1. “The daughter-in-law must obey her mother-in-law”

— the daughter-in-law is not obliged to obey her mother-in-law, she is an adult and a free person.

A mother-in-law who tries to bend her daughter-in-law to herself risks ruining her relationship with her son’s family and not seeing her grandchildren.

The mother-in-law also thinks that since she “acquired a daughter” in her daughter-in-law, she has the right to tell her what to do. But adult children are not obliged to obey the orders of their parents, especially not their own.

2. “My mother-in-law will be my second mother”

- if the mother-in-law is jealous of her son and is immediately opposed to her daughter-in-law, then there will be no friendship here. Cold neutrality at best. But, as sad practice shows, such a mother-in-law will do everything to ruin relationships in a young family. In such cases, instead of suffering from your mother-in-law's dislike, you need to protect your family.

People can become a “second mother” and “daughter” when there is spiritual closeness between them. If the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are alien “in spirit,” then there is no point in suffering.

If a wise mother-in-law and a wise daughter-in-law are both determined to accept and love each other, then the chances of creating a good relationship are very high.

3. “You cannot drag your husband into a conflict with your mother-in-law.”

- if the mother-in-law humiliates and offends her daughter-in-law, then the husband is simply obliged to stand up for his wife, and not “bury his head in the sand.” That's why he is a husband, to protect his family, even from his own relatives! Otherwise, how will a wife defend her rights as a wife to her mother-in-law if the husband has withdrawn himself or taken the mother’s side?

Some things are better resolved through your husband rather than directly. The husband is his beloved son; he can do what his daughter-in-law cannot.

4. “The daughter-in-law is bad and you need to “open your son’s eyes”

- if her son lives with her, then everything is fine. If they don’t like it, let them sort it out themselves, don’t interfere, otherwise you’ll be to blame. There are two options here - either he will move away from his mother, who speaks badly about his wife, or he will get divorced, suffer and blame you again. And yet, the husband often conveys to his wife the words of his mother, remember this, mother-in-law! And then you wonder why your son’s wife doesn’t want to know you. It's simple: who likes to hear bad things about themselves, especially from the mother of a loved one. By the way, criticism is often unfounded, simply out of jealousy and envy of the mother-in-law.

5. “Young people need to be helped”

- help only if asked. If they don’t ask, don’t interfere! Believe me, most of the “mother-in-law - daughter-in-law” conflicts stem from unsolicited, imposed help! “I’ll teach my daughter-in-law to cook,” the mother-in-law thinks, and is sincerely offended when the daughter-in-law snorts. The mother-in-law “wants what’s best”; this infuriates the daughter-in-law. And even if the daughter-in-law is a top-class cook, this is usually not an argument for the mother-in-law. It’s also unpleasant for the daughter-in-law that her husband’s mother considers her unskillful.

It’s simple: learn to convey information in such a way as not to offend others. If you can’t, it’s better to remain silent. My tongue is my enemy!

6. “Grandma knows better how to treat children.”

- what mother would calmly accept the fact that her grandmother is trying to take away her right to raise her child? Your mother-in-law has already raised her own, so give your daughter-in-law her legal right to be a mother. Learn to prompt carefully, or remain silent.

7. The daughter-in-law should live with her mother-in-law and take care of her.

- only if the mother-in-law is bedridden. In other cases, living with your mother-in-law is a nuclear explosion. If you want to save your marriage, live separately. Learn from other people's mistakes!

MISTAKES OF THE BRIDE

A daughter-in-law in her relationship with her mother-in-law needs to avoid two extremes:

1. Neglect your husband's mother

2. Trying too hard to please.

And you shouldn't have expectations. You shouldn’t imagine how your mother-in-law will become your second mother, how you will become a big happy family and get together for the holidays. However, an initially hostile position towards the husband’s mother is also nothing good.

Unfulfilled expectations mean extra nerves!

Of course, it’s great if at first sight you have peace and harmony with your mother-in-law, but as practice shows, alas, this is rare.

So, let's look at the extremes:

Mother-in-law - “get out”!

The daughter-in-law wants her husband to belong only to her.

Huge mistake! In addition to you, the woman he loves, he has parents, friends, hobbies, etc. Usually, jealous wives drive away not only their mother-in-law, but also their friends. And this usually doesn’t end well! (The exception, of course, is friends who are drunks, drug addicts, those who like to “go to the left,” etc.)

However, if the husband really spends too much time with his mother, and the wife is alone with the children and the household, then what to do? Negotiate, communicate. Explain that now he is a husband and his family needs him, agree on a schedule for visiting his parents, say, 1-2 times a week (month), depending on the circumstances. To convey that he is now a husband and father, and is responsible for his family. What does he need psychologically divorce your mother, will separate. There is nothing wrong with this, it is a normal process of life.

So, dear daughter-in-law, I understand that your mother-in-law can be unpleasant to you, but unless there are extraordinary actions on her part, you will have to be patient. Congratulations on holidays, ignoring teachings and whining “because my son has lost weight.”

Dear daughter-in-law! Believe me, not every mother-in-law is a snake and a monster, she just worries about her son as much as she can.

Get into the skin of another person!

