Hello! My name is Olga. I’m 29 years old. My mother and I live together, my father has been gone for 3 years. Scandals with my mother have been going on for more than a year, not even three days go by without us having a fight. She finds fault with everything, I don’t She cleaned up like that, she didn’t prepare it properly, and she expresses this when we quarrel. It feels like when we don’t quarrel, it accumulates inside her, and when she quarrels, she pours it all on me. She begins to insult me, humiliate me. She She started drinking often, and more often she does it because she has nothing to do. She has friends, I’m trying to get her to go with them to the cinema or to a cafe, in general to socialize, not to sit at home. She says that she doesn’t want to, although she’s on the phone with hangs with them for hours. But when I go somewhere (to my girlfriends or to my boyfriend), I immediately become a slacker and am guilty of everything under the sun. My boyfriend doesn’t suit her. We’ve been together for a long time, but I haven’t signed yet we’re going, we’re happy with it, we have our own plans for this. He doesn’t have anywhere to live, there’s a two-room apartment, three of us live, he, his brother and his mother. I got an apartment from my grandmother, but we decided to rent it out for now, I need money too I haven’t found a job yet. It’s too expensive to rent. I tried to explain this to her, she seems to take it normally at first, but during a scandal she tries to convince me that he is not the person I need and that I’m a fool for contacting him, etc. .He is an absolutely ordinary young man, he works, tries to achieve heights in his career, he helps us whenever possible. I suspect that when he and I start living together and separately from my mother, she will not tolerate this and will pester us with all possible options. Once there was such a case, I went to see a young man for the weekend, so the next morning she called me and said that she felt bad, I arrived right away and, as it turned out, this was done so that I would just come home. I was in shock, Why all this, because she herself was my age and dated young people. So today we had a fight. I went on business (or rather, my boyfriend and I). When I arrived home, my mother had already drunk (just like that, she wanted it that way) , began to talk to me in a raised voice, I tried to answer calmly, but when she drank more and started screaming and calling me names, I could no longer stand it and shouted too. She accused me that I was not traveling on business, but had deceived her and was I don’t know where. I sometimes feel like I’m developing complexes from so many scandals and insults. And I noticed that after I get very nervous, my head starts to hurt. I don’t understand why she doesn’t want to live peacefully. I can’t even talk to her about this topic calmly, she begins to raise her tone and deny everything. She considers her insults to be the norm. I’m terribly tired. Advise something. Thank you.

anonymously

I never had a close relationship with my mother, I remember a lot of bright moments from my childhood, incl. and the fact that my mother never praised me, she constantly scolded me, often using physical force. I became independent very early, because... I always wanted to prove to my mother that I could achieve something in life. Today I am 42 years old and my mother and I practically no longer have a relationship at all, we just don’t communicate. For my part, I tried many times to maintain a warm relationship with her, but I still hear only humiliating and insulting words addressed to me. I don’t know my own father; I grew up with my stepfather. Maybe my mother is taking revenge on me for her first unsuccessful marriage?

It can, of course, “take revenge” - it’s difficult to understand “what’s going on in another person’s head.” Another question is that it still hurts you, actually a quite mature woman, what this woman does to you “just being in your head” (after all, you don’t communicate with her). I can recommend that you try reading the book by K. Elyacheff on my website, it is the second in the book section. Well, to deal with problems, as a rule, we are talking about regular psychotherapy. P.Yu.

