Why does a man need a second family?

The story of Spartak Mishulin, who, as it turned out, had a parallel family for 30 years, in which a son was even born, aroused keen interest among the public. Many people wonder how a man who was considered an exemplary family man could lead a double life for so many years? And why, after all these years, he never chose between his wife and his mistress.

Why do men start a second family with children? And why in such cases do they not leave the first one? And how should legal wives react to all this?

Dealt with each other

In fact, there are plenty of examples of famous bigamists. Suffice it to recall Boris Nemtsov and Nikolai Eremenko. Mikhail Evdokimov, Gennady Khodyrev. All of them, being married, had secret families in which children grew up. The legal wives learned about this either, as in the case of Boris Nemtsov, from the mistress herself, or, as in the case of Mikhail Evdokimov and Nikolai Eremenko, after the death of their beloved husbands.

And Gennady Khodyrev’s legal wife found out about the existence of his second family, in which his daughter was growing up, after the divorce. Moreover, the former Nizhny Novgorod governor divorced not for the sake of the mother of his secret daughter, but for the sake of his young colleague.

There are plenty of similar examples in everyday life. So, my friend Irina for a long time considered herself a happy wife and mother of a charming daughter. Until she found out that her husband’s secret family lives on the next street, in which a son is growing up, almost the same age as her Tanya. During these five years, my husband periodically did not spend the night at home under the pretext of second shifts at work and business trips. Irina lived for a month, literally crushed by this information. And then she couldn’t resist and pointed to the door to her husband.

And to this day she cannot understand how it was possible - to bring money into the house, go on visits together, organize family holidays, finally confess your love... and at the same time wander around to another... Oh well, wander around - how many men have mistresses. But no, he also allowed her to give birth to a child. This means he loved her - otherwise why would he have a child with her?

However, psychologists believe that in this case a man is driven not so much by love as by a sense of duty.

– I fell in love with a woman and got married. Over the years, something has changed in the relationship. When women come to me with husbands whose mistresses they know, as a rule, it turns out that the woman does not hear the man. That is, she believes that if a ring is on your finger, then that’s it, hello, I can do whatever I want,” explains psychologist, director of the 5DA center Dmitry Seynov.

This lack of desire to listen, understand and feel a man on the part of his wife in the first place becomes the main reason why he starts a serious relationship on the side. In them he receives what he lacks in his legitimate family.

Married bachelor

Moreover, the seriousness of these very relationships primarily testifies to the decency of the man.

- That is, this is not promiscuity. If he were promiscuous, he would just walk around like crazy, have one-time relationships, change women like gloves. The fact of the matter is that for him it is a matter of consistency. In this regard, you can write that permanent responsible men most often plunge into such relationships. Just those who are considered to be exemplary family men.

But on the other hand, many people have permanent mistresses, but not everyone decides to have a common child with her. Remember how in “Autumn Marathon” the heroine of Marina Neyolova constantly asked her married man for a child, and he only looked at her reproachfully in response - they say, why are you torturing me, I already explained that this is not possible.

According to the psychologist, men who agree for their mistress to give birth to a child for them, as a rule, do so primarily out of guilt.

– After all, by and large, he himself is to blame for everything that is happening; in the end, it all happened on his own initiative. And he, as a noble man, tries to find some kind of fragile balance. He goes along with the woman’s requests for a child, because she has the truth behind her. Well, or the man is very attached to this woman, and she puts the question bluntly - there won’t be a child, we’ll end the relationship. The more conscientious a man is, the less likely he is to resist a woman’s desire to have a child, says Dmitry Seynov.

In this case, the man, as a decent person, takes responsibility and care for the children.

For example, if a boy had a very domineering mother, and his father was too weak or did not exist at all, then he develops a fear that someone will take over and suppress his own “I”. To maintain independence from his wife, a man gets a girlfriend on the side.

A man could develop fear of close relationships if his mother abandoned him as a child (like the same Spartak Mishulin. After the birth of the future actor, his mother sent him to an orphanage for some time. Perhaps this is why he developed a distrust of women, because whom he married when he was closer to 40 years old.

Most women perceive the presence of an affair with their husband on the side, and especially a family with a child, as a betrayal. And not many are ready to put up with this state of affairs.

Although there are exceptions. Valery Zolotukhin's wife Tamara endured his affair with the young actress Irina Lindt for many years, who bore him a son, Ivan, about whom the whole country knew.

My neighbor’s sister has not only tolerated her husband Victor’s secret wife for 20 years, but also works with her side by side in the same medical clinic. When ten years ago she found out that her mistress had given birth to her husband’s daughter, she wanted to throw herself out of the window. Then she thought about strangling her mistress herself. And in the end I decided to leave everything as it is.

Some women tolerate their husband's second family, reveling in their role as a victim. This rapture in one’s suffering allows one to feel one’s importance.

One of our readers, Tatyana, told how she found out that her husband had a second family and a son who was a little younger than their own.

Having difficulty digesting this news, she decided that if her husband had not yet left her, then she was dear to him. This is how they have been living for three years now. The husband pretends to be an exemplary family man, and Tatyana pretends to believe her husband’s fairy tales about business trips and overtime.

A wife is not a wall

In fact, according to experts, it is difficult to say who a man loves more in such a situation.