We are all good judges until you find yourself in another person's place. And we will behave even worse than he did.

If only we had walked as many roads as he did, we would have cried a sea of ​​tears, our feet would bleed... and we would have spoken differently!

Imagine that your beloved son grows up, gets married, and his wife will turn her nose up at you, drive you away from her son in every possible way and ignore you. Nice? Yes, it is clear that young people want to separate and live independently, but can you forbid a mother’s heart to worry? You’ve been taking care of him all your life, and now they’re telling you, “Leave me alone, don’t interfere.” You call to find out how they live, but they send you. You go to your daughter-in-law with all your heart, and she goes to you with all her back! Yes, the mother-in-law can be wrong and overly intrusive. Well, forgive her for this, she is an elderly woman who has one son and one joy in her life! But when the grandchildren appear, grandma will be happy to sit with them, and you will be able to relax.

What should I do, daughter-in-law? For example, buy tickets to the theatre, conservatory, or exhibition, give them to your husband - let him take his mother out into the world! Let the son dedicate this evening to his mother, let him give her roses! Let them be together, let the mother-in-law feel that she is cared for and loved. Your husband is with you, but your mother is alone. Let him go visit her, take his grandchildren, grandma will be happy, and while you go to a beauty salon or just sleep. If you, daughter-in-law, find it difficult to communicate with your mother-in-law, then congratulations on holidays and polite greetings when meeting are enough. This is my husband’s mother, so let him communicate with her.

The other extreme that daughters-in-law go to is that they try too hard to please their mother-in-law.

The basis of such a desire is usually the complex of a “good girl” who wants to please everyone and everything. This is the right path to neurosis, because... As you know, you can’t please everyone. Everyone likes this gold and diamonds.

In addition, a daughter-in-law who is trying her best to please her mother-in-law is usually simply not confident in her relationship with her husband and is trying to get his mother as an ally. The daughter-in-law does not admit to herself that she is insecure.

Overly diligent daughters-in-law completely forget or don’t know that building good relationships is a two-way process! What, if a person has decided not to love you and does not want to communicate with you, then there is little that can be done. If the mother-in-law is immediately negative towards her daughter-in-law, then even if you hurt yourself, you won’t be good for her! Rather, on the contrary, the mother-in-law will intuitively sense her daughter-in-law’s strong desire to please her, and will manipulate her. The relationship will come down to the fact that the daughter-in-law will try to please, and the mother-in-law will watch her attempts with a grin - “well, well, let’s see what comes out of you.” Usually this is called bullying, but they also bully those who allow themselves to be bullied.

Respecting others and trying for them is a good thing, but you also need to respect yourself and try for yourself! Otherwise, if you are like a dog, “bring slippers” to your mother-in-law, do not be surprised at the bad attitude. Although the harmful mother-in-law loves pet dogs much more...

“Paws up and on the back...”

Have you seen how two dogs meet - a big one and a small one? The little one sits on the back, legs up, showing her belly. In animals, this is a posture of submission, and the stronger individual feels superior. So, an overly diligent daughter-in-law begins to dance in front of her mother-in-law on her “hind legs”, immediately gives her the place of the mistress of the house, and then wonders why her mother-in-law is in charge of her house. The daughter-in-law puts herself in the wrong position from the very beginning, and then complains that her mother-in-law suppresses her.

You understand how you position yourself, so it will be. People, by the way, respect strong personalities and fear them.

So, dear daughters-in-law, stay on equal terms, respect yourself and do not give offense.

Just because your mother-in-law is older and she is your husband’s mother does not mean that you are lower in rank than her!

On the contrary, a wife is more important to a husband than a mother. Wise mothers-in-law understand this and do not pretend to be their son’s wife (otherwise it smacks of incest). And our legislation confirms this - the wife is the first heir, not the mother-in-law. The Bible also speaks about this - “two flesh become one,” “the husband will leave his parents and cleave to his wife, and the two will become one).

Live separately

One of the “best” ways to ruin your relationship with your mother-in-law for the rest of your life is to move in with her. And you never know that she says there that “there is enough space”, etc. The mother-in-law either doesn’t understand how difficult it is, or wants to quarrel with you. So, if you are not a thick-skinned elephant, do not move! Believe me, everyday conflicts alone are enough to ruin your life. What can we say about banal maternal jealousy? The son stops paying attention to his mother, and the mother-in-law (often lonely) begins to be offended and jealous.

In addition, at the age when a woman usually becomes a mother-in-law, she begins menopause. And this includes emotional swings, hormones are raging, and poor health. The woman becomes nervous, negative character traits intensify, and then you are a living reminder to the mother-in-law of her bygone youth, and there is commotion in the house. In addition, older people have a very difficult time with strangers in their space. Even though you are her son’s wife, you are new to your mother-in-law, and essentially still a stranger.

So, if you want to save your bark, rent at least a room on the outskirts (it’s not expensive), but separately!

Forget about borders

What are boundaries in communication? This is when you immediately make it clear how someone can behave with you and how they cannot. That is, there is a line that you do not allow to cross. For example, someone doesn’t like it when strangers touch them. But some people don't care.

