Question to the psychologist:

Good afternoon!

Please help me understand the situation that has been going on for 13 years. My husband and I dated for 2 years before marriage and our relationship was ideal, with my mother-in-law it was also good. Everything changed after the wedding, when everyone began to live together in the mother-in-law’s house. Especially after the birth of the child, she simply became wedged, she did not congratulate me even upon returning from the maternity hospital on the birth of my daughter and began to reproach me for being a bad mother and calling my daughter by the wrong name that I had christened. My husband did not take any part, sat silently, and did not take my side. To my reproaches in private he always answered: my mother is good! Of course she's good for him, but not for me. As a result, we moved into a rented apartment, but his mother simply hates me with all her heart. Now the situation has reached a dead end, because my husband’s brother has also joined my mother-in-law, she is turning everyone against me. I tried to talk to my husband that you, the head of a new family, are obliged to protect your wife and family, say a word for me at least once and this will all stop. And so the situation grows like a snowball, because his relatives understand that he will never tell them or do anything. On my last visit, forced for my father-in-law’s birthday, the situation generally seemed absurd to me. Neither my mother-in-law, nor my husband’s brother, nor his wife said a word to me. My husband is on a flight, and I haven’t been visiting them lately without him. But it was inconvenient to refuse the BD and I didn’t want to upset my husband. I love him and want to save the family, but he doesn’t hear me and says that he doesn’t understand. Without going into details, I told him that this whole situation was having a bad effect on our relationship, his mother wanted me out of the family. He is silent again, saying that it is I who is opposed to everyone, that’s why it happens this way. What to do? I understand mom and dad are relatives - it’s easier to change a wife. Leave this family and him with his relatives because he will never be able to stand up for me? And he himself has been calling me lately and often breaks into a scream or irritation for no reason. He was always affectionate with me and loving, I begin to think that he is cheating on me, I can’t find the reason for his behavior, which translates a lack of respect for me. Increasingly, he compares me with my mother, who is a very specific lady and we also have a difficult relationship with her. Help me figure out how to behave with my husband.

Psychologist Anzhelika Viktorovna Andrianova answers the question.

Hello, Ksenia.

The current family situation is divided into two opposite camps: on the one hand, you, and on the other hand, your husband's relatives. The husband himself is in the middle, but his opinion depends on the majority. Consider this situation from the outside, how two opposite sides accuse each other of various sins, there is a confrontation between the two sides, and you are a member of one of the parties. Everyone pulls the blanket over themselves. Naturally, in this scenario, the strongest will win (which is what the mother-in-law does, connects her relatives). If you want to participate in this "family battle", then you need to strengthen your position and find those who will be for you, that is, support you (I have others, not a husband). there is another position in this situation, when you give up and agree with your mother-in-law that you are “bad” and you cannot be changed and let them accept you as you are, and reinforce your position with your husband and say that he loves you and what a good fellow he is.

There is another option, when you simply break off all relations with these relatives, then it will become much more difficult for your husband to live between two opposites that ignore each other.

Such options lead to tension and the collapse of either a family or family relationships. .

It is possible to look at this situation from a different point of view. Ask yourself the question: why do you need such a situation when there are opposing sides that are fighting for influence on her husband.

If you are honest with yourself, you will get many different answers, it is important to work with them, that is, to realize your actions, then you can change your life.

“There should be no one closer than husband and wife”

On the role of mother-in-law and mother-in-law

In the last conversation with Archpriest Vladimir Parkhomenko, we talked about what the hierarchy in the family should be like and how not to raise an egoist out of a child. Today we will talk about such serious and often unshakable family members as mother-in-law and mother-in-law, about how they should act in relation to a young family and how the family should react to their intervention.

Limit interference

— Father Vladimir, in Russian folk tradition there are a lot of jokes associated with mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law. And these jokes are sometimes quite bitter. We have to admit that when we get married, our mothers, for all their good intentions, sometimes have a destructive effect on our family. How should our dear parents behave so as not to harm us in marriage?

“The Bible says: let the husband separate from his mother and cleave to his wife.” Since we are talking about the Christian building of a family, everything here should be very simple: the husband left his parents and clung to his wife. In the same way, a wife must cleave to her husband, become part of him, half of him.