“This guy needs to be put into deep hypnosis, given special drugs, and then he might admit that he hasn’t loved her or anyone else for a long time.” But the condition of his wallet does not allow him to support a third, says Dmitry Seynov.

It is possible that the man maintains relationships with both women solely out of a sense of duty and guilt towards both.

In this case, he, like the same Boris Nemtsov or Gennady Khodyrev, may eventually leave both of them and start a new relationship, not burdened by the problems of the previous ones.

Some men generally sincerely believe that they love both – their wife and their mistress.

So, my friend has been torn between his wife and his mistress for three years now. Despite the fact that he also takes the latter quite seriously - he helps her do repairs, takes her mother to the dacha, etc. In a word, he takes part in her life in every possible way.

In the heat of surging frankness, he shared that he had become attached to both of them. And he feels sorry for both of them, and he also cannot make a choice in favor of one of them. " Believe me, I need both of them. Each of them is a huge piece of my life and soul. They are both dear to me", he explained to me.

The psychologist believes that in this case he is not being disingenuous.

– You see, blind love is not love, it is passion. And so we usually love for something. He loves one woman for some things, another for others. We often confuse love with affection and gratitude. Well, if people lived together for a long time and she gave birth to a child, he is grateful to her for this, they got used to each other, they become kindred spirits. Of course he will think that he loves her. It's the same with a mistress.

Spartak's wife Mishulina, having learned that her husband had essentially been deceiving her all these years, refused to believe it and accused the actor's secret son of lying. It is possible to understand it, but not everyone can recognize such a truth.

But despite the nightmare of the situation, she is at least spared the need to share her husband with another woman. For most representatives of the fairer sex, this is a very painful story.

Some, having learned about the existence of another family with their husband, put the question bluntly - either me or her. Others prohibit seeing an illegitimate child. Still others try to accept the situation, despite the pain. Which of these behaviors is the most correct?

“If a wife threatens her husband with divorce, puts him before a choice - either I will divorce you, or you will leave her, you must be prepared for the fact that the threat will have to be carried out,” warns the psychologist. “She said we need to act.” It may be painful, unpleasant, but still. If you are not ready for divorce, then do not wave your sword in vain. So, try to come to terms with and accept this situation as a given. Moreover, in no case should you be prohibited from seeing that child, because he is not guilty of anything.

Some women might be ready to accept the existence of a second family with their husband, but they are prevented from doing so by fear of public opinion, which insists that to forgive such things means not to respect oneself.

“Well, in this case, let the woman choose what is more valuable to her, public opinion or a specific man,” says the psychologist.

Ideally, it is better from the very beginning to try to maintain a psychological connection with your husband, to be interested in what is happening in his soul. And, perhaps, then, he simply will not have the need for a secret family.

Nella PRIBUTKOVSKAYA

Some men live in two families. Here are some stories told by unfaithful husbands about what it's like to live in two families at the same time.

There are several reasons why men begin to think about a second family. All these reasons can be easily neutralized by working on what interferes with normal happiness in marriage.

Living for two families is expensive

Denis, 38 years old:“I’ll say right away that a man who has problems with money or doesn’t have enough money cannot live on two families. I have a decent income, so I can afford it. I don’t really enjoy lying to my wife, but she doesn’t really ask why or where I disappear, because she knows that I’m a busy person and my business takes a lot of time. I lie about frequent business trips and can go to another city to visit my second “wife.” She is expecting a child now. I have a principle - not to leave my children. That is why I did not leave my mistress, making her my second wife. It’s very difficult to live like this, but I’m lucky that my legal wife doesn’t worry about where I am and what I’m doing, and the second one isn’t jealous of the first one.”

Psychologists and relationship experts note that living in parallel relationships is often really quite costly. It's not the same as having a lover and a family. Two families mean double expenses, especially if both families have children who you want to give a good future to.

How to find a way out of such a situation

Kirill, 41 years old: “My problem is that both families have no idea. It would be much easier to admit to my mistress that I myself have a wife and child. But I can't do it. I'm afraid I'll lose two families at once. On the other hand, I clearly and clearly understand that sooner or later a choice will have to be made, because such a life is very exhausting. You are constantly forced to lie, often getting confused in your own lies. I’m almost sure that my legal wife suspects something, so I will have to make a choice, but I don’t know how, so I regret that everything turned out this way.”

In the case of parallel families, a man needs to admit to the second family that he is married. This will be the best thing to do. Psychologists note that the sooner he does this, the better it will be for everyone. This is especially true when both families have children. You cannot live on two fronts, because this is not a full life. Even if a man is comfortable, it is still wrong, because children and beloved women suffer.

When living for two families is justified

Vasily, 30 years old: “I got married early - at 21. My wife and I lived for seven long years, after which we realized that we weren’t quite right for each other. We are both afraid of loneliness - especially she. Moreover, we have a common child who we don’t want to leave without a mom or dad. We found another way out. She has other men, and I have a whole family. It turned out that I fell in love with a colleague who has a daughter. I immediately explained to her what the matter was and what our relationship could become. She doesn’t mind because she also respects freedom, so for her and her daughter I’m like a family friend with whom they periodically spend time. I love her very much and I feel comfortable with her, and my wife and I no longer quarrel, because we have an open and understandable relationship of a free type.”

