Trusting your husband after his betrayal: is there a guarantee against relapse? In my psychologist’s office, the question is heard every day: “Do you think, after my husband’s betrayal and reconciliation with him, can I be sure that we have truly saved the family forever? Is there any guarantee that my husband understood everything, drew the right conclusions for himself and will never hurt me again by cheating or leaving the family?”

As an experienced and honest specialist, I upset women by telling them that, unfortunately, there is no one hundred percent guarantee against repeated infidelity. I will say more: in my practice, hundreds of times it happened that infidelity was committed by the very women who, having gone through the betrayal of their husband and returning him to the family according to my methods, who took oaths of eternal fidelity from him, months or years later they themselves were caught in their own treason. And their own shocked husbands came to me for consultation. And it also happened many times that even in the process of reconciling a couple, where the husband had been unfaithful, and the wife angrily branded him “cobelism and invincibility,” it suddenly turned out that she herself had a lover, and her own relationship arose even earlier than the relationship husband

Thus, without firm guarantees against female infidelity, it is difficult for me to promise someone protection from repeated male infidelity. Moreover, considering the fact that in the brains of sexually active men, in principle, there are no protective devices against female sexual manipulation. Nature simply did not provide for them. Because if men had the gift of calmly observing how interesting women make sexual appeals specifically to them, then humanity would have died out long ago.

However, without at least some hopes for a bright future, a person cannot live, will not have the motivation to keep his family together, and will not be able to communicate correctly. So what can we advise those women who, having saved their family after infidelity, and for this purpose, even having crossed their principles somewhere, still strive to understand: “Is there any hope for eliminating relapses of infidelity on the part of the husband, and if so, then what exactly?” does this need to be done in the family? Is it possible to trust that cheating husband who seems to have declared that he wants to save the family? How long can its correctness be enough?

I answer as clearly as the question was clearly formulated. Moreover, the scheme in this case is simple. To paraphrase the well-known saying that “everything ingenious is simple!”, I will say this:

Everything ingenious is simple!

Everything genital is as simple as shelling pears!”

You will see this for yourself now. According to my professional observations, the formula for trusting a man is as follows:

“The presence of past infidelities + The duration of the revealed love affair + The volume of the husband’s financial investment in his mistress + The completeness of repentance and separation from his mistress + the man’s absence of harmful addictions + the correctness of the wife’s behavior after reconciliation with her husband + the presence of large joint goals in the family + transparency of the spouses’ lives + completeness mutual control of spouses.

Now I will decipher this formula.

- “The presence of past infidelities.” If this is not the first time your husband has been caught cheating, it is quite obvious that he will have much less faith than if this were the first and only episode in the history of your marriage. If your husband systematically gives you reasons for jealousy, you don’t need to have any special illusions: if according to the following criteria everything is sad, you can forget about the guarantees of a calm family life.

- “The duration of the identified love affair.” If your husband’s “left” relationship was of a one-time nature (such as sex on a business trip or drunk at a corporate party or at a friends’ dacha) or lasted only a few months, then there is a great hope that this relationship itself will be broken off forever, and your husband himself will not managed to get used to regularly leading a “double” life. If the betrayal has lasted for a year, or even several years, then everything is much worse. Firstly, from the point of view of a family psychologist

Long-term betrayal is essentially a second family,

that is, in essence, a secret civil marriage.

Accordingly, it is very difficult to break off such a relationship, which is filled not only with sex, but also with travel, communication, plans, mutual care and the same mutual obligations. And no matter how the husband caught red-handed declares his readiness to “forget everything in the interests of preserving the legal family,” I personally always warn wives that the possibility of restoring this connection may not last for several years. That is, until the woman-lover herself marries and/or gives birth to another man. Thus, she will lose her feminine motive for restoring communication with your husband. But, if she cannot get married or this marriage turns out to be unsuccessful for her, clouds may again gather over your family. That is why, in especially severe cases (with a high threat of relapse), I directly advise wives to find an opportunity to move with their husband returned to the family to other cities, regions or even countries. Or develop schemes on how to profitably marry off your ex-lover. Or use other methods.

