Many women suffer from domestic violence. Husbands wave their fists, insult and humiliate not only their wives, but also their small children. At first, this is perceived as an accident - accumulated stress and other troubles, but soon this behavior becomes the “norm”, and women fall into despair. Read more about this “phenomenon” and how to prevent such behavior in our article.

To be continued

Some of the unfortunate wives continue to suffer and forgive their tormenting husbands even after black eyes and other injuries. Remember the proverb: hitting means loving. They are ready to blame themselves for everything, believing that they themselves made a mistake and were unable to calm, help, and caress in time. The wives believe the oaths that he will never do that again.

Beat, beat and will beat. If a man has ever raised his hand to his woman, it will happen again. Their moral barrier breaks when they suddenly realize that they can hit without receiving any punishment or rebuff. There are rare cases when a husband realizes his actions, repents, and does not repeat mistakes - if he acted in a state of passion. Although even this does not justify him.

Types of aggressive men

Men who raise their hands against their wives are divided into two types: “pit bulls” and “cobras”. The first type is the most common. They themselves gradually increase their rage, tormenting their wife with caustic remarks and insults. Husbands “work themselves up” to the point where they can pounce and hit. Typical dog behavior.

Such men are most often psychologically dependent on their wives. This is no longer love, but a disease generated by the desire to humiliate, to put in place. The wives of such people have to watch their every gesture, look and word, so that God forbid they awaken aggression in them. These families isolate themselves from friends and relatives, living in complete isolation, alone with their problems.

Cobras are much less common, but their behavior is difficult to predict. They do not need to inflame themselves; on the contrary, they attack silently and unexpectedly. During the strike they have a completely calm, even absent look. At the same time, neither temperature nor pressure rises. At the slightest provocation, they beat their wives half to death in absolute cold blood. They hit you regardless of how you feel or your situation. It will not be difficult for them to raise their hand even to a pregnant woman.

These are very dangerous, cruel men, although it is easier to redirect their rage into a calmer direction. When they see that the victim does not respond to his bullying, they may find another object to relieve the irritation. But you shouldn’t be happy about this: your family, friends and even children can be such a source.

Why does a man spread his arms?

The idea that all women who suffer beatings from men are timid, submissive and downtrodden is not always true. Most often, wives themselves actively participate in squabbles, making sarcastic remarks, insulting, and even beating their partners. They often do this in response to threats from their husband.

Such women, like men, quickly get excited and become aggressive even over trifles. They lose their heads and infuriate their husband even more, which ultimately leads to a fight. While men are fighting for power in their homes, women are fighting for life.

But what are the reasons for this behavior of husbands? From scratch, a man does not become a tyrant and sadist.

Childhood psychological trauma

The most common case is memories of the father's behavior in his own family. If your husband had the same problems with his parents as a child, the likelihood of abuse of his own family is very high. As a little boy, he watched in horror as his angry father humiliated and beat his mother. The child suffered deeply from fear and injustice, and swore to himself that he would never in his life allow himself to be the same as his dad. However, this pattern of behavior is the only thing he has learned since childhood. He simply does not understand how to resolve the conflict differently, which is why he repeats his father’s actions on a subconscious level. After all, if a husband beats his mother, why can’t he also rein in his wife?

If your young man comes from such a family, and he is already beginning to show signs of aggressiveness, persuade him to go to a psychologist. Explain the complexity of the situation, tell him how much you love him, how much you don’t want your child to see what he had to see.

If your spouse has a desire to keep the marriage loving and strong, he will most likely agree to your proposal. Although, unfortunately, this only works if the husband himself is burdened by his behavior and wants to change himself. Be vigilant while everything can be fixed. If he has already beaten you at least once, it will be more difficult to heal your loved one. Plus, you will need to forgive him. Can you do it?

Alcoholism

The husband drinks and beats his wife, being insane for most of his life. Sometimes a woman also begins to drown out her grief with alcohol along with him, unable to find a way out, preferring to forget about mental and physical pain. And two drinking spouses in a family are a disaster.

Even if a woman does not drink alcohol, she still falls out of life and is completely dependent on the state of her husband. Eternal waiting - whether he will come home drunk or sober, whether he will lose his temper again or leave her alone. The psyche of alcoholics is disturbed, they are unable to control their own behavior, their actions are inadequate. Most injuries and murders at home occur precisely at the moment of alcohol intoxication.

It is very difficult to treat such people, but if you want to save the relationship and return your husband to normal, it’s worth a try. The main thing is to try to solve this problem together. If a man does not have a sincere desire to stop drinking, then nothing will work.

Remind him of the best things that happened in your life together. Try to convince him that you need him healthy and adequate, that you and your children do not want to suffer anymore. Explain that if a husband beats and abuses his wife, all family members suffer.

If the degree of alcoholism is not too advanced, your spouse may decide to get treatment and stop drinking. If the physiological and mental dependence is so high that it becomes an instinct for him, then he would rather prefer the bottle to his family. In this case, take care of yourself and the health of your children and cut off all ties.

Humiliated and insulted

Another example of a tyrant husband is a man with low self-esteem. He has no luck around him, people treat him mockingly, he is not respected or appreciated by the team. Unable to satisfy their often lofty ambitions, such men throw out all their negativity at home, on the closest and most loving people. Here they definitely cannot get the rebuff they deserve and rise in their own eyes. Any manifestation of superiority is important to him, at least over weak women and children.

They, like air, need proof of their “dominance” in the house, because this is the only way they are worth something in their own eyes. They take revenge for insults, for disrespect, for laughing at themselves. Ordinary losers, unable to realize themselves in life, trample their loved ones into the mud. This is how they live.

If your husband is a tyrant of this type, then save yourself immediately. Selfishness is incurable, promises of improvement are false. You should not become a punching bag for the sake of a person who wants to increase personal self-esteem in this way. He just beat you and will continue to let his hands go.

