“Probably, my problem will seem small to someone, and I myself am, one might say, small. I understand that older people turn to this section with their adult problems: the husband left, the wife cheated, etc. But I hope that adults also read the section. So I want my mother to see this letter and feel ashamed... No, no, she is not an alcoholic, on the contrary, she is a completely successful young woman (she is 34 years old). And she’s busy all the time: she has work, business trips, some get-togethers with the right clients, and recently, in addition to everything, her personal life has improved... It would seem that I should be happy for my mother, but the fact is that I’m always with her in the background.

From early childhood I was raised by my grandmother. It was she who taught me to read, write, love classical music and good cinema. And also – you won’t believe it! - rollerblading. She and I talked for hours on a variety of topics.

I have never seen my dad. And my mother was constantly busy - she had to study, build a career, and spend time at work from morning to night. I understand that you need to earn money. But... what about me? All I received was a call: “Have you done your homework? Did you go to the music? Okay, bye, kiss me, I’ll be back late!”

And then my grandmother passed away... For us, everything remained the same. I, a 13-year-old girl, stood in the kitchen by the window in the late evenings and waited and waited. I so wanted to tell my mother about my experiences, that the chemist was committing atrocities, that Gerka from the parallel class for some reason asked me for my phone number, and, in the end, to tell me that my stomach hurt because I became a girl...

Sometimes, of course, my mother paid attention to me. She is a very interesting person, modern, and a great photographer. In general, in those days I was in seventh heaven - we went to the forest, to the river, raged there like children, chatting about everything in the world. But such days can be counted on one hand!

Of course, I’m not some kind of recluse, I have best friends with whom I can keep secrets, there is, after all, the Internet, which also has a lot of friends. But MOM is not there!

And recently she met her love and got married. Her husband is 8 years younger. Mom blooms and flutters like a butterfly. And what’s a shame is that she had time for him. They spend evenings together, always disappear somewhere, and even if they sit at home, they practically never leave their room. On weekends they also have their own business. And I feel like a shadow. I surf the Internet, hang out with my friends, read books, do homework, go to English courses. But to my mother I am nothing. I’m the kind of person to whom you can easily say: “Have dinner and go to bed, we’ll come back late...”

Help me, please, advise me how I can make my mother see and hear me. After all, I have no one closer to her. Do you hear, mom?..”

Anya, 14 years old

Hello! Tell me, please, what could be the reason for the fact that a person first of all pays attention to the negative aspects of life? The fact is that my mother constantly complains to everyone about me, then about my dad (her husband), then about my MCH. My mother especially often complains to my grandmother, her mother, and her friend. But the fact is that mom only talks about the bad, mom doesn’t talk about the good.

My mother especially often complains about my boyfriend and his behavior. Of course, it is not perfect; for example, he often stays at our house for a long time, but not overnight. So, my mother told me after his visit: “Don’t you think that (name) has registered with us? It’s not us who are with him, but he who will register with us.” The fact is that MCH invited my mother and I to register and live with him. “Come on, I’ll bring the man now too!” How will you feel after this?

And then, after her friend asked, “How are you doing?”, Mom began to talk about how bad she felt. After some time, this same mother’s friend began to scold me, why, they say, MCH behaves like this? She screamed at me loudly and for a long time. Mom then said that, by and large, she was right, although this friend behaved rudely. But the problem is that my boyfriend offered to help us with our business (and helped us), but my mother, for some reason, focused specifically on the negative side of the relationship and complained about it, ignoring the good. Why is that?

Answer from theSolution psychologist:

This is how the matrix of ignoring a person acting out the negative scenario of a 1st, 2nd or 3rd degree loser works.

When your mother complains to everyone she knows about you, then your father, or MCH, she takes the position of a suffering victim. In this role, “according to the scheme,” she must suffer, and the other person, in theory, must inflict this suffering on her. If it turns out that the other person did something good, showed kindness, then the whole scheme collapses.

The Karpman triangle diagram consists of three main roles: savior-victim-aggressor and two additional ones. We will not talk about additional roles now, so as not to be distracted from the main train of thought. If your mom is acting out the Karpman triangle pattern from victim position, then she needs some justification for such a position. If you ignore the good, but concentrate on the bad, then her listeners (her grandmother and friend) will understand and relate to her suffering. They may feel sorry for her or even try to intervene in her situation.

