We live in a society and there are many people around us. At school, at college, at work, and even in the bakery - it seems that we are never alone. And yet, for some of us, in this abundance of people around, it is very difficult to become sociable, to easily find new friends, and to enjoy friendship. And I was like that. This is my story about how I became cheerful, sociable and interesting, and now I don’t suffer from loneliness at all.
"How to become more sociable!? Where to find friends?" - this question always tormented me, it beat in my brain and gave me no rest - “It’s not normal that I’m like this.” And yet, despite all my desire, I remained a very closed person who had no friends at all. This is despite the fact that I am not disabled, I have never been outside of society, I, like everyone else, studied at school, at the institute, worked in a large team, went to the pool and yoga, learned English and much more. But there was always some kind of burden of loneliness. It seems like there are people you know, but no friends. And communication somehow doesn’t start at all with anyone in the world.
How I suffered that I couldn’t find new friends
I don’t know how to describe it exactly, but I think anyone who has experienced this tearing feeling of loneliness, pleasant and unpleasant at the same time, will understand me. On the one hand, it has always been very difficult for me to get into contact with new people. No, no, I can say hello, find out a name, talk, but... then it’s like a wall. What should I talk to him about? How to be more sociable if you don’t know what to talk about? What to build friendship around? It seems like I want to be friends, but I don’t know how to be friends. And most importantly, others are friends. Why can't I do it?
On the other hand, if a person forced himself on me as a friend, I always immediately became a real sullen hedgehog and tried with all my might to escape from this communication. I came up with a thousand reasons why I didn’t want to communicate, which probably sounded completely idiotic. But at such a moment, one thing was always important to me - to get rid of the annoying person as soon as possible. I didn’t even understand why, I just ran away and that’s it. Very often in the literal sense of the word. It was at such moments that the question of how to become more sociable certainly never occurred to me.
I constantly suffered from my loneliness. Sometimes I wanted to walk around the city with someone, talk about nothing with a friend, go to the cinema - well, how can you do all this alone? If only there was someone... Just what kind of girlfriend can I have if I rarely have such desires. Girls need close communication with a cheerful, sociable friend, and not vice versa. Well, at least it seemed so to me then.
I remember as a child, until the 4th grade, I really loved to sit at home, on the balcony. From the fourth floor I had a clear view of the playground and the children who were frolicking there. But I never joined them myself - my parents were tired of kicking me out of the house and gave up the matter, leaving me alone on the balcony, in splendid isolation. At that time I had only one girlfriend, my neighbor Tanya, and even then, she often bothered me emotionally. Therefore, I took a break in our relationship, pretended that I was not at home (I did not open the door) and sat on the balcony. I liked the children on the playground, they played rubber bands and hopscotch, they ran around. And in my dreams I, too, ran and jumped, was very cheerful and sociable - moreover, I imagined myself as the ringleader in the games, it seemed to me that I was winning, and everyone was jealous of me. I often imagined that all these children were my close, good friends who doted on me. That they vying with each other to invite me to play, invite me to birthdays, they want to be friends with me, and not vice versa. But all this was only in dreams. Like an invisible line, the glass on the balcony seemed to separate me from the rest of society. Did I want to be like everyone else? Yes. Did I want to play like them? Yes. Did I want to be cheerful and sociable? Yes. Did I want to be the center of attention? Oh yeah! And I had it all. But only in my imagination.
But in fact, I didn’t communicate with many people and I didn’t understand why. Then, as a child, I noticed that my expressions of emotions were somehow different from everyone else’s. I remember our class teacher became very ill in the 6th grade, and she was gone for 2 whole months. And then she suddenly walked into the class, so beautiful and terribly joyful, and all the girls rushed to her, began to hug, kiss - they laughed, cried, rejoiced. And I stood aside. And I just felt like I was standing like an idol. It’s somehow abnormal, not like everyone else. There was no special facial expression on my face, although I was also very happy that the teacher had returned. Now I understand that I experienced very deep emotions, no less than my peers, but deep in my soul. And there was nothing wrong with my such behavior. But then I scolded myself terribly and on the way home I imagined how I, too, would rush into the teacher’s arms and in general.
