We are talking about this with psychologist ANETTA ORLOVA.

Anetta, what kind of women decide to have an affair with a married man?

Today, many women cannot arrange their personal lives, so they easily agree to a relationship with a married man. Over time, this relationship can move from the stage of entertainment to the stage of serious affection. People find themselves in a situation of complex dependence on each other. If a man is rich and has a lot of free resources, he can make sure that the first wife is provided with everything, and the second wife is happy.

This situation is normal from the economic side, but traumatic from the moral side. Now we have more and more men who live in two families. They present their facade to society, but this “building” has both a “secret room” hidden from view and a back door.

Often mistresses give birth to children. So they hope to tie the man to themselves even more, to take him away from his first family?

Everything happens in different ways, because children are the natural fruit of love. It happens that a woman is pressed by age if she is over 35 years old. She meets a man she likes and thinks, “Why not?” - because he wants to fulfill his mission and give birth to a child. Men react differently to illegitimate children. Many take a principled position: “If I have a child, I will support him and take care of him.” A woman who gave birth to a child is no longer perceived as a friend.

Relations with her move to a more serious level.

If a mistress understands that a man will never leave his first family, she behaves wisely and cunningly - she does not invade the territory of a façade marriage. So there are more bonuses for her. I know stories where a wife found out about the existence of a mistress with a child only at her husband’s funeral.

What pushes a man to live in two families?

In my book “The Fears of Real Men,” I write about what men are afraid of. One of the most important experiences is the fear of being on the bench in big sex. This is traumatic for a man. With his wife, with whom he lived for 20 years, the passion had already subsided. They have gone through all the phases, raised children and are living in the “empty nest” stage. And so the man thinks: “But I’m still young!” - and begins to seek confirmation of his sexuality - with another, younger woman. Sometimes such activity has a detrimental effect on health, because it begins to live at maximum speed. But often a new family makes a man happier if in his first marriage the emotional connection with his wife was long lost or the relationship with the children was poor.

A new woman gives both emotional and sexual warmth, and this greatly brightens life.

What other motives push married men to look for a new woman?

If a man can be classified as a Proud Man, then for him a woman is an attribute of his success and status in society. If his wife begins to age, lose ground, and his friends and partners have young wives or mistresses, the Proud Man will also get a girlfriend - it is important for him to demonstrate that he can afford it. If a man is Henpecked, then there is such a story: he lived 20 years in his marriage, and suddenly a woman came into his field of vision who treated him with more respect and interest than his wife. He understands that he has his own self, his own opinion. Everything that has been suppressed for many years gives an unprecedented emotional explosion, and he leaves the family to spread his wings and feel himself in a new status.

If a man is a Warrior type, an atmosphere of boredom and stagnation in marriage is unacceptable for him. If the wife has stopped developing and turned into a gray hen, then the Warrior will go in search of a new queen who needs to be conquered.

If he meets a new woman, he will not leave his first family, because he will not want to give up what he conquered before and considers his own. And, most likely, he will live in two houses.

Is it possible to somehow resolve this situation so that everyone feels good?

It can't be good for everyone. It’s not for nothing that these situations are called triangles of suffering. The one who has two partners feels most comfortable.

Although he also lives with a feeling of guilt. Still, the relationship between the two partners is more harmonious.

When they lack something, surrogate substitutions arise. The paradox is that such a marriage often relies on a third person and is even prolonged due to this.

How does the struggle for a man go in the triangle of suffering?

One of the popular scenarios is that a mistress makes sure that her wife finds out about her. At this moment, the wife experiences terrible shock, aggression, and a conflict arises in the family when the man is kicked out of the house.

He has no choice but to go live with his mistress.

That's what she's waiting for. It happens that a man immediately stipulates the rules of the game and prohibits his mistress from invading his family life. If he has a good relationship with his wife and children, it is much more difficult to take him away from the family. In general, one of the best ways to preserve a marriage relationship is through jointly acquired property. This is more reliable than all psychological attachments.

