If a man rushes between his wife and his mistress. How to save a family? My husband rushes between me and his mistress. We live among systems

Days, weeks, months pass, and he keeps thinking about who is closer and dearer to him - you or her... Such a plot is good for a series, but you would not envy anyone to become a participant in it in real life. What to do if you find yourself in such a triangle, which sucks you in no worse than the Bermuda triangle? And most importantly, how not to lose yourself in the battle for love?

Return to yourself

Women who find themselves in this situation tend to focus entirely on the man. They torment themselves with questions: “What is going on in his soul, what is he thinking about?”, “When will he make a choice?”, “What are my chances of success and what should I do to increase them?”

On the one hand, this position is understandable. But on the other hand, she drives them into a corner. By shifting the focus of attention to the man, the woman gives all control over the situation into his hands, while she obediently awaits his decision. And even if she actively tries to tip the scales in her favor, the man still acts as a referee, determining which of the rivals is more worthy of the award.

This is why it is so important to regain at least some control. To do this, you need to convince yourself that you are not a dumb victim of circumstances, but an adult, independent person who manages her life and is capable of making her own decisions. In other words, you must shift the focus of attention from the man to yourself. To do this, answer the following questions frankly:

“How do I feel about what is happening in my life?”, “What emotions do I experience?”, “Do they give me more joy or pain?” It is important to understand that in your soul there is a place not only for resentment and anxiety, but also for indignation at what is happening.

“What am I ready to put up with and what am I not?”, “What can you do with me and what can’t you do with me?” For example, you decide that you can turn a blind eye to your man’s regular overnight stays with another woman. But you are outraged that she calls you at home when you are together.

“How long can I live in uncertainty and wait for him to make a choice?” Here you must set yourself a specific deadline - a month, six months. This will give you confidence. Yes, you can give both yourself and him deferments. But if you want to change your life, don't turn it into an endless series of Mondays that never come.

Mistakes that women often make

1 They constantly ask their loved one how he feels, trying to understand what is happening. However, sometimes a man himself is happy to share his experiences, habitually trying to get sympathy and support from his partner. It is very important not to get lost in his emotions. Remember that you have your own feelings. And if a man’s emotional outpourings hurt you, don’t hesitate to tell him about it.

2 They take the blame for everything that happens. Yes, there were probably problems in your relationship. (And who doesn’t have them!) But of the many ways to react to them, the man absolutely consciously chose the path of “bigamy.” And responsibility for actions always lies with the one who committed them.

3 They allow a man to openly disrespect himself. Talking about how well your rival cooks or having phone conversations with her in your presence are all quite humiliating. Why tolerate this attitude? You have self-esteem!

4 They are trying to find out as much as possible about their opponent. You shouldn’t do this, because by thinking about this woman and competing with her, you are giving her a place in your life. Moreover, you blur the boundaries of your couple with a man by letting a stranger into it.

5 They don't think about what will happen if they win. It’s not for nothing that they say: we hold tightest not what we need, but what breaks free. Therefore, be sure to ask yourself: are you ready to spend your whole life with a person who caused you so much pain? Can you trust him?

6 They make rash decisions. Yes, waiting for a man to make his choice is unbearable. But don't slam the door if you're not really ready for a breakup. After all, then, most likely, you will be haunted by thoughts that you got carried away. And if after such a drastic step you return to him, you will probably find yourself in an even more dependent position.

Life after the fight

What to do if a man prefers someone else to you? Oddly enough, for many women this outcome is simpler and more understandable than the opposite. Yes, they are hurt and offended, but it is clear what will happen next. We need to live, heal heart wounds and prepare for new relationships.

But what to do if your loved one ultimately chooses you? How can I learn to trust him again when he says he’s working late or going to see friends? How can he stop flinching when he receives a call from an unfamiliar or too familiar number? In such a situation, a woman either constantly breaks down, remembering the man’s past, or is so happy about the reunion that she swallows everything, fearing to frighten off her beloved. But in both cases, her pain and resentment have not disappeared, but continue to poison the relationship.

How to leave this painful story in the past and not let it ruin your present and future?

Firstly, don't act like nothing happened. Lost trust is like a serious fracture - it will take a lot of time to recover. To speed up the healing process, you need to clearly identify in which areas you now do not fully trust your man and what you can do to protect yourself. For example, while he was choosing who to be with, he hardly helped you raise your baby. Then agree on small but regular deductions from his salary to your account. If your rival was his colleague, ask the man to make an effort and change jobs. This will make you feel calmer.

Secondly, It is important to talk to each other honestly, but without accusations, about what happened. Discuss what you can do to prevent this from happening again. It is best to do this together with a family psychologist who will help you dot all the i's without quarrels.

Third, it is necessary to “interrupt” the memories of the past difficult period with bright positive emotions. A vacation trip will help a lot - something like a honeymoon. By the way, if some things or events are poisoned for you by the presence of your rival, try to overcome it. Let's say she worked as an Italian teacher, and now you don't want to eat pasta and pizza, not wanting to remember her again. To correct this “distortion” before it turns into a fad, you need pleasant impressions associated with something Italian. For example, a trip to Rome or several romantic dinners in an Italian restaurant. Then Italy will cease to be That woman's territory and will become your own.

“My husband left for his mistress, but lives with me!” Many women find themselves in such slightly schizophrenic situations. Some of them write to me. Over the past two months, I have received several letters from my readers, where the situation is like a carbon copy.

Once upon a time they lived, did not grieve, raised children (they were still small), and suddenly - a bolt from the blue. The husband left for his mistress.

But he left strangely. He announced that he was leaving, even moved some of his things, but he still lives at home. He takes care of the children, sometimes smiles at his wife, and tries to give gifts.

And it is not defined in any way. What to do here, how to be here?

Well, I’ll share my idea based on experience and observations. I’ll say right away that you can get your husband back, but it requires enormous effort. So colossal that I seriously doubt their feasibility.

What's happening?

In all situations (those that were sent to me by mail, or those that I observed myself) there was one thing in common - small children. Usually up to five years. Most often - no more than three. And this is not without reason.

There is a high probability that, immersed in caring for the child, both spouses became good parents, but ceased to be spouses. This is a common situation - no one is immune from this.

When spouses cease to be spouses, they begin to look for partners on the side. A woman with a small child is less likely to do this - she has her mouth full of troubles with the baby. Men have more opportunities here - work, active travel around the city, the opportunity to stay longer... All this creates conditions for the appearance of a new woman in life.

This happens to many men - they find themselves a new wife.

It is important to note - specifically the spouse. From her he receives what he lacks in his current marriage - admiration, delight, attention to him as a man, and not as the father of a child. On the other hand, he gives what is not accepted in a current marriage - admiration, delight, attention to his wife as a woman, and not as the mother of his child.

In other words, the man remains a father (he takes care of the children, sometimes smiles at his wife, tries to give gifts), but ceases to be a spouse. And his wife for him is the mother of his children, but not his wife. Hence the desire to find a new wife.

For many, this desire is embodied in a new relationship on the side.

Such a relationship rarely benefits a marriage - we would like to especially note this. In the rush of “I’m not going there and I’m not staying here,” the man drives his wife to white heat. It is unbearably difficult for her to live in a situation of uncertainty.

In my mind, of course, you shouldn’t start an affair at all - you already have a wife, she now urgently needs you and your help and support. The period when she is fixated on the child will pass, and the marital roles will return to you again. So be patient, take care of your beloved woman, don’t hurt her.

In the end, be a man - say directly that you miss her as a wife and quickly organize the opportunity to be spouses (give the child to your grandmother or go to sleep yourself and let your wife rest, or think of something else). Everything can be improved without “turning” to your mistress.

Alas, not everyone is so reasonable.

What to do next?

Depends on the woman’s goal and individual reaction to betrayal. If betrayal causes any noticeable pain, then the approach proposed below is not at all for you. Here it is better to have a direct conversation (with the risk of divorce in the end).

You can start like this: “You and I have started to have some kind of tough relationship in our relationship. I forgot that you are my beloved man, and you went to some woman. Do you remember that we once planned everything differently? Let's try to get out of here and start something different.

I apologize for using you as a transport for diapers, and you for not talking to me about it, but immediately went looking for something on the side.”

Of course, this does not guarantee that the situation will improve (and certainly does not guarantee that the pain will subside), but there is a chance. The main thing is for the husband to understand that he hurt his woman and this, to put it mildly, is bad. When it comes, the chances of recovery will increase.

But it may even come to a divorce, here it will take you out of the blue.

But if you are not hurt by betrayal (if such a thing can even happen), then you can go the other way.

In the situations described, a man lives in a state where he is terrorized from both sides - they demand to make up his mind and make a decision. On the one hand, he is being hammered by his wife, on the other hand, he is being pestered by his mistress, who demands that he finally get a divorce, as long as he can put it off (though, I don’t feel sorry for the man at all - it couldn’t have been any other way, he should have thought before ).

The way out is for the wife to become the party that doesn't demand anything.

It’s important to emphasize here, otherwise not everyone will see it. This is not about indulging a man, like, honey, how great it is that you have a mistress. This is not about “keeping face” and pretending that nothing is happening. No no and one more time no.

I'm talking about no requirements. Well, you know how it happens: “Decide - either me or her!”, “How long can all this continue!” and so on. Such requirements should absolutely not exist. That is, in general. And then it might work.

This is a common paradox of family life - the more one person presses, the further the second moves away. If they press on both sides, a person is more likely to move to the one where they do not press.

Well, he may also choose the third option - to run away altogether, but this rarely happens.

At the same time, again, please read carefully! - the absence of demands does not mean that the cheater’s wife smiles sweetly at him. Not at all. The sincere expression of one’s feelings is just very useful and is strongly encouraged. Simply put, if you want to cry, cry. And let the husband see.

Yes, you don’t need to demand a decision from him, but you don’t need to hide your feelings either. Sincerity is often useful and here is exactly such a case.

True, here again we need to raise a serious question - does the wife have enough mental strength to live in all this? An affair on the side usually lasts about a year and not everyone has the strength to survive all this without a divorce.

And perhaps that’s right. The concepts “You have to live with the child’s father”, “If a man leaves (or doesn’t come) - it’s your fault” or “A woman should be wiser and endure”, or “this is a woman’s lot” are completely stupid. They impose strange demands on a woman, which, in principle, are completely unrealistic. And when a woman predictably fails to cope, she is completely smeared.

So think for yourself, decide for yourself - in which direction to move, and what to do when your husband is torn between you and his mistress.

Between two fires: choose a mistress or a wife?

Women regularly come to me asking for help - they need to “discourage” their husband’s mistress and return him to the family. Or, in other words, how to make my husband decide to choose me.

And I tell everyone who applies the same thing - the psychologist is powerless here. Because a person (in this case, the husband) cannot solve anything in such situations. He just can’t physically.

Let me explain it in my fingers.

We live among systems

In human life there is such a phenomenon as the systems in which we are included. For example, a member of a work team, a resident of a building, a member of a theater studio, a son, a grandson, a friend, a matchmaker, a godfather, a brother, and so on.

A person belongs to these systems with varying degrees of attachment. And – what’s important! – the more attractive the system is for him, the more attached he is to it, the more the system attracts him.

Moreover, the attractiveness may not be very bright - say, it may be a childhood memory (from the first grade together, at the same desk) and nothing more. But even such a memory may be enough to make the system attractive enough to become attached to it.

I talked in more detail about the systems themselves in the article “How to unravel in your life,” but here we’ll simply state that a person lives in such systems and these systems differ in the degree of attractiveness.

When the mind is powerless

As long as we live in a situation where different systems have different degrees of attractiveness, everything is fine - priorities are set, goals are subordinated, first the first, then the second, and finally the third.

The problems start where both systems become equally attractive.

For example, a mistress. She is younger than her wife, not overwhelmed by children and everyday life, always happy and available in a sexual sense. The "mistress" system is certainly attractive.

But the wife - she had a long (and in some places very good) history of relationships, children together, an established life, a fair amount of familiarity. The “wife” system is attractive in a different way, but no less.

This is where this crazy swing begins, when a man decides, that’s it, I’ll go to my mistress, crosses the threshold, leaving behind his crying wife and confused children, comes to his mistress to live with her forever... And within a week he is going back - home, to his wife.

At this moment, the wife is happy, the children are relaxed, everything is back to normal…. And within a week the man is going back to his mistress.

It seems that he is playing with the feelings of these women or is simply weak-willed since he cannot make up his mind (and if so, then something can be done to help him make a decision).

In fact, he is torn apart between two equally attractive systems and no amount of willpower will work here. Simply because a person will not be able to use it.

It is extremely natural for a person to be torn in such a situation. It is also natural not to be able to fly or throw off a tail (for lack of a tail).

A person cannot, simply cannot, take and choose in such a situation - he does not have sufficient resources in his head for this.

Be patient and wait

And here we come to the most difficult moment - the solution to this situation.

I assure you, you won't like it. However, I believe that the bitter truth is better than a sweet lie, at least in certain matters.

Therefore, keep the bitter truth - if a wife has the task of keeping a man (although why is he needed?), then she must wait and endure.

The effectiveness of this strategy is not absolute, but of all others it is the most effective. So to speak - the best among the worst.

Here's the thing - in such a clash of systems, the one that remains attractive wins. And to remain attractive, you need to not put pressure.

After all, at some point the mistress will say, they say, it’s enough to live in two houses, it’s time to make a decision, and then her attractiveness to a man will begin to sharply decrease (I know what I’m talking about, I constantly encounter this at work).

And the wife is silent at this time and does not demand anything. And then the choice happens as if by itself - the attractiveness of the mistress has decreased, the attraction to her is no longer so strong, but the attractiveness of the wife has remained at the same level, one is drawn to her.

There’s no need to choose here - he’s back, he doesn’t want to go anywhere else, everything is the same again. That's the end of the fairy tale.

The only problem is that it is very, incredibly, exceptionally, monstrously difficult to endure and wait (and, by the way, usually for a very long time - up to three years, sometimes). Few people can survive all this.

And here the question for the woman is whether she is ready for such tests for the sake of this man. There is no correct answer here, everyone decides for themselves.

One thing I can say for sure is that other options are even more hopeless in terms of results (but not so difficult). How to deal with this is, of course, not for me to decide.

Total. When a man is torn between his wife and his mistress, he does this not out of malice or weakness of will, but because of a kind of “failure” in the functioning of his head. This “failure” cannot be cured in any way, it can only be experienced. This experience can last for several years, and it is difficult for both the man and his wife. If she does not put pressure on her husband, the chances that their marriage will survive are quite high (but, of course, not absolute). Whether a woman has enough strength for this and whether she needs it at all is not for me to decide.

That's all I have, thanks for your attention.

Pavel Zygmantovich

I ask you to help me pass through all the trials that befell me with dignity. On April 4 of this year, the house that my husband and I had been building for 20 years burned down; the cause of the fire was a short circuit in the electric boiler. The husband knew that something was wrong, she told him about it, but he simply closed the door to the boiler room and left on business. After the fire, it seemed that all of us and the children had united, but not for long. My husband drew a house plan and told us how and what we would build. Two weeks later he left on a business trip: he had his own business 400 km from where they lived. A different person returned from there; less than a month after the fire, he began an affair there with another woman, with whom they had been trying to introduce him for 2 years. She is 13 years younger. Later I found out that they were introduced by the person who knew that my husband had a woman with a child in addition to his family. We lived together for 28 years, went through many difficulties, but we did not pass this test. All summer, the husband rushed between two women, and in the end, after 8 months, he married a third, with the one who supposedly only wanted a child from him. But at the same time, 30 minutes after the birth, he was admitted to the maternity hospital, the child’s umbilical cord had not yet been cut, they were allowed to name the child after his late father, and a bunch of other nuances. That is, for four years the man was simply dragged from the family, and then, when it became the most difficult and problematic, he left. True, he asked to let him go, said that he didn’t like him, that he would build me a house and help the children. She didn’t hold me back, she said, go away if your conscience allows you to leave us in this situation. Then they said, you are a stranger to me, and the children have already grown up, there is no talk of grandchildren - these are not my problems. Although we don’t have grandchildren yet, in the summer we talked about how we would help raise our grandchildren. Of course, with a torn soul, I said a lot of cruel words, they are true, but apparently they hurt him greatly, or he just doesn’t want to see himself as he has now become. He told me the whole truth that he cheated the first time when I was carrying my son (we have two children - a daughter and a son, that there were several other loves on the side, but the girls, realizing that they would not leave the family, found other men and got married. Because of this, he simply developed some kind of inferiority complex. I don’t understand one thing - on October 7, he went through the rite of baptism with me, consciously accepted it, but three days later in confession he said that he had no sins. I don’t know if it’s possible to pray for him. soul. The worst thing for me is that it hurts not only me, but also the children. They have lost faith that they can build a happy family, that they can trust people, if their closest and dearest betray them like that. I’m sorry, help me endure everything with dignity, so as not to ruin the children’s lives, so that they don’t lose faith in people, they are not baptized, they don’t believe in God. Too little time has passed, 2 months since all this was discovered, but 3 days ago they already registered the marriage, and my husband didn’t even tell me about the registration date, I found out from another source. I understand that I am imperfect, and I, like all people, have shortcomings. If we didn't communicate at all, it might be easier. But the house still comes from time to time to build, a team of unprofessional builders works, but does some of the work itself. True, he already saves on everything so as not to spend an extra penny, his psyche has become very unbalanced, he didn’t know how to control himself before. I'm afraid that something bad might happen to him, and my children will be left without a father. Moreover, the second wife was already a widow once; one of her husbands had already died. Tell me how to survive all this and remain human for the sake of the children and for yourself, without becoming embittered or losing faith in people.

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Tatiana, age: 47 / 12/05/2011

Responses:

Hello Tatiana! Believe me, there are worthy and good people, and they are the majority. All the women who came to this site, linking their fate with a person, as it seemed to them then, with the best and forever, experienced bitter disappointment. But the biggest blow falls on our children, no matter how old they are, they are our children. And if a woman in the future has the opportunity to arrange her personal life, then the child will not find another father. Let me, since I am also a mother, give you one piece of advice - get over the hurt, the pain, and talk calmly with your husband so that his communication with the children can resume, and you will see that there will be changes. Your children are already old enough to understand that everything happens in life, they are offended for themselves, for their mother, but they will understand that their father still loves and needs them.
Find the strength to forgive your ex-husband, and if you can, tell him about it, you will see that you will immediately feel better, and most importantly, life will begin to improve. Believe me, this will happen. But if you are only ready for this. I was able to do this only after six months.
The betrayal of loved ones always takes us by surprise and damages our physical, mental and moral state. But you have support - family, this is very important. You have a kind of entertainment - building a house. Surely you have a job, a social circle. Everything will be fine with you, believe me! I sincerely wish this for you!

Julia, age: 34 / 06.12.2011

Tatiana! You have a desire not to become embittered and not to lose faith, this is the main thing, it means you understand everything correctly. Your husband is spiritually and mentally ill, there are many of them now. This is always a dead end path, going nowhere, your husband doesn’t understand. May God give you strength and patience to get through all this! It's good that you understand that this is a test. Tatiana! God does not give us a burden beyond our strength. Everything will definitely be fine with you, the children are already grown. 28 years cannot be thrown out of life and forgotten, and nothing will work out for him. Men, although it’s difficult to call such men men, are more attached to order in the house than women; some of them get teary-eyed when they see their wife twisting a tube of toothpaste. What I mean is that the other aunty does it all differently, not the way he’s used to, even better than his wife, but differently. But the habit is strong, in general he is poor and unhappy. He lost his faithful life partner, lost the respect of those closest to him, I don’t think his children respect him, no one likes traitors, and you, Tatyana, will definitely survive this and I want to do it with dignity, the way you want it. Your conscience is clear, try to live in accordance with God’s commandments and everything will work out for you, the Lord will not abandon his own! It's a pity for such men, they are poor.

Larisa, age: 40 / 12/06/2011

Tatyana, everything will be fine with you! Don't be sad, namesake. I think that in this situation, uniting with your children, you will be able to unite and survive the dark period with dignity. Helping each other, supporting each other in every possible way. It seems to me that the last thing you can envy now is your ex-husband. At that age, starting your life all over again, raising a child. Why such difficulties? What's the point? In such a situation, there will probably be little special attention on his part to your children together; he himself needs moral support. He is already, you write, unrestrained and unbalanced. I took on an unbearable burden in the form of a new family, and you can’t just “get rid of the old one.”
Tatyana, it’s probably not worth getting embittered and losing faith in people. Now you are just in a lot of pain, hence your sad mood.
On this site many people write about forgiveness, but it seems to me that this is the most difficult thing. To do this instantly and forever is a difficult task. I am writing based on my own experience. In my opinion, this is a very long process and sometimes requires remarkable willpower in order to suppress the surging feeling of wild resentment and an irresistible desire for revenge.
In principle, there can be at least two options for the development of events; I am writing only about the relationship between you and your husband. The first is to sever all relationships and contacts with your husband, to distance yourself from him both externally and internally (the second is much more difficult). Moreover, even with forced communication, this distance inside can be maintained. Throw out from your life everything that reminded and reminds of him: people, things, objects. Out of sight and out of mind. And begin to actively build YOUR new life WITHOUT HIM: soberly, decisively, without regrets. The meaningful content of this very new life is only your unfulfilled needs, a creative and active approach to putting them into practice, a drop of willpower, attitude and time. Everything together is guaranteed to yield positive results. At first you live “automatically”, then more and more consciously, feelingly and with a sparkle in your eyes. The second one is more difficult to implement, in my opinion. It requires love, patience, artistry, and, most importantly, the desire of both parties.
Try to maintain a warm relationship between you, even though each of you begins to live a separate and independent life. The relationship is not like between a man and a woman, but simply communication between people who have lived under the same roof for a long time, shared grief and joy and are grateful to each other for this. And now they are connected by something much more than a shared bed and children. A feeling of spiritual closeness and naturalness. The feeling of unity, unity of everything and everyone, that we are all parts of one whole, floating in one endless stream of the river of life. But this implies the desire and ability to rise above one’s egoism, to go beyond one’s “I”; pain, feelings of abandonment, abandonment and betrayal and, probably, this is to fulfill the main commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
Hang in there, life goes on!

Tatiana, age: 35 / 12/06/2011

Dear Tatyana! Yes, it really hurts! But believe me, you will survive and remain human! Six months ago, I myself experienced the betrayal of my husband, with whom I lived for 26 years. And it's not about you. It's about him. We lived for 28 years, and after 28 years it became unbearable? We are all not perfect. But if people converged and diverged according to this principle, then there would be no families in the world at all. Family is when you are accepted for who you are, unconditionally and without judgment. And this is a test for both of you. I think that you will pass it with dignity. Rethink your life, draw conclusions, take only the best from the past, and move forward. It’s like rummaging through an old chest, putting things in order, throwing out the trash, digging out valuables. This is your life and with the departure of an unreasonable, weak, lost and lost person, your life does not end. I think it will be much more difficult for him than for you. But there is no need to feel sorry for him. This is his responsibility for his life, this is his chance to grow spiritually. You have your own - take care of yourself. Grieve, cry, but don’t get stuck in grief for long. Moreover, the construction of a new house is very symbolically underway! New life! You know, six months have passed since my husband left, and now I enjoy freedom, I have a lot of time to take care of myself - I go to the gym, to my friend’s for a massage and a facial mask. In general, I’m enjoying something that was previously unfamiliar to me, something I’ve never done before. And I really like it. And when unpleasant memories lurk like a shadow, I pray. Helps a lot. And I advise you. Pray that God will help you let go of all this quickly and forgive your husband. Pray for his recovery because he is sick without a doubt. But for him, the most you can do is pray. And in relation to myself - a lot. All in your hands. Dear Tatyana, may God help you!

Guzel, age: 48 / 06.12.2011

Hello Tatiana!
I re-read your letter several times. Despite the severity of the situation, you set yourself the right goals - to survive and remain human for the sake of the children and for yourself, not to become embittered, not to lose faith in people, to go through all the trials with dignity. When a person knows where to go, he will come there. This means that everything will work out for you.
At one time, when my husband just left, I thought differently. I didn’t want to believe that 23 years of married life meant nothing to a person. I didn’t understand how it was possible to destroy the world of our children, our parents and loved ones with such cynicism. I was waiting for him to come to his senses and stop this madness. And there was no need to expect anything from him. The hardest thing is to part with your illusions. I didn’t see a real person who fell in love with me multiple times and cheated on me, manipulated and used me, only took and gave nothing in return. There were, of course, times of relative “prosperity” when he allowed us to feel happy. But, since his psyche is also unbalanced, with constant mood swings, the children and I were almost always to blame for everything.
Alexey's response on this site helped me a lot. He suggested that I re-read my own letter and thank God that he had finally delivered me from this man. As it turned out, it’s not so easy to get rid of it. After a year of absence, he wished to return to our shared apartment, and even as a husband. He categorically refuses to exchange the apartment. When he left, he got divorced. I didn't take part in this. They divorced me without my presence at the very first meeting, even in the presence of a minor daughter.
The woman he went to bore him a son. He didn’t marry her, he says “she behaved badly.” But, since the “love” had passed, and he was not provided with the comforts that were at home there, he considered it right for himself to return back. True, now I’m completely “uncooperative” and he’s looking for another dream woman. What I mean is that it is possible and in your relationship this is not the end yet. Most likely, a new relationship will also not be able to fill his spiritual emptiness. And after all the “I don’t love him, let him go and he’s a stranger” he will be with you again, giving you the honorable right to look after him and bring him joy in life.
Tatyana, you will definitely cope, the main thing is to protect yourself and your children from the person who causes pain (I would like to write differently about this person, but God will be his judge).
In his “Spiritual Testament,” Saint Mitrophan edified: “For every person, this is the rule of wise men: use labor, maintain moderation, and you will be rich; drink abstinently, eat little - you will be healthy; do good, flee evil - you will be saved.” What a pity that the wise words “flee the evil” were revealed to me only now, and thank God they were revealed.

Alexandra, age: 42 / 12/06/2011

Tatiana, the main thing is don’t give up and don’t despair! And believe: whatever God does is for the best.
Read Smilla’s responses, you will understand a lot, and, of course, the site materials.
Hang in there, God help you!

Natalia, age: 31 / 07.12.2011

Tatiana, hello! Quite recently, I myself read the materials on the site and looked for words that would help me cope with mental pain. And now, instead of words of consolation, I want to outline my situation. In June of this year, my husband left me after 35 years (!) of marriage. He went to a woman - a friend of his sister (!!!). This woman is 5 years older than him. The details are like all of us: I’m bad, but he suffered and endured for 35 years. AND THERE - it’s good! For me and for EVERYONE - it was a SHOCK! He left me, like everyone else, at a difficult turning point in his life. A lot happened at the same time. When I experienced a difficult psychological state, I pulled myself together and began to act: in November I myself filed for divorce and division of property. In hand is a summons with the date of the trial. At 56 years old, starting to rebuild your life is not for the weak! And you're only 47! My children support me, although they live with their families in another city. My husband's family doesn't communicate with me. My relatives are not in this city. But I work (thank God!), although I had to change the team where I worked for a long time and everyone was like family. I have a hobby that also brings in a small income. I come home at 22-00, go to bed, and in the morning it’s back to work. I also fill my weekends to capacity. My hobby is related to communication, so this also supports me. Church and prayers help a lot. Tanya, believe me, the acute pain will pass, and God will give you energy and strength for constructive action. It has been quoted here more than once: “Everything that doesn’t kill us makes us stronger!” Don't forget about vitamin and medication support! The pain from deception and betrayal is not forgotten, it dulls (for me after six months). God willing, we will overcome everything! I have no doubt about this. After my husband left, my children and I rallied and became closer. The children support me very much, although the children did not utter a single word of condemnation towards their father. We BOTH are dear to them. The children promise to “put” me on alpine skiing. So, Tanya, so many opportunities are opening up that you never dreamed of “with your husband”! Because we all lived only in the interests of the family and THEIR interests. And now there is an opportunity to “unearth” your interests and desires and realize them! Good luck to you on this path! The sooner you take this path, the more time you will have! Get well soon!

Skela, age: 56 / 12/07/2011

Dear Tatyana! I want to support you, a worthy person. I have no right to advise you, I have different circumstances, unfortunately, I have no children, I just left a person who did not love me and bullied me, I worry, the resentment still lives in me (a year has passed). But I didn’t give up and am positive.
I wish you, dear namesake, patience and faith. You will survive, of course, if you want it.
The Lord will reward you, you will find peace, family happiness with children. I wish you to meet a person who can appreciate you. Read the articles on this site, they inspire, help you correctly assess yourself and the situation.
I hug you tightly.

Tatiana, age: 35 / 12/07/2011

Tatyana, hello! Any tests are given to us so that we can take a fresh look at our lives and change something in it for the better. I understand that now you are confused and in pain. But weren’t there difficult situations in your life before? Gradually everything got better, you found a way to move on. And now it will be the same! Hold on, give your love and care to your loved ones, do not lose Faith. You are a wonderful, wise woman. You will handle everything with honor.

Ekaterina, age: 21/12/08/2011

Tatyana, only time can heal. Your husband left you, and my wife left me after 20 years of life. How do you think I feel? Just think - water is off a duck's back? You are wrong. This state is sometimes impossible to express in words.
Let me tell you something about you.
You can do ANYTHING.
You control EVERYTHING.
You can achieve any success you want.
You can and will rise up when life gets you down again.
I believe in you.

That's all I wanted to tell you.

P.S. Why am I telling you this? Because we ourselves have stumbled more than once in this life... It was in such difficult moments that we so needed to hear these words. These words help us rise and move on... Each of us needs someone to support us... and I want to tell you that the world is not without good people, and there will be one who will always be there, will support you and help you .

Listen... if it's hard for you now... then I was there too. And I want to say - it will definitely get better. Just don't give up and keep going!

I believe in you.

Victor, age: 47 / 12/13/2011

Hello Tatiana. My situation is also difficult, we are getting divorced soon, now we hardly talk, I feel bad most of all for the children.
But I want to tell you this. I’m also afraid of losing faith in men and people, but after reading articles by psychologists on this site, I realized - what does other people have to do with it??? When we dig up rotten potatoes, it doesn’t mean that they are all like that. Yes, perhaps there is a lot of it in a bad year. But there is also a good, large, feast for the eyes.
And also - when we have a toothache and everything hurts and it’s impossible to live - does this mean that all our teeth are bad? It hurts - we treat it or tear it out.
So it is here - yes, it hurts, yes, it’s bad, but the worst thing is to think that it will always be like this with everyone. The most important thing is not to be afraid to GIVE! But you definitely need to think about who to give it to. You can give the last, but to those who really need it and will return it to you a hundredfold with their attitude.

Marina, age: 31 / 12/16/2011

Tatiana, age: 40 / 12/17/2011

Thank you all for your support and your warm kind words! I believe that everything will turn out great for me and my children in the future! Let God judge them!
Maybe they have yet to grow into love.
I wish everyone who supported me happiness, love and prosperity in the coming 2012! May God give us all the best!

Tatiana, age: 47 / 12/23/2011

Dear Tatyana!
Happy New Year and Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones!
Happiness to you and peace in your soul, renewal!
God bless you!

Tatiana, age: 35 / 12/23/2011

I went to the site with a problem, though it’s not my husband who is rushing about, but just a man whom I recently met... it’s not so painful, not so scary, when it doesn’t connect so much, of course. But now I read Tatyana’s letter and all the responses, and for some reason my soul felt good. A lot has been said about God, a lot of good words about life, it feels like the best and most worthy women in the world, smart and sensible, have gathered here. Thank you to this world for the fact that there are such people, otherwise I have already begun to be sad that there are only scoundrels around. That’s right, one woman wrote a comparison with potatoes and teeth :) it’s very correct and we need to understand this. Life is not so simple, the main thing is to be wise, try not to get angry and continue to live with dignity! I try, but it’s very difficult for me, either I choose such men or I have problems within myself. No matter how much I start dating a person, he either likes to drink, likes to go for a walk, or is just a proud egoist. Although they seem normal in appearance. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me, I’m almost 34 and I’ve never been married and I’m already afraid to start a relationship, I think that all men only think about themselves, they cheat, they betray, they behave as they want. There are so many stories about how one man has two women and now he torments them... There is so much pain in everything... here is my last story: we met, talked as friends, then more, fell in love, and then I find out that such people I’m not the only one who says kind words to everyone... well, I don’t even know what to do. By the way, I would really like to know how Tatyana, who wrote this letter, is doing... After all, a lot of time has passed, I really want to know! Maybe I'll be lucky and she'll respond :)

Girl, age: 33 / 09/23/2013

Almost two years have passed since I wrote this letter. I want to thank everyone for their support and kind words. Your warmth helped me get through a difficult time. I read the last letter and am writing a response. The pain passed, I let go of the man who was my husband and the father of my children in my thoughts. God, indeed, has managed everything for the better - I am next to a man who, in human qualities, is much higher than my ex-husband. His family became my family, and my children became family to my second husband and his parents. The children’s relationship with their own father has not improved, which, of course, still upsets me, but life does not stand still, but moves forward. I wish my ex-husband happiness and prosperity, and I hope that sooner or later he will be able to become a real man. Maybe the sick child was sent to him so that he could learn to love at least someone. I want to tell all women that there is life after divorce. Someone decides to believe in family happiness again, someone decides to stay alone, but happiness is inside a person, and not at all outside. Love your loved ones and be happy! Good luck to you all, happiness and love!

Tatyana, age: 49 years / 09/30/2013

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