She said a lot of nasty things to her husband and what should she do? She said some nasty things out of emotion. Our experts' opinions

16 Mar 2018

Hernandez

Hello! I am 32 years old, married, three children. The youngest child is 1 month old. The situation is such that I perfectly understand my guilt, and this makes it even worse. In our family, my husband earns money, I don’t have a job. But he has a seasonal job and, as a rule, we spend the winter on pickles and jam and without money. Pregnancy and childbirth require a lot of expenses and debts and loans appeared in my name. Now to the point...
On a women's holiday I allowed myself to drink too much, and a demon possessed me. I began to show aggression towards my husband, yelling and insulting him, almost throwing him out of the house. She said such nasty things to him that it’s unforgivable! I hate myself. At first he wanted to leave, but then he stayed. But he still doesn’t talk and doesn’t notice me, and I don’t have enough darling to come over. I’m so ashamed, I cry at night, but I can’t talk because I can’t find the words, and I imagine that the conversation will be based on the fact that he will remind me of everything that I said. I have terrible depression, everything is falling out of my hands, I lash out at my older children, they are offended that I yell at them and cry. How can I get out of this situation, because I understand that financial difficulties will not last forever and we will cope, but it is very difficult that there is no money, but we need to eat. And once or twice a week we look for someone to borrow from or go to the next microfinance institution... I don’t want to tell him that he is a man and has to feed his family, firstly, I’ve already said that, and secondly, we need to make peace... Help me get out out of depression and give advice.

Hernandez, hello!
You admit that you were wrong to insult your husband?
Why are you afraid of talking to him and afraid that he will remind you of your incontinence?
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What do you want to get as a result of the consultation?

16 Mar 2018

Hernandez

Hello! The fact is that I am worried and frightened by his indifference to the situation in the family. The fact that you can find a temporary part-time job, for example. I can’t say anything unnecessary to him, he immediately gets offended. And resentment for three or four days. And then it accumulated and expressed it, but in a rude manner and with insults. So I really think about him that way. Now he thinks that I’m just silent and adjusting, but I drank and said everything I think. But I wanted to prick him harder, I don’t know why.

16 Mar 2018

Hello!
Your sudden breakdown is really due to the fact that deep down in your soul you have accumulated a large amount of discontent:

financial difficulties do not last forever and we will cope, but it is very difficult that there is no money, but we need to eat

There is a quote on the Internet - “if you want to have something that you didn’t have before, you need to do something that you haven’t done before.”

Most likely, you will accumulate dissatisfaction until the next breakdown. You can suppress these feelings, this is what you call “depression.”

As for the quarrel with your husband, then, apparently, you have developed a system of influencing each other, such a mutual dance of quarrels and insults. If you want to make peace, just come up and apologize. But after a while everything will return to normal. To prevent this from happening, you need to dig deeper into the situation, analyze it, and be ready to change it.

