Stay or go – a question that torments at least one of the partners in a great many couples. Every day, every hour, right this very second. Meanwhile, psychologists advise asking other questions. The answers to which will help to come to the right decision.

1. What did you expect from love?

Usually this question is replaced by another one - “Do I still love him (her)?”. But the answer is too often dictated by the myths of popular culture. In which love is when a partner understands you without words and anticipates all your desires. In real life, things are different. And first of all, you should soberly admit: if the relationship is in crisis, then exactly half of the blame for this lies with you.

“People do not come into relationships “from scratch”, they carry with them a load of previously accumulated problems. And they unconsciously expect that the partner will solve them all with a wave of a magic wand. And when this does not happen, they get very upset and believe that the relationship has not justified itself,” says Jody McKay, clinical psychologist, expert at Psychologies (South Africa).

She recommends lovers to be more sober in their expectations. And strive for that level of intimacy when everyone can fearlessly tell their partner about their emotional wounds. Only in this case, you can count on the fact that a loved one will help them heal.

2. What do you want to get rid of?

You can walk away from a partner you've lost interest in, but you'll never be able to run away from yourself. So try to figure out what you don't like in the first place. It is possible that the answer lies within yourself.

“For example, people who are used to being strong and in control are unconsciously inclined to choose weak and dependent partners,” explains couples therapist Mira Viej. - So they strive to find balance in life. But as a result, one day it is the weakness and vulnerability of partners that turn out to be the qualities that begin to irritate the most.

This can go on indefinitely, until a person admits to himself that weakness is not a mortal sin at all. And that, apparently, it is important for him to sometimes allow himself to be weak. As soon as this happens, the weakness of the partner will cease to be an annoying factor.

3. Are you sure you can live on your own?

Very often, the thought of loneliness scares women even more than a long-obsolete marriage. Are you afraid of not coping alone with life's difficulties? Or are you afraid that you won’t be able to meet a new suitable partner? If the answer is “yes”, then, oddly enough, the existing relationship should probably end as soon as possible,” says psychotherapist Ruthie Smith.

“The more you become dependent on another person, the more you lose faith in yourself and the ability to take responsibility for your life.” And for your happiness, for which, ultimately, only you and no one else are responsible.

4. Can you handle cheating?

For most couples, adultery is more than enough reason to get divorced. But Mira Viej disagrees. As with the very first question, she invites you to honestly admit that it is your fault that your partner began to look for pleasure on the side.

“Perhaps you tend to “punish” your partner with the lack of an intimate life for some wrongdoing? Or does he not feel the admiration for which the first months of life together were generous and which we all need constantly?

If two people are able to understand what happened and agree on the inevitable redistribution of roles in a couple over the years, then betrayal can not only not destroy relationships, but also strengthen them.

5. How would you feel if your partner died today?

Perhaps this sounds too harsh and even shocking. But such "shock therapy" can be very useful. Momentary reasons and emotions often push for parting. Sharp and painful here and now, they are not very important "in the long run", but they are quite capable of obscuring the true value of relationships from us. Which you need to remind yourself of - albeit in such a harsh way.

6. What will your new life look like?

The question is purely practical, but no less important for that. Who will cook the food or pick up the children from school, who will fix the broken socket or will finally change winter tires for summer tires - even if only in May?

“We often think of getting out of a difficult relationship as a release. But freedom not only has its price, it also imposes additional responsibility, ”recalls Jody McKay. She encourages clients to make a detailed plan for the next “day on the loose”, without missing any details. In order to understand how ready they are to cope with everyday life concerns that today lie on the shoulders of a partner.

7. Should your happiness outweigh someone else's sadness?

The answer is unequivocal - yes. You must put your interests first. And the question is actually not at all in this, but in how you do it, - Maira Viej is convinced. She cites the example of couples who continue to maintain a long-loathed marriage in the interests of children. But the trouble is that children in such couples, looking at parents who have not loved each other for a long time, receive an unconscious attitude: their own happiness is not important, they can and should be sacrificed for the sake of some higher interests.

As a result, from generation to generation we raise people who deliberately agree to be unhappy. This chain must be broken. But this must be done as carefully as possible. Explaining to the children that the reason for the separation is not at all in them and the divorce will not affect your feelings for them in any way. You just want to be happy just like them. And if this works out, then in the end everyone will win.

Text: Beverly Stone, psychologist, family therapist

Everything changes over time. Even a relationship with a loved one can turn into a suitcase without a handle, which is hard to carry, but it's a pity to leave. Take 6 simple steps to make the right decision.

