Hello. I am 28 years old and have a daughter from my first marriage. I met a young man, agreed, the child called dad. We have been together for 4.5 years, diverged many times, the reason is jealousy. He even married another girl, but he couldn’t live with her, he did absolutely crazy things, on the day of painting with her he came to me from the registry office and stayed overnight, and came so many times with the words that it’s not his there, but here already dear. At that time I began to communicate with his best friend, then there was another young man. I thought that if I told you, he would leave me. That girl got pregnant, I told about myself, divorced her and returned to me. They lived for another year and a half, he got me with reproaches that I behaved obscenely, and it’s unpleasant for him to sleep with me now, to put it mildly, and he thinks about it all the time, decided that he couldn’t live with such a burden anymore and left. I was also tired and began to try to debug my life without him. A month has passed and now we meet, walk, sleep, correspond. We can't give up on each other forever. And together neither he nor I want to live like. What to do in this situation? We are marking time in one place, neither he nor I make new acquaintances, what kind of relationship is this, do they have a future, or will it again be excruciatingly painful? How to set yourself up? Why is this happening?

Love, Moscow, 28 years old

Family Psychologist Answer:

Hello Love.

Once again I am convinced that real life stories can seem more unreal than any soap opera. But such plots and passions speak more about your mutual inability to live in normal relationships. Willingly or unwittingly, you create very strange weaves in your feelings. But at the same time, your relationship seems to go in waves: now one of you has a cooling, then the other has a claim. Perhaps each of you, in your own way, fears deeper intimacy in a relationship. That is, there are undoubtedly feelings, and most likely deep and strong, but there is not enough life wisdom, patience, and, perhaps, something else from the usual everyday skills of living together. Perhaps your family scenarios clashed somehow cruelly. Hence the twists and turns in the plots. I think that you really need each other, so you just can’t part. But that’s just why, and how to fit it into normal life, you can’t immediately say. We should try to figure it out. And without this, most likely you will be like two dogs in the manger: not only do you not feel happy yourself, but you also unwittingly draw other people into your unhappy relationship.

Sincerely, Panfilova Natalya Alexandrovna.

After 4 months, he proposed to me in front of the whole family, on one knee, gave me a gorgeous ring - everything was so beautiful! They wanted to get married. I was in seventh heaven with happiness - I was sure that it was HE! But in fact, everything was not as wonderful as it seems. He is a very emotionally unstable person. He was tormented by unhealthy jealousy of my previous relationships and sexual partners - he constantly asked me about everything in detail, he wanted to know everything! And I, stupid, thought that if I was frank with him, he would feel better, and I told him everything. Everything just got worse. He kept being jealous of me, we kept fighting over it. But all this was intermittent. Between quarrels and jealousy, our relationship again turned into a fairy tale, full of love and tenderness. And we both believed that now everything would be fine, and together we dreamed of a strong family, three sons, a big beautiful house, and dreamed of growing old together. Against the backdrop of all the troubles, we decided to postpone the wedding. For me, it was a very difficult decision - like taking a step back in a relationship. I flatly refused to go to the registry office, but still he convinced me that it didn’t matter to him - he wants me to be his wife no matter what, and we will definitely get married - in a year or two - when we are really ready for this (it must be said here that we are no longer 18 years old .. I am almost 27, he is 25). We applied, set a date and time, and announced it to all family and friends. But the problems, as they were, remain. We continued to quarrel because of his jealousy. It was the hardest thing for him in this situation - he turned to psychologists, Orthodox confessors, tried to watch relevant films and read literature, but nothing helped. As a result, such a day came when he said that he was tired of offending me, and did not want to hurt me anymore - and we need to leave. I will say that at that time we lived abroad, and rented a common apartment, that is, "to leave" meant - to go to different rooms and stop sleeping together. We continued to live under the same roof - I suffered, he - pretended that he was fine. Or he actually felt good. Against the backdrop of all this, his mother hated me. She talked about me and accused me of bewitching him, that I was a kept woman (at that time I did not work), that I was not a couple for him .. She lectured him that he needed to end his relationship with me, and did it very masterfully - brainwashed him to such an extent that over time I stopped recognizing my loved one. At this time, I was finishing university, sitting on textbooks day and night. Instead of supporting me, my young man continued to get on my nerves, we parted and converged, he flew home, flew back to me with flowers and apologies, and swearing that this was the last time .. Parted again, flew away again. Those were the hardest months of my life. However, I had the strength to finish the university, and, as planned, we returned together back to our homeland - forever. We don't have our own place to live here. They planned to buy an apartment, but all the formalities would take at least six months. The first time (THREE DAYS) we lived with his parents (his mother had calmed down by that time), but in the end she kicked us out. We went to my parents - they accepted silently, although against the backdrop of all the events they were no longer so happy about him in our house. And we all continued to swear, offend, insult each other in quarrels. And we broke up again. He went to live with his parents. For three weeks I lay in bed, neither alive nor dead. My parents didn't know what to do with me. My friends couldn't get me out of the house.. And at that time he was resting, talking with friends, spending time in pleasure. Three weeks later, we got back together - we promised each other to try again, to give each other a chance ... He said that without me he is not him, and only I am HIS woman, and he will never be able to be with anyone else happy. Of course, there is no talk of any wedding. Now our relationship is rare (maximum 2-3 times a week) meetings in the evenings, from which I no longer get any pleasure. However, I do not have the strength and determination to put an end to it. I'm afraid I still love him, but I don't know if I really do. I still cherish the hope that we can be happy, although I understand with my head that no! He turned into a terrible egoist, prudent and selfish person! Tenderness, warmth and awe no more. His eyes, with which he looked at me in a way that no one had ever looked at before, went out and became strangers. But I still love him... I'm in a deep depression - from a fun-loving laughter, I turned into a boring, uninteresting bore. I do not want anything. I don't go anywhere. I was seized by laziness, apathy and complete indifference to life. I don't want to go on dates with him anymore, I don't want him to come to me - because I know that this will only bring me another portion of pain. And at the same time I pray on the phone, waiting for his call or SMS. But even without him, I can’t imagine my life - what if everything comes back? Please tell me what to do? How to find the strength in yourself to return to life, and part (or build relationships) with this person? What literature to read? Where to look for salvation? I want to be happy. But now in my life there is nothing but tears and disappointment. Thank you in advance!