anonymously

Hello, Pyotr Yuryevich! Thank you for your answer regarding the difficult relationship with your mother. I am an educational psychologist by training; social teacher. I am able to perceive difficult situations realistically, adequately and without emotions. But, as they say, a shoemaker without boots... Why did you choose this question title? I give the main role in my uncertainty to my mother. In her behavior all these years, and now even more clearly, some kind of envy, incomprehensible to me, is very expressed towards me. It is expressed in words (sometimes with obscenities), in a mocking look, reproaches, open insults (I'm scary, club-footed, stupid, etc.). Mother in her youth was attractive for the seventies, although she still looks a little younger than her age, but not in the same figure). She is a very powerful woman, and behind her back her friends call her “Boyarina Morozova.” Only, the more she tries to command, the more my resistance grows." I consider this a normal reaction on my part. And my disobedience to her, despite all the respect I have for her, completely throws her out of her state of mental balance! Why did I do it? Is this an introduction for you? Probably to simplify the following information... Currently, I am preparing to defend a business plan for “providing psychological services to the population” of my small hometown from the Employment Center. They really like my ideas, but the employees of this central center They openly tell me their fears in the sense that people in a small town will not go to a psychologist with their problems (for fear of publicity), and especially for money, better in the kitchen with a friend over a bottle of wine. Although in an individual conversation with someone From the employees of the Central Bank I hear positive wishes for me in opening my own business. This is where fear and self-doubt began to appear in me. What if I couldn’t cope, I would go broke because people wouldn’t come to me. And after working for two to three months for the allotted I'm 58800 rub. Will I go negative? This fear of not being liked (as a specialist), of not earning people’s trust, is what scares me most of all. Although I have good experience over the past five years of working in an almost military organization and the employees with whom I have worked and helped many, I still get calls and ask to go into private practice. In this situation, which I tried to briefly describe to you, Pyotr Yuryevich, I feel 40 percent confident in myself. This education was very difficult for me (in terms of finances), I studied consciously and responsibly, not all subjects were 5, of course. I just feel like my calling is to help people! I can’t imagine any other profession for myself. How to get rid of this “mean” self-doubt that my mother once planted in me like a seed in childhood?

Olga Korikova

Hello! I have a difficult relationship with my mother.
I am in a strong psychological dependence on my mother. In this regard, it is difficult for me to make decisions, to do something, I am lonely.

Olga Korikova

Hello, Ekaterina Krupetskaya! I came to this forum for the first time, because I really need help, advice from participants and psychologists, just people! Before, I was occasionally interested in the advice of psychologists, I read messages on various forums. Even 10-15 years ago, due to troubles in communication and relationships with people, I went to a psychologist, I needed advice. But more often I read various literature, including psychology. I wanted to limit myself to reading today too. But it's difficult for me now. I need support. Although I try to decide everything myself (what is within my power and capabilities).

It seemed to me that, to some extent, I could look at situations from a psychological point of view.
But... It's easier to give advice than to find yourself in a difficult situation.

I'll tell you about my problem. Since childhood, I lived in a rather complex family. With mother, grandmother and brother.
Because my mother’s life with my father was unbearably difficult, she returned to her mother and took us - me and my brother - with her. My childhood was very difficult. My grandmother didn’t like me, she bullied me, she put me under moral pressure (I often stayed at home with my grandmother as a child, because my mother went to work). My grandmother kept me in the highest tension, fear and obedience (although I did not understand this). She constantly, almost every day (with or without me) complained to my mother about me, my “disgusting character, laziness, selfishness, bad heredity (she said that I looked like my father), etc.” Although it was all a lie, everything that my grandmother said about me. I was a very open, kind, naive and vulnerable child.
I am not happy to remember this... Vice, prison, indifference - this is what my grandmother’s outwardly benevolent attitude towards me was like. What can I say if she didn’t love me so much that she dreamed that I would go to live with my father and often said this out loud...

My mother, unlike my grandmother, treated me completely differently... Mad Love, Adoration?
Very strong attachment? Even jealousy? A pity? It’s hard to say what my mother felt and feels for me... All this, all these feelings are there. And I treasure that, no doubt. But together with Love, my mother terribly, just pressed me hard and is pressing me! She lived and lives my life. She didn’t let me do anything since childhood, she made decisions for me. The slightest resistance on my part was met not only coldly by my mother, but often made scandals for me and in these scandals she “threw mud at me,” humiliated me, and again and again blamed me, reproached me and listed all my vices and shortcomings! And a day later - again affection and “lisping”, as with a little girl... And I was both 20 and 25 years old... Adoration and benevolence, and, quite possibly, after 2, 3 minutes coldness and even anger... then a scandal ... I lived with her “like on a powder keg,” absolutely not understanding what my mother would do or say in the next second...

I’m lonely, young, but I don’t have any friends or girlfriends... I don’t have and never had a personal life...

Olga Korikova, there are many feelings in your story, ambiguous and painful. I understand it's not easy to remember. Can you tell us a little about life today? How old are you? Do you still live with your mother? Is grandma alive? What is your relationship like with your brother?

Who are you by education and profession? Are you working? Do you provide for yourself financially? Do you have friends? How do you prefer to relax? What are your hobbies?

Olga Korikova

I am 36 years old. By education I am a technician - technologist (secondary technical) and a personnel manager (higher).
But I don't like it.

By the will of my relatives (my grandmother suggested) I entered at the age of 16 and studied at the assembly college (I hated it), by the will of my mother, against my will (there was a scandal again) at the age of 26 I entered the Institute of Management, Economics and Business (his hated me even more), even tried to transfer to another institute... in vain...

I was born and lived in a poor family. And even with people who “pray” for their beliefs! Conversation on the topic “Poor means an honest person, etc.” my grandmother led me every day, literally driving this position into us - me and my mother. Mom was also lonely and completely dependent on her grandmother (just some kind of moral slavery). Grandmother lived not so much her own life as the life of her mother - she constantly taught, gave advice, pressed... My mother behaves exactly the same way towards me. How painfully difficult this is...

Get a special job. It didn’t work out (and I didn’t want it), and so I worked wherever I had to.
The difficult conditions of the places where I worked for 15 years took away a lot, a lot of strength and health, I began to get sick a lot and often, I was often on sick leave...

I lived with my mother and grandmother and brother (who never loved me), studied, and worked. There were no friends or girlfriends. I had short relationships with people that quickly broke down and I was alone again.
I had and still have a very difficult, strained relationship with my brother... We don’t really have a relationship. And, however, I also feel dependent on him - I feel his dissatisfaction towards me (as if I always owe him something and owe him something)

I prayed to God to at least somehow live separately from my mother, because from the horror of living together, from the total, heavy control, demands and supervision, I almost “went crazy”... It so happened, circumstances developed that Mom temporarily moved to live in another city, and I live in another... My God, she again demands that I sell the apartment here as soon as possible and move to live with her forever!
Constant demands from her, always talking about moving, etc.

Lately I’ve been going to the Clinic for treatment (because I’ve had heart problems since childhood (mitral valve prolapse + added headaches (headache, worsened vision, etc.)) + the opportunity to just relax in another city, new experiences. .. Getting ready for a trip is a big problem for me. I am alone, in poor health, I get tired quickly, and talking on the phone with my mother is depressing, overwhelming (talks about my unsettlement, about the need to move in with her, about poverty, etc. ) I just “give up" and don’t want to do anything. I cry all the time... I try to hold on, but it’s difficult for me.

Grandmother passed away in 2008. I thought that nightmare, that anger, that hatred was behind me... But my mother no less poisons and terrorizes me with her heavy guardianship...

I'm not working right now. I haven't worked since 2014. My last job was in a government organization (something like the police), I was not certified. But it was very difficult for me there. Bullying of colleagues, misunderstanding and + just a very difficult, tense atmosphere in the organization itself... Finding a job in a provincial city is very difficult. If there are no connections, etc. All this depresses me. + loneliness...

Olga Korikova, it’s clear that you are in a difficult state inside, there is some kind of hopelessness in your story. If you haven't worked for about two years, how do you live?

Does your brother also depend on your mother or does he have his own life? Is he married and does he have children? Where does he live?

Is your mother still working or not? Does she have a personal life? Do you know anything about your father? Did you communicate with him as an adult?

