Cool yourself down: how to get rid of feelings and heal your heart. Tear it out of the heart How to take love out of the heart

They say that love comes only once in a lifetime, but many disagree with this and claim that they have loved at least five, or even ten times in their lives. But absolutely everyone will agree that Love – this is the brightest feeling, without which there is no point in living. But she is not always joyful and inspired - very often it happens that love brings so much pain and suffering that you want to tear this feeling out of your heart, bury it on the other side of the world and never experience anything like that again.

What could be the reason for this? Yes, everything that is suitable - unrequited feelings, danger to your psyche, reputation, and even life. Any sane person understands that it is impossible to stop loving another with a wave of the hand, but it is always worth trying, because love is killed over the years, by everyday life, by a bad attitude. So maybe with an effort of will you can stop loving a loved one? In war, all means are good, so you need to try everything to achieve your goal.

First steps

The more you strive stop loving a guy , the more you think about it, the stronger your feelings. The hardest thing is to start, but having gathered your courage, taking all your iron will into a fist, you need to gradually force your feelings to cool down. We won’t be able to tell you how to quickly fall out of love with your ex-boyfriend, since only magic can promise lightning-fast results in amorous affairs. But if you really want with all your heart to remove the object of your love from your heart and memory, and every day you think about how to stop loving a guy and start your life from scratch, then we simply must warn you that this idea is not always successful and requires a person to maximum mental effort.

Why do I want to stop loving?

Take time in a calm, quiet environment to think about everything and realize the correctness of your decision. Firstly, make sure that you really want to be free and independent that you wish yourself a better destiny and a brighter and more promising future. Try to look for such arguments , against which your loving heart will not be able to find any excuses. For example: “he drinks and smokes, which means I won’t be able to give birth to healthy children from such a person” or “he’s too aggressive in a drunken stupor, and someday it could end badly”, or “he’s lazy and doesn’t want to go to college, and even more so to work - I can’t see a secure future with such a person,” or “he doesn’t strive for anything, he’s lazy, and I don’t need such a life partner,” or “he looks at other girls too often and does it even in in my presence, what will happen next?

Believe me, girls: ideal men simply do not exist on this earth, and everyone can find flaws, bad habits, or even little things that slightly irritate you. The more little things like this you find, the easier it will be to convince yourself that he is not a match for you and that your heart does not need him at all.

“Burn” the memories

In order to throw a guy out of your heart, you must burn (both figuratively and literally) all memories - delete all joint photos and correspondence from the computer, remove him from friends on VKontakte, Odnoklassniki, delete his SMS and number from his phone, blacklist his number, mercilessly burn all postcards, notes, movie tickets in the forest or right above the gas stove, give soft toys and his other gifts to an orphanage (now they are more needed there). And do all this ruthlessly, don’t cry over every card, sweep everything into an armful and, without looking, throw it into the fire or into the trash can. And you don’t need to leave any cute and heart-warming figurines or teddy bears - they will only remind you of the good sides of your boyfriend, and then it will be even more difficult to stop loving him.

By such actions you will be able to clear the atmosphere around you of any memories of him, and now the most difficult thing remains - to remove everything from your head and heart.

Change yourself

A girl can only become different at that moment when she completely changes herself, including externally. New clothes, shorter skirts, a fitted coat instead of a regular jacket, replace comfortable ballet shoes with thin (albeit low) heels, change your hairstyle or hair color, Instead of the usual light pink, cover your nails with a defiant bright red varnish. And all your arguments “I don’t want this now”, “I can’t live without him” and “this is all not for me” are simply not accepted - you are obliged to change for the sake of your future, a better future without him.

Believe me, even such a little thing as red nail polish is ready to cheer you up. Well, if you go out into the street all changed, many men will probably pay attention to you. Well, nothing knocks old love out of the heart as well as new love.

Make new acquaintances

We all know the saying " fight fire with fire " It will seem to many that this way of falling out of love with an ex is not very effective, because in every new person a girl in love will look for the traits of her soul mate. But the main thing is not the comparison process itself, but the result. There is a very high chance that not in the first, but in the second, and maybe in the third candidate, you will finally meet someone who will be better than your lover - and then new feelings will flare up, extinguishing the old ones.

