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Why we do this:
This is a natural reaction of the body. For a certain time, this was your closest person, you got used to sharing everything with him - photos from the fitting room, feelings about the new team, funny memes from the Internet, impressions of the movie you watched...
Neuroscientist Rhonda Freeman conducted a whole study on how breakups affect different parts of our brain. The reward system (which, by the way, is also responsible for addiction to alcohol or drugs) creates the feeling that after a breakup you need a “cure”, which is what your ex seems to be. To quickly fill the hole in your heart and satisfy the needs of your brain, you start calling and texting him a hundred times a day. Like, “Hey, I went to buy a new set of underwear, which one do you like best?” And he answered you: “How to cook those delicious cutlets that you always made for me for lunch?” No no and one more time no!
Why not:
This is a fairly obvious rule, and this advice will be given to you by anyone with even a little knowledge of relationships and psychology. Of course, you can resume contact after a month, three, or a year, but not immediately after the breakup.
Firstly, we have already said that these attempts to communicate are similar to alcohol or drug addiction. No one gets drunk four times a week, right?
Secondly, many studies confirm that people who limit contact with their exes recover faster after a breakup.
Thirdly, if you constantly write to your ex, you give the impression of a poor, unhappy and needy woman. Do you want to evoke pity?
Finally, as self-development consultant Mark Manson writes, the more you communicate with your ex, the higher the risk of ending up in this situation after some time: “We’re not together, but we’re kind of together, no, we’re definitely not a couple. I'll just call him and find out how he's doing. But we’re not together, don’t look at me like that!” And in this situation, what are your chances of finding new love? (And even return the old one?)
What to do:
Family psychologist Kevin Thompson insists that a separated couple needs to go through a “non-contact” period - quarantine, which lasts at least a month. If your ex keeps texting you, explain your position to him. Say that you need time and space to be alone (this is your official status now, after all). But don't explain more than three times: if your wishes are not respected, just ignore the messages. If you and you have six children together, then communicate only about these very children - no discussions of new relationships and your experiences. Same thing if you work or study together: keep all discussions business-oriented.
2. Offer to remain friends
Why we do this:
For about the same reasons why we bombard our exes with hundreds of messages, photos and calls - we are not ready to immediately let this person out of our lives. Anthropologist Helen Fisher asked 15 people who had just experienced a breakup to undergo an experiment. She put the poor guys into an MRI machine (we have a picture for you of how cozy it is) and showed two photographs - of the person who abandoned them, and of anyone else. Then the brain images were compared, and it turned out that when they saw their former lover, the brains of the volunteers behaved exactly like the brains of drug addicts in the end.
The motivation for “friendship” can also be the fact that this way you can always be aware of events. What, some new girl likes his posts? You are friends now, you can ask who she is and what connects them. You can track his movements and know everything that happens to him... It’s a little creepy, don’t you think?
Why not:
Isn't it enough for you? Okay, here's some more scientific proof. The University of Connecticut conducted a study on friendships between men and women and, in particular, between former lovers. Although they will never stop, scientists have found that the quality is much higher than that of the “friendly” relationship that can be built with an ex. Exes are less supportive, help less, don’t understand and generally don’t really care about their “new friends,” no matter how much you might want the opposite.
Psychologist Roy Baumeister of the University of Florida says, “Offering to remain friends may help the person who initiated the breakup absolve themselves of some of the blame, but it is not helpful for the person being dumped. Such a covert attempt to relieve the pain may provide hope for a renewed relationship, which in turn will slow down both partners.”
What to do:
No one is saying that you can never, ever be friends - just not now. Again, ask for time to sort out your own feelings and come to your senses. Relationship coach Susan J. Elliot recommends examining the motivations behind the "stay friends" proposal. You don't want to lose this person because he's so wonderful? “It's selfish and dishonest. Let your partner heal their wounds. It's not fair to tie someone to you as a "friend" simply because you can't handle the pain or the prospect of letting them go, says Elliott. If you just don’t know how to put an end to it and are friends with everyone you’ve ever met (and even just walked with), then have a good trip. Well, if it’s not you, and your ex doesn’t know how to say goodbye to people, then don’t let him manipulate, keep you on a short leash and make you feel guilty. You absolutely shouldn't impress him with your ability to be friends after a breakup. If you don't want to be friends, that's okay. Just say no and move on. Because you don't know yet when you can answer yes.