Olga Korikova

Ekaterina, I will try to answer.

About hopelessness in life, you are right. Since childhood, due to difficult relationships in the family, I often did not want to live... Also, due to the lack of vitality, illness, weakness, complexes and inability to do something, it was also very difficult for me then and now, sometimes not I wanted to live...

This state inside has always been there now. But this is, as it were, just a part of my inner state... Because I love life very much, full of joy and optimism, the desire to act, discover new things, meet people, be loved, discover my creative potential, etc. That’s how it was Always. This seems contradictory only at first glance.

I would also like to gain financial independence from my mother. In general, I would like to get out of poverty and a lonely state...

As for my father, our relationship with him, this is a separate topic. Believe me, sometimes I can’t believe that I am the daughter of such a person... My mother’s life with this person (she was married for 8 years) was unbearable! My father is a very simple, primitive, narrow-minded person. He never physically did anything around the house, mom did everything, he just used her as property. Weak and indecisive, selfish and a consumer - he stole money from his mother, lost his mother's money at cards, demanded more and more... He oppressed her into sex. plan - even showed violence. She was disgusted to be with him in this regard (and in all other plans of life, everyday life, etc.), but she endured, obeyed and was afraid of him... The last years of her marriage to him began to threaten her health and life and also her life children... He even made several attempts to get rid of us - mother and his children - once he turned on all the gas stoves without lighting the fire, tightly closed all the windows and doors and... went outside and waited for us to suffocate.. Scandals and threats, showdowns were constant, he even beat his mother (even when she was pregnant) and constantly demanded money, food and sex!
This is not a person - it is rather a disgusting animal or plant, some kind of slug, or a leech that attaches itself to someone and uses... It’s embarrassing to say, but I will say... When I was a 2-4 year old baby he (when Mom wasn’t at home or she didn’t see) he took off his panties, touched his place and let me, his daughter, play with “his toy,” as he said...

My mother lived with my father for 8 years... At the age of 6, my mother (she divorced) and my brother went to live with my grandmother (my mother’s mother)... I have already told a little about the hell that my life with my grandmother was.. From the age of 6, thank God, I never saw my father again, but I suffered painfully from the lack of male paternal affection (just not this “father”)...

My brother has a family. Wife and son. They live separately from us... But from them one can feel (even at a distance) anger and demands and claims towards us - towards me and my mother... Everyone should always... to these people...

Mom works and receives a pension. I live on this pension and + some savings (in the bank). I barely have enough to live on, I try to limit myself in everything... And it’s painful...

Mom does not and never had a personal life. And no friends. She is now “into the rapport” of religion, forcing religious literature on me, asking me to go to church, again putting pressure, teaching and hearing only herself...

It’s just difficult for me to figure this out without help... My Soul hurts from this strong addiction and mental suffering...

As I understand, you are a thinking person, you strive to understand yourself, for example, with the help of books and articles on psychology. What advice would you give to yourself based on what you understand and know about your situation?

You emphasize that you consider the main problem to be your mother’s persistent, if not obsessive, attention to you and her overprotection. At the same time, you write that you have a number of serious illnesses, do not work and do not see any opportunities to get a job - both because the small town does not provide opportunities for this and due to health problems. You live on your mother's pension. How, in your mother’s place, would it be possible to leave you, as it seems to you, taking into account the fact that you are sick and are not able to take care of yourself in a material sense? How would you see the resolution of this contradiction?

Did I hear correctly that the overall topic of relationships is very important for you? From what you wrote, it is clear that you did not have satisfying relationships with all the people who were significant to you since childhood (mother, grandmother, brother, father) and with all the other people from your outer circle. What do you yourself, taking into account your knowledge in the field of psychology, think on this issue?

Olga Korikova

Good morning, Ekaterina! Thank you for being with me.

I will try to explain, as far as possible, what my aspirations and desires are, what I expect and what I myself think about this. And about what torments me so much, torments me, worries me...