How I imagined myself becoming more social and making many friends
Since then, it has become a habit for me to imagine friendship or emotions, and very strong and vivid ones. Every time some event happened in which I did not participate emotionally, like everyone else, I scolded myself and imagined what I should have done. And next time, I thought, it will be exactly like this. But the next time came, and I was again an emotionless idol, unable to behave adequately in society. Well, how could I become more sociable, more cheerful, how to make new friends? Only in dreams! But you can’t go for a walk or to the cinema with dreams!
When I bought my first mobile phone, I filled in only 4 names, 2 of which were my relatives, and another one was a teacher from the institute, and the fourth was the head of the group from whom I took all the assignments. I felt so sad, and I asked my fellow students for phone numbers. I put them in the phone’s memory, although I knew that I would never, ever call them. Simply because I have nothing to tell them. And they will never call me because they didn’t even ask for my phone number. No one called me or sent me an SMS. And when I felt terrible melancholy from loneliness, I sent myself SMS messages with congratulations, cute remarks and emoticons.
It always seemed to me that I was some kind of extra person in the group, in the team. How to become more sociable? Cheerful and resourceful? Is this even possible or do people like me not deserve to make new friends? It’s as if I am, it’s as if they’re talking to me. But they don’t take me in company, they don’t invite me to drink beer (by the way, if they did, I would immediately refuse, but that’s a fact!) Other people express emotions, rejoice, gossip, discuss something, but I don’t at all . Just like in childhood, I’m like an idol - if I don’t forget to force myself to smile at a crucial moment, then I’ll still look more or less normal. What if I forget and if it’s the moment of presenting a birthday cake at work?
I seemed to be a good person. I didn't harm anyone. I am a kind, sweet, sympathetic, but... too distant person. And just as I pulled away from everyone, they pulled away from me.
Today everything has changed. I'm not like that at all - I easily get in touch with people and I have a lot of friends. I’m not interested in how to become more sociable, simply because I never have problems with communication. Not because I changed my facial expressions, but because I know human psychology, and at first glance I understand with whom I will be interested and comfortable, and who will be too intrusive for me and with whom it will be difficult for me. I learned all this with the help of system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. And you, too, can just as easily find new friends, make acquaintances, and become more sociable, thanks to this training. Sign up for free classes by clicking on this link, and just below, let’s try to figure out, through the spectrum of system-vector thinking, what was the reason for my isolation and inability to communicate normally with other people.
Why is it very difficult for some people, like me, to be cheerful, sociable and easy to make new friends?
Let's first understand the situation. A huge number of friends, constant communication, a cheerful, hectic life - this is actually a great rarity, advertised in beautiful Hollywood films. The vast majority of people don't live like that. Ordinary people have a family, a few friends, a small circle of acquaintances, and this is enough for them to live a comfortable life.
There are, however, people who seem to us to be people with a lot of friends. These are people who have the oral vector. They are jokers by nature; they speak first and think later. The oralist very easily makes contact with complete strangers, tells jokes, and becomes the life of the party. This communication has nothing to do with friendship or long-term, emotional contacts, although outwardly it may seem so to us.
So, everyone loves oralists and everyone laughs at their jokes. They are very sociable and have no problems making new friends. There are only 5% of such people, and if you do not have an oral vector (this can be determined at the training on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan), then you will not be able to become such a person. Of course, you can try, strain and play the role of an oral vector, but why would you not his own life, but the life of a completely different person. In fact, it will not bring any joy and happiness. An oralist is naturally endowed with his own talent - he makes people laugh and becomes the main one in the company because this is his role in society, and not because he wants to be the center of attention, he just manages to be that way - without tension or acting.
If a non-speaker tries to tell a joke from a speaker in another company, even repeating it word for word, then most likely it will turn out to be completely unfunny, and even the teller himself will feel this. The nature of an oral speaker is to make people laugh, and he acquires this skill from birth.
There are other extroverts, these are spectators, and urethrals, and skinners - everyone has their own desires and their own relationship with the group of people that surrounds them. They communicate with others in their own way and build relationships. But again, if by nature you are not such a person, then these roles will not suit you.
