My husband died 16 days ago. I cannot accept this fact. The child remains. I don’t understand why the Lord sends such tests? I had everything: a house, a loving husband, warmth and comfort. With him was like behind a stone wall. And now ... After the funeral, his mother kicked me and my son out of the house, because everything was written down on her and she was just afraid that I would claim some kind of inheritance. And I don't need anything. That's how I lost everything. Now with a small son we live with my parents. I got a job, but I can’t cope with myself and get distracted, I think about him all the time and cry. And at night, in general, panic begins .. And I want to yell, and roar and run somewhere. Parents say: Don't kill yourself like that! How not to get killed? I love him and miss him very much. I do not know what to do. How to live on? I've lost everything... Nobody needs me. No one supports me the way he did. I always feel like this is a dream. Although it looks more like someone. To my coma. Everything froze. Do not want to live. I don't even want to for my son. It hurts too much without a husband. I think about death all the time.
Support the site:

Ksyu, age: 27/26.06.2018

Responses:

Ksyushenka, how I want to hug you. And share your grief with you. Now the main thing is to live it. Let yourself cry. Recall. Gradually the pain will subside. Very little time has passed. It's great that you have parents and a son. They protect you. Dear, dear Ksyusha, I don't think that God is punishing you. Pray for your husband, the pain will subside. His soul is alive. Can you imagine if he wants you, his love, to suffer? No. Strength to you, support, yes, it is very painful when you lose a part of yourself, a loved one. Let the pain subside. You are great that you have found a job, but if not in a hurry, if there is no special need for money, do volunteer work, start helping at least animals. Get distracted by other people's concerns. It's very healing! Allow yourself to live the loss and do something for his soul, pray, help others. Take care of yourself!

Laskovaya, age: -- / 06/27/2018

Hello Ksu! I really sympathize with your loss, this is a great grief ((But you are not alone, you have parents who support you, you have a son who is part of your beloved!
Grief has several stages, and your emotions have a place to be. Cry, shout, show these emotions, do not restrain yourself. Time will help you, which will dull the pain a little.
But don't say that no one needs you! Parents and son need you first of all. No need to put an end to everything, just accept this pain, live it. It's hard for you right now, but it won't always be like this. Do you go to church? Maybe it can ease the pain a little. Perhaps you should consult a good psychologist? It can also help if you want to talk it out, if you want to talk to someone who understands you and can help?

Asya, age: 36 / 06/27/2018

Dear Ksyu, I cannot but write to you. Once I also buried the person I loved. I was then 25, but we, unlike you, did not have children. I remember myself at that time and my pain - the physical pain of losing a loved one. This pain lived with me all the time, let go only in a dream. My chest hurt like there was a hole. I never thought about death, because I knew that, firstly, it was a sin and I knew that after me there would be a mother who would have to live with this. With the knowledge that her only daughter killed herself. And they will look askance at her in the street, and she will never forgive herself for not saving me from such irreparable stupidity.
But it's not about me - it's about you. Now you are in deep GROWTH. Recognize this and give yourself time to live and experience it. How much time you personally need for this - no one knows. It could be months, or it could be years. Only one thing can be said for sure - every day the wound will heal and one day it will stop hurting. It's hard for you to believe it now, it seems to you that it's forever, but it's not. One day the pain will stop! To help yourself overcome GRIEF, you need to: just live every day, do the simplest things every day: get up, wash your face, have breakfast, kiss your child, etc. The simplest, everyday things: washing, mopping the floor, cooking, etc. You have a child - and this is your salvation now. You don't even know what. He really needs you, and you need him. Your child is also suffering now, even if he does not understand what happened to his mother - he feels your condition and he feels very bad. Don't push him away, you have to help him (feel safe) and he will help you - he will show you what you live for.
Do not think about death, the desire to commit suicide is very destructive for both your body and your soul. I believe that you are a believer. God knows best what we need to save our souls and never sends trials that we cannot bear, NEVER. I myself heard these words many times, but their meaning did not reach me right away. It seems to us that Fate is unfair to us, but it is not. She is only testing us to see if we can survive. If we can, we will become stronger. You definitely can. You are only 27 years old, which is very young and you have your whole life ahead of you. One day she will bring you gifts that YOU cannot even wish for yourself now.
But still, the main thing now is that you just live. Live every day, live it, do not fence yourself off from grief, feel it, "kill yourself", but at the same time believe that you have enough strength to endure.