When I was 18 years old, I turned to a male psychologist due to serious troubles in my relationship with a young man. The fact is that he put pressure and humiliated me morally, especially in front of my classmates. I was afraid to go to technical school because he pestered me almost every day. We had sexual contact (he gave me a sexually transmitted infection), and then his sexual advances became constant and often in full view of everyone...
I turned to a psychologist... He helped me to some extent. But rather in complacency, rather than in solving the problem. I had to resort (on the advice of a friend) to the help of the police (I wrote a statement against him to the prosecutor's office, they forwarded the statement to the police)... After the policeman talked with him, this guy, the attacks on me stopped...

What advice could I give to myself? I have already given it to myself - I decided to turn to a psychologist through the forum, because I believe and am convinced that you cannot run from wise advice, from those thoughts, from the vision of the situation that an experienced and qualified psychologist has, because the problem mine lies precisely in the field or space of psychology... Your advice and questions, Ekaterina, are very interesting to me, because you see everything from a different point of view. I spoke in my message about problems with my mother, and you suddenly asked me about my father, I was even somehow surprised and confused, because I myself had not thought about it at all...

This is not at all about the fact that I want to leave completely or break off relations with my mother, because her support, both moral and material, is absolutely necessary for me, because I am completely alone. I am by no means refusing to support her. And I don’t want to leave her and not support her myself! No! This is a very close and dear person to me. The point is that since childhood, and then getting worse and worse, I have been and have been in a strong, painful, oppressive dependence on my mother. She is also dependent on me, because she has been lonely all her life and she herself was in such a heavy, unbearable dependence on her mother.

I want to learn, try to distance myself from my mother. But I don't know how to do it. I am looking for protection from this constant unrelenting pressure of her on me and I would like not to put pressure on her either. We have somehow become too close, it bothers me when my mother gets into my Soul, teaches me, and does not allow me to live on my own... I physically cannot do anything around the house (of course I do, but with excruciating difficulties), especially when we will quarrel with my mother (yesterday, we literally spoke on the phone again, she is dissatisfied, demands, claims) ...

About relationships, you are absolutely right. This topic has been very significant to me since childhood.
It’s painful to talk about this and strange, but... it’s necessary... My relationships with people didn’t work out. I was mostly alone; I did not encounter or feel any warmth or understanding (despite my openness and trust) even from my mother. I lived in fear, constant tension, haste... I (as I began to understand) was an unloved child from childhood, I accepted harsh attitudes towards me as the norm, etc. Sometimes it seems to me that I will never be loved, happy, I can’t find friends, that loneliness is my destiny, etc. I’m trying to change myself, improve myself...

Olga, how do you like the idea of ​​trying to write a short essay on the topic: “if it weren’t for my mother’s suffocating attention (influence) on me, I would...”

Let's imagine that, for example, you wake up one fine day and realize that this problem is no longer in your life. At all! At the same time, your mother has not gone anywhere, and you continue to receive support from her to the extent necessary for you, but this does not have any painful consequences. Let's imagine? Please write what feelings do you experience this morning when the problem seems to have disappeared? What you are doing? How is your day going?..

Olga Korikova

Ekaterina, it seems to me that I am a fairly strong person. But, after reading your message and suggestions, I almost burst into tears... I could barely hold back the tears that came to my eyes... I could never even seriously think about it! This is some kind of incredible, fantastic and unrealizable happiness for me!

What will I do, “if it weren’t for my mother’s suffocating attention (influence) on me, I would...”? I am so shocked and shocked that I don’t even know what to say... From birth until I was 36 years old, I lived and live in this grave condition, it became the sad norm of my life, and suddenly this will not happen... And at the same time, my mother will be in a good state of health, life and joy! My God! How I want it! How I dream!

Forgive me for this emotionality of mine, the expression of feelings, but I expected something different from you... I thought that you might ask or offer to tell me in more detail how this control and even terror of my mother is manifested, but you suddenly so calmly, without hesitation, talk about imagining a picture of life that is completely impossible for me... I am very grateful to you for this! Since I’m trying to think about such a turn and about freedom in my relationship with my mother, and this, believe me, is such a balm for the soul!