Immediately show your mother-in-law where she shouldn’t go (for example, she starts asking about sex with her husband, and simply climbs into your bed). It is better not to let your mother-in-law into your family's financial affairs, your plans, etc.

So, if you want your mother-in-law to get involved in all your affairs, then:

1. Involve her in everything

2. Allow interference in everything.

If the mother-in-law begins to lecture and impose, for example: “You’re doing it wrong, you should do it THIS way!”, answer: “And my mother taught me to do THIS!” And that’s it, let someone dare to touch your mother.

Take your dirty linen out in public

Complain to everyone about what a bitch your mother-in-law is, and “good people” will immediately tell your mother-in-law. War!

But you can always speak out so that it doesn’t go further. A good psychologist, an anonymous helpline, a confession with a priest will help you. But complaining to your husband’s relatives, acquaintances, neighbors about your mother-in-law is 100% what they will convey to her, and even in a perverted form.

So, dear daughters-in-law, remember:

- live separately!

- make your husband your ally

- you will never be “good” to everyone. To please everyone is a fantasy.

— be yourself, boldly express and defend your opinion. Love yourself.

- respect yourself. Don't allow yourself to be insulted and bullied. If your mother-in-law does this, stop communicating with her, this is your right.

- if your mother-in-law is adequate, treat her with respect, even if you don’t like her. You don't have to like her either.

- show your mother-in-law basic signs of attention, gifts - everything that allows you to build good relationships with any person in general, and not just with your mother-in-law.

