits are important, for the other, others are more valuable. In addition, some qualities are more significant. For example, if a husband drinks and beats his wife, then this is a much greater minus than if he does not know how to cook dinner.

But, if you do not have a single positive answer, then it is not surprising why the woman decided to leave you. And, conversely, if a man answered yes to all questions, then a woman will hold on to such a man with all her might. Of course, we considered two extremes. No man will answer positively or negatively to all questions (if he honestly answers).

But if a man has 70% or more positive answers, then this characterizes him well. If those are less than 30%, then there is something to seriously work on. You probably know what qualities you need to pull up, develop in yourself. Don't think it's that hard. After all, almost all of them are performed, as they say, "on the machine", you just need to get used to them. Do everything gradually.

For example, make it a habit to buy a beautiful rose for your wife every Friday. It's easy, on the way home go and buy. In about a month, this action will become a habit for you. Rose, approximately, can stand for a week. Thus, you will always have a beautiful rose in a vase at home. Or, get in the habit of hugging and kissing your wife when you wake up in the morning, when you leave for work, and when you come home from work.

Or get used to stopping by the store after work and buying the necessary products. If you don't know what you need, call and ask your wife. On weekends, you can make it a habit to go somewhere with your children. To the amusement park, to the circus, to the zoo, just play football or pioneer ball with them on the playground. Once you do something regularly, it will become a habit. You will act like this already "on the machine".

Think about what qualities you like best, what you can do well and what you can excel at. And develop these qualities by making them a habit. Just do not try to succeed in all areas at once. As you know, if you chase a crowd of hares, you will get from everyone. Choose, to begin with, a couple of important duties, perform them regularly, make them a habit. Once you have fixed them in yourself, you can choose a couple more and develop them.

Your woman will definitely see changes in you, understand that you are working on yourself, and will not want to leave you anymore. Because it is much easier to follow a path that has already been trodden than to try to tread a new path of human relationships with another person with whom it is not known how everything will turn out. And here the husband is “changing before our eyes”, well, straight, “gold, not a husband”, I won’t go anywhere from him. And he won't leave. Naturally, after the goal is achieved (you managed to keep the woman you love), do not stop there. Improve further and you will always be on top in the eyes of both your wife and your children and all the people around you. Do not doubt, you will succeed. If the woman has already left you and you want to return her, then we recommend that you go to the article: "", which is a continuation of this article. Perhaps you will find useful answers for yourself in it.

By getting married, people hope to live a long and happy life with their betrothed. But it happens that due to various circumstances, families break up. And it doesn't always happen by mutual agreement. In this case, one of the spouses, trying to save family relationships, wonders how to dissuade his other half from divorce. The desire to save a family is difficult, especially if one of the spouses has good reasons for divorce.

How to dissuade a spouse from a divorce? Requires patience and care

How to talk your wife out of a divorce

The main reason for the breakup of a couple is dissatisfaction with marriage, spouse, his attitude towards his wife and family life. Therefore, if the husband does not agree to a divorce and wants to dissuade his wife from breaking up the relationship, he should carefully comprehend the reasons for the current situation.

The main mistake that men make when trying to dissuade their wife from divorce is blaming her. Most likely, the problems that have arisen are the fault of both spouses.

A man, as more interested in maintaining family relationships, should try not to look for opportunities to shift all the blame on his wife, but to change his own behavior

The most important and important advice that can be given to a husband in this situation: be careful and patient, become the only and desired for your wife again. Perhaps, for this you will have to remember your youth and again win the love and trust of your woman.

How to talk your husband out of a divorce

Representatives of the stronger sex initiate divorce less often, even if they have another woman. Most often, the reluctance to file for divorce is not connected with the fear of injuring your spouse, but with the fact that men are more comfortable, more comfortable and calmer this way. If the husband nevertheless decided to file for divorce, then he has good reasons for this. And they should be found out by the wife, who hopes to dissuade her husband from the decision.

If a man truly fell in love with another woman, then it is very difficult to glue a broken relationship together, and sometimes it does not make sense.

But if the reason is different, then it is worth trying to save the family

The advice that can be given to a woman in this situation is simple: become attractive and desirable for your spouse, make him admire you and do not forget to admire your husband yourself. Men, like children, love to be praised. This allows them to feel strong, significant, needed.