Thus, by denigrating you, your father and your MCH, your mother can fully play out a manipulative psychological game based on the Karpman Triangle scheme in the role of a victim.

The purpose of this game is to exchange intense negative "strokes" from stroking profile and save emotional distance. As racket feeling your mother will receive a feeling of pity from her grandmother and friend.

Your mom's friend is a partner in the Karpman triangle pattern.

Please note that your mother’s friend quite rudely violated the boundaries of your personality when she began to scold you for the behavior of your boyfriend. This is possible not only because of rudeness and rudeness, but also because of scripted behavior (meaning the scenario of a loser of the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd degree).

The loser script is a professional psychotherapeutic term that reflects the habit of acting out unhealthy patterns in communication (the same Karpman triangle).

Perhaps this behavior was aimed at playing the role of a “savior” in relation to your mother. If your mom's friend and mom went to psychotherapy, they would gain knowledge about how correct distortions in its ignoring matrix and in his stroking profile. This would help them learn to communicate sincerely and kindly without acting out. manipulative psychological games and without experiencing the well-known stereotyped racketeering feelings.

“Probably, my problem will seem small to someone, and I myself am, one might say, small. I understand that older people turn to this section with their adult problems: the husband left, the wife cheated, etc. But I hope that adults also read the section. So I want my mother to see this letter and feel ashamed... No, no, she is not an alcoholic, on the contrary, she is a completely successful young woman (she is 34 years old). And she’s busy all the time: she has work, business trips, some get-togethers with the right clients, and recently, in addition to everything, her personal life has improved... It would seem that I should be happy for my mother, but the fact is that I’m always with her in the background.

From early childhood I was raised by my grandmother. It was she who taught me to read, write, love classical music and good cinema. And also – you won’t believe it! - rollerblading. She and I talked for hours on a variety of topics.

I have never seen my dad. And my mother was constantly busy - she had to study, build a career, and spend time at work from morning to night. I understand that you need to earn money. But... what about me? All I received was a call: “Have you done your homework? Did you go to the music? Okay, bye, kiss me, I’ll be back late!”

And then my grandmother passed away... For us, everything remained the same. I, a 13-year-old girl, stood in the kitchen by the window in the late evenings and waited and waited. I so wanted to tell my mother about my experiences, that the chemist was committing atrocities, that Gerka from the parallel class for some reason asked me for my phone number, and, in the end, to tell me that my stomach hurt because I became a girl...

Sometimes, of course, my mother paid attention to me. She is a very interesting person, modern, and a great photographer. In general, in those days I was in seventh heaven - we went to the forest, to the river, raged there like children, chatting about everything in the world. But such days can be counted on one hand!

Of course, I’m not some kind of recluse, I have best friends with whom I can keep secrets, there is, after all, the Internet, which also has a lot of friends. But MOM is not there!

And recently she met her love and got married. Her husband is 8 years younger. Mom blooms and flutters like a butterfly. And what’s a shame is that she had time for him. They spend evenings together, always disappear somewhere, and even if they sit at home, they practically never leave their room. On weekends they also have their own business. And I feel like a shadow. I surf the Internet, hang out with my friends, read books, do homework, go to English courses. But to my mother I am nothing. I’m the kind of person to whom you can easily say: “Have dinner and go to bed, we’ll come back late...”

Help me, please, advise me how I can make my mother see and hear me. After all, I have no one closer to her. Do you hear, mom?..”

Anya, 14 years old

Hello everyone. Like you all, I have a desire to commit suicide.
My parents developed two years ago, and since then life seemed to go downhill. My younger sister and I stayed with my mother and came to my hometown in the Caucasus. I felt bad. We lived with my mother’s sister in a two-room apartment. she herself has three children and a husband, and then we showed up. I felt that she didn’t need us and she tolerated us because my mother worked and she had 80 thousand with her. As soon as this money ran out, they kicked us out to great-grandmother and great-grandfather, and my grandfather does not walk and screams all the time. My grandmother went crazy. My mother practically did not pay attention to me for these two years. All her attention was on her younger sister or on the little boy of the family with whom she is friends. I hate them.
At home there is screaming all the time. When other children go for a walk, I clean the apartment. I can’t go to cafes like my peers, or just to the park. I have a younger sister, and if I go for a walk without her, they punish me. At home I’m like cleaning lady. Do you know how offensive it is to hear cheerful laughter from the yard when you can wipe the floor and at the same time scrub the table from the paints that your hated sister just painted with?! I hate my life. I dream of dying!<способы суицида - ред.мод.>!No one needs me! Mom will notice that I died only when a thick layer of dust appears! After all, no one cleans the house except me! I really, really want to die, but I’m afraid. I’m scared. But I can’t live like this anymore!
I just recently what should I do! I have no one to turn to for help!! All I can do is cry quietly in the evenings so that my mother doesn’t hear, otherwise she’ll punish me...
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Kira, age: 12/07/22/2017