There are many reasons why even the strongest relationships can falter:
you can be together for several years, and then suddenly doubt whether the man you need is really next to you, or it’s time to look for a new candidate for the fathers of your children, while the biological clock is still ticking and it’s not too late. Maybe your children have already grown up and fluttered out of the nest, and without them the two of you are too lonely. But no matter what your scenario is, making the decision to break up is very difficult. We lose a part of ourselves, tormented by the question “Leave or stay”, suffering, we acquire all the symptoms of stress - heart palpitations, insomnia, fatigue and headaches.

If you are still not sure what exactly you need to do - leave or stay, follow the six steps in sequence, described below.

Step #1. Start being yourself, not the person your partner wants to see

Do you often hold your tongue when you know that what you want to say will not please the people around you? If your partner asks you to do something you don't want to do at all, do you do what he told you to do to stay calm? The habit of hiding your opinions and needs for the sake of others ultimately has a very negative effect on your self-esteem, how happy you feel, and your entire being in general. To find out if your relationship has potential, experiment. Agree with your partner that you begin to share with each other what you really think about, and do it in a calm atmosphere, taking emotions out of the brackets. You will either restore harmony in a couple, or your incompatibility will become even more obvious.

Step #2. Stop worrying about what others think

It doesn't matter what other people think, say or do. It is important to understand that this is only your decision, which you will make alone. For example, it seems to your girlfriend that your desire to leave your husband is immoral, you can laugh in response because you think that she is not too smart, burst into tears because you highly value her opinion, or shrug your shoulders indifferently, but the best option would be to accept her words to note - and no more. Don't stir up the atmosphere by sharing the anxieties and fears of others. You will gain a great advantage in overcoming difficulties between you and your partner if you remain calm and think logically.

Step #3. End your split personality

When it comes to making difficult decisions, two inner voices usually come into play that contradict each other. One of them always advocates risk, his main message is: "Everything that is not done, everything is for the better." But there is also a second voice that whispers that you are making a very big mistake right now or reassures you that nothing can be done at all in your situation. When you are not aware of this inner conflict, your thoughts swing between the part of you that longs to fly and the part of you that prefers you to stand firmly on the ground without losing your footing.

To resolve internal conflict, allow your Cautious Self to talk to your Confident Self. Take a sheet of paper: let “Confident Me” speak first - start with the words: “I am outraged that you ...” - write down everything that comes to your mind. After that, fix the Cautious Me objections. Continue this dialogue until you have covered all of your negative and positive thoughts about the current situation and come to a natural conclusion. After such work, the two polar points of view will merge together and you will get a clear picture.

Step #4: Realize that you are not in a trap, even if you think you are.

If you haven't made a decision yet because you're paralyzed by fear of being alone or by the prospect of looking for a new home, skip to step 4. Keep telling yourself, “I can do whatever I want with my life. I might even change my name and move to California.” As a rule, when I suggest that my clients do this exercise, they react in much the same way: “I can’t do it. I have a husband and two children who need my support.” I propose to get a divorce and leave the children in the care of my ex-husband, but people are horrified by such proposals and say: “I can’t do this.” Try to say this phrase, replacing "I can't" with "I won't" and you will see how, after overcoming some resistance, this scheme begins to work. It's amazing how the atmosphere in the house is changing, where people begin to understand that no one is forcing them to keep the family, but they themselves want it. The newfound sense of freedom helps some to understand that they want to save the relationship. And others - that they always have a choice.

Step number 5. Focus on your own interests

It’s enough to wait for a savior who will come and decide everything for you in a minute - no other person has the only right answer to your question “Leave or stay”. So stop living up to other people's expectations and living up to other people's standards. Don't be afraid to be "wrong".

Step number 6. Think about what you would do if you knew you only had six months to live.

Imagine that you have only six months - it is unlikely that in this case you will worry about annoying little things, such as quarrels in the evenings. If you decide to end the relationship, you will leave without hesitation. If you want to stay, you will begin to correct what does not suit you. This exercise is a good way to see the real state of affairs and deal with your own values. Do it by all means!

Life is too short to waste it on misery. Don't delay breaking up with your partner if you realize that it's all over. Or start working on improving the relationship (already next week we will introduce you to recommendations on how to keep love).

There are many reasons why life with a loved one becomes unbearable - from everyday incompatibility to serious disagreements in resolving vital issues. I'm not talking about petty frictions and one-time problems and not about the difficulties associated with elementary misunderstanding or excessive demands of partners to each other. We will talk about those moments when love for a certain person comes into conflict with other serious needs, including those of a biological nature.