In addition, it simply helps to be distracted, which also gives some hope that the less you think about a person, the less your feelings for him. However, you shouldn’t rush headlong into searching for new love, change guys like gloves, or even worse, take revenge on the entire male sex for your painful love. You shouldn’t let everyone you meet into your bed in order to forget someone who doesn’t want to leave your heart - this way you will only expand the emptiness in your soul, because fly-by-night guys don’t heal the soul, they corrupt it even more.

Anything you need - light flirting, the realization that someone else might like you, that other guys are just as interested in you that it was not only your ex-lover who saw you as a woman.

New sensations, new emotions, easy falling in love, the first touch of hands, lips, holiday romance- this is exactly what you need so much in order to forget. And all this can be obtained on vacation, in a hot country, where you can go with a friend, or best of all, with a whole company. There you certainly won’t get bored and lose yourself in your sad thoughts!

Don't leave yourself any free minutes

In the case when your thoughts and heart are filled with an unnecessary person, free time is our enemy because it is precisely when we are not busy, when our brains and thoughts are free from worries, that he comes into them, that person whom we so want to erase from life. What to do about it? Do not allow free minutes into your life, that is, load each of your days so that there is time only for 6 hours of sleep, and at night you come so tired that you only have enough strength to lie down on the pillow and immediately fall asleep.

Achieving this effect is very simple - set a goal for yourself to climb the career ladder, plunge headlong into study, work, come up with a few hobbies, get yourself a dog, with whom you will never be sad. The more activities, goals, and desires you have, the less time you will have for sad thoughts, the more acquaintances you will have, the more chances you have of finding that person who can oust your former love from your heart.

Make an appointment with a psychologist

In America, in the West, such a solution to a problem as going to a psychologist is quite common, and no one is ashamed of it, because many people there understand that emotional distress cannot be cured with pills and potions - for this you need a specialist in the field of psychology.

You ask, how can a psychologist help you stop loving? He will simply explain from session to session that love is actually not such a bright and great feeling, but just a biochemical process in our body, the desire of a human individual to continue his race. And such processes have been inherent in each of us since ancient times. It is not so easy for many girls to realize this scientific truth, because they love their chosen ones so fanatically. But if you really find a good psychologist who understands such things, then perhaps, together with the rest of our advice, he will really help you get rid of this “love addiction,” as many experts in the field of psychology call it.

Common Mistakes

When you make the final decision to stop loving your ex, you can probably make a few of the most common mistakes:

Don't kill love with alcohol

Many people (both men and women) believe that there is only one way to escape from feelings - by drinking yourself into unconsciousness. But this is the most serious mistake, which leads to completely opposite consequences. Alcohol makes a person’s brain liberate, and if when sober you promised yourself never to call this person, then a drunken head will definitely remember his number (even if it has long been erased from contacts) and force your hands to write at least one sms about love. You need it? Of course not! Therefore, stay away from alcohol at such moments - it is easier for a sober head to restrain a heart that has not yet cooled down.

Don't think that you will forget your former love forever.

« Fall out of love" is not a synonym " forget“, because memory cannot be erased by force of will. Don't be upset if his image sometimes pops up in your head - the main thing is that it doesn't make your heart skip a beat. And it’s very easy to check whether you’ve stopped loving a person or not - if you accidentally see him on the street or come across his photo, and your heart doesn’t respond in any way, then you have succeeded in your business.

Don't go to fortune tellers

This method is especially often resorted to by those women who need to stop loving a married man. This is one of the most difficult tasks, because he probably fed you with promises, you loved him and hoped for so many years, but finally realized that you have no future with him. Many fortune tellers claim that it is very easy to quickly fall out of love with a man, to punish the chosen one who betrayed you, to send all sorts of damage, curses, etc. on him for little money. But you shouldn’t run to your grandmothers and ask them for advice on how to stop loving a man - they will offer you a conspiracy, a slander, a lapel potion and other nonsense, they will tell you or put a spell on it. Although many women claim that this helps to lose interest in their lover, it still contradicts many life principles, and it remains to be seen how such actions of black evil forces can affect your children.