Psychologists note that in the case when everyone knows everything, living in two families is justified. There is no need to waste your nerves and deceive someone. This is a wonderful way to maintain the appearance of a family for a child who does not want to be traumatized by a divorce. If a couple comes to such an agreement, then the emergence of a second family that does not interfere with the well-being of the first is an acceptable outcome.

How to prevent living in two families

Everyone has problems in relationships. It’s enough just to talk about it and not be afraid to open your heart and soul to each other. Honesty and sincerity help to avoid unnecessary betrayal and deception. In one hundred percent of cases, it is better to immediately decide how the family will cope with a particular problem.

Family happiness is a fragile concept that can easily be destroyed by a wrong word, action or lie. Often, many women tend to suspect their husband of cheating, but how to determine whether this is really so or is it just a figment of the imagination?

My husband has a second family - words that sound like a bolt from the blue for every woman. Having learned about the existence of a rival, many give up, fall into depression, or start a fierce war without warning. What to do is everyone’s choice, however, before you begin to act, you need to make sure that your suspicions are not speculation. In most cases, women learn about their second family in the following way:

1. A call from a mistress - a woman is also fighting for her happiness, trying to destroy her family. You may receive a call, an SMS message on your phone, or they may send you a photo of your betrothed in the arms of another.
2. SMS messages – correspondence with the second wife on the husband’s phone. Correspondence can also be on social networks.
3. Chance meeting (I saw my husband on the street with his mistress).
4. A man’s confession is a rare case when a man himself admits to the existence of a second woman.
5. Traces of “love” - a lipstick mark on a collar, on a cheek, scratches, lingerie in a pocket, a postcard with someone else’s name, etc. If a man does not have a certain accuracy, then, most likely, after some time you will definitely notice traces of the existence of your mistress.

Stories of real women

There are many stories about how women find out about the existence of a second family with their man. Someone forgives the traitor, someone throws him out of the house in disgrace, and someone suffers for years and does not know what to do. In any case, each of them suffered enormous stress, but still did not give up and decided, at all costs, to find out the whole truth.

Larisa, 35 years old, accountant

Two years ago, I found out that my beloved husband had a second family. I am not one of the jealous women who follow their partners everywhere, read messages on social networks and phones. No, I'm used to trusting. I can say that my trust ruined me. Now, after several years, I understand that there were alarm bells in the form of frequent business trips, constant meetings at work and night calls from unknown colleagues, but then everything suited me. And so, once again, my husband left on a “business trip”, I was getting ready to have dinner. Suddenly I received a call on my phone from an unknown number, I picked up the phone. The woman spoke. The whole conversation was in a fog, I remember that she said that she had been living with my V. for three years and now they were expecting a baby. She asked them to step back and not ruin their happiness. For a long time I could not believe what I heard. I was waiting for my husband. Three days later he returned, and I asked him directly. Surprisingly, he didn't lie. He said that he had long wanted to confess, but did not know how. I was shocked by what I heard. I still can’t forgive. After all, I gave so many years to our marriage, and he just took it and trampled everything.

Elena, 50 years old, cashier

It would seem like a strong marriage. More than 20 years together. I was 100% confident in him. As it turned out, it was in vain. We have two adult children, a big comfortable house, everything was fine. I didn’t see any prerequisites for the appearance of a mistress. Of course, over the many years of living together, a lot went through - jealousy, scandals, and tears, but we overcame all the troubles. My husband spent every weekend at home, went on business trips once every two or three months, and always came home after work. I didn’t have any suspicions that there was another woman. I found out about the second family by accident. I was leaving the store; my husband, as he told me, was at work. And suddenly, on the other side of the street, I notice a familiar coat. I was happy, I thought he was preparing a surprise for me. But suddenly, a young lady with a child came out of the café building where my “betrothed” was standing. And guess who she approached? That's right, to my husband. They kissed and went somewhere. At home, a scandal awaited him with everyone around him. It was hard, long conversations, tears, explanations. For several months, a series of incessant apologies and late-night conversations in the kitchen dragged on. In the end, I decided to forgive. Still, we've been together for so many years. Now my husband is behaving perfectly, carrying her in his arms and caring for her. A second youth began, but still a residue remained.

Anna, 42 years old, assistant director

I can’t say that the relationship with my husband has always been ideal. They often fought, quarreled, wanted to divorce several times, but still made peace. Probably the children stopped him. I didn't want to be a single mother. I had long suspected that my husband was having an affair. I can’t say that I’m ugly or unkempt, no, I have more than enough fans. However, apparently he was missing something. I turned a blind eye to his lateness, night shifts and lipstick on his collar. She pretended to be a naive girl who believed every word he said. This went on for a year, until one day my friend came to me. It turns out she saw a long-legged blonde getting into his car, and judging by their passionate kiss, this is not just a colleague. That day I finally had to open my eyes and stop pretending. My husband and I divorced, now both are happy in their new relationship. We maintain friendly contact with each other. I don't hold any grudges.

Marina, 27 years old, housewife

My ex-husband wants to live in two families. I learned about this from him. We were only married for 5 years. This is not a good time for family life. Happiness overflowed, as I thought. We thought about children and built a country house. Everything went as usual until one evening my husband ruined our happiness. He came home with flowers and champagne and said that there was a conversation. I thought that it was probably a good reason, since I was so prepared. It turned out not. After a glass of champagne, my husband told me that he had met a beautiful girl and loved her with all his soul. But here’s the dilemma - he loves me too. He suggested that everyone live together or alternately - a week with her, a week with me. She kicked him out the door with the bags without hearing all his plans for the future. I don't regret anything.

