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Evgeniy, age: 36 / 11/13/2011

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Good afternoon, Evgeniy! I really sympathize with you. I'm sorry that all this happened to you. I have met so few men like you among friends, colleagues and just acquaintances. I was in your situation almost 2 years ago. My husband told me the same thing (it’s boring with me, but there it’s fun, with me it’s hard for him, but there they understand him, he endured all the time, almost suffered, but there it’s easy, there’s a celebration of life that he deserves:) and etc.). A friend of mine once told me that he felt bad with me. And at first I felt offended: am I really that terrible?! And then it became clear what she meant. In his family, it was customary to make boorish jokes, allow oneself to talk rudely, tell vulgar jokes, drink periodically - all this was the norm for him and his family and a great torment for me! I objected, protested, initially gently, and then almost went to extremes, because he was my husband and I couldn’t leave, I couldn’t leave him, even dying and breaking my psyche. I wanted to help him, to protect him from himself and from the influence of his family and acquaintances. Now you probably want to ask me a couple of questions: why did I marry him, and why did I lose this battle? The answers are simple:
1st: both my ex-husband and I overestimated our capabilities: he thought that he could quit drinking completely (when we were dating, he drank only non-alcoholic beer, though 5-6 liters a day) and become what he always dreamed of: strong, caring, gentle, protector, and I thought that if, that I could help him improve, because initially he tried to be what he wanted to become.
2nd: and after some time it became clear to my ex-husband that in order to live with me, he needed to change a lot in himself, to really become the person he imagined himself to be, and it’s difficult to change and it’s easier to find a woman who suits him.. Then my world collapsed. But now I am very grateful to him! And I’m glad that he left me then: after all, we could only be together if one of us could change and become like the other, otherwise, by staying together we only destroyed each other and ourselves. Conclusions: you need to choose a person who is similar (to some extent) as your spouse: mentality, aspirations, desires, behavior, attitude towards parents and other people; Don’t rush to run to the registry office, but take a closer look at the person: maybe he is deceiving not only you, but also himself :), and doesn’t even suspect it. In any case, you need to be careful and try not to make a mistake in your choice or in choosing a partner, i.e. Don’t let him make a mistake, which will be very painful for everyone in the future. Now I'm 34, and I get a little sad. :) It’s sad that I may not meet my man who will be a kind and reliable husband to me, and I will be his kind and caring wife, friend, sister, because I may not have children... But with On the other hand, how can I know what will happen next?! And being sad for the above reasons is just as ridiculous as being sad about the fact that one day I will get married again and have many children! :) Therefore, I ask you not to despair, you can calmly continue to love your ex-wife, just remember that true love for one person does not prevent you from loving no less passionately and being truly happy with another person. I don’t think that you should try to save this relationship, but you should definitely forgive your wife: can you imagine that your wife understood everything and asks for your forgiveness, would you really not forgive her? Of course they forgive me. And so it will be, only you may not know about it, because it will be impossible for her to be ashamed to actually approach you. Someone said that God has no time, i.e. for him there is no past, present and future, everything happens at one moment. I think this is true. Let it be so for you too. It could still be! I sincerely wish you to come to your senses as soon as possible, shake off the pain and resentment, and start living again! Everything will work out for you, and you will definitely be happy, and you will be able to delight your future spouse and children with your presence! For now you only have a future, but that’s not enough! Diana.

Diana, age: 34 / 11/14/2011

Hello, Evgeniy!

I want to tell you an example from life.

Here is one man. He sincerely considers himself an ideal husband. In general, this is not far from the truth - he doesn’t drink, doesn’t hit, doesn’t cheat, works, loves his job, defended his dissertation and generally achieved success, is economical - everything for the home, for the family, and even has a sense of humor, and respects his parents, loves children... the list could go on for a long time.

But... a small fly in the ointment - next to him you suffocate. There is not enough air, life... I don’t know... some kind of recklessness, breadth of nature.