Inna, age: 42 / 06/27/2018

From your words it is clear that the husband meant a lot in your life, the stronger the pain. Go to the site to talk about it if you want.
Explain to your loved ones that it is important for you now not to pretend that nothing happened, but to speak out. Maybe you have friends who will support you.
The mother-in-law dealt you a second, additional blow, clearly not realizing its consequences. And now, in addition to the loss of your husband and father, both you and your child will have to get used to the house, a different way of life, a different environment. Although not among strangers, but still every thing, the clock on the wall, the plate, the bed - everything is different. I don’t think that as a mother she suffers less than yours, but ... wisdom is expected from the elders. Maybe you or your parents will be wiser, talk to her about the fact that you do not pretend to anything in order to restore at least communication for the sake of the child, her grandson? If it helps now.
My condolences.

Nadezhda, age: 36 / 27.06.2018

Dear Ksyusha!

Your loss is an incredible pain... only someone who has also lost her beloved husband can understand this. And I cannot express in words the great grief I feel in your letter. It is incredibly painful to be alone without a loved one.

Your "coma" and not wanting to live is a stage that all widows go through. And it's incredibly heavy. People sometimes do not know how to react to death, and instead of support, on the contrary, they step back - they stop looking into the eyes, calling, talking, coming to visit. Or they say some ridiculous words from which it hurts even more.

One of the possible ways to experience this is to turn to a psychotherapist. Cry on his shoulder, sob, and yell. The loss of a loved one is the strongest trauma, and it is difficult to experience it alone. An experienced specialist will help alleviate your suffering. Although it won't be easy. The only thing that saves us is the time we have to wait. Counting down day by day.
But going through this is really better with someone than alone. Please think about it.

Maria Rebellious, age: 33 / 06/27/2018

Need to live. And for the sake of your son, and you are still young. Do you think that if you end your life here and meet your husband there, will he approve of your act? And if you courageously endure everything and put your son on his feet, imagine how your husband will be grateful to you at the meeting.

Sergey, age: 53 / 06/27/2018

Hello. Xu, please accept my condolences. Of course, losing loved ones is unbearably painful, but the son is not to blame for anything, he needs a mother! Time heals, honey. Gradually the wound will heal. Perhaps the mother-in-law acted in a state of shock, time will pass, and she will come to her senses, begin to communicate with you and her grandson. If there is no desire to fight for the inheritance, then it is not necessary, but if you remember something, your son is the direct heir and has rights. Go to a psychologist, drink vitamins, antidepressants. Brace yourself. We are with you.

Irina, age: 30 / 06/27/2018

Dear Xenia, I sympathize with you from the bottom of my heart. Be sure to go to the site http://www.memoriam.ru/ and also register on the forum of the same site, also http://www.memoriam.ru/oni-perezhili-poteryu. I would like to support you in this difficult moment, because your loved one has passed away, and this is truly painful and bitter! And grief can only be lived through tears, sobs, and time heals everything ...; and no matter how hard it is now - to recognize as valid - the fact of what happened! Honey, you will have to come to terms with a heavy loss - this is his fate. And yours is to live on, and the best thing you can do in memory of him is to become the happiest! Since this is the purpose of a living person, and then - his soul will be at rest. Over time, you will have other feelings that are important to realize and live, just don’t reproach yourself for anything! You have a child, you must hold on for him and be strong. Continue to live, learn to live in this world without the one you have lost. Do not think that he has disappeared into nowhere. The memory of him will always live in your heart. Hold on dear, please hold on!!

Mulan, age: 26/27.06.2018

Previous request Next request
Return to the beginning of the section

Recent requests for help

19.01.2020 I broke up with my husband, I was fired, and my mother was dying. I want to die, I hope that the pain that burns inside me will somehow come out.

19.01.2020 I am 32, I was left without a job, I have three children, what to do, how to raise children ... Hunting to end my life, but betrayal, how to be ...

19.01.2020 My hands drop and I want to disappear from this world. My wife managed to turn her daughter against me and teach me to call all sorts of obscenities ...

Read other requests

A woman who, by the will of fate, has become a widow, experiences a huge emotional shock, her whole world changes its shape.

In such conditions, the answer to the question of how to survive the death of a beloved husband becomes vital and relevant.

The loss of a loved one is always a tragedy, grief and pain, but the death of a beloved husband turns into even greater experiences. The relationship of the spouses is very complex, there is a special, incomparable connection between them, because they share worries, joys, sorrows and good luck for two.

For many years they create a common life, equip their existence, raise children, warm each other at night. And when one day a beloved, most dear person suddenly leaves, the soul of a loving companion falls into the abyss of grief, loneliness and hopelessness.