There are a great many similar stories - some tell themselves about their “adventures”, others are caught red-handed. Of course, you can guess about the second family on your own - friends, colleagues, and relatives can tell you about this fact. In addition, it is quite easy to notice that money has begun to leak out of the family budget.

If your husband has changed, has become less likely to be at home, takes better care of himself, disappears from work, and has stopped paying attention to you as a woman, you should start sounding the alarm.

Second family - forgive or divorce?

After you find out that your husband has a second family and a child from another, you need to start taking action. Remember, inaction is also your choice.

Advice! Don't chop rashly. Let your emotions subside a little, calm down, and only then start a conversation. Screaming, mutual reproaches, a scandal will not allow you to understand the reasons for what happened.

Intimate talk

How to properly talk to your husband about this rather sensitive topic? The issue is complex and requires increased attention. So, a heart-to-heart conversation should be based on several rules:

• Calm down, don't be nervous. The conversation should take place in a calm atmosphere. Avoid yelling and blaming.
• Ask your husband what he missed in your family life.
• Try not to get emotional - be cold and reserved.
• Try to listen to all the arguments the man will give
• Don't jump to conclusions right away. You will need some time to make a final decision.

Attention! Never compare yourself to your new lover. You risk getting a lot of unjustified complexes. For example, her legs are slimmer than mine. Or the breasts are more magnificent, etc. Remember, a man is looking on the outside for what he lacks at home. Therefore, it is important to listen to all the wishes of your spouse in a timely manner. For example, experiments in bed, a new haircut, clothing style, etc.

Divorce or forgiveness?

After all the arguments and explanations have been heard, the moment comes that determines everything. A woman must decide whether she forgives her husband or files for divorce. In both cases, you need to act according to the situation - listen to your inner feelings and honestly answer the following questions:

• Can you forgive a person?
• Won't you remind him of what happened every time you quarrel?
• Will you be tormented by jealousy and thoughts that the situation will repeat itself again?

It is important that you clearly understand that you have an uphill battle with your inner self, which will constantly remind you that your loved one has betrayed you.

Many resolve the issue towards reconciliation, solely because of the desire to preserve the family for the children. Some people are able to forget over time the mistake of their significant other, others are not. In any case, if you are in doubt, you should try to give the person a second chance.

Work on mistakes

To ensure that a similar situation does not happen again, it is necessary to work on the mistakes.

• Listen to your spouse’s wishes (appearance, sex life, leisure time, etc.)
• Talk – don’t hush up your dissatisfaction, problems or complaints. Discuss everything in a calm manner, without shouting or insisting on anything. It is important that you learn to hear each other.
• Do not remind a man of his mistake - otherwise you risk repeating the situation.

If you want to return your former passion and feelings, do not get carried away. Remember that you are also a living person and you have your own fears, desires, dreams. Talk with your partner, define the boundaries of what is permitted clearly and very clearly. For example, okay, dear, you will go fishing this weekend if today we spend the whole day together. Don’t be afraid to seem like a blackmailer - you have every right to do so.

Advice! If you intend to save your family, try to look at the situation from your spouse's point of view. Perhaps you yourself became the cause of the betrayal. Very often, men leave their wives due to frequent scandals, increased jealousy, and inappropriate behavior.

Me or her

When confronting a man with the choice “Me or her,” you must be prepared for the fact that he will not choose you. However, sooner or later, in any case, you will come to this question. Of course, unless you are ready to put up with the state of things for years.

A game like this, in which both women know about each other's existence, can go on for quite a long time. Until one of the rivals gets bored.

Bigot - I want to have two families

But what if the husband himself wants to live for two families and his choice is conscious and fully satisfies his life needs? In this case, the woman decides everything.

Reconciliation or rupture?

Answering the question of what to do - reconcile or divorce, we can say that there are only two options for the development of the situation.

1. Humility. You continue to live with your husband, knowing that he has another woman. Remember, this is your choice too, so reproaching him won’t work every time. Not everyone is ready to wait for her spouse, knowing that at that time he is in the arms of another.
2. Divorce. A second wife is the prerogative of Eastern men. For them it is natural, which cannot be said about our mentality. By deciding to divorce, you will start a new life, without regard to betrayal.

Advice! If you have forgiven a man and accepted him back, never remind him of what happened. At every opportunity, do not reproach him for cheating on you and starting a second family. This can make it difficult to restore the relationship. Try to start over from scratch.

Children in a second family: what to do?

If your husband managed not only to have a second wife, but also to give birth to children, the question becomes more acute. The child’s psyche is not ready for such information, therefore all proceedings and clarification of relationships should take place in the maximum ignorance for the child.

1. If you decide to forgive your spouse, you need to establish contact with his child. Do not forbid them to see each other, invite the baby to visit, give gifts for the holidays. Remember, the child is not to blame for the current situation.
2. During a divorce, everything is much simpler; having a child in a second family will only speed up the process.