You are suffocating from endless grumbling, nit-picking, from this terrifying, mechanical CORRECTNESS.

And yes... he's boring. It's just boring to tears. Because you understand that for this person, ORDER in everything is a hundred times more important than living people around.

And such hopelessness when you realize that, for example, until you wash the dishes exactly like this (at the same temperature of water, with exactly the same amount of detergent, you should use exactly the same cloth to wash the plates, and exactly the other one to wash the pans, and then wipe one with a towel - others with gauze and place them on shelves in a routine manner once and for all), until you learn to do this and only this way, they will nag, nag, and nag... And this is in every little detail.

When his wife left this man, he was truly amazed. He's ideal. They have an ideal family life. He considered his wife a vile traitor and simply did not see or understand that HIMSELF had dissected her with his own hands long ago, strangled all the good that was between them. (But it was!!! And “one breath for two, one heart, one thoughts”)

This does not mean that some of them are bad and some are good. It just means that people are VERY different. What is good for one is death for another.
If his wife had been the same lover of order, perhaps they would have lived a happy life.

But it should be noted that in this situation, the wife still tried for MANY YEARS IN A ROW to change herself to please her husband. I tried to live according to his rules. Out of love for him. But for this you had to break yourself. So she couldn’t stand it and broke.
The husband was sure that he was right, that he was an ideal. It would never even occur to him to change himself in any way. He only looked meticulously at his wife’s efforts. And I noticed everything - here it is still far from ideal, and here there is disorder, and here there is disgrace. He never even thought to praise her. After all, when you love, you need to point out a person’s imperfections so that he becomes better. That's what he thought.

Maybe this example has nothing to do with you, Evgeny.

It’s just that in a family, everyone should strive to break themselves in something for the sake of the other. Not just one. It's very hard and painful. That is why martyrs are remembered during weddings.

“Giving your life in the literal sense of the word” is just nothing compared to trying a little every day to make your wife feel loved.
Do exactly what she needs.

At least give up his wonderful love of order for her sake. This is quite a feat.

dikobraz, age: 30 / 11/14/2011

Evgeniy, I will give you an example from life. A man is sitting next to me at the next table. He is 54 years old, 30 years of marriage, two beautiful children with whom he has a wonderful relationship, but... Exactly a year ago he divorced his wife. Reason: They didn't get along. And the wife didn’t even resist the divorce! Vice versa! She agreed immediately!
Why did you leave? - I asked this man.
And he, with strong (and a year had already passed) emotions, said that he DID EVERYTHING FOR MY WIFE!
Here is his story: New Year, I cut salads with the children, prepared soup, she came and was silent. I didn’t approach her, I gave my son a gift for her, so that he would give it to her and call her to the table. The son, of course, immediately went to his mother, called her to the table, gave her a gift from me, and she silently went into her room and closed the door. This was the last straw, and I filed for divorce. She immediately agreed.
I asked: “Or maybe your wife was waiting for you to hug her, kiss her, or put a gift in her warm hands?”
My colleague almost screamed with offense: “Hug?! Yes, I set the table!!!”
Now, for 30 years they spoke different languages. And they never understood each other. For a man, love was expressed in deeds, for a wife in something else (maybe in touches, in conversations), and now two very good people parted in resentment towards each other, having lived together for 30 years!
Evgeniy, there is a very good book that helped me and my husband solve a similar problem: “The Five Love Languages”, you will find it on the Internet. This is the only book that my husband described in one word: practical.
It seems to me that you and your wife can still fix something, but you will have to change yourself and change your attitude towards your wife and family. Only working on yourself, on your mistakes, can help. And, of course, God.

