Hello, dear readers! Making a decision is always difficult, and even more so if it can radically change your life. Frank conversations with yourself and reflection, even if they help, you still have to go through a lot before realizing your plans. People understand this, and therefore are in no hurry to implement it.

I live with one person and love another – what should I do? The answer seems to be so simple and obvious, but without the advice of a psychologist it can be very difficult in practice. That's what I'm going to give you today. Well, shall we get started? I hope by the end of this publication you will be able to make a decision and change something in your life.

Who is guilty

Do you understand that you have created a situation in which one person is unhappy, and in relation to the second, a loved one behaves dishonestly?

You know very well that you are thinking about someone else, which means you cannot be called a happy woman. You feel discomfort because you are doing, firstly, not as you want, and, secondly, incorrectly.

At some point in your life, you met a wonderful young man and decided to start a relationship with him, but then you changed your mind and realized: “I want something else.” This guy continues to believe in you, and you with his soul. Would you like to be in his place?

Only you can make everyone happy, or at least act fairly towards everyone. You know what you want from life, so what makes you act differently?

Everything is in your power, you just need to decide and do it.

"I can't"

Perhaps you are afraid of being unwanted by someone with whom you are secretly in love. Well, then you should seriously think about whether to give up your feelings altogether? If you think that this should be done in favor of the man with whom you live, this is not at all true. You are not confident in your partner, otherwise there was no thought about the ex or the future.

Answer yourself honestly, do you love the person you are trying to live with? Why do you need this relationship if someone else is constantly present in it? Do you want it, even if no one appreciates it?

Believe me, your boyfriend is not interested in being with you specifically, despite the fact that you love someone else. Time will pass, and this guy will definitely find someone else. Perhaps you are taking the place of his ideal other half. What makes you do this and how do you justify your action?

Leave everything “I can’t”, get rid of fear and start building your life in which everything will happen sincerely and honestly. This also means happiness in the family. No one will thank you for loving someone else or sleeping with someone else. Appreciate yourself and those who are next to you.

Think about yourself and your own happiness.

How did you get here

I would like to summarize a little and thereby finally clarify the situation around you. Before, I spoke mainly about other people, but the most important thing for a person is himself, and that’s right.

A woman will never cheat or look at another man if she is completely satisfied with the relationship. She weighs and thinks for a long time, and then cheats, and, first of all, emotionally. “I can’t live like this anymore, I want change, I need someone else,” she seems to say, going into bed with another man, even if only mentally.

Only you can decide what to do: with the one you are mentally running away from, or try something new with someone else. In any case, until you make up your mind and start following your own feelings, they will torment you, just like the situation itself. And believe me, after many years not a single soul will be grateful to you for what you suffered.

“My love, I would have given anything for us to have met ten years earlier, when I was free. And now…"

In general, he is clearly not going to leave his legal wife and plunge headlong into family life with you. And this is where confusion arises. Loves? He says he loves him. How's it in bed? Enchanting. Common interests, views, understand each other without words, if you take your hand - undiluted endorphin flows through your veins.

But then evening comes, and he hurries to his incomprehensible “home”, to where someone who does not understand, is not desired and is not loved awaits. And he, damn it, has conversations with her, and then, damn it again, goes to bed with her! Can a man love one and live with another? The answer is yes. 100% can. Now let's figure out why.

Love and not so much

A man loves two women? No. Polygamy is the ability to fertilize the largest number of females, but by no means the ability to experience a feeling of love euphoria for everyone. That is, a man cannot “love” two women. And there are quotation marks here for a reason.

Love, as we were told in a school literature course, is a feeling when you are ready to do anything: give all your money and take out a loan at 30% per annum, sell a kidney or your own hair to buy a gift for the person you love most, split the last spoon of coffee in half. , sleep on the very edge of the bed, wake up 15 minutes earlier to be able to wake up on time...

Yes, you never know how many feats are performed for the sake of love. And of course, both a man and a woman during a period of intense love experiences strive to be as close as possible to the object of their feelings. Preferably - all day long.

And here, instead of love, we get “love”: one a little bit, the second a little bit. I can’t live without you, but somehow I can. I'm sad without you, but, oh, it's time for me to go home. You are so beautiful, not like the other one, so smart and the prettiest. And then: “Hello, yes dear, yeah, bread, loaf, milk, suppositories for hemorrhoids? Of course I'll buy it. Yes, I'll be there soon. Already coming. That's it, my only one, I went. I will miss you unbearably."