Is there a way out of this situation? How can a wife come to terms with the terrible word "widow" and learn to live on? And is it possible?

Trapped in grief

At first, the shock of the death of a loved one is so strong that it is impossible to calm down. But trying to immediately overcome this state is not worth it, and it will not work, the psyche saves itself with such a stupor.

At this moment, a woman left without support and support after the death of her husband may be tormented by guilt, usually imaginary, thinking about whether she could somehow change the course of things. This is an inevitable step that should not be emphasized.

Many young women who have lost their relatives and loved ones in the prime of life experience anger caused by despair towards others for their well-being, insufficient, according to the widow, grief for the departed.

If this emotional state does not go away for a long time or is aggravated, it is necessary to consult a psychologist.

Unwilling to accept the inevitable, the heartbroken woman mentally denies what happened, does not allow the thought that this could happen to her. The result of deep experiences can be depression, detachment from life, a state of indifference and apathy.

In the first days after the incident, such experiences are inevitable and partly normal, you have to go through them, but prolonged concentration on them is already dangerous.

Therefore, it is so important to start the next stage - to learn to live without a loved one, to rebuild your world and life.

How to get over the death of a loved one

To lose a loved one means to experience a severe shock, from which it is difficult to recover. This may take years, much depends on the personality of the woman.

Time cures

Sometimes you need to rely on this ancient statement and just believe that weeks, months will pass, and the pain will slowly recede, hide in the far corner of the soul and will remind you of yourself with rare influxes of light sadness and nostalgia.

Let yourself grieve

This is necessary for the soul to be tempered in the crucible of loss and become ready for a new life. Such heavy emotions cannot be driven into oneself, and it is simply dangerous to "strengthen", demonstrating one's resilience in the face of trials.

You can only heal by understanding and accepting your pain. Unshed tears and unsuffering grief will become an obstacle on the path to renewal, and can provoke difficult emotional states in the future.

Letting go doesn't mean falling out of love

It seems to some women that any attempt to cope with grief, to reduce it, is a betrayal of a dead husband. But by doing so, they not only mourn his death, but also end their lives.

Incessant memories of the past, regrets, tears, seclusion, withdrawal into oneself - is this what a person who loves you would want?

Keep the memory of him in your heart, but continue to live and try to enjoy every moment, because in the face of death it takes on a special value.

It is necessary to reconcile and let go of the deceased, it is not for nothing that religions testify that the inconsolability of the living darkens the spirit of the dead.

Support of loved ones

Children, relatives, friends can help to survive the death of a beloved husband. You need to turn to them more often, to be in their company, to take care of them. This will allow you to escape from bitter thoughts and gradually get involved in real life.

Their love will help the wound to heal faster, give the necessary support and warmth.

Charity

Many women see salvation in helping those in need. They go to hospitals, shelters or look for people who have also lost loved ones.

By helping others, by sharing difficult moments with them, suffering women learn resilience in facing grief.

Often the death of a loved one comes suddenly, the wife does not have time to tell him about her feelings, about how much he meant to her, maybe ask for forgiveness for some things or thank him for his love and care. This exacerbates grief and despair.

Psychologists advise you to write a letter to your husband and express in it all the cherished things that there was no time for in daily chores. Having poured out her experiences on paper, a woman will lighten her burden and be able to think about her future life.

Many wives see their main task as caring for their husband, they subordinate their life to his interests, plans and preferences. And in every family, an important part of a woman's life is connected with a man, so when he suddenly disappears, it is difficult for a widow to find something to do and learn to be alone.

At this point, it is time to live for yourself, to concentrate on your own needs and desires. It is important to be able to build an action plan that will help you get distracted and not feel abandoned.

Setting new goals should be a prerequisite. At first it will be difficult, but if the landmark was chosen correctly, it will soon begin to attract and help to leave tragic events behind.

Psychologists advise to give yourself more time, take care of your appearance, health. Positive visual changes will steadily lead to an improvement in the internal state.

Creativity will help to find a way out of feelings and sensations. Start painting, writing poetry, crafting, taking pictures or cooking. This will allow you to feel the taste of life again, get distracted and gradually return to normal.

Well, if creativity is connected with communication of interests, this will expand the circle of acquaintances and bring new impressions.

In general, it is worth more contact with the outside world. If at first strangers will strain, you can just wander the streets, sit in a quiet cafe.

The rapid flow of life around will definitely touch some strings, make you think about yourself and the need for changes for the better.

Sometimes it is useful to visit a psychologist, he will not only listen patiently, but also recommend what additional steps need to be taken to speed up the process of rehabilitation and return to normal life.