Karina, age: 45 / 11/14/2011

Hello, Evgeniy. I sympathize with you, but believe me, the fact that your wife left you after 6 years is much better than what happened to me. My husband left me for another woman after 27 years and for the same reason as yours. We loved each other, we were always and everywhere together, we seemed to understand each other. We also went on vacation with him to the sea, on kayak trips, built a summer house together, grilled kebabs, went to the forest to pick mushrooms, etc. But there was one problem - I didn’t allow him to drink too much (he could afford a lot), use obscene language in front of me and the children, tell obscene jokes, make jokes about people’s faith in God (everyone has the right to believe or not - and it’s not for him to judge them for This). I have always believed that such comments were reasonable on my part. But I turned out to be wrong. After 27 years (in May of this year), my husband found a woman (oddly enough, she works as a police officer) who allows all of the above, likes to take a noisy walk, drinks a lot, and allows him to drink a lot. And for her this behavior is the norm.
When we parted, my husband said that I was very good, kind, but he found the life that he had always dreamed of, that such a life is a holiday. It turned out that all these years I had been breaking his concept of a good life, that it was boring, although he never told me about it. It was very hard and painful for me. Even now I’m very sad, but I’m little by little trying to start living again. And my only regret is that he did not leave me earlier, because at the age of 50 I remained with my life positions, but he, too, has not changed and is unlikely to change, because upbringing is laid down in childhood.
Zhenya, there is no need to break each other. You are still very young, you still have everything ahead of you. I think that you will definitely meet a woman who will understand and accept you for who you are. It seems to me that you are a decent, kind and good person, if only because you fell in love with someone else’s child (and this is very difficult). All the best.

Nina Stepanovna, age: 50 / 11/14/2011

Zhenya, forgive me for calling you that, don’t take it as familiarity. I want to support, but I don’t know how, I only know one thing, but I’m sure that with God nothing happens just like that, by accident. Firstly, this is a test for you, and secondly, perhaps around the corner there is a girl waiting for you who needs exactly this. Yes, many people dream of having such a man nearby! About calm, laconic, reliable and correct! This means you deserve the best, you still need to give birth to children, trust in the will of God, I wrote earlier in my letter that there were times when it seemed that there was no one more unhappy than me and I didn’t want to live, I asked God to take me away, but I have a daughter, and now Every day I thank Him for prolonging my life, that I came to church, and I changed and life changed and the people around me are good! Just believe that everything is ahead, ask God for help! When trials are sent to a person, the Lord wants to lead the person to faith through them. After all, when do we feel bad? We most often turn to God, well, apparently there is no other way to reach us, sinners! Think about it, maybe this is a signal to start a new life? After all, if you don’t change anything in yourself, then nothing around you will change! Look into your soul, we care a lot about our body, we spend so much effort and money, but in the end it will become dust. How much do we care about the immortal soul? Yes, sometimes - not at all, but our darling is IMMORTAL, we need to prepare her. May God give you, Zhenya, the strength to pass this test with dignity, learn a lesson from it, become stronger and gain faith. Only this way and no other way, with God’s help!!!