Secondly, the principles of the conditioned reflex of Pavlov’s dog have not yet been canceled. A man who, over many years, has become accustomed to a secret life and receiving sexual pleasures in precisely this nerve-wracking format, will most likely strive to restore such a familiar and comfortable way of life for his pride, simply changing his left girlfriends, ruthlessly betraying his wife and changing “exposed ” at someone else. Once started, the cyclical carousel usually stops after 45-50 years, when a man’s libido begins to gradually decrease and his brain finally matures.

Increasing a man's family decency

usually coincides with a decrease in its potency.

Therefore, when it is clearly known that the husband’s love affair on the side lasted three to five years, there are usually no easy victories. Except in those cases when the wife’s side is objectively the mistress herself, whose patience has run out and who herself harshly rejected the lover who was rushing between the women in a panic and who was unable to immediately choose one of them. If a long-term mistress in every possible way emphasizes her readiness to wait at least until retirement (especially now noticeably delayed) and accept a man returning to the family at any time, it is very difficult to talk about a great credit of trust in such a husband. Here you need an eye and an eye.

- “The amount of financial investment of the husband in his mistress.” If, having learned about her husband’s infidelity, the wife also revealed the notorious “elements of the sweet life”, i.e. his significant expenses for this relationship (expensive gifts, foreign travel, payment for expensive plastic surgery and elite fitness, donated cars and assistance in purchasing housing, etc.), one must soberly understand: the man himself will be very sorry to lose his investments and his It will be psychologically very difficult for a mistress to part with such a generous sponsor, who has made life noticeably easier and more prosperous.

Generous men do not wallow.

They lie in the beds of those women in whom they invest money.

Former generous men who have already been milked are lying on the road.

Therefore, knowing that the husband generously invested in his mistress, the wife should be prepared for a very long and careful observation of his behavior after returning to the family. Because:

A woman is able to refuse communication with a generous man

only having met either an even more generous man, or the same one,

but who is either not married or leaves his wife more quickly.

- “Fullness of repentance and parting with his mistress.” If, after discovering his wife’s infidelity, a man quickly made a fundamental decision, quickly informed his mistress about the final break in the relationship, and also quickly radically rearranged his life schedule in such a way as to completely exclude both personal contacts with her and telephone communication on any occasion, then For the wife this is good news. Such men, most often, in fact, make the right family conclusions in the future and remain faithful to their wife. If a man repeated for weeks and months like a mantra that he was “confused” and rushed between women, if he continued to work together with his mistress or began to creatively find any “things” and reasons to communicate with her (such as help, counseling, etc.) etc.), if he never told his wife the details of the relationship and did not reveal the identity of his mistress, many such men are a “time bomb” that very often explodes again and again. And the wife’s battle for her husband flares up again and again, and each battle that seems “general” and “brilliant” to the wife again turns out (based on the aphorism of this article), alas, again to be regular and genital. So please note:

The completeness of future trust depends on the completeness of past repentance.

- “A man has no harmful addictions.” Everything is simple here. Alcoholics, drug addicts and gambling addicts, i.e. men who are unable to properly control their emotions and actions cannot guarantee that their marital position is firm. And after drinking alcohol, such men often “break down” and begin calling and writing emotional love messages to their “ex.” Or, when drunk, he leaves his wife for his former lovers, and when he comes to his senses, he returns back to his wife in shame and begs for another forgiveness. Men without harmful addictions, although they can also relapse, nevertheless do this much less often.

— “The correct behavior of a wife after reconciliation with her husband.” If the wife, considering it right for herself to ask and return her cheating husband to the family, did five things:

— she analyzed her mistakes as a woman well and managed to correct them;

— provided her husband with high-quality sex, interesting communication, delicious food and home comfort, shared his hobbies with him and got along with his environment;

- managed to become a truly attractive woman (and not just to please herself and her close friends);

— she did not humiliate herself, showed firmness and was able to force her husband to repent and give guarantees of his fidelity in the future;

— created a psychologically easy atmosphere in the family by not reproaching her husband for the mistakes he had made in the past.

...then the husband will most likely receive in the family exactly what he was looking for on the side. If the wife was unable to implement any of this, the husband may again begin to look to the left...