And if a man loves two, then he lies to both. Well, for some company.

Buy a pig, woman!

And no one would be sad. But the man suddenly had a midlife crisis. And since middle age in Russia is a very relative concept, it comes to everyone differently. As he took a mistress, so did the crisis.

A man in heartache, radiating intellectual dissatisfaction and sexual hunger, having experience in everyday affairs - he can seduce any girl. If only there was a girl, there would be a way.

And after all, touched by the gentle whispers and ardent smuggled embraces, the ladies surrender without a fight. They melt, melt, write passionate SMS and buy erotic lingerie. They hope that one of these days a loved one will appear with a bouquet, a ring and a message that the old wife has been sent to rest.

“And you are appointed as the beloved wife, Zukhra!”
You can wait for this moment before the onset of menopause, but you won’t get it. Powder your wrinkles while he powders your brains.

Initiative is punishable

A man will not leave his wife until she confronts him about infidelity. He, although he will never admit it, is concerned about the opinion of his moral character. Mom, Aunt Raya and godmother, sister, brother and, of course, children, neighbors, friends - how can I explain to them all that I’m tired of this one, I’ll live with the new one.

No, if “this one” files for divorce, okay, we will divorce and move in with “that one.” So a smart wife will put on a stupid face until the last moment, so as not to lose her blood-born husband.

This is the time, this is the hour

But to the question “can a man love two women equally?” An affirmative answer is entirely acceptable. He loves them not according to generally accepted concepts, but according to his own internal standards. It's like loving beer but drinking vodka from time to time. Wear a suit, but wear jeans on weekends. To go to Baden for water and to visit my grandfather in the village. Same with “that” and “that”. It’s good there, and it’s not bad either, as long as no one destroys this fragile comfort.

"Great" again

And if life nevertheless turned to face you, and the passionately beloved man found himself expelled from the bosom of the family into your arms, wait for history to repeat itself. Only now “this” will be you, and “that” will be someone else. As the honest Graham Greene wrote: “Even the most passionate embrace of a lover shows that love is fickle.”

And if a man went to the left once, nothing will stop him from repeating the piquant experience. So it’s worth really thinking about its matrimonial value. Isn't it better to look for your own man, for whom you will be the only possible option?

Old Style

Everything that is written above is the generalized life experience of more than one woman. But! Miracles happen. True, like all fairy gifts, this miracle will be a little smelly. He will really be able to put himself before a choice: can a man love one and live with another? But then he will be over 50. You, most likely, will be no more than 40. He will make a choice in your favor, and will finally become the rightful owner of the slippers and no longer a girl’s heart.

Before retirement age or the appearance of serious health problems, the man of your dreams does not think that life is a finite phenomenon. And if you don’t realize your dream now, then it will be too late. But as soon as the roast rooster pecks, he quickly makes his wishes come true: he gets a divorce, adopts your common children, redistributes the inheritance, takes you to the registry office.

What does this threaten you with, other than a feeling of deep satisfaction? Oh, with a lot of trouble. In 10-12 years it will begin to fall apart right before your eyes, in 2-3 years the word “prostate” will appear somewhere in your life, passionate bed battles will turn into rare friendly exercises. Dentures, where-are-my-glasses-medicines-newspapers, calls to your ex-wife complaining about your heartlessness and inattention... And not at all an idyllic, cheerful old age together.

And you know who will be most grateful to you for your courage? His ex-wife. She was spared the troubles associated with the aging of a loved one. She can allow herself to relax and live in pleasure.

Indivisible half

Since the desire to fall in love has come, fall in love with the free candidate. He has not yet become proficient in the system of circular deception. He will love one woman - you.

And no fruitless expectations, no vain hopes. We fell in love, got married, and live happily!

Alina Malina

Hello, I am 30 years old, I have been married for 3 years. I've had a lover for the last year and a half. We had very strong love, but I could not leave my husband, take this step. The lover could not stand it and left. I'm not proud of all this, but it is what it is. I am torn apart by wild and unbearable pain, I don’t want to live, I don’t see any point in the future. My husband is very good, I’m lucky to have him, but that doesn’t help.