The death of a beloved husband is a catastrophe that needs to be experienced, comprehended and overcome, bringing together all your vitality and desire.

There are many ways to achieve this goal, most importantly, the woman’s own desire and her understanding that the death of the dearest person is irreversible, you will have to come to terms with this and learn how to fully live with bright memory, gratitude and warmth.

Video: Husband died. How not to lose yourself

Man, unfortunately, is not eternal - and even the best, most beloved people leave us sooner or later ...
It is difficult to survive, the bitterness of loss temporarily overshadows everything in the world for us - but, one way or another, life goes on and we need to find the strength in ourselves to move on.

No matter how bad and painful we are, we need the process of mourning as a special work of the soul - work to cleanse, grow up and accept this world as it is.
In order to do this work, we need to go through all the stages of grief to the end, accept it completely and drink this cup to the bottom. If we fail to follow this path correctly, if we get stuck at some points along the way, the process of mourning becomes pathological, and sometimes we cannot do without the help of a psychotherapist.

Our first reaction to the death of a loved one is shock and numbness. “It can’t be” is the first thing that comes to almost everyone’s mind: we don’t want to and even physically “can’t” believe in what happened. Sometimes a person is in so much pain that all his reactions seem to be dulled, and outwardly it may even look like indifference: “I didn’t shed a tear,” but usually this is just a protection of our psyche from too strong emotions that it is not ready to cope with. Alas, some do not cope, they are not able to go further, and they psychologically “petrify” forever, especially in the event of the loss of their beloved people - children, spouses, parents - the emotional attachment to which was extremely strong.

The numbness is replaced by the search stage: a person accepts the fact that the deceased is not around, but he does not believe that this is forever. The deceased seems to be chasing the mourner: on the street it seemed that he passed by, here someone laughed in the same way, something creaked in his room and on the back of the chair - his sweater ... The feeling is constantly haunted that the one who died - actually located somewhere very close. Sometimes it begins to seem to a person that he is going crazy (and sometimes, alas, this happens in reality) - especially if the grief in his life is very strong or simply the first, that is, he has not experienced anything like this before. This phase lasts from 9 to 40 days: believers believe that the soul of the deceased is on earth at this time and says goodbye to everything that was dear.

In the end, a person realizes the reality of loss, and a stage of acute grief sets in, when despair literally “covers” with his head and a lot of frightening feelings and thoughts appear: about the meaninglessness of life, about his own guilt before the dead, which now cannot be redeemed; about those words that have not been said and about those promises that have not been fulfilled - and can never be fulfilled ... The deceased seems to us better than we thought about him during his lifetime: everything good is remembered, everything bad is forced out of memory - the saying “o dead or good, or nothing" was not invented in vain ...
Sometimes at this stage, a grieving person almost completely withdraws into himself, withdraws, moves away from loved ones, sometimes identifies himself in some way with the deceased: he adopts his habits, gait, gestures; symptoms of diseases that the deceased suffered from may even appear: signs of sciatica, hypertension or migraine in a previously perfectly healthy person. Unfortunately, not everyone leaves this phase, remaining mentally forever closer to the deceased than to those who live nearby.

It is hard to go through all this, but it is important: at the end of this stage, old emotional ties with the deceased are broken and new ones are born. Sooner or later, life gradually returns to its usual track, and the loss of a dear person ceases to be the most important event in life. Grief is now not painfully sharp and relentless, but as if it rolls in a wave in connection with certain events: here comes the first new year without a deceased; now his first birthday has passed - without him; here a document came in the mail addressed to him or an old acquaintance from those who knew nothing about death called .... Tears roll up and a lump rises in the throat - however, we are already resigned to the fact that what happened is a given, and that we should live on. The death anniversary is usually the end of this cycle.

The final stage is constructive, it adapts us to reality and reconciles with it. Grief is reborn into remembrance, into bright sadness and sadness for the departed. The person who left us no longer lives in our minds - but his image remains.
This stage is extremely important: after all, you can survive all the previous ones, but block your memories and prevent the image of the deceased from entering your current life - then the work of grief will not be completed to the end and relief will not come.
So often in a family where a child has died, parents seem to “cross out” this terrible episode from life, forbidding themselves, their relatives, and other children to return to those difficult events. This is the path to self-destruction for all members of such a family, since allowing the images of the departed to be near is very important, how important it is to preserve the memory of everyone who was part of our life and the joy that these people in our life WERE…

The death of a beloved husband is a difficult and painful test in a woman's life. She finds herself in an extreme psychological situation when the one who was a reliable friend and protector, loyal admirer and admirer disappears. A comfortable, familiar and cozy life collapses in an instant. How to survive grief and learn to be happy again?

