Hello! I have been gathering the courage for a long time to consult with specialists about my problem. The fact is that from early childhood I have had serious problems in my relationship with my mother. To begin with, our family was quite prosperous. We never lived poor. The house was in order and beautifully renovated. I didn’t need anything. A good school, beautiful clothes, a lot of toys. At first my mother was very involved with me. She taught me to read and draw. She tried to show me only good and instructive cartoons. Years before 5 everything was perfect. And then I realized, judging by the scandals and terrible scenes in our house, that mom and dad were having a rift in their relationship. I saw my mom throwing a drunken tantrum while she was drinking. I was scared. I started having nightmares. Then I started having nightmares. began to raise their hand and not only their hand... dad and mom. Both. And with particular cruelty. I was 7 years old when my dad hit his head on mine on purpose. He just came up and hit me. My mother beat me with a thick belt and pulled out my hair. Over time, this became normal in our family. I am not a timid person, so I tried to stand up for myself as best I could. I hid so as not to be beaten, cried a lot. I tried a hundred times to have a heart-to-heart talk with my mother. But it was all in vain. She could control herself hands only for a while. Then we moved to live in another country. My grandmother was dying, and my mother looked after her. She lived in another city. And I lived with my dad for almost six months. But my dad had a mistress. He was busy with her. And I was All alone. In a strange city. No acquaintances. Dad was not at home all the time. It was a difficult time on the one hand, but on the other, no one touched or beat me. At that time I was studying and did not go out at all. Because I was scared. I I was a very insecure teenage girl. Then my mother came to us. My dad was torn. At home again, the scandals were just wild. With beatings and threats from my mother that she would commit suicide. I was just scared! That one day it will actually happen!

At the age of 17, I began to communicate with my future husband. But at first, uncertainty really bothered me. I didn’t have a very high opinion of my appearance. Because my mother called me fat-ass all the time. The last scene from my life with my parents was the last point. They both They were hungover. They asked me to go to the store for beer, but I refused. Because I was tired. I can’t stand my parents in this state. Whether I did something bad or good, I don’t care. I simply could not communicate with them. I was scared and even sick. Both parents, in front of their very decent friends, threw me onto the sofa. Mom hit me on the head, and dad kicked me... Then a miracle happened in my life. My beloved proposed to me and I agreed. He lived in Europe, and so I went after him. But it so happened that before I left it was just my birthday. Mom had a fight with me because I didn’t wash the dishes. And she and dad didn’t talk to me all my birthday. Dad came and threw me a banknote in my face, saying it was my gift. I didn’t take it. I got ready and went with my friends to a restaurant. Then I finally left. But I still hoped that at a distance my relationship with my dad and mom would improve at least a little. At first, yes. It was better. I even decided to go visit them myself. Everything was fine. But now again my mother started quarreling with me, and then didn’t talk for weeks. And dad, as always, is on mom’s side. Tell me if we have a chance to ever mend our relationship? And what should I do for this? And what am I doing wrong?

Hello! I really hope to receive your advice, since my current life situation does not give me peace day or night. I am 23 years old. My boyfriend is 28 years old. We are planning to move together from Belarus to St. Petersburg. We've been dating for a year now. He recently started working in St. Petersburg. I won’t tell you the whole love story, I’ll just say the most important thing: I love and trust this person very much, as I trust myself. At the moment I am finishing my studies at the institute and will receive my diploma in a month. The whole problem is that I have a very difficult relationship with my mother. This is not my first civil marriage. Then my mother cried for a very long time and became hysterical when I moved out. But I lived in my city... Mom is an incredibly stubborn, emotional and conflict-ridden person. When I tell her that I’m leaving my current job (my reasons), she loudly declares “no!” and for a week he reads morals to me: the job is good, you won’t find one like it anymore, you’ll work for a small salary. Remembering my childhood, I understand that I am a terribly insecure person, often unable to make any serious decisions on my own. Mom always decided everything: can I go to hobby groups (I can neither knit nor play sports), what I should eat (she forced me to eat), what to wear (if I liked something, but she didn’t - she will never buy this thing), who to study (an unloved profession and eight years wasted studying it). She can easily swear at me with choice obscenities, so much so that I sometimes cry from resentment. She believes that everything she read in the newspapers is true, and that my knowledge is childish babble. I was fat at school. A lot of my peers bullied me. All because I could never answer properly or fight back. The result is obvious - a lifelong complex about my body (although I’m not fat now). I wasn't a difficult child. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, there have only been two men in my life, and only after I was 18. I treat all people with tolerance, respect, and I don’t allow myself to offend anyone, much less say swear words. My friends and loved ones say that I am a good person. I cannot respond to rudeness and injustice. I endure it in silence, and then I cry and tell everything... to my mother... And my mother says - be patient, be silent, ignore... And now... I’m afraid to tell my mother about the move. And, it seems to me, I’m not only afraid of a scandal, but I also feel sorry for her... It’s so sad that my heart clench... I’m afraid of hurting her, I’m afraid of her resentment towards me and constant reproaches that I’m doing everything wrong . Most likely she will tell me that he should come to me, and not I to him, if I so want to be with him. I understand that now I’m going to go against her anyway, and this makes me feel bad... I’m starting to suffer from insomnia and uncertainty that I’m doing the right thing.... Feeling guilty for not listening to my mother and I do it my way.... My nerves are getting worse.... No, I don’t make scandals.... I just start crying quietly into the pillow. I shared my thoughts with my loved one. He told me that I decide how I should live, not my mother, and I need to fight this feeling of guilt within myself, because then I will hate my mother for the rest of my life. I understand the essence of my problem, but I can’t pull myself together and not succumb to my mother’s manipulations.... I’m very scared of losing my loved one because I choose my mother’s opinion. No, he won’t leave me if I change my mind, but I’m sure that his respect for me as a person will evaporate... In recent years, I’ve been sitting behind a locked door in my room. This is how I try to protect myself from my mother’s negativity. But this doesn’t help, on the contrary, it makes me think even more that I’m a bad daughter. I have to talk to her when she wants, and if she calls me and I’m busy at the time, which I report, I become a selfish bastard... Yes, there are glimpses of my “I” when I still do the wrong thing, as she wants. But I think it became clear to you what happens next... I would be grateful to you for reading my story. Perhaps your advice regarding the above will make me feel better. Thank you for your attention!