As soon as the family was created, the ship went to sea. This is an independent unit. And what's the problem? The fact that not everyone immediately perceives it as such is well known from family psychology. As a rule, for at least three years, neither the wife's parents nor the husband's parents perceive them as a family. For them, he is still their Kolya, their Masha. And some Sasha stuck to her, and to Kolya - "This Lena is a fool" which " ruins his life...

A lot of different personalities are superimposed on this scheme. For example, the wife's mother may be overly active, and the husband's father may be too domineering. There are many options, but in each of them the task of both the husband and wife in a young family is to protect their own family, their ship that has just set out to sea from those ropes that parents are trying to throw on board in order to moor it.

— How to protect? You can't throw your parents overboard. And we love them, as a rule...

— Limit their interference. I’m not going to tell you all the ins and outs of my personal family experience, but I assure you - we are an ordinary family, we have nothing ideal. All the problems that everyone had, we experienced and went through on our own skin.

A husband must protect not only his wife, but his own family from his parents. When mom starts to pick on her brains - yes, she is like this, she is like that - wisdom is simply needed here. On the one hand, you need not to offend your own mother, on the other hand, you need to bury everything that she poured out on you. You don’t need to be a repeater, you need to be such a good “swamp” in which everything drowns. Because it will be extremely difficult for your own spouse to perceive criticism addressed to you, relayed by you.

Husband and wife are one. There should be no one closer and dearer. And if a husband begins to express to his wife a claim that his mother expresses to him, this is extremely offensive for the wife. She feels that she is losing protection, losing in him the one who, in principle, should protect her. The same is true vice versa. Therefore, this is the primary task of young people - to protect their family from outside influences.

Moreover, I will say that when we marry people, we always warn them that in family relationships there is such a law: as soon as you become husband and wife, you should not tell anyone anything at all about your family relationships. So mom asks: how’s it going? “Everything is fine mom, everything is fine...”

— But mom won’t give up so easily. She’s interested, she’ll start asking further questions.

- And you continue to lull her vigilance - “everything is fine mom, don’t worry...” All of this needs to be blocked. You cannot allow someone to get involved in your relationship, even under a plausible pretext - this is the law. If your parents, as well as numerous relatives, get used to this at the first stage, then they will stop bothering you altogether.

— It’s probably hard for moms to get used to it right away. It is difficult to part with a child. It may begin to seem that your own son, whom you raised for twenty years, is moving away from you. Or maybe he’s already fallen out of love altogether “because of this stupid Lena”...

“There should be no rivalry here, no selfish attachment.” You need to be able to let go of your son or daughter. So what if I raised you for twenty years? Now I've already grown it. Don't keep it to yourself all your life.

As for good relationships, if they were between mother and son or mother and daughter, if they were truly close people, then they will remain so even at a distance.

In general, the most reliable remedy against all problems is to resettle the young, as has always been the case. In Rus', young people were always resettled; they always immediately had their own housing. What was it like in Russian villages? They are preparing for the wedding - they are building a house for the newlyweds. Or, at the very least, some kind of outbuilding is added, or at worst, a separate room is allocated. Just a separate one that they wouldn’t go into.

You understand what separate living means for a young family. Therefore, if you don’t have your own separate housing, but there is the slightest opportunity to rent a house, this is very important in the first stages of family life. And if this does not work out, then greater wisdom is simply needed here. It must be taken into account that living together will bring more difficulties into a joint relationship.

Don't drive into a corner

— You speak — no need to relay negativity. But it happens that the husband tries not to relay, but the wife still feels that his mother does not love her. She becomes offended and insults his mother in front of him. Then he becomes offended - this is his mother, he cannot tolerate insults towards her even from his beloved wife. How can we be here? Many people stumble over this tangle of contradictions and mutual grievances...

- This is already the wife’s mistake. There is a very simple thing here - in our lives there are certain statuses, and the commandment "honor your father and mother" no one canceled. And the wife must understand that she cannot provoke her husband to violate this commandment. Because it is basically a religious thing and he will be forced to react to it.

And even if you have become a family, no one can cancel this commandment. Even if the parents died, no one cancels it, because then you should honor how? Pray for the repose of your parents. Therefore, no matter what kind of mother-in-law she is, the wife cannot provoke her husband. She understands perfectly well that there is, for example, a commandment - "Thou shalt not commit adultery." A normal woman would not think of provoking her husband to violate this commandment. It’s not possible here either. It's simple math.