There are also people who find it difficult to find new friends and make acquaintances - they are introverts by nature, they are less sociable. Not in the sense that they are bad - they just have different needs, different desires. They are more closed and it is difficult for them to communicate with others: these are people who have, for example, an anal vector - they have ONE childhood friend, they communicate with classmates until old age, but it is difficult for them to make new friends, since they are very conservative. Yes, by and large they don’t want this. People with a muscular vector and an olfactory vector are the same introverts - but they do not suffer from their desire to be alone.
But the situations described above that happened to me are typical problems of a person with a sound vector.
The sound guy is the biggest introvert and it is very difficult for him to go out to people and communicate. Too much, intrusive communication is painful for him, one might even say unpleasant. And at the same time, he wants to communicate - somewhere deep in the subconscious, it is people with the sound vector, at least in a developed state, who understand that the people around them are very important, moreover, they want to communicate with a large number of people, they dream of this. But how to implement all this? The task seems unsolvable, but it is not.
People shouldn't force themselves and should not try to be like someone else: even if this is the most popular image in movies or books. We are happy not when we play someone else's role, but when we fully understand our desires. We are who we are. And we are very comfortable with people like ourselves. This is especially important for sound people.
Sound people need to communicate more with people like themselves - people with a sound vector. It is in this, albeit small circle, that one can find common interests. It is here that they do not expect jokes, but want knowledge of the universe, they want spiritual communication, and not simple ha-ha-ha. Moreover, in a circle of people like himself, the sound artist will not feel either the intrusiveness of the environment or loneliness. Having found that same sound vector in ourselves, having determined all its desires, having understood ourselves to the end, we, sound people, can find real great joy from communicating with other people.
The easiest way for a sound engineer to find others, the same sound engineers as himself, and to discover a world of interesting communication and friendship, is through trainings on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. It was after completing these trainings that I had exactly as many friends as I needed - I don’t write text messages to myself, I don’t miss evenings by the window, I don’t dream of friendship. I know people with whom I am comfortable and who are comfortable with me. And I am happy from communicating with them.
You can read the results of those who have already completed the training at this link.
See how the lectures are going, can you do it right now?– follow this link and watch any video.
Friendship is one of the most important things in every person's life. However, just because you have no friends at all doesn't mean your life has to be miserable. Learn to cope with your situation by developing kindness and compassion for yourself. Also, learn to find joy in your solitude. Of course, loneliness can be a real challenge. However, by enlisting the support of others and developing a positive attitude, you will be able to overcome the lack of friends. Also, don't isolate yourself from others. Spend time where you can meet new people. Consider your new acquaintances as potential friends.
Steps
Coping with loneliness
- If you can't stop crying when you're analyzing your feelings, cry. There is no shame in letting your emotions out. You will feel much better if you let go of your tears.
- Analyzing feelings and emotions does not mean that you need to go headlong into thinking about your inner feelings. Taking time to examine your feelings can help you overcome them.
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Focus on achieving your goals. If you feel lonely, direct all your strength and energy towards achieving your goals. Are you dreaming of further education? Study hard and get good grades. If you want to travel, start saving money.
Do what you enjoy. It is quite possible to enjoy being alone. The main thing is to do what brings you pleasure. Perhaps you enjoy writing, hiking, or drawing. Do what you like. Your mood will improve. In addition, you will be able to get to know yourself better.
- Visit your favorite artist's exhibition. You may not like the idea of having to go alone. However, when you come to the exhibition, you will not feel alone. You will meet many people who have something in common - a love for the paintings of a certain artist.
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Spend time with your family. Your family members live under the same roof with you. They can be great friends, even if you don't think so at first glance. Spend time with your parents or siblings. Visit them as often as possible. You may think that they are of no use and cannot help you during difficult times in your life, but this is not true.
- Create a new and fun tradition in your family, such as dedicating Friday nights to games. Don't forget the pizza!