Conflicts happen in all families, but if it comes to divorce, then you need to understand that you can only prevent a catastrophe together, together. This is not easy to do, so only 7% of spouses who filed for divorce take it back after the probationary period.

Understanding the causes of the conflict, finding ways out of the family crisis is hindered by emotions and the biased attitude of the spouses to the situation, therefore, in order to save the family, it is worth seeking the help of a qualified psychologist.

- Divorce statistics are horrendous these days.

The figures are actually serious - in large cities, up to 80% of marriages are terminated. And most of those that remain are often difficult to call harmonious.

Many people see that two people met, fell in love and decided to get married, and this is quite enough to create a family. In fact, families are created not FROM love, but FOR love. Love is built in family life, and so it should be ...

- What are the main reasons for such a frightening increase in the number of divorces in recent times?

In my opinion, the three main reasons for divorce are: burnout syndrome, clan conflicts and unpreparedness for family life.

Unfortunately, very often a marriage is concluded when people have already gone through some difficult heartfelt experiences with other people, sometimes through “trial marriages”. And although it seems that this passes without a trace, however, all psycho-traumatic situations of this kind leave scars in the soul of a person. Sometimes a person himself feels a burnt-out “desert” in his soul. I finally met "your" person, but the soul is silent, it has nothing to love - there is no spiritual strength. Therefore, it is necessary to keep spiritual and bodily purity before marriage.

"Clan conflicts" imply difficult relationships with mothers-in-law, mothers-in-law, and other relatives. It is not a secret that on this basis there is often a hidden struggle, confrontation. If this happens, you need to become more flexible, be able to adapt, and not conflict, because all this “undercarpet struggle” can seriously affect the marriage as a whole.

It is no secret that every family has its own way of life, its own norms of relations, its own habits and traditions. The personality structure has already been formed by the time of marriage, and it will be very difficult for two people from families that are absolutely dissimilar in these parameters to get along together. Starting to live together, young people are sure that they will be able to “re-educate” another (but not themselves!), “If he loves, he will become the way I want!”.

The class structure of society is a reality that has been fought for a hundred years, but which objectively takes place in any country and at any time. For our question, it is important to understand that when “dissimilarity of characters” is called the main reason for a divorce, this is often behind, first of all, the different value orientations of spouses brought up in families from different strata of society (now they say so). But at the everyday level, this manifests itself through inconsistencies, it seems, in the little things, but there are so many of these little things that the main thing is not visible behind them.

And if for some time you can live together on bright feelings and positive emotions, then sooner or later the problems of the discrepancy between the two family models will come out. Choosing a spouse is a responsible step, and this should be treated carefully, including listening to the advice of elders - after all, a lot is also invested in the concept of parental blessing. Based on life experience, they are often able to draw a life perspective, and better understand whether this is the right person for a daughter or son.

The third important point is readiness for family life. This should be brought up from childhood, in one's own family. The reality is that the wrong attitude towards the institution of the family arises from the fact that children who mainly grow up in a nursery, kindergarten, school - do not see families in the full sense of the word. Because they are there only a few hours a day, they communicate with their parents catastrophically little and practically do not participate in family affairs. And parents often live in different families. That is, a person who grew up in such a situation simply has nowhere to get the right model for building family relationships.

When we send a child to school, they check him for readiness for school: they check whether he can write, read, whether he is ready to listen and perceive information, whether he can sit quietly for a long time, how correctly he understands the words of the teacher. Depending on the degree of readiness, the child is taken to a class of a certain level.

For any important matters, and family life is the most important component of our life, it is necessary to prepare. Moreover, both men and women should be ready. I think that this applies to women to a greater extent, because a man is organically more focused on the outside world, on social realization, on achieving “external goals”. The task of a woman is to build a family, create an atmosphere, an internal climate.

- What are the main components of a woman's readiness for family life?

This is a sense of responsibility for another person, the ability to love, forgive, endure something.

On the part of a woman, no matter how trite it may sound, this is, first of all, the ability to perform everyday tasks, which are the basis of life, stability, and to perform quickly and well. Today we have to rediscover the meaning of those postulates that have been discarded and forgotten in modern society. First of all, a young woman should perform elementary household chores with joy, without hesitation, without demanding special gratitude for this, and without taking credit for herself. Because this is one of her main functions in the family, because if she does not create this soil for family life - everyday life, then no one will do it for her.