For some reason, the relationship between two close people becomes strained. It seems that representatives of two generations are ceasing not only to understand, but to hear each other. Almost every family has encountered a similar picture: the relationship between an adult daughter and mother is marred by constant quarrels.

What are the reasons for the discord?

To find a solution, you need to understand the cause. Psychologists assure that it is impossible to choose a universal method that allows you to take into account all the nuances of family relationships.

However, more often than not, daughters do not show a desire to understand their mother, and women of the older generation do not try to look at the world from the point of view of youth.

What are the main reasons for cracks in your relationship with your mother? Let's look at the most common of them:

• Usually, the relationship with the mother begins to deteriorate when the girl enters adolescence. It seems to the daughter that she has already become an adult, but her mother continues to see her as an unreasonable baby. Therefore, he continues to try to control her every step. As a sign of protest, the child escalates the conflict;
• The cause of misunderstanding can be different life values. What is fundamental for a child is often simply inaccessible to the perception of an adult. In turn, young people make no attempt to understand what is most important in the lives of their parents;
• A difficult relationship with her mother is possible if she was unable to realize her own plans and thinks that her life would have been different if she had chosen a different path at one time. Now, through her daughter, the woman is trying to make her personal dreams come true. By the way, a similar problem is often observed from the very childhood of a child, when parents force him to study music, drawing, martial arts, etc. Over time, most children protest by refusing to attend classes that do not interest them;
• Modern psychology assures us that one of the common causes of conflict is a lack of praise. From childhood, ideal behavior and excellent grades were demanded from the child. All the daughter’s efforts were taken for granted. Growing up, the girl realizes that she is underestimated, and at a certain moment she may simply “break down” in spite of her mother, who was never in a hurry to praise her.

The relationship with the mother does not work out, since she considers it her duty and right to raise the child, no matter what age he reaches. When a girl has her own family, she will begin to understand her mother's behavior to a greater extent. But until then, care seems unnecessary and ridiculous.

Of course, it will be possible to make life peaceful only if both sides are ready to make concessions. To do this, it doesn’t hurt to sit down at the negotiating table and calmly listen to the accusations of the other side and put forward your own.

Then figure out what exactly caused the misunderstanding and try to resolve the relationship before it finally reaches a dead end. However, often all attempts at peaceful negotiations lead to a new wave of scandals.

In this case, the best solution would be to contact a psychologist. Unfortunately, the Russian family is not yet accustomed to bringing problems to the attention of an outsider and considers psychology to be fun.

If the girl is already an independent person with a stable income, the best solution would be to move away from her parents’ nest. Such a step will allow the mother to realize that her child has really grown up and does not need constant care.

In this case, the bad relationship with your mother will gradually fade away, since meetings between relatives will occur much less frequently. The girl will begin to feel like she is the master of her life, and will not be so negative about her mother’s advice.

It is recommended to constantly ask your parents for advice. It doesn’t matter whether an adult daughter or a teenager will consult her mother on issues of cooking borscht, cleaning the room, the meaning of a movie watched or a book read. Seeing that her daughter trusts her opinion, the mother will be confident that she has the situation under control and her girl is growing up smart enough not to do anything stupid.

Problems in your relationship with your mother can be eliminated by showing reciprocal care. For example, during a walk, call and ask whether or not she needs to buy something in the store, how she feels. Living separately from her parents, it is advisable for a girl to visit them more often, bringing small but cute gifts. Mom will begin to be proud of the care that her adult daughter shows, and the relationship between the two generations will definitely change for the better.

Often the only way to prove to the mother that the girl is an adult is for the daughter to realize that her manner of behavior is practically no different from the manner of a child. An adult takes deliberate actions and does not depend on momentary whims. Therefore, it is worth assessing your own behavior and figuring out whether the cause of conflicts is adult behavior or a child’s “I want”?

From general to specific

However, it is worth noting that the psychology of relationships with a mother is individual and general advice can only push a person in the right direction. Conflicts will have to be resolved based on the prerequisites and complexity of the situation.

For example, often a mother does not allow her child to live separately, because at the slightest mention of a change of place of residence she begins to have a heart attack.

Olga Korikova

Hello! I have a difficult relationship with my mother.
I am in a strong psychological dependence on my mother. In this regard, it is difficult for me to make decisions, to do something, I am lonely.

