Good day! To begin with, right now I'm tearing the roof to the fullest. I'm 25, she's 22. We dated a girl for 5 years, and then a month ago, we broke up, the words sounded like a bolt from the blue. I'm telling a story.
In June 2013, we had a fight because she graduated from the university, and she wanted to go to a foreign country to relax, at that moment, I quit my job, switched to a new one and threw it away, there was a complete zero for money, I took a loan for her sake, We went to rest, Then it started.
In September, reproaches began that I was a miser, we didn’t go anywhere, I didn’t need anything, etc. Yes, there was a jamb on my side, but I worked at 2 jobs to close the loan. I didn’t want to go anywhere, I came home from work and stupidly went to bed. Sometimes we went to cafes with her, we spent all the free money on entertainment.
In November, we went to choose a ring with her, because we wanted to apply to the registry office in January, I was thinking of proposing to her for our 5 years. But then it seemed to be changed.
She said that she doesn’t want to get married yet, arguing that she has nowhere to live except with her parents, she doesn’t want to rent an apartment, or rather she doesn’t want to live there, she needs her own apartment, period. Possessing the talents of a negotiator, we agreed that we would apply to the registry office and take a mortgage, I went through all the banks about the mortgage. Everywhere they refused because of her work (she works under a fixed-term contract with a salary of 3 tr from 8 to 20 hours).
Why did we have a very strong fight here, that people are counting on her, that she cannot quit yet and she likes to teach foreign language, for 2 weeks neither by ear nor by spirit.
on December 15, somehow reconciled and everything was fine. the new year was approaching. January 1 was traditionally celebrated with parents, and then went to friends, and this is where the story begins.
I didn't like the company right away. There were her friends with guys and their friends. All of them are 20 years old. They stayed at home all evening because of one idiot, because he was jealous of everyone, in the end I just got up and said that we were leaving. They left and everything seems to be normal.
On January 3, one of that company is added to her VK. they start talking. It pissed me off and I made an ultatum or she deletes it either. She ended up sending me. was silent for a day. On January 12, she allegedly said that she went to the rink with her friends, and there were my friends who know my girlfriend and told me that she was there with some guy and a friend with a guy.
I gave her arguments, began to understand, she was like, I just walked in the company. hacked her VK, and read everything. in the end, he sticks to her specifically, she can’t say no to him, her friend sat down on her ears, says that I’m old, I need to meet young people, etc ..
As a result, she says that she is tired of me and says that she has no feelings for me and leaves me. She walks with it every weekend, ignores me. I waited a week, agreed to a meeting, seriously explained the situation as I see it, and she answered me that she wanted to be alone, to walk with whom she wanted, when and where she wanted. I suggested to her that we take a break for a week and think about it and prepare for the wedding.
A week has passed, she already says that it's all over, she doesn't like me as a man and doesn't see me as her husband. Enraged everything came yelled that the situation got to the root and I say let's put an end to the relationship. Offered to remain friends after 5 years of relationship. I answered her either together or parting. This evening we did not put an end to our relationship.
But she continues to walk with that mu ***, she learned everything about him. 20 years old, kicked out of the university, after the army, works in the Ministry of Emergencies as a sergeant. Again he hacked her VK page, atam her girlfriend is pissed in her ears, what a wonderful taste she has that she chose a young, slender, (I’m 94 and fat), a military man and the fact that he always needs to go somewhere to have fun. We met again, I say do not listen to your girlfriend, but listen to your heart. She said that she has feelings, but she does not know what is happening to her. I give time to time, and still she continues to walk with that. I scored on the whole situation and disappeared from her field of vision.
I started calling, writing to the post office, to VK, although I deleted her from there, I began to communicate carefully, from afar, I call her for a walk, she agrees, but on the trail. day she calls and says that everything is over with us and there is no need to start all over again. I tell her so give the final point in the relationship once and for all, to which she begins to sob and withdraws into herself.
Yesterday, her parents called me and asked why she didn’t come to her father’s D.R., I told the truth, and they started to get hysterical because they love me .. and I found out what she told her parents when I didn’t come to them in guests, then I was sick, then I worked, then I was busy, then something else. And yesterday she went again, told everyone that she was going for a walk with her friends. I told her I’ll come from a business trip and we’ll part completely. And it began, that where for what, worries about me, or am I just a tyrant and a rag.