Of course, ensuring the normal course of one's family affairs is often not easier than running a business, but it is necessary. Family life involves a lot of simple, petty, painstaking work, and you need to prepare for this. Recall that earlier, when choosing a life partner, they always paid attention to whether a girl knows how to cook, clean, sew, knit.

Modern girls have completely different ideas about the family - having secured dubious slogans, such as "I'm not a laundress, but a woman", "I was created for love, not for work", etc., women walk into the family, expecting compliments, flowers , constant attention, holiday, and not wanting to give a piece of yourself every day. Life in a harmonious family is really a holiday, but not at all the one that is expected after watching TV shows.

The ability to manage the household is part of a woman's life, her destiny. By the time the girl grows up and gets married, these skills should be formed to the level of automatism. Modern girls are developed mainly in a different direction - the English school, dancing, vocals, tennis, ice skating, drama studio. All this is wonderful and important for personal development, in order to be an interesting person, and this will definitely come in handy in life. The question is in the correct placement of accents - the main thing is to grow up to be a good hostess, and everything else will come in handy when raising children, to help your husband.

In addition, I would like to note that a woman conveys her emotional state to a man. You need to understand this, and be able to restrain unjustified outbursts of emotions, because they inevitably affect the whole family. It is often said that the house should smell like pies, but the point is not even in the pies themselves, but in the emotional state that is transmitted through the cooking process, through a smile, through the world in the house.

I had to hear how modern men call their wife "my cramp" - this is because they never know when she will "drive" them. Nervousness can manifest itself at an unexpected moment and for an unexpected reason, and result in hysteria. You need to learn to restrain negative manifestations. The hearth should not be a place of residence, but a really warm and familiar home.

- And what should be the readiness of a man?

Recall that a man is set up for action and implementation. The viability of a man as a husband should be, first of all, in the readiness to take responsibility for loved ones, for solving more global issues related to family life. A man builds himself and his family into this life. It must be understood that not only the material, but also the social status of the family depends on the man. He "represents" the family in the outside world. Of course, he also needs to be hardworking enough to do the heavy housework that a woman can't do. And of course, it is very important for a man to learn to treat the female essence gently and with humor, because a woman has mood swings, ailments, and unexpected emotions, which are often associated not only with psychology, but also with physiological cycles (pregnancy, feeding, etc.). .). A man does not have to be involved in these women's problems, he just needs to understand them and be able to treat his wife correctly, with love and gentleness.

A certain stereotype of behavior is imposed on modern men, from screens, from the pages of magazines, in current literature - what kind of man are you if you run home and you have nothing else, sheer boredom and routine, you need, they say, to have something else, " real male interests. And many fall for this hook, and then irreversible processes begin. And from here arise such destructive things as drunkenness, betrayal, gambling, etc. There are many temptations in the outside world.

In this regard, a man needs to be able to tune out from the external system of pressure, learn to make decisions independently, responsibly, understand that the fate of the family will depend on his decisions.

- We so often think that we do not understand each other, but in fact, perhaps we do not understand the role of the sexes, and their purpose, so many and many couples "step on the same rake." In general, are the worlds of men and women a little different?

The worlds of a man and a woman are not exactly the same, there are differences, this must be understood and accepted. The destiny of a woman is the inner world of the family, the hearth, and the man is a warrior. Imagine that the husband returns every day from the battle in which he protects the family and its interests, and the wife keeps the fire in the hearth every day - then it will be easier to understand the needs of another, and your own functions.

In this, the husband and wife should complement each other, clearly represent and understand the roles of the sexes in the family.

And I would like to warn young couples against the desire for excessive self-exposing in front of each other, this must be treated delicately, carefully, both on the female and on the male side. There must always remain something unsaid, some kind of secret, a piece of one's own spiritual territory - the secret of a male and female heart. After all, there are things that need to be understood, but not necessarily discussed. And at the same time, it is important to learn to speak each other's languages, to understand each other's characteristics, including psychological ones - this is the key to warmer relations. This is also work, and perhaps the most important in life.

