1.4 Interpersonal relationships in adulthood

Freud believed that a person's well-being in adulthood is determined by his ability to love and work. Most psychologists use other terms in their definitions, but the meaning of the latter remains unchanged.

The foundations of modern research in adult psychology were laid by E. Erikson. The central psychological moment in early adulthood (25–35) years is the establishment of intimacy, close personal connections with another person.

If a person has failed in intimate communication, then he may develop a feeling of isolation, the feeling that he cannot rely on anyone in the world except himself.

Erikson uses the term “intimacy” as multifaceted in meaning and scope. First of all, he refers to intimacy as the intimate feeling we feel towards spouses, friends, siblings, or other relatives. However, he also talks about intimacy itself, that is, the ability to “merge your identity with the identity of another person without fear that you are losing something about yourself” (20).

Adult development can be described in terms of three distinct systems that relate to different aspects of the self. These include the development of the personal self, the self as a family member (adult, child, spouse or parent), and the self as a worker.

These systems undergo changes both under the influence of various events and circumstances, and in interaction with the wider social environment and culture.

Development is a dynamic, bidirectional process that includes, as interacting elements, the individual's immediate environment, the social environment, as well as the values, laws and traditions of the culture in which the individual lives.

All of these interactions—and the personal changes that result from them—continue throughout life.

Conclusions: 1. Erikson believed that the development of intimacy is the most important achievement of early adulthood.

2. The inability to establish calm and trusting personal relationships leads to feelings of loneliness, social vacuum and isolation.

3. In order to be in a truly intimate relationship with another person, it is necessary that by this time the individual has a certain consciousness of what he is.

4. Intimacy is an integral part of a stable, satisfying emotional connection and is the basis of love.

1.5 Love

The sexual desire of a person as a biological being is determined by the instinct of procreation and the natural mechanism of sexual selection.

Modern research shows that nature has created in humans an attraction to a very specific type of individuals of the opposite sex. And this predestination operates at the genetic level. In other words, a person chooses a genetically suitable partner, or scientifically – genetically complementary.

Modern research allows us to hypothesize that the first stage of love is facilitated by the appearance of special molecules in the body, which are called PEA. The influence of this substance changes a person’s mood and attitude and contributes to the idealization of the object of a love relationship. Under the influence of PEA, the smell of a loved one, the sound of his voice, or a touch is enough for a person to feel strong arousal and experience pleasure. At the same time, communication with a loved one contributes to the production of this substance in the body. Therefore, when lovers for a long time do not have the opportunity to see each other, talk to each other, the amount of PEA in the body decreases, and this leads to negative experiences and a feeling of deep loss. That is why lovers, like drug addicts, crave conditions conducive to the production of PEA, and these are at the same time the conditions of a love relationship. Here, too, nature has laid down a universal mechanism—what the cell reacts to is part of its metabolism.

However, as the researchers note, the body adapts to the effects of PEA. And in order to maintain love feelings, stronger and stronger doses of PEA are required each time. This can be achieved by improving relationship techniques. But eventually there comes a limit. After two to four years, the PEA expires. This is a critical period in a love relationship. Romantic love does not last long, but this period is enough for people in love to give birth to a child. The action of PEA is enough for the child to survive the most difficult and difficult period of his development. It is interesting to note that according to statistics, a three- to four-year period of marriage ends with the first wave of divorces.

PEA is replaced by other hormones - serotonin and endorphin. Their effects are much gentler than PEA, but just as beneficial for love relationships. Endorphin softens the perception of negative situations, promotes the formation of stable positive emotional states, reduces pain, has a beneficial effect on the immune system, and promotes sexual relationships. Unfortunately, like PEA, endorphin breaks down in a fairly short time. And for new positive excitement, the brain requires new doses of endorphin, which are produced in the process of spiritual and physical relationships between lovers. The need for serotonin and endophrin is a natural stimulus for renewed love relationships.

Thus, nature has laid down a predisposition in a man’s attraction to a woman, which often manifests itself in irresistible passion. It can be said with a certain degree of confidence that lovers are created for each other by nature.