Alina Malina

Hard to say. When we met our lover for the first time, we were both covered by this wave; from the first minute, we couldn’t take our eyes off each other. A year and a half flew by in a blink. The physical intimacy is amazing, like never before with anyone. Beauty, I couldn’t take my eyes off him, he was so beautiful to me, the most beautiful in the world. Smart, erudite, cheerful, very kind, caring... The list goes on for a long time. I can also say a lot of good things about my husband, it’s calm with him, I trust him, I know that he will never betray me, he loves and cares for me very much. But there is no such passion, such attraction as with a lover, and never has been.

Alina Malina

Yes, it turns out that way. I chose peace... Only I will apparently regret my choice all my life, because I cannot exist without a lover. We have a very strong love, he still loves me too. And I’m just living on some kind of automatic machine, there’s a huge gaping wound inside, the pain is unbearable. I don't see the point in anything. And I feel sorry for my husband, he has no idea about anything, he loves me very much. I feel like such a creature.

Alina Malina

Because I’m deceiving my husband, he doesn’t deserve it, he’s a wonderful person, he loves me very much, he tries for me. I sit and cry all day long or stare at one point, but I can’t tell him why this is happening, I have to make it up and say that it’s problems at work and depression. And he consoles me... Oh. All day long I go to my lover’s social media page, see when he was there, who he added. Yesterday I saw that he added as a friend the girl he works with, I know that before meeting me he tried to date her, but we realized that they were different people and remained just friends. But I was very jealous and insisted on stopping their communication, he added her to the black list. But he continued to communicate at work. And so, after breaking up with me, he immediately added her as a friend. Seeing this, I cried all day yesterday and am still on sedatives. I don’t want to live, I can’t imagine him with anyone else, much less with her. It’s like I’m dying every second and I’m surprised that I’m still somehow alive.

Alina Malina

It's hard to say, it's a vague picture. I think we would live together, go on vacation, plan our life together, have children... It’s hard to say what it would be like

Alina Malina

Now it seems to me that he and I would never get bored with each other... It’s hard to imagine, we always had something to talk about, in bed, again, everything is perfect, I’ve never felt so good with anyone. I have never been able to look at anyone with such endless delight as I do at him; for me, he is the most beautiful person I have ever met. I am his first love, he has never met anyone in his life whom he would love, with whom he would like to live, children, everyday life, and this is true.

Alina Malina

What stops me is the fear that things will be worse there than with my current husband. My husband, he is somehow more reliable. I have 100% trust in him, he will never hurt me. But a lover can, he is very emotional and can say a lot of offensive things and do things out of emotion that will hurt me very, very much. For example, get drunk or go for a walk with the girl I mentioned above, knowing full well that for me it’s like a sharp knife. I told him all about this, he told me that if we were together, there would be no women, drinking, etc., he would be there and would never hurt me.

Alina Malina

He is a very emotional person, he lives in extremes. Can change decisions every five minutes and each time sincerely believes that this is the final and most correct decision. I just think that you can’t be one with me in certain conditions and different in others. If you don’t want to hurt your loved one, but you won’t, regardless of whether he’s with you or not

It seems that you subconsciously chose as your lover a person with whom you definitely would not get along if the opportunity presented itself. In this way, your psyche is protected from possible problems due to the search for sexual satisfaction on the side. What kind of sex do you have with your husband? Is everything alright?