It is important to follow the following rules:

• Never reproach his father in front of a child
• Don't say that your child's mother ruined your happiness
• Do not turn your child against his parents (your spouse)
• Try to make friends with him
• Don't forbid them to see each other
• Accept that having a child cannot be changed in any way. You just have to accept this fact.
• Try to explain as gently as possible the fact that dad loves him, and the fact that he (dad) lives with you will not affect their communication in any way.

My husband has a second family - advice from a psychologist can help desperate women in this situation.

• Make an informed decision. Answer the question for yourself - what is the foundation of your relationship. If love, then the choice in favor of divorce is obvious. If you have material wealth, then you can forgive betrayal quite easily.
• Don’t blame yourself for what happened – it won’t lead to anything good other than depression.
• Make a list of your spouse's positive and negative qualities to help you make a decision. Remember everything that doesn’t suit you, what you like in family life, what you are offended by or what you are grateful to your spouse for.
• Take a break. Find a new hobby, go to the sea, take a vacation. Get your thoughts in order. It is possible that your love has long passed and nothing but the habit of being around is holding you back.
• If you decide to forgive your husband, do not gnaw yourself from the inside, do not compare and do not think about your rival as an ideal woman. Work on your self-esteem and appearance.
• Don't hold grudges to yourself. Share your experiences with a loved one.
• Delete shared photos, remove from your home everything that reminds you of your former family life.

In order to survive the betrayal of your husband, it will take a lot of effort. Don’t wash your dirty linen in public, don’t tell everyone about what happened. Trust someone alone, cry, talk about your pain, complain. You shouldn’t keep anger to yourself, because it can cause many diseases.

Regardless of what decision you make - to forgive or divorce, you will have to start life from scratch. Leave all grievances and fears in the past, start living according to your desires, find a new hobby and you will see how the world around you transforms.

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We are talking about this with psychologist ANETTA ORLOVA.

Anetta, what kind of women decide to have an affair with a married man?

Today, many women cannot arrange their personal lives, so they easily agree to a relationship with a married man. Over time, this relationship can move from the stage of entertainment to the stage of serious affection. People find themselves in a situation of complex dependence on each other. If a man is rich and has a lot of free resources, he can make sure that the first wife is provided with everything, and the second wife is happy.

This situation is normal from the economic side, but traumatic from the moral side. Now we have more and more men who live in two families. They present their facade to society, but this “building” has both a “secret room” hidden from view and a back door.

Often mistresses give birth to children. So they hope to tie the man to themselves even more, to take him away from his first family?

Everything happens in different ways, because children are the natural fruit of love. It happens that a woman is pressed by age if she is over 35 years old. She meets a man she likes and thinks, “Why not?” - because he wants to fulfill his mission and give birth to a child. Men react differently to illegitimate children. Many take a principled position: “If I have a child, I will support him and take care of him.” A woman who gave birth to a child is no longer perceived as a friend.

Relations with her move to a more serious level.

If a mistress understands that a man will never leave his first family, she behaves wisely and cunningly - she does not invade the territory of a façade marriage. So there are more bonuses for her. I know stories where a wife found out about the existence of a mistress with a child only at her husband’s funeral.

What pushes a man to live in two families?

In my book “The Fears of Real Men,” I write about what men are afraid of. One of the most important experiences is the fear of being on the bench in big sex. This is traumatic for a man. With his wife, with whom he lived for 20 years, the passion had already subsided. They have gone through all the phases, raised children and are living in the “empty nest” stage. And so the man thinks: “But I’m still young!” - and begins to seek confirmation of his sexuality - with another, younger woman. Sometimes such activity has a detrimental effect on health, because it begins to live at maximum speed. But often a new family makes a man happier if in his first marriage the emotional connection with his wife was long lost or the relationship with the children was poor.

A new woman gives both emotional and sexual warmth, and this greatly brightens life.

What other motives push married men to look for a new woman?

If a man can be classified as a Proud Man, then for him a woman is an attribute of his success and status in society. If his wife begins to age, lose ground, and his friends and partners have young wives or mistresses, the Proud Man will also get a girlfriend - it is important for him to demonstrate that he can afford it. If a man is Henpecked, then there is such a story: he lived 20 years in his marriage, and suddenly a woman came into his field of vision who treated him with more respect and interest than his wife. He understands that he has his own self, his own opinion. Everything that has been suppressed for many years gives an unprecedented emotional explosion, and he leaves the family to spread his wings and feel himself in a new status.

If a man is a Warrior type, an atmosphere of boredom and stagnation in marriage is unacceptable for him. If the wife has stopped developing and turned into a gray hen, then the Warrior will go in search of a new queen who needs to be conquered.

If he meets a new woman, he will not leave his first family, because he will not want to give up what he conquered before and considers his own. And, most likely, he will live in two houses.

Is it possible to somehow resolve this situation so that everyone feels good?

It can't be good for everyone. It’s not for nothing that these situations are called triangles of suffering. The one who has two partners feels most comfortable.

Although he also lives with a feeling of guilt. Still, the relationship between the two partners is more harmonious.

When they lack something, surrogate substitutions arise. The paradox is that such a marriage often relies on a third person and is even prolonged due to this.

How does the struggle for a man go in the triangle of suffering?

One of the popular scenarios is that a mistress makes sure that her wife finds out about her. At this moment, the wife experiences terrible shock, aggression, and a conflict arises in the family when the man is kicked out of the house.