My situation is as follows. I am a single mother, my child’s father and I separated 5.5 months ago. Now my daughter is almost six months old. I would like to make peace with the child’s father, Mikhail. I can’t say specifically whether I love him, but I think I do. I am very attracted to his virtues: he does not drink, does not smoke, almost does not swear, is not a womanizer, not a convict, not a drug addict, a homebody, smart, he knows a lot of things: cooking, cutting hair, making furniture out of wood, etc. in a word, very talented, and also handsome... We dated for almost 4 years. Everything was generally normal, but some things did not triple him in me: I’m not a good enough housewife, I don’t have a very good figure and style clothes - in his opinion, but I was not happy with the fact that I really missed affection, tenderness and care from him; lately he rarely hugged me. Before him, I had an abortion, I had inflammation, and I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to have children, especially since we dated him for about 3 years, and I didn’t get pregnant. And so I still got pregnant. I was happy, but I was happy not because I would have a child as such, but 1: that I was not infertile, and 2: I thought that a child would bring Misha and me closer. I thought that a child would we need. But! It was from that moment that we started having scandals with him. He didn’t want a child, he was even scared when I told him about it. I am 22 years old, he is 24 years old. He suggested that I have an abortion, citing the fact that we do not have our own home and we both do not work. I completed my 5th year of university studies. I insisted on my position that I would not have an abortion. For some reason, at that moment I was sure that we would not part, I was sure that we would be together. A week later, he had already come to terms with this news. Then I went to his village for an internship. And then it began. For some reason, I fantasized that everyone should treat me like a queen. His mother reacted calmly to this news, and I thought that she would be happy. For the previous 3 years, she and I had a good relationship. Misha and I started having scandals: sometimes I cooked it wrong, sometimes I didn’t cook enough, we fought over where to live - in his village, or in mine, or else - what income to live on. I was against him raising cows. I really missed his care and affection. My father, having learned that I was pregnant, invited them to our place for the New Year. They didn’t have any money. This really infuriated me. I went to see them, I was offended, I freaked out, I cried, then I started shouting, screaming at him and his mother: maybe I should have an abortion, will it make you feel better? In short, she blackmailed me. They did not have basic food in the house. I was freaking out that they didn’t borrow money and didn’t buy normal food for me...Then I started talking about legitimizing the relationship. He was against it, arguing that it was never too late to sign. We need to live like this, otherwise we’ll run away quickly. I was already in the city, took exams, went to the hospital, called him for tests, he didn’t go, they argued again. I constantly demanded something: that he drop everything and come take care and help me, that he quickly make a crib , called me more often... In short, she behaved like a spoiled child. Then she went to see them on March 8th. There we even fought a couple of times over some trifle. He decided to leave me. He said he couldn't stand my temper anymore. I called him out of anger, he hung up, turned off the phone for a week, I called his mother, complained about him, cried, threatened with courts, DNA, alimony, I had a huge fight with her that time. Then he forgave me on the condition that I change my character, stop acting like a hysteric, and no longer call his mother. I agreed. And then I started to break myself: I’ll call, he yelled, hung up, said that he had no time. I remained silent, although I also wanted to scream and call me names. He told me all sorts of nasty things: that the dog was more valuable to him than the child, that he didn’t care what the child’s nerves would be like, never mind when and where I give birth... To my question: will he come to meet me from the maternity hospital, he answered : if there are no more important things to do! This all infuriated me terribly, but I remained silent and agreed to go to his village. This is how we communicated until the birth. Then I gave birth. He came to pick me up from the maternity hospital with his mother, he wanted to adopt the child, take us to his village after I had registered the children... For 10 days everything was fine. But then the slightest skirmish and I exploded. I remembered everything to him, all his offensive words, began to kick him out, threw his jeans in his face, shouted that I didn’t need a child - let him get out with him. He sat down and roared. I wanted to feel sorry for him, but my grievances took over. I told him: cry, cry, I also cried throughout my pregnancy. In short, a terrible scandal erupted. My mother took his side, I ran away from home for a day, leaving him and the child at home. I called his mother again, saying some nonsense like let them come and share the child. Then she returned the next day, and his parents actually arrived there. I again talked all sorts of nonsense out of anger and resentment (he is so good, and I am so bad): that I only need alimony from him, that I am not going to live with him, otherwise we will kill each other. ..And he left. When he left, he kissed his daughter and cried again. I wanted to stop him, to tell him that this was all untrue, that it was all out of anger and resentment, but I didn’t dare. Now I want him back, but how can I prove that I admitted my mistake, that he is dear to me, that this is all not true? He doesn’t want to talk to me on the phone, he doesn’t call himself, only I call, we only talk about my daughter, he talks to me dryly and coldly. Do I have any chance? I can’t figure out if he’s still offended by me, or if I’m just so disgusting to him. I want to go to his village with my child for reconciliation, but I can’t dare. I already apologized, he seemed to forgive me. But I can't dare to ask him to come back. I'm afraid that he will laugh and gloat at me. How to overcome your fear? Maybe write a letter?

16 Mar 2018

Hernandez

16 Mar 2018

Hernandez

16 Mar 2018

Hello!
Your sudden breakdown is really due to the fact that deep down in your soul you have accumulated a large amount of discontent:

financial difficulties do not last forever and we will cope, but it is very difficult that there is no money, but we need to eat

There is a quote on the Internet - “if you want to have something that you didn’t have before, you need to do something that you haven’t done before.”

Most likely, you will accumulate dissatisfaction until the next breakdown. You can suppress these feelings, this is what you call “depression.”

I want to ask you for advice, so as not to again break a bunch of firewood that already lies between me and my common-law husband in a very large woodpile. The fact is that we have been living together for almost 3 years, he is 32 years old, I am 30 years old. We are planning a wedding for September. I have a daughter from my first marriage, 7 years old. My beloved is on very good terms with her. She loves him. According to his horoscope, he is a Libra, and indeed, he likes to weigh everything 100 times before he does something. Very smart, well read. Nuclear physicist by profession. Very proud. He didn't have a permanent relationship before me. His friends appreciate him, he is a very good friend to everyone, he will always help and help out. All in all a good person. But there is a minus: he absolutely does not know how to compromise with a loved one and build relationships. Yes, exactly build. If he is offended, it will last for a long time. and always considers himself right. During these three years together we quarreled, one might say often. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. But what would happen like this time... probably never. All this happened on Sunday, three days ago. I must say that I am very hot-tempered, temperamental, and emotional. I am very worried and sensitive to all problems. I found out that our mutual friend was pregnant with her second, and I was jealous. My beloved is putting off getting married, he doesn’t really want to have children. And everyone around is getting married and giving birth. In general, resentment began to grow inside me like a lump. Although we had not quarreled for a long time, and were gentle and affectionate towards each other. And three days ago, he came from the bathhouse in the evening and lay down on the bed to watch hockey. And I waited for him all day, I thought that he would come and we would pay attention to each other and make love. I began to pester him affectionately. And he answered: “Well, not today, I don’t want to now.” And I burst into tears, I lost my temper very much. She said a lot of nasty things. She called him a beast and all sorts of things like that. As a result, I achieved my goal, we slept together. But this was not making love, but as a punishment for him and for me. No feelings, just an act. Then they silently went to bed. On the trail. day, I brought him into conversation, and he admitted that he was ready to leave after this sex, and leave forever... this shocked me, of course. In general... no matter how hard I tried during these three days to ask him for forgiveness, to fawn on him, it was all useless. He says that he has forgiven, but cannot move away from this nightmare so quickly and says that he cannot live with such hysterics anymore. I understand that I went too far, but it’s such a shame... when your loved one doesn’t want you. And that he doesn’t want children, marriage. He doesn’t want to separate either, because... says he still loves me. And I’m sitting at work for the second day and crying, I don’t know how to return everything to how it was before: after all, we fell asleep and woke up in an embrace, kissed every 15 minutes, loved to just lie next to each other and stroke each other, take care of each other. And now for three days everything has been different: we are like strangers, like neighbors... What should we do? How can I get everything back without making new mistakes?