Julia, age: 36 / 11/14/2011

When a person wants to break up, but there is nothing to complain about, this is where it begins: too talkative - too silent, you like order - you don’t like order... I was also told (like a carbon copy) “I’m tired, I want to live alone, you’re like that - melting... walks here, breathes." - It turns out that in order to please my husband, I had to stop breathing or what? As they say, won’t it be greasy? Traitors, unfortunately, say all sorts of things and wrap things up in such a way that sometimes you even begin to mistake your strengths for weaknesses. “I love order (especially in words and actions)” - this quality of yours is a virtue, don’t even doubt it. Yes, and it’s somehow strange to reproach for silence; If you were a joker by nature, you would probably work in a circus as a clown. Therefore, you should not blame yourself in vain.
Of course, everyone has shortcomings, and we make mistakes, we are living people, and we gain experience and manage in the process of life. No one is born knowing everything and everyone, I think. And these endless questions... We must understand that some questions will be answered soon, some will be answered over time, while others will remain unanswered because they are rhetorical, not within our competence, or for some other reason.. .
The greatest Saint Anthony asked the Lord why some people live this way, others that way, why some are given something, while others are deprived of it; he was told: “Anthony! These are the destinies of God!”
We must accept our such circumstances, believing that the Lord loves us and everything will be for the better, let the person go, and keep our hearts from bitterness and resentment. - This is the work of the soul - and not just for one day. Evgeniy, you just know: the pain will subside; The main thing you strive to do is to accept the situation, to realize that any person is endowed with free will and does what he considers best (even if this goes against our ideas about the best), treat yourself with care, do not blame yourself for your merits (if they were not appreciated, they did not cease to be merits), and accept mistakes (if any) as useful experience, the main thing is to have the courage to admit them to yourself and correct them.
Evgeniy, why did you decide that you should forget? Who do they owe it to? And for what? These 6 years are part of your life, why forget this part, make it seem like it never happened? You were happy - so thank the person for this, over time, remembering this part of your life, a light sadness will remain. But let the person go, since he has already made such a choice. Accept it as it is. In one sermon, the priest denounced lovers of all kinds of (astrological) predictions: “Do you want to know what will happen? I’m making a prediction for you - it will come true 100%, I predict that what will happen will happen.” We don’t know whether our other halves will return to us, or whether our path will be without them, and we don’t know the future at all (although we fantasize richly). We can only accept what will happen, firmly relying on God’s help in this unknown... And accept what the Lord sends. Ask Him for strength and patience to endure the test, ask for good thoughts, ask for the strength to accept and humble yourself. I think this would be more correct in a global sense and more useful for us personally. Evgeny, everything will work out, your heart will warm up, and you will still love, even though you can’t believe it now. Everything will be fine!

Irina, age: 43 / 11/15/2011

Hello, Evgeniy.

Dialogue with a man is a special thing; here it is important to be able to get away from the feminine manner of communication, from “girly” intonations, and try not to overdo it with emotions. Dialogue is always about “hearing your interlocutor,” but how difficult it is to hear someone who is structured and thinks completely differently, and who has his own, masculine logic. You are great, Evgeniy, you are a strong person. Already because we found the strength to write here. But here your interlocutors for the most part are those who also found themselves in history, and who also probably failed to hear something from their now former partner. Here are everyone whom life has put in the conditions of working on mistakes. We see a lot in other people's stories, we advise, we analyze. But they failed to sort out their lives in a timely manner.

So you ask the question: “Why is life this way?” And who created it, what do you think? How was your life, your wife’s, arranged? Isn't it you? Our problem is that we are not always ready to take responsibility for our destiny, for the lives of those we let into it, for the consequences of this choice. And when life begins to crack, we habitually look for someone on the side, some external forces, circumstances to which we could blame the failure. That's how most of us are. Everything good is fragile, you correctly noted that. Therefore, it requires care, protection, careful handling, tact, tenderness. Like a newborn baby, from which one day he will grow into a strong, strong, harmonious person. Unless, due to the carelessness or indifference of the parents, he is injured or becomes dystrophic or rickets.
It's the same with relationships. Very often, after living with a person for many years, we never really get to know him completely. Not because he is closed from us, but because we are focused on ourselves, our loved ones. We don’t want to, we’re too lazy to recognize who’s nearby. What he breathes, what interests him, what hurts him, what he needs. We reduce the relationship to the exchange of a set of familiar application functions.
Wife: Well, I cook food, iron his shirts, and perform marital duties. What is he missing?
Husband: Well, I did the repairs, I hammer in the nails, I give them the salary, and on March 8th I bring flowers. What more does she want?
Each of the duo can receive all of the above without problems in the form of a service, without committing themselves to marriage obligations. You can have lunch in a cafe, shirts will be washed and ironed in the laundry room, repairs will be done much better by professional builders, a capable person will always earn money himself and spend it on himself with great pleasure. For the same flowers for yourself. Well, other needs too...
So why do people want to live together? What unique need do they want to satisfy in an alliance with each other that cannot be obtained in the form of a service? People want understanding, sensitivity, tenderness, warmth, an attentive and loving look, the opportunity to simply be silent, even in different rooms, but feeling each other’s presence. People need touches of all kinds: to put your palm knowingly on the palm of another, or just to hug because you want to, because you yourself feel good about this hug, or just to kiss the back of the head while bending over your homework. It seems like little things, but without them the life of two is like distilled water: without taste, without color, without smell. The power of little things is that there are a lot of them. And you can’t do without them. And all these little things, fleeting moments, strokes and nuances, merging, turn into a song: “I love you, I need (need) you,” even if it was not spoken verbally.
“Little things” in relationships have enormous impact and evoke a strong emotional response. Either positive or negative if they are neglected. And, if one of the partners underestimates this, as they say, “doesn’t catch up,” no amount of correctness and positivity of the relationship will save him if there are no emotional colors in them. The other half begins to experience emotional hunger, which causes a feeling of deep dissatisfaction with the relationship, irritation, and alienation. And he will want to satisfy this hunger elsewhere. Because he is COLD here. And he (or she) goes away to WARM UP, where it’s warm, where there’s just kindness, participation, the opportunity to relax and lean against someone’s shoulder or put your head on someone’s lap, so that someone’s hand just ruffles your hair . That's all. But how much is said by this gesture!