He has no choice but to go live with his mistress.

That's what she's waiting for. It happens that a man immediately stipulates the rules of the game and prohibits his mistress from invading his family life. If he has a good relationship with his wife and children, it is much more difficult to take him away from the family. In general, one of the best ways to preserve a marriage relationship is through jointly acquired property. This is more reliable than all psychological attachments.

If the spouses have a joint house, which he has been building for many years, then the thought of divorce and division of property is unbearable for him. And he will take care of the facade, not wanting to lose what he has been building for years.

What advice can you give to wives who want to save a façade marriage?

Do not kick your husband out of the house in a fit of passion. If your mistress told you about her existence, do not fall for the provocation. This means that the husband does not leave on his own and they want to push him. If you feel that your husband's attention is leaving, there is no need to pursue him. Take care of yourself, stay in shape, find a new hobby to be interesting to your husband. If a man decides to leave the family, invite him to take your child with him.

This will cause sharp rejection on the part of your mistress and will sober up your husband a little.

Almost all marriages go through a “turbulence zone.” Cheating is one of the most common causes of family breakdown. The most popular question on the Internet is: “How to seduce a man?” There is an interesting statistic: out of four men who left their family, three regret it, and two make attempts to return. So don’t rush to let your husband go and run to get a divorce. Better think about how to breathe new life into your façade marriage.

REFERENCE

Anetta Orlova is a famous psychologist who conducts trainings “Harmony of Long-Term Relationships” and “Secrets of Female Magnetism.” Heads the Academy of Personal Attractiveness. Author of the book “The Fears of Real Men.”

Fatal« Kiss» Rodin

At the age of 17, aspiring sculptor Camille Claudel met master Auguste Rodin. She became his assistant, student, model and lover. The affair lasted for many years, and all this time Rodin lived in two houses: for his soul and creativity he had Camilla, and for family comfort - his wife Rose Bere, the mother of his son. He was not going to part with any of them.

When Camilla turned 30, she began to experience depression. She had neither family nor orders.

And then the aged Rodin returned to Rose. Camilla survived him by 25 years and ended her life in 1946 in poverty and obscurity in a psychiatric clinic.

Only after her death she gained fame as a genius.

We are live wires

He fell in love with her when he saw her, barefoot and unkempt, washing the floor on the veranda.

And he took it from a friend, pianist Heinrich Neuhaus. Boris Pasternak was happy: in the person of Zinaida Nikolaevna Neuhaus, he found not only a muse, but also a wonderful hostess who knew how to create comfort. The family idyll lasted 10 years, then the poet became bored, retreated into himself, and in 1946 a new muse, Olga Ivinskaya, appeared in his life. At that time, the fatal beauty was 34 years old, and the poet was 56 years old. Pasternak confronted the family with a fact: “I will live where I like.”

Their romance lasted for 14 long years - until Pasternak’s death.

Loneliness Lady Di

Her family life began like a fairy tale, because on June 29, 1981 she married a real prince. Alas, at that time the heart of Prince Charles already belonged to the homewrecker - the woman of his life, Camilla Parker Bowles. And almost from the very first days, Princess Diana was the odd one out in this painful triangle for everyone. Lady Di tried to win her husband's love, gave birth to his beautiful sons William and Harry, and became prettier as a woman. But she was never able to build a happy family.

All she could do was present a facade of marriage to society.

Lady Di sought solace in social activities, social life and love interests. She was called the queen of hearts and one of the most elegant beauties in the world.

Charles and Diana divorced in 1996, and a year later she died in a car accident.

Iron Arnie's Infidelity

The Terminator Governor is used to achieving success in cinema, in politics, and in his personal life. In 1986, he married journalist Maria Shriver from the Kennedy clan. The couple had four children. For a long time, Arnold Schwarzenegger had a reputation as an exemplary family man, which was important to California voters. And suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, the news spreads that Arnie has a 10-year-old illegitimate son - from Mildred Patricia Baena, who worked as a housekeeper for the governor.

Angry Maria Shriver decided to divorce her unfaithful husband and started divorce proceedings. True, there are rumors that the couple recently decided to save the family.

A woman is abandoned by her husband... Let's not lament why and for what, let's not look for the guilty and extreme, let's not fantasize...

The woman is afraid that the man will be happy without her. Opinion on how bigamists appear in the country

A woman is abandoned by her husband... Let's not lament why and for what, let's not look for the guilty and extreme, let's not fantasize about what would have happened if...

De facto, there are two typical scenarios:

1) Hasta la vista, baby. They divided the property, sorted out child custody, and everyone went their own way. Maybe they maintained friendly relations. Maybe even a little nostalgia. Or maybe they parted ways like ships at sea.

2) I'll be back. The prodigal husband returns to his old family, and everyone is still waiting for him. In a month, in a year or even in a few years. Where and to whom he went, why and what he was looking for does not matter. It is important that there is a desire and opportunity to give the relationship a second chance.

What if your husband, like Schrödinger’s cat, doesn’t seem to have left completely, but is no longer with you?

In one family the following situation arose: after the husband was caught in treason, a decision was made to separate, that is, he still left. Naturally, for the living space of a mistress who, as an unmarried, childless woman, welcomed this option in the hope that it would bring the moment closer when she, too, would receive her well-deserved piece of female happiness.