So, “if it weren’t for my mother’s suffocating attention (influence) on me, I would...”

I saw the world differently! With this, I would have gained Faith simply in freedom in relationships with people, because I didn’t have this before...

I would get up early, early in the morning (because every minute of life is precious), I would admire the sunrise, and cry from the happiness of inner freedom!.. Peace and Joy would fill my soul, dreams would carry me into the endless distance of the future! I would think about my mother, mentally wishing her happiness and good luck...
Without haste and without feeling guilty, I would prepare breakfast, and open the window in the kitchen, enjoying the singing of birds and the splendor of nature...

Because I am a self-sufficient person, I would strive for an independent image and way of life. Because it is necessary to live, eat, and dress at my own expense - I would work, and only at the job that corresponds to my desires (creative process). And therefore I would come to work, work, communicating with colleagues, but keeping a natural distance. On this day I would call my friends, and I would be pleased if they called me too. I'm not talking about long conversations (because at work this is inconvenient and impossible), but about a few minutes. and then perhaps during breaks from work.

In the evening I would like to spend time with a loved one - a man. But not every evening. I would like to spend time with friends, girlfriends in a cafe or other place. I really love to dance, sing, laugh, joke, and I would probably not be a boring person for my friends.
My God! How difficult it is to write, I don’t know what! I want freedom, travel, self-improvement, to create and realize my plans! I like creativity in different aspects - artistic, music and dance, cinema, books, theater! I write poetry, I like to understand and rise above the situation...

I probably would have cleaned the whole apartment, washed the windows and washed the curtains!

It’s a stupid desire, isn’t it, to wash the curtains? I just never washed or ironed or cleaned (my mother did everything against my will), she felt sorry for me...

And, of course, on this day and others, I would think warmly about my mother and sometimes call her, perhaps she would sometimes, and not every day, call me...

I read it myself now... it’s all some kind of sand castle... stupid dreams...

some kind of immaturity...

and it also became so painful, as if someone had torn me away from my mother, like tearing off a piece of skin and... throwing it in the trash...

Olga Korikova, what serious work you are doing on yourself now! This, in my opinion, is very healing. And the fact that after feeling freedom and experiencing this pleasant fantasy in all respects, you came with a feeling of melancholy, a feeling of abandonment, only confirms how much of a right step you took in your thoughts. Of course, the presence of even just a strong attachment to a person can be very seriously limiting, and the presence of such a long and difficult dependence - even more so.

The moments you described did not seem infantile to me - not at all. Quite the contrary, there was a feeling that the reasoning was that of an adult, free person who controls his life, knows what he wants and enjoys life. For some reason it seems to me that this part of you is very strong. Olga, tell me if you try to implement, without shelving, some of the things you wrote about. Well, for example, could you clean the apartment, wash the windows and wash the curtains? If you try to imagine that this is your first step towards freedom and the fulfillment of your desires, and not someone else’s... How do you like this idea?

Olga Korikova

Ekaterina, thank you for your support! Your opinion is very important to me!

I am glad that you did not find my dreams and desires infantile.

Because I could, and I expected rather the opposite. What, perhaps, you would tell me (as many of those around me (for example, at work) or someone I knew) said that I am “having my head in the clouds” and that’s how I am in my own way - weak and incapable of action - " mama's daughter." And that there is nothing to do with some kind of dependence on my mother, because I simply made it up (this dependence), etc., etc. Mom herself said this more than once, everyone said so, and I was just convinced, rooted in the feeling, that I am such a “rag,” a weak-willed creature, the daughter of the same weak-willed and pathetic father, etc. All my life I tried to change, looked for methods for this, read a lot of different literature, tried to overcome myself in life, situations, etc.