Her best friend is my informant. And she leaks all the information if something becomes known, but the joke is that they stopped communicating with her. it's kind of redundant. But what she managed to find out is that I supposedly don’t take her anywhere, I’m fat, a miser, and doesn’t want to have anything with me. I'm kind of bored.
And now I don’t know what to do, I don’t sleep for a week, I keep thinking what to do, what to do .... help with advice, I really can’t anymore.
We broke up about five years ago. Since then, each of us has been improving our personal lives, but at the same time, from time to time, we did not forget to congratulate each other on important holidays, and also periodically take an interest in business. And then he broke up with his next girlfriend and decided to have coffee with me. Since then, the coffee ritual has become a tradition for us.
When you meet a person and are in love, at the beginning of a relationship you look at him through the prism of romance and turn a blind eye to many things. Then you get to know each other better, start living together. There are moments that somehow annoy. There is no way to avoid this. It happens to every couple. With each passing day and month, these moments are either smoothed out, or the list of what I would like to change is replenished. And one day, unable to stand it, the partners disperse and become former. Not everyone succeeds in maintaining friendly relations in a couple, but if you, like me, are lucky in this, do not miss the chance to change your life for the better.
Immediately after breaking up with my ex, I thought about at what point everything went wrong. I analyzed our relationship and tried to understand what could be changed so that we could be together. In the end, I came to the only conclusion: you need to change it. Of course, there was no question of reconsidering their views on life and relationships. Although psychologists tell us that both are always to blame for a conflict, not everyone can accept this fact, because each of us is always right, and the cause of all troubles lies in the other person. Without realizing why these relationships did not work out, we cannot correctly build new ones. And we begin to repeat old mistakes from time to time, projecting past experience onto today's relationships. At the same time, we ourselves do not understand what the matter is, why the puzzle of life again does not add up for us.
It took me and my ex a few years, so that one day over a cup of coffee we discussed everything that could not be discussed when we were together. For constant showdowns and scandals, we did not hear each other at all. But it turned out, everything is simple.
First conclusion, to which I came, resuming communication with the former: people should not be tried to change, and they themselves almost never change. And it doesn't matter how old they are. The model of behavior rehearsed for years will not be corrected by anything. Even strong love. At first, a person may try to seem better than he really is, but after a while everything will return to normal again. And start to annoy you again.
Based on the first point, I did second conclusion: if you want to build a relationship with a man, accept him only as he is. Seriously, this seems like a simple truth, but in practice it is almost impossible to translate it. Thousands of psychologists around the world every day face the fact that their clients simply cannot get along with another person. Every day they try to fight him, put ultimatums, sometimes threaten him, but do not want to accept him for who he is. As a result, both get tired of such a struggle and part. Freed from the relationship, letting go of the situation, people look at each other differently. For example, I definitely realized: you should not expect changes from the ex. It remains just to accept it with all the jambs. We are all imperfect.
Moment three. Communicating with the former, we do not hide anything from each other. Because in this, at least, there is no point: everyone already knows everything. Therefore, I can safely ask about his relationship problems in order to understand how not to do it, and also ask him to clarify some points of male psychology. No matter what anyone says, women and men are really from different planets. Therefore, I could not miss the unique chance to immerse myself in the process of studying men.
And if you, like most girls in the age of social networks, are jealous of him for likes, or for viewing other people's female photos, it will be useful for you to know the following. Remember: if he looks at another girl, whether she is dressed or naked, there is nothing in it. He does not want to sleep with her immediately, does not compare you with her. He just looks. Because men are visual. We don't understand this. In a second, he forgot what he was scrolling through in the feed and whom he liked, and you remembered and sawed his brain for a week. And yes, men watch porn. Not because he lacks something in bed with you, not because he wants to cheat on you, and not even in order to achieve an orgasm. This process for men is something like an emotional discharge. Almost the same as for you to go out for a drink. It also needs to be accepted and forgotten.