I will continue the resulting cycle of lamentations of nameless twenty-nine-year-olds...
My wife Katya and I have been living together for 8 years. We live neither bad nor good. Worse than many, but no worse than some. It seems like we love each other. Have no children. It’s not that we don’t want to, it just didn’t work out somehow. And financially we don’t reach the “middle class”. Anything happened, they quarreled, they swore, they even fought. She went to see her mother, threatened with divorce, they even came to the registry office once... But somehow all the conflicts were mutually extinguished...
In general, we live slowly.
Now, about a year and a half... no, more. Two. Or even half... Two years ago I met Alena. We worked next door. We communicated insofar as. And the more we “insofar” communicated, the more I fell in love with her. Beautiful girl. Not an ideal or a standard, but I fell in love with all her possible minor flaws and they became only advantages. She's only a year younger than me, so that doesn't count. Not married and, it seems, not in a relationship with anyone. Alena just lives and enjoys life! He goes hiking in the mountains, travels with friends to different cities, and plays sports.
At the same time, Alena has a very complex character. More precisely, it is difficult, most likely, only for me. For those to whom she is open, she is the life of the party. No. Too weak a definition... She is the center of the Universe! With those with whom she does not want to communicate... she communicates, cheerfully and openly. And she does this not deceitfully, sincerely, but there is always a feeling that something is wrong...
So for me it became the center of the universe, the meaning of my whole life. Like the classic “he goes down with this name, he gets up with this name.” And I also fell into that category of people with whom she does not want to communicate.
How does a person in love behave? Right. Like an idiot. So I behaved like an idiot. Why "led"? I'm leading. He brought her flowers and apples. postcards, all sorts of stupid little things... Of course, in the end, I began to tire her. She wasn't happy with me anyway. But I still wanted to go to her, I wanted for her.
In general, this is such a strained friendship.
Despite this, she became my dearest and closest person in the whole world...
I confessed to her my feelings for her and my attitude. What should be the reaction of a person who doesn’t care about you? Right. None. I took note. It often happened that I was clearly “fed up” with her, I promised myself not to approach her, not to communicate. But he repeated his mistake again. Sometimes she even came up to chat and again it was as if nothing had happened...
And my brain exploded. The brain didn't know what to do. I even got drunk once, although I don’t drink alcohol at all. Shitty fix. Doesn't help at all.
I quit that job almost a year ago. Sometimes we correspond with Alena on VK. They even became friends, as it is fashionable to say. I tried to convince her that “the love has passed, the tomatoes have wilted,” but she is not a fool either. The general mood of these mini-correspondences was in the same style as before, seemingly friendly, but also tense. Sometimes I visited her at work, and somehow everything was on “friendly ignore.”
Then one day she recently had a bad day... I went to her with my “support” - in the end I received “I don’t want to talk to you”! I deleted her from friends, didn’t answer her phone or text messages... The next day I came to her work - there I received the same thing: “get away from me, I don’t want to talk to you.”
But really, why do I need it...
I got up and left. He left, deciding to forget and cut it off. I deleted all her photos, deleted her phone number and my page on VK, so that there would be no temptation to go to her page, write to her...
So four days passed...
Suddenly she calls me. She was walking past my work and decided to call me to apologize for her behavior. Another proof of the perfection of this little man... The girl calls FIRST to APOLOGIZE!!
We met, chatted for a couple of minutes as always about nothing, and again I got carried away...
Ugly VK, it turns out, can still show a user’s page, even if you are not registered in it.
I deleted the phone number from my address book, but not from my brain, which had learned 11 numbers like a mantra. Moreover, sneaky Google restored the recording in the phone without asking.
A few days later I accidentally met her on the street. We chatted a little and Alena made me understand that I was intrusive and not pleasant to her. Immediately, without saying goodbye, I disappeared.
The next day I sent her a “control” SMS “hello, how are you doing” - and received a “hello okay” in response. Again, again she didn’t write “fuck off, you asshole, you’re sick of me.” I would be much more happy about this.
I think we need to conduct a “confrontation”. I want to come to her and put her before a choice, either she sends me far away and for a long time, or peace, friendship, chewing gum.
Of course I want the second option, but I’m even more afraid of it. What am I going to do with it...
The first option is more correct. But it's hard to live with. She will not go anywhere from her head and heart. In addition, most likely, sooner or later I will lose my temper and write to her “hello, how are you doing” and in response I will again receive “hello okay.”
But, most likely, she will avoid a direct answer. It will be neither here nor there. Everything will hang again. Although I myself understand that the situation is leaning toward “fuck off.” But men in love are stupid. They don't take hints. Even very opaque ones. You need to send it loudly and in direct text. You can even hit him in the face. MAYBE it will come then, although there is no guarantee...
And now I’m sitting and looking at her new photo - I updated it yesterday. I look at her photos every day. And I restrain myself not to write it. She didn’t respond to this morning’s “good morning”... And I also dreamed about her today. I often dream about Alena...
What about the wife? I... probably love Katya. Or maybe not. Maybe this is the same habit. Elementary, habit, Nadezhda (c). I also often think that I just feel sorry for her... I don’t know. But I don’t feel those feelings, and especially the same strength as for Alena, for her. And now, during a quarrel, I kick her out to my mother and I drag her to the registry office. After. Of course, I regret it... Or maybe not.
Does anyone have a blinker like the Men in Black?

I love one - I live with another. How to live? What to do? What should I do?

Over the past six months I have been asking myself this question very often. How to live? What to do? What should I do?
I love one - I live with another. How to put everything in its place? How can I tell a person that I don’t love him and don’t want to live with him? How difficult it is, after living together for 14 years. I never thought it would be so difficult.
I don't want to hurt him, but I hurt myself.I want to start a new life - with the one I love, but this is impossible now.Why is fate so cruel? Why do I need all this?