Olga Korikova

Hello, Ekaterina Krupetskaya! I came to this forum for the first time, because I really need help, advice from participants and psychologists, just people! Before, I was occasionally interested in the advice of psychologists, I read messages on various forums. Even 10-15 years ago, due to troubles in communication and relationships with people, I went to a psychologist, I needed advice. But more often I read various literature, including psychology. I wanted to limit myself to reading today too. But it's difficult for me now. I need support. Although I try to decide everything myself (what is within my power and capabilities).

It seemed to me that, to some extent, I could look at situations from a psychological point of view.
But... It's easier to give advice than to find yourself in a difficult situation.

I'll tell you about my problem. Since childhood, I lived in a rather complex family. With mother, grandmother and brother.
Because my mother’s life with my father was unbearably difficult, she returned to her mother and took us - me and my brother - with her. My childhood was very difficult. My grandmother didn’t like me, she bullied me, she put me under moral pressure (I often stayed at home with my grandmother as a child, because my mother went to work). My grandmother kept me in the highest tension, fear and obedience (although I did not understand this). She constantly, almost every day (with or without me) complained to my mother about me, my “disgusting character, laziness, selfishness, bad heredity (she said that I looked like my father), etc.” Although it was all a lie, everything that my grandmother said about me. I was a very open, kind, naive and vulnerable child.
I am not happy to remember this... Vice, prison, indifference - this is what my grandmother’s outwardly benevolent attitude towards me was like. What can I say if she didn’t love me so much that she dreamed that I would go to live with my father and often said this out loud...

My mother, unlike my grandmother, treated me completely differently... Mad Love, Adoration?
Very strong attachment? Even jealousy? A pity? It’s hard to say what my mother felt and feels for me... All this, all these feelings are there. And I treasure that, no doubt. But together with Love, my mother terribly, just pressed me hard and is pressing me! She lived and lives my life. She didn’t let me do anything since childhood, she made decisions for me. The slightest resistance on my part was met not only coldly by my mother, but often made scandals for me and in these scandals she “threw mud at me,” humiliated me, and again and again blamed me, reproached me and listed all my vices and shortcomings! And a day later - again affection and “lisping”, as with a little girl... And I was both 20 and 25 years old... Adoration and benevolence, and, quite possibly, after 2, 3 minutes coldness and even anger... then a scandal ... I lived with her “like on a powder keg,” absolutely not understanding what my mother would do or say in the next second...

I’m lonely, young, but I don’t have any friends or girlfriends... I don’t have and never had a personal life...

Olga Korikova, there are many feelings in your story, ambiguous and painful. I understand it's not easy to remember. Can you tell us a little about life today? How old are you? Do you still live with your mother? Is grandma alive? What is your relationship like with your brother?

Who are you by education and profession? Are you working? Do you provide for yourself financially? Do you have friends? How do you prefer to relax? What are your hobbies?

Olga Korikova

I am 36 years old. By education I am a technician - technologist (secondary technical) and a personnel manager (higher).
But I don't like it.

By the will of my relatives (my grandmother suggested) I entered at the age of 16 and studied at the assembly college (I hated it), by the will of my mother, against my will (there was a scandal again) at the age of 26 I entered the Institute of Management, Economics and Business (his hated me even more), even tried to transfer to another institute... in vain...

I was born and lived in a poor family. And even with people who “pray” for their beliefs! Conversation on the topic “Poor means an honest person, etc.” my grandmother led me every day, literally driving this position into us - me and my mother. Mom was also lonely and completely dependent on her grandmother (just some kind of moral slavery). Grandmother lived not so much her own life as the life of her mother - she constantly taught, gave advice, pressed... My mother behaves exactly the same way towards me. How painfully difficult this is...

Get a special job. It didn’t work out (and I didn’t want it), and so I worked wherever I had to.
The difficult conditions of the places where I worked for 15 years took away a lot, a lot of strength and health, I began to get sick a lot and often, I was often on sick leave...

I lived with my mother and grandmother and brother (who never loved me), studied, and worked. There were no friends or girlfriends. I had short relationships with people that quickly broke down and I was alone again.
I had and still have a very difficult, strained relationship with my brother... We don’t really have a relationship. And, however, I also feel dependent on him - I feel his dissatisfaction towards me (as if I always owe him something and owe him something)

I prayed to God to at least somehow live separately from my mother, because from the horror of living together, from the total, heavy control, demands and supervision, I almost “went crazy”... It so happened, circumstances developed that Mom temporarily moved to live in another city, and I live in another... My God, she again demands that I sell the apartment here as soon as possible and move to live with her forever!
Constant demands from her, always talking about moving, etc.

Lately I’ve been going to the Clinic for treatment (because I’ve had heart problems since childhood (mitral valve prolapse + added headaches (headache, worsened vision, etc.)) + the opportunity to just relax in another city, new experiences. .. Getting ready for a trip is a big problem for me. I am alone, in poor health, I get tired quickly, and talking on the phone with my mother is depressing, overwhelming (talks about my unsettlement, about the need to move in with her, about poverty, etc. ) I just “give up" and don’t want to do anything. I cry all the time... I try to hold on, but it’s difficult for me.

Grandmother passed away in 2008. I thought that nightmare, that anger, that hatred was behind me... But my mother no less poisons and terrorizes me with her heavy guardianship...