Just today, I had the opportunity to once again be convinced of the magical power of “little things”. One of the employees had a big problem with her adult son. She could not tell anyone about the situation that was bothering her for a number of reasons, but she held on to her last nerve. It so happened that at lunch in the dining room the table was free exactly where this woman was located. It was impossible not to notice the neighbor’s upset face; she literally could barely hold back her tears. I didn’t ask the employee anything, but her condition gave rise to an irresistible desire to somehow support the person. Completely spontaneously, I simply put my palm on her hand and quietly said: “Everything will pass. Everything will work out, you’ll see. Just believe that everything will be fine.” In response, the woman cried and told what happened to her. It was truly a story that one would hardly want to tell. What a load!
I listened without interrupting or asking questions. At the end of the story, the woman sighed with obvious relief and said: “Thank you. It was as if I was talking to a loved one and I felt better.” Believe it or not, these words brought tears to my eyes. From the sincerity of a person and the pain he expresses. But this employee and I hardly communicate at work, just like: hello, goodbye.

All questions should be addressed not to life, which for some reason is “worked this way,” but to ourselves: why am I stingy with kind words addressed to loved ones? Why don’t I notice what my loved one does for me? And if I notice, then why don’t I tell him about my gratitude out loud? Why didn’t I respond in any way when my wife came home from work clearly upset? Why don’t I call her during the day, at least sometimes, just to tell her how much I miss her and how much I’m looking forward to the evening so I can watch TV in my arms? Why can't I cook dinner or at least wash the dishes when my wife isn't feeling well? Why don’t I give her flowers without a special occasion, but just like that? Well, at least one flower? Why did I go to see friends on the weekend (for football) and not figure out how my wife and I could spend an interesting weekend? Why doesn’t it occur to me to just put her slippers on the radiator to warm her up when she comes home? Is this difficult? Yes, for this gesture a woman will hurt her husband!