But then the following became clear: no one wants to get a divorce.

The wife, let's call her Ira, does not want to get a divorce, because she suddenly realized how much she loves her husband, so she is ready to forgive and forget everything, just to return to the old times. The former - in the sense without mistresses and betrayals.

But the husband didn’t understand anything, it’s just that divorce was never part of his plans, so when the passions subsided, he began to behave like an exemplary family man: helping with the housework every day, going shopping together on weekends, in general, a real idyll.

But with one small caveat: My husband doesn't spend the night at home.

I hope you see the contradiction: Ira has an official family-oriented husband without quarrels and scandals, but she does not feel happy because he lives in the house of another woman, who, by the way, also has almost everything: her beloved man has dinner and spends the night with her, but there is no complete happiness, I don't think she's feeling it.

The women simply swapped places, and as you know, changing the places of the terms does not change the sum.

The only one who is happy and content in this situation is the husband. He received an accommodating wife, who was afraid of the divorce and stopped arguing about his infidelities, and his mistress received the illusion of the development of the relationship and, most likely, became more supportive.

So we can’t count on our bigamist himself to break off relations with one of them. And both women are so afraid to look into a closed box that they prefer to live with a sense of faith in a living and dead cat at the same time.

Their premonition does not deceive them. What they see in the box will not please both of them: he does not love either of them.

Such a clear tendency towards unauthorized bigamy suggests that the object of their female competition is a selfish, calculating and selfish person, and he will, without regret, leave either of them or both of them as soon as something no longer suits him, and feelings will not matter here how.

Anything can happen in life. After all, this is how Mormon sister wives or Muslim wives live in a harem.

But the whole problem is that Ira does not live, but suffers. From jealousy, from resentment, from frustration, from anger, from despair and from inaction. Had she accepted a polygamous relationship or filed for divorce, there would have been nothing to discuss.

This situation made me think that sometimes the decision to break up can be difficult and unbearable, as a decision to amputate a leg due to gangrene.

For a woman, a relationship that does not suit her, but she is afraid to break it off, is full of melancholy.

In this case, a phenomenon akin to alcoholic codependency is observed, when the perception of the surrounding environment is completely distorted, so it is likely that the woman does not even see what psychological hell she lives in.

L.N. Tolstoy argued that “every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” I would like to make a clarification here: all unhappy women are equally unhappy, and their attempts to improve and fix everything are always similar, regardless of the problem.

And, of course, everyone equally thinks from time to time that it’s time to give up everything, but women hesitate, doubt, believe that they have to wait and be patient.

The harsh truth is that gangrene cannot be cured, and husbands do not change.

Typical female fears that help a woman cling to her dreams and prevent her from acting decisively

“What about the children?”

Of course, I feel sorry for the children.

Unfortunately, women rarely think of children as individuals with the right to their own feelings.

In a state close to depression, unhappy wives often turn children into a tool of manipulation or a means of psychological compensation.

Worries about “how a child will live without a father” are full of slyness, because in unhappy families, as a rule, the child sees his father less often than he would like.

I believe that when thinking about children, a woman should control the following manifestations of her nature:

1) Maternal egoism.“I endure for the sake of the children, I cannot deprive the child of his father, etc.” - this is hypertrophied maternal responsibility on the verge of selfishness.

A woman cannot be responsible for whether a child has a father or not, because there are no circumstances that would prevent a man from being a father if he wants to be one, and there are no circumstances that would prevent a man from being a father if he doesn't want to.

Women flatter themselves very much when they think that it depends only on them whether the child will have a father as a role model.

Men are great at solving this issue themselves, and there is no need to take on the function of an intermediary in communication between father and child.

As one of my close friends says, there is no need to help a man communicate with children: he can screw up himself.

So it is better to focus on whether the child will have a worthy role model of a woman and mother before his eyes: healthy emotionally and physically, caring and attentive, but at the same time restrained and self-confident, firm in his demands and consistent.

A mother who doesn't lash out at him, doesn't yell hysterically because she's in a bad mood, doesn't forget to cook dinner or wash clothes because she was crying and wondering where her husband hangs out at night.

2) Maternal blackmail. When a woman feels her marriage is falling apart, she needs tools in the righteous fight to mend the broken, hold on to the uncontrollable, and control the uncontrollable.

If money has nothing to do with it, then the only tool in the ruthless battle for women’s happiness is the child.

The heroine of our story wants to keep her husband, so every day she comes up with new assignments related to fatherly care for her son.

Maybe the husband who ran away to his mistress would have taken care of the child even without outside instructions, we don’t know for sure.

In any case, there is nothing wrong with a father communicating with his son.

The bad thing is that Irina pulls the child out of the usual routine of life in order, under the pretext of another errand, to see her husband, because it seems to her that this will change something for her personally.

It would be more reasonable to protect the child from this useless war, rather than send him to the front line.

If you make an effort to spend as much interesting and entertaining time with your son as possible, instead of racking your brain over how else you can use the boy to inadvertently catch the eye of your husband, then at least one relationship in this woman’s life can still be saved .

3) Maternity compensation. In addition to the tools to fight for happiness, a deceived woman needs support for a new breakthrough in life. Sometimes children can become such a support in a positive sense.