I'm not working right now. I haven't worked since 2014. My last job was in a government organization (something like the police), I was not certified. But it was very difficult for me there. Bullying of colleagues, misunderstanding and + just a very difficult, tense atmosphere in the organization itself... Finding a job in a provincial city is very difficult. If there are no connections, etc. All this depresses me. + loneliness...

Olga Korikova, it’s clear that you are in a difficult state inside, there is some kind of hopelessness in your story. If you haven't worked for about two years, how do you live?

Does your brother also depend on your mother or does he have his own life? Is he married and does he have children? Where does he live?

Is your mother still working or not? Does she have a personal life? Do you know anything about your father? Did you communicate with him as an adult?

Olga Korikova

Ekaterina, I will try to answer.

About hopelessness in life, you are right. Since childhood, due to difficult relationships in the family, I often did not want to live... Also, due to the lack of vitality, illness, weakness, complexes and inability to do something, it was also very difficult for me then and now, sometimes not I wanted to live...

This state inside has always been there now. But this is, as it were, just a part of my inner state... Because I love life very much, full of joy and optimism, the desire to act, discover new things, meet people, be loved, discover my creative potential, etc. That’s how it was Always. This seems contradictory only at first glance.

I would also like to gain financial independence from my mother. In general, I would like to get out of poverty and a lonely state...

As for my father, our relationship with him, this is a separate topic. Believe me, sometimes I can’t believe that I am the daughter of such a person... My mother’s life with this person (she was married for 8 years) was unbearable! My father is a very simple, primitive, narrow-minded person. He never physically did anything around the house, mom did everything, he just used her as property. Weak and indecisive, selfish and a consumer - he stole money from his mother, lost his mother's money at cards, demanded more and more... He oppressed her into sex. plan - even showed violence. She was disgusted to be with him in this regard (and in all other plans of life, everyday life, etc.), but she endured, obeyed and was afraid of him... The last years of her marriage to him began to threaten her health and life and also her life children... He even made several attempts to get rid of us - mother and his children - once he turned on all the gas stoves without lighting the fire, tightly closed all the windows and doors and... went outside and waited for us to suffocate.. Scandals and threats, showdowns were constant, he even beat his mother (even when she was pregnant) and constantly demanded money, food and sex!
This is not a person - it is rather a disgusting animal or plant, some kind of slug, or a leech that attaches itself to someone and uses... It’s embarrassing to say, but I will say... When I was a 2-4 year old baby he (when Mom wasn’t at home or she didn’t see) he took off his panties, touched his place and let me, his daughter, play with “his toy,” as he said...

My mother lived with my father for 8 years... At the age of 6, my mother (she divorced) and my brother went to live with my grandmother (my mother’s mother)... I have already told a little about the hell that my life with my grandmother was.. From the age of 6, thank God, I never saw my father again, but I suffered painfully from the lack of male paternal affection (just not this “father”)...

My brother has a family. Wife and son. They live separately from us... But from them one can feel (even at a distance) anger and demands and claims towards us - towards me and my mother... Everyone should always... to these people...

Mom works and receives a pension. I live on this pension and + some savings (in the bank). I barely have enough to live on, I try to limit myself in everything... And it’s painful...

Mom does not and never had a personal life. And no friends. She is now “into the rapport” of religion, forcing religious literature on me, asking me to go to church, again putting pressure, teaching and hearing only herself...

It’s just difficult for me to figure this out without help... My Soul hurts from this strong addiction and mental suffering...

As I understand, you are a thinking person, you strive to understand yourself, for example, with the help of books and articles on psychology. What advice would you give to yourself based on what you understand and know about your situation?

You emphasize that you consider the main problem to be your mother’s persistent, if not obsessive, attention to you and her overprotection. At the same time, you write that you have a number of serious illnesses, do not work and do not see any opportunities to get a job - both because the small town does not provide opportunities for this and due to health problems. You live on your mother's pension. How, in your mother’s place, would it be possible to leave you, as it seems to you, taking into account the fact that you are sick and are not able to take care of yourself in a material sense? How would you see the resolution of this contradiction?

Did I hear correctly that the overall topic of relationships is very important for you? From what you wrote, it is clear that you did not have satisfying relationships with all the people who were significant to you since childhood (mother, grandmother, brother, father) and with all the other people from your outer circle. What do you yourself, taking into account your knowledge in the field of psychology, think on this issue?

Olga Korikova

Good morning, Ekaterina! Thank you for being with me.

I will try to explain, as far as possible, what my aspirations and desires are, what I expect and what I myself think about this. And about what torments me so much, torments me, worries me...

When I was 18 years old, I turned to a male psychologist due to serious troubles in my relationship with a young man. The fact is that he put pressure and humiliated me morally, especially in front of my classmates. I was afraid to go to technical school because he pestered me almost every day. We had sexual contact (he gave me a sexually transmitted infection), and then his sexual advances became constant and often in full view of everyone...
I turned to a psychologist... He helped me to some extent. But rather in complacency, rather than in solving the problem. I had to resort (on the advice of a friend) to the help of the police (I wrote a statement against him to the prosecutor's office, they forwarded the statement to the police)... After the policeman talked with him, this guy, the attacks on me stopped...