My husband and I have been living for almost 3 years. We have a child, a 2-year-old boy. A week ago, my husband and I had a very strong fight. I told him all sorts of nasty things that I later regretted. I tried to make peace with him, approached him three times, apologized for everything I said without thinking, but he didn’t even want to listen. We live in the same apartment and don’t communicate; he plays with his son, but ignores me or goes to bed when I try to talk to him. He constantly goes somewhere, comes late or doesn’t come home to spend the night at all. He doesn’t eat what I cook, he buys it for himself separately. What he wants to prove by this, I don’t know. I’m already tired without his communication and love, I don’t know how to make peace with him. Help me please. Tell me what to do and what to do.

Catherine, Stary Oskol, 24 years old / 06/28/12

Our experts' opinions

Alyona

It’s a pity that you didn’t write the most important thing: what kind of “bad things” you said to your husband. After all, this would make it possible to understand how adequate he is in his offense towards you. Although for me the very fact that you allowed yourself, in the heat of a quarrel, to insult the person you supposedly love is proof to the contrary. Whatever the differences between loving people, only those who do not value their partner will allow themselves to humiliate him by saying nasty things. And you know, apologies alone may not really be enough here. Sometimes such a verbal stream of dirt completely changes the attitude towards a person, even an initially loved one. A tub of mud becomes a cold shower for a loving person. For example, would you continue a close friendship with a friend if she said nasty things to your face that would make you feel really bad in your soul? After such “revelations”, even if the relationship is restored formally, there will never be real cordiality in it. Honestly, I think you're at a dead end right now. Perhaps the husband still comes home only because of the child, and if he were not there, he would stop coming at all. He doesn't need your apology - that's the saddest thing about your situation. That is, continuing to follow him and ask for forgiveness is a useless exercise. He doesn’t need you to humiliate yourself in front of him now - it won’t bring him satisfaction. He really doesn't want to talk to you. Why did you tell him that? Apparently, something that made him understand that you don’t respect him and don’t value him at all. And most importantly, why did you do it and what were you trying to prove in your quarrel with him with these insults? An absolutely unreasonable and unwise act for a woman if she has no goal of breaking up with a man. And the saddest thing is that if you now offer him to temporarily live separately, he will agree without hesitation. And this is a direct path to divorce. He will definitely not agree to reconciliation. And he doesn’t need this from you. This is definitely a dead end. Try to tune in to his wave now and do everything the same: live a parallel life, as if you were roommates, nothing more. Separating right now, I repeat, is a direct road to divorce. There's no point in flirting with him. Call for a conversation - for now too. It is necessary to pause so that the husband gets tired of playing the role of the offended one. Then you can invite him to discuss what happened (hopefully, you can do without nasty things, just as you can not remind him how many times you asked him for forgiveness to no avail). Not now, but after some time (if you tune in to his wavelength, you will understand when to do this), invite him to discuss your future. And ask him to make a decision: whether he wants to stay with his family or not, because living in a communal apartment with a man who doesn’t need you, who doesn’t want you and doesn’t love you anymore, is not part of your plans.
Sergey

Of course, I don’t know what you managed to say to your husband, but be that as it may, he is behaving strangely. In such a situation, in my opinion, it is necessary to bring the situation to some logical point. In your case, this, in my opinion, is a conversation about divorce. Well, you must admit that you, for your part, have already apologized, more than once. However, the husband continues to engage in nonsense and is not going to do anything to normalize the situation. Maybe I'm wrong, but it is impossible to live under the current conditions. And if so, since you coexist as neighbors, then wouldn’t it be better to set the dots? At the very least, such a conversation can push the situation out of its current direction. Although, of course, you can let everything take its course and just wait. In theory, people cannot live next to each other for too long and not communicate. However, who knows where your husband is running? Maybe he just has another woman, and he is happy to use your quarrel to go to her? In this case, this whole circus can drag on for a very long time. And then it’s all the more worth starting a conversation about divorce.