“All unhappy families are unhappy in their own way.” But what can be the general reasons that the family does not add up?

Due to the wrong view of the family before marriage, disappointments are inevitable. Even if two people do not have the slightest idea of ​​what real family life is, and family affairs, this life itself will inevitably show everything as it is, lead to appropriate conclusions, and show gaps. The roots of disappointment are in false expectations. The woman imagined an eternal holiday and admiration, recognition of her talents, but received everyday life full of worries, and did not notice genuine family victories and joys that pay back all our labors a hundredfold. The man wanted peace, stability and comfort in a place that he considers his “lair”, and where he returns after the “hunt”, but he got tantrums and “eternal scrambled eggs” with sandwiches. So they were both wrong about something.

In addition, the family is long-suffering. And many now are simply not accustomed to endure, restrain, listen. A variety of situations happen in life, it happens that the relationships themselves “get sick”, and you need to have a lot of patience in order to understand, change, correct, survive. This patience is often lacking. It didn’t work out here, so it’s not mine, I’ll move on. In fact, this is the path from yourself to yourself.

- Are divorces connected with incorrectly set goals?

This happens when people consider the family not as a peaceful existence with their other half, but solve their socio-psychological problems. For example, there was an unhappy love - you urgently need to get married in order to prove something to someone, or just "it's time to get married", or you overcame the fear of loneliness. All this is not the foundation on which a real family should be built. Such a "union" of people is unstable.

- There are two scenarios typical of divorces that raise a lot of questions. In the first case, women are perplexed, how can a man, the head of the family, responsible for her, suddenly take and leave this family to the mercy of fate. In the second, it is not clear why men often leave women who are successful in terms of their careers.

Regarding the first scenario, I can say that this may be due to the very different attitudes taken from my own family. Perhaps such a person was simply not brought up with responsibility, and in fact he never took responsibility for the family.

By the way, this often happens when a boy is raised by one woman. She unconsciously makes him "convenient for herself" - a person who should understand only her, and respond to her unfulfilled life requests. Such a man is completely unable to fit into other models, and due to his effeminate texture, he is not able to take responsibility for another woman. He usually builds relationships in a submission model, or breaks down. When men raise sons, responsibility is more manifest in them, a sense of shoulder is more developed.

As for the second model, this is also quite typical. In fact, women make a career on that huge supply of vital energy that was originally given to them in order to give birth and raise several children. They throw this energy into the outside world. And this is the world of men. Accordingly, a woman begins to behave like a man, entering into competitive relations in the male field. And the husband begins to feel the lack of something feminine, gentle, caring. No matter how trite it sounds, but it is the truth, time-tested. When a woman begins to show rigidity, demonstrate intelligence, dominate in business qualities, her competence in business begins to surpass that of a man, a man begins to feel uncomfortable.

You need to have the wisdom to hold back. After all, a career falls on the period of the heyday of personality - 30-40 years. But flowering is not eternal, everything passes. And when a woman begins to sum up, it turns out that her true career and a happy ending to her life are family, children. And this is exactly where it was worth investing your remarkable strengths and abilities. What is a career compared to what you can not give to your children, to the fact that close people can become unhappy or the family will collapse?!

- The situation when one of the parties announces the desire for a divorce is a shock, a loss of the future, pain ...

The situation of divorce can be called inadequate, abnormal for the general course of life. And, of course, both participants in these dramatic events are in a difficult emotional state. It seems that life is built along a certain (painful) course: acquaintances, circumstances - everything pushes to make this decision. In fact, both become hostages of already existing circumstances.

For those who leave, it is also not easy. Before deciding on a divorce, a person worries for a long time, because it will entail global changes in life, and this is very difficult. There is an illusion that when leaving, a person goes from bad to good, brighter, brighter. In fact, he has to go through pain, and it is not at all necessary that he will come to a more joyful place. This pain doesn't just go away. When leaving, a person himself goes through suffering and leads everyone around him through it. Severe scars remain for life, and problems sometimes drag on for decades like a train. Often people who have had several marriages and comprehended their experience say that they could get along with any of the partners if they behaved correctly and did not take drastic steps. In general, taking sudden steps is very dangerous. It is better to solve the problem where it arises, rather than create new problems by involving new people in it.

- In a situation of divorce, what should be the path of the individual?

