For 10 years I treated my daughter purely formally, often offending her, sometimes very strongly. In moments of “education”, I could not stop myself, the flow of negativity and hatred became uncontrollable, offensive words spewed out of me, and in moments of calm, I was amazed at how you can be so heartless and cold-blooded in relation to your own child!

“I don’t love my eldest daughter” - I lived with such a feeling as soon as my second child appeared. The eldest was then 5 when this feeling arose. Of course, like any “good” mother, I suppressed this thought in every possible way. What did I do instead? I bought her toys, branded clothes, sent her on vacation with her grandmother. With gifts, I quenched the feeling of guilt with money.

This went on until she was 15 years old, and I still did not find answers why this is happening to me?

For 10 years I treated my daughter purely formally, often offending her, sometimes very strongly. In moments of “education”, I could not stop myself, the flow of negativity and hatred became uncontrollable, offensive words spewed out of me, and in moments of calm, I was amazed at how you can be so heartless and cold-blooded in relation to your own child!

I moved away from my daughter, and she reached out to me, wanting to receive affection and love. According to the law of the sandwich, my daughter is kinesthetic, and bodily touch is as important to her as air. Everything about her annoyed me, I found fault with her because of every little thing. But then I began to notice that I especially “do not love” her in the presence of her husband.

So I suffered for 10 years. 10 years of tyranny and moral abuse of oneself, husband and child.

It was embarrassing to go to a psychologist or confess to friends. Throughout my life I have always played the role of a successful businesswoman, a happy wife. It was unacceptable for me to introduce doubts into my history of a successful woman, an inner loser inflamed.

As a result, my daughter grew up a SACRIFICE. I constantly compared myself to other children and peers. Nobody liked her in the class, it was difficult for her to make friends. We changed 5 schools, thinking that the new school would accept and love her...

It was even more painful when my husband and mother asked me to be gentler and more patient with the child, not to show my strong love for another child so clearly. And it was simply unbearable when friends and teachers said that from the outside it was clear that I was biased and very strict about the eldest, especially in comparison with other children. If only they knew what was going on in my heart! Yes, I myself did not know what the hell was possessing me, and forcing me to do all these tricks.

And as time went on, we experienced a “transitional age”, when, with my fierce attitude, I forbade her to show me any manifestations of the “transitional period”. I simply forbade my daughter's transition period, explaining that this was a sign of weakness and inability to control her emotions. After all, I, oh how good, “managed” my own!

© Magdalena Bernie

The time came when guys began to appear, and then I clutched my head, because I realized that there was nothing I could do for my child to help her comfortably enter a new stage in her life - building relationships with the opposite sex. Fears began to overcome: the fear that she would stick to the first person she met in order to receive affection and love. Fear that it will be used and over time it will turn into someone clear. Fear of not being able to start a family….

There were many fears, and even more questions. I began to prepare myself for a visit to a psychologist, or maybe better, to a psychotherapist, because I understood that the problem, apparently, was still in me.

But what will I tell him? I don't love my daughter? By that time, I already had three of them. My head was full of confusion and I hated myself more and more every day. Feelings of guilt and resentment overwhelmed me, I sobbed for hours alone, blaming myself for all the sins, I wondered how God could give me children at all, and also three, if I can’t cope with the role of a good mother ??

One thing calmed me, the phrase that I heard "all the answers are inside you." I was in a hurry to find the answer because I had a conviction inside that if I found the answers before her 16th birthday, I could fix the situation! And the answer came. Came in the form of an application tool that helped me find all the answers WHY DID I NOT LOVE HER? WHY DID I NOT TAKE IT?

There is a wonderful Axiom "Everything that happens in my reality is the result of my subconscious desires." This axiom helped me to identify all my subconscious desires and transform them. It took me a year to complete the transformation work. A year of pleasant discoveries in myself and in my eldest daughter. The work continues, for too long I did not notice what a wonderful daughter I have: my first-born, my joy in life, my beauty!

Over the years of unconscious life, I have greatly broken her personality, one might say, erased it to nothing. In a couple of months, together with her, we restored her individuality, she and I learned to love ourselves just like that, we worked through a large number of unaccepted qualities, worked through fears and resentments ...