3. Blame yourself for everything
Why we do this:
As Diana Arbenina sings, “There are exactly two to blame,” and we cannot but agree with her. But after a breakup, you’re tempted to put all the blame on yourself and plunge into the abyss of self-flagellation! We live in a culture that, from childhood (for some reason), instills in us the belief that we are good and worthy of respect only when we are in a relationship with someone. If we are lonely, then that means there is something wrong with us.
Why not:
Lauren Howe and Carol Dweck of Stanford University note that people can be divided into two categories: those with fixed attitudes and those with changing ones. The first tend to think that the breakup occurred because they were not smart enough, attractive, purposeful, sexy, and so on. The latter think differently - drawing a lesson from the failure for the future: “Next time I will not control my partner so much,” “I will not rush to find out that he/she is definitely ready.” Everyone, of course, is free to do as he wants, but only scientists say that people with fixed attitudes risk associating a break with (and this is not always true) and continue to grieve over the broken trough for years. Some study participants took more than five years to get over their breakup (and time flies!).
What to do:
You need to try very hard to change your attitudes and move from eating your own brain and digging in the past to constructive thoughts about the future. This does not work right away, in the most acute phase - let at least a little time pass, let yourself calm down. If time has already passed and you feel sufficiently strong, then you can think about what in your behavior gave rise to problems or prevented their resolution. Draw conclusions and move on.
If “learning lessons” doesn’t seem even a little realistic, then perhaps you should turn your guilt into anger. Clinical psychologist Suzanne Lachmann says anger is part of the grief process. If you are angry, then you are on the road to recovery, but guilt constantly drives you in circles. You think about what has already happened and what cannot be changed. Be angry with yourself, be angry with him, be angry with the fact that you ruined everything (but it’s better still with him - it’s biased, but it’s more useful for your psychological rehabilitation!). Along with the anger will come a feeling of relief.
4. Idealize the ended relationship
Why we do this:
Because the grass is greener on the other side. While you were in a relationship, you may have been irritated by everything from the way he snores or slurps to the way he interacts with your dog. You wanted freedom, and now you got it. And now you want it back, you want what now does not belong to you. Oh, those forbidden fruits.
Why not:
Idealization is inextricably linked with nostalgia: we remember the days when we first met, joyful moments, ... And we so want to return to these good old days, but philosopher Aaron Ben-Zeev, author of the book In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and Its Victims, emphasizes that nostalgia in the psychological sense is one of the types of melancholy into which we hardly want to plunge. The more we look into the past and think about what is no longer and will not be, the further we push back real prospects. Besides, if everything in your relationship really was so perfect, then now you would be lying in an embrace with your boyfriend, and not with ice cream.
What to do:
Psychologist Jill P. Weber, who specializes in recovery from separation or divorce, advises focusing on yourself, your own feelings and your sadness. Idealizing past relationships, just like demonizing your ex, distracts you from your own experiences and delays the healing process. Instead, sit down and write down how you feel, write down facts about your role and your partner's role in the relationship, figure out what really happened and what you need to grieve over.
5. Trying to fix everything
Why we do this:
Karen Salmansohn, a self-help author, admits that we often stay in unhealthy, failing relationships simply because meeting new people is worse and scarier. We love what is familiar to us, so after a breakup we really want to return everything back.
Well, also because we watched series like Sex and the City. If Chuck and Blair spent so many seasons breaking up, making up, breaking up, and eventually getting married and living happily ever after, then why are we any worse?
Why not:
You were already together, and something went wrong. And “wrong” to such an extent that you decided to take a radical step - to hurt the person closest to you and yourself and break up. Really, if your problems and disagreements were so easily resolved, would you have come to this?
If the idea to fix everything came to your mind and you invite your boyfriend to start over with a clean slate, then most likely he will send you away (politely and/or far away). If your ex decided to break up, then that means he also decided that it would be better for him. He knows very well that you are hurt, so trying to win him back will only cause pity.
Unfortunately, people do not change, much less change in a few days or weeks. If you get together again, all the old problems will immediately come up, only now the memory of the breakup will hang in both of your heads.