But when a woman begins to hold on to a child, like a drowning man holding on to a straw, afraid to be left alone with his thoughts, the little person turns into a pet who should always be at hand, so it’s about raising an independent, strong personality, capable of making decisions, no longer works.

All efforts are devoted to preserving the psychological health of the mother, and the child is simply sacrificed, like a lamb to the slaughter.

A woman needs to remember that life balance, lost as a result of problems with her husband, should be sought not in children, but within herself.

“How will he live without me?”

I was once asked if I knew examples of life stories when a man left his family for a young woman, and then complained that he was unhappy with his new wife.

At first I perked up, because I really know a lot of such stories.

But the more I thought about it, the less my examples seemed relevant to me, because all these stories were retold by ex-wives triumphant with gloating from the words of their ex-husbands, who dropped by for a visit and could not think of anything better than to complain to their ex about your current one.

Can such stories be believed? You can't believe it. After all, what else can an ex-husband talk about? About the fact that he and his new young wife had exceptional sex yesterday?

Of course, as in any marriage, problems arise that someone wants to cry about. Why not tell your ex-wife everything?

You can immediately kill two birds with one stone: cry into your vest and flatter your ex, and she, you see, will get emotional and will think less about alimony.

So what is a woman really afraid of when she thinks that her man will be lost without her? The woman is afraid that he will be happy without her.

I’m going to say something for which my gender comrades can kick me on the street, but a woman often prefers to suffer in a relationship that does not suit her and will never suit her, than even hypothetically allow a situation where after a divorce she will be left alone , and he will marry again, have new children and forget what her name was.

There is only one way out: I feel bad, but I not only won’t leave, I will still fight for us, because only when I’m around can I be sure that your life will also be ruined. The Count of Monte Cristo smokes nervously in the corridor.

If he feels good somewhere without you, but feels bad with you, by and large you can’t do anything about it except be happy for him and wish him good luck.

And it is much simpler than it might seem at first glance.

I know many women who, after a divorce, began to feel happier and even look better than in their marriage.

Whatever they say, the secret of a fresh, attractive female appearance is not only in care and proper nutrition, but also in healthy, sound sleep, emotional stability and inner peace, which a married woman may lack if she has to pull on herself the burden of dysfunctional relationships.

“How will I live without him?”

But this is, in principle, a good question if you answer it correctly.

If the main character of Woody Allen's film Jasmine had asked herself this question in time and then answered it correctly, she would have thought ten times before turning her husband, a multimillionaire fraudster, over to the FBI.

That is, she actually sawed off the branch on which she was sitting, and then slowly went crazy because she could not digest the reality that had fallen on her.

The difficulty with this issue is that For a woman, marriage often becomes the peak of her career.

Let’s say a woman got married, then spent a long time on maternity leave, giving birth to three children in a row, and then there was no point in going to work, because her qualifications were lost, her skills were forgotten, but she has no regrets, because she succeeded as a housewife, She has a wonderful, cozy home, good children and a worthy husband who can afford a large family with a non-working wife.

Can you imagine a woman’s dilemma if one day such a husband wants to constantly spend the night with his mistress?

It’s good if, in the event of a divorce, there is a marriage contract that will protect the rights of a woman deceived in her expectations, the property is registered in the name of both spouses, and the husband’s income is official and stable, so there will be no problems with calculating an adequate amount of alimony.

Unfortunately, in our country, women rarely think about such things, rushing to “get married”, and then after ten to twenty years of marriage they realize that they have no plan B.

But a housewife who is stuck in an unhappy marriage and is forced to turn a blind eye to male infidelities, drunkenness or humiliating tyranny, because to the question “how will I live without him?”, despite her emotional distress, she can answer quite honestly, soberly and judiciously: this is not our case.

The heroine of our story asks herself this question in vain and answers it incorrectly.

When a healthy, self-sufficient woman who has a quality education, a well-paid job, her own home, a family ready to support her, understanding friends and friendly colleagues, begins to be afraid of loneliness, it’s like suddenly starting to be seriously afraid of the third world war or the explosion of a nuclear power plant in Ostrovets: theoretically there is such a danger, but this is not a reason to move to a bomb shelter.

What if this is love? I'll never believe it.

Love is a mature feeling that makes a person more selfless and wiser.

I think that our heroine is driven more by infantilism and spoilage. Just as a small child who does not receive the desired toy begins to cry, fall on the floor in a department store and fight in hysterics, so a wealthy beautiful woman, who has never known rejection from loving parents, from men and from fate, cries at night, rages and goes to a psychologist, because for the first time in her life she didn’t get what she wanted and couldn’t accept what was happening to her.

I in no way promote divorce. On the contrary: I believe that you cannot give in to problems and you need to fight for your happiness.

But the key word here is “happiness”, and we must fight for it.

In many cases, this struggle comes down to having to cope with yourself, your own fears and insecurities, having to grow up and change, and this is much more difficult than hiding from reality in girlish fantasies.

Parting is not a fiasco in life and not a collapse of hopes, it is the only sure way to look into your closed box.

Yes, it’s painful and unpleasant, but it’s better to find out in time that your marriage is dead than to wait until your nose starts to get stuffy from the cadaverous smell in the apartment. published .

Elena Radion

If you have any questions, please ask

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet