Losing a loved one is easy, but regaining an emotional connection or finding an equally strong new one is not the easiest task. Perhaps you shouldn’t be a hero and try to figure out a problem on your own that seems unsolvable to you. We offer you professional help from psychologists from the Center for Successful Relationships. You send us your story, and we publish it with expert comments. In order for us to better understand the essence of the problem, please send as detailed (of course, as appropriate for you personally) stories. And we will do everything possible to ensure that good mood, harmony and peace return to your home. The anonymity of letters is guaranteed.
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Today we are publishing a letter from a reader who made a mistake and lost his family, but realized that he wants to return to his relationship with his wife. Is it possible?
My wife and I were married for almost 15 years, 13 of which were quite happy. After 7 years of marriage, children appeared, very desired and long-awaited, we moved to a new home, live and be happy. But behind the external well-being, problems were hidden, constant irritation began to appear, and alienation began to grow. And, alas, I chose the worst of the options: I went left and ended up in a very difficult relationship. Added to the infidelity was a huge amount of dirt. My wife put up with this for a very long time, I left, came back, continued the relationship, trying to hide it. In the end, the wife could not stand it and filed for divorce. So almost 2 years ago a divorce stamp appeared, which I really didn’t want, despite the fact that it was a logical ending. But nevertheless, I spent and continue to spend a lot of time with the children, I see them almost every day, I regularly pay child support, I left the apartment and moved into my parents’ apartment. And I tried to start a new life, relationships appeared, but in the end I ran away, hurting those I was running away from. The last such relationship lasted about a year, even some plans were made for the future, but recently I realized that the girl did not succeed in replacing my ex-wife, and that I think that someday I will return to her.
It should be noted that the ex-wife has not yet gotten over the breakup either. The children and she still suffer that she cannot forgive what I did: at the same time, it slips in from time to time - maybe someday this will pass and we, again, maybe will be reunited. I understand that this is an element of manipulation, but I try to be tolerant of her attacks.
After the last break, emptiness appeared. I crossed out the new things that began to appear with the person who loved me with all my circumstances, and I have no idea what to do with the old ones, whether something is possible there. If only because the ex-wife does not understand: in addition to what served as a natural reason for the divorce, there were also obvious prerequisites for this, for which we both bear responsibility. But when it comes to this, the conversation ends with the fact that we got divorced, live and be happy that you got rid of your bad wife.
I don’t want to start another new relationship, and from the one that just ended I received another guilt complex, so I’m even afraid. And I don't know what to do.
Oksana Blank, practicing psychologist at the Center for Successful Relationships:
Are you able to live in the present? Do you enjoy what happens to you? Or are you often looking for something better?
You already see this scenario yourself - the destruction of relationships occurs almost the same way, you devalue what is happening to you in the current moment. You try to return to the past or hope for the future, but the present becomes something insignificant.
Is it possible that relationships are a way for you to escape from yourself, from your own experiences? Even when you say “tried to start a new life,” it turns out that you mean “new relationships appeared.”
Will you find a woman like your wife, will the same relationship appear - most likely not. And from what you say, it also becomes clear that, most likely, the restoration of your past family will not happen, at least as long as there are so many unanswered questions.
Legally, your divorce has occurred, but your emotional separation has not. With your ex-wife, you continue to live in the past, express complaints to each other, remember something, work through mutual experiences. And it looks like you continue to resolve issues as spouses, not as parents.
And it is very important for you to be in this connection. It probably hasn't been long enough to really get over it.
But it is precisely this situation that does not allow you to move on, because there is always a comparison with something in the past, a refraction of the situation through what once was, fantasies. As a rule, in this case, a person feels emptiness, loss of time, hopelessness, apathy, lack of energy and development. This leads to a person being dissatisfied with himself.
The best way for you now is not to start a new relationship. Until you figure out what you want to achieve, until you build a relationship with your ex-wife so that it does not bring you worries, most likely, your new relationship will develop according to the same scenario, which will only strengthen your guilt complex, you again have you will feel like you have used someone.