What to do:
Don't turn yourself into a doormat and don't allow your self-esteem to be stepped on by promising to correct all your mistakes and become the perfect girl, writes psychologist Kevin Thompson. You will not be happy in such a relationship. You have already broken up, this cannot be fixed. Accept it and try to learn from it. You can even promise yourself that after some time you will try to improve everything, but until then you will become stronger and better. If you really take care of your feelings and yourself, then by that time you will have already recovered from your past relationship and will understand the futility of resuming it (well, if you want it that way, then you and your boyfriend will be Chuck and Blair in the flesh - are you happy?).
6. Jump straight into a new relationship
Why we do this:
If you went on Tinder immediately after a breakup and made several dates during the week, chances are good that you're about to get into a "compensation" or "transit" relationship. This is a way to forget, to take revenge, to feel desired. Of course, a new connection can develop into true love (you never know), but few people succeed in this way.
Why not:
In addition to all those reasons, in a “transit” relationship there is a very high risk of developing only greater dependence on the ex. Surprised? Scientists from the University of Toronto conducted a study and concluded that people who had failed new relationships ended up feeling even more attracted to their ex. The thing is, if you go into a relationship still grieving over the past, then you simply won't be able to invest in it. Accordingly, we shouldn’t count on a full-fledged new relationship either: the more we think that our needs can be satisfied by the ex, the less we rely on the new partner for this. And after another disappointment, you will only want more and more to return to the old, so familiar and idealized relationship.
What to do:
Grieve. Wait to rush into a new relationship until you feel that you have already let go of your ex and your resentment, pain, anger, and longing. Take care of yourself for now: if you lose weight, get pumped up, learn to dance or learn a new foreign language, then finding a new fan will be easier than now, while you walk around crying and with a makeup bag in your bag. You can set a certain time limit for yourself, after which you will return to the game.
Question for a psychologist:
Hello. We dated the young man for almost six months. For four months the relationship was wonderful, we went shopping together, went to another city for a couple of days, spent all our free time at lunch or in the evening together. There was a great attraction for each other. Respect, trust, feelings. In terms of intimacy, he waited for me for several months. Otherwise, we could just sleep next to each other and feel like family. We started thinking about the future, about the family. Then one day I got upset with him for no reason and he ignored me for a week. Then I went to another city for two weeks. We talked on Skype, but not so often because he was busy. When I arrived, we spent the evening together, still the same dear, hugging me as if I was all he had, talking about the future. He began to feel overwhelmed at work and started going to football games instead of work, and he began to call and write less often. Then he disappeared completely. When I wrote to him, he said that there was a lot of work and there was no time for anything. Since we work almost together, I know that there was really a lot of work. But the fact that he didn’t call or write killed me. I started asking if he had broken up with me, he said no, he was just torn. Two weeks passed like this. Then I couldn’t stand it and wrote that I was tired, that he was avoiding, that I missed him. That we only saw each other once in a month. To which he replied that we need to remain friends, because he doesn’t want to torment me with the fact that he doesn’t have time for me. I asked him if he needed me, he replied that no, for about two weeks already. Then he wrote that he felt good with me, but didn’t want me to suffer and that’s why he was leaving. I'm shocked. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that a loved one would abandon me like that... And it’s not clear why... A person who always took care of me, just as I took care of him. Helped my parents with renovations. Introduced me to all my friends.. How to survive this.. I don’t understand where the feelings went. I would really like him to come back, but I think it’s best to forget him, just how. I've met many guys, but I've never had such a relationship, even with the one I dated for 5 years. I put all of myself into this relationship and it was mutual. How to find strength in yourself? How to understand all this? And most importantly, how to continue working with him? I often need his help, since the work is sometimes joint. Just the voice and name alone makes me want to cry. I understand that it will get easier over time, but how to deal with him now? Of course, I would really like him to come to his senses... I'm confused. Please help me with advice.
Psychologist Liliya Viktorovna Litvinenko answers the question.
Hello Olga.
I understand you very much and share your condition. Because I know how women's thinking works. It is much easier for a woman to become addicted to love and become fixated on a man (by nature) than to remain free and make many life decisions on her own.
And the state that you describe is precisely love addiction: you can’t stop loving and you can’t fall in love with yourself. There is only one thing left to do - to understand the reason and find the strength to “get unstuck” from the young man.