Dasha hasn't looked well lately. Dasha gets a lot nervous over trifles, sleeps badly and started smoking again. She often cries and has no strength for anything. Dasha has a difficult personal life, her personal name is Pasha

Are you bad with him? So guilty...

Dasha hasn't looked well lately. Dasha gets a lot nervous over trifles, sleeps badly and started smoking again. She often cries and has no strength for anything. Dasha has a difficult personal life, her personal name is Pasha.

When Dasha complains about Pasha, she herself is surprised at what little things worry her. Well, Pasha does not give her money, think about it. He buys products. He's not a millionaire after all. Well, he doesn’t talk to her - he gets tired at work. In general, he is an introvert.

He also arranges offensive interrogations for her, makes her make excuses and then pouts for a long time - but you can also understand him, he values ​​\u200b\u200bDasha and is afraid of losing, he had a lot of disappointments in his life. And that he doesn’t give Dasha a lift to work, although he’s on the way, it’s completely ridiculous to be offended by this - he gets to work an hour later than her, what’s the point of him getting up earlier?

Dasha's friends, too, in general, do not really understand. They would carry such a Pasha in their arms. They don't have any. Girlfriends believe that Dasha is snickering and roaming out of the blue. Dasha's mother expresses herself even more simply, we will not quote, but the general meaning is that Pasha cannot be remade, he is not so bad, he was not hired, and in general all the men are clear who. Mom is not very logical, but she has a lot of enthusiasm and clear priorities.

The priorities are that it is good when there is a man, and bad when he is not.

For some reason, it doesn’t occur to mom that it’s good when her daughter feels good. Mom is not quite an idiot, she does not think that "Dasha has a man" is equal to "Dasha is fine." It's just that in her equation the second part is missing as such.

Although in fact only the second part matters, and what it is equal to there, that's how the card will fall. She is definitely not equal to Pasha, otherwise Dasha would not have gone sad and would not have swallowed various useful pills.

Relationships exist in order for a person to feel good, and for nothing else. If the relationship exists, and the person feels bad, the person does not need these relationships.

If a person is in a bad relationship, then it is completely pointless to look for an explanation for this or enter into a position.

"I feel bad, but this is because my mother did not like me (option - because my mother did not like me herself)" is no different from the simple "I feel bad" and does not change anything in the situation. The only situation in which a relationship makes sense is "I'm fine."

Different people are good at different things. These things themselves have no sign, only the result is important.

Your man may not say a word to you for months if you like that no one distracts you from your thoughts. But if you are dying of loneliness, and he is not to blame for anything, because he gets tired in the service and is silent by nature, you do not need this relationship.

He can be jealous of you like the last baboon, if it is pleasant and flattering for you. If it annoys you, it is useless to persuade yourself that he is so crazy with passion.

He may not have money for caviar if you don't like caviar. If you cannot live without caviar, you should not care what exactly prevented him from earning it.

He can generally meet you with a slap in the face every evening. If you get an orgasm from a slap in the face. If you don't get an orgasm from a slap in the face, then it's not your concern that years in prison have shaken his nerves, let him deal with them.

You can, for example, love a married person for many years, with all the stress that comes with it. But this can only be done in one case - if you get high on what a complex and dramatic life you have . And if you are unhappy, but he is not to blame for anything and cannot, as an honest person, this is not your option.