I can tell you about one couple who had an excellent relationship, there was a unity of views on all important life issues, there were similar interests. Young people loved to discuss films, talk on philosophical and political topics and always came to an agreement. But the young man was so sloppy in everyday life that it made the girl's life (let's call her Alla) unbearable, the unhygienic he allowed seemed dangerous to her. The situation was aggravated by the fact that the young man was not indifferent to everyday life. He liked to cook something, but at the same time he cut raw meat and vegetables for salad with one knife, left the meat trimmings on the table and went to work, in the summer the smell of flies flew through the open window. Coming to the apartment, he never took off his street shoes, put dirty dishes in the bookcase ... There were many features of the young man's behavior in everyday life that simply plagued Alla. She tried to put everything in order, but it took too much time and effort - every day she had to do almost a general cleaning. Exhortations, requests, and reproaches had little effect. The young man listened to his beloved, tried to do as she wanted, but this led only to insignificant one-time results, since he had completely different ideas about what is clean, and the untidy room did not annoy him at all.

At a certain stage, they tried to solve the problem at the expense of the housekeeper. But both did not like that a stranger was panting in the house, shifting things. A week later, extraneous services were refused, and everything returned to normal.

Living together with a sloppy young man made Alla irritable and nervous, but to part because of such a trifle as life, to refuse to create a family with her lover in the presence of complete unity of souls seemed strange and impossible to her.

An example that, unfortunately, has become common in our time, making love unbearable, is a situation where two people meet for a long time or even live together, but the girl wants to legitimize the relationship and have children, and the man does not want this. Moreover, tender love is preserved in the couple (if there was no love, there would be no problem). Years pass, and the woman's hope to create a full-fledged family becomes more and more illusory (at least, it may seem so). More and more often comes the desire to leave. But this is not easy to do.

"... It turns out that there is no other way out, just throw it away?" - the girl who got into such a situation asks a question. - I'm afraid that I won't be able to. ... Things don't always go badly with him. A lot of good things too ... And my self-esteem, probably ... is underestimated. I depend on him too much, not financially, but with my soul ... ".

“Probably, all this got me so much that it would be easier without him,” another decides. “I think so now. I could be wrong. But I’m ready to run away anywhere from my current state ...”. (From the archive of the conference).

Another, no less blatant and typical example of the unbearability of living together, concerns a career (career is a broader concept than just earnings) and self-realization. Alas, lovers too often, instead of supporting each other in this area, only "put a spoke in the wheel." This problem does not necessarily grow to a large scale. But if a person's interest in his profession is very great, if he feels this or that vocation, then love often becomes a tragedy for him. Here, the "suffering" side can be both men and women.

Let me give you another historical example where love came into conflict with the sense of self-preservation. This story is beautifully described in the book by D. S. Merezhkovsky "The Antichrist (Peter and Alexei)". And recently, on TV screens, one could watch the old film "Peter the Great", where it was also reflected.

The son of Peter I, Tsarevich Alexei, with his beloved Efrosinya, was hiding abroad. Alexei Petrovich seriously angered his father and knew that Peter intended to deal with him. It was not possible to return the prince to Russia without his consent. Then a cunning manipulative technique was used - they decided to influence the fugitive through Efrosinya. The uneducated girl succumbed to the influence, wanted to return to her homeland and threatened Alexei that she would leave him if he did not go with her. The prince agreed, although he knew that he hardly had any hope of surviving. At home, the heir was tortured and executed.

The uncertainty and fragility of the position of Alexei, who is in disfavor with his parent, the need to make a choice - whether to oppose his homeland and father on the side of enemies or hide forever made him emotionally vulnerable, which increased his dependence on his beloved. This dependence was the last reason for his final choice, contrary to the instinct of self-preservation.

When love conflicts with various "essential" human needs, many blame the partner, themselves, or fate. But is it someone's fault that people are different, they have different priorities and life tasks? The emergence of even the most passionate love does not abolish these differences. Difficulties in creating a family union are natural.

However, in this case it is not correct to talk about a conflict of interests between two people. If life with beloved becomes unbearable, then the reason lies in the internal conflict of the one who suffers from the situation. The interests and views of one person also come into conflict with each other. This is normal, no one is to blame for this. The phrase "harmonious personality" fashionable in Soviet times has little to do with reality, it is one of the socialist utopias. If someone manages to make an unambiguous choice in a difficult situation, then one can only envy him. Usually the decision is given as a result of a painful struggle.

“I love him, I want to start a family with him. But he believes that he must first get promoted in business, buy an apartment and see the world. I don’t mind, but my years are leaving! What should I do?” the young woman asks. From the side it is easy to give advice: "Throw him, and quickly!" But this is only from the outside, because an outsider understands the natural and logical desire to have a family, but does not experience the love that fills the heart of a suffering woman.

When you find yourself in a similar situation, attempts to talk with your loved one, come to an understanding or otherwise influence him (with screams, scandals, tears, ultimatums, partings), to put it mildly, do not quite have the effect that we would like. And the solution of the issue through negotiations is possible only if it is a matter of misunderstanding of each other, and not of a true conflict of interests.

I repeat that the underlying reason for this conflict is always an internal conflict: "I want to be with him (her), and I want to have something (family, career, money, always cleaned apartment, security, etc., etc.) , and he (she) does not give it to receive. If there were no internal problem, there would be no external problem.