It’s difficult.....You are not the first and, unfortunately, you are not the last. All women are susceptible to this. Men are luckier in this regard :)
But let's try to understand your situation. On your part, there was a “sticking” to this guy. There is no point in analyzing the reasons, because they are simple and are unlikely to be related to childhood psychological trauma. You, like any woman, have a desire for a cozy nest, a desire to give and take love, warmth and intimacy. This is absolutely normal. What is not normal is that you gave all of yourself to this relationship. This to some extent speaks of self-dislike. It was as if you were telling the guy, “You suit me. I will give all of myself to you, and leave nothing for myself.”
It’s great when both partners have the same expectations from each other and from the relationship.
But this doesn't always happen. And something didn’t suit your boyfriend. You, from the state of an equal partner in a relationship, have turned into a victim: You have invested all of yourself in the relationship, and now you feel abandoned, betrayed, used, etc. At the same time, you continue to live in these relationships, giving your life energy there.
If relationships used to give you hope and energy, now they simply take it away from you.
A woman is by nature a very creative person. And nature has endowed a woman with so much creative energy that she is enough not only for a man and relationships with him, not only for family and children, but also for developing herself, for creating many beautiful things. A woman is able to do several things at the same time (talk on the phone, check on her child’s homework, prepare food, watch what’s happening outside the window and comment on it). Imagine this amount of energy.... And you put all this creative energy into the relationship and into the guy. Of course you will feel depressed.
How to get out of this?
1. The more you depend, the less you are needed. And not because you are uninteresting. But because any person will be afraid to take responsibility for the life of another person who imposes himself entirely. Perhaps the guy felt that you were entrusting all of yourself to him and unconsciously appreciated that he was not yet ready to be responsible for the two of you.
2. It can and will be possible to return his attention if you openly show your independence and disinterest in him. As if to say, “It didn’t work out, it didn’t work out that way. I’ll try with someone else.” Become a strong professional in your activity. A woman's independence really hurts men. They want to conquer her.
3. To cope with your feelings yourself, start contacting other men, even if (and this is the case at first) they are unattractive to you.
4. Under no circumstances use various rituals to forget: do not delete contacts or correspondence. Just “turn on” complete inaction regarding him: don’t talk, don’t look, don’t listen, if the communication is not business related. And don't avoid business contacts. Everything should look like you don't care. Don't pick up the phone after work hours. Rating 4.81 (18 Votes)
It so happened that your relationship with a man began at work. You broke up, but no one wants to quit. How to work with an ex-boyfriend who is constantly in your sight?
As you know, we do not choose the place and time of meeting with our future soulmate. People meet each other anywhere: on the street, on vacation, on a train or plane, in a cafe and at work. And if you don’t get along in character, then you can simply break up and go in different directions. But if you met at work, then there’s no escape: you’ll have to see your ex-passion every day. What to do, how to work with your ex, communicate and build your relationship further?
Of course, it is best in principle not to start any romances at work. After all, it is unknown whether you will be together in the future or not. As a rule, after a breakup there is often a period of conflict, which is absolutely inappropriate in the workplace. But if this has happened and your lover is a colleague, be careful in the future. Loud, scandalous breakups should not be allowed if you still decide to run away. The breakup must be peaceful. And even if he hurt you or deceived you, betrayed you, don’t make a scene, intelligently sort out the relationship and end it smoothly. You can't be enemies; it will be simply impossible to work together after that.
You are unlikely to achieve it, so neutrality is the best that can be. If you just broke up, it takes time for the wounds to heal. Take a wait-and-see approach and consider the following important points.
- Take the question of how to work with your ex seriously, because you love your job and don’t want to quit. If the relationship ended on your initiative, the abandoned lover, of course, is offended. A civilized person will not show this, but an ill-mannered and wounded man will definitely try to show you his indignation. This can be expressed in barbs and malicious jokes. But the ex-boyfriend can also do the opposite - start ignoring. Be prepared for this and don't pay attention. This will pass with time, when passions subside.
- Be smart, be patient and don’t fall for any provocations. Be friendly and say hello to him, even if he doesn't answer. If you get the opportunity to talk alone, take this chance. Pride is inappropriate here if you really want to stay in your favorite job and not go to it like hard labor. When you are alone, tell your ex-lover that you are grateful to him for everything and wish only happiness in the future. Hint in the conversation that you want you to remain friends. An intelligent person should understand you.
If the relationship left behind a lot of negative emotions, it is difficult to imagine how to work with your ex without remembering these sad details. But the only way out, if you don’t want to leave your post, is to find the strength in yourself to admit that you made a mistake in a person and move on with your life.