At one time, Vladyka Evgeniy, rector of the Moscow Theological Academy, gave a good example. He said that you should never drive a person into a corner. Because if you drive a person into a corner, he has only one way out of this situation - to hit you in the forehead and move on. There are no other options...

— By the way, about the forehead. I know cases when quite calm, loving husbands raised their hands against their wives for making inappropriate statements about their mothers. I don’t condone this in any way, but I understand that it’s out of powerlessness.

- Of course, what options remain? You put a person in a position in which he should not be put. This is a gross mistake, you can’t do this. We must repent and correct our life in this sense.

— Now half of the readers will think that we condone domestic violence...

- Nothing like this. The husband also needs to repent for not restraining himself. Everyone must repent for their own.

— And if the mother-in-law doesn’t like her daughter-in-law for some reason, should the daughter-in-law try to earn her sympathy? Should I try to please her?

“I don’t think there’s any need to deserve it specially.” The task of the daughter-in-law in this case is to be critical of herself and the claims expressed by her mother-in-law. If she does not see any real guilt in herself; if she is not insolent to her mother-in-law, if she is not rude, if, in a word, she “doesn’t like” the moral component in this, then there is no need to do anything.

Why might her husband’s mother not like a girl? The reasons can be the most seemingly funny. For example, I came across the following things: for example, my mother-in-law scolds her for being slow. The mother-in-law is fast, and she is slow. And now my mother-in-law begins to irritate her - "this chicken does everything slowly, crawls there..."

Here we see carnal relationships, this is pure physiology. That is, she doesn’t like her daughter-in-law not because she is a bad person. She doesn’t like her qualities, her some purely physiological characteristics. There is no need to play any role or try to remake yourself. There is no reason for change here. You just need to humbly, in a Christian manner, bear this cross, especially since it is not the heaviest. Well, I don't like it and I don't like it. Take this as a given.

It will pass with time, I assure you. Life is a marathon. A few years will pass and everything will change. The hardest thing is the initial period of family life, because a family is not perceived as a family.

— And if there is a moral component to the mother-in-law’s antipathy, should you try to change yourself?

- Yes, sure. If you see that you were harsh or behaved tactlessly, then correct yourself. But not for the sake of being liked, but in a Christian way. Strive for spiritual perfection and that’s it. Correct yourself not for your mother-in-law’s sake, but for your own sake. There is no need to do something special to yourself for the sake of someone. As Seraphim of Sarov said: save yourself and thousands around you will be saved. This is a rule for all time, for life.

Newspaper "Saratov Panorama" No. 44 (1023)

From childhood, or rather from the moment he was born, the boy was explained what he must do to be a real man. Must be strong, not cry, be resilient, climb mountains, carry heavy bags, be able to stand up for yourself, be an intercessor and protector for your family, your younger brothers and sisters. And all this was done in order to prepare him for manhood. And having reached it, a man is primarily concerned with three questions: “Who is he? What does he do? How much does he earn?”

And until he resolves these three issues, serious relationships with women will remain somewhere on the periphery. As soon as he begins to resolve these issues and feel that his dreams are coming true, the man seems to gain a new life and is filled with energy. This encourages and inspires him. It is the solution to these three questions that gives a man the feeling that he has taken place in this life. He is his full name, does this, earns so much, and this much should be enough to ensure a decent standard of living for his family and children. It is in men's DNA to be providers and protectors. In his male world, he is assessed by other men precisely based on these indicators. Who is he, what does he do and how much does he earn?

And one moment. A man does not necessarily have to earn a lot now, but he should see that his dreams, plans and intentions are already being realized. He has already decided the first two questions - who he is, what he does, and this gives him the opportunity to go where he wants to be, and the money will come along the way.

Three signs of male love.

Men's love is not like women's. A woman in love is ready to do anything for the sake of the one whom she recognized and chose as her man. Women's love stands the test of time, logic and circumstances. Men are simpler. If a man loves, he does three things:

Sign of male love No. 1: A MAN DECLARES.