If you feel bad because he does not marry - what's the difference whether he is ready there or not ready . You feel bad, period. You don't need this person. In the same way, it may be bad for you that he climbs into marriage like a lunatic and does not want to know anything - you will not be comforted by the fact that this is, in general, a laudable intention.

If Dasha feels bad because Pasha does not consider it necessary to give her a lift to work, then Pasha is not suitable for her. She could have been fine under the same conditions if, for example, she had been glad to be alone and collect her thoughts during the journey. Or for some other reason. But it didn't work out.

Pasha could arrange for Dasha to feel good, but instead he arranged for her to feel bad. Dasha feels bad - Pasha goes to the stump. There he can sleep as long as he wants and drive the car wherever he thinks.

Once upon a time, I was going to leave a guy and terribly tormented by this topic. I'm a monster, I told my friend, it's so unfair, he's not to blame for anything.

And this friend told me an amazing thing. He said - do you feel bad with him? So it's to blame.published.

Malka Lorenz

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I have lost the meaning of life. Nothing pleases me. I live with my husband, there is no one but him, but our relationship has become unbearable. Almost every week I want to get a divorce. But when I imagine myself alone, it becomes even sadder. Coming home from work to an empty house where no one is waiting for you and no one loves you. And what to do is not clear, to disperse or to live anyhow. In the midst of our last quarrel, he hit me, and now I don’t know how to treat him, because he fell in my eyes. And it’s bad with him and without him too. I don’t want children. I'm only 22 and I already want to die. I won’t build relationships with anyone else, I can’t and don’t want to, with my character this is generally problematic. Plus, I live in a very small town. I'm either at work or at home all the time. What to do is not clear. My husband is trying to save the family, he says that he loves, but I no longer believe in it. Yes, and financially I can’t pull it alone, I have a loan and repairs. Why do I need such a life? It's better to just die
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Olya, age: 07/22/2016

Responses:

Olga, it's not better to die. Be a responsible, strong woman! Judging by your age, you have been married not so long ago, think about the fact that you chose this person yourself, it means that something attracted you to him! The assault on his part is disgusting, for the first time you can forgive, but if it happens again, then it’s better not to endanger yourself and give both the opportunity to build their lives apart.

Irina, age: 07/28/06/2016

Hello Olga. It is very sad that you think about such a terrible outcome. Nothing is worse than death. No situation is worth your life. It seems to me that the reason is that your marriage was concluded too early, at a young age. You didn't have enough time to get to know each other before marriage. Still, this is a very responsible step. Often there is such a misunderstanding among young couples. But you can still save. Any marriage requires patience. Willingness to forgive each other. Ideal relationships, alas, almost do not exist. Another thing is that there should be a limit to everything. The fact that you quarreled with him is not so scary, although very unpleasant. But when he hits you, it's really bad. And your task is to show him that this state of affairs does not suit you at all. Choose a moment when you are both calm and remind him of this occasion. He should at least verbally apologize. The main thing is that he must understand that if this happens again, then extreme measures are inevitable. You will notice that his attitude will change towards you. He won't be as aggressive anymore. You will overcome this episode together, he will become more respectful of you. And in the future, try to avoid new scandals. If you see that the conditions for another quarrel have been created, just do not allow it to develop. Change the subject, go shopping, call someone, or put on your headphones. After a couple of minutes, both will cool down and you can continue to communicate. Believe me, he also does not want to quarrel, like you, he does not hold a grudge against you. These are all character traits. Learn to understand each other and your life together will be happy. Just don't think bad, Olga. Wish you happiness.

Arina, age: 50 / 07/07/2016

Hello, young, hot wife! If you yourself feel that your tough temper is "to blame" for conflicts, then you need to try to soften it. “I don’t want, I can’t, I won’t” - these are still childish whims that have not ended. What parents endure from a child, no one else will endure. But that's not even the point!
Try not to succumb to emotions, but to act more with reason, reasoning, and prudence.
After all, why is a woman looking for a husband?! To create something warm, cozy, expensive...
You won't even cook food for yourself! Have a snack with a buter - and okay. And when there are two of you, it’s not a pity for time to cook borscht, lettuce, cutlets. And have a sincere lunch together ... That's the pleasure! In care! In company. Together is always tastier, more fun and better!
Obey your husband, learn to take care of him and try to please everyone. Don't give rise to quarrels. If nothing pleases you, then there is always another way: to please a loved one. From his joy or pleasure, you will become a little warmer.
Newlyweds try to stand their ground at first, demand from their beloved, to introduce their own rules ... And what is the point in this, except for hassle and resentment ?! We need another person only to take care of him. Everything else we can get alone. But we have a deep need to care for someone! And we can't turn it off. When you feel alone, it is precisely this need that "speaks". Like hunger. You can't deceive hunger with chewing gum.
Thaw, "step back", learn everything! The blizzard on the soul will not always be!

Elena Ordinary, age: 40 / 07/07/2016