20 years ago, American writers Ellen Fein and Sherry Schneider collected advice on how a woman can get the man of her dreams in their best-selling book. Since then, the feminist movement has been revived and strengthened, and such literature has received the label “sexist.” However, “New Rules” is still being republished and finds many fans and followers. What's the secret?
For years, gurus Ellen Fein and Sherry Schneider have analyzed the behavior of women who were happy in their personal lives—those who had many admirers, who were married well, and who were happy in their marriages. Oprah Winfrey called their best-selling book “Rules for Winning the Heart of the Man of Your Dreams” a phenomenon and twice invited the authors to her talk show. People magazine classified the book as a must-read, and glossy magazines called it the best publication about relationships. The authors assure: over the 20 years of the existence of the “Rules”, millions of women have been able to experience their absolute effectiveness. They received a relationship full of love and respect, which flowed into a happy and strong marriage. In New Rules, writers help modern women and girls communicate through Facebook, Skype, SMS, etc. and at the same time remain mysterious, support the hunter’s instinct in a man when there is so much “easy prey” around him, get married in an era when everyone lives in civil marriages and is in no hurry to take responsibility.
“Men love a challenge and lose interest when the object of this interest - and especially a woman - comes too easy for them.”
“The secret way to get a guy: be a challenge for him. Treat him as if you don't care about him,” urge Ellen Fein and Sherry Schneider. In their opinion, it is necessary to create an atmosphere of mystery and make a man passionately desire to meet you, which is very rare these days. “The Rules is a way of communicating with any man (provided he is the first to start a conversation with you, in person or online) that makes him obsessed with you and ready for a serious relationship.”
How to Marry the Man of Your Dreams, According to Ellen Fein and Sherry Schneider
Be a girl different from the rest and look like a girl different from the rest.
Do not approach a man first and do not start a conversation, do not call or write to a man first.
Do not ask men out on a date via SMS, social networks or any other means.
Wait at least 4 hours before responding to a man's first message, and at least half an hour before responding to each subsequent message.
“We’ll talk/write later”: always finish everything first - and disappear from sight!
Do not respond to SMS or any other messages after midnight.
Don't accept an invitation to a Saturday date later than Wednesday. “Proper girls” lead busy lives. Surely you've already made your weekend plans before Thursday rolls around! If he invites you too late, don't reprimand him. Just say that you are very sorry, but you are busy.
Make yourself "invisible" for instant messaging. Even if nothing is happening in your life, you should not notify the guy about it by instantly responding to his messages. As with any other form of communication, he must wait for the opportunity to talk to you. To be interesting to you, he will have to work hard. Don’t deprive your man of this opportunity by immediately responding to messages and spending hours online! Remember, you have your own life (school, work, friends, hobbies, workouts and, hopefully, dates), and there is only 10 minutes left for chatting and no more. If a guy has a lot to tell you and a lot to ask, he can do it during a date!
Don't spend 24 hours a day, seven days a week with him.
Long-distance relationships: let him offer to communicate more often on Skype and visit you.
Don't text men first, ignore emoticons and winks on online dating sites.
Don't pay for dinner or buy his love in any way.
Don't be self-destructive when dating married men. If he wants to see you, tell him to call you when he becomes single. And after that, no communication, forget him, say “next!” - and focus on finding men who are truly free.
Don't date a man who cancels your dates more than once.
Do not send a man anything that would be unpleasant to leave with him in the event of your separation.
Don't settle for one-night stands or meaningless relationships.
Don't rush to sleep with a man. “The right girl” makes a guy wait to help him fall in love with her, with her soul, with her essence - and not just with her body. The longer you delay intimacy, the longer he will be able to look after you, plan romantic encounters and dream about you. Men love challenges and don't appreciate anything that comes too easily to them, especially sex!
Don't date a man without commitment! If your relationship lasts more than a year and at the same time it is “correct” (you allowed the man to “chase you”, met him no more than 2-3 times a week, refused to spend vacations with him, did not move in with him), then most helped him fall in love with you and want to get married. A man wants to see you more and more. But if after a year of dating a man has not asked to marry him, you should tell him that you are a girl of an old-fashioned upbringing and are not going to date anyone forever. If he starts making excuses, suggest taking a break in the relationship. Ask him to think things through alone and call when he's ready to commit.