If the spouses have a joint house, which he has been building for many years, then the thought of divorce and division of property is unbearable for him. And he will take care of the facade, not wanting to lose what he has been building for years.

What advice can you give to wives who want to save a façade marriage?

Do not kick your husband out of the house in a fit of passion. If your mistress told you about her existence, do not fall for the provocation. This means that the husband does not leave on his own and they want to push him. If you feel that your husband's attention is leaving, there is no need to pursue him. Take care of yourself, stay in shape, find a new hobby to be interesting to your husband. If a man decides to leave the family, invite him to take your child with him.

This will cause sharp rejection on the part of your mistress and will sober up your husband a little.

Almost all marriages go through a “turbulence zone.” Cheating is one of the most common causes of family breakdown. The most popular question on the Internet is: “How to seduce a man?” There is an interesting statistic: out of four men who left their family, three regret it, and two make attempts to return. So don’t rush to let your husband go and run to get a divorce. Better think about how to breathe new life into your façade marriage.

REFERENCE

Anetta Orlova is a famous psychologist who conducts trainings “Harmony of Long-Term Relationships” and “Secrets of Female Magnetism.” Heads the Academy of Personal Attractiveness. Author of the book “The Fears of Real Men.”

Fatal« Kiss» Rodin

At the age of 17, aspiring sculptor Camille Claudel met master Auguste Rodin. She became his assistant, student, model and lover. The affair lasted for many years, and all this time Rodin lived in two houses: for his soul and creativity he had Camilla, and for family comfort - his wife Rose Bere, the mother of his son. He was not going to part with any of them.

When Camilla turned 30, she began to experience depression. She had neither family nor orders.

And then the aged Rodin returned to Rose. Camilla survived him by 25 years and ended her life in 1946 in poverty and obscurity in a psychiatric clinic.

Only after her death she gained fame as a genius.

We are live wires

He fell in love with her when he saw her, barefoot and unkempt, washing the floor on the veranda.

And he took it from a friend, pianist Heinrich Neuhaus. Boris Pasternak was happy: in the person of Zinaida Nikolaevna Neuhaus, he found not only a muse, but also a wonderful hostess who knew how to create comfort. The family idyll lasted 10 years, then the poet became bored, retreated into himself, and in 1946 a new muse, Olga Ivinskaya, appeared in his life. At that time, the fatal beauty was 34 years old, and the poet was 56 years old. Pasternak confronted the family with a fact: “I will live where I like.”

Their romance lasted for 14 long years - until Pasternak’s death.

Loneliness of Lady Di

Her family life began like a fairy tale, because on June 29, 1981 she married a real prince. Alas, at that time the heart of Prince Charles already belonged to the homewrecker - the woman of his life, Camilla Parker Bowles. And almost from the very first days, Princess Diana was the odd one out in this painful triangle for everyone. Lady Di tried to win her husband's love, gave birth to his beautiful sons William and Harry, and became prettier as a woman. But she was never able to build a happy family.

All she could do was present a facade of marriage to society.

Lady Di sought solace in social activities, social life and love interests. She was called the queen of hearts and one of the most elegant beauties in the world.

Charles and Diana divorced in 1996, and a year later she died in a car accident.

Iron Arnie's Infidelity

The Terminator Governor is used to achieving success in cinema, in politics, and in his personal life. In 1986, he married journalist Maria Shriver from the Kennedy clan. The couple had four children. For a long time, Arnold Schwarzenegger had a reputation as an exemplary family man, which was important to California voters. And suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, the news spreads that Arnie has a 10-year-old illegitimate son - from Mildred Patricia Baena, who worked as a housekeeper for the governor.

Angry Maria Shriver decided to divorce her unfaithful husband and started divorce proceedings. True, there are rumors that the couple recently decided to save the family.