The first reaction of the one who is being abandoned is a long and painful search for reasons in oneself: why I am not good, where I made a mistake, what I did wrong. Literally every day of his life, every hour, is viewed, all significant and small events are moved. The revision of life does not even begin from the moment of acquaintance, but from childhood, in which one can find the answer to the question “why did I choose this person and not another?” Through the pain of the soul, through painful self-knowledge, one must understand that this is a very important moment in life. Crises promote spiritual growth. Awareness of mistakes leads to their correction.

Of course, at this moment one feels sorry for oneself, and everyone sees a lot of mistakes in the other, but in such a situation it is not constructive to put the blame on him. Your own experience is important, it is important to be able to change yourself. It’s bad when relatives are connected here, who, wishing us well, set us up in a certain way - blaming one for everything, and protecting the other. It turns out a kind of football field, where everyone plays and cheers for their team. But these people will play and leave, but two will still remain.

In the stage of discord, divorce, it is advisable to resort to the help of a third, uninterested party - it can be a priest, a family psychologist, just an authoritative, wise person. The third party sees everything as it is, and can play the role of a mirror. But still I want to emphasize that the path of awareness, reformation of oneself must be passed independently, and try to be as objective as possible to the situation and to oneself. This is the only constructive way.

Don't consult everyone. Friends will say “where is your pride, he is not worthy of you”, friends will say “you are a man, not a rag, why do you allow yourself to be treated like that”. And all this only exacerbates the conflict, without solving a single problem.

We are not just given trials - when it seems that the world is collapsing, a person is required to realize mistakes, “cleanse” his soul, repent. The fact is that until the moment of the crisis, we often live in the power of pride, and when trouble comes, we begin to sincerely realize our wrong, and sincerely repent. In part, this is a lesson in repentance. The pain of the soul cannot be removed by any pills - intellectual novocaine has not yet been invented. There may be a short-term effect of sedatives and antidepressants, but rather to relieve physiological symptoms. The pain will not truly subside until there is work within oneself, the work of cleaning out the bad and correcting the erroneous.

- It often happens that when you realize your mistakes, have already changed a lot, and are ready to change for the better further - the one who left no longer gives you a chance. He made a decision and started a new life. You would be glad to start building relationships differently, but it's too late.

It's never really late. There are cases when, even after getting divorced and living separately, trying to build new families, people converge again. That is, everything is not fatal. And you can try to correct mistakes at any stage of the divorce. I think that whoever wants to save his family must fight to the end. Here we must proceed from the principle - "do what you can, and be what will be."

Forces should not be spared, but with the means you need to be more careful. Firstly, I would like to warn against various fortune-telling and love spells - this is a dangerous and harmful thing, this is violence against a person. You can truly reach out only to free consciousness. Secondly, in the case when a man wants to return his wife, he can choose decisive, active actions, and a woman in such a situation should be extremely careful in choosing means. It rather requires delicacy, softness, affection. When a woman shows excessive activity, it irritates, a natural defense mechanism is triggered, because a man himself, by definition, plays an “active” role in life, and he begins to “run away” from such aggression on the part of a woman.

But you need to fight, because God does not just unite two people, and brushing aside, tearing decisively is not the best way. What God has united, a person cannot separate, love, having come into the heart once, remains in it forever - all these are well-known truths. But we need enormous strength to be able to go through the situation of divorce correctly, draw the right conclusions, make the right decisions. Years lived together are not garbage, they are part of our soul. And it often happens that crisis situations lead to good - people are cleansed, changed for the better, passing through the crucible of such trials. And sometimes they combine in a new capacity.

In addition, at the stage of realizing mistakes, on the verge of a break, there is a feeling that we need to “feel” life the way we feel water when learning to swim.

But you can not learn to swim, just by reading the theoretical literature. You need to feel the water of your conflict and learn to swim in this water. Listen to your heart, and it will tell you - yes, here I did something wrong, went over, but it was right. It is important not to lie to yourself at this moment, hiding behind someone else's opinion, pride, or something else. To tell a person who is leaving: “Well, go, we will live without you” - this, except for critical cases, will not be true. You need to speak from the heart, for example: “When you leave, you hurt me very much. But I still love you…”

Sincerity is needed. Firstly, in this way you will try to overcome resentment, which, as you know, is extremely destructive, and secondly, your soul will be much calmer - to express good things, not to keep it in yourself, so that later it would not hurt for what you could say, but not said.