Don't dig inside yourself

Often, after an unsuccessful relationship, after betrayal, after a partner’s feelings for you have cooled, self-esteem decreases, we begin to think about what is wrong with us, what mistakes we have made, we begin to delve into ourselves, looking for even non-existent flaws. Self-analysis is good, but self-flagellation is unlikely to help you in any way. Since you have decided to rid your heart of love for your ex, then you need to love yourself again, fall in love with your new, changed self, and convince yourself that now he is not worthy of even your little finger. If you have changed for the better, then why do you need such a guy? Did he find another? Did he go on a binge or just cheat? Well, thank him for teaching me such a lesson, for allowing me to diversify my life and showing me what kind of fools you shouldn’t marry.

But even after reading all the advice written above and trying them all, no one can give you a guarantee that you will stop loving a person, because we are not robots or mechanisms that have a button “ Off" We are living people with a lot of emotions and experiences. And everyone’s future depends only on ourselves, and only we build our own destiny. And sometimes it happens that for the sake of your future and the happiness of your children you need to sacrifice love.

In life, sometimes we have to deal with unrequited love, with love for a person who does not deserve it or with whom we cannot have a relationship for very specific reasons. This makes the question relevant: how to forget it?

A good place to start is to ask yourself: Do I really want to forget him? Is this my final decision? If not, the question disappears. If you have made an irrevocable decision to rid yourself of this addiction, then you have to work hard. Is it a joke to kill such a wonderful feeling, which many have elevated to the rank of spiritual, superhuman and unique, something that is not given to everyone, that subjugates many to its will for many years?

Despite the difficulties that arise for any person faced with the need to “forget,” this can be done. Let's discuss ways that will help you stop loving and find peace of mind.

Working with the cause.
There is a possibility that the person, by his presence next to you, performed an important function, helped satisfy some urgent need, and therefore was chosen by you. Perhaps this is the need for attention, for the security that he could provide, for sharing responsibility in your life, for justifying his behavior or style of thinking (if he was “the only one” who understood you in some way) - there are a lot of options.

Think about it, could this happen? If yes, then you should listen to yourself and find other ways to satisfy the same need. For example, you can look for love and understanding from friends, make new acquaintances if the circle of current friends is limited and cannot give what you need now. In general, try to communicate with people as much as possible during this period of your life, and not withdraw into yourself. After all, the needs associated with people can only be satisfied with the help of people.

Changing your thinking.
According to the theory of cognitive behavioral psychotherapy, the emotions experienced by a person are based on incorrect thinking that is inadequate to reality. Hence the conclusion: in order to change feelings and emotions, you need to change the style of thinking itself, work with unproductive thoughts that arise - replace them with more realistic ones.

For example, thoughts about obligation (“I must love/be loved!”, “I must have a partner!”) must be replaced with thoughts about preference (“I would like to have a partner, but I don’t have to”, “It would be nice to love/ to be loved”, etc.). This will reduce the severity of the emotion and bring it closer to one that will be adequate to the situation.

Often a person falls in love not with a real partner, but with his idealized image, so our main task is to bring this image closer to the real one. This can be done by finding serious shortcomings in a person, searching for his psychological problems. Your task is to de-romanticize the image of your loved one.

Is he so beautiful? Every person has flaws, that's how we are made. Try to find as many of these shortcomings as possible and concentrate on them when thoughts about him enter your head. Some psychologists suggest de-romanticizing the image of a person by imagining him in ridiculous situations: for example, defecating, or wearing a clown hat and family panties in front of an audience, or with female makeup on a serious face.

Mentally speaking out the reasons for the impossibility of being together also helps to cope with love. Imagine what would really happen to you if you got married: exaggerate in the area where you encounter unpleasant moments (infidelity, coming home late, habits that are unpleasant for you, etc.).

Some people believe that in order to stop loving a person, you need to forget him and everything connected with him. In this article I present a different position - don’t forget! This is a part of your life, your invaluable experience, which is not so easy to forget, and it is not necessary. What should we do with it? Work through, re-evaluate, take a fresh look at this difficult, but such an important experience. Any experience can be useful to one degree or another.

At the same time, after you have been able to work through this experience, try to think about it less often. As soon as you feel that the thought of this person is creeping up again, nip it in the bud! Immediately change the topic of your internal monologue, do something that requires a good concentration of your attention so that you cannot be distracted by thoughts about it.

The end result of your inner work should be the following: it is necessary, despite all his shortcomings, to forgive and mentally let go of this person. This set point will end an important period of your life, and you will be able to start a new one - a stage without this person. It is the feeling of internal incompleteness that haunts us and brings back in our memory the painful experience of communicating with the object of love.

Changes in behavior and external environment.
Internal work with thoughts should be supported by external work - changing behavior and creating favorable external conditions for saying goodbye to love. Remove or throw away his things, stop looking for things that remind you of him and his life. Stop looking for meetings with him, try to completely eliminate any contact if possible. No wonder the famous proverb says: “Out of sight, out of mind!”

Sports and other active activities (dancing, martial arts, etc.) will help you get rid of accumulated negative emotions, aggression and simply prevent your tone from falling, which means that to some extent they will protect you from possible depression. Maintain your mood level. Don't let yourself lose heart, think positive, listen to pleasant and rhythmic music, have fun and go to various events with friends.

When a relationship breaks down, time and space in the heart are always freed up. They need to be occupied with other things, and certainly interesting ones: new or long-forgotten, but joy-bringing activities, interests, hobbies.

Popular wisdom again rushes to our aid: “They knock out a wedge with a wedge.” New relationships, new feelings are something that can irrevocably displace old hopes and pain. The main thing to remember is: you shouldn’t look for a person who looks like your ex-lover. This will create the risk of unnecessary memories of him or you will step on the same rake again - why do you need this?

Time is a good doctor. It will pass, and you will suddenly feel that you are now thinking less and less about this person, your feelings are slowly cooling down and bothering you less. Thank yourself for the work you were able to do. And put a bullet point with relief!

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“How to take love out of your heart? It may be very useful for someone"

Despite the difficulties that arise for any person faced with the need to “forget,” this can be done. Let's discuss ways that will help you stop loving and find peace of mind.

…. Working with the cause.
There is a possibility that the person, by his presence next to you, performed an important function, helped satisfy some urgent need, and therefore was chosen by you. Perhaps this is the need for attention, for the security that he could provide, for sharing responsibility in your life, for justifying his behavior or style of thinking (if he was “the only one” who understood you in some way) - there are a lot of options.

…. Changing your thinking.
According to the theory of cognitive behavioral psychotherapy, the emotions experienced by a person are based on incorrect thinking that is inadequate to reality. Hence the conclusion: in order to change feelings and emotions, you need to change the style of thinking itself, work with unproductive thoughts that arise - replace them with more realistic ones.

….Changes in behavior and external environment.
Internal work with thoughts should be supported by external work - changing behavior and creating favorable external conditions for saying goodbye to love. Remove or throw away his things, stop looking for things that remind you of him and his life. Stop looking for meetings with him, try to completely eliminate any contact if possible. No wonder the famous proverb says: “Out of sight, out of mind!”

Without suffering, it is impossible to feel the taste of life, learn to appreciate it and enjoy every little thing. Trials strengthen character, give impetus to creative development, and form sensitivity to understanding the experiences of other people, but whenever faced with the loss of a relationship, everyone asks the question, Psychology comes to the rescue, giving advice that allows you to accept the current situation.

Love is coming

Even the most tender and sincere relationships can end because human feelings are fickle and cannot always be explained rationally. When people are in love or blinded by passion, they are uncritical of emerging everyday problems, differences in upbringing, perception of life, and shortcomings of their partner. It is impossible to build something lasting and lasting on feelings alone, which means you need to be prepared for the fact that they will end sooner or later. Various studies "give" passion from three to eight years. It should be replaced by mutual respect, cooperation, and spiritual closeness.