Darling of fate

A husband who beats his family could be someone who was very spoiled as a child. He is used to the fact that everyone around him indulges his desires; any “I want” is the law of life for those around him. A man simply cannot comprehend why his wife does not immediately comply with all his demands and does not stand at attention when he approaches. Without receiving submission, such people can fall into uncontrollable aggression and spend a long time “punishing” loved ones for the offense they have caused.

Having not been accustomed to independence since childhood, they demand from their wives what they cannot do themselves. This is not only men's housework, but also solving financial and domestic issues. As a rule, they do not consider betrayal a sin at all, because such “wonderful” people are allowed absolutely everything. And if suddenly the wives decide to tell them what to do, then you just need to teach them a lesson and show them who’s boss.

If your husband is like this type of person, run without looking back! No love is worth such mental and physical pain. And if you have children, protect them from mental trauma, give them the opportunity to grow up as decent, happy people!

What kind of women endure bullying and humiliation?

Many wives are ready to forever forgive their abusive husbands and be by their side. What is it: fear, loneliness or incomprehensible masochism? Is love so blind that it allows them to shackle themselves into a lifelong prison of humiliation and pain? There is a reasonable explanation for this behavior.

Naivety or greed

Some women think: “When my husband hits me, this is how he shows his feelings.” This fairy tale has long lost its relevance. Once upon a time, our great-grandmothers got married by agreement of their parents, without even seeing the groom before the wedding. They lived together all their lives, be it a successful marriage or an unhappy existence. Since divorce was impossible, the popular “beats means he loves” was salvation and an explanation for what was happening.

Even now, despite the propaganda against violence, women are sure that it is the norm for almost every modern family. After all, neighbors and relatives also have scandals. The husband beats them, and then repents, gives them flowers, gold, diamonds, swears that this was the last time.

It gets to the point that sometimes wives see a split personality in their husbands: the kind one with flowers is considered real, and the aggressive one with fists is considered an accident, illness, circumstances. Sometimes women subconsciously begin to provoke their spouse so that he will shower them with gifts the next day. But in such cases, fights happen more and more often, and apologies become less and less common.

Suicide threats

Sometimes men blackmail their wives that they will commit suicide if they leave them and leave. Often such words do not mean a real threat, it is only a reason to keep you with them at all times, to be able to control you. Plus, women become pliable and begin to fear even their own shadow. Who wants to be the cause of someone else's death, even if this person brings moral and physical pain.

Living in constant fear and tension, fearing the possible death of a person “through your fault” - is this what you expected when you got married? If you succumb to blackmail, you will forever be a guiltlessly guilty and deeply unhappy woman. And after a couple of decades, such a “male” may leave for another, and you will be left alone. Due to constant worries and nervous breakdowns, your hair will begin to turn gray prematurely, wrinkles will appear, and the sparkle in your eyes will disappear. You need it?

Do not feel sorry for your husband, be a femme fatale - give him the opportunity to do as he sees fit. Only a few are capable of taking such a terrible step as suicide. The most they can do is fake an attempt to keep you on a short leash. Otherwise, they only develop feelings of guilt and despair in their wives. By the way, all suicidal people are registered in a psychiatric hospital. And in some cases he will have a very hard time, especially if he wants to change jobs or get personal transport. Don't forget to tell your spouse about this.

Children need a father

Many women believe that a tyrant dad is better than no father at all. This is where they are very wrong. Seeing constant scandals and fights between parents, children’s psyches are deeply traumatized. This is dangerous for boys: as adults, they copy the behavior of their father in their family. It’s hard for girls - in the future, in order to start a family, they will subconsciously look for cruel men like their father.

As a result, the tyrant will ruin the life not only of you, but also of innocent children. Sometimes husbands even raise their hands against them, which cannot but affect the mental and physical health of the children. Did you know that most child killers are convicted of killing fathers who beat their wives and children? And public opinion condemns in all this the mother who did not protect the child from such a “loving” and “caring” dad.

Material dependence

One of the common reasons why wives do not leave their husbands who beat them is financial dependence. They have nowhere and nothing to live on. This situation often occurs in families where wives either do not work or receive a very small salary. Despite such difficulties, if you wish, you can find a way out. Seek help from relatives or friends, explain the situation, ask for help. They will definitely support you and help you hold out for the first time until you find a job.

Understand that the safety of your children is also in your hands. Many successful, financially independent women also started from scratch. We have been in the same terrible circumstances (or even worse). If they were able to rise, then you can do it too.

Aggressive husbands - a problem of the twenty-first century

If you are still wondering whether to continue living in torment, or believe that your beating husband is your karma, think about the following information:

• In Russia, a woman dies at the hands of her husband or partner every 40 minutes. Every year a terrible number - from 12 to 14 thousand people.
• The risk of dying at the hands of a stranger in our country is an order of magnitude lower than in one’s own family.
• Every day, every 36 thousand women are beaten by their husbands and partners.
• More than 50 thousand children run away from home to escape beatings of their parents.
• About 2 thousand children take their own lives every year. The reason was that one of their parents beat them.

Perhaps this data will push you to the right decision, will help you understand whether it is worth living with someone who poses a threat to you or your loved ones.

When a decent man can raise his hand

A real man should never, under any circumstances, lay a hand on a woman. This is a rule that everyone should know. But there are exceptions. A man can hit if, for example, his life is in danger. This is laid down at the level of instinct. Aggression manifests itself if the same applies to his children. Therefore, you should not rush at your husband with a frying pan or at your children with a belt. The consequences can be dire.

Adultery can drive a man crazy. Especially if he devoted his whole life to his family, and she goes out with, say, his best friend. Many murders are committed due to jealousy. The person is in a state of passion. There is no excuse for this, but you should still be honest with your loved one. Please exercise caution.

Family psychology

Why do our men often resort to forceful methods of influence? Because by nature they have a need for self-affirmation at any cost. This is a male instinct that forces some to go to war, some to play sports, some to fight in the gateways, and some to beat their wives and children. Not all men are inclined to realize their need to assert themselves with the help of physical strength.