- “The presence of large joint goals in the family.” It is not enough to save the family and defend it from the contenders. It's important to save it for something. I emphasize, not only for someone - meaning the interests of material support for the wife and children herself, but also for something. The family as a whole, that is, both spouses, should have some big joint goals and plans for the years ahead. If tactful plans were developed and accepted by both partners, or the wife not only shared her husband’s plans, but was also involved in their active implementation, then the husband will clearly remain faithful and can be trusted. Because by betraying his wife, he will thereby betray his own interests. Smart men usually don’t make such mistakes. If there is a void in the joint goals of the family, or the wife does not share the truly significant goals of her husband, it is pointless to talk about trust. The husband will still look for a soul mate on the side and, most likely, will find it. Or the one that seems like it.

— “Transparency in the lives of spouses.” After the spouses reconcile, it is important for them to synchronize their lives, arrange their work and leisure schedules with an emphasis on maximum collaboration and transparency. Codd's spouses always know who is doing what, with whom they communicate, how much they earn, where they spend their money, and - most importantly, they strive to be together as much as possible.

If you wish, you can be close to a loved one from a distance,

if you don’t want to, you can be distant from each other, lying in the same bed.

Only complete transparency helps create the very feeling of trust and is the shortest road to mutual trust in a couple.

— “Complete mutual control of spouses.” Here we are talking about the fact that spouses have every right to call each other at any time (preferably via video call), use each other’s mobile phones, tablets and computers, know the passwords for all accounts on each other’s social networks, etc. If, after the husband’s betrayal and reconciliation, the husband and wife gave each other such a right, trust almost always returns, and relapses of infidelity are extremely rare. If the spouses have not received such a right and there is still a “gray zone” in their communication, then the most notorious “personal space”, sooner or later infidelity will come again. It is important to understand: from the opaque “gray zone” in life to the “black hole” in relationships is one step.

Personal space in the family is a “black hole”

which will gradually destroy first mutual trust

between spouses, and then the family itself.

Now you know the formula, which has as many as nine terms. I cannot cover the entire infinite fullness of life, but I can say that in those couples where there is a positive situation in at least six of the nine terms, most often the spouses successfully restore both the family and trust in the family, and betrayal will not happen to them in the future. If the negative situation turns out to be more than three terms, trust is restored over time and with difficulty, and the risks of relapse are, unfortunately, high.

All nine points are very important. But the following are especially important:

— Completeness of repentance and parting with his mistress

— The man does not have harmful addictions

— Correct behavior of a wife after reconciliation with her husband

— Transparency in the lives of spouses

— Completeness of mutual control of spouses.

These points are usually the key ones. It is on them that a woman needs to concentrate, it is in them that she should achieve complete victory.

If this article is read by a woman who, fortunately, has escaped the situation of her husband’s infidelity, taking these factors into account can help build family life in such a way that there will never be any infidelity at all. Preemptive actions are always more effective than subsequent ones. This principle has not been canceled.

I speak in more detail about the topics raised in this article in such books as “How to strengthen your marriage”, “Familyquakes”, “If your husband cheated or left, and you want to return him back to the family”, “Quarrels over sex” . I highly recommend you read them.

If you need the help of a psychologist in overcoming a crisis in your family life, I will be happy to try to help you during a personal or remote online consultation. The terms of consultation are described on my website. On it you can find my books and articles that may be useful for improving your life. Sign up for a consultation by phone: +79266335200.

Sincerely, psychologist, professor Andrey Zberovsky.

The betrayal of a loved one touches to the very core. Many women are faced with the fact of betrayal. Everyone approaches this differently. But there is practically no one who will be indifferent to such a situation. It is important to remember that no matter how painful it is, you can survive everything and start living again.

Should I forgive my husband's betrayal?

This is a very controversial issue. There can be no advice here. Whether or not to forgive betrayal is up to you to decide.

The first reaction, as a rule, is to cross out everything that happened and kick the husband out of the house, forgetting him forever. This behavior is understandable and somewhat justified, but it is not the best option. Women are overly emotional creatures. There is a high probability that a few days after an angry breakup, you will want to see your husband, talk, and you will begin to get bored.

You definitely need to talk to your spouse, no matter how unpleasant and painful this topic is. Try to understand his motives, find out why he did this.