But no one is immune from the fact that one of the partners will not develop new feelings for another person, or he will not begin to feel discomfort in the existing relationship. It’s easier for the one who first fell out of love or the first to decide to break up. And a loved one to someone who was not ready for such a development of events, whose feelings are still alive, because it is impossible to simultaneously fall out of love with the wave of a magic wand. The first and most important step that needs to be taken is to recognize the right of everyone to make their own choice and make their own decisions. It is impossible to keep a person near you by appealing to his promises, past confessions and sense of duty.

And the common expression “fighting for love” has nothing to do with putting pressure on a partner. It is rather a call to express one’s own feelings, so that a person understands that he is loved. But he will decide how important it is for him.

Unpromising relationship

At the very beginning of a relationship, there is always the opportunity to interrupt it if one of the partners does not see the prospects for its development. Vulnerable people, with low self-esteem and fear of loneliness, often get involved in such affairs. Instead of developing - working on appearance, intelligence, professional career - a person rushes towards adventurous developments of events. There will be no question of how to get a person out of your head if you stop in time. Unpromising relationships can be a conscious choice of both: a holiday or office romance, a purely sexual relationship, mutual use of each other (teacher-student, leader-subordinate).

This does not ensure that one of the partners will not become psychologically dependent and will not suffer after a breakup. There are examples when such relationships develop into real feelings, but this is always a risk that a person takes quite consciously. However, there are times when this happens unconsciously, if one of the parties stubbornly ignores the signs of a hopeless relationship that should be addressed:

Obvious shortcomings or habits that the partner is not ready to put up with in the hope of changing the situation and “re-education”.
Inequality in social status, age, level of development.
A person will most likely have to face the problem of how to forget a loved one if parents or other significant people are against a relationship with him.
Unequal contribution to the development of relationships (emotional, financial, personal).
Lack of mutual interests (besides sex).

Stages of Suffering

When breaking up, a person must be prepared for the fact that it is impossible to leave the relationship with a joyful smile. He will have to go through everything that is akin to the departure of a loved one from life, because now he really has to live without the previous format of communication. What are these stages?

State of shock and numbness. Especially when the decision to break up takes you by surprise. It may last several days.
Denial of reality. Instead of solving the problem of how to get a person out of your head, the partner often tries to sort things out, refusing to believe in what is happening. The stage can last a month or more.
Accepting the current situation and experiencing the real pain of loss. It may last about six months.
Relieving suffering, relegating it to the background in the name of other tasks and realities of life.

Basic myths

One of the main misconceptions of people is the statement that time heals. Just as it is impossible to skip over the important stages of grief, it is also impossible not to be sad in the depths of your soul about the loss of a once loved one. This is another reason not to carry out dubious experiments on yourself when you get involved in a relationship without a future. But time teaches everyone to overcome pain and store it in the deep storehouses of the soul, allowing a person to live and realize his needs. Even when close relatives pass away, the acute pain dulls and fades into the background after a period of six months to a year.

The second misconception is that a wedge can only be knocked out with a wedge, which means that it is necessary to rush into a new relationship as quickly as possible. Firstly, it is not fair to the partner, who acts as a kind of pill and does not deserve to be used just because someone is going through mental suffering. And secondly, this is dishonest to oneself: without going through all the stages of grief, without making the necessary conclusions about the reasons for the separation, a person will constantly step on the same rake, again solving the problem of how to get the person out of his head.

The treacherous “if only…”

Relief will come only when the partner manages to accept the current situation and come to terms with the decision of the other party. What prevents this most of all? Paradoxically, hope, faith that it is still possible to change something, correct the situation, replay events, words, actions. If a partner has a soft character, he gives a second chance, then a third, but as a result, both waste time, nerves and destroy their own personality. Often, with this decision, the second party allows the first to “fall in love” and cope with the breakup to the detriment of their own interests and feelings. The first one feels better, but the second one develops aggression and hatred towards the one who simply took advantage of him. After all, it’s always easier to leave yourself than to find yourself abandoned.