Sometimes a woman herself provokes the appearance of aggression in a man who is prone to it. She begins to make some increased demands on him, doubts her husband’s capabilities, and ridicules his actions and plans. And then he receives a slap in the face from his unrestrained husband. When a man has a predisposition to violence, one should try to show as little hostility towards him as possible. Otherwise, there is a high probability that wife beating will become a completely acceptable and commonplace activity for the spouse.

It happens that fights in the family are like a kind of love recharge. After them, the spouses begin to feel even more attracted to each other. The situation with violence here is hopeless. Both men and women need this to fuel passion and strengthen mutual affection. Even if such a couple breaks up, it won’t be for long.

In principle, almost everyone whose wife is regularly beaten by their husbands is in the trap of addiction. The overwhelming majority of them leave their tyrants from time to time, but then, for one reason or another, return to them again. If a husband allows himself to beat his wife more than once or twice, she is already psychologically suppressed. Whether a woman wants it or not, she subconsciously becomes attached to her despot. Who knows why this happens. Either ancient instincts are awakening, or the fear of loneliness is depressing. Or maybe some complexes are at work or incorrect upbringing contributes to the connivance of violence on the part of the husband.

How to behave as a woman

It must be said that a woman who is strong-willed, ambitious, confident in herself and in her abilities will never become a wife who is constantly subjected to beatings from her husband. Without thinking for a long time, she will immediately break off the relationship with the man. And he will never resume them again.

But a woman with a weak character, with low self-esteem, can tolerate a bully all her life. Thus dooming themselves and their own children to complete misfortune. Well, weak people are generally not capable of decisive actions, and it is impossible to quickly change their character. And it’s not easy to change it. Therefore, in order not to fall into the clutches of your husband-beast, you must try to discern in him a tendency towards tyranny in advance.

Often men who gravitate toward complete dictatorship in the family are quite attractive. They can turn a girl’s head by surrounding her with attention and care. It seems to a young lady in love that next to such a man she will always be comfortable and reliable, as if behind a stone wall. However, after the wedding, the stone wall suddenly becomes a prison wall. And in the relationship between the newly-made spouses, the relationship between a boa constrictor and a rabbit begins to work.

What should a girl be wary of at the beginning? acquaintance

Signs that a man is predisposed to physical aggression:

• The hidden despot almost immediately after meeting her begins to make seemingly innocent remarks about her friends, relatives and acquaintances.
• A future tyrant husband often tries to make a girl jealous, drawing her attention to how other young ladies seem to be flirting with him.
• The guy tries to alienate the girl from her family, convincing her that mom, dad, brother, sister want to ruin their relationship.
• A man can quickly become furious over some little thing and lose control of himself.

Prevention of domestic violence

At first, such behavior is not very noticeable and is not perceived sharply by the girl. And then, completely unnoticed by herself, she finds herself in the power of a tyrant. Friends disappear, relatives are relegated to the background. The beloved begins to make trouble and lose his temper for any reason, calling names, humiliating, and using force. The poor thing despairs, rushes about, tries to please him, but all her attempts to normalize the atmosphere in the house are useless.

A woman should try to raise her own self-esteem. There are many methods for developing respect and love for one’s personality. Choosing the most suitable one from them will not be difficult. Yes, my husband has already managed to convince us that we are ugly, clumsy, stupid, and so on. However, every person is valuable and worthy of happiness, and we are no exception. And no one has the right to encroach on this happiness and take it away from us.

If we want to save our family while improving the atmosphere in the house, we need to act gradually and consistently. Let's eliminate the fear of our spouse and tear it out by the roots! After all, we are free and the choice of life path is always ours. And, since the decision has already been made to save the marriage, we will try to behave with our husband a little differently. We praise his virtues more often, we become more affectionate, calmer, and more positive.

What makes a woman stay with a man who has sadistic tendencies? And how to get out of this circle? Psychologists respond to the reader’s letter.

Losing a loved one is easy, but regaining an emotional connection or finding an equally strong new one is not the easiest task. Perhaps you shouldn’t be a hero and try to figure out a problem on your own that seems unsolvable to you. We offer you professional help from psychologists from the Center for Successful Relationships. You send us your story, and we publish it with comments from specialists. In order for us to better understand the essence of the problem, please send as detailed (of course, as appropriate for you personally) stories. And we will do everything possible to ensure that good mood, harmony and peace return to your home. The anonymity of letters is guaranteed.

We are waiting for your letters at [email protected] To prevent your letter from getting lost, please indicate “My Story” in the subject line.

Hello, I hope for your help. And I need her. My name is Tatyana, I am 30 years old. I got married at 26. He is 31. A week before the wedding, I found a page on my computer from a dating site and read the entire correspondence. Treason upon betrayal. He answered me that it was not he who was conducting the correspondence. Yeah, brownie.

In general, it changes. Still on this dating site. I’m from another city, and when he got married, he hoped that I didn’t know anyone here, which means I’d never know anything about him.

Once I was in the hospital with a cyst. I asked to go home - I came, cleaned, cooked dinner, and pleased my husband. Although it was impossible. I went to the hospital to spend the night. At 24.00 a girl calls from his number. And he finds out with me who I am. Shock, bewilderment.

The girl turned out to be adequate. He's been playing tricks on her for a year. That he's not married. She, like anyone else, didn’t even know about her wife. She wanted to start a family...

I left him more than once - he returned. I love it and I hate it.

I also have two ectopic pregnancies. There are no pipes. It’s a diseased liver, but it’s curable, thank God.

I learn about more and more of his campaigns more and more often. Although I don’t deprive him of intimacy. I do everything, and even more.

I noticed that he even practices with ladies over 40. I cook and clean. I bring him food into the hall and take away the dishes. Running errands. On occasion he always humiliates me. Never praises. “Thank you”, “please” are completely absent. Drinks. Sometimes he hits me terribly and does not repent. Refusing sex to him when he’s drunk means that I’ll stand naked on the balcony, or violence. He knows what IVF needs to be done, which requires work, money and time. I'm 31, I'm not getting any younger.

But the other day I found him on another website - and so, there he writes about relationships. Like, nothing serious, not married. I don't have children, but I would like to. Does he want to finish off something? Bring someone else who will give birth to him.