Regarding the first step - eg. clean the apartment, wash the windows, etc. I did it a long time ago. But it was and is painfully difficult since childhood. Now I live alone and do everything on my own, but I literally have to force myself to clean, cook, etc. Once I put things in order, put everything away, it lasts for a maximum of 2-3 days, then I stop doing anything at all, “I give up.” ", the melancholy, the burden of guilt, the state of loneliness are pressing, and in order to make it at least a little easier, I watch various funny programs and films on the Internet (in which there is love, and laughter, and friends and a person is free...), it becomes easier, and Everything around is cluttered, garbage, unwashed dishes, abandoned things...

It must be said that grandmother and mother, at the suggestion of grandmother, always maintained cleanliness and order throughout their lives, they worked constantly and very hard! And they (such a paradox), unlike me, had just a sea of ​​vitality, a lot, some kind of fire!.. You can say they “prayed for cleaning, washing, work, work and work again”... And therefore, my grandmother simply hated me - because I was weak, sickly and even infirm (because I had no vitality at all). Cleaning for me was always a painful problem, I hated cleaning, the dacha (because my mother and grandmother spent a lot of time there), and I was with them...

But they were very lonely. But my father and even my grandfather - these people did absolutely nothing around the house (their wives did everything), and they were sloppy, lazy, aggressive, cold, with big pretensions, but they still somehow communicated with friends... My father's level of development in all aspects was very low.
With horror, I see in myself his hateful traits - weakness of will and insignificance and praise of his insignificance and eternal complaints, illness, discontent, and low level of intelligence...
And at the same time, the features of a mother and, probably, a grandmother. Since childhood, I have loved cleanliness, order, comfort, beauty in everything.
And an unbridled desire for knowledge, development, improvement!

But! This is extremely difficult to implement. When I lived with my mother, she could directly say, ask, even somehow order me to do something, I agreed with difficulty, pain and internal heaviness, cleaned up or went shopping, etc. And then lay down on the sofa and lay inactive for several days. I only dreamed of leaving my mother...

It is morally difficult for me to clean up, to do anything at all, I start to rush, fuss, scold myself, even demand! I have always had and still have the feeling that inside (especially when I’m trying to do something or communicate with someone) I’m simply tied up with ropes and chains, twisted! But again and again I overcome myself, do something... after futile attempts, I stop doing anything at all and spend hours, days, or aimlessly, sadly lying on the couch or communicating with people on social media. networks (mainly by men). For some reason they write the same “freaks”, excuse me, like my father or brother... And even worse...

Olga Korikova, it seems to me that you have now, in many ways, already realized what you say that you only dream about: You live separately from your mother, no one can force you to do what you don’t want, right? You communicate with men on the Internet, so there is a chance that you want to meet one of them. Perhaps such meetings have already taken place?

What do you think would be the right next step in distancing yourself from your mom?

Olga Korikova

Ekaterina, you are undoubtedly right. To some extent, I have already realized my dreams, especially since I have been fighting and fighting for this for so many years! And I will fight! BUT! This is too much, this is very, this is insignificantly little compared to the thoughts that fill me, the desires that carry me forward!..

It is possible to compare this with the prisoner who spent his whole life in a dungeon, and he was lucky enough to breathe a little air, and perhaps a little more water... But he is tied up, and is not free from ropes and chains.
The rope or chains have probably become a little longer... But he painfully understands and feels that he is a prisoner...

It is no coincidence that I wrote that I would cry with happiness if I were free from the grip of this addiction and that I would open the windows every morning. This, as I myself understand, is an internal desire for freedom! Even now I open the window or windows, and it’s easier to breathe, but inside it’s like an anchor and an unbearable weight...

Mom told me (since I was very interested in this question) about her relationship with her mother... I asked mom why did you leave her for another city? Mom answered that she wanted freedom. That it was very hard for her from the vice, pressure, authoritarianism, and eternal unsolicited advice from her mother. I asked my mother if she had freedom in her relationship with her mother, she answered sadly and in surprise, “No! What freedom I was suffocating from control, heavy atmosphere, etc.”