How to get a loved one out of your head so as not to sow destruction and hatred around you? Respect your partner’s decision and do not try to find someone to blame for the breakup. Feelings go away not because someone is better, but someone is worse. This happens because the two people in the relationship are uncomfortable. You shouldn’t think about “if only…” and rush into the past. You should focus on what needs to change in the future.

Who is guilty?

The destruction of a relationship is always the responsibility of two. People were unable or unwilling to overcome difficulties and misunderstandings. Resentment is a child’s reaction to failed expectations, but the partner cannot be held responsible for the fact that he did not fully meet other people’s expectations. When falling in love passes and the rose-colored glasses fall off, everyone is free to decide whether they are on the same path with this person or not. The inability to accept him as he is is not love, but human selfishness and personal ambitions. The partner always has a choice: stay or leave. Staying means accepting a person with all his shortcomings.

During a romantic relationship, anyone tries to look better than they really are, so you need to be more attentive to those moments of how a person behaves with other people. If he leaves a previous relationship behaving in an unworthy manner, we can predict what will happen when his feelings for his new passion cool down. To overcome grievances, one should not stir up the past; the main motto should be the slogan “Do not remember.” The first step towards this is refusing to look for someone to blame for the destruction of the relationship.

Favorite activities

Memories overwhelm us when there are pauses in our activities. The best thing is to switch to work, a hobby or further education. The main condition is that the work is loved and requires dedication. The day must be planned so that there is no time left for idle pastime. If you have a vacation coming up that can't be rescheduled, it's best to go on a trip. New impressions excite the brain and evoke positive emotions, which are so necessary when you have to find for yourself the answer to the question of how to get a person out of your head.

Music is very helpful and has a therapeutic effect. You should definitely plan concerts of your favorite bands, make videos for their best songs, and discuss the released new album on the forum. All this is possible if the main condition is met - getting rid of the hope of a phone call, a change of decision or the mood of a loved one. This may happen, but let it be a surprise when life shows how much partners can do without each other. And then the decision will be made by the one who was left behind. In the meantime, you should delete the correspondence and stop looking for answers to today’s questions in past words.

Friends

At the first stage, it may be difficult for a person to simply get out of bed and leave the house. I want to be alone and cry. This is fine. Otherwise, how can you forget the person you love? Psychology describes cases when the process is delayed and people lose control of the situation. At these moments, the help of friends is needed and you should turn to them. They are not only able to listen and support a friend, but also help organize leisure time without leaving unnecessary free time. True friends will not make decisions for a person, giving this or that advice, but will focus on which one suffers first.

There is an opinion that you should get rid of all things that remind you of a once loving person. Sometimes this is quite painful to do, so you can simply put everything in one box or drawer and put it in a distant place. Time heals to the extent that after a certain period, the acute phase of pain passes, and a person is able to make a decision, not based on emotions, whether to wear the once-gifted bracelet or not. This will largely depend on whether the partner has found the strength not only to accept the situation, but also to forgive the other person.

Forgiveness

After a few months, anyone is able to ask themselves the main question: what upsets them most about the breakup. Love is not always the cause of emotions. This could be resentment, disappointment, fear of loneliness, or a desire to achieve what you want at any cost - to get your partner back, for example. At this time, you can already abandon the “Don’t remember” rule, because turning to the past will not bring painful experiences. An honest conversation with yourself is very important in order to be ready to build new relationships and draw the right conclusions from past mistakes. The last step should be to forgive the once loved one, for this you need to try to put yourself in his place.

In psychology, there is a method called the Hellinger permutation method, which helps in building relationships between spouses. One of the principles is an attempt to analyze the actions and feelings of a partner. The method leads to an amazing discovery: even a partner who has fallen out of love, skillfully hiding his true feelings behind a mask of indifference or indifference, experiences discomfort and dissatisfaction with himself in his soul. It was also painful and difficult for him to decide to break up, so the other has no choice but to forgive and forget the person with whom it simply turned out to be wrong in this life. Moreover, forgiveness is needed not so much for the partner as for oneself, in order to achieve the necessary harmony and peace.

Only after going all this way does a person become ready for the happiness waiting for him around the corner.