To get out of this situation, you need to prioritize "within yourself." It's not easy - it would be easy, everything would be decided by itself. I suggest using the seven step system.

1. The first step should be to single out those own interests or desires that have come into conflict, and recognize (this is a very important point!) Each of them has the right to exist. Girls, especially young ones, are often afraid to admit to themselves something completely natural: that they want to get married; strive for security; love (and not only condescend to the one who seeks their love); need (alas, even in our time, many deceive themselves that only men need it). Love for a particular person must be put on a par with those most important life aspirations with which it began to contradict.
2. Then it is worth trying on a conscious level to determine what is more important. To speculate, highlight the pros and cons of the priority of one interest over another and vice versa. As a rule, this leads to nothing. Whatever we decide at this stage, it is impossible to act in accordance with this. But as an exercise, as a certain passing stage, it is useful.
3. The next task is to deal with emotional, unconscious preferences.

   Imagine that one of the interests was realized at the expense of the other and vice versa. Imagine that this is for life, feel the situation.

   One of my friends wanted to quit her job because of a conflict with her superiors. But she was frightened by the fear of not finding a new place. The problem was not resolved for a whole year. The woman continued to go to her old job, trying to find something new. But she did not find anything, from this she was even more afraid of being left out of work. I advised her to imagine that she would remain at her old job for the rest of her life, until old age, and, accordingly, the need to look for a new place would disappear. The woman took the advice and applied for resignation the next day, and three weeks later she found a new job.

4. The second stage of working with your own emotions is to get rid of excessive destructive feelings.

   The contradiction between love and the realization of certain important life tasks is very often accompanied by a painful attachment to the object of love. It is this feeling that is the emotional background of the conflict, it makes the situation difficult to experience, does not allow the issue to be resolved consciously. It is difficult for a person who experiences any strong feeling, whether it is passion or fear, to pull himself together and reason sensibly. Psychologists advise getting rid of painful attachment, as well as excessive and prolonged passion. There was a lot of advice given on how to do this. All methods can be divided into two categories.

   The name "wedge wedge" would fit the first. If you decide to resort to a similar method, it is not necessary to start a love affair "on the side." It can be any activity that distracts from an exciting situation, a hobby for anything: work, reading, a computer game. It is important here that the content of the activity does not remind of an exciting problem. Do not read romance novels, do not watch melodramas, intellectual, fascinating detective stories, action films, science fiction are more suitable.

   Another category of methods is bringing a keen feeling to the point of absurdity. How do those who are passionately in love, but who want to "keep pride" or achieve something from their beloved? They constantly try to limit themselves in the manifestation of feelings. "I won't call first, let him take the initiative!" "Let's part until we change our minds!" "Give him an ultimatum - either let me achieve what I want, or let him go!" Even if it is possible to maintain a pause in the relationship, then the opposite effect occurs - passion flares up with renewed vigor, and this devalues ​​in the eyes of the partner all efforts aimed at abstinence or creating the appearance of an ultimatum. This is not to say that restraint or some form of "blackmailing" behavior is absolutely useless in establishing a relationship that suits you. But if you tried two or three times, and it did not work out, you should not continue in the same spirit. Abuse of such methods will lead to only one thing - the partner will stop responding to them and will calmly wait until the next "bzik" passes.

   Before giving an ultimatum to another, give an ultimatum to yourself, to your feelings. Tell them: "Either you, or you!" If you realize that your will is not strong enough to make the final choice, the method of bringing the sharpest feeling to the absurd is just right for you.

   Do you love someone very much, are you too attached to him? So give yourself up to this feeling completely. Set aside time for this. Better take a vacation. Two weeks will be enough. Spend as much time as possible with your loved one, serve, court, don’t mind anything. But do not bring the situation to the point that he starts to drive you away. If you feel bored, step back, not with pride, not with defiance, but with a desire to do everything exactly the way HE wants. Be there - ready to serve. During the time that you allocate for this, make as many sacrifices as possible for the sake of your love. This is not humiliating, you will not serve a man, but your feeling, which has the right to exist, like everything in you.

   Alla from the above example decided to abandon any reproaches against her beloved. She began to spend exactly three times more time cleaning the apartment than if she lived alone. She tried not to get angry and all the time to indulge a potential spouse. After 9 days, Alla was finally convinced that the apartment was steadily overgrown with dirt, and there was no tendency for the process to reverse. The excess of the girl's feelings was spent on fighting the desire to reproach her beloved, so she found the strength to move back to her parents. The relationship continued for some time. But soon Alla told the young man that, despite her love, she did not intend to start a family with him. The young man was offended, very soon found a new girlfriend, and got married three months later. Alla's pride was terribly wounded. She was worried for several weeks - until, for some reason, she went to her ex and saw the conditions in which he lives with his young wife. Three years have passed since then, Alla has not managed to arrange her personal life, but, remembering her failed husband, she rejoices every time that "this cup" has passed her.

   This is the saddest story that happened as a result of using the method of bringing feelings to the point of absurdity. In the vast majority of cases, the relationship persisted. Love did not go away, but girls and women got the opportunity to think more sensibly, became more confident, less dependent, learned to defend their interests, to do it their own way.

   Often there was not only an internal effect, but also an external one - men were so amazed at the dedication and bestowal of their girlfriends that they fell in love with them with renewed vigor and did everything they wanted. The problem was resolved with a bang. It is not for nothing that there is a folk wisdom: "The strength of a woman is in her weakness."

   Some girls objected to the method of bringing feelings to the point of absurdity, saying: "If I completely indulge him, he will generally wipe his feet on me, twist ropes." Indeed, there were several such cases, but it changed the feelings of women so much that they absolutely with complete confidence left the relationship.

   But the main result has always been an increase in confidence.

5. The next step is to identify situational difficulties. For example, it is often the fear of conflicts or scandals, the fear of declaring one's interests and seeing the reaction of others that prevent one from solving a problem. There are many cases when, having overcome this kind of fear, a person, in the end, greatly facilitates his life. Yes, there is a disassembly, it torments for several days, but then everything returns to normal.

   I knew a girl who was very afraid of parting, and not loneliness, as such, but the situation of parting. She suffered greatly when young people left her, she could not do anything while the uncertainty lasted. But as soon as she realized that a return was impossible, her mood and condition returned to normal within one day. It was so unpleasant for her to leave that it manifested itself on a more elementary level - she always stayed up late at a party, said goodbye to her friends for a long time on the threshold, not daring to leave. Because of this feature of hers, the unfortunate girl maintained an absolutely unsatisfactory relationship with a man for more than a year.

   Try to understand what the situation requires of you, what you would like to avoid and some of this is important to you. Do not exaggerate this importance - do not forget that spending half an hour in the dentist's chair is still better than constantly suffering from a toothache.

6. If the situation has not been resolved at any of the previous steps, sit down again, think, it will not hurt to write down those desires of yours (both global and situational) that have come into conflict. Rank everything in order of importance. Now it will be easier - you will be armed with knowledge about yourself, and getting rid of excessive passions will allow you to breathe more freely. Perhaps something unconscious will come to the surface, and you will be able to make a better choice.
7. And then you need to try to live in accordance with the decisions made, i.e. do what is more important first and the less important second. Perhaps less important will have to be sacrificed (if the desires are completely incompatible). It won't be easy, but is it easy for you now! If you make the right decision, you can act on it.

   In this last step, it's important not to get too carried away thinking about how you to him you all say. You should not spend too much energy on demonstrative statements, it is better to try to implement your plan, and not talk about it.

Perhaps your love will still bring joy. In any case, there is always a chance to make your life happy.

Molchanova Ya.V.,
cand. psychol. Sciences

Once again, having heard a call for help, I decided to sit down and express my thoughts on the topic: “How a wife should behave at a time when the husband is deciding whether to leave the family for his mistress, or stay in the family.”

Here is an anonymous guest's commentary on my monologue " THE FIRST WIFE'S MONOLOGUE FOR THE NEXT WIFE":

“You all wrote about me. But my husband hasn't left yet. My husband's mistress is a psychologist by profession. Taking care of our twelve-year-old son, she pulled out all the money from the family. It's been dragging on for a year now. At first she wanted to take her husband, now I do not know her intentions. Is it because she “posed the question point-blank” before him, but they quarreled with her husband. He is unhappy. Wants and cannot leave. My mistress is 16 years younger than me (she is 34). Of course, it's hard for me. I am patient and rarely scandal, but I already broke once. I don't know what I want. I don't want to see him and I can't live without him? What to do? Please advise. I started looking for a job, nothing. How will I be with children without money? I don’t even know what is more difficult: without money or without it?

Since this is a very common case, I decided to bring our dialogue up for discussion and invite everyone who wants to help the lady to exchange views. Now I'll just try to express my own, subjective. And you, my dear readers, correct me if something is wrong.

I write only what I myself would advise, given the history that has already been created:

DO NOT INTERFERE HUSBAND TO MAKE A CHOICE. It is clear that at this moment the last thing you want to do is take care of his well-being. Today, fear for your future and for the future of your children fills you completely. And you should always understand and remember that even after a divorce (if this is destined to happen), your “former” will remain the father of your children FOREVER.

Over time, when the passions subside, you will understand that it is better if your children have a successful and happy father than an alcoholic, downtrodden loser or, even worse, a stroke, heart attack ... a corpse.

"Go away, I don't need someone else's!" "Husband left. Will he come back or not?"

LAW: If not for the sake of your husband, then for the sake of your own happiness and the happiness of your children, you should always wish him only the best!

HAVE PATIENCE! THIS IS NOT YOUR KEY POINT. It's still too early for you to make a decision. Your husband created the situation and he himself must resolve it. You can formulate it to your husband briefly and calmly: “I want us all to be happy. You decide what you need to be happy. Think and make a choice. And I need time to understand what I want.

"Have pity on him, have pity on your beloved."

You really need time to understand whether you want to somehow adapt to this “triangle”, whether you can adequately lead your family out of the crisis (whether you see the point in this), whether you can understand and forgive your husband, whether you yourself want cardinal changes ...

In the meantime, believe me, it will be easier and more correct to discuss the situation with him less. It's useless, at least not yet. Most often, at such moments, even many strong men show cowardice and lack of will. And we are ready to shift the decision to women's shoulders. They are confused. On the scales, on the one hand, life adjusted over the years, a certain certainty, comfort (native sofa and slippers) ..., and on the other hand, a young (still) desired body ... In a year, I began to get used to it, became attached ... Making a choice is very difficult. Leaving everything as it is is the dream of any man. But life forces, sooner or later, to make a choice. And the sooner the better. Otherwise, it is already beyond the bounds of civil and universal law. Bigamy! If the state does not punish, then the Universe certainly does.

"Let your husband go to his beloved."

But to wait until women (wife, lover, mother) take some action and “resolve” the situation, created to a greater extent by the man himself, is a sign of male lack of will! And they should not be allowed to do this, first of all, for their own sake, because when they lose respect for themselves, then they are a complete kayuk. Let them make their own choice. Just do not delay the decision for a year ...

LAW: If a relationship with a mistress, without completely destroying the family, drags on for months and years, then this indicates that the family is already on the verge of destruction (crisis). And "love" relationships "on the side" is also a temporary phenomenon, nothing serious there. Real feelings force a man to make a choice very quickly, because when you love, the decision in someone's favor is made easily and naturally.

And this means that if this has been going on for a year, then it is stupid to be jealous of a husband for his mistress. It was interesting to him as long as it was easy, new and unconstrained. Today he is burdened by her no less than you. But he can't refuse. This must be understood! But, frankly, there is nothing to rejoice here ... "I had two of them: a wife and a mistress..."

TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN HEALTH. Breathing exercises, prayer, meditation, yoga, long walks to the water or to the park... will soothe your inflamed brain and overwhelmed nerves. Conversations with a soul mate or participation in psychological training, drawing lessons, a swimming pool ...

Help yourself in all ways you can... Cry a lot! After cleansing tears, there is a moment of relief and often clarity. Shed tears like a river, sob like a beluga ... And if someone dares to interfere, trying to console or shame, move him aside. So, he just never left.

If there is an opportunity to leave, leaving her husband with children, for a week or two - this is ideal! It doesn’t hurt to change the situation and unwind, and your husband needs to be with the children, take full responsibility for them and figure out his priorities ...

FORGET ABOUT YOURSELF AND THINK ABOUT OTHERS. How do we live? By and large, we see only our own life, and only it worries us. When trouble happens, and today it seems to us that it is trouble, and only time will tell how wrong we were... So, when trouble happens, we turn around to face the people and see that we are not the only “victims”.

And the empathy that we will experience for others will push away our pain and expand our consciousness to the understanding of so many important things.

At the time of the divorce, I met and talked with a lot of people. I will try to briefly retell the conversation with only two ladies from the “opposite camp” (lovers). I listened to their stories and it made me see things differently.

One "took away" a man from a family where there were two small children. Or rather: the wife, having learned about her husband's affair and about the pregnancy of her mistress, broke off the marriage. They gave birth to a joint daughter, but the eldest daughter of the lady (from her first marriage) died, which she cannot forgive herself ... Her husband soon grew old somehow quickly and his character deteriorated. And when he retired (military), he generally lay down on the couch and treats her with his jealousy ...

I sincerely sympathized with the lady, still young, but so dissatisfied with her fate and blaming her husband’s ex-wife for all her troubles: “Why did you drive me away! He is like a husband to me, and I never needed ... ".

The second lady has been in a relationship with a married man for fifteen years. She also does not want him to leave the family for a long time. But she got used to the conveniences that he provides her. At her service is his car, he will always take to the country. And he solves any male problem. And since his wife is aware of his love affairs, he has an open war at home, mutual hatred. He also pesters his mistress with control (you have to pay for everything), every 15-20 minutes a phone call: Where are you? With whom? Afraid to lose. Relations are bleak and even unbearable. A lady in a natural fur coat, on stilettos 12 cm, with extended cilia ... not from a good life she gnaws her nails until they bleed. You don't have to be a psychiatrist to understand this...