Relations with my mother-in-law became conflicting when she stated and still stands by her opinion that the wife should go to her husband’s house to live. We had a small child (daughter) and I was caring for my paralyzed mother and I delayed it, saying that for now I'm not ready to live in a house. I LIKE LIVING IN MY TWO-ROOM APARTMENT.
After some time, they left me behind and my husband began to live with us in my apartment. We had a second child, a son, and he began to get sick at the age of three months.. my mother-in-law again began to insist on moving The mother-in-law herself is a very energetic fighting woman, she loves to command and manage everyone. As I understand itSHE was going to live in my two-room apartment with her disabled sister and her 12-year-old daughter. I kind of ignored this, because they both have a comfortable apartment and they have somewhere to go to live. SHE TOLD ME SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT, THE HOUSE IS COLLAPSE, AND I AM A LITTLE, FRAGILE WOMAN...HUSBAND WENT TO HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW’S HOUSE AND I DID ALL THE THINGS, INCLUDING WOMEN'S THINGS: WEEDING THE BEDS, ETC.
I’m not against my mother-in-law’s help, but with 2 small children there was no time for a garden.
When I finally decided to give in for the sake of preserving the family, in order to live with my husband, my mother-in-law said that it was too late... and her sister and daughter moved to live with her, although they had lived separately before.
My husband almost lived with my mother....he rarely called....he was rude. I TRIED TO TALK TO HIM THAT WE ARE THE SAME FAMILY, MOM NEEDS HELP, BUT WE SHOULD NOT FORGET ABOUT THE FAMILY
I was finishing my studies... I had to pass my diploma, I needed 10 thousand money... before that my mother’s pension helped out, but she died after suffering.
I turned to my husband for help... HE SAID ROUGHLY - TAKE A LOAN. I EXPLAINED THAT I WAS ON DEPARTMENT AND WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE A LOAN. Apparently having discussed the issue with my family, [B] My husband answered my next call: We don’t have money to teach you. THEN, WITH ANGRY, HE BROUGHT ME THESE 10 THOUSAND, TAKEN THE MONEY IN ADVANCE OF THE SALARY.
It was already autumn... and my husband still lived with his mother... all the problems had to be solved by herself.
I FILED FOR DIVORCE, GIVEN A PROBATIONAL PERIOD. MY HUSBAND STILL CAME TO ASK FOR FORGIVENESS AND SAID THAT IT WOULD BE WRONG FOR HE TO LIVE WITH YOUR FAMILY.
I CRIED, HOPE THAT EVERYTHING WOULD WORK GOOD.
I PASSED THE DIPLOMA AND STATE EXAMINATIONS, MY HUSBAND WAS NOT LEFT ALONE WITH THE CHILDREN, AND ALWAYS TOOK THE CHILDREN IMMEDIATELY TO MOM.
someone doesn’t have children, but God gave me another child, there was no divorce, my husband and I reconciled. WE HAD A THIRD CHILD, another son. THE TROUBLE ADDED. Within a year we began to look for a house for our family... because . my husband was eager to live in the house, I was ready to sell my apartment. My mother-in-law told my son to buy a house next to me, and this is a completely different area of ​​the city. I was tired of living according to my mother-in-law... WHY SHOULD I DO AS IT IS CONVENIENT FOR HER.
ONCE MY HUSBAND TOLD ME THAT YOU ARE USED TO EVERYTHING READY. I ANSWERED WITH RESPONDENCE THAT I ALONE HAVE PLANTED A Cottage For 5 YEARS AND I DO NOT CONSIDER MYSELF AS A LAZY...LET THEM BE WITH THE CHILDREN...I WILL DIGGING...I ALSO WANT TO DIGGING IN THE GROUND....
THE MONTH OF MAY HAS COME AND HIS HUSBAND... WENT TO LIVE WITH HIS MOM'S HOUSE BECAUSE HE HAD BUSINESS THERE..
MOM ALSO HAD GOATS AND THEM NEED TO BE CARED TOO..
..yesterday I PICKED UP TWO CHILDREN AND ARRIVED WITH A STROLLER (THE HOUR TO GO) TO THE HOUSE TO HELP IN THE VEGETABLE GARDEN. but it so happened that a small child, he was 9 months old, just didn’t want to stay with anyone and cried.. I endured it... but still I went up to my child. and took him in my arms.. why do I owe him leave him screaming for a long time. Then I went to feed him... and then I had to put him to sleep... in the new environment he somehow didn’t want to settle down...
AT NIGHT THE CHILD SLEEP BADLY, WOKE UP, CRYING. IN THE MORNING I SITT WITH THE CHILD IN THE CORRIDOR SO AS NOT TO WAKE ANYONE UP.. because everyone likes to sleep for a long time... AND THEN LEAVING THE SMALL CHILD WITH NASTYA, SHE IS 13 YEARS OLD (THE MOTHER-IN-LAW’S SISTER’S DAUGHTER), BY RUNNED TO THE STORE AND FOR DIAMPERS...I bought cucumbers and sausages for okroshka.
RUNNING INTO THE HOUSE, IT WAS ALREADY 10 AM, I SAW MY MOTHER-IN-LAW ALREADY UP
my mother-in-law did not sleep well and FELT out of sorts in the morning..
I told about the house that I was looking at for my family with Andrei. MY MOTHER-IN-LAW SUDDENLY STARTED A CONVERSATION AGAIN, THAT YOU WERE OFFERED TO LIVE IN THE HOUSE, AND YOU REFUSED... AND NOW SAY IT’S LATE.. THEN CALLED ME A LAZY GIRL.. THAT I RUNNED AWAY FROM THE GARDEN I DO NOT DO ANYTHING. I EXPLAIN THIS SO THE CHILD WAS CRYING HE WAS VERY USED TO BE WITH MOM... BUT THE MOTHER-IN-LAW STARTED TO INSULT ME AGAIN. I was very offended. THEN SHE CALLED ME FAT AND TOLD ME TO LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR. .I AM ONLY AND I THINK THAT I’M ROLLING WITH A STROLLER THROUGH THE SHOPS AND SPENDING MONEY. THESE WORDS WERE SO UNFAIR..I HOLD THE BABY IN MY HANDS AND THE REST OF THE CHILDREN WERE ALL NEARBY..I asked her to calm down and not scream...I HAVE WORKED ALL THREE DECREES AND I’M OLD US SAVE ...I'M FEEDING MY BABY WITH FORMULA...OF OF COURSE THE COSTS WILL BE MORE COSTS IF I WAS BREASTFEEDING I WOULD TAKE LESS MONEY.MY NERVES WERE GETTING HIGH..SHE KEEP RUNNING INTO THE KITCHEN AND WAS EVEN MORE TURNED UP.SO I TURNED OUT TO KNOCK LA mother-in-law HAND on the shoulder. AS WELL TRYING TO QUIET HER AND SHE SAID WITH THE WORDS, IF I WERE YOUR MOTHER, I WOULD KILL YOU, GRAB THE BELT AND BEGAN TO WHIP ME... BUT I DIDN’T CRY.. AND THE BABY WAS IN MY HANDS..
A disabled sister came out of another room and also began to scold me, calling me arrogant and lazy.
I DO NOT CONSIDER THEM TO BE RIGHT. A CHILD IS UNTIL A YEAR OLD IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FOR A MOTHER..AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF THE CHILD FIRST OF ALL, SEEING THAT HE IS BAD.
they called me ungrateful, my mother-in-law remembered that I hired someone else’s woman (I went to work for two hours), and paid her, but when her disabled sister came around, for some reason she didn’t mind.. YES Galina SOMETIMES CAME AND OFFERED HER HELP.. .I didn’t know that relatives also need to pay for driving with a child..
My mother-in-law sarcastically said I WOULD LOOK AT YOU HOW YOU COPED WITH YOUR THREE CHILDREN ALONE!!! I never dreamed of having a daughter-in-law like you! THEY ALSO CALLED ME A BITCH WHO FORCES HUSBAND TO WORK.
and it's all about me
I JUST DID NOT HAVE WORDS.
At this time it was already necessary to feed the child, I finally got out into the corridor and there CALMLY fed the child.... and then I packed my things and left with my daughter (4, and little son (9 MONTHS)) in a stroller home. MIDDLE SON (3 YEARS OLD ) = DADDY'S FAVORITE STAYED IN THE HOUSE. STAYED. They thought that I would obey them and crawl into the garden.. THEY DID NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO TREAT ME THIS WAY!!! I'M VERY BITTER I'M SITTING AND CRYING! IT'S MY OWN GUILTY FOR CHOSING MY HUSBAND MOMMY’S SON! I don’t want to live, but I need to for the sake of the children. I hate my mother-in-law!! SHE RUINED MY ENTIRE LIFE! SHE turns my son against me all the time!!

Hello! I have a very difficult and incomprehensible situation in my family. Problems with mother-in-law. I married the man I love. The husband turned out to be a good father and helped in everything. The mother-in-law, who at that time lived with her husband’s brother, her other son, sold her apartment and gave him money for turnover in trade, and moved to live with us.
On the very first day I created a scandal, which came about because of this. Exhausted by insomnia, I washed diapers and prayed for the children to sleep longer; they also needed time to prepare lunch for the adults, wash and iron them. The mother-in-law, who loved to chat with her friends, began calling them at that very moment. I asked her to speak a little more quietly, very politely, without any tricks. What started here! She shouted: “I’m the same as you, mistress, and don’t f... tell me! They sent out the children to milk my son, he will be their slave all his life!” And the children woke up and were crying. I took them both in my arms and started walking around the room. In the evening, my mother-in-law began to slander me to my husband, crying that her life would end in a nursing home.
My husband, a gentle, kind man, began to get nervous at the sight of his mother’s tears and reprimanded me that, they say, it was possible to give in to the old man and not bring the matter to tears and swearing. He asked me not to forget that this was his mother, etc. When he went to work, and I remained with my mother-in-law and children, she, as I now understand, very subtly played her thoughtful game. She said nasty things and insulted me. Looking into the pan, she announced: “A soup called b...evotina” or like this: “My g...o looks better than what you’re cooking.”

She told my husband something completely different in her room, and loudly so that he could hear. I understood that her lies would anger me. She said: “I don’t know, Sasha, I don’t know how to please her. I wash the dishes and wash the diapers, call her “daughter,” and she answers me: “What kind of daughter am I to you?” I swear to you, she never called me daughter. Only “lousy skeleton” or “fucked up”. But how can I be fat if I’m like a squirrel in a wheel, spinning around all day with two children? Before pregnancy I was fatter. The question is not even about my resentment, what I am in appearance is what I am, but about the fact that I can be left alone with two one-year-old children because of her.

My husband changed a lot towards me and started drinking. It’s unclear where he spends the night, and his mother-in-law begins to feel sorry for him when he comes: “My unfortunate boy, they’ve gotten you so far, you’re running away from home.” One day my husband didn’t come to spend the night again. Having suffered with the children, upset by Sasha’s absence, I went to my mother-in-law. She was lying with a cigarette and reading a romance novel.
“Please, let's talk,” I said. In response, smoke in my direction and silence.

– Nina Pavlovna, don’t you really feel sorry for your son Sasha, if not your grandchildren? He hadn't drunk at all before. Well, what should we share with you? Let's make peace, I beg you. I love Sasha, I have no one but my family. I don’t remember my mother, please replace her for me. You are getting old, anything can happen, I will never refuse to help you. Only you help me now. I’m on the edge, I can’t understand anything anymore, I’m flying into the abyss.
This is where she told me:
“I’ll stand up to my neck in blood, and even if you give birth to five more children, I won’t let Sasha live with you.”

But why? What did I do to her? So what should I do? Thank you!

Answer from theSolution psychotherapist:

When your mother-in-law intrigues against you - this is sign No. 3 of Pathological deceit (deception, deceit, intrigue)

When she told your husband out loud that she calls you daughter and treats you well, but in reality it was different - this is a pretense of feelings, in other words - hypocrisy. These are, respectively, signs No. 1 from the checklist of signs of psychopathy: (deceptive charm, hypocrisy) and No. 6 (Superficiality of emotions, pretense of feelings)

When your mother-in-law said in response to your sincere request for help and reconciliation, “I will stand up to my neck in blood and, even if you give birth to five more children, I will not let Sasha live with you” - these are signs No. 5 (this is the inability to experience the highest moral feelings - compassion, empathy, regret, guilt and shame); No. 7 (callousness, cruelty, lack of empathy, coldness, contempt, inattention towards other people) and No. 21 - thinking through and applying behavioral strategies for the purpose of deceiving and misleading Your husband is being misled, of course.

When your mother-in-law insults you, this is sign number 11 from the list: poor behavioral control (violent expression of negative feelings, verbal insults and inappropriate and unacceptable ways of expressing anger)

Your husband has the difficult task of caring for his mother: she does not appear to be very mentally healthy.

It is advisable for you to talk to your spouse, having thoroughly prepared, explaining the problem to him. He may not have heard anything about personality disorders or mental illness, and is unaware that his mother's behavior is very deviant from the norm. Moreover, he may not believe in her ability to be hypocritical. Try collecting evidence of her problematic behavior (secret videos and audio recordings) to show your husband what is really going on behind his back. Perhaps he will also be concerned about the state of his mother’s mental health and consult her with a good psychiatrist. You, as family members, have the right to write a statement to the district psychiatrist at your place of registration with a request to examine your mother-in-law.

If you read the article about it, you will see that there are psychopath-like syndromes (similar to psychopathy), which are a mask for serious mental illnesses (for example, schizophrenia). Only a psychiatrist can distinguish this, and not immediately. Sometimes he observes a person for several months when he sees a state borderline between psychopathy (personality disorder) and schizophrenia. They have different disorders in thinking. In any case, the aggressiveness of such people will have to be corrected with pills. A psychiatrist can tell you which pills you should take and in what situation. Find out from a psychiatrist whether it is dangerous to live with her, what pills she needs to take if her aggressiveness increases.

If your mother-in-law is diagnosed with a personality disorder, then you and your husband will have a hard time.

Psychopaths need compliance from loved ones. They have no sensitivity, ethics and ethics, their goal is exclusively financial gain. In your case, you will have to understand what its material benefits are? What does your mother-in-law really need from you? And don’t rely on conscience; psychopaths don’t have one. Psychopaths may harass loved ones for selfish reasons, such as for an apartment, registration, or money. If you say your husband is soft and compliant, her goal may be to manipulate him. Maybe - make it so that you can live at his expense, kicking you and your young children out of the apartment after a provoked divorce. She doesn't have her own apartment.

If she turns out to have something like schizophrenia (or another mental illness from this spectrum), then she will need to make sure that she does not miss taking her pills. It is important to monitor this so that the personality defect does not increase and the oddities in her behavior do not intensify. It is possible that you will have to resolve the issue of her living separately (in a separate apartment or house) and daily supervision on your part and on the part of your husband.

Question for a psychologist:

Hello, I am 34 years old, I have been married for 5 years, this is my second marriage. The essence of my problem is that I am very offended and angry with my mother-in-law and I can’t do anything about these feelings, although I know that I need to get rid of them, because she is my husband’s mother, and I will have to communicate with her all my life. While my future husband and I were just dating, there was a fairly friendly relationship with my mother-in-law, but everything changed as soon as my husband and I began to live together. I moved in with him, and every time my mother came to visit, she rearranged things the way they were before me. She suddenly developed inappropriate affection for her son, at every meeting she constantly hugged him, kissed him, and said “my beloved son, my boy.” In my opinion, it was all very feigned, I understood that she was doing this for me, but I did not pay attention until she began to cross the boundaries. She could lie down in the grass and say: “Son, my boy, come with me and lie in the grass,” or call me and my son (from my first marriage) and say: “Look how I kiss your dad on the lips.” The peak was the situation when the mother-in-law, knowing that her son was completely naked (he was changing clothes, I told her about it), pushed me aside and came into the room with the words “So what, he’s my son.” Moreover, it should be noted that the son did not react at all, he simply changed his clothes and his mother left the room with a victorious expression on her face. He couldn’t really explain to me why there was no adequate reaction on his part. This is my mother, he didn’t want to offend her, but supposedly such an incident happened for the first time. I was extremely unhappy then; there was a feeling that some kind of betrayal had occurred. That’s when jealousy and mistrust settled in my soul, I didn’t want to go visit them, I didn’t want to meet her at all. Time after time, my mother-in-law would not forget to point out to me, casually and jokingly, some external flaw in her opinion. I tried not to react, but of course I got upset. At every family holiday, she sat next to her son, and always tried to seat me further away. My husband allegedly didn’t notice anything and said that I was exaggerating or that I was imagining something. We lived with this until I became pregnant. The mother-in-law's reaction to this news is deathly silence. My husband justified me again, well, they said they didn’t expect it. During pregnancy, my mother-in-law was replaced, she did not intrigue me, did not harm me. I finally calmed down and thought: this is happiness. But as soon as I gave birth, the war began again, this time for my daughter. My mother-in-law does not take my opinion into account and does everything in her own way. When I ask you not to give her anything to eat, for example, fresh onions, because... the child is only 1 year old or strawberries and raspberries, because My daughter is allergic to these berries, she still gives them with the words: “I’m a little.” I stopped swaddling the baby early, she believed that swaddling was necessary and as soon as she was with her granddaughter, she immediately swaddled her, and once in front of me she simply put her hands in her romper. When I said that I didn’t need her daughter’s soft toys (my daughter is 27 years old), she still brought me a whole bag and only took it away when my husband asked her to do so. Every time we leave them, she tries to lure her granddaughter to her, either by telephone or by playing with water, as a result of which the child does not want to leave, begins to cry and asks to go to her grandmother. I get the impression that my mother-in-law is just deliberately bringing out negative emotions in me. After talking with her, I was completely crushed. My husband is on my side, but when talking he always tries to justify my mother, no matter what she does. I tried to talk to her, asked her not to do that, everything is useless, for her my words are an empty phrase. Everything should be the way she wants. My mother-in-law tells us where the crib should be and where the sofa should be, what I should wear for my daughter, how much I should give her to drink, etc. When we refuse to eat at her place, she says that we have nothing to eat at home, although I always cook and clean, I have never left her hungry, I always offer her something to eat. Her concern turned into obsession. All this happens at certain periods. Normal, normal, then - bam and gave it away! I tried many times to improve relations with her, but to no avail, as soon as I start treating her kindly, I call her, find out how she is doing, she immediately starts being mischievous. She only listens to her son, his word is law, but then she goes around and demonstrates her offended mood in every possible way. The last time, after another child’s tantrum, I told her everything that didn’t suit me and said that I was a mother and only I would decide what to eat for my children and what not, and what was good for them and what was bad, and she was like a grandmother. can help me, but not make decisions for me. My mother-in-law took this conversation as a personal insult, because she cares about us and does everything only for us (she also has a younger daughter. She doesn’t interfere with her family). As a result, we have not communicated for about a month, but the worst thing is that I don’t want this communication. As soon as I see her, it seems to me that my pulse begins to beat in my temples. I don’t know what to do with this... How to rid myself of this resentment accumulated over the years, of anger towards her? I understand that my husband is suffering, he is rushing as if between two fires, this doesn’t make me happy either, but I just can’t curb my feelings towards my mother-in-law.