Stages of understanding the death of a beloved spouse

American scientists Thomas Holmes and Richard Reich back in 1967 developed a scale of severity of the stressful impact of life events on a person. Events were rated on a scale from 0 to 100 points. The death of a husband / wife - first place, 100 points under the breath ...

Shoigu Yu.S.

http://psi.mchs.gov.ru/upload/userfiles/file/books/psihologija_ekstremalnyh_situatsij.pdf

According to psychologists, there are several stages of understanding the death of a loved one.

1. The first is shock, dumbness, pain. Feelings are akin to a strong blow - loss of coordination, orientation in time, temporary loss of hearing, vision - and then pain, deafening, flooding the body and mind. The same thing happens with the psyche of a woman. It is impossible to immediately, immediately accept and realize the death of a loved one, especially such a close and dear person as a husband.
2. The second is denial. A woman who has lost her husband refuses to believe what happened. Often there are phrases: "It could not have happened to him"; "It is not true. You messed up something!”; “I talked to him five, ten minutes, hours, days ago…”. She refuses to believe that the misfortune happened in her family, with her husband.
3. The third is aggression, anger. A woman endlessly torments herself with questions to which there are no right answers. “Why did this happen, why with us, with him, with me? Who is guilty". This is a consistent, natural reaction of the human psyche to grief. She needs to find a foothold. Find this or that that caused the death of her husband, pour out her grief, anger, resentment at the source. In some situations, women direct aggression towards themselves, blaming themselves for what happened. It is not right.
4. Fourth - depression, apathy. A person loses the desire for life, for development, for movement, for the new. A woman realizes that life will no longer be the same. Quite often there is a complete indifference of a woman to herself, her needs, appearance, health. She breathes, walks, eats, drinks, but all this happens automatically, automatically. She is tormented by memories of her husband - dating, courtship, marriage, the birth of children and other emotional events of life together.

These stages affect every woman who has lost a spouse. As a rule, they take from three months to a year. Much depends on age, individual and personal characteristics, past experience. The next phase is acceptance of the loss of a loved one.

What forms can grief take?

The pain does not go away, it goes from acute to chronic, becomes a background. We accept the fact of death, the fact of loss, that he will no longer be with us.

Each in a different way to learn to live from scratch, without it. Someone hits a hectic activity - be it sports, creativity, charity, trying to block their feelings, the pain of loss. Someone switches all his strength and attention to children, friends, animals. In order not to feel emptiness and loneliness, he replaces them with care and love for other people, their needs and desires. Someone goes headlong into work, a favorite thing. He tries to be busy around the clock, to fall exhausted on the bed so that he does not have the strength to think, remember. Some withdraw into themselves and stop responding to the outside world, or begin to use alcohol, drugs, “eat” pain, perhaps the appearance of psychosomatic disorders. In such cases, it is better for a woman to resort to the help of a professional psychologist.

According to psychologists, the stress of losing a loved one, depending on the psychotype of the individual, is manifested by the following emotions, states:

• anger and aggression. A woman is angry at herself, at her loved ones, at the world around, because all this is here, but her husband is not. She mentally or openly reproaches other people that they are still alive, although they are less worthy of it;
• conflict. In an aggressive state, the unfortunate woman often goes into conflicts, accuses, swears on far-fetched reasons, attaches great importance to trifles, believes that no one can and does not want to understand her;
• guilt. As a rule, it occurs in almost every woman at one stage or another of grief. She becomes ashamed, uncomfortable that she is away from her husband, with whom she should have lived all her life. It seems to her that she does not deserve life, joy, happiness without her husband;
• apathy. This condition is also quite typical. Interest in oneself, children, friends, favorite activities is lost, everything seems boring and unimportant. I want to lie down and feel nothing.

As for the physiological manifestations:

1. Loss of appetite or, conversely, increased cravings for sweet, starchy, spicy, fatty and subsequent weight fluctuations.
2. Physical weakness, high or low blood pressure.
3. Rapid heartbeat, pain in the region of the heart.
4. Vertigo.
5. Problems with the digestive tract.
6. Exacerbation of chronic diseases.

All physiological problems are the result of enormous psychological stress. And the faster a woman copes with the grief that has fallen, the faster the body will return to normal.