In the development of one person’s love for another, a certain periodization is observed. This process has become the subject of analysis by poets and writers. Stendhal gives an interesting description of love and its development. He identifies four types of love: love-passion, love-attraction, physical love, love-vanity and presents the genesis of love as follows: admiration; pleasure; hope; origin; first crystallization; doubt; second crystallization.

The first stage - admiration for a person of the opposite sex is difficult to accurately describe. “Love is like a fever, it is born and languishes without the slightest participation of the will” (16, p. 21). It can only be noted that the state of admiration depends on the general state in which a person is, on his previous experience and on the behavior of the object of admiration. Love arises when a person begins to imagine the possible pleasures that he could receive from the object of admiration. Already at this stage, there is an idealization of the object of admiration and, possibly, the formation of the hope that the object of admiration will reciprocate. The combination of admiration with the idea of ​​possible pleasure and possible reciprocal feelings gives rise to love.

The idea of ​​possible pleasure turns into pleasure when a person sees, touches, feels with all the senses and as close as possible the creature that he loves and who loves him (16, p. 14). In this state, active idealization of the object of love begins (primary crystallization). The object of love is endowed with various virtues.

If intimacy occurs at this stage, the process of idealizing the partner may stop or pause for a while, but new joys of love and new qualities appear in the loved one. If the object of admiration does not reciprocate, then a period of doubt begins. A person may try to give up the object of admiration, but may find that other joys of life have disappeared. A period of second idealization begins, combined with the desire to convince oneself, to prove that the object of admiration reciprocates. Every woman is different not only in external beauty, body beauty, but also in character traits. This is the answer to the question: “Why does a man choose not the most beautiful?” He chooses according to his character, he looks for her soul in a woman.

By comprehending in love the beauty of not only the body, but also the soul, a person becomes spiritual. In love, everyone gives himself to the other and through this he reveals himself in all his power, in all his spiritual strength. In love, a person expresses his moral content. The moral law requires that one forget oneself in another. Love gives itself to another. Love is the most intimate point of connection between nature and reason (21).

In the sacrifice of love is the source of the origin of tenderness, feelings and relationships. Love is nature and reason in their original union, i.e. natural attraction and reason, attraction and morality. It can be said that only where there is a disposition towards morality, natural attraction manifests itself in the form of love.

Love transforms not only the image of the beloved, but also the lover himself. Here we again remember Plato, who wrote that everyone who is touched by Eros becomes braver, fairer, more skillful.

Conclusions: 1. Love develops on the basis of biological prerequisites, rising to spiritual heights, when it spiritualizes a person’s behavior, changes it, strengthens his abilities, and promotes creative achievements.

2. The development of love depends on condition and experience.

3. The development of love is accompanied by the active work of the mind and imagination.

4. Love contributes to the emergence of virtue and spiritualizes a person.

5. Love is “an expression of intimacy between two people while preserving the integrity of both.”

2.1 Family cycle

Families have a predictable life cycle, characterized by a series of important events, or stages. The first event in this cycle is the formation of the parental family. Separation from the parents' family can occur at the time of marriage or earlier if a person has made a choice in favor of independence - decided to live alone or with some group of people. The second important event is, as a rule, marriage, with all the adaptation nuances that accompany it: establishing relationships with a new person and new relatives.

The most typical third event is the birth of the first child and the beginning of parenthood. This event is sometimes called the formation of one's own family, or the transition to parenthood. There are other important events in the life cycle of a family: the entry of the first child into school, the birth of the last child, the departure of the last child from the family, and the death of one of the spouses. In an extended family, which also includes immediate relatives, several such cycles can interact, ensuring the repetition of the event and thereby reducing the adaptive difficulties of each family member.

Over the past 50–100 years, family cycles have changed both in the time structure of their events and in their nature. Not only have people lived longer than ever before, but the ages at which they reached various stages of the family cycle and the average time between the onset of various events in family life have changed. Thus, the period of time between the departure of the last child from home and the retirement of the parents or their death increases, and the duration of this post-parental period steadily continues.