Any breakup is a loss, and loss is something that needs to be experienced, something that needs to be dealt with. I definitely recommend contacting a specialist, because it’s hard to cope with loss on your own. It doesn’t matter whether you are a man or a woman, sometimes everything is so confusing that there is no way out, and at the same time everything seems unambiguous, you give one-sided assessments. For example, you give yourself an unambiguous assessment of “destroyer,” but you are not the only one to blame for the fact that your relationship is being destroyed.
Try to find support outside of relationships. They will not bring positivity into your life now.
Look for resources in your career, in your favorite hobbies, in communicating with your children. Look for resources that will help you feel the value of the present, rather than living in the future.
When you can only gain the fullness of life through another person, it is very difficult to achieve something real.
Oksana Blank, psychologist
"Center for Successful Relationships" (Psycenter.by)
Yes, I admit honestly, it happened. Changed. But what can you do, sometimes you want to remember the old days - your wild youth - and go out into the field. Although this time I didn’t have to go out into the field. It was enough to just go to work.
So, my wife went on a two-week business trip. And I decided to get to know the girl Anya better. She is 21 years old - the best age. She is a correspondence student at the institute. And on the eve of summer, she, like many students, needed to write a term paper. And I, like a true gentleman, volunteered to help her in this difficult matter.
But to be frank, I did not hide the fact that the coursework was only an excuse for our meetings. I also didn’t hide the fact that I like Anya, and I don’t mind sleeping with her. But from the very beginning everything did not work out. We came to me, discussed the coursework, I explained something to her, casually put my arm around her waist... But when I wanted to kiss her, she pressed her lips tightly together, and no kiss came out. No, we could talk with her about sex, I touched her body, it even seemed to me that she wouldn’t mind sleeping with me. But she didn't want to kiss. And she kept repeating that she would not sleep with me, because I was married, and she was not like that... But she did not refuse my help in terms of coursework.
Soon this situation began to irritate me. My wife was supposed to return in 10 days, but I still haven’t slept with Anya. I decided to give up on kissing. It was necessary to move on to more drastic methods. From my personal experience, I remembered that in order to speed up the process of seduction, you need to put a penis in the girl’s hand.
In those days when I made this decision, Anya invited me to go with her for company to her friend’s birthday. I, of course, agreed.
The birthday party actually turned out to be the usual student party with a lot of beer and stupid drunken games. Finally, tired of this atmosphere of a stuporous holiday (I’m not 20 years old anymore), I suggested that Anya go out onto the balcony and get some air. She nodded, and we, maneuvering between the tipsy youth, went out onto the balcony.
I hugged Anya from behind, began kissing her neck and caressing her breasts. When my penis increased significantly in size, I gently placed her hands on it and began to move my hips. She didn't remove her hands. And soon she began to rub herself against me. In short, we were excited to the limit.
Maybe we can leave here,” I suggested.
But what about Yulia—that was her friend’s name—she might be offended that we left so early.
I don’t think they’ll even notice,” I grinned and nodded towards the merry company.
Half an hour later we were already at my house. Without shelving the body, we headed to the bedroom. She also tried to say something about my wife, but I tactfully interrupted her speech with a kiss. She no longer pressed her lips...
The next week seemed like just a honeymoon. She spent every night with me... in bed.
But the week is over. The wife has returned. I told Anya that we need to break up. After all, I honestly love my wife. And the pickup truck is just a tribute to the past.
What to do if you cheated on your wife
Cheating in a relationship
What to do if you cheated on your wife
You love your wife or girlfriend, but are completely confused in the relationship. Remember that losing the love of your life is one of the hardest blows you can receive. Especially when you know that only you are to blame for this.
But, nevertheless, there is always a way out, even from such a difficult situation. It is worth adhering to a number of principles, and then, perhaps, your wife will forgive you for cheating. Why is it possible? Because not everyone can forgive betrayal.
Be honest with your wife. When your wife finds out about the affair, you need to be clear and consistent. There is no need to get confused in your words, you don’t need to come up with some additional facts every time. Ideally, you should tell her this yourself, and not someone else. There should be only one story, no more and no less. There is no need to blame your wife, even if she is wrong. You made a mistake, and it doesn’t matter what it is: cheating or unwillingness to solve problems with your wife. Trust can only be restored with the truth, even if it is not so easy to speak.