Men are owners and if a man is in love, then the first thing he does is declares to everyone around me - this is mine. This is “my girl”, “my woman”, “my baby”. In other words, you will have a title - an official one, which goes far beyond “this is my friend” or “this is my name.” This title is a way to let everyone around you know that he is proud to be with you and that he has plans for you. He sees himself in a long-term and sincere relationship with you and declares it loudly because he takes it seriously. And this could be the start of something special.

A man who calls you his also says unequivocally that he claims you - that you are his . Now he notifies everyone about it. Any man who hears another man say "that's my woman" knows that all the games/tricks/plans/schemes he had for this pretty, sexy lady standing in front of him must be forgotten until he another unmarried woman will not be caught because another man has declared out loud that “this one is mine, and she is not available for what you have planned for her.” This is a signal that men recognize and respect as a universal code for “no trespassing.”

If you have been dating a man for three months and he still has not introduced you to his family or friends and introduces you simply by name, then most likely you are not part of his plans and he does not see you in his future.

If he introduces you as a girlfriend or simply calls you by name, rest assured that this is exactly what you are to him - nothing more than a girlfriend or a name. But as soon as he gives you a title - as soon as he lays claim to you in front of the people who mean something to him, be it his son, his sister or his boss - that's when you know your man is making a statement.

He declares his intentions towards you - and declares them to the people who need to know about it.

Sign of male love No. 2: A MAN PROVIDES.

As soon as a man has claimed his rights to you and you have responded in kind, he begins to earn his “bread and butter”. Simply put, a man who loves you will bring money into the house to ensure that you and the children have everything you need. Society has told men for thousands of years that our primary purpose is to support our families: no matter what happens, no matter how we feel, the people we love should not want for anything. This is the essence of a man's calling - to be a breadwinner and provider. It all comes down to this. If the ability to provide for loved ones financially or in any other way is in doubt, male pride suffers severely. The more a man is able to provide for his woman and his children, the more significant and fulfilling he feels. It sounds too simple, but that's the truth.

He will make sure that you have everything and that you lack for nothing. Because every pat on the back for bringing more money into the house, every kiss for giving money to buy groceries, every praise for keeping the house in order increases his importance as a man. That is why, if he is a real man, his responsibility to provide for his family will mean much more to him than satisfying his own needs. Men like to spend their money, but this pales in comparison to the desire to provide for those they love, because all kinds of entertainment cannot make him straighten his shoulders the way it can praise from the lips of a beloved woman. Consequently, everything he does will boil down to trying to provide his beloved woman with everything she needs.

Moreover, a man can provide not only financially. Especially at first, if a man is truly passionate, then he becomes Mr. “I solve all problems.” He carefully makes sure that everything is fine with you, that you are happy and satisfied. A man will happily pay for you in a restaurant, buy movie tickets or give you a pleasant surprise. Men really like to feel needed. By the way, don’t forget to rejoice enthusiastically and thank him when he does all this for you. Even in very early childhood, a boy tries to make his mother happy, then the same mechanism is transferred to his girlfriend and wife. It is very important for a man to know that you are happy.

If a man loves, he will provide everything he needs.

Sign of male love No. 3: A MAN PROTECTS.

When a man loves you, anyone who says, does, offers you anything bad, or even even thinks of insulting you in any way risks being destroyed. Your man will sweep away everything in his path to make sure that everyone who treated you with disrespect pays for it. This is his nature. It can be said about any man on this planet: no one can insult his family without paying for it or, at least, without running into a serious fight.

This is what every man should do - and is willing to do - for the people he cares about. Once he expresses that he cares about you, you become a valuable asset to him, and he will do anything to protect his property. If he hears you arguing with the taxman, he will say: “Who are you with? Let me deal with him." If your ex is bothering you with calls, your man will put him in his place. If he sees that your children are getting out of hand, he will talk to them too. In other words, he will protect his family, because he knows that a real man is a protector. There is not a single real man who would not protect what belongs to him. Because we are talking about respect.

Moreover, protection is not only the use of brute physical force; a loving man will not allow you to walk the dog alone late at night or hammer nails into the wall. He will save you, to the best of his ability, from all situations that he considers dangerous for you in one way or another.

Excerpt from Steve Harvey's book Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man.

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Excerpt from Anna Chernova's speech at the conference "Find and Accept Yourself 2.0"