Our life has changed, it will never be the same again. We are enjoying new relationships that are getting better every day.

The main reason WHY I DID NOT LOVE HER was the resentment against her husband. Only in this way could I take revenge on him for the insults caused to me, through my daughter, who was his copy. As soon as I worked through the first grudge against him, for the first time I had a strong desire to hug my daughter, kiss her and just sit with her in silence. I have been depriving myself of this happiness for so long ...

Be happy, dear mothers! I sincerely wish you to find your answers in yourself with the help of my tool https://master-kit.info/kaz

Hello Irina.

It is very good that you noticed this and thought about the existing problem. This is already 50% success. Awareness alone helps change the situation. but often there are situations in our emotional life that we cannot handle. We seem to lose our heads and do stupid things, forgetting all our aspirations and desires.
This suggests that you yourself feel very bad and hurt, that you cannot fully realize your own needs and therefore satisfy them. Anger, irritation, sometimes fear and anxiety accumulate.
It is the anxiety of parents, the background surrounding the life of children, that makes them also anxious. The fact is that from the age of three, children begin to experience characteristic periods of age-related fears. This process is regular and natural. Fears arise in the imagination of the child, and he learns to endure them, and then cope with them and get rid of them. However, parents can interfere with this natural course. They can increase fears, which does not allow the child to endure them, they can strengthen them, which prevents the ability to cope with them on their own or get support so that a small person can overcome fear with the help of a strong adult. Thus, natural age-related fears remain "not digested", accumulate and strengthen in the psyche.

Conflicts between parents naturally cause additional anxiety in children and increase their fears. The child may begin to feel that this is not his mom and dad, as he blames himself for their conflict and at the same time cannot accept this terrifying idea. He begins to fear that he will not be loved and abandoned, which means imminent death in his imagination. It may also be that the child continues to be disturbed by earlier fears that he has not yet managed to survive to the end, for example, the fear of the dark.
Your anxiety and imbalance associated with divorce and resentment against your husband is perceived by your daughter as a signal of dislike for her. Imagine that she is terrified that you will leave her. She still cannot realize this, but simply lives with this horror in her heart.
Of course, you can try to deceive her and show her that everything is fine with you, tell her about your love, but the children are very perceptive and the daughter will inevitably feel the insincerity of your words. The best solution would be for you to contact a psychologist and work with your emotional state. This will not only help you get through the divorce and calm down, but it will also give your daughter a very important experience of positive feelings and emotional support.
Believe me, Irina, that now it is better for you to think about yourself than to try to force yourself to be the right mother.
If you cannot find a good psychologist in your city, I will be happy to work with you via Skype.

Skype consulting, fortunately, allows you to talk with clients anywhere in the world. Among my clients there are many people living not only in different cities, but also in other countries. After all, it is best to talk about the innermost in your native language, and in a foreign country it can be impossible even with an abundance of psychologists and psychotherapists.
You will need a good video link and one hour a week where you can talk freely without fear of being heard by anyone other than me.
Contact, call or sign up for a Skype consultation here on the site. There is no need to torture yourself in vain - it is enough to admit that not everything is within our power, and sometimes we need outside help.
Several conversations with a psychologist will help you realize what is bothering you, give you the opportunity to speak out and be heard, and therefore be understood by yourself. It is difficult to calm the nerves by willpower when the pain and despair caused by unconscious reactions remain in the soul. There is not and cannot be logic in them, you just need to accept and realize them. Attempts to act "correctly" will only aggravate your condition, since spiritual hunger cannot be satiated with logical food.

I wish you and your daughter peace and harmony with yourself, clarity of your thoughts and feelings, love and understanding.

Biryukova Anastasia, your Gestalt psychologist in person in St. Petersburg and on Skype.

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When a child is born, any mother cannot for a second imagine a situation that they will ever conflict with this little man, with her own blood. It is especially important for a mother to maintain good friendly and trusting relationships with her daughter, because she is not just a mother's baby, regardless of her daughter's age, she is her little copy. But life is unpredictable, and sometimes it creates situations that you can fear or avoid at all costs. One of these situations is the appearance of grievances and feelings.