Responses:

Kira, don’t think about death. You need to live. Your life has not yet begun, and you already want to end it. It’s a sin to think like that. Try to understand your mother, she devotes money to your little sister because she is little. Try not to be offended and not think about death .Understand, my mother is losing her nerves, she is also worried about the divorce. Try to support your mother. You need to live and believe that everything will be fine. And sooner or later all the problems will pass. Everything will be fine.

Zeynep, age: 25 / 07/22/2017

Hello! Dear Kira, you are still very young and it is clear that you want an ordinary childhood, with its carefreeness, spontaneity, etc. But the circumstances are such that you have to grow up earlier than your peers, and nothing can be done about it. It's difficult for mom! And you are her support and support! Yes, Kira, it’s you, not dad or anyone else. She really needs your help! Now it's looking after my sister and cleaning the house. Later there will be other responsibilities, cooking, washing, ironing, part-time work. Mom is an adult, but she can’t handle it alone, Kirochka. It is very valuable that you have family, that you are not alone in this world! And my sister won’t always be little. Therefore, you should not experience hatred, envy and other not the best feelings. Kindness, modesty, humility, thriftiness, a desire to help - these are the qualities necessary for a good daughter, sister and, in the future, a worthy wife. Good luck to you, God help you.

Irina, age: 29 / 07/23/2017

“Probably, my problem will seem small to someone, and I myself am, one might say, small. I understand that older people turn to this section with their adult problems: the husband left, the wife cheated, etc. But I hope that adults also read the section. So I want my mother to see this letter and feel ashamed... No, no, she is not an alcoholic, on the contrary, she is a completely successful young woman (she is 34 years old). And she’s busy all the time: she has work, business trips, some get-togethers with the right clients, and recently, in addition to everything, her personal life has improved... It would seem that I should be happy for my mother, but the fact is that I’m always with her in the background.

From early childhood I was raised by my grandmother. It was she who taught me to read, write, love classical music and good cinema. And also – you won’t believe it! - rollerblading. She and I talked for hours on a variety of topics.

I have never seen my dad. And my mother was constantly busy - she had to study, build a career, and spend time at work from morning to night. I understand that you need to earn money. But... what about me? All I received was a call: “Have you done your homework? Did you go to the music? Okay, bye, kiss me, I’ll be back late!”

And then my grandmother passed away... For us, everything remained the same. I, a 13-year-old girl, stood in the kitchen by the window in the late evenings and waited and waited. I so wanted to tell my mother about my experiences, that the chemist was committing atrocities, that Gerka from the parallel class for some reason asked me for my phone number, and, in the end, to tell me that my stomach hurt because I became a girl...

Sometimes, of course, my mother paid attention to me. She is a very interesting person, modern, and a great photographer. In general, in those days I was in seventh heaven - we went to the forest, to the river, raged there like children, chatting about everything in the world. But such days can be counted on one hand!

Of course, I’m not some kind of recluse, I have best friends with whom I can keep secrets, there is, after all, the Internet, which also has a lot of friends. But MOM is not there!

And recently she met her love and got married. Her husband is 8 years younger. Mom blooms and flutters like a butterfly. And what’s a shame is that she had time for him. They spend evenings together, always disappear somewhere, and even if they sit at home, they practically never leave their room. On weekends they also have their own business. And I feel like a shadow. I surf the Internet, hang out with my friends, read books, do homework, go to English courses. But to my mother I am nothing. I’m the kind of person to whom you can easily say: “Have dinner and go to bed, we’ll come back late...”

Help me, please, advise me how I can make my mother see and hear me. After all, I have no one closer to her. Do you hear, mom?..”

Anya, 14 years old