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Get a pet. Of course, animals cannot replace humans, but they can become true friends who can reduce stress and fill your life with meaning. You can adopt a dog or cat from your local animal shelter. Very often, pets help you find new friends! Sometimes animals act as a link in communication. Having a pet will give you an extra reason to go outside and chat with other pet owners on the street or in the park.
Develop kindness and compassion for yourself. This means treating yourself with love, respect and kindness. Are you going through a difficult period in your life? Believe me, you are not alone. It is difficult to find a person who does not experience such feelings. Everyone experiences loneliness sooner or later. If you feel lonely, this does not mean that there is something wrong with you. In fact, this is what makes you human!
Accept your feelings. The feeling of loneliness is a painful emotional experience. However, it is important to accept this feeling rather than try to suppress it. Take time to analyze your emotions and feelings. Notice the lump in your throat, pressure in your chest, and empty feeling in your stomach. Thanks to this, you can move on to the next step - overcoming your feelings.
Find friends
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Start the conversation first . Every day we are surrounded by many potential friends. However, we may experience fear at the thought of approaching a person and starting a conversation with him. Don't give up on your intention - you can do it! Take a deep breath and ask a stranger a question or comment on the situation you are in. People like to talk about themselves and their interests, so structure your conversation with the person by following this rule.
- For example, imagine you are standing in line at a grocery store. In front of you in the same line is a teenager playing on his smartphone. You could say, “You're doing great. What is the purpose of this game?
- Try asking an open-ended question that requires a detailed answer from the person, instead of a monosyllabic “yes” or “no.”
- An example of an open-ended question that requires a detailed answer: “You said that you like to ski. What do you like most about it?”
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Look for opportunities to be in society. If you feel lonely or unsure of socializing with others, you may be reluctant to attend parties or similar events. However, these events provide opportunities to develop communication skills. Put aside your fears and worries and go to the party to which you received an invitation. Believe me, this is a justified risk. He will be rewarded with new friends!
- Observe the people around you. This will make you like them even before you get to know them. In psychology, this method is called the simple exposure effect. Choose a place where there are people, such as a cafe, and spend time there. You can make friends with the employees of the chosen establishment or the regulars of this cafe.
If you feel lonely and would like to make new friends, know that you are not the only one who wants this.
Many people are hoping to make new friends just like you, they just don't know where to start.
Here's a list of 29 different, super easy ways to make new friends.
We hope you can take away some new ideas and never feel alone again.
1. Volunteer somewhere. Volunteering will allow you to join a new community of people and connect with others who have similar interests.
2. Take some courses (art, cooking, foreign language, etc.)- Again, you will have the opportunity to meet and interact with new people with similar interests.
4. Rekindle old friendships- if you think carefully, then there are probably many people whom you know and who were previously good friends with whom you would not mind reconnecting.
5. Join a sports team- Being on a sports team gives you automatic exposure to a whole new community of people, plus it's a great way to have fun with others.
6. Go to church— many modern churches are full of young and old people. Many of them are very friendly. There are many different social events and people have a great sense of community.
7. Walk the dog– whether you believe it or not, you can meet a lot of people while walking your dog!
8. Invite your neighbor to a barbecue– and even better than many neighbors! Why not take advantage of the fact that you have neighbors and communicate with them.
9. Invite a work colleague for a drink or a movie— your workplace is a great place to make new friends. Since you've already met your work colleagues, it will probably be easier to strike up a conversation and communicate with them than to try to make friends with a complete stranger.
10. Take the initiative to hang out with someone you would like to see more often— is there someone who catches your eye from time to time? Or maybe you only see them in a group of people? Be brave and ask if they would like to go somewhere one-on-one with you.
11. Do your best to attend events and parties.– you may be scared to meet new people or you just can’t get your head around it. But remember, the more you surround yourself with new people, the more likely you are to meet new friends.
12. Don't be too picky - keep an open mind when meeting new people. Often people can be a little shy or act differently in front of other people, so judging them too quickly could cost you a potential new friend.
13. Be confident— tell yourself that you are a fun, interesting and valuable friend. Leave the house only with such confidence. You will see that as much as you value and believe in yourself, other people will value and believe in you.