What advice could I give to myself? I have already given it to myself - I decided to turn to a psychologist through the forum, because I believe and am convinced that you cannot run from wise advice, from those thoughts, from the vision of the situation that an experienced and qualified psychologist has, because the problem mine lies precisely in the field or space of psychology... Your advice and questions, Ekaterina, are very interesting to me, because you see everything from a different point of view. I spoke in my message about problems with my mother, and you suddenly asked me about my father, I was even somehow surprised and confused, because I myself had not thought about it at all...

This is not at all about the fact that I want to leave completely or break off relations with my mother, because her support, both moral and material, is absolutely necessary for me, because I am completely alone. I am by no means refusing to support her. And I don’t want to leave her and not support her myself! No! This is a very close and dear person to me. The point is that since childhood, and then getting worse and worse, I have been and have been in a strong, painful, oppressive dependence on my mother. She is also dependent on me, because she has been lonely all her life and she herself was in such a heavy, unbearable dependence on her mother.

I want to learn, try to distance myself from my mother. But I don't know how to do it. I am looking for protection from this constant unrelenting pressure of her on me and I would like not to put pressure on her either. We have somehow become too close, it bothers me when my mother gets into my Soul, teaches me, and does not allow me to live on my own... I physically cannot do anything around the house (of course I do, but with excruciating difficulties), especially when we will quarrel with my mother (yesterday, we literally spoke on the phone again, she is dissatisfied, demands, claims) ...

About relationships, you are absolutely right. This topic has been very significant to me since childhood.
It’s painful to talk about this and strange, but... it’s necessary... My relationships with people didn’t work out. I was mostly alone; I did not encounter or feel any warmth or understanding (despite my openness and trust) even from my mother. I lived in fear, constant tension, haste... I (as I began to understand) was an unloved child from childhood, I accepted harsh attitudes towards me as the norm, etc. Sometimes it seems to me that I will never be loved, happy, I can’t find friends, that loneliness is my destiny, etc. I’m trying to change myself, improve myself...

Olga, how do you like the idea of ​​trying to write a short essay on the topic: “if it weren’t for my mother’s suffocating attention (influence) on me, I would...”

Let's imagine that, for example, you wake up one fine day and realize that this problem is no longer in your life. At all! At the same time, your mother has not gone anywhere, and you continue to receive support from her to the extent necessary for you, but this does not have any painful consequences. Let's imagine? Please write what feelings do you experience this morning when the problem seems to have disappeared? What you are doing? How is your day going?..

Olga Korikova

Ekaterina, it seems to me that I am a fairly strong person. But, after reading your message and suggestions, I almost burst into tears... I could barely hold back the tears that came to my eyes... I could never even seriously think about it! This is some kind of incredible, fantastic and unrealizable happiness for me!

What will I do, “if it weren’t for my mother’s suffocating attention (influence) on me, I would...”? I am so shocked and shocked that I don’t even know what to say... From birth until I was 36 years old, I lived and live in this grave condition, it became the sad norm of my life, and suddenly this will not happen... And at the same time, my mother will be in a good state of health, life and joy! My God! How I want it! How I dream!

Forgive me for this emotionality of mine, the expression of feelings, but I expected something different from you... I thought that you might ask or offer to tell me in more detail how this control and even terror of my mother is manifested, but you suddenly so calmly, without hesitation, talk about imagining a picture of life that is completely impossible for me... I am very grateful to you for this! Since I’m trying to think about such a turn and about freedom in my relationship with my mother, and this, believe me, is such a balm for the soul!

So, “if it weren’t for my mother’s suffocating attention (influence) on me, I would...”

I saw the world differently! With this, I would have gained Faith simply in freedom in relationships with people, because I didn’t have this before...

I would get up early, early in the morning (because every minute of life is precious), I would admire the sunrise, and cry from the happiness of inner freedom!.. Peace and Joy would fill my soul, dreams would carry me into the endless distance of the future! I would think about my mother, mentally wishing her happiness and good luck...
Without haste and without feeling guilty, I would prepare breakfast, and open the window in the kitchen, enjoying the singing of birds and the splendor of nature...

Because I am a self-sufficient person, I would strive for an independent image and way of life. Because it is necessary to live, eat, and dress at my own expense - I would work, and only at the job that corresponds to my desires (creative process). And therefore I would come to work, work, communicating with colleagues, but keeping a natural distance. On this day I would call my friends, and I would be pleased if they called me too. I'm not talking about long conversations (because at work this is inconvenient and impossible), but about a few minutes. and then perhaps during breaks from work.

In the evening I would like to spend time with a loved one - a man. But not every evening. I would like to spend time with friends, girlfriends in a cafe or other place. I really love to dance, sing, laugh, joke, and I would probably not be a boring person for my friends.
My God! How difficult it is to write, I don’t know what! I want freedom, travel, self-improvement, to create and realize my plans! I like creativity in different aspects - artistic, music and dance, cinema, books, theater! I write poetry, I like to understand and rise above the situation...

I probably would have cleaned the whole apartment, washed the windows and washed the curtains!

It’s a stupid desire, isn’t it, to wash the curtains? I just never washed or ironed or cleaned (my mother did everything against my will), she felt sorry for me...

And, of course, on this day and others, I would think warmly about my mother and sometimes call her, perhaps she would sometimes, and not every day, call me...