His job is good. But he doesn’t give me money. You have to ask with a scandal: where, why, and where are yours? He drinks alcohol himself and does not regret going on leftist campaigns.

We live like neighbors - bring it, go and don’t disturb. We don't talk on the phone during the day. I learned it this way. Although I would like my husband to call and ask how things are going. No never.

In their family there are only tyrants in their family. But everyone has a higher education and has achieved something. Grandfather chased grandmother, father chased mother, son chased me. He often doesn’t let me go home, so I spend the night wherever I can. I don’t want a divorce, I want to try to save the marriage or start over.

Help me, how to reason with him, where to take him so that he understands something. I don't see any gifts. He didn’t even bring a flower for betrayal.

I can't leave. I don’t respect myself anymore for this. I'm afraid to start all over again. At 31 years old. How can I leave? Rise from scratch. Survive it all. Who needs me now, spoiled? Only for mom. What to do? How to become happy? Why is everything so cruel? I'm a man.

Psychologist's comment

Sergey Zhadko, psychologist at the Center for Successful Relationships,

body therapist, training leader

Hello Tatiana. I read your story. I would like to ask you a question: why don’t you love yourself so much?

If your husband does this to you, it means you allow it. Your relationship is not love, but addiction. Based on your letter, your husband is happy with everything. And he doesn’t believe that he needs to change and develop your relationship.

Answer the question for yourself, why do you endure all this bullying and choose to live with such a person? Why are you holding on to him? Perhaps you are afraid of loneliness and a state of alienation, you are driven by fear and self-doubt, you do not believe in yourself, you do not believe that you can build a healthy relationship with another man, that you yourself can live in this world and be happy.

Your behavior is that of a victim. In fact, you have a benefit why you live with your husband who treats you this way. And the reason, first of all, is not in him, but in you.

You choose to cling to people, to become dependent on them. Most likely, your symbiotic dependent behavior was formed in childhood in relationships with your parents and significant adults. And it is associated with a violation of the basic needs for security, love and acceptance, understanding and recognition, independence, autonomy and self-development. In order to resolve this situation, you need to understand the causal mechanism of your behavior. Your main tendency is to gain “security” and escape from yourself, from your personal freedom and responsibility. Your behavior reveals a feeling of powerlessness, insignificance and secondary (hidden) gain. And it looks like you enjoy being humiliated. You exhibit masochistic behavior, but your husband exhibits sadistic behavior, and that is why you are together. You are in painful conflict with yourself. You have tied yourself to your husband, and you need him, because it is unbearable for you to be yourself and the state of your loneliness is unbearable. And in order to overcome this state and feel safe, you abandoned yourself, your freedom and became part of another person, in your opinion, more “powerful and strong” than you. In this way, you share and attribute its power to yourself, gaining new pride and significance, receiving protection and relief from painful doubts in making decisions and responsibility for your life and its meaning.

You chose to succumb to your husband’s attitudes that you are nothing without him (perhaps such attitudes were given to you by another significant loved one). These attitudes are false. You have an inner resource that will allow you to overcome your fears and difficulties. You just need to believe in yourself and start taking concrete action. It will be difficult for you alone to escape from this situation at this stage. But in our country there are many specialists and organizations that can support you.

If you want to transform your life situation, then you need to interact with a psychologist.

I recommend that you learn to set boundaries in relationships, take responsibility for your life, take care of yourself, respect and truly love yourself. Realize your hidden motives, understand that you yourself are the reason for what happens to you. Develop self-confidence. Find your support and understand the strategy of how to act and protect yourself. Learn to overcome fear. Seek to understand and realize your personal meaning and purpose. Free yourself from the psychological cage in which you live.

Only by developing yourself, your inner strength, your individual human potential, will you find harmony, freedom, unity and integrity.

Women may encounter a situation where the husband does not know how to drink, and because of this, problems begin in the family. Because of alcohol, a husband may not only fail to fulfill his duties, but also insult his wife. Because of this behavior, more than one couple divorced, and in some cases it was possible to save the family. It is enough to know how to behave correctly if your husband is on a drinking binge and behaves inappropriately.

The essence of the problem

Unfortunately, now women are often faced with the fact that their husband drinks and does not spend the night at home. Of course, such behavior cannot be considered normal, and the wife has to constantly be nervous if a loved one drinks alcohol all day long. Because if he’s gone for the whole night and doesn’t make himself known, then thoughts arise about whether everything is okay with him, because he’s drunk.

An alcoholic in a family can behave differently: some are able to control themselves, even going on a binge, while others drive their spouse to divorce. But in any case, a drunkard brings grief to his loved ones, because taking ethanol is harmful, and gradually the person kills himself.

It is much worse if the husband drinks and begins to humiliate the woman, and this happens regularly. Often because of this, the wife leaves, because she is not ready to tolerate someone who drinks and is aggressive at the same time. But there are also spouses who are devoted to a man, love him and therefore tolerate drunken antics. It is especially difficult for them, because it is impossible to endure a husband calling him names and still remain happy.

It is important to know what to do if your husband drinks and abuses you. Because if you take certain measures, then there is a chance to restore normal relationships and save the family.

If he insults

Having gone on a binge, for a week or a month, a person’s behavior becomes less and less adequate every day. And the more he drinks, the more problems he causes. Some become aggressive and cannot control their emotions, which are much more pronounced when drunk.

Because of this, the drinking husband begins to humiliate his wife, calls her names and tries in every possible way to bring her to tears. If something like this happened once, then you need to try to forget about what happened. It’s good if the spouse admitted his guilt and apologized, promising not to repeat this. Perhaps he will keep his word and won’t have to part with him.

However, if a person drank almost every day and regularly insulted, then any patience will not be enough. The easiest thing would be to file for divorce so that you don’t have to endure humiliation and suffer because of it. But the situation becomes more complicated if there is a common child or several children. Then the woman has reasons to want to save the family and return love. You should remember that if your husband swears, you nag him in response, then nothing good will come of it. A wise woman knows that aggression will not achieve the desired result.