Research hypothesis In the course of practical work, an analysis was carried out of the psychological state of men and women during the midlife crisis. The purpose of the work was to show that the characteristics of their psychological state correspond to the crisis situation characteristic of a given age and to identify gender characteristics of the course of the crisis. Work objectives: Based on Sheehy’s 4 crisis criteria...

This problem from all sides: emotional, career, male, female, pharmaceutical, psychoanalytic, physiological, philosophical. The answers of my “foreign friends” began with the words: “My midlife crisis came and consisted of this.” That is, it definitely came and was definitely concluded, but how could it be otherwise! Czech Republic. Resort Luhacovice. Art therapy workshop "Theory and...

They called it “acme”, which meant the pinnacle, the highest degree of something, the moment of greatest flowering of the human personality. Chapter II. Study of the dependence of changes in cognitive abilities in middle age on the specifics of professional activity We conducted a study of 15 middle-aged people, the purpose of which was to study the dependence of the level of cognitive abilities in...

He can justify it in different ways. For example, he may reproach himself for insufficiently good care or little attention to the deceased parent, etc. The occurrence of a serious psychosomatic illness becomes possible. 5. Age-related crises of adulthood crisis of thirty years In the middle of the period of early adulthood (about thirty years old), a person experiences a crisis state, a certain turning point in...

Is it dangerous to fall in love as an adult? What does this mean? What good will this do?

Feelings of age do not have, therefore inYou can fall in love both at 10 and at 50. And what is love like in adulthood: is it the same feeling as in youth, or is there a difference? What dangers await people who unexpectedly fall in love? And what is the difference between love, ripe as a ripe berry, and young love, like a spring flower?

Still dangerous for men, am I, a woman of “Balzac’s age”?

As long as children live with us, we, especially women, do not feel separate from them and do not feel lonely. But time moves steadily forward, children grow up, and we begin to notice: they actually already have their own lives. And when our children leave us, along with the feeling of freedom comes a feeling of loneliness.

Often in adulthood, women who remain single already remain in this status. Of course, for the most part they are not against meeting a worthy man, it’s just that finding your soulmate is already becoming unrealistic. In this age group, the search for a partner is very small.

But still, for active people who need to feel not a state of peace, but emotions, in order to feel that they are living, it is necessary to make efforts in this direction. And then something will definitely work out, but life will show what it is - maybe good, or maybe not so good.

Love is a push, not an old man's dream

In the so-called maturity, a person has seen everything in his life, as they say, he has profited. Therefore, there is no longer that sharpness or that excitement to embark on adventures. Does age matter? Maybe yes, only around us there are extinct young people, and there are old people with burning eyes.

When a mature person has enough energy for several young people, it is very possible for such people to fall in love at this age, just like at any other age. After all, none of us knows when this metamorphosis called love will happen. And when this happens, no matter how old it is, this nuclear reactor will still get hot!

If you love more than in your youth

In our youth, passion replaces love for us, it makes our heads spin, we close our eyes to many things, and we don’t notice little things. We are simply floating on the waves of surging feelings.

In maturity, we look at everything more calmly, more wisely, more intelligently. From a height of age, everything is seen more clearly, it is understood why stupid mistakes were made in youth.

People over 40 today are efficient and active men and women. And they love, no different from young people, simply with acquired experience, wisdom, restraint and secrecy. But it’s not that their feelings have dulled, it’s just that their life path has changed.

During this period of life, we accept a loved one with all his problems and shortcomings - tolerance appears, which was absent in youth. Only with age comes the realization that in love you need to be able to forgive.

Love gives passion to a hooligan in love

New love at this interesting age returns a person to the feeling of youth: he seems to be soaring in the skies and sees the world around him in bright colors. Everything around becomes more beautiful, and a feeling of joy lives in the soul. I want to forget about the past, constantly be close to my loved one, and walk hand in hand through life together.

There is a desire to start life anew, to leave behind loneliness and negative experiences, to get a relationship at an older age. But still, in addition to feelings, mature people need confidence in their partner; they want to have some kind of guarantee of the reliability of the relationship.

Based on the years they have lived, they realize that in addition to joy, there are certain obligations for a relationship in a couple. To maintain love, mutual respect andability to find compromises. Perhaps this is why older people rarely dare to look for a couple, because they understand that to love means to share both sadness and joy.