14. Give a ride to a work colleague– perhaps you are embarrassed to invite your colleague to go somewhere. Take advantage of the opportunity for a ride to break the ice and learn better.
15. Attend festivals and tournaments are great places to meet lots of new people.
16. Join a Book Club– By attending a book club, you will be able to connect with people on a deeper level and can discuss and share ideas.
17. Steal friends from friends— our friends, as a rule, have their own friends. Why not make friends with friends of friends? It's more likely that they probably have similar interests.
18. Participate in conferences— there may be hundreds or even thousands of people present. This means that there will be a lot of new people there that you can meet and keep in touch with in the future.
19. Talk to strangers- you never know what kind of people are passing around you. Who knows, maybe you'll start talking to someone who's similar to you, also looking for new friends, and maybe you'll even have mutual acquaintances. Try it, they shouldn't bite you.
20. Don't be afraid to introduce yourself- if you go to various events and parties, but are afraid to introduce yourself, then, unfortunately, you will not meet many new friends.
21. Invite people and initiate meetings with people you don't know very well but would like to know better - it's easier to invite people you don't know that well to a party at your house than to invite them to go to a coffee shop.
22. Throw a party and invite everyone, with the option for everyone to bring one more friend (plus one)– at such a party there will be many new faces, and you will be known to them as the host. This will give you an excuse to approach and meet people you don't know.
23. Look for common interests- if you discover in a conversation with someone that you have the same interests, play on this! Ask if they would like to join you from time to time in activities of interest.
24. Keep in touch with new people you meet.— don’t forget to keep in touch with the people you met. You may feel awkward if you don't know them well, but just remember that some of them would like to be your friends.
25. Go out with just one friend and make it a point to meet someone new - when you're out with a group of people, you're less likely to meet new people. Being with only one friend makes it easy to chat and make friends with new people.
26. Participate in forums– There are many different forums that cover different topics and interests. If you are looking for people to communicate with on a deeper level, to share experiences, then the forum is a great place to start such a relationship. In the forum you will find like-minded people who think similarly and have tasks and goals similar to yours.
27. If you have kids, organize playdates for your kids with other kids (and make friends with their parents!) - Brilliant! This is one of the smartest ways to make new friends, as you can secretly use your child as a reason to get acquainted.
28. Talk to as many people as possible- If you are at an event, party or anywhere else, take the opportunity to talk to more people. There are thousands of people around you - your potential friends, but if you don't talk to them, you will never know them.
29. Know how to listen to others- Don’t just talk about yourself, listen and ask questions to others. The best way to make new friends is to show them that you are interested in them. The truth is that people are only interested in people who are interested in them.
Your turn…
Now it's up to you! You already have 29 super easy ways to make new friends.
Have you taken any of the ideas listed above into your personal arsenal? If yes, which ones exactly? Or maybe you have any other ideas to add to this list? Share with us in the comments below...
Hello! The fact is that I have no real friends. I am 18 years old, I am currently a first year student. In childhood, until I was 10 years old, we were friends, then we moved often, I changed schools and did not form strong friendships with anyone.
Then there was a group of friends, we met and talked, but I gradually began to feel that I was not interested in being with them, and to them I seemed like some kind of stranger. Different interests, different perceptions of the world.
So I gradually moved away from them, now we don’t communicate.
Then at art school I seemed to find friends with whom I had a common language and interests. But when I finished painting, some disappeared, and I only communicate with the rest on the internet. At the new school, in the 8th grade, I was withdrawn, because I was offended that the “leaders” boys bullied and humiliated people who were not like them (although more worthy and decent guys).
I was also made fun of at first, but I managed to stand up for myself and in high school I was respected and left alone. The classmates were more like friends, not friends.
It happens that I find people with whom it is interesting to communicate, and I think that over time we will become good friends, but all of them either already have or are gradually appearing good friends, and I am somewhere in the background. And it’s not clear what’s wrong with me? Or are they just unsuitable people?
So it turns out that I have a lot of good friends and acquaintances, but I have no one to go somewhere with. Lately I've started to worry a lot about this. Life passes by. Previously, this only happened during the holidays, when you sat at home all the time.