What to do:

• Do not be rude in response, do not call names or try to humiliate.
• Do not interrupt, do not leave, listen with a calm expression on your face.
• Do not use force, as even a slap in the face can provoke a man to commit violent acts.
• Try not to shout, you can raise your voice a little if necessary.
• There is no point in explaining anything in a fit of anger. You need to wait until your husband cools down and only then try to talk to him.

However, if such behavior does not help, and you only managed to achieve a break between drinking sessions, then you should think about whether you need to live with such a person.

It may be time to walk away and stop fighting for the relationship.

If he cheats

It is not uncommon for a husband to go out after drinking a large dose of alcohol. You can suspect cheating if the spouse did not spend the night at home for one or several days, and also began to consistently stay late at work or not come to his wife at all. Of course, you shouldn’t immediately conclude that he has another girlfriend, because he can only spend time with friends. However, if it seems that he has started to take a walk, then it is worth looking for evidence.

But first you need to decide for yourself whether you want to know the truth or whether it will be easier to pretend that nothing happened. Because if it really turns out that he cheated once or is often unfaithful, then the relationship will not be the same.

How to behave:

• Try to understand what prompted him to cheat. Perhaps the wife became cold, feelings faded, relationships deteriorated due to scandals. However, you should not get carried away by justifying your husband, because cheating for any reason is an unworthy act.
• Don't throw a tantrum, don't cry or beg. Even if he stays with you out of pity, this will not make the couple happy. If he fell in love with another, then you shouldn’t keep him.
• When filing for divorce, you don’t need to change your mind because of persuasion and gifts. Remember that if you cheated once, you will betray you a second time. If you are not ready to put up with this, then there is no point in staying in a relationship with an unfaithful person.
• If you decide to forgive, then never remember what happened and do not reproach.
• Make a requirement that he undergo treatment for alcohol addiction if he wants to stay at home.

In general, we can say that a wandering husband should not be tolerated, unless the woman herself is prone to cheating. Because unfaithful men rarely correct themselves; at best, they pretend to be good for a while.

Fighting addiction

When the problem is alcoholism, then it is important to overcome this disease in order to improve relationships. It will not be enough to say “don’t drink”; you will need to take certain measures.

A woman needs to be prepared to go through a difficult path, because the fight against addiction is difficult for everyone.

You can try to overcome cravings for alcohol at home. To do this, you first need to decompose the substances. A person should not even allow himself to drink sometimes, so as not to relapse. You need to improve your diet and use vitamins to normalize the functioning of your body.

Folk remedies can be used as a supplement, but not as the main method of treatment. Because healing decoctions can support the functioning of organs, but are not effective enough to combat addiction. Therefore, you should use medications if you want to achieve a positive result.

As a last resort, you will need to go to a clinic where you can fight your cravings for alcohol. Specialists will help a person recognize the presence of a problem, and also set them up to resist addiction. The clinic puts in IVs and prescribes medications that can help. Doctors closely monitor a person’s condition, and they will really help overcome alcoholism.

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Should a wife tolerate her husband's assault? Should I endure my husband’s assault or should I leave him? What does the Lord expect from a woman in such cases: obedience and humbly carrying her Cross, or the woman leaving her family to save her life?

The Holy Fathers teach us to take the choice of a future husband or wife very seriously. During the wedding, it is worth paying close attention to how our chosen one or chosen one relates to God, to faith, and to church life. It is worth taking a closer look at how our chosen ones treat their parents and ours. Also, the holy fathers strongly advise not to rush to tie the knot, but to pray a lot and ask the Lord to either unite us in holy marriage, if we are saved while married, or take marriage or marriage away from us, if He wishes in advance it is known that our marriage will be unhappy.

How are we? Girls strive to marry just anyone, and all because they simply do not trust God and are afraid of remaining unmarried. Moreover, they don’t even just marry the first person they meet, but also someone who, already during the marriage, beats them, drinks, and insults both his and her parents. Such unreasonable girls naively and stupidly believe that with their love, attention and care, they can change the evil character of their chosen ones and will change them. And then, having already become wives, they despair and think about begging their husbands, leave them, and run away from them in fear for their lives. So who is to blame for what happened? It is their own fault that they took on the feat beyond their strength.

There was such a case. One woman had a fierce and evil husband. He drank and beat his wife every day. And this went on for many years. The poor woman did not leave her husband, but prayed incessantly, asking God to save her husband’s perishing soul. One day her husband hit her so hard that she fell ill and died. She was buried. And so, when her husband stood next to her grave, he suddenly realized his terrible sin! He threw himself on the grave of his poor wife and wept bitterly! So he lay on the grave for three days, constantly crying and complaining bitterly. Then he got up and went home a completely different person. He was left alone. But he no longer drank, but spent all his time in prayer and fasting. He became the most humble and God-fearing. Many, years later, did not even believe that this handsome old man, humble and meek, was once a tyrant and despot in the family. This is how the poor woman saved herself and her husband. But there are few great women like her, martyrs, prayer books, who would lay down their souls for the salvation of the souls of their husbands. We are running from our Cross, but Elder Archimandrite John Krestyankin said: “They don’t come down from the Cross, they take them off it.”