And this is in old age!

And if two mature people decide to unite their lives, then later marriages are more stable. Because people soberly evaluate their partner, know themselves better and can imagine their own reactions to some actions. In adulthood, there is motivation specifically to create a family.

And this means supporting each other in difficult times, helping each other in grief and illness. And even, no matter how sad it is to mention it, watch a person pass away from life, gradually fading away.

Fear of love and relationships in adulthood also arises in cases where the chosen one has minor children. After all, when entering into such an alliance, you will have to take responsibility for them.

Our grandparents, our parents, and partly ourselves, grew up in conditions where love in adulthood was condemned by society. Therefore, older people either diligently suppressed their feelings or hid them.

Hence the unhappy families with spouses who do not love each other, who do not divorce in order to avoid the condemnation of society. It didn't make anyone happier. Neither the grandparents themselves, nor their grandchildren and children. So where did the taboo on relationships in adulthood come from in our society and how should it be?

Reasons for the negative attitude towards love in older people

This is how it happened historically. Just 100 years ago, a 40-year-old person was considered a decrepit old man. Considering the level of medicine at that time, there were reasons for this. In the 19th century, the average life expectancy in most countries that we now consider economically developed was less than 40 years. And in the 18th century – 25-33 years. It is not surprising that our grandmothers considered love in old age to be an senile eccentricity. After all, their parents and grandfathers were decrepit old people by the age of 50-60, and more often they simply did not live to that age.

Legends about the heroic health of that generation are based on misconceptions, i.e. incorrect interpretation of facts. The old-timers were truly distinguished by their health. The reason for this is natural selection. Everyone who had illnesses died early because there was no adequate treatment. And there were very few healthy old people.

In this regard, young people have both a share of arrogance and a touch of selfishness. There is only truth. Of course, everything is individual. Each person has his own inner age. Some people retire early, while others retain the ability to love a woman/man into old age.

Love in adulthood: what experts say

Children grow up, and parents often find themselves alone. Rare communication and activities with grandchildren do not help. A typical story: a lady nearing retirement age went to the doctor with complaints of feeling unwell: weakness, depression, low blood pressure and headache. The doctor recommended falling in love and having an affair. Yes, yes, exactly a novel. This is where the stupor occurs.

People in love feel happy, and happiness does not cause depression. Of course, not all diseases can be cured by love. But in some cases it helps. It helped our heroine too. The lifestyle has changed. My health has changed.

If before she came home from work tired and tried to force herself to do household chores, every now and then putting off work and sitting down to rest. Now, at the end of the working day, she ran to the salon to get a new haircut, styling, and manicure. In a hurry, I ran into the store to buy myself a new bright blouse. And at home, household chores were carried out quickly and energetically. What could not be done before the date was postponed until later without any regrets. Trying on a new blouse in front of the mirror, she casually threw back things that had suddenly fallen out of the closet and was not at all embarrassed by the slight disorder of the house. Of course, with this lifestyle, the pressure returned to normal, depression and headaches disappeared.

This story also has a scientific explanation.

People in love produce a large amount of endorphins in their bodies. They are often called “pleasure hormones.” These are compounds that are very similar in their action to narcotic substances. Therefore, there is no better cure for depression than love. Especially mature love, devoid of youthful passions, excess of illusions and, as a result, disappointments.

However, love at an older age is also not always rosy. Experienced people also make mistakes, suffer, and are disappointed, but less often, and they bear it much calmer.

How does love in old age differ from youthful feelings?

Research shows that people who enter into relationships as adults are much less likely to get divorced.

The strength of these unions can be explained by experience, which allows one to choose the right partner, and wisdom, which makes it possible to avoid quarrels.

The motivation to have a loved one is important. The ability to lend a shoulder in difficult moments. In addition, relationships in adulthood are usually devoid of psychological games and competition, which most often destroy modern young families.

Is love always cloudless in older age?

Despite many obvious advantages, a mature couple also has weaknesses.

Often love in adulthood is more an experience than feelings

Intrenched views of the world, experience, previous grievances and fears associated with former partners, stereotypes and the idea of ​​“how it should be” among partners in a mature couple can inevitably bring the flared romance to “no”.