fourth What I took away from communication with the ex: views on relationships. Suppose you have long and carefully taken out a man's brain. You do it diligently, sparing no effort. At first he endures, smoothes the corners, and then comes to the conclusion that it is time to leave. From the realization that you can lose everything in an instant, you are ready for a lot. And the guy gives another chance. Last. For several weeks or months, you diligently try to change, fight with your principles, turn a blind eye to everything that annoyed you before. You again try to build a relationship, but eventually break up again. And not because you haven't changed, but because he couldn't appreciate it. There can be many reasons for this. Starting with the fact that he still does not trust you, ending with the fact that cockroaches in his head think in stereotypes about you and still cannot reorganize in a new way. Of course, no one guarantees that such a situation will certainly develop in the life of each of us, but you should not write it off. Thank you, ex, for explaining to me why you can part with a man, even turning yourself upside down.
It's funny, but being in a relationship, I, a paranoid jealous with experience, suspected my ex of all mortal sins. After parting with him, I realized that it really wouldn’t hurt for me to check my head and stop being jealous of everything in the world. Conclusion five: Do not pump up and do not wind yourself up. Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Especially if you really need a person. Yes, men are polygamous by nature, they are males. But after all, if he is with you, there is no need to be jealous of those whom he simply glanced at or addressed in a conversation. Never take out his mind. Otherwise, someone like me will come to your place - wise with life experience, who will accept it with all the jambs and cockroaches. You don't want this, do you?
Victoria Razumova
Question to the psychologist:
Hello! My name is Tatyana and I'm 26. Two weeks ago my loved one left me. He is 25, it was his first relationship, which lasted 4.5 years. We ourselves spoiled everything with constant domestic quarrels, disputes, rivalry. But I went further. I worked a lot, bought an apartment, we moved (before that we lived with his parents). I gave up all my interests, hobbies, personal time. She ran home from work, cooked, washed, met him, on the weekend the same thing: cleaning, washing, household chores. He lay down in front of the TV, and I fanatically rubbed the plates under the pretense of creating comfort, family comes first and all that. She talked about children, a wedding (he didn’t want to yet). I drove him to and from work in my car. He left for the weekend to his parents, went about his business, fishing. And he became my only hobby. Everything was for him. I didn't have any friends. I began to take out my anger on him, because I did not feel the same insane return. And he could not stand it, after another quarrel he left me, asked me not to run after him and no longer humiliate myself. Everything is correct. But I remained, alone, within four walls. I stopped cooking, shopping, cleaning. Abuse with alcohol. I washed the dishes when the clean one was already over. Woke up for work, didn't want to go home. It's like I don't exist without him. I am not a living separate person, but an addition to another person. The mood is constantly changing, I want to urgently fall in love again, or I want him back, or I don’t want to see anyone. Sometimes I feel so calm without these worries, sometimes I sob uncontrollably. There are thoughts of suicide. I try to distract myself with sports, needlework, books, but I can’t, because, as if, “there is no one to try for.” There have even been attempts at online dating. I want to get myself back. I want to be a complete person again. With or without him. I want to learn to live for myself, not for someone else. I understand this, but I can not achieve the result.
The psychologist Novikova Olga Dmitrievna answers the question.
Hello Tatiana! The separation period is divided into several stages. Your condition is similar to the depressive stage, which is characterized by unwillingness to do anything, a feeling of emptiness inside, it is at this stage that thoughts of suicide appear. It will take time to get over a breakup, you need to stop being your own enemy and try to make friends with yourself, to accept yourself. You have dissolved in relationships, lost yourself, now you have a difficult, but at the same time exciting work on yourself. Start small. Ask yourself what you would like for breakfast, buy a dress you like, take a vacation and go on a trip. Your task in the near future is to learn to understand your desires. You write "there is no one to try" - try for YOURSELF. Consider a unique person in yourself, you are the only one, there is no other such Tatyana and there will not be. You are so persistent, you have achieved so much, use your determination in learning and accepting yourself. Focus on yourself and your desires.
Don't rush into a new relationship until you love yourself. The fact is that we will not be loved until we love ourselves.
Do not try to return to past relationships, trying to hold on to them will not lead to anything good. You deserve to be with the one you love and who loves you.