Priest Dimitry Sinyavin writes:

"E There are many cases when husbands, through the prayer of their wives, changed, corrected their lives, and, by the grace of God, life in these families became happy. My father, about 30 years ago, advised a woman to endure and pray for her husband, who was inadequate when he was drunk and ran after her with an ax. She endured him for 10 years and prayed and believed. Now they have been living very well for about 20 years, happily, in perfect harmony. Let me give you another example. One man drank heavily and beat everyone. Every day, both his children and his wife prayed for him with tears on their knees in front of the icons. One day the Lord awakened the conscience of this man, and he could not even withstand the remorse of his conscience, took a new rope and went to the attic to hang himself. But the rope broke. On his 3rd attempt to hang himself, a demon appeared to him in a terrible, scary form and told him to pull the piece of iron out of his pocket, as it was bothering him. This man quickly got down from the attic and ran to his wife and fell on her knees and asked for forgiveness. His wife forgave him, and they began to live happily. This man became not only a good father and husband, but also a believer. That piece of iron was a cross that his wife sewed into his pocket for him to wear, and it saved his life. I can give more examples, but I think this is enough. The Apostle Paul writes that a non-believing husband is sanctified by a believing wife. The Apostle Paul writes in the sense that wives should not leave their husbands if they have come to faith and their husbands have not. The Lord Himself said that if a person has faith, then everything is possible to the believer. The Lord can do anything. If the Lord converted Saul, who was an ardent and zealous persecutor of Christians, to the Christian faith, and became a great apostle, we call him the supreme apostle Paul. Yes, we don’t have that faith in our time, so we come down from the cross and receive several crosses. Instead of praying fervently, strengthening our faith, and receiving a miracle from God, it is easier and more convenient for us to simply walk away and leave the sick person. Every person has freedom, the Lord Himself does not violate it, therefore he can do as he pleases. I know that the Lord will never give a cross too heavy to bear, and there is a way out everywhere, and God can always create a miracle, if only we have faith in us. The Lord Himself said about the last times that when He comes, will He find faith on earth? I don't blame women who leave their husbands. I just want to show another way, more perfect and correct. If I, a priest, had written differently, I would have confused other people who had stricter views on life.”

Of course, there are many human destinies, like the sand of the sea, and we do not set ourselves the task of bringing everything under one brush. No, only sacrificial, highly spiritual, strong people can tolerate others and beg for their offenders. Not like us: selfish and weak, thinking only about our own salvation, only about ourselves, and not able to sacrifice ourselves for the salvation of our neighbor.

It happens that a wife must leave her husband, who beats both her and the children, and the Church can bless this. But before you leave, ask yourself a question: did you not think at the beginning of your family life that its end would be so sad? Why did you suffer such a punishment as a cruel husband? Maybe because you did not preserve your virginity before marriage, as you should and were obliged to preserve? Maybe because they didn’t want to burden themselves with having children, because it’s complicated, difficult, and painful, and they settled on one or two children?

Almost most women have one or, at most, two children, and they do not want to give birth anymore because it is difficult and burdensome. If a woman does not want to accept from God the opportunity to become a mother of many children, then the Lord will not leave her, and will save such a woman not through childbearing, as is natural for any woman, but through the patience of a cruel husband. After all, we can be saved only through suffering, only through the humble bearing of our saving Cross, for only through the narrow gates must we enter the Kingdom of Heaven!

I know women who give birth every one and a half to two years. Yes, it’s hard for them, yes, you can forget about your figure, yes, there are sleepless nights, yes, among the everyday worries about children, there is no time to think about yourself, so you spin all day long, like a squirrel in a wheel. But the husbands of such mothers with many children are faithful and caring. And among those women who avoid childbearing, who are afraid of having many children, who are faint-hearted and afraid to give birth because of the difficulties of life, who do not trust in God, who love themselves more than want to please God - those women, as a rule, have husbands cruel ones who beat their wives and do not love them. Well, such women love themselves for both, and will not allow themselves to be insulted. For example, recently, the twelfth child was born in one family. Twelfth! And you, dear women, how many children do you have? What Cross do you bear for your salvation? After all, each of us has our own Cross, by bearing which we can be saved, and each of us has exactly the Cross that we deserve and which we can bear, for the Lord never gives a Cross beyond our strength.

Sometimes you look and see how husbands ask their wives to give birth to children for them, but they refuse because they are afraid that they do not have enough money and strength to raise and raise a child. Sometimes you hear a wife publicly insult her husband: you’re a fool, so-and-so, you don’t know how to work, you don’t earn money, and look, Petya’s wife already drives her own car, and you, idiot, I don’t even want mink coats did not buy! Is that really possible? What kind of husband, after such words, will not fall into despair, will not start drinking, and then beating his wife, the one who did not believe in him, the one who did not support him when he fell, did not lend a helping hand?

The influence of a woman on a man is incredibly huge. One very rich man, when asked what he would like to become if he had not become what he became, replied: “I don’t care what I become. If only my wife was next to me, the one who believed in me all these years even when no one believed in me.” If a wife supports her husband, believes in his strength and is content with what her husband can give her, then such a husband is unlikely to hit his wife, because he sees her as a friend and helper; for him, his wife is part of his “I”, so why should he beat himself?

Before getting married, you need to think very seriously about why you are getting married, can you endure the sorrows of family life, are you able to sacrifice yourself for the sake of your husband? Before tying yourself to the unbreakable bonds of marriage, you should behave with dignity with your future husband even during the dating period, you should understand, talk, discuss whether you have a unity of views, whether you have common interests. You must preserve your virginity more than anything else! And if you lived with your future husband in fornication before marriage, and then got married, then be prepared for sorrows, with the patience of which you can only pray out your sin of fornication and premarital cohabitation.

One priest said that a husband begins to drink and beat his wife not because of her pies and tender care, and if this happens, then the reason should be looked for in yourself. If your conscience is clear and you are not guilty of anything, then God chose you for the sake of saving the unfortunate soul of your husband, so that with your love and meekness you would save his immortal soul.

There is such a parable. One day our Lord Jesus Christ was walking along with His disciples. They had no food. They met a man with bread and water. The disciples asked this man to give them a little bread, since they had been on the road for a long time and their strength had weakened, and the journey was still long. But the man shouted at them: “Get away from me, you ragamuffins, before I set the dogs on you!” The students moved on. Then they met a beautiful girl carrying a jug of water. She saw the tired appearance of the travelers, gave them water to drink and warmed them with warm words. When the disciples and the Lord went some distance away, they asked: “Teacher! What will life be like for this kind and beautiful girl?” To this the Lord told them: “She will marry that fierce man.” The students were saddened and asked in bewilderment why the poor girl was being punished like this? The Lord said: “Her kind heart will save the immortal soul of her fierce husband, and she herself will give the crown of martyrdom.”