Adults, for all their wisdom, are not very flexible. They usually have children from previous marriages. Not only small, but also adult daughters and sons always find it difficult to bear the fact that their father or mother has a new family.

Even in American realities, the love of older people is often broken into fragments due to the impossibility of uniting 2 different families into 1. And in Russian conditions, financial problems are mixed with psychological problems. Parents who met their person in their later years and fell in love with him painfully make a choice between a new family and the previous one. The need to choose often falls to a man:

• If he takes care of his beloved’s children, he often does not have enough time and resources for his own.
• If he gives preference to his own children, then problems arise in the new family, since it is impossible to live together and not share the burdens with each other.

Such relationships often collapse when they fail to stand the test. Moreover, a man who is “torn” into 2 parts usually understands that his beloved’s children will never perceive him in the same way as his own. This means that in this dilemma he will give up the right to love.

In such a situation it is difficult to give advice. Because everyone must make their own choice. But most often, people who were able to maintain love choose a relationship without marriage and a common home. It's sad, but even adult and self-sufficient couples are not always free to choose.

On Valentine's Day, congratulations on Valentine's Day (and on other days) are entitled to be received not only by young people, but also by those who are captured by love in adulthood. They can love no less passionately than young people, and perhaps even more than when they were young. If that sounds like a statement, you can assume it is. Movies and television rarely depict older couples in the throes of passion. But when this happens, why do you think they are so good at it? Years of practice take their toll.

Love, old age and cinema

In our cinema, only the film “Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears” by V. Menshov can lay claim to the real history of human relations between people in adulthood. Abroad, classic love stories (such as "Gone with the Wind") still rank first in all ratings and polls.

Sergei Mokritsky’s film “The Four Ages of Love,” released in 2010, shows the relationship between mature and mature people. But the film is shot with a cold heart, art-house cinema crawls out of all the cracks and makes you watch it detached, the truth of life disappears into these same cracks.

Otherwise, what we see every day on the body and movie screens is testosterone flowing like a fountain, and this is not bad, it just bears little resemblance to what happens in real life.

Four ages of love

Daily life, endowing us with experience, gradually changes us, sometimes doing it so quickly that we do not have time to notice how the four ages of love pass. Youth flies by quickly, leaving a scar on the heart from first love; categorical youth passes with its motto: “All or nothing!” Prudent maturity sets in, and then old age creeps up very quietly and unnoticed in soft slippers. We cannot return our youth, we should not even wish for it. There is no way to change anything, there are only memories or regrets of what was or should have been. The past has led us to the present, to the fruits that we enjoy: help, care and love.

In one's declining years, romance does not disappear from life; it simply narrows one's horizons, looking at life realistically. Remembering the path you have traveled, your four ages of love, you understand that every time you love, you lose a part of yourself, gaining something from another person. It's almost like a lizard's tail that grows back. It's about the soul. Every love experience teaches us, revealing new facets and shades of love until we learn the lesson and discover this new thing in ourselves.

Love is not on the ruins of life, but on a high level

It takes a certain courage to open up to a new feeling, it makes us vulnerable, we must trust another person, let him into our world and home. Especially if love comes in old age. No one can guarantee happiness and a better life. We are guests in this life, we can only strive to live the time allotted to us as happily as possible.

When you smell roses or receive them as a gift, do not forget that they have thorns, and when you look at the young ones, do not forget how many years it took you to learn to love and enjoy life. Look at the world with young eyes for as long as possible. You may not get younger, but you can still enjoy life with your partner and be happy with your life together.

It is impossible to theoretically describe a feeling, so they talk about it in poetry and novels. No matter how much psychologists tried to study the power of love, they were not completely able to do this. People often talk about late love. What it is? Why does she appear and how strong are the feelings?

It is important to understand that late love does not have a specific age; it applies not only to people who are over 50 years old. A person can experience a strong feeling for the first time after 30 years, and before that he was not even aware of it. Many people laugh: “What kind of love can there be in adulthood, is it only for young people?” You’re wrong, it’s not for nothing that they say: "Love for all ages". On the contrary, people at a conscious age can love brightly and strongly, and at the same time they become noticeably younger.