The most important thing, according to psychologists, is not to block your emotions and feelings, but not to drown in them. If it is very difficult and there is no strength, no desire to live on, it is recommended:

• visit the temple, light a candle, confess;
• make an appointment with a psychologist;
• register on support sites where people who have lost loved ones communicate;
• take courses, trainings in art-audio therapy;
• try various breathing and psychological practices such as holotropic breathing, yogic breathing and meditation;
• Sign up with organizations that help people or animals in a critical situation.

An indispensable condition is the unconditional acceptance of the situation and the realization that a person needs to be released into another world.

When a spouse is young and life is ahead, it is important to understand that feelings for another person are possible and even necessary. You can’t put an end to yourself and remain faithful to your beloved dead husband until the end of your life. Just as you should not go to extremes - urgently look for a new companion. It is necessary to survive, mourn the loss, leave a bright image of a loved one and try not to lock your heart.

And when the loss overtook an already mature woman and behind her decades of marriage, adult children, joys and troubles, ups and downs? The best option would be to turn to God, travel / trip to distant relatives, to another city / country, the embodiment of unfulfilled desires - be it Nordic walking, participating in a choir, attending massage courses or a sanatorium. Communication with children, grandchildren, girlfriends.

It is definitely a great relief to have children, the fruits of lost love. Children save from deafening loneliness, do not let them become limp and drive themselves into depression. Understanding that you are the most important and dear person will not allow you to drown in the ocean of sorrow. You will have to rebuild yourself, family roles, get used to a new way of life, perform heaps of new functions, be constantly busy, which, according to Dale Carnegie, is the best medicine.

When there are no children, parents and friends who are ready to support and not allow themselves to be mummified will become a faithful and reliable rear. It is extremely important not to close yourself off, not to push away people who want to help, and even if it is often annoying and you want to shout in your face that they don’t understand anything - don’t do it. Do not hide in your shell of grief and sadness, do not become hardened and blame the world and people for the loss.

Personal experience

Women who have lost a spouse find it important to both "speak out" their pain and channel their love.

It has been almost a year since I lost the person closest to me, the father of my child. Now, almost without tears, I can remember those pleasant moments that we had with him. And I no longer want to erase from memory the best part of my life. I went to a psychologist immediately after his death, but not for long - 7 sessions. From these seven sessions, I received some useful tips, but sometimes I wonder if I should do it again. My depression is almost gone.

tatyana-m

I lost my husband, the father of my children, just over two months ago. And I also worked with a psychologist and my friends, thanks to them, they listen. It actually gets easier. But my heart, of course, still hurts and I don’t know when this pain will pass ... Pain, longing and rejection of the very fact of death ... But we must live, we must!

ledytyc9

http://www.psychologies.ru/forum/post/17508/

I buried my husband a year and a half ago. He left very young, died of cancer, left a small child, I thought I wouldn’t survive at all, she herself wanted to die. Six months only tears, tears. I went to church very often and went constantly to the cemetery, everyone told me - don't cry, let me go. I couldn’t do anything with myself, I’m not a machine where you can turn off the button. Then after about 8 months it became a little easier, then even easier. As cliche as it sounds, it's true - time heals.

Habitual family life can collapse at one moment when a wife or husband suddenly dies. A man who survived the death of his wife is deafened by such grief, but does not break. It's not so easy with women. It is especially difficult for a young wife who has lost her husband.

The female psyche is much thinner than the male, and the power of emotions is many times more powerful. Even when the relationship between husband and wife is “not very good”, the loss of a spouse is often a huge stress for a woman. What, then, to speak of the grief of the one who loved her husband with all her heart? How to survive the death of a husband, cope with pain and find the strength in yourself how to live on?

From our article you will learn:

1. About the stages of grief through which almost every widow goes.
2. What do you need to be prepared for.
3. How to help your mother cope with death.
4. How to help a friend who has lost her husband.
5. How to distract a widow from thoughts of death.
6. On the scientific and religious approach.
7. About the writing method.
8. What to do with a wedding ring.

All this will allow you to understand how to provide the right support for a desperate woman. How to help her cope with the loss so that she does not cross out the rest of her life.

Tragic news: what can you face?

There are several stages that a wife who has lost her husband will have to go through. As a rule, they follow one after another, but exceptions are possible. So this is:

• acute experience;
• refusal to believe what happened;
• unmotivated aggression;
• desolation, depression.

Hearing the terrible news, the woman experiences severe stress. Especially if the husband was young. Often, she seems to lose her orientation in space and time: she does not hear what they say to her, looks and does not see, does not respond to touch. Then, as if a protective valve breaks in her heart, and everything inside is filled with unbearable mental pain. This is a psychological blow of great power, which is impossible to resist.