How to get rid of resentment towards the daughter?

Reasons for resentment against a daughter

The most difficult situation is when the mother's touchiness is out of the question, but this unpleasant feeling has arisen. At the same time, the mother constantly wonders why her daughter offends her? There can be many reasons for resentment towards a daughter, depending on the situations and the relationship between mother and daughter. The main reasons for resentment against a daughter can be divided into three large groups:

Having understood the reason for her feelings, the mother must decide how to get rid of resentment towards her daughter. Of course, if the cause of resentment is a misunderstanding, this issue is easily resolved - just talk heart to heart, sort out the current situation and laugh together. But when the cause is deeper, it is best to start solving the problem with itself.

We grow up, become respected adults, but often, instead of starting to accept our parents, we keep on proving something to them as a childish habit.

We pronounce familiar phrases, and although they have long lost their relevance, these words still hurt our mothers to tears.

Photo source: diary.ru

1. "Mom, I won't eat it!"

Yes, maybe mom doesn’t count calories and doesn’t know how to read the ingredients, but potato pancakes were always served for breakfast on Sundays. This is a mother's concern. Her expression of love.

Photo source: tut.by

Don't like it - do it yourself. Silently.

2. "What do you understand!"

My mother does not have a higher education, but thanks to her, who sat with me and my sister, my father has it, who has achieved a lot professionally.

For 65 years, she has accumulated such life experience that allows her to see people through, which in other situations is much more valuable than professional knowledge.

Photo source: inquisitr.com

3. "Mom, we won't come!"

A lonely old woman immediately appears, celebrating the New Year in an empty apartment, one on one with a served table.

Photo source: chitalnya.ru

My "old lady" still has an old man. It’s more fun for them as a widow, but they still get offended when we don’t visit for a long time. Fortunately, with small grandchildren, this is not so easy to do.

4. "It was you who made me like this!"

Yes, many of the problems of adulthood come from childhood: self-doubt or resentment at everyone. But from there, the best in us - charisma, the ability to love, a favorite thing.

Photo source: coffee.ru

And at the age of 25-30-35 we are already adult boys and girls in order to once and for all clear the Augean stables of grievances and claims and to be responsible for our words and deeds.

5. "I have no time, I'll call you back"

Do you know what is the most dangerous in this phrase? "I'll call back." How often do I forget to do this! Mom is waiting...

When I remember, I ask the children to call first: talking with grandchildren is always a joy for a grandmother.

Photo source: souldiary.ru

You can already talk with the older one, but you don’t even need to talk with the younger one, she herself will tell everything, interspersing the story with joyful “I want to visit you.”

Time cures

As you get older and have your own children, you begin to accept your mother more. Her character and opinions, love and care for herself, the way she is.

Photo source: influencehealth.com

You distance yourself more and more, but at the same time you understand even more how easy it is to hurt a loving mother's soul.

What is your relationship with your parents like as an adult?

Happy pregnancy and the first kiss, the joy of breastfeeding and the touch of hands... Being a mother is the highest value.

But why is it sometimes so difficult for the relationship of the two closest people to develop -?

The statistics are relentless: 99% of daughters do not share their innermost with their mother. This is shocking and saddening at the same time. Who can be closer than our own mother, who gave us life? Why are we often peremptory in our judgments and grievances? And it's so difficult sometimes to dial a phone number to ask - "How are you, mom?".

Reasons for losing trust

Most moms don't really understand why their daughters resent them. After all, they sincerely wish their continuation of happiness and make every effort so that it does not pass by. But the latter is often not necessary for children. From the height of our experience, we give advice, imposing our tastes, views and passions. This is precisely what breaks the fragile thread of high spiritual intimacy between two women - the eldest and the youngest. Remember, the reason for the majority is “she doesn’t understand me!”.

“My daughter is selfish. So that she does not need anything, I put my health, time and strength on the altar. I didn't even get married a second time. And she insists that she did not ask for all this. Ungrateful!"