I read it myself now... it’s all some kind of sand castle... stupid dreams...

some kind of immaturity...

and it also became so painful, as if someone had torn me away from my mother, like tearing off a piece of skin and... throwing it in the trash...

Olga Korikova, what serious work you are doing on yourself now! This, in my opinion, is very healing. And the fact that after feeling freedom and experiencing this pleasant fantasy in all respects, you came with a feeling of melancholy, a feeling of abandonment, only confirms how much of a right step you took in your thoughts. Of course, the presence of even just a strong attachment to a person can be very seriously limiting, and the presence of such a long and difficult dependence - even more so.

The moments you described did not seem infantile to me - not at all. Quite the contrary, there was a feeling that the reasoning was that of an adult, free person who controls his life, knows what he wants and enjoys life. For some reason it seems to me that this part of you is very strong. Olga, tell me if you try to implement, without shelving, some of the things you wrote about. Well, for example, could you clean the apartment, wash the windows and wash the curtains? If you try to imagine that this is your first step towards freedom and the fulfillment of your desires, and not someone else’s... How do you like this idea?

Olga Korikova

Ekaterina, thank you for your support! Your opinion is very important to me!

I am glad that you did not find my dreams and desires infantile.

Because I could, and I expected rather the opposite. What, perhaps, you would tell me (as many of those around me (for example, at work) or someone I knew) said that I was “having my head in the clouds” and that’s how I am - weak and incapable of action - " mama's daughter." And that there is nothing to do with some kind of dependence on my mother, because I simply made it up (this dependence), etc., etc. Mom herself said this more than once, everyone said so, and I was just convinced, rooted in the feeling, that I am such a “rag,” a weak-willed creature, the daughter of the same weak-willed and pathetic father, etc. All my life I tried to change, looked for methods for this, read a lot of different literature, tried to overcome myself in life, situations, etc.

Regarding the first step - eg. clean the apartment, wash the windows, etc. I did it a long time ago. But it was and is painfully difficult since childhood. Now I live alone and do everything on my own, but I literally have to force myself to clean, cook, etc. Once I put things in order, put everything away, it lasts for a maximum of 2-3 days, then I stop doing anything at all, “I give up.” ", the melancholy, the burden of guilt, the state of loneliness are pressing, and in order to make it at least a little easier, I watch various funny programs and films on the Internet (in which there is love, and laughter, and friends and a person is free...), it becomes easier, and Everything around is cluttered, garbage, unwashed dishes, abandoned things...

It must be said that grandmother and mother, at the suggestion of grandmother, always maintained cleanliness and order throughout their lives, they worked constantly and very hard! And they (such a paradox), unlike me, had just a sea of ​​vitality, a lot, some kind of fire!.. You can say they “prayed for cleaning, washing, work, work and work again”... And therefore, my grandmother simply hated me - because I was weak, sickly and even infirm (because I had no vitality at all). Cleaning for me was always a painful problem, I hated cleaning, the dacha (because my mother and grandmother spent a lot of time there), and I was with them...

But they were very lonely. But my father and even my grandfather - these people did absolutely nothing around the house (their wives did everything), and they were sloppy, lazy, aggressive, cold, with big pretensions, but they still somehow communicated with friends... My father's level of development in all aspects was very low.
With horror, I see in myself his hateful traits - weakness of will and insignificance and praise of his insignificance and eternal complaints, illness, discontent, and low level of intelligence...
And at the same time, the features of a mother and, probably, a grandmother. Since childhood, I have loved cleanliness, order, comfort, beauty in everything.
And an unbridled desire for knowledge, development, improvement!

But! This is extremely difficult to implement. When I lived with my mother, she could directly say, ask, even somehow order me to do something, I agreed with difficulty, pain and internal heaviness, cleaned up or went shopping, etc. And then lay down on the sofa and lay inactive for several days. I only dreamed of leaving my mother...

It is morally difficult for me to clean up, to do anything at all, I start to rush, fuss, scold myself, even demand! I have always had and still have the feeling that inside (especially when I’m trying to do something or communicate with someone) I’m simply tied up with ropes and chains, twisted! But again and again I overcome myself, do something... after futile attempts, I stop doing anything at all and spend hours, days, or aimlessly, sadly lying on the couch or communicating with people on social media. networks (mainly by men). For some reason they write the same “freaks”, excuse me, like my father or brother... And even worse...

Olga Korikova, it seems to me that you have now, in many ways, already realized what you say that you only dream about: You live separately from your mother, no one can force you to do what you don’t want, right? You communicate with men on the Internet, so there is a chance that you want to meet one of them. Perhaps such meetings have already taken place?

What do you think would be the right next step in distancing yourself from your mom?

Olga Korikova

Ekaterina, you are undoubtedly right. To some extent, I have already realized my dreams, especially since I have been fighting and fighting for this for so many years! And I will fight! BUT! This is too much, this is very, this is insignificantly little compared to the thoughts that fill me, the desires that carry me forward!..

It is possible to compare this with the prisoner who spent his whole life in a dungeon, and he was lucky enough to breathe a little air, and perhaps a little more water... But he is tied up, and is not free from ropes and chains.
The rope or chains have probably become a little longer... But he painfully understands and feels that he is a prisoner...