It seems to me that my mother inherited this position of authoritarian behavior from her mother...

What steps am I going to take to distance myself from my mom? It's a difficult question...
But I'll try to answer it...

I think that you need to break off your previous relationship with your mother, destroy it, somehow untie it or something, because they have already completely outlived their usefulness! BUT! I find this to be a very painful and difficult process for both of us! I would like to take these steps and do so as not to force myself, not to force, not to upset and worry my already vulnerable mother. Take these steps as delicately as possible, BUT... DO IT!..

Otherwise, I don’t see the possibility of any changes...

Ekaterina, I noticed that I was too immersed in my mother’s life and allowed her to immerse herself in mine!
Perhaps, if I stop talking in detail and generally talking about my life, every day, what I ate, what hurts, what I did, who I communicate with and (!) I don’t constantly “live her life,” then this will be my step towards trying distance yourself from your mother.

I also think that you need to start SERIOUSLY, calmly and already accept independent life as a given! Although now my mother demands that I move to live with her forever! But! Not only am I not in a hurry, but I am trying to soberly, calmly, and weigh the situation. I’m putting off moving, but I’m doing everything possible (I even went to this psychological forum) to prevent this from happening. I’m trying to restructure my thoughts and views... Living together will destroy both of us! This (as I, with surprise, begin to understand) cannot be allowed!

As for communicating with men, that’s a separate issue. Fear of them... and the only thing I can do is correspond with each other (there is no talk of any meetings, I have not met any of them). And these men, they are worse than animals, forgive me, but this is so...

Olga Korikova, tell me, at what moment do you feel the strongest dependence on your mother? Can you try to describe it? While talking to her or immediately after? Or is it not related to the conversation at all? Who usually calls: you mom or she you? How is the conversation going? Does this happen daily? Who stops talking?

Good day to everyone who is reading this topic. My situation is probably trivial, but I don’t know how to get out of it. I hope that during the discussion everything will become clearer. I am 35 years old, no children, not married, I live with my parents and brother. I make money by writing articles for websites and working from home. I earn little and am financially dependent on my parents. Although, in principle, when I worked in an office job, I earned so much that I could not afford to rent a separate apartment or take out a mortgage. I felt guilty for living with my parents, giving little money for groceries, and not buying anything for home. She considered herself a failure who did not know how to make money and build a personal life. It's about the same now. Yes, I know that nothing happens for nothing, and since this situation has developed, it means that it is important for me to live this way. It’s just not clear why.

The following situation prompted me to seek help. It repeats itself every year, but I don’t want another six months to be erased from my life. For six months my mother lives in the country, my father, my brother and I stay in the city. At the same time, the father works all week and goes to his mother on weekends. At this time I have a huge amount of freedom and a good mood: I’m alone all day, no one bothers me. The best time is during this period, when everyone: mother, father and brother go to the dacha, because father is on vacation. I stay at home alone for three weeks, what a blessing!

Everything changes when the mother returns home from the dacha in the fall, she doesn’t work, she’s at home all day. She doesn’t do anything bad to me, but all my desire to do something, even just go outside, disappears. My confidence is disappearing. Everything I do seems completely unnecessary, aimless and useless to me. Any things that I used to do easily and with enthusiasm now seem unnecessary. I am always in a depressed, gloomy mood, I am always in tension. This is how I always feel when my mother is around, since childhood. I realize that I am still afraid of my mother, although I understand that she cannot do anything to me, an adult woman.

I know that, most likely, I’m just an unseparated woman stuck in adolescence, maybe I have an Electra complex, but I don’t know how to get out of this situation. In any case, all this will take some time. I want to feel like a contented, happy person, and not a downtrodden creature who torments himself with endless self-recrimination. I can go live with some man, there are those who are willing. But this will be a simple escape, not a solution to the problem. I don’t know what to do, I hope you can tell me.