This article contains general features. Indeed, everyone has their own destiny, and what you should do in a given situation is up to you, dear women, to decide. When a husband allows himself to beat his wife, this means that in this situation he may be a spiritually sick person who does not control his actions, and this can be dangerous to the life and health of both his wife and children. In this case, there will be no sin if the wife leaves her husband for the sake of her children, so as not to traumatize their psyche. It should be remembered that true love does not get irritated, forgives everything and never ceases, it is eternal. Church rules do not prohibit the dissolution of a marriage and the separation of spouses in cases where there has been infidelity, as well as where there is a threat to the life of the wife and children, and where one of the spouses turns out to be mentally abnormal. We do not advise women who are forced to endure their husband’s assault not to leave him, or, on the contrary, to endure it. But we advise you to act in such a way that your conscience is clear and calm, that you did everything in your power to save your husband. We advise poor women who bear such a heavy Cross to pray more, take communion more often and do good to people.

If a husband beats his wife, that means... She deserves it? Is he a scoundrel? This is their family matter, will they sort it out themselves? Oddly enough, in our society, which seems to have emerged from the times of Domostroy a long time ago, there is no single view on this problem. Moreover, if you look at it from the outside, with the cold gaze of an outside observer. Here you can talk a lot about the roles of men and women in the family, the nuances of relationships, the responsibility that each spouse bears for their development. What will it be like to be at the very epicenter of events? Especially as a victim?

Too often, under the guise of a friendly family, there is an alliance between a victim and a tyrant.

Whoever beats his wife, God gives him?

There are negligibly few men who would be clearly aware that when they raise their hands against a woman, they are doing, to put it mildly, wrong. Every domestic aggressor has a “worthy” excuse for his actions. One has no doubt that the missus herself brought him down: she did not greet him as appropriate after a hard day of work; stuck her hand in at the wrong time with reproaches; chirped sweetly with a neighbor on the staircase - probably for a reason, rubbish...

Another regards beatings as the most powerful argument in any dispute. The third one completely sincerely professes the principle “Love your wife like a soul, shake her like a pear,” confident that this is exactly how one should assert his position as the head of the family.

By the way, our ancestors were not the only ones who shone with such pearls. There are plenty of proverbs explaining how to use fists to build a good relationship with your spouse in the languages ​​of other nations. “Beat your wife, even if you don’t know why, she knows,” they said in Africa. “Without a club there will be no virtuous wife,” they taught in China. In India, a woman’s head was compared to the head of a nail in a cart: they say, until you hit it properly, there will be no sense. In good old England, it was advised to beat your spouse as often as you beat a gong. And an Arab proverb says that a man who is not able to slaughter a sheep and beat his wife when she has done something wrong is not worth living.

Is the need to prove one’s masculine worth and authority through beatings an integral feature of the stronger sex, existing beyond time and boundaries?

Violence against women was the norm in earlier times. What about now?

Psychology of the aggressor and the reasons for his behavior

Of course, traditions leave their mark on human behavior. But these sayings have been a thing of the past for many decades, why do some continue to diligently follow their, alas, not at all wise instructions? Yes, there are some! According to statistics, in our country every day 36,000 women are subjected to violence by their spouse or cohabitant - and this is only according to official data. And the chance of dying at the hands of an accidental scumbag in a doorway for most representatives of the fair sex is much lower than being killed in your own kitchen in a domestic quarrel. What makes the “strong and courageous” regularly raise their hand to their soulmate?

But for some, scandals and beatings are just a love prelude

Under no circumstances can any of the listed reasons be an excuse for a domestic tyrant. Believe me, he is quite capable of controlling his rage. If an aggressor husband does not throw his fists at a picky boss, is afraid to fight back a two-meter brute who pushed him out of line, obediently listens to the scolding of an inspector on the road, but cannot contain his anger alone with a defenseless woman, then he simply does not consider it necessary to do this . For what? Everything suits him. He feels good, comfortable, pleasant. And he sees no reason to change his line of behavior. Sometimes such men get such a taste that even the presence of children does not stop them - the habit of giving free rein to their hands turns out to be stronger than the voice of reason.

Children in the line of fire

Speaking of children. Women who are stubbornly trying to maintain an alliance with a brawler, “so that the child has a father,” should remember: the youngest, weakest members of the family often fall under the hot hand of the aggressor father. There is no guarantee that sooner or later the wrath of the separated parent will not fall on the child, especially if the child is nearby in the midst of a quarrel, rushes to defend the mother, or otherwise shows disobedience. And you shouldn’t hope that after a slap in the heat of the moment, the would-be father will be horrified, repent and become more restrained. Do not forget, he is already accustomed to giving himself complete freedom within his own four walls and has learned to achieve respect - or what he considers respect - from his wife through physical violence. What will prevent the aggressor from using the tried and tested method of education on children? Certainly not high moral principles. Not to mention the fact that raising a mentally balanced, happy child in a house where swearing and the sound of blows are constantly heard is, in principle, impossible.

There cannot be normal growing up where cruelty and tears reign.

Dry statistics. About 50,000 children in our country run away from home every year to escape the beatings of one of their parents. About 2,000 people decide to commit suicide every year for the same reason. An alarming number of child killers end up in prison precisely for killing their fathers - out of self-defense or in an attempt to save their mother from daily beatings. So the legendary patience of beaten wives, who save the family by hook or by crook, is no longer a mistake, but rather a crime. Or rather, two: the first - against yourself, and the second - against your child.

How to resist domestic violence

A woman who has once experienced the brunt of the wrath of her beloved, be it her official husband or cohabitant, has two options: stay and try to restore the relationship that has cracked, or leave.

Life on a volcano

The first slap in the face rarely comes like a bolt from the blue. It does not happen that just yesterday a loving and smiling spouse today, as if by magic, turns into a monster with a furious grin and menacingly raised fists. If you analyze the situation, it always turns out that this was preceded by a long period of nagging, caustic remarks, and then outright insults towards the spouse. Usually, a lot of time passes before the future tyrant moves from words to deeds, but most women prefer to turn a blind eye to the growing aggression of their loved one, trying with all their might to find an excuse for him. "He's tired." "He's got problems." “It’s my own fault, why did I bother with this dry cleaning bill during football?”