It is no coincidence that I wrote that I would cry with happiness if I were free from the grip of this addiction and that I would open the windows every morning. This, as I myself understand, is an internal desire for freedom! Even now I open the window or windows, and it’s easier to breathe, but inside it’s like an anchor and an unbearable weight...

Mom told me (since I was very interested in this question) about her relationship with her mother... I asked mom why did you leave her for another city? Mom answered that she wanted freedom. That it was very hard for her from the vice, pressure, authoritarianism, and eternal unsolicited advice from her mother. I asked my mother if she had freedom in her relationship with her mother, she answered sadly and in surprise, “No! What freedom I was suffocating from control, heavy atmosphere, etc.”

It seems to me that my mother inherited this position of authoritarian behavior from her mother...

What steps am I going to take to distance myself from my mom? It's a difficult question...
But I'll try to answer it...

I think that you need to break off your previous relationship with your mother, destroy it, somehow untie it or something, because they have already completely outlived their usefulness! BUT! I find this to be a very painful and difficult process for both of us! I would like to take these steps and do so as not to force myself, not to force, not to upset and worry my already vulnerable mother. Take these steps as delicately as possible, BUT... DO IT!..

Otherwise, I don’t see the possibility of any changes...

Ekaterina, I noticed that I was too immersed in my mother’s life and allowed her to immerse herself in mine!
Perhaps, if I stop talking in detail and generally talking about my life, every day, what I ate, what hurts, what I did, who I communicate with and (!) I don’t constantly “live her life,” then this will be my step towards trying distance yourself from your mother.

I also think that you need to start SERIOUSLY, calmly and already accept independent life as a given! Although now my mother demands that I move to live with her forever! But! Not only am I not in a hurry, but I am trying to soberly, calmly, and weigh the situation. I’m putting off moving, but I’m doing everything possible (I even went to this psychological forum) to prevent this from happening. I’m trying to restructure my thoughts and views... Living together will destroy both of us! This (as I, with surprise, begin to understand) cannot be allowed!

As for communicating with men, that’s a separate issue. Fear of them... and the only thing I can do is correspond with each other (there is no talk of any meetings, I have not met any of them). And these men, they are worse than animals, forgive me, but this is so...

Olga Korikova, tell me, at what moment do you feel the strongest dependence on your mother? Can you try to describe it? While talking to her or immediately after? Or is it not related to the conversation at all? Who usually calls: you mom or she you? How is the conversation going? Does this happen daily? Who stops talking?

Question for a psychologist:

Hello! I am 26 years old. I am married and have a five-year-old daughter. I have a very difficult relationship with my mother. She gave birth to me at 38 years old. At that time, I was not married to my father, so that if something happened there would be no problems with divorce. She had a difficult divorce process from her first husband. She gave birth to me for herself, because I was already approaching age and my grandmother said that I needed to give birth so as not to be alone in old age. My father cheated on her and they separated before I was born. She did not file for child support and was considered a single mother. I have never seen my father until now. When I was 1.3, my mother went to work and until I was 7.5 I lived with my grandmother in the village. Mom visited us only on weekends. I always cried a lot when she left and waited all week for the next weekend. Mom said that she was renovating the apartment and couldn’t pick me up. When I went to school she picked me up. And from that moment on it was not the best time for me. My mother always put pressure on me for my grades; I scolded me for getting 4s and was dissatisfied; For five with a minus she said that it was possible to get five. She often snapped at me over literally nothing. Already in first grade, I knew how hard it was to kneel on salt. I knew that a narrow belt beats more painfully than a wide one. Having received a bad grade, I simply didn’t want to go home, because I knew what would happen. Then, after six months or a year, my mother began to teach me to wash dishes and clean the apartment. It was terrible. Coming home from work and seeing a clean apartment, she first praised me, but when she found the slightest flaw in the cleaning, she began to say that she had cleaned poorly. Often it came to a scandal. I did the homework myself. My mother didn’t help me, she only checked on me, and then only in elementary school. She often shouted at me. I loved reading several hour-long morals while cleaning or washing dishes, while simultaneously telling me what was wrong with my plate. I said, do it right, as I taught you. At that moment, out of fear, I didn’t know where to go. In the summer I went to my grandmother. There she helped her in the garden and around the house. Sometimes I went out with friends. I didn’t have any friends in the city - I was always studying. And there wasn’t much communication in the class either. I was withdrawn and always felt worse than everyone else. In the seventh grade, my mother said that after school we needed to go to the village to see our grandmother, since she was old and had high blood pressure. Every day after school I went to my grandmother on foot (about 3-4 km), did my homework, returned to the city in the morning and went to school, barely having time to change clothes and eat. Always like this. Mom's dissatisfaction grew with me. Gradually, she began not only to scold me and beat me, but also to insult me ​​with not the best words (cow, beast, creature). Sometimes the words were stronger. In spring and autumn, in addition to studying, I also worked in the garden. And everything had to be combined in time. But I tried my best, I understood that it was hard for my mother and she needed help. In 9th grade, my grandmother died and my life got worse. Mom began to snap at me even more often. She said that now no one will help her and will not regret it. And that I am of no use. I always said that the children help the neighbors more and everyone around is normal, but I’m like who the hell knows. My favorite expression was: “Children are a joy to everyone, but they’re disgusting to me,” “I gave birth to you so that there would be at least some help from you, and you...”. Although I helped her a lot, the neighbors always sympathized with me. I always spent all my summer holidays in the village, doing my mother’s tasks around the house and in the garden. She praised me, but only when I did everything perfectly. If I didn’t do something or did something wrong, I received it. Every day when she came home from work, everything inside me began to shrink and some kind of heat passed through my body. I always knew what would happen to me. I didn’t know why, but I knew for sure that it would hit me. We never walked anywhere with her, we were only at home or in the garden. Money was also difficult. I had practically no clothes. It happened that I wore one jacket and one pants for a whole year. She refused alimony on principle. I graduated from school with a medal and entered a prestigious university in another city. Mom was proud of it. I came home rarely, once a month. And only because it was necessary. I never wanted to come home. During the first month of my first year, everyone complained about how bad it was without my mother, but I was just fine. In my second year, I met a guy, my future husband. I only told my mom a year later. She, thank God, took it well. At the end of the 3rd year he proposed to me. At first my mother was against it and said that I needed to finish my studies. But then she still agreed. In my 4th year I became pregnant. The child was planned, not by chance. But I was in no hurry to tell my mother. Then my husband called and told his mother. At his words, my mother started yelling that she should have used condoms and all that. Then she told me how I could not tell her that she was my mother and everything like that. Then she calmed down. When the child was born, the husband was not around. He was forced to leave. My mother did not help me with the child. Even on the first day after the maternity hospital, she went to the village, since she had business there. I didn’t ask for help, I did everything myself. Then my mother made further complaints about why I didn’t come to the village and help her. She said that she would help with the child only if I moved in with her. But it was easier for me to be alone than with her under the same roof. Then my husband and I moved to another country. We called my mother once a week. But every month it became more and more difficult for me to communicate with her once a week; sometimes I didn’t want to communicate at all. When I told her something good about our life, it was noticeable that she did not want to hear it. And when I once complained about difficulties, my mother replied that I had chosen all this myself. I try not to complain to her anymore. Now we correspond on the Internet, sometimes we call each other. But even just writing to me is hard. It takes several days to get ready to write a message. In messages, my mother always writes how bad she feels alone, how unhappy she is. In general, she was dissatisfied with everything in her life, and now I have left her. She doesn't like it, sometimes she even expresses it to me. She says that children always come to other people, but she is alone. I've been thinking about this situation often over the last year. On the one hand I have feelings of hatred towards her, and on the other hand I have feelings of pity and guilt. Recently I wrote to her that it was hard for me to live like this and why she did this to me. She said that she knew that she was a bad mother, and that she would always bear this cross. She asked to forgive her. She even wrote that she would kill herself. I had to calm her down. Now it’s very difficult for me to live and at the same time hate her and blame myself for leaving for another country. I help her financially to the best of my ability. But I don’t want to communicate at all. I don't even like it when she touches me. This all worries me very much. Constant thoughts depress me more and more every day. I don’t know how to cope with this contradiction and take one side. Help me please!