And these are just two situations. One has only to go out into the public and open your eyes, ears, heart, as a stream of such stories will rush to you, where there are no guilty people, everyone around is affected. Where lonely and deceived in their expectations are not only those who were betrayed, but also those with whom they betrayed. Because we don't know what we're doing!

WORK!!! It is desirable during this period to work more than it would be worth. And, if there is no work, then make it your job to find a job. But be patient! Remember: you will not find a job until you yourself understand what you would like to seriously do in the future, where to apply your strengths and skills.

As soon as your environment (friends, acquaintances, neighbors...) receives the initial information from you, then the Universe will pick up something for you, maybe temporary to start, or maybe something interesting to raise your self-esteem...

I confess that sometimes in my impatience I reached despair, but I always pulled myself together and set myself up for success. And the job I ended up getting was an unexpected reward and consolation.

Focus on your desires and abilities. Remember what you already know how, and you can develop further, and what activity gives you great joy?! Let the world know what you are looking for. Information will certainly come. Be patient. If you want it, then it will work! And you get ready to act bolder. Do not forget that there are labor exchanges where you can complete free courses. Knock and you will be opened.

CHILDREN ARE OUR ALLIES. It is possible and necessary to seek support from children if they are not of primary school age, but at least of middle school age. Adolescents, if they do not see, then feel that the family is in trouble. Today's teenagers are quite aware of "mid-life crises" and have already discussed divorce in other families. Of course, you shouldn't dump all the details of what happened on them.

It is enough to simply say that you have problems in your relationship with your father, that it is very difficult for you and your father, and that you are counting on their moral support ...

If you are smart, then you will have enough tact, endurance and culture not to say a bad word about their father. Not a word!

Even if the husband goes on insults and provokes. Move away from the conflict, do not throw tantrums. Remember that children are drawn to the side where they behave with dignity, where they themselves are more comfortable to be. Try to whine less in their presence. You must remember that they themselves will not soon be able to give a fair assessment of what is happening, it will come to them only through their own experience. In the meantime, do not break down on children and with children! As soon as the “roof breaks”, we go outside and breathe deeply.

Our task is not to lose ties with children, but on the contrary - to strengthen them! It is easier to endure any hardship if you are hugged by children.

KEEP CONFIDENT. This advice was given to me by my son. Many women (including me) tend to look for the causes of all troubles in themselves.

Self-digging: “I did something wrong”, “I became not good enough, smart enough, modern enough”, etc. and so on. lowers our self-esteem completely.

Yes, cheating on your husband is a great reason to take care of yourself, your hair, wardrobe, style ... But without any far-fetched guilt, please.

If you get divorced, then the two partners "who failed to keep happiness" are to blame. But we will analyze what is happening a little later, when the head “cools down”.

In the meantime, let's say to ourselves: This is not my fault! I didn't do anything wrong! I deserve respect! And this is true! Straighten your back and stay confident.

LAW: A confident, calm, smiling person is attracted to his own children (!), people and good events are attracted. It will be easier for you to get a job, find like-minded people if you look like a confident person. Don't sag!

Remember sometimes that you are not alone, and which women have been cheated on: Catherine Deneuve, Juliette Binoche, Inna Makarova, Valentina Titova, Maria Alexandrova ... Perhaps it is easier to list who has not yet been cheated on.

But, if your emotions need an outlet, then it’s better to cut his shirts and shorts and throw them out of the window, leave him hungry, without clean socks ... but just don’t humiliate yourself in front of your husband, don’t look pathetic. REMEMBER: MEN NEVER FORGIVE A WOMAN THE humiliation THROUGH WHICH THEY FORCE THEM THEM TO PASS. Hold on with dignity, no matter how hard it is for you.

"IF LOVE LEAVES, WHAT IS THE SOLUTION?"

THE MAIN THING - UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU WANT! You write: “I don’t know what I want. I don’t want to see him and I can’t do without him?” Your task is not to make any decisions until you understand yourself.

Analyze whether you were happy with your husband before the appearance of a lady-psychologist? What got in the way of your happiness? Do you have common interests with your husband today? You have a lot to think about.

I have already written a lot on this or about this topic. I'm probably repeating myself. But maybe these posts of mine will help you:

"Treason. Condemn or understand?""Treason. Trying to understand"

Or maybe you decide to use other tips, such as:

"Real advice on how to "revive" the family."

I have several of these too.

Do not look for truths here, but only topics for your own reflections and conclusions.

Trust only your intuition - it is your Guardian Angel.

Think! Ask questions and let's think together. Your anonymity gives you the opportunity to open up. I wrote this material in one breath, trying to give an answer as soon as possible. I will post without proofreading. I understand how much you need support right now. Maybe later I will make additions and corrections. I look forward to your questions. And I wish you wisdom, courage, patience and good luck. Sincerely, Love.