K. M., N. Novgorod

Immature love

“Two types of men, as a rule, find themselves in a “double” situation,” comments a letter from an AiF reader. psychologist Anna Khnykina. - The first one is too dependent on the opinions of others; he himself cannot make a decision and make a choice. He behaves as if nothing depends on him. A typical example is the hero Oleg Basilashvili from the film “Autumn Marathon”. A man is afraid of offending his wife, his mistress, and himself - after all, he himself does not know what is best for him in this situation.

The second type is the masters of life. Today, among rich people, starting a second family is considered the norm. They, as they say, can afford it. Many take their “parallel” wives abroad, and their children go to local schools there.”

I have a friend who started an affair with a married man and became a “second wife” for several years. And what was her horror when this man infected her with a sexually transmitted disease. It turns out that even with two life partners, he managed to cheat on both of them with the third! And... with a former lover. It came flooding in, they say... As a result, all four of us were treated together. “Is this a normal person? He is a moral monster, a scoundrel, a traitor,” the friend cried bitterly. But for me it was bitter that this disgusting incident did not force her to break off the relationship. She left the “harem” only a few years later, completely depressed after a series of new betrayals.

“A man loves two women? From the point of view of psychiatry, this is not a deviation, says A. Khnykina. - The only question is ethical assessments. Such “double”, “triple” love is similar to real love. But this love is immature, in which a person only takes and gives nothing. A morally mature man will not live in two families at the same time. Relationships in a couple give a person integrity. And relationships with several partners are multiplicity, which is mentally exhausting. I have not seen a person who would be proud and say: “Look, I have so many wives at the same time.” Yes, men are proud of the number of children. But at the same time they prefer not to talk about how many women they were born from.

A real oriental harem has an internal structure. Each wife has her own responsibilities, her own functions, each is part of the system. But in our culture, if a man starts several parallel families, his women, one way or another, sooner or later will begin to tear him to pieces and demand the impossible - to be both here and there at the same time. But a man physically cannot give both everything that women need - warmth, affection, care, attention. As a result, he feels torn apart and guilty before everyone.

To the question “Why do men behave this way and start several families?” There is a simple answer: because women do it! But the desire to deceive everyone and make themselves more comfortable has never brought anyone any good.”

A mistress... strengthens a family?

We can talk as much as we like about what happens in a man’s head when he starts a parallel family. But this is what always amazed me. Women are always indignant: “Why can’t he make a decision?” Forgetting that she can make the decision HERSELF. For example, leave this man, stop playing the victim and wait for him to “make up his mind.” And it’s even better not to enter this river at all. As TV matchmaker Roza Syabitova says, “don’t open your mouth on someone else’s bed.”

Many married men say that they do not have a sexual life with their wife. And the mistress (she is not a “second wife” at all - let’s call a spade a spade) begins to think that she will tie a man to her with a stormy bed. But it turns out the other way around! By having sex with her, this person seems to fill the void in his relationship with his wife. Now he doesn’t want to leave his wife at all! No matter how funny it sounds, very often the “other” strengthens the relationship of a married couple and complements their relationship. Sometimes sex on the side gives a man a feeling of guilt towards his wife, he begins to “sweep his tail in front of her” and improve the relationship.

“Why do women even become “second wives”? - comments A. Khnykina. - A man who takes a mistress most often positions himself in the noblest way: “I don’t want to ruin your life by tying you into an official marriage. If you find your person and leave, I’ll be only happy for you.” Therefore, at first everything is very tempting.

You have everything, it’s as if you are wealthy even with your husband, you live a sexual life, but at the same time you are free and do not bear any obligations. But... Addiction comes unnoticed, a habit arises. Literally like with drugs - at first you just try it, and then you can’t refuse... It’s interesting that both men and women in this “multiple” situation say the same thing - “I can’t.” “I can’t choose,” “I can’t forget,” “I can’t send,” “I can’t decide.” In fact, it's "I don't want to." But saying “I can’t” is much more convenient.”
Many “second wives” argue: “There are still fewer men than women in Russia. And so, at least some, but I have a man.”