It may be that you began to neglect yourself, stopped paying attention to your loved one, and got bogged down in everyday routine. Understand that everything has a root cause, it needs to be found out. Another important point will be how much the spouse regrets his actions. Evaluate his readiness to break off the relationship with his mistress (if it was long-term) and the actions he takes to reconcile with you.

The best advice would be to try to calm down as much as possible and not make any drastic decisions until you cool down a little. This takes time, you need to be prepared for it. Your adequate and balanced reaction will be a big plus and will earn respect from your husband. You may need to take a time out and go somewhere for a week to analyze well and draw adequate conclusions. It’s just very important that you don’t go to your mom or friends for this, and don’t let strangers in on your family difficulties until a final decision is made.

How to restore trust after your husband cheats

If you decide to stay together and maintain the relationship, then be prepared that it will take time to get over everything. Be sure to honestly and calmly share this with your husband. There is no need to reproach him and continue to sort things out. Explain to him that his understanding, attention and care are very important to you now.

For the first time, you can ask your spouse to call you more often, tell you about his whereabouts during the day, and say more pleasant words. Just inform him about this unobtrusively, there is no need for an accusatory or commanding tone. Ask to delete all possible contacts with your mistress. Explain how important this is to you. If you decide to start all over again, then there should be no room for reproaches.

Interesting!

A great option would be a joint romantic vacation. A pleasant atmosphere, new emotions, spending time together - all this brings you closer and allows you to look at each other in a new way.

If you can’t go somewhere, then try to spend more time together in everyday life. Instead of a standard dinner at home, eat in a cozy restaurant. Walk together more often, try to make more contact, communicate, talk. You need to become interesting to each other again. Remember how it all began, what you were like. Getting bogged down in the everyday moments of family life, we often forget about those pleasant emotions with which it all began, but it is so important to maintain them, even years later.

How to get rid of the fear that cheating will happen again

To think less about possible betrayal, you need to occupy yourself with something and distract your thoughts. There are many ways to do this: work, sports, self-care, a new hobby, meeting friends, etc.

It is important to start improving yourself and stop filling your head with obsessive thoughts. Start developing, read books, do yoga. The most important thing is to start working with your self-esteem, which is traumatized after betrayal. The change in image lifts her up beautifully.

Try to plan your day as productively as possible so that you always have time for yourself. Start appreciating, loving and caring for yourself. A well-groomed woman who knows her worth will always be interesting to her husband. When he sees your self-sufficiency and confidence, he will not want to look at other girls.

Read more books. Good and varied literature will make you more spiritually developed, you will become an interesting conversationalist, you will always be able to maintain a conversation and tell something new. Development should be both external and internal. The more you invest in yourself, the higher your value becomes, primarily for yourself.

If you are unable to cope with your emotions and nothing helps, then consult a psychologist. The help of a professional will be useful in a difficult situation and will help you cope with mental pain faster.

There are techniques and practices aimed at working through and correctly experiencing emotions in order to subsequently let them go and forget them. If necessary, you can go to the appointment together with your husband. Just gently ask him about it and explain the importance of this for you without an accusatory tone. A partner who is interested and wants to restore the family will definitely make concessions.

In any case, it is important to realize that only working on yourself and your worldview will help you survive everything. Constantly replaying a painful situation, spying on your husband, and eternal suspicion will not change anything positively, but, on the contrary, will make you nervous, restless and suspicious.

At first, the husband will endure all this out of guilt, but sooner or later he will begin to get tired of this and move away. Understand that you cannot be insured against everything in this life; anything can happen. But this does not mean at all that you need to wait for negative events to repeat. This may never happen at all, and a lot of effort, energy and time will be wasted on excessive suspicion and nerves.

Video on the topic

Hello, dear friends!

Not only psychologists, but also married couples are convinced: trust is the key to happiness in a relationship! But if you systematically expect a trick or a knife in the back, then you are guaranteed a nervous breakdown or stress! Trust is a very fragile thing, which is much more valuable than a crystal vase that can be glued together.

One careless step undermines a bridge that took years to build. And then we run in tears to our friends and psychologists shouting: “Help, I don’t believe him!” What to do in this case? How to learn to trust your husband again?