Empty nest syndrome

Often at 40 or 50 years old, a single woman or man experiences a new stage of life when their student child leaves to study, and then gets married and works. The period is very difficult because you have to live again. Until recently, the house was full of children's screams and fun, but the years flew by, the child became an adult, left his native nest, and you were left alone. It was during this period that many women and men meet each other.

In adulthood it is extremely stressful. Although, on the other hand, some do not dare to enter into a new relationship; they think that there can no longer be love.

There are situations when, after children grow up, spouses become complete strangers. Why? This is easy to explain - there were no strong feelings, and the marriage was built on common interests - raising children. Here it is quite difficult, because both suffer, they begin to quarrel, conflict, poison each other’s lives, but they do not divorce, believing that they have lived too much together.

Attitude of free people

It’s also hard for those who are used to being alone all their lives - divorced, widowed. It would seem that there is no need to solve any problems with divorce, why not create new ones? Everything is very complicated here! A person feels so unnecessary that he does not believe in feelings. Or he simply doesn’t want to condemn himself to a relationship. There is a group of people who remain faithful to their ex-partner all their lives: “There will never be anyone like him again!”

It is much easier for those who are not traumatized by marriage, do not idealize their past relationships, and are ready to start living again. But a feeling of love does not always appear here; there may simply be a “convenient and comfortable” union. Someone is afraid of loneliness, people with a hedonistic orientation simply want someone to take care of them. Pairs are often created. For example, a man with autophobia and a hedonistic woman.

There are, of course, exceptions when people after 30 years fall so in love with each other that they could not even imagine how they lived before. Here the feeling is not only emotional, as at 18 years old, but real. Over the years, a baggage of wisdom is accumulated, a person acquires communication skills and will do his best to maintain relationships, and not destroy them.

Sex and the fear of death

The most difficult period in life is late adulthood. When a person begins to think about his life, he analyzes everything that happened and takes stock. Some, in order to get rid of unpleasant feelings, choose young partners to engage in. It happens that people with age differences fall in love with each other and love gives a chance for a new life. Therefore, late feelings are real gold, which eliminates negativity and improves the quality of life and health. A person becomes younger not only physically, but spiritually.

Why is the late one often the last love?

A mature person will make every effort not to lose his other half, whom he truly cares about. Here it is important to understand that it is not only sex that connects people, but common interests, feelings, business, hobbies. It’s great when people start relaxing together, traveling, not thinking about problems, and if they arise, they calmly solve them together.

People who know life try to work on their feelings every day, treat them with care, care for them like a flower.

We note that a woman at any age needs love, even if she is far from 20. In the subconscious of the fair half there is a feeling - to be desired, always loved. It often happens that a woman devotes her entire life to children, but does not experience emotions in marriage. And then, when the children grow up, the woman has a chance for a new, beautiful, fabulous life.

Of course, controversial thoughts will arise:

• Live as you are, so as not to hurt anyone with your changes.
• Plunge into the “sea of ​​love”, real feelings, feel desired, young, beautiful again.

Later feelings are stronger, what is the reason?

Psychologists are sure that late love is deep. Two people make efforts to avoid the mistakes of previous relationships and to find mutual understanding. It is especially interesting for two creative, talented people. They begin to discover something new in everyone’s character, enjoy every moment, and appreciate the moments they spend together.

It is quite difficult to judge high feelings. Nobody knows what awaits him tomorrow. A person can live a calm, measured life, but suddenly someone bursts into life who radically changes everything. At the same time, age does not matter here! On the contrary, the later everything happens, the more real, stronger and more thoughtful it is. In youth, everyone falls in love because hormones are raging and you want to “move mountains.” And in adulthood, love is built on respect, trust, understanding, and other moral values.

Is late love a test of age or a real gift of fate? Everyone will have their own opinion. She can only answer when she actually meets a person who will completely change her whole life and give her wonderful, unearthly feelings. If you are lucky and bright feelings arise in your soul, do not lose them. Trying your best to keep love is a gift that, unfortunately, many people do not experience.