Protecting itself from stress, the psyche refuses to believe what happened. That is why the wives of the dead often do not want to admit this fact. A woman can say that this is not true, that she is being deceived for no reason, that this is a stupid joke, etc.

After his death, mental anguish leads the widow to the idea that someone is to blame. And she starts looking for that "someone". Then the stage of denial passes into the stage of aggression. Sometimes very quickly, and sometimes with a long delay. The widow's aggression can be directed both at others and at herself.

When a woman decides that she is to blame and does not know how to survive grief, she begins to punish herself in many ways. This:

• Constant mental accusations and self-flagellation about not being good enough to the deceased spouse.
• Attacks of mental pain for not being able to prevent or save (even if no one could).
• Scrolling in my head everything that I did not have time to say or do for my husband.

Here is an approximate list of "punishments" that a woman voluntarily dooms herself to. She can also forbid herself to eat and drink, start to hurt. For example, forcefully rub the body with a hard washcloth, literally pull out hair in the process of combing, or deliberately carelessly handle cutting objects, fire in the hope of injuring yourself.

In such a situation, it is good if friends and relatives are nearby. If such grief happened to your loved one, the advice of a psychologist will help how to help a friend survive the death of her husband.

Aggression directed outward is especially difficult for others. The widow begins to hate everyone who looks happy. She is especially annoyed by cheerful spouses: she is not able to forgive them for this.

Her children and even grandchildren may end up in the “enemy camp”. Such a mother may try to quarrel her daughter with her son-in-law or her son with her daughter-in-law. She may not make contact with her relatives because of their insufficient (in her opinion) grief. He starts yelling at his grandchildren and punishing them for the slightest offense. In a fit of hatred for the whole world around her, she can even curse other people.

Then comes apathy, which is often followed by depression. A woman ceases to be interested in everything that is not directly related to the deceased spouse. After his death, she practically does not leave the house, does not talk on the phone with her friends and does not invite anyone to her place. She withdraws into herself and her home, leading a solitary life: she simply does not want to live without a husband. She is attracted only to films, programs and series where there is drama and tears, the same goes for books.

Such deep grief brings great harm to the body. Constant stress depletes the nervous system and leads to the development of various diseases. Or the woman gradually "fades away." In each of these cases, the consequences are the saddest: the widow can literally die of grief.

The closest people in trouble: what to do?

As a rule, it is the mother and the best friend who are two especially dear people in the life of a woman. If, by chance, one of them became a widow, we must try to do everything to alleviate their fate.

How can I help my mother cope with death?

First of all, provide her with constant (perhaps even round-the-clock) moral support for some time. Someone has to be with mom all the time. And constantly talking to her to distract from sad thoughts is not worth it. She should be able to be alone with her grief, decide how to start living. But the presence of a daughter or son in the house in itself helps a lot.

It is extremely important to listen to her at the moments when, after the death of a loved one, she shares her memories of the deceased. This is a kind of psychotherapy, which has a beneficial effect on the state of the psyche. If the mother behaves aggressively, you need to treat this with understanding. If her grandchildren annoy her, it is better not to bring them to her for a while. Extra stress for children is also useless. React calmly to the outbursts of rage of the mother, as to a downpour or a hurricane.

Although sometimes strict, but a kind remark can do a good job, and a woman will come to her senses. But correctness and love are important here. It is not necessary to invite relatives and friends in order to “dispel maternal loneliness” - this is both inappropriate and will not help.

Good films or series with a life-affirming, positive message can be of great benefit. But not frivolous comedies! Any initiative of the mother, which distracts her from sad thoughts, must be immediately supported by all means. This will help her quickly accept the situation and learn to live without the support of her husband.

How to help a friend cope with the death of her husband?

If she is left alone, you should stay with her for a while. Of course, with her consent. It is necessary to act according to the same principle as with mom - do not interfere with conversations, but are constantly nearby. Do not be offended by aggression, but try to listen with participation to everything that a friend says. Often this is just a way to throw out anger and resentment at injustice, and you are just a “catalyst”. After an outburst of anger, the widow may immediately burst into tears, and here she needs to be supported and pitied in a friendly way. Advice with movies and series is also suitable.

When a widow does not want someone else to be with her after the death of a loved one, you can cheer her up by phone. Short-term visits also have a beneficial effect and give the grieving woman an opportunity to talk and cry. You can try to persuade a friend to go out into nature: just change the situation and take a walk together in the fresh air. If you see that it helps - keep up the good work.

It would be great for both the mother and the girlfriend to engage in some kind of creative activity in order to survive the grief of losing a spouse.