Apologize to her. Say you are sorry and ask for forgiveness. So be prepared for the fact that this will not be the most pleasant and warm welcome of your life. But this is the most logical step in this situation.
You can also shut yourself up and be proud if all the power and financial resources are in your hands. But then there is a possibility of your wife having a nervous breakdown from hopelessness. It is also worth noting that if this is not the first betrayal, then either your wife no longer cares about you, or she will never forgive you.
Get rid of your mistress. If you haven't done this yet, do it right now. All your truth, apologies, honest eyes and gifts will turn into empty space if your significant other sees a couple of SMS messages from another woman. Yes, this step seems obvious, but, unfortunately, many men forget about it. Be smart, do it now. But do not forget that not only the wife, but also the mistress has feelings. She can harm your relationship with your wife in every possible way. Be prepared for this.
Communication. Your wife will hardly be as nice to you as before. So if you want to regain goodwill, you will have to sacrifice your interests and become more loyal.
If she wants access to email and passwords, then show her this. If she wants you to come home after work, then you will have to come. However, there is one addition. Never agree to show your wife your mistress. If your mistress is slimmer, taller, more voluminous than your wife, then comparisons and reproaches will follow. And phrases like: “It’s because I’m fuller...” will haunt you for a very long time.
Get ready. Your wife will be in a lot of pain. There is not a single person who would not worry about their spouse’s betrayal. So if she wants a big cake at three in the morning, then buy her this cake. If she wants to be alone, then you need to give her space. If, on the contrary, she wants to control and see you, then do everything possible that depends on you. Show how much you are ready to change. Remember, even though you don’t say that everything is your wife’s fault, she will think so in any case. She needs your support.
Fight for your happiness. Yes, you cheated on your wife, you made a mistake, a big mistake. But if you are sure that your love is mutual, then you can return to a good relationship. You can remember the happy moments in your life. Give her favorite flowers. Become a little romantic and that energetic guy she fell in love with. But know when to stop, confidence and despair are always nearby, and their borders are invisible.
Adviсe:
- There is no need to shield yourself. Remember that you must ask for forgiveness, and not explain the “coincidence of circumstances” and the “position of the stars.”
- Her friends will be opposed to you. And their every word will call for divorce and separation. But you don't need to argue with them. Just let your wife know that you know this. And you understand their position. Nothing more.
- The girls' mood changes quickly. Therefore, take time to wait out her angry outbursts. There will always be compassion and understanding behind them.
- If they don’t want to talk to you, then give her time to think. If she loves you, then sooner or later she will give you a second chance.
Additionally:
Reconciliation will take a long time. Be prepared for the fact that she will remember this until the end of her days. But over time, the bad is forgotten, and only the good remains. So patience and more patience.
If you are sure that you have the strength to contain it inside, and your wife will never find out about the betrayal. It makes sense to hide this from your wife. Mental anguish will sooner or later leave you, and your wife will be saved from unnecessary depression. This is a lie, but this is what saves many marriages.
This will help:
WIFE CHEATED ON HOW TO GET BACK: forgive and return
Imagine that the phone suddenly rings. You look at the phone and see that your wife is calling. You are absolutely calm and confident. You know in advance what she wants to tell you. You know she wants to get back to you. She admitted her mistake and regrets what happened. You have already forgiven her. You're glad she wants to be with you again. And this is not a joke, you can really achieve this!
Short description
Having conducted hundreds of consultations for men on the topic of female infidelity, we realized that most men want to forgive their wife, forget the pain of betrayal and improve family relationships. But often this cannot be achieved, since anger interferes with reasoning. The wife decides to leave and go to another man.
And we will say honestly that cheating changes men. It makes some people insecure, weak and emotionally unstable, while others, on the contrary, it forces them to change their lives for the better.
And we know for sure that women do not return to those who become weak, broken and embittered. Women return only to those who show strength and self-confidence. And this book will help you become just that strong and confident. You can get your wife back and start a new life with her.
You can get your wife back after cheating! Treason can be forgiven! You can restore happiness to marriages! You can do it!
We need to act now
After separating from their wife, many men panic and begin to take chaotic actions. Some shower you with gifts, some kneel and beg you to come back, some begin to threaten your wife and blackmail you with their children, and some even sit down on a glass.
All these actions only worsen the situation and every minute reduce the chances of getting your wife back. However, if you follow our instructions, you will not only be able to get your wife back, but also establish a strong relationship with her. She will want you again, she will call you her man again, she will no longer think about other men.
Therefore, do not waste your time on useless activities. Take our instructions and act on them. So you can get your wife back with a 100% guarantee. It really works!
So what's the point
The return of a woman is achieved by new emotions and sensations that she receives from her “old” man. But to achieve these emotions in such a difficult situation, you need to use methods that seem illogical and incorrect at first glance. In our book we describe these methods and also explain to you why they work.
Your task will be to strictly follow these methods. And this way you can bring your wife to the right emotions, and she will want you again. Everything is very simple!
P.s. Did you change it yourself? Order - we will help
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He got married, one might say in the hussar style. Dating, candy-bouquet period, sex, application and wedding. All this took 1 month. We can say that only after the wedding he began to take a closer look at his wife.
The girl is young, always laughing, jumping, in general, “the wind is in her head.” And he’s 8 years older than her. She immediately dubbed me “old and sick.” Why "old?" I still can't understand it. I was only 25 years old then. And “sick” - that’s what she decided, since she didn’t get pregnant right away from me. I wandered to different clinics, took a bunch of incomprehensible tests. The doctors diagnosed him: healthy!
I couldn't understand anything. Why doesn't she get pregnant? After all, I tried so hard almost every day. And then I found birth control pills in her locker. It turns out that she drank them secretly from me every time she was with me. I showed it to her, and she was hysterical. Like, I put so much pressure on her. She called me sick “as a joke,” and I fell for it. Then she got a job in a military unit. Every morning, before leaving the house, I twirled in front of the mirror, put on the shortest dresses and high heels. And she kept joking again that only women worked there in their unit. There are no men, no one is looking at her. And she spins around in front of the mirror, so that the girls envy her what a good figure she has.
I didn’t believe a single word she said, but I remained silent. Tried to save the marriage. I was ashamed of myself in front of my parents and relatives. And then my wife comes home one evening and tells me with a smile that tomorrow they will have a corporate party in their unit. The whole team will go for a ride on a river bus. There will be a buffet and dancing. She would, of course, take me with her. But I still don’t know anyone,” at the same time, the wife sweetly lowered her eyes to the floor. She kissed my forehead and she went to get ready for tomorrow's party.
What happened at that party I can only imagine in my head. As a result, my wife did not come home to spend the night. I showed up only early in the morning to change clothes and go to work. She was all some kind of mint, disheveled and drunk. It's not a pleasant sight. After kissing my ear, she went to the bath. There was not even a hint of guilt in front of me in her eyes. There was only fatigue. I didn’t say anything to her, but thought to myself: “I’m a complete fool.”
Doesn't she understand that marriage is sacred? This is family, it should be cherished. I decided to take revenge on her so that she would feel at least a little bit what I feel. I decided to cheat on her. Do it out of spite, do it hurt. Although my soul resisted this. I always wanted to have a friendly and strong family.
Just me and her and our children. And then this happened to me. But still, I decided to teach her a lesson. I’m a man, in the end, it won’t be enough for me. I worked in a large team, we had many wonderful women and girls. So it wasn’t difficult for me to find a girlfriend for myself. The girl couldn’t even believe her ears when I invited her to sit with me in the park. Suddenly, I felt very light and happy. My interlocutor turned out to be a very nice girl. We developed a very warm relationship with her. Some time after work I enjoyed spending time at her house. The only thing is that we didn’t tell her parents that I was married. Otherwise, I think there would not have been such a warm welcome from her relatives.
We met quite often. We walked together with her dog, went to the park for walks. And I was always afraid to see the question in her eyes: “What have you decided, man?” I still live in 2 houses, but I really don’t want to deceive anyone.