And many, many more “why?” This is what life is made of. Right or wrong. From all this lies the fragility or strength of all good things. In the 70s, the Satire Theater staged a play with a star cast, “Little Comedies of a Big House,” which was often shown on TV. One of the characters, a Caucasian husband of a caring wife who was offended by his indifferent attitude, responded to her expression of offense: “So what if I don’t say any words? Dusya, I love you from the inside!” This is wonderful, but does the one who is loved “internally” even guess about it?
We did not come into this world to build the Dnieper hydroelectric station, earn money for a dacha, car, apartment, outdo the neighbors with cool European-quality renovations, or defend a dissertation. We came into this world to LEARN TO LOVE. So that the other person next to us feels good, and we feel good because he feels good. And everything that happens to us during the course of the plot, all episodes of our lives, including the construction of the Dnieper Hydroelectric Power Station and European-quality renovations, meetings and partings, serves as a means of achieving this main goal. It is a pity that understanding this comes to us quite late and is achieved at a very high price. We are careless students.
Evgeniy, there is a lot of work going on inside you right now, this is obvious. Evidence of this work, the search for the best part of yourself, is your letter to the guest page. This story torments you, you ask yourself many questions, take inventory of the part of your life you have lived. This work will definitely yield results. You will change. And he, the new Eugene, will see today’s situation differently. In the new position there will be no condemnation of the properties and characteristics of the other partner. Not at all. But there will be a clear picture of your imperfections. And this will be the main result of what happened. It is absolutely clear that a young and intelligent man will not be left alone. And no matter who you develop a new relationship with, you, for your part, will build it on a completely different level. It cannot be ruled out that a new relationship will be built with your wife. That happens. The pause that has now come in your life is absolutely necessary for you to comprehend. Don't rush to fill it with new relationships. There will be no sense, just vanity. Your time will come when you are ready for a new relationship. Everything will be ok. Confidence in this is instilled by your restlessness, desire to understand, readiness for a critical look inside yourself. You will certainly be happy. You just need to work hard for it. Good luck to you, Evgeniy!

Smilla, age: 55 / 11/16/2011

Thank you to all of you who responded to my letter! I read a lot of really good advice. Diana,
especially for answer No. 2 and the fact that we don’t know what’s around the corner.
dikobraz, Thank you very much, but I, of course, never got to such insanity. I wanted to instill in my son simple everyday truths, such as respect for elders, I tried to tear him away from the computer and go to the sports ground (although I understood that at the age of 12 what kind of horizontal bar could be discussed), etc. I agree with you that everyone should break themselves for the sake of others, that’s where I missed the point, although, believe me, I tried, but apparently not enough.
Karina, I completely agree with you, she lacked attention and she told me about it, but I didn’t take it seriously, because I seem to be trying to do men’s work around the house and do women’s things (I’m not bragging), but I lost some thread, missed something more important
Nina Stepanovna, thank you for your kind words. Yes, your situation is much more difficult. But, excuse me, I don’t understand him - TWENTY SEVEN YEARS together!!! What about then apart?
Julia, you know, but once she also said that she needed a calm, restrained person. she's too cheerful. Thank you for your understanding and for your advice about turning to God. I myself have such thoughts, but somehow I can’t make up my mind. This is a very responsible matter.
Irina, you hit the nail on the head in many ways, not a single question has yet been answered, and I myself understand that no one can answer them except himself, it’s a matter of time.
Smilla, you are right about being stingy with emotions - this is completely true. I have long considered myself emotionally greedy, but in relationships with women this is important.
Thank you all for your support, understanding and advice. But, you see, what is the paradox, I became even more silent and did not show any emotions. Somehow I noticed it by accident.

Evgeniy, age: 36 / 11/16/2011

Eugene,
Emotions will come after rethinking. It happened to me too: silence - experiencing - comprehension - life after rethinking. And those problems that were a reason for tears have now become life experiences and changed the way I look at the world.

All your thoughts relate to something high and sublime, you are looking for meaning in life. However, while solving the problems of the universe, you do not notice the simplest life! Open the window, breathe in fresh air! Look how wonderful life is! This beauty is for you to enjoy. Breathe deeply, feel the world with every cell of your body. Otherwise, you will dry up on the root, like a flower without water, and you will cease to interest not only yourself, but also those around you.

The most important thing is that you are there: healthy, young.

Ariadne, age: 40 / 11/17/2011

Evgeniy, you inspire boundless sympathy! A very self-critical and sensible person! and you deserve happiness. And it is possible that your wife will soon come to her senses; it seems that something from outside has clouded her brain. It happens... Or maybe depression just hit her at that moment? It happens... But it all PASSES! GOOD LUCK!

And Smilla, as always, is incomparable in her comments!