Active methods of "rehabilitation": what can be done?

Creation

As a therapy, any kind of creativity is suitable for a widow. By creating something with her own hands, a woman learns to be distracted from the tragedy, acquires new interests and goals. Help to cope with grief:

1. drawing;
2. modeling from polymer clay;
3. photographing;
4. sport;
5. dancing;
6. vocal lessons;
7. breeding rare plants, aquarium fish, shrimps;
8. beading;
9. embroidery, knitting and other types of needlework.

This is a minimal list of what can captivate a widow and tell her the decision how to live on. The courses are suitable for those who prefer to be surrounded by other people and seek to establish communication. And mastering a new hobby through books or the Internet is for those who are not yet ready for rich communication. Gradually, the "shell" of alienation and grief, which closed the woman from the world, will open, and she will again fall in love with life. But this takes time.

Help for the needy

A very effective method that has helped a huge number of women who have lost their husbands is charity. Communicating live with people who also experienced a huge tragedy or loss, but did not lose their fortitude and thirst for life, the widow will be inspired by their example and gradually stop indulging in despair.

By providing financial, physical or moral assistance to those in need, she will strengthen her own spirit, be able to accept what happened with courage and survive grief. A good solution would be to help single people, children left without parents or people with serious health problems. This path is not for everyone - it is really very difficult, but it is also the most effective. Often, he completely changes a woman.

If the widow has managed to find the strength to do something and has achieved some success in this, humility replaces depression. The woman finally fully accepts what happened, understands that this is the natural course of things and begins to learn to live without her husband, but already consciously.

Father or psychologist?

The clergy help a lot of people to cope with the trouble. Religion teaches that it is impossible to mourn the dead for a long time, since their souls are greatly tormented by the tears of the living. And all religions talk about it. Listening to the priest, the woman is imbued with this thought and begins to try to control her feelings.

The belief that a loved one does not die forever and that his soul will remember her can literally resurrect a heartbroken widow.

She comes to terms with his death and begins to sincerely believe that life does not end there, but simply passes into another form. Regular visits to the temple, religious rituals for the repose of the soul of her husband, prayers, reading spiritual literature are very helpful to the widow to find peace of mind.

If a widow has begun to become depressed, she needs the advice of a psychologist. An experienced specialist knows how to help a person cope with such a loss and will be able to find an approach to a heartbroken woman. He will tell you how to live on, explain that bouts of despair, tears, emptiness and dull pain in the chest are an inevitability through which one must go. Unshed tears are sometimes more dangerous than many hours of crying, so grief must not only be endured, but also lived. The main thing is not to get stuck on sad emotions and learn to live on.

I wanted to, but I didn’t have time: a letter to my beloved

The strongest despair in a widow is caused by thoughts that she wanted to, but did not have time to tell her husband. Or something said, and then regretted, but did not apologize. And death immediately after a quarrel is generally a huge stress. How to survive the death of a beloved husband in such situations? The method that psychologists strongly advise you to try helps very well - write a letter to the deceased.

In it, a woman should write absolutely everything that she would like to tell her husband, if he lives now. About what place he occupied in her life, how much he meant to her. How grateful she was to him for his love, for everything she had learned from him. Say what you dreamed and wanted to do together. If you feel guilty, you need to ask for forgiveness in writing with the words that you would ask a living person.

The letter must be carefully re-read several times and feel it "to the last word." This method will allow you to “live” the unspoken, ease your soul and live after the death of your spouse. It helps to let go of the past and look to the future. Then the letter is burned, and the ashes are either scattered to the wind or buried in the ground.

And what to do with a wedding ring? According to Christian custom, the wife, after the death of her husband, puts her wedding ring on the ring finger of her left hand. The church advises the widow to wear the ring of the spouse after his death on the middle finger.

If you do not adhere to church canons, then the ring can be worn around the neck on a chain, or simply stored in a box, like an expensive relic. Some widows melt it down, making a more elegant ring - to fit their finger size and wear it as a memory of a loved one.

Adhering to all the above tips, a woman begins to gradually recover from stress. Helping children, looking after her grandchildren and communicating with other relatives, she slowly learns to enter the old rhythm and live more fully after death. Now it's her turn to support loved ones, because they also need her attention, care and participation!

For older women, caring for grandchildren often becomes the most important thing - in them they regain their meaning of life. And young widows often begin to establish a personal life and get married. But at the same time, they carefully keep in their hearts a good, bright memory of the deceased husband, wishing his soul peace and quiet from the bottom of their hearts.