Psychologist Svetlana Viktorovna Bashtynskaya answers the question.

Hello Tatiana!

After reading your letter, I would like to say that your mother-in-law’s behavior is really excessive for you. And you endured and remained silent for a very long time.

Yes, she is fighting for her son’s attention, and she is not always doing it appropriate or acceptable for you. Your husband found himself between two fires - you and his mother. It is difficult for him to admit that she is acting inappropriately or too oppressively, as it seemed to me, he tries not to enter into confrontation. But for you, it’s as if he is betraying your family, as if he is ready to forgive a lot, and this is not entirely true. This is his mother, with whom he has built a relationship over many years, and changing it is a difficult process.

As for your condition, I feel your indignation, your anger, your resentment. And it is important to understand where such strong emotions come from. Why you failed to set clear boundaries in your relationship with your mother-in-law.

The last time you communicated with your mother-in-law, you set boundaries, you did what you have the right to do. You, the mother, are the person who makes decisions and is responsible for the child. The way you wrote it sounds quite respectful, but you got a childish reaction - offense. And it is your mother-in-law's choice how to react.

Another question is why does your mother-in-law’s behavior hurt you so much? What caused this anger? Is it because she doesn’t consider you, or because you can’t openly express your negativity, or is it anger at your husband for not protecting you? There are many questions, and by answering them and understanding the reason for your emotions, you will feel better.

Now - don’t force yourself, the fact that you don’t want to communicate is natural. Allow yourself this, don't blame yourself. When the time comes and you meet her again, try to separate your accumulated emotions from what is really happening at the moment. Defend yourself, talk about what you don’t like respectfully: “when you do this, it has a bad effect on the child - ..., can you do it differently - ...”. Remind yourself that you are an adult woman, you are a mother, and you can decide for yourself what and how to do, you are not asking for anything supernatural. Don’t tolerate it, when you accumulate your emotions within yourself, it becomes difficult to breathe, they prevent you from living fully and adequately assessing the situation. Rating 4.28 (9 Votes)

The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has long been the talk of the town. The confrontation between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, overgrown with stereotypes, has persisted for hundreds of years in all cultures without exception. It seems to the mother-in-law that the daughter-in-law is doing everything wrong: she is not caring for her son properly and is not playing the role of a mother well. Of course, relationships with in-laws can be very difficult. An abusive mother-in-law can pose a serious threat to your marriage and children. This article discusses the problem of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. However, these tips can also be applied if the relationship between mother-in-law and son-in-law does not work out.

Steps

Part 1

Take a common position with your spouse

Reach out to your spouse. Most likely, your husband knows about your relationship with his mother. However, he may not even realize how deep your conflict goes. In addition, he may not fully understand how seriously you take the current situation. If you want to talk to your mother-in-law about how she treats you, let your husband know before you take action.

1. Decide whether you will take decisive action without informing your husband. Your spouse may not agree with you. In addition, he may understand your position, but be in no hurry to take any action. Therefore, you need to decide whether you are ready to take action without the help of your spouse.

   • Ask your husband if he can provide you with the support you need without being directly involved in resolving the conflict.
   • If you decide to act against your husband's wishes, it can lead to serious problems between you. If discussing a problem with your mother-in-law is very important to you, tell your husband about it. Perhaps he will be willing to compromise.
   • If your spouse flatly refuses to acknowledge the problem, chances are it won't be possible to resolve it. In this case, you should contact a family psychologist together in order to maintain a good relationship between you.

2. Try to understand the reason for your mother-in-law's behavior. Of course, this is difficult to do if you or your family are being insulted. However, it is important to try to see the situation from her point of view. Many mothers have difficulty letting go of their children, and they do not perceive them as parents.

   • Chances are, your mother-in-law wants what's best for your spouse and children (if you have any). Remember, your husband and children are what unites you with your mother-in-law. You may not agree with her actions and words, but at least you each have someone you love together.
   • Pay attention to cultural differences. If you and your mother-in-law are from different cultures, this may explain the reason for the misunderstanding between you. However, cultural differences cannot justify offensive behavior.

3. Play out the conversation with your mother-in-law. Your spouse knows his mother well, so you can play with him the situation of your conversation with his mother. Think about what she might say in response to your complaint. This will help your spouse understand you better. In addition, it will be easier for you to come to a common opinion with your husband about your relationship with his mother.

   • Your husband may refuse to take part in preparing for the conversation. If he doesn't like your idea, you can ask him to just listen to you as you talk about different scenarios.

4. Agree on a plan of action. After you find out the reason for your mother-in-law's behavior, decide with your husband what you will do next. Your plan of action should be clear to both of you, and you should both agree to it.