This is from the realm of the mystery of our heart, and the heart feels the sharpness of the moment and chooses the right means. In fact, the family is also a big secret, something that unites two. And only I can say exactly what his heart will perceive. Even if a person does not return, you will not regret it, because your heart has told everything to his heart. If his heart did not hear, you will no longer be so hurt. Because you didn’t hold back the love that was, and didn’t disfigure the situation with a distorted reaction (anger, posture, resentment). Honesty and sincerity in this situation are the components that justify it, and will not allow you to regret anything later.

- Still, if people part forever, when and how is this internal point set?

I have a feeling that there will never be a real fat point. It will be an ellipsis that will reach for people in the perspective of life. Spouses and after the divorce have some connection. When one gets sick, the other can feel it from a distance. Such is the experience. Everything we have experienced stays with us for the rest of our lives. That is, you will not start a new relationship from scratch, as it may seem to someone. And previous personal problems, and years of family life, and what you gave to relationships - all this will remain with you forever.

Probably, this is also why you need to try to save the family, and not “replicate families”. Of course, there are situations when it is obvious to everyone, including a third independent party, the impossibility of continuing the relationship, and then it is necessary to accept what is. It is important to rework the experience, but while this process continues, it is a difficult and stressful job. If the experience is processed correctly, then new forces appear for the continuation of life.

- How to get through the crisis moment of divorce, cope with yourself when there is a lump in your throat, and it feels like huge waves of fear, pain, resentment are covering you - and you are drowning. Where to get strength?

Indeed, this pain is viscous, booming, sometimes unbearable. And no techniques, no complacency bring results. This is the case when you need to survive, endure - but not looking at everything passively, but working on yourself, reevaluating experience, rethinking life values. If this is done deeply and correctly, we will emerge from the test of divorce strong, wise, hardened, and not necessarily in the ashes, it happens that we have the strength to build something anew.

Often people come to God precisely when they go through crises, and in this they find an inexhaustible resource of strength and love. In difficult situations, we begin to understand what hell is, we begin to look for mistakes, flaws, sins. And we learn to sincerely repent of them.

It is important to look into your heart and learn to express emotions - when “it hurts”, it means it hurts, if “I love” - it means I love. But often on the basis of divorce, a certain game begins, putting on masks, manipulations, dishonest tricks are used. This is a game of complete destruction. When a situation appears to be evil, one must approach it with goodness, otherwise evil will multiply.

Kindness is a huge resource. Doing good to others in need is also a good use for yourself in this situation. To what seems to be no longer love, one must approach with love, otherwise dislike will multiply. Love is also a huge resource.

- Survive a breakup, separation, divorce ... How? With what?

With love. To yourself, to the one who left you, to your children. Realize that it's not just that. On the one hand, this is a payment for mistakes, on the other hand, although at the moment we are not able to understand the meaning of what happened, it has a certain meaning.

Elder Paisius has such an example - if you look at a doctor who sends his patients one to the resort and the other to the operating table, you might think that he loves one and hates the other. In fact, the doctor knows the prognosis of the disease, and depending on the diagnosis, he decides on the methods. And he takes care of both, only the means are different. So is God. Some people can be reached easily, while others need testing. Difficult situations are surgical operations. They can and should be endured, recovered.

When time passes, and we can look at everything from the position of the lived, more detached, we will be able to answer the question “why?”. All events in life are interconnected, and each situation contains a gift for us. But at this point we do not see prospects, full awareness will come later, we must be patient and work on ourselves.

In the most difficult moments, you need to give thanks. When the soul hurts, the heart aches, tears flow in hail, and boiling water in the head - you need to say “Thank God for everything!” If there is a future for existing relationships, then it should be based on true love, sincerity, forgiveness, if you are destined to let go, then with a pure heart.

 ( (Psychologist Irina Moshkova, Ph.D.)
How to save a family? (Priest Ilya Shugaev)
Surviving a divorce: being a person is difficult, but possible (Psychologist Maxim Tsvetkov)
habit of suffering (Psychologist Alla Katz)