P.S. The illustrations are not randomly chosen by me. Let all the elements come to your aid: water, air, earth, sun. Surround yourself with good music and relaxing pictures. Help yourself. I was supported by Chopin's nocturnes, views of the sea, deserted halls and frescoes of churches... And the answer came!

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Read and take an active part in the discussion of the topic in my journal IN Anticipation of Love

I always thought I was happy. However, the way it was: 15 years of an ideal marriage with the best man in the world - smart, reliable, affectionate, gentle, and, most importantly, loving. Last year we celebrated the anniversary of our life together - we did not notice how so much time had flown by.

At the table - elderly parents, teenage children, closest friends. Everyone says that it is better not to find a couple, that we are made for each other. Once, in moments of frankness, my daughter admitted that she wanted the same relationship with her future husband as I have with my husband. Nice…

In the spring I fell in love

Maybe the chirping birds are to blame, maybe the spring air, or maybe it's just the hormones, I don't know. But everything happened exactly like the Master and Margarita: “Love jumped out in front of us, like a killer jumps out of the ground in an alley, and hit us both at once. This is how lightning strikes, this is how a Finnish knife strikes.

We walked on opposite sides of the narrow sidewalk and at the same time looked into each other's eyes. And in a couple of minutes he caught up with me, apologized, said that he had not met on the street for a thousand years, and asked my name. And I realized that I was gone.

For several days in a row, he met me at lunchtime and we talked. They walked and talked. Common interests, hobbies, ways of spending free time (active recreation, sports, reading), similar views on life and on some situations.

I felt like a beautiful and desirable girl again, and not a respectable mother of a family and a caring wife.

Sergey came on business trips every 3-4 months, and between them he spent almost every weekend in the capital. We tried to spend all the days together ... And life was divided into two parts: explicit - where I have long been a wife and mother, and secret - with a mysterious gleam in the eyes and beloved hands of another man.

I'm torn...

I have a husband whom I respect and love endlessly, and I don't want to hurt him. There are children for whom mother's leaving for another man will be a betrayal. But you can no longer live on two fronts.

I am torn between the two men I love. Is it possible to love two people at the same time? It is possible, love will be different, but still it will remain love.

Sergei said that he would accept any of my decisions, because he loves and wants to see me happy. But he no longer wants to hide and share me with another. I don't know what decision to make? Continue to live a familiar and established life or give up on everything and start a new story?

If you find yourself in a situation “between two fires”, then you need to return to the moment when other relationships appeared. What happened then in your life? What suited and what did not suit in family life with your husband?

There are two reasons for the emergence of new relationships: really true love or compensation for what is missing in an old relationship. But in order to understand the essence of your situation, you need to take into account not only feelings, but also try to evaluate and weigh everything.

The passion that arises between a man and a woman lasts about 2 years, and then the “building” of relationships begins and the strengthening of other feelings, on which the relationship is based. Relations with her husband over the years become a quiet and peaceful haven. More and more capture home, family affairs and worries.

And, as a rule, it is at such a moment that fate brings with another person to which those very feelings arise, as in youth! Logic and common sense recede into the background, and the heart is literally torn apart. One day you are sure of one thing, and with the advent of a new day everything changes ...

Most often, the creation of a new relationship provokes a feeling of dissatisfaction with the current relationship. The most insidious thing about this dissatisfaction is that it can be completely implicit, accumulate over the years.

For example, a woman was too actively involved in the roles of mother and wife and completely forgot that she was also just a woman. And this woman inside begins to feel a sense of dissatisfaction.

The solution to this problem is often a new relationship. By the way, the so-called "triangle" often occurs precisely in order to save a couple, no matter how paradoxical it may sound.

That is, the third one appears precisely in order to “give” what the partner lacks in this relationship. And then the way out of this difficult situation may be the awareness of the deficit and the restructuring of current relations.

It happens that a double life lasts for years. But between these "fires" one can and must choose, because one of them is an "illusion" and the other is the truth. And to understand "who is who" you need to understand how you feel for both partners.

In a fit of passion and passionate feelings, it is difficult to notice the features of a partner that you will have to face in the future, because during the period of falling in love, we all have “rose-colored glasses”.

In addition, the atmosphere of the relationship itself contributes- rare and such welcome meetings, no obligations, common life, finances and other issues that one way or another will come to life with a new person. So far there are only two and they are insanely good together, but sooner or later, friends and relatives of the partner, his work, etc. will appear in these relationships.

At the stage of passion and novelty, do not rush to conclusions about love. If there is no deep confidence in these relationships and the heart is rushing about and does not know “whom to choose” - this is a sign not to rush, then something is wrong.

If you are sure that love is definitely in a new relationship, then it's time to decide. And here you should not be led by feelings of pity and fear, the end of a relationship is always painful, but every person has the right to happiness and you are no exception.