Reasons for mistrust

If you can't trust your crush, there's a reason for it. There are several provocateurs that aggravate the situation. It is especially difficult to change your approach to a problem when the previous relationship experience was negative. Under what circumstances is it extremely difficult to trust your loved one?

Past - present

Being disappointed in a person once can result in serious mental trauma for the remaining years. Have you already been married and it broke up after he cheated? Did you have to expose the “double game”?

Negative experiences can destroy the present and completely occupy consciousness. The female inner “I” does not calm down even at the moment when the spouse demonstrates exemplary behavior and devotion! On this basis, many conflicts are born, the main cause of which is the woman’s mental trauma.

“I’m not vindictive, I just have a good memory!”

A common reason for mistrust is hidden behind banal memory. For example, a husband stumbled and, humiliating his dignity, cheated on his chosen one. Time passed, the situation was experienced and forgiven. But the opportunity to forget what happened does not yet exist, which means subconsciously you will wait for a relapse.

Low self-esteem

Most often, the problem surfaces during maternity leave. The woman devotes all her free time to the baby and solving everyday issues. A couple of extra kilos appear, hair roots have grown and a tired look appears. The husband continues to lead his usual lifestyle and, going to a work corporate party in all his glory, provokes several reasons for mistrust in himself. Complexes, fears and worries lead to conflicts.

Lack of self-confidence

How can you trust your husband if you can’t trust yourself? Are you reluctant to flirt with your neighbor or colleague? Chatting with your ex and looking for an excuse to have a cup of coffee with him? Why? Firstly, this is a way to increase self-esteem, and secondly, maybe you are counting on continuing the relationship or changing your partner?

The woman does not exclude a similar scenario for the development of the plot from her partner. Who does he have lunch with at work and why does his neighbor smile so sweetly at him? This is not a complete list of reasons for mistrust. How to get rid of them by learning to believe in your loved one with all your soul and heart? What do the psychologist’s advice “say” in this case?

Recovery process

Internal state of a woman

Women's suspicion is fraught with unpleasant, and most often, undeserved accusations. Psychologists characterize such conditions as a sign of an anxious personality. In this case, a person sees the world through the prism of personal fears and worst dreams! He imagines betrayal, provocations and treachery. , having stopped beating yourself up?

1. Be friendly;
2. separate fiction from reality;
3. trust only facts, not false beliefs;
4. do not share family problems with friends or parents, otherwise you risk being “screwed up” from the outside;
5. if in doubt, ask! An honest answer is better than fantasy;
6. exclude accusations of treason without evidence (especially the humorous form);
7. just trust and don’t check your phone;
8. show care and respect, not bitchiness and conflict;
9. Talk heart to heart about feelings more often.

Thorough Analysis

You can show distrust of your husband in various ways, but finding the root of the problem is much more important than eliminating the symptom. Do you not believe in your chosen one because you are convinced of his failure?

In this example, fact means that you want to appear better by demonstrating superiority. Think about why you need this? If, nevertheless, we are talking about the fear of betrayal, expressed in nervous jealousy, determine the chain of thoughts. What is the meaning behind the phrase “I am afraid that he will cheat on me!”?:

1. fear of being left alone and raising children;
2. worrying about feeling the pain again;
3. reluctance to face betrayal, etc.

Think about what will happen if this happens? When you reach the final ring of experiences and open it, the real cause of mistrust may be low self-esteem, fear of loneliness or personal insecurity.

• If you cannot cheat, end the relationship, especially if there are children in the family. They don’t need to hear systematic proceedings and attempts to “glue the vase together”;
• keep busy, then you will have no time to think about your husband’s potential betrayal (work, gym, hobby);
• raise your self-esteem! Take out the dusty awards and diplomas and hang them in a visible place. Place stickers around the apartment with the inscriptions “I am a happy wife”, “successful person”, etc.;

• conduct relaxation sessions (bath with herbs, beauty treatments) - everything that makes you feel beautiful;
• stop nagging your husband and blaming him for universal cataclysms. This will not end well, but it will noticeably decrease;
• Live life to the fullest without dwelling on potential dangers! Go to meetings with friends, to theaters and cinema. No matter how many years you have been married, strive to be an interesting conversationalist, a caring wife and a realist! Leave your imagination for the TV series!

That's it!

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