Many wives paint themselves into a corner

Yes, I'm tired. Yes, we all have meltdowns from time to time. Yes, he needs your care, patience and understanding. But this does not at all excuse rudeness and rudeness. It’s one thing to irritably throw out: “Darling, will you let me watch TV in peace today?!” and something completely different: “Get away, cow!” A wife who dutifully endures moral “kicks” will very soon receive real ones. Therefore, violence must be resisted at the very beginning. Demand respect for yourself. Even the fact that you are “just” a housewife, and your loved one manages super-profitable projects at work and is immensely tired, does not put him on a level higher than you. A family is a union of equals, and nothing else. He brought his wife into his house, not a stress-relieving robot, right?

First hit

So, it did happen. It’s too early to grab a pen and write an application for divorce, but you need to take the first steps to clarify the situation immediately.

First of all, calm down. Emotions have never given anyone any good advice. Take a walk, breathe some fresh air, drink valerian or something stronger, and only then analyze the situation. Restore what happened in all details and try to understand what happened? Was your spouse drunk or sober? Was he afraid of what he had done or was he contentedly looking at the work of his hands? Didn’t you provoke him by speaking vilely about your spouse’s parents in the heat of an argument or by hurting his manhood? Of course, this will not be an excuse: any man always has the opportunity to loudly slam the door, having first sent his wife on a long and not entirely decent journey, and give himself time to cool down. But it can serve as a mitigating circumstance.

Think about it, don’t you rain down reproaches on your beloved too often?

After you think it over and calm down, decide what to do next. Do you want to forgive your erring spouse? Farewell. But don't be idle.

Talk to your husband and give him a clear ultimatum: one more blow, a slap in the face, a slap on the head - and you will immediately leave him. But keep in mind that the threat will need to be carried out. By forgiving the aggressor for the second and third time, you will show him that all your conditions are not worth a damn.

Be more picky about your behavior. Become even more affectionate and caring, spare no compliments for your spouse, pamper him with delicious dishes. Perhaps this breakdown is really caused by a difficult period in a man’s life, which he can only overcome with your support. However, remember that such problems cannot be solved alone. You should see reciprocal steps from your husband.

If your loved one has a really hot temper and is aware of this, a family psychologist will come to the rescue. But, again, the decision to go to him should be mutual.

Naturally, you can only forgive someone who has repented and is trying his best to make amends to you. If what happened does not seem out of the ordinary to your spouse, you are not on the same path with this person.

Our ancestors knew conspiracies for any occasion

Our ancestors, who suffered no less often from husbands who were quick to kill, had their own ways of returning peace to the family. For example, it was believed that a woman who managed to call her husband “dear” 40 times on the day of the Annunciation would live in harmony with him for a whole year. If more drastic measures were required, the beaten wife bought a new hammer and said over it: “Just as a heavy hammer does not lift, so that the servant of God such and such had a heavy tongue, would not rise and would not swear. May my words be strong and sculpted from now on and forever. Amen." You can also use the ancient conspiracy, but only as an auxiliary tool. It’s still not worth hoping for help from higher powers without taking any action to improve the situation.

Run, Lola, run

You were gentle and patient, surrounded your husband with warmth, sincerely tried to forget the incident when you were so humiliated, and in response you only received new portions of insults and slaps? Alas, it makes no sense to continue in the same spirit, hoping that one day your loved one will appreciate your sacrifice. How it makes no sense for the eleventh time, smearing blood and tears on your cheeks, listening to assurances that “this won’t happen again.” It will happen again. You have connected your life with a person for whom assault is not an isolated, egregious incident, but an excellent way to relax, and he has already become a taste for it. Think about it, is your marriage really worth covering up your bruises with foundation before every time you go out? Hardly. Does the vague “but the children have a father” compensate for the stress they will receive while living in the same house with an aggressor? Hardly. In addition, do not forget that such people only become tougher over time, and sometimes even lose all control over themselves, so in the end you may have to pay for your patience with your life.

Fight for your happiness, do not surrender to the mercy of fate and the aggressor!

If you fail to change the situation, pack your things and leave without any pity. Once and for all. For years, shuttling between your parents’ house and your ex-spouse’s house is a futile endeavor. Better spend your time and energy looking for a new soul mate. The one who will be able to keep her fists in her pockets.

Often a tyrant who has acquired a taste does not want to let his victim go so easily. They use blackmail with children, suicide, threats of physical violence... What to do?

First of all, realize that you are responsible only for your life and the lives of your children. Being a capable adult is not your concern. Many husbands tell their wives that they will commit suicide if they divorce, but very few actually intend to do so. Think for yourself, if you are so dear to him, why doesn’t the faithful make an effort to stop beating you at every opportunity? Why does he demand that you sacrifice your peace and health, while he himself will not make a basic effort on himself for your sake? Is it because in reality he only loves himself, and he only needs you as a cook, a servant and a whipping slave all rolled into one?

If you are afraid that your spouse will force you to stay, give up the idea of ​​making a show of leaving. Quietly and carefully prepare your escape routes.

Just don’t, following the advice and reviews of determined women from social networks, take the frying pan at the ready and try to restore justice on your own. Firstly, are you sure that in a moment this frying pan will not be pulled out of your hands and fall on your head? Secondly, can you accurately calculate the force of the impact? The article “exceeding necessary self-defense” is a very unpleasant thing, especially if a former loved one, after meeting with a cast-iron object, ends up not in intensive care, but in the morgue.

Video: How to live with a man who raises his hand to you?

Beating the weak - a woman, a child, an animal - is the lot of scoundrels and cowards. There are only two situations in which you can lightly forgive your loved one for a bruise under his eye: it happened accidentally (you were showing your friend the size of the caught pike and did not calculate the span of your arm) or you are passionate about martial arts and regularly ask your spouse to join you in training. Everything else is unacceptable and requires immediate response, even the most severe. Don’t wait for the situation to completely get out of control, take action to correct it or leave. There is no third.