Psychologist Svetlana Viktorovna Bashtynskaya answers the question.

Victoria, hello!

I really feel how your relationship with your mother is driving you into a spiritual impasse. All your life you have been taking care of your mother, and now, when you have begun to live your own separate life, it is as if you do not have the right to this, a feeling of guilt arises in you, which continues to be supported and nurtured by her.

What happened to you as a child is outrageous. You, a little girl, were placed with inadequate and excessive demands, excessive responsibility, and you were not given the opportunity to be a child. You had to grow up early and constantly control yourself. You have learned to be careful and keep your head down, to do everything according to the rules. And there was no way to behave differently in that situation, you survived and adapted to these harsh conditions, you were on alert all the time, otherwise the person closest to you at that time could insult, humiliate you, or even hit you. And for little Vika, that life was full of pain and fear, and now, your inner girl remembers all this, these feelings stayed with her and affect how you live now, what you feel and think.

I admire your strength, how you dealt with all of this, and how you were able to separate yourself and start moving on your own path.

To me, your relationship with your mother looks distorted, upside down. It's like you have to act as a parent to them. And on her part, you are required to maintain her peace of mind, accept her mistakes, while she does not want to hear what is happening to you.

Honestly, I was very indignant when reading the letter - your mother gave birth to you for herself, and did not hide it, did not take you into account as a person, she was not interested in your needs and desires, and is still not interested. Everything should revolve around her. And how dare you still leave and take care of your own life?!

The fact that it’s difficult for you to communicate with her now is absolutely normal and natural. How could it be otherwise? Where can the desire to share intimate things and the desire for physical contact come from, if for most of my life this was either ignored, or subjected to merciless criticism, or could even be dangerous to health. With all this, you do not abandon her, you help her financially as much as you can.

Now you can take the distance in your relationship with your mother that is comfortable for you. You can take care of yourself and your family first.

And if you want to deal with this contradiction, which does not allow you to breathe freely, even at a great distance from your mother, then it is important to allow yourself to express your feelings towards her. And they will be different: love, hatred, anger, pain, resentment, sadness. You have the right to all these experiences. Separate your feelings and expectations from the feelings and expectations of your mother, which you absorbed as a child. Learn to support yourself and allow yourself to enjoy life and the fact that you move your own way, make mistakes and do things “imperfectly”. I see a lot of strength and courage in you.

Victoria, if you need support or advice, you can always write to me by email. Sincerely, Svetlana Bashtynskaya

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