“I have a daughter, and my mother constantly terrorizes me with her advice. Many of them have already lost their relevance, because we were brought up in Soviet times. Medicine has stepped far forward, now everything is different. I'm tired of explaining to her that breastfeeding should be on demand, and diapers are not evil. Mom does not want to admit that I am an adult woman and I myself can make decisions for my child.

“My mother was expecting a son, and I was born. In the heat of every quarrel, she reminds me of this and says that she does not need me. I would have left home a long time ago, but I have nowhere to go. I'm trying to talk to my mom, but she can't hear me."

Each of these cases is unique. The classic rightly said: "All happy families are happy in the same way, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Each of us has our own Calvary, the ascent of which hurts painfully. It is unlikely that any of the mothers or daughters will feel better because someone's relationship is even worse. After all, the closer people are to each other, the more acutely they experience omissions and quarrels.

Looking for the culprit

The most important thing for us in life is a sense of security. Therefore, the claims of mothers seem somewhat ridiculous in comparison with the confessions of their daughters. Each of us, building a relationship with a man, wants to be loved and desired. Why don't we leave this right to daughters in our own families? Remember how many times you explicitly or veiledly demanded gratitude and humility from them! But you can’t do that, it’s short-sighted and cruel.

It is also depressing that we all bear the stamp of “dislike” to some extent. The beginning of this was laid back in the Soviet maternity hospital. When the baby was born, he, as they do now, was excommunicated from his mother. The first meeting of the child and mother could take place only after 12 hours. Surprisingly, our subconscious remembers this, the trauma experienced often manifests itself in adulthood. None of us is immune from outbursts of subconscious resentment towards the mother. If you do not understand why you are offended by your mother, this is most likely the reason.

Another reason for the difficult relationship between mother and daughter is "hiding" in the child's psyche. Young children take everything literally. Even once said a rude word can forever crash into memory and hurt for the rest of your life. Therefore, phrases like "Go away, I'm tired of you!" in the child's head are converted into a statement of fact "Mom does not love me, she does not need me." Remember, you are responsible for every word you say to your child. As soon as your daughter feels old enough, she will present you with an account of her grievances.

The conflict is growing. What to do?

The harmonious development of the child is built according to its own laws. If there are failures in the personality development program, the little girl runs the risk of growing up insecure and. To prevent this from happening, you must recognize your child's right to express negative emotions.

Alas, many mothers are constantly fighting with their children for the prerogative of "being out of sorts." We allow ourselves to take out anger and resentment on our children. It doesn't matter what is the precondition for this - problems at work, an unsettled personal life or burnt pancakes, we do it. At the same time, the child is forbidden to react negatively to the increased tone of the mother and express their emotions. But this is unfair, you see! As soon as you understand this, mutual reproaches, tantrums and scandals will stop. Believe me, even the breakup of a relationship can be reversed!

The path to reconciliation

Why put up if it doesn't hurt anymore? This question is often asked to psychologists by adult girls. They can be understood - you don’t want to experience past grievances once again. But it is necessary. First of all, to get well. We are responsible for the future of our children. With the heavy burden of the Cold War with a loved one, it is hard to become a happy wife and mother. Unspoken grievances interfere with a full life, hurt and one day they will certainly “shoot”.

How to get on the path of reconciliation? Very simple, you need to sincerely want to. You should not hope that it will work out right away, but it is important to go towards this - the road will be mastered by the walking one!

Having decided to talk with her mother, an adult daughter must follow the “safety rules”. You can talk about your feelings, experiences, resentment, but not about the fact that mom is bad. You need to talk about yourself, it is better to first remove the intensity of emotions, having trained with a friend or a psychologist. The conversation should not be too long, half an hour of "execution" is enough.

What should mom do about it? An older woman, as wiser by experience, must endure insult, be able to admit her mistakes and accept that she does not have the right to file a counterclaim with her daughter.

Will the relationship improve after the conversation? Of course, having freed her heart from pain and bitterness, an adult daughter herself will justify her mother. And then a bright living fire of love, mutual understanding, care, warmth, tenderness and affection will flare up between them.

Love each other and be happy!