And it all started many years ago. I was 13-14, he was 17-18. We were just friends, chatting, hanging out. We didn't even kiss then. He was so sweet, and I really liked him back then. Then he went into the army for two years (1991-1993), and I waited for him. I gave him my address, but he never wrote to me from the army. But I still waited.
Then He returned from the army, we met again. I loved Him very much then, but, probably, We were young and did not understand the price that we now have to pay.
He kissed and hugged me. I felt very good with him. Sometimes it seemed like it was forever.
Everything was not very simple. We lived in different cities. My grandmother lives where He lived. I came often and we were together.
This went on for two years. I knew that He had no one but me. I happily came, and we walked at night, and in the morning He went to work. I still remember His hands, His lips. We talked about life, about the future. We made plans.
His mother didn’t like our relationship, she was afraid that I would take Him to my city.
One day, I arrived and saw Him with another girl. As it turned out later, they had nothing. Only at that moment it just hit me. I felt so hurt and upset. I did not listen to His explanations and justifications. I didn’t even let Him say a word. Jealousy and the feeling that I was betrayed were stronger. I just went home and decided that I would forget Him.
A few months later I got married in my city. She just married her husband. Then it seemed to me that I loved him. Or maybe it didn’t seem like it, maybe she loved her, it’s hard to judge now.
Very often, living in a legal marriage, I remembered Him. I knew everything about Him. I knew that He was looking for me, but all my relatives were forbidden to give my address. I didn't want to see Him. I didn't want to forgive.
During my marriage, I had two daughters. There seemed to be a normal relationship with my husband. And they quarreled and made up, like everyone else. She even left her husband and then returned.
I knew that He got married and had a son.
Years passed and I forgave Him. I really wanted to be with Him, but it was too late.
I have a family, He has a family.
We didn’t communicate, but I couldn’t forget Him.

Years passed. 13 years have passed since then.
And so, in December 2009, He came to my Odnoklassniki page, wrote me a message, and I answered.
At first we just talked about different topics, told each other about life. Then we started communicating on Skype. He gave me his phone number, and I gave Him mine.
He was the first to congratulate me on March 8th. I was very pleased.
In my soul I understood that nothing could happen, but my heart said the opposite.
Then he said that all this time he loved only me. That he doesn’t love his wife and lives only for the sake of his children.
I also had this feeling, since I haven’t loved my husband for a long time, and maybe I never loved him. Although she never cheated on her husband.
He spoke a lot of beautiful words. We remembered our relationship with him.
It seemed to me that this was a fairy tale, but I really wanted to plunge into this fairy tale again.
I wanted to meet Him, talk in real life, look him in the eye.
After our parting with Him, I almost didn’t come to my grandmother. More precisely, I was there a couple of times with my husband and children.
I knew that He no longer lived there, but lived with his wife and children in another city, but often came there to visit his mother.
And so, in May 2010, I plucked up courage - and, with the children, without my husband, I went to my grandmother. I didn’t count on anything and didn’t hope that I would see Him.
But fate decreed differently.
On May 8, he came with his wife and children to his mother. He happened to see me near the yard, but didn’t get out of the car or come over. I saw Him too, but did not show that we knew each other.
I was hurt and offended that He didn’t come.
Then my sister and I drank vodka and beer and went to bed. And at night my sister woke me up and told me to go outside, that they had come to see me. Even when I was awake I couldn’t understand what she wanted. But she went outside.
His car was parked there.
As it turned out, He took his wife home and arrived.
I got dressed, and He and I rode all night. We talked about life.
Why did He come?
Two days later, I returned home to my city with the children, but since then I can’t help but think about him.
I understand that I don't want to live with my husband anymore. That I want a new life.
Even if I’m not with Him, I want to leave my husband. I don’t know how to do this.
Then we met with Him several more times. I feel so good with him. And Him with me.
Intellectually, I understand that He is unlikely to leave his wife, even if he does not love her. Besides, He never promised me this. Even though he said that he wanted to be with me.But the heart says the opposite. I can't turn on a clear head.
I can't look at my husband. I constantly think about Him and about divorcing my husband.I'm constantly looking for a reason to leave.
I know you can’t love someone else’s husband, but what can I do, maybe this is fate? After all, for some reason, after so many years, Our paths crossed again.

vera1977 (Ukraine)