“Firstly, there are “less men” not in the country, but in the head,” says A. Khnykina. - Secondly, this is contentment with little, and the position of “at least some” ultimately leads to the fact that there is none.

Even if the “second wife” understands that something needs to be changed, making a decision sometimes drags on so long that it becomes too late. She is already 48. He never left his official wife. And now he wants a young mistress. Money - here you go, please. And intimate communication stops at some point.

My main practical advice: when you start a relationship with a married man, you need to understand what you are playing with. You are playing with your own time. When a woman decides to give birth to a married man, you need to think about this: you may have enough money in your pocket, but the child will want the father’s attention. And you will need to constantly come up with legends that “dad is an astronaut.” If you already find yourself in the situation of a “second wife,” I think you need to build your own happiness, taking into account what you have, the psychologist advises. - There is a child and no husband. So, I need a husband. Mine. At the same time, let the children maintain a relationship with their real father.”

Dear readers!

Reference: Polygamy is a form of marriage in which there is one partner of one sex and several of the other. Polygyny (from the Greek “many” and “woman”) is a form of polygamy when a man is simultaneously in several marriages.

Society’s position: every tenth person is in favor

Ten percent of the Russian population positively perceives the idea of ​​polygamy, says Natalia Churkina, associate professor of the Department of Sociology, Pedagogy and Psychology at NGASU. Some respondents explain their opinion by saying that officially permitted polygamy would help solve the problems of a statistically recorded shortage of men and low birth rates in the country. This topic is also discussed seriously in Western countries. “The American anthropologist Kilbride, in his book “Polygyny in Our Day,” considers polygamy as a cure for many social ills of modern society as a whole.

Another group of supporters of the legalization of polygamy believes that this would make it possible to legalize existing extramarital affairs. By the way, the director of the Anti-Stress Center, psychotherapist Maxim Zagoruiko says that among his clients, about 10% are men living in two families.

Signs that a man has another (at least a mistress, at most a family) are quite eloquent. Firstly, a man begins to stay late “at work” or “with friends” not on weekday evenings, but also on weekends and especially holidays. Asks to “call back later.” Secondly, he becomes more concerned about privacy issues: papers, laptop and phone. Sitting at the computer, he quickly closes the windows when you approach. He erases the SMS and goes into another room to talk on the phone. Finally, the man becomes less attentive to his wife, less interested in her and general affairs, often gets irritated, and sex becomes rare and routine.

Man's position: children are sacred

Psychologists separate the situations of “just a mistress” and, in fact, a “second wife”. As Natalia Gerasimova, a psychologist at the August center, explained, in the case of a “second family,” a man dates the same woman for a long time or even has children with her.

But the main thing is that he really loves both women, in contrast to a casual relationship, when a man does not take his passion seriously.

What makes a man look for a relationship without breaking up with his previous wife? Here are the observations of Maxim Zagoruiko, who identified 4 groups of such men:

A man gets divorced, but psychologically he is unable to part with his first wife: there are children, memories and affection. As a result, the man lives with his new wife, but communicates with the first (including intimately), helps her and the children.

A child in a relationship with a mistress is born “by chance.” Usually the mistress wants to keep the man that way. At the subconscious level, a woman who gave birth to a man can no longer be perceived as a “girlfriend.” Relations with her move to a more serious level, and if a man is responsible, he usually does not abandon them, but helps both of them.

A man and his mistress deliberately have a child. Usually this happens when the wife cannot, does not want to have children, or they have simply grown up, and the man wants to experience the joy of fatherhood again.

The man travels a lot on business trips or works on a rotational basis.

Position of “concubine”: secured and free

The “second wife” usually has material and psychological interests. There are not enough men, but I really want to arrange my personal life - this is the main motivation.

At the same time, by choosing a man who is already busy, a woman subconsciously avoids close relationships (which for some reason she is afraid of).