Marina, age: 41 / 11/17/2011

Hello, Zhenya.
Firstly, I want to tell you that life goes on... yes it hurts, it’s offensive, but it will pass... you are now in the past, you blame yourself, then her, then fate... without noticing it... you are offended, but believe me, this too will pass... think about the fact that you - here and now - you are real... and then you will be able to look at the world with love...
My husband left me (we lived together for 13 years), left us with our son (he’s 12) - he simply said that he didn’t love me anymore, and then he brought down all his discontent on me (it turned out that he had been dating someone else for 5 years, he loves her, she loves him dream, etc.) we broke up... after 8 months we decided to live together, but alas, miracles do not happen in the world... you cannot return what has already been lost...
Perhaps, in your case, you met a person, and he is uncomfortable with you, so it may be that you are cleaner, brighter, more well-mannered, people cannot always live with a person who is a head taller than them, they constantly need to reach out... and this is hard. ..maybe this is the reason...everyone is looking for what they deserve...
So look forward, don’t feel sorry for yourself, and everything will work out for you... Good luck to you.

Olga, age: 35 / 11/18/2011

Question for a psychologist:

Good afternoon. My problem is very serious and it has been bothering me for 2 months now.

The fact is that my friend (considered her the best) Anya stopped communicating with me. Over the past 6 months we have become very close and became friends. At that time, Anna was in a quarrel with her friends (Ulyana and Dasha). I have long wanted to start communicating with Anya, because I considered her very beautiful, sympathetic and kind. I might have wanted to be like her. So I started paying her a lot of attention, writing to her by email every day. Anya began to reach out to me.

After 3 months of our friendship, Anya made peace with her best friend Ulyana. (Ulyana, as I found out, hates me with all her heart and never wanted me to communicate with Anya.) The first weeks I was very upset that Anya communicated not only with me, but also with Ulyana, but I quickly came to terms with it.

A situation occurred in which the girls and I became very close - this was an attempt to lose weight. After strict diets, Anya lost weight to the point of dystrophy and is still being treated for it. At the height of her illness, she realized that she was sick and stopped going on various diets and watching food being prepared (this calmed her down). And after this realization, she sharply reduced our communication. I recently found out that Anya has made peace with Dasha and spends all her free time with her. When I start a conversation on social networks, Anya ignores my messages.

Yesterday I managed to talk with Anya and she told me that she was no longer interested in talking about diets and food, that my conversations were only about this and suggested cutting down communication to a minimum. I GOT VERY ATTACHED TO HER.

How to forget a friend? How to stop blaming yourself for this quarrel? Help me please.

Psychologist Nikolai Klimentievich Kider answers the question.

Hello, Evgeniya. To be honest, I did not understand what the quarrel was about that you write about at the end of the letter. I also don’t understand why you would generally forget the person for whom you feel, or felt, warmth? I mean that life is full, wide and multifaceted, and, in fact, there are a huge number of other topics for general conversations, both with Anya and her other friends. Starting from the simplest, discussion of films-music-books-boyfriends to something more original, for example, surfing.

Your friend gave a clear message, which was that talking about diets no longer interests her - great, find another topic. After all, if you look at it, the topic of weight loss and diets is traumatic for her, you yourself wrote that she got sick. And, quite naturally, she does not like these conversations.

To be honest, I have nothing more to add. Your friendship, which began on the basis of a common interest, can easily transform, take a new turn, on a new topic. Set a goal, find out what interests Anya and her friends, and “start from the beginning.” In the end, Anya didn’t say that you stopped being interesting to her. She said the topic was bad. Well, find something better! :)

My name is Christina. I really like my classmate Pasha, I have been studying with him for 2 years. We graduated from 9th grade and this summer, after graduation, we began to communicate well and go out with his company and my best friend Yulia. In the evening after graduation, Pasha and another childhood friend and classmate walked me home. Afterwards we stood near my house for a very long time and talked about everything... Then I realized that I liked him. We walked for about a month, everything was fine... And suddenly they told me through their friend Yulia that they didn’t want to communicate with me anymore! This was a blow for me, because for the first time I had good company with whom I could walk at any time. I decided to talk to Pasha about this, but he refused to explain to me why everything happened. He said that he was not such a good friend to me, but in fact he was dearer to me! I cried for a long time and didn’t go anywhere. I was in a lot of pain... A friend suggested telling Pasha that I really liked him, but I decided that it would be unnecessary. Please tell me where I was wrong, what I did wrong, why did they just decide to leave me? It is very important for me to know...