It always seemed that if I started going somewhere (for example, dancing) I would definitely find a friend, I thought that I had to wait a little and friends would appear. Now I’m terrified that I’ll have to wait my whole life.
On holidays and weekends, my peers all go out somewhere, but I’m at home, and in order not to be sad, I try to spend time productively. I go out somewhere at best once a month.
And it seems to me that I will never have a boyfriend (I have never even met anyone) ((. Just a few months ago this did not depress me. I don’t understand those who hang themselves on the neck of the first person they meet, and then tell how much she had boyfriends.
As soon as I turned 18, loneliness became very, very oppressive.
I am quite sociable, but unobtrusive, open, I not only listen but also hear people, if it is interesting to communicate with a person, I do not pay attention to any character flaws, clothes, appearance. I don’t want to seem boastful, but I think that I understand people well and have a good understanding of people, because I am very interested in psychology.
Now, at the university, I have found friends, but I am afraid that I will become a “backup option” for them, because they already have closer friends. I don’t have sisters the same age either, I would be happy if I had them.
Mom says that perhaps I still keep some distance from people, I don’t open up too much, although I don’t think so. She doesn't have any friends either, only acquaintances.
Help me, I don't know what to do. I understand that I need to change something in myself, but I don’t know what.
If a person is lonely, if he has no girlfriend, no boyfriend, no friends, this is a difficult and painful situation. There are no people in the world who constantly want to be alone. Yes, of course, sometimes it is necessary, you want to be alone with yourself, but this is a temporary state. Sooner or later, you will still want to communicate.
Do you often wonder “why don’t I have friends”? Feeling lonely? So this article is for you, we will try to figure it out:
with the reasons for your loneliness;
Let's look for a way out of the situation.
But, first of all, we want to note that in 9 out of 10 cases, the problem lies with you. Perhaps it is you who are doing something wrong and scaring those around you.
Why don't I have friends?
It’s difficult to admit your own mistakes and quirks; not everyone can be self-critical either. However, such qualities are very useful to have, especially if you want to have more friends.
We will look at 5 main mistakes due to which a person does not have good friends or close people.
№ 1: You complain all the time
Constant grumbling and whining may be the reason why you have no friends. Judge for yourself, if you are negative so often that you don’t even notice it, then there is nothing surprising in the fact that no one wants to communicate with you.
Any psychologist will tell you that such behavior is selfish. By constantly complaining (it doesn’t even matter about what: life, relationships, work, etc.) you express your own opinion, and that is what is important to you. Moreover, everyone else must agree. So?
But in fact, not at all. This behavior, in most cases, annoys people. And they simply don’t want to communicate with such whiners.
№ 2: You forgot about your friends
This often happens when we meet our soulmate. And it's only natural that at the beginning of a relationship you want to spend as much time as possible with your partner. But friends also need to pay attention.
If this is not done, they may feel exploited and resentful. And, by the way, there will be nothing surprising in this. Wouldn't you be offended if someone came to you only out of boredom or for help? Same thing. Friendships must be respected!
Is your new love really taking up all your free time? Can't you find a few hours for your friends?
Falling in love very often blinds us so much that we begin to forget about loved ones: we meet with them less often, we call each other less often. And if we do this, then only “on business”.
Never leave your friends when you have a new partner. You may still break up with him. And true friends are a great treasure.
№ 3: Expectations are too high
Another possible reason why you don't have friends is that your expectations from them are too high. This phenomenon is also common in relationships between a man and a woman.
When you expect certain things from others, it can sometimes be difficult for the other person to meet those expectations. It's important to understand that no one will behave a certain way just because you want them to. Free yourself and those around you from your high expectations and hopes. All this destroys friendship.
№ 4: You have low self-esteem
Another common reason for not having friends is low self-esteem. This directly affects the occurrence of difficulties with interpersonal relationships. People with low self-esteem often isolate themselves from society, and this must be combated. Ask a psychologist for advice, the doctor will help you solve the problem, and you will finally be able to meet new people.
Advice: start going to the gym or sign up for interesting courses. This way you will understand that there are other people who are friendly and could very well be your friends.
Be open to meeting new people!