The second motive is material. Already centuries ago there was a concept of concubinage - when a woman from the lower class cohabited with a married man. “Since ancient times, becoming a concubine (concubine) was the only chance to escape poverty for many poor and humble girls. Family, child, financial support - this is what this woman receives and usually she chooses a serious and wealthy man as a partner,” confirms Natalia Churkina.

Wife's attitude: eyes wide shut

Despite the obvious signs of betrayal, such unions, which last for years, usually paradoxically suit all three parties and are therefore unusually strong. Psychologists confirm: often women know about each other’s existence and do not object to it. The wife pretends that nothing is happening, especially if it is beneficial for her (for example, she is dependent on the man), and the mistress is even more satisfied with the situation - she also receives material support, care and attention.

Women whose husbands for some reason start looking for a woman on the side have something in common. “Usually, a second family is started by men who cannot satisfy all their most important needs in a single marriage.

Therefore, women who are inattentive to their husbands and their desires often find themselves in such a situation,” says Maxim Zagoruiko.

Psychologists give one piece of advice to wives who find themselves in this situation: honestly ask yourself the question of what keeps you close to such a man. “It is important that a woman understands what she really wants. If she really wants to break up, it would be good for her to be aware of the motives for the breakup and formulate them for herself. For example: “I want to be the only one for him. I don’t want to share it with anyone,” advises Maxim Zagoruiko, focusing on the fact that if you are not honest with yourself, neither separation nor maintaining the marriage will bring happiness in itself. If you decide to break up, you can’t drag it out, “cutting off the tail” piece by piece.

If your option is to save the family, then the solution is banal, but labor-intensive - to start working on the relationship and, above all, to find out what the husband lacked in the marriage. True, there is one important nuance here: first you should find out whether your husband needs your efforts. After all, if you have the strength to change the situation, it would be nice if it were worth it.

Irina Kisner

Photo thinkstockphotos.com

We received a letter from a reader, the content of which can compete with Santa Barbara. The author of the story and her man have been on and off for many years. She is raising two children from him, and he lives in two families. Why does a woman need such a relationship and how to get out of it, explains the psychologist.

Losing a loved one is easy, but regaining an emotional connection or finding an equally strong new one is not the easiest task. Perhaps you shouldn’t be a hero and try to figure out a problem on your own that seems unsolvable to you. We offer you professional help from psychologists from the Center for Successful Relationships.

You send us your story, and we publish it with expert comments. In order for us to better understand the essence of the problem, please send as detailed (of course, as appropriate for you personally) stories. And we will do everything possible to ensure that good mood, harmony and peace return to your home. The anonymity of letters is guaranteed.

We are waiting for your letters at [email protected]. To prevent your letter from getting lost, please indicate “My Story” in the subject line.

kinopoisk.ru / Still from the film “About Love” is for illustrative purposes

— I worked at a company as an economist, my future husband worked there as a driver. We communicated as colleagues. I knew that he had many fans, he looked very good and young. There were men in my life too.

At some point, he began to pay special attention to me, and we started dating. They moved in together immediately and began living in my dorm. Then he was fired from his job (due to his own stupidity), I supported both of us. In general, difficulties with money and quarrels began.

On this wave, I went to a sanatorium, where I met someone else... I wanted to leave my “driver,” but he didn’t let me go. He forgave me for cheating, proposed, and we got married. And then the same problems immediately returned: his earnings are temporary, my salary goes to all expenses. At the same time, I find out that I am pregnant.

The husband suggested that in order to save money, we move in with his mother. Our relationship with her absolutely did not work out, and life in this house was hell for me. My husband was not at home, he sat in the garage for days, and there was no income from it. I endured all this for a year, and then I sent my son to a nursery and went to work.

Six months after starting work, I had the opportunity to rent an apartment and move there with my son. My husband came and went to us... I couldn’t stand it and filed for divorce and alimony, because I saw that the situation was not changing.

He still didn’t have a permanent job, and I had to work several jobs at once to pay for rented housing and support my son and myself. The first time in court they gave a reprieve for reconciliation, the second time we were divorced.