Christina, Volgograd, 16 years old / 08/09/11

Our experts' opinions

• Alyona

  I know how important it is at the age of 16 to know exactly why your friends suddenly stopped communicating with you, especially if you really like one of them. And I know that it is very difficult to get an explanation from friends who are only 16 why they do this. Simply because at the age of 16, actions are not always friendly with logic and common sense. Your classmate didn’t want to explain to you what was going on, because explanations might turn out to be stupid and he would look like a fool. This happens quite often at 16 years old. Youthful maximalism prevents you from thinking sensibly. Perhaps he imagined something or was told something about you. I wouldn’t even be surprised if this was done with the help of your best friend, who has now taken on the role of mediator between you and that guy. Can you explain why those guys continue to communicate with your “best” friend, convey such unpleasant news to you through her, and at the same time she doesn’t seem to know what influenced their decision not to communicate with you? Suspicious... So the last thing you should do is agree to this Julia of yours becoming your messenger of love to this stupid boy. Even if she has nothing to do with it, you don’t need intermediate links in relationships with guys. You should learn to defend your interests with dignity without the participation of intermediaries in the person of friends potentially interested in your failure. If that guy and his company were not your classmates with whom you will have to study for another two years, I would suggest that you forget about them. If only because such behavior towards you does not characterize them from the best side. It's ugly, ignoble and just stupid. At the third-fourth grade level of high school. But since you have yet to cross paths with them in class, I recommend plucking up courage and challenging the guy to an honest conversation. Not about love, of course. Say directly that you have every right to know why they decided to throw you out of the company like a kitten behind your back. And if the guy starts to shirk, call him a coward and tell him that you're glad you didn't fall in love with him before you realized that neither he nor his friends were worth wasting time on. And they walked away proudly. You are only 16 years old, in a few years you will remember all this with a smile, if at all.

• Sergey

  You know, Christina, in this case there can be any number of options as to why what happened happened. For example, you can assume that your friend told something to your common company. What and why - I don’t know. Maybe she liked this Pasha too. So I decided to eliminate my competitor. This is just an assumption, of course, but as far as I remember, in my school time such conflicts between best friends happened all the time. Of course, the situation may be completely different. For example, this Pasha himself has a girlfriend, and as soon as he found out that you liked him, he immediately decided to stop all communication so as not to “strain” his beloved. Or the guy just doesn't like you. Unfortunately, this also happens quite often. He still perceived you as an interlocutor, as a comrade, but not in any other capacity. And having received information that you were unevenly attracted to him, he immediately decided to break all ties. At your age, this is practiced as a matter of course. How did you find out? Well, again, you can ask your friend about this topic. In general, there can be many options. But you shouldn’t suffer too much about this. If only because the young man’s behavior turned out to be very far from noble. Normal guys don't behave like that. And, therefore, it is worth saying a big thank you to fate for opening its eyes to a person in time. After all, you could just explain yourself, talk, find out the situation. A person who simply throws someone out of their social circle without reason or any explanation cannot be a good person. Why waste time on bad people? Let them live well in their own way, but away from you. Besides, just take my word for it, in just two years, and perhaps even earlier, the situation will change dramatically. You will graduate from school, move away, grow up and begin to look at the world with different eyes. And you will begin to evaluate everything that happened differently. So don't worry too much. Of course, it is very unpleasant when you are “dumped” in this way. But, on the other hand, this is experience. And the experience, even if negative, is already good. Next time you will be wiser.