   • You can schedule a conversation with your mother-in-law. Decide when and where you will talk to her. Do you want your husband to be present? Who will lead the conversation? You can create a script for your conversation and write it down so that you don’t say anything unnecessary during a conversation with your mother-in-law.
   • You may decide not to conflict with your mother-in-law, but simply spend less time with her. Decide together how much time you will spend communicating with your mother-in-law and what topics you will discuss.
   • Make a backup plan. For example, if your mother-in-law asks you why you didn’t visit her on the weekend, you should have a ready answer to this question, agreed upon with your husband. You can honestly say, “We don’t feel very comfortable spending a lot of time with you.” You can also say, "We've been very busy lately." Discuss with your spouse how you can answer this question.

5. Determine how your mother-in-law abuses you. Depending on your mother-in-law's attitude towards you, you should determine how to proceed. Remember that violence can take many forms, but all are unacceptable. If you have experienced abuse from your mother-in-law in the past, it will be best if you have an open conversation with her about it. If you continue to experience violence from her, more decisive action will be required from you.

   • If your mother-in-law abused your spouse when he was little, you can tell her that you know about it. You can also say, “I understand that this happened in the past. It's not easy for us to cope with this, but we are determined to create a healthy environment in our family."
   • If your mother-in-law continues to abuse you or your children, you can tell your spouse, “I understand that you could not change the situation as a child. But now we must do everything we can to stop this and protect our children.”

   Part 2

   Set boundaries

   1. Be honest in your relationships. Be a sincere person. You should not pretend that you treat your mother-in-law well if this is not the case at all. Of course, you must be polite towards your relatives. However, if everything is not going smoothly in your relationship, you should not pretend that the problem does not exist.

      • You should not consider your mother-in-law as a mother. She is your husband's mother, but not yours.
      • Do not allow touches that are unpleasant for you. If you feel uncomfortable, you shouldn't hug someone who doesn't make you feel good.

   2. Be confident and be prepared to defend yourself. Some women, because of their shyness, are in no hurry to rebuff abuse from their mother-in-law. If your mother-in-law says something offensive to you or your spouse, be prepared to stand up for your family.

      • If you have children, make sure your mother-in-law knows and follows your parenting rules. If she refuses to do this, remind her that you are the mother of your children. You can say, “I know you have experience raising children. However, we do things differently in our family, and I want you to respect our right and follow the rules if you want to spend time with your grandchildren.”
      • If she says something mean to you, you can say, “I don’t like being talked to like that. Please stop."

   3. Limit the time you spend with your mother-in-law. You should discuss this issue with your spouse. Your spouse may decide to spend more time with their mom than you do. Your mother-in-law may ask why you don't spend as much time with her. In addition, she may be pleased that she has the opportunity to communicate with her son alone.

      • You can tell your mother-in-law in advance that you will be spending less time with her. She may ask you what this is about. Decide with your spouse whether to answer her question honestly.
      • You can reduce the time you spend with your mother-in-law without telling her about it.

   4. Accept your mother-in-law's disapproval of you. If your mother-in-law has already shown her dissatisfaction with you and your family, she is unlikely to change her mind. Remember that you don't need her approval.

      • Tell me what you think. For example, if your mother-in-law says that your house is very small and cluttered with things, you can simply say, “We are happy to have a house. You may not like our house, but it suits our needs."

   5. Set boundaries according to the situation. If your mother-in-law continues to behave cruelly towards you, you may need to stop communicating with her. Even if she no longer behaves this way, her presence can have a negative impact on you and your spouse.

      • If your mother-in-law was physically or sexually abusive to your spouse when he was young, he may be reluctant to restore the relationship. Ask your husband if he wants to maintain his relationship with his mother.
      • A psychologist can help you overcome the effects of trauma your spouse suffered as a child.
      • If your mother-in-law is physically abusive towards your family members, you should contact law enforcement. If you suspect or know that she is sexually assaulting you, you should contact the police immediately.

   Part 3

   Keep your distance
   1. Change your place of residence, moving as far away from your mother-in-law as possible.
      • If your spouse does not accept the fact that his mother is abusive towards you, encourage him to see a psychologist together before deciding to end the marriage.
      • Divorce is a serious decision that should not be taken lightly. However, you don't have to endure abuse to save your marriage.

   2. Get help from a psychologist if necessary. If you or your children have suffered psychological trauma from dealing with your mother-in-law, you may need the help of a psychologist, even after this woman disappears from your life. It can take years to cope with the effects of violence, even if you are already safe.

      • Even if your spouse doesn't see the problem, you will still have to reap the consequences of your mother-in-law's abuse.
      • Children can suffer from violence even if they don't realize it. Make sure they have someone they trust to talk to if they are being abused by their grandmother.
   • If you have children, think about them first. Do they need protection from your mother-in-law? Should they communicate with her? Discuss these issues with your spouse.
   • Discuss your mother-in-law's behavior with a trusted friend or counselor. Find out from a friend or psychologist whether your mother-in-law's behavior is actually cruel. Only then take decisive action.

   Warnings

   • Violence can take many forms. Don't allow any of them. Abuse can be physical, verbal, emotional or sexual. Neglect is also a form of violence.