It seemed that everything: everyone has their own life, but no... He returned again and again. I wanted my son to see his father more often, I hoped that my now ex-husband would change, start earning money and become a man in the family (after all, until now I was the man).

At some point it seemed to me that everything was getting better, I softened a little and thought that maybe we should get back together. And then he left for good - without explaining anything.

Through social networks, I found out that it turns out that he has a girlfriend and they have been together for several months. A showdown began between him, the new girl and me, as a result of which he said: “It’s all over with us, I’m staying with her.”

I had hysterics, tears, incredible pain... I experienced all this in front of my son, I lost it terribly, and started taking antidepressants. What do you think... For another two and a half years he ran from her to me and back.

pinterest.com

At the same time, I saw that everything was fine with him: two women love him, both have apartments, both earn good money and accept him for who he is.

In December 2017, he came to Christmas with the words: “Sorry for everything, let’s live together, I need our family.” And immediately from this girl’s social networks I find out that on New Year’s they were together, he gave her a ring and proposed.

I decided that this is the end, I’ve had enough.

But I found out that I was expecting a child from him again. I spent my entire second pregnancy on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Either she wrote to him “come back,” or “I don’t want anything from you.”

I know that he hasn’t loved me for a long time. What comes to see the son but he is no longer attracted to me.

I ruined my son’s childhood and psyche: he’s growing up very vulnerable and whiny. He sees dad only when he finds time for him, once a week or two. I myself would like to change everything. More precisely, I would like my husband to become different, to become a good husband and father, to stop running between two families... But this is what I want, not him. Please give me some advice on what to do? How to learn to move on and let go of this person?

Psychologist's comment

Elena Dubovik, psychologist, director of the Center for Successful Relationships

- Let's start with an unpleasant, but very useful thought: your life is the result of your choice.

You made this choice at the beginning of your acquaintance and continue to reinforce it. Most likely, you yourself are not aware of this choice, but this does not mitigate or cancel the consequences.

The main task of a girl at the beginning of a relationship is to make a worthy choice. This is the most important “interview” and the most important test, guaranteeing harmony in the next period (women) or suffering.

It's sad that girls rarely remember this.

Let us remember how fairy-tale heroines provided themselves with a good choice.

“The fairy tale is a lie, but it contains all the wisdom of generations.” The princess asked riddles and gave tasks to the applicant. If you get the ring from the bottom of the sea, defeat the dragon, solve the riddles, I’m yours. If not, he himself understands that he is not fit to be her husband.

Your chosen one has shown you many times his inability to live, inconsistency and irresponsibility, and you chose him for this.

There was no stability, no ability to rely on him, no sense of purpose in him. You admit it yourself.

A man must not only demonstrate potential, but also prove that this will always be the case. There is no bias towards men in this statement. To become a wife, a girl must also demonstrate and prove to her chosen one stable qualities that guarantee that she will be a good companion.

The fact that your chosen one is who he is will have to be accepted without illusions. Otherwise, you will endlessly manipulate your consciousness using unrealistic hope.

Perhaps you yourself are letting him know that you are choosing him for this behavior. Perhaps a courageous, mature and responsible man poses a danger to you?

On the other hand, the connection between you may be more complex. Usually a partner is a reflection of our inner content. There is something in your personality that provides this connection.

If your inner image of a man is immature, inconsistent and irresponsible, then you and your man are connected by secret ties, although outwardly you may be overly collected, carry everything on your shoulders, try to control everything. Such an Amazon is armored on the outside, but vulnerable, insecure and doubtful on the inside.

Let's not forget about double standards. You demonstrate one requirement, but deep down you want something completely different. This duality of yours can provoke him to inconsistent actions. Often, insecure women try to get reinforcement of their value by pushing their partner to make a choice between her and someone or something else.

Instead of waiting for your partner to change, leave him alone and take care of yourself.

Self-knowledge and personal growth will give you the long-awaited effect when a man’s attention, support and responsibility are not discussed, but are an integral